The Operating System Running Your Income Was Built When You Were 7 | Judy Tsuei

Have you ever done everything right and still felt like something was off? Like no matter how much you achieve, it's never quite enough?

In this episode, Desi sits down with Judy Tsuei, an executive performance coach and NLP practitioner who spent over 20 years trying every healing modality under the sun before finding the one thing that actually worked. Judy shares how growing up with tiger parents built an operating system she carried for decades, why the strategies that make you successful eventually become the ceiling that keeps you stuck, and what it actually looks like to update your identity so the results you want can finally show up.

If you've been doing all the things and wondering why it still doesn't feel like enough, this conversation is for you.

Books mentioned in this episode:
How to Disappoint Your Parents in 10 Shameless Steps by Judy Tsuei - coming soon
Luminous Life by Jacob Lieberman - https://amzn.to/4stUpTz
Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson - https://amzn.to/3PFZolB

Connect with Judy Tsuei
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/judytsuei
Website: judytsuei.com
Instagram: instagram.com/judytsuei/
Inner Blueprint Assessment: innerblueprint.judytsuei.com
Podcast: Talk Saving Face

MY LINKS
YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@DesiBatista
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamdesibatista
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@iamdesibatista
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/desibatista/

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DM me "stuck" if you're doing everything right but can't break past a certain level.

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1:1 Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/desibatista/30min

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So if I handed you a smartphone right now and I said the operating system is from three decades ago, would you use it?

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Today I'm talking to Judy Shui, an executive performance coach who helps high achievers release the patterns their brains built decades ago. In this conversation, we're exploring why strategy alone doesn't work and what actually has to shift at the identity level first. Welcome, Judy. Thank you. Thank you so much. That's my favorite topic.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

So I'm excited about it. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Has life always been the way it is now for you, or did some things have to change along in your journey?

SPEAKER_01 0:32

A hundred percent it has not been like this. In fact, I launched a Kickstarter a couple of years ago to work on a book. So the book is taking longer than I anticipated, but that's okay. I believe in like divine timing. But the name of the book was How to Disappoint Your Parents in 10 Shameless Steps. And it's because I have done everything the opposite of what a good Chinese girl should do. So my entire life, the way it was supposed to be, according to culture and family expectations and all of those things, the way that my life looks now is very different from that. But the goal is to understand that when you do pursue things that are aligned to you, that ultimately at the end of the day, you create your own mental and emotional health, which I think is the most important thing. It impacts your physical health. But there's a way to also forge really healthy relationships with your family of origin. And that's kind of the whole point of the story.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Right. So walk me through that. You said you were creating, you were writing a book and it's taking longer. So how what was different before and what shifted to where you want to be?

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Yeah. I think that part of what needed to happen was that I needed to come to a different conclusion with my own parents. My parents were authoritarian, tiger parents, you know, wanted all the A pluses, wanted me to be the doctor, lawyer, engineer. I did not pursue any of those things. Um, and so I think there needed to be healing that needed to happen. And my parents are so supportive now. They know that I'm writing the book. They have been supportive. In fact, I actually just concluded a relationship of over six years. And I called my dad to tell him. So that's not something that I would normally have done prior to all of this work. And so I called them, and of course, they told my mom. And then they drove down to from LA to hang out with me and my daughter. And they put it under the guise of, well, it's lunar new year. We want to prepare things for our granddaughter's classroom to teach and all of that kind of stuff. But really, they were coming to check on me. And every now and again, they would intersperse little moments of, you know, hopefulness and all that kind of stuff. So none of that could have happened if we didn't do all of us the work that we needed to do to get to here and now.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Wow, that sounds amazing. So, what was your day-to-day reality reality like before the shift? Like before you started working on yourself and being more open with your family.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

So I bet a lot of your listeners probably are experiencing this too. A lot of my clients do, where they did all the things, they checked all the boxes. They on the surface look like they're pretty happy. They've got the, you know, career or the family or whatever it is. And on the inside, they feel really empty. Or just, you know, continually feeling like it's never enough, like you're not enough. The goals that you're pursuing are not enough. The goalpost keeps moving. So all of those were things that I experienced too. And it wasn't until I, you know, I did every modality of healing that you could imagine, all the way up to doing this retreat where someone was putting like a device on my brain, trying to rewire it and remap it, you know, and I became a yoga teacher and a Reiki practitioner. So I started practicing all of these things that were outside of the norm for the communities that I grew up in. Um, in Chinese culture, you don't talk about mental and emotional health, and you definitely save face. It's one of the reasons that I created a whole podcast, which has an expletive, so I don't know if it's okay to curse on your podcast. But it's called talk saving face because I wanted to amplify the conversations that weren't being had. And these were all the things around body autonomy, around finances, around relationships, around parenting, healing intergenerational trauma, all of these things. So I explored every healing modality under the sun. And nothing that I found, everything got me a little bit further, a little bit further. I used to have an eating disorder that developed in high school because I was trying to manage all of the chaos that was happening in my external world. And so it was something that I struggled with for like over 20 years. Um, and then, you know, fast forward, I ran all the way around the world. Literally, I moved from South Carolina, where I was living for a job working at an ad agency, all the way to China. And then I got to China and I was like, oh no, I made it to the other side of the world, and here I still am. So it was kind of like the lowest point of my life where my eating disorder was super rampant. You know, even though I had a job where I was the arts and entertainment editor, I got to go to all the restaurant openings, all the art gallery openings. You know, people used to stick red envelopes of money in press kits because they wanted me to write about it well. None of that was helpful or, you know, felt any way filling. And so I went home and I started dealing with all of my issues. So I did traditional therapy, I um explored everything from like hypnotherapy to you know, psilocy, anything under the sun that you can imagine. And so nothing that I found was as effective as neurolinguistic in helping me to get to that next level. NLP, the whole entire premise of it, basically, I always like to say, like, whatever you see Tony Robbins doing, he's using NLP, he just doesn't call it that anymore. Yeah. And so, like, that's what I do. And so I help you hack your unconscious mind because I often say, like, your unconscious mind has an operating system that was built between the ages of zero to seven. So my ages zero to seven was pretty like, you know, in a lot of ways, very traumatic, or like just immigrant parents dealing with all the survival things and the scarcity mentality and all of those things. I'm the eldest of four. So all of those things became my operating system. And then I often tell clients, like, okay, so if I handed you a smartphone right now and I said the operating system is from three decades ago, would you use it? And people are like, no. So, well, that's what your brain is doing. It's operating from decades ago. If you've never done a reset or an update, how do you think you're gonna be functioning? So a lot of times I see that the strategies that got us to where we are have now become our ceilings. And for so many of us who are high achievers, overachievers, we've also monetized our wounds. We learn how to take whatever was painful, then we learn how to utilize it and like become super resilient. Like we got this so hyper independent. And then it just became our baggage. And so I feel like the beautiful thing about NLP is it's fast. Clients often tell me it's like decades of therapy in a couple of hours. I even work with therapists, I've trained now therapists on how to do this because they often tell me, wow, we learned in school about the subconscious or the unconscious mind, but nobody ever told us how to access it and like help clients utilize it. So I basically, you know, release all of your baggage. And then from that point forward, I get to work with you as the purest essence of who you are without holding all of that stuff. And then the results go so fast. And people often tell me, wait, like all the things I wanted, they're just showing up out of the blue. And I tell them it's not magic, it's that your brain literally deleted, distorted, or generalized that information so you couldn't even see it, but it was available to you all along. So now I've just helped you change the filter and upgraded your OS so now you can see it all. And so clients, you know, like love it. I just got an email yesterday. It's like long novel because I asked her how things were going. And I was beaming at the end of it, like reading it. And that was just from like a 90-minute session. So it was so great to see that.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Wow, that's amazing. And I can't relate because my parents were the same way, we're not like talking about emotions, and they're also immigrants, and there were so many topics that were almost taboo. Like you just had to follow the family line. Yeah, whatever was had already been done, that's where we had to go. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah, yeah. And it makes sense. I mean, when you're coming into a foreign country, you're doing whatever you can to stay safe. And a lot of the messages that we got at home were so mixed. It was like honor and respect your culture, but make sure you go out there and assimilate and do whatever you can to fit in with the dominant majority. And so it's like a very difficult identity to maintain. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

So at what moment did you realize like you couldn't just keep following the path? Like, okay, I need to break through or I need to do something different to be able to go to where I want to go or do something that actually aligns with me versus my family.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Yeah. And I think that um I've always been the black sheep and the cycle breaker. Like, I think it's innate in my nature. I can't help it. So I would always tell the truth. I would always like say the thing, like stick the foot in the mouth. I could not help it. And so I just realized that I just kept fighting against myself and it wasn't doing me any favors. And the energy that it was requiring to try to not be who I was was just taking up so much weight in my life. I also lived in Kauai, that's where my daughter was born. It's my spiritual home. I love it so much. We're actually going to go back soon for a visit. Um, and while I was there, I learned about human design. And so, you know, with human design, you have a blueprint. It's kind of like the way that I explain you have a blueprint in your mind with your unconscious mind. Well, you have a blueprint of how you operate in the world. And if you could know what that blueprint was, how freeing would that be for you to be who you were meant to be? So when I went to this event, this human design event, they took my chart, they like projected it on the wall. And so the guy who's facilitating the event, he just kind of started describing my personality, the things that had happened in my life, like all these things. And I started laughing out loud, like, how do you know all of these things? Right. And it felt like for the first time in my life, I had permission to be who I was. It was like looking at something that was explaining to me this is why you operate this way. And it felt so freeing. And there's so many other people who I've talked to who've done human design and felt the same thing. Like they just finally felt like they had permission to be who they were. And so I think that also living in Hawaii, I think a lot of people think you're living in paradise. It's so great. And I often tell people, oh, you don't know that Hawaii puts you through an initiation phase. And I've heard that tough. Yeah. It's a tough one. If you can make it through, she's like welcoming you with open arms, but it is not easy. And also, Kauai specifically, what if you look at the Hawaiian Islands, some people think that they correspond to correspond to the chakras. So um, Kauai sits at the third eye point. And so the people who are drawn to Kauai are different in terms of they're often seeking like a spiritual experience or awakening. Um, there's also just the understanding of the element that rules the island is water because it hosts the wettest place on the planet, Mount Wale. So all of your stuff, you're continually gonna be cleansed and it's gonna keep bringing it up to the forefront. And because there's not a lot of distractions, since you're on an island with a road that's one lane both ways, it doesn't even circumvent the whole entire island because the Nepali coast cuts it off, you're gonna be left to yourself. So you have no distractions. You're constantly being asked to like deal with your stuff. And so I think living there as well, it really helped me to see here are all the things that you need to work through. You know, who do you want to become? And then along the way, I became a mother. And that journey in and of itself was so challenging because I was sick the entire pregnancy, projectile vomiting everywhere, could not function. And so it was so tough. And that was another humbling experience that really brought me to my needs, especially with my eating disorder, where the when the opportunity to choose binging and purging or whatnot was taken away from me, and I was just like constantly nauseous and like purging, I was like, why did I ever think to do this voluntarily to myself? And then my body after gave birth, I did a natural childbirth. And within a week, my body was like back to the way that it was, and I felt like it was this moment of my body showing me, like, look what we did. We created a life, we brought all of these things to you. Can we finally get on the same page and like, you know, work together on this? And so that was a very healing experience. I ended up getting married, who I'm now divorced from, but that experience as well really brought me to my needs, like all of the things in our marriage. It was not a healthy marriage. It really forced me to reckon with my relationship issues. Um, and so by the time that we moved across the world and then got back to California where we are now, I was like, whew, like it's time to like deal with the stuff. Otherwise, all of this stuff is just gonna keep following me. So that's kind of when I um decided to sell my branding and marketing agency and really focus on the coaching element of things because I could see that this is what people kept wanting to come to me for is the healing work. This is why it's it's part of my human design, is that when I'm in the room, other people feel their own emotions more. So just by me being there, they experience themselves more. And that's what they wanted. They wanted to know themselves better, they wanted to get to that next level of being, whether that was professional career accomplishment or just personal satisfaction. And so it's been really exciting to be able to do that. Very long-winded to your question.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

Yes, no, you're strong. It sounds like you've had so many breakthroughs. Like that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Yeah, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

I couldn't even, I mean, everybody always thinks their stuff is a little bit worse than everybody else, but like you've gone through some, you've had some challenges.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

One of the things that I had heard when I was doing my yoga teacher training is if you if you were all in a room with everybody who you knew and everybody took their problems and put them all on the table in the center, everybody would gladly pick up their own problems back. Because once you actually saw what everybody was going through, you're like, no, thanks, I'll just deal with my stuff.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Absolutely.

unknown 14:05

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Yeah. Oh man. So before before you shifted, or you think started to shift for you, like, what do you believe about yourself? How did you see yourself?

SPEAKER_01 14:14

I definitely believed that I had to earn my worth. I believed that struggle was normal. I believed that um I had to constantly be on and always performing. Um, vulnerability was not, even though I'm very vulnerable in my writing and people and my ongoing joke is like the amount of people who cry to me on a daily basis is very high. But my own ability to access like the tears to come forward is not as easy, which is something that I've actually shifted and worked on. Um, but it's all of these things of I think self-doubt, of just not being at rest. I think there's a lot of people who I work with where the majority of our work together is just getting your nervous system regulated so that you can actually feel like it's settled. And someone used that word with me once where she went to like a somatic massage and she walked out and she said, I think that was the first time that I ever felt like my nervous system was settled. And so you can only move in your life as far as your nervous system will allow. If you don't feel safe, you're gonna constantly be on heightened alert. So one of the things that I like, and one of the things that I've started moving into is just this space of quantum physics and how the world actually works, because I love that science continues to demonstrate what ancient wisdom has known all along. And so there's a doctor, Jacob Lieberman, he wrote a whole book about your eyes and light and how intuition comes. And one of the lines that he has in his book is if you're a scientist for long enough, you become a mystic because there's no way you can deny the magic and the magnificence of things. And I loved that understanding. So one of the things that I help clients understand is there's three key things that we're working on our value, our sense of value, our sense of safety, and our sense of power. So those are the three things. And if you feel any of those are threatened, you're gonna respond in a certain way. Your behaviors indicate what your beliefs are. So if you believe that you are 60% valuable, the world will show you you're 60% valuable. And then the other 40%, you're trying to either validate that or like, you know, manage all of the stories that you have going on. And so I like to remind people like, actually, you're 100% valuable, 100% safe, and 100% powerful. Anything that doesn't allow you to believe that is conditioning. It could be conditioning from the world, your life experiences, whatever it is. And so we can help you get back to that. But I think that any of the beliefs that I had were around those buckets of, well, I'm actually not safe in the world, so I better be vigilant. And like, you know, I talk to so many people who like cannot take a nap for the life of them because when you take a nap, you're like, no, then I have to like, I can't be on guard or I have to be so productive. Uh, and you know, just not going after the things that I actually wanted, because I just didn't believe that I could have them. And so I'd rather not put myself out there to even like question it or like try if I knew that that was the truth. And one of the biggest things that happened in the conclusion of my relationship, and the reason that I'm not saying like break up is I it's the first time that I've ever ended a relationship with someone where I still care about the person, where we have like a healthy dynamic. And a therapist friend of mine was like, that's growth. But everything else before that ended in a ball of hellfire. So I was like, oh. Um and so one of the things that I realized is even in this very safe, healthy relationship, I wasn't fully being honest with the things that I actually wanted, and that I that had become even more important to me over time. And so we were in Mexico on a trip for Thanksgiving. It was just he and I, and we're getting ready for bed. And I finally just looked at him and I was like, you know what? I think it's time for me to acknowledge that I'm not gonna pretend I don't want these things anymore. I even though I was married and I'm divorced and you know, all of that kind of stuff. I I think one day I do want to have another big like not another, I didn't have a big wedding celebration the first time around, but to have an actual celebration of our love and all of these things with our friends who are witnesses, I want that. I want to buy a house with someone and be able to build that future with them. I want someone who loves my daughter so much. And because they understand by loving my daughter, it's like loving me. And so if you don't want these things, that's totally okay. He has his own stories and his own life and all of these things, but I'm just not gonna pretend that I don't want it anymore. And so it led to like a different pivotal kind of discussion, but I first had to acknowledge that those were things that were even important to me. And I was like, in the back of my mind, even as I was saying it to him, I was like patting myself on the back, like, good job, Judy, good job, like going and asking the things that you want. Um, and it's scary. So I fully understand you know the stages that it takes for people to get to where they're ready. But I also often tell clients, like, change happens in an instant. The thing that takes the longest is your readiness for that change to happen.

SPEAKER_00 19:17

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

So yeah, so we're often just preparing ourselves to like make the ask. And then finally, when you make the ask, okay, like it's done. Like, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Yeah, like it wasn't so bad, it should have done a long time ago.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Exactly, exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Yes, and I think it's ironic, like you mentioned, like you wanted to work on yourself, and then the people that came to you were looking for that same thing that you wanted for yourself. So they were looking for identity work without even probably knowing what it was or how to name it. Yeah, and you needed that for yourself. So I think that's that's funny. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Every time I work with clients and I'm going, like taking notes and you know, all that kind of stuff, I always feel like it's the universe nudging me and being like, see this? Like, this is also for you.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

I was like, Yes, that's true.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

When you start working on yourself, do you remember like how you were feeling in your body and like are the things that happened to your body as you were trying to like break through or do different things?

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Yeah, a lot of discomfort, a lot of, you know, what I tell clients is your old identity, it's familiar. Your brain's job is to keep you safe. So to keep you safe, it just goes based on what's familiar. And the new identity that you're trying to live into, there's often like a chasm between the two, and that's like the most uncomfortable because now you realize there's some way else that I want to be, but I'm not ready yet, or I'm not really familiar with it. So what do I do? And so I tell clients, hey, your brain is just doing what it says knows how to do, it's trying to keep you safe. You have a default mode network, a reticular activating system that's filtering out everything that doesn't align to your beliefs and your values. Okay, so there's new this new way that you want to be.

unknown 20:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

And so just titrate like microdose essentially your new identity. Just keep showing your unconscious mind it's okay, like you can do it, it's safe. And then as that becomes more familiar, it will become your new normal. So discomfort doesn't mean there's something wrong. It's usually and often, even with negative experiences, it's an indicator that it's just not aligned with your core essence of who you are. And if you can see it that way, you could see it as information and it's an alert on your operating system. It's like an alert that you got. Okay, like, do I want to deal with this now? How do I want to address this? One of my favorite sayings is like, you may not be responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your next one. So what do you want in that next thought to be? And that gives you kind of that space and grace to maybe uh make the same thought diet that you had before, but then understand you're at cause and you get to choose the next one. And so I think that that's so important. And there was just so much discomfort. And when you take away old coping mechanisms, like my prior coping mechanisms or my eating disorder, like being very rigid with food or you know, relying upon it and So when I took that away, I had to just keep sitting with the discomfort. And so learning new resources that you have to do what it is that you need to do, I also tell people like in the universe, there's three key energies. There's being, doing, and having. We're really good usually at one of them. And we're really not so great at another one. But in terms of burnout or what it is when we're setting goals, that having energy is so important, that completion energy. So when we are trying to do, do, do all the time, we've like, you know, put the whole dynamic out of whack. So part of it is just allowing and learning to just okay, like I allow for all of this to exist right now, including the discomfort, including the understanding that I'm not exactly where I want to be. And so once you do that allowing, you strengthen like the having energy, the completion energy. And then you can start to like move into your next phase. So allowing, I think, the more that I started to move into okay, I don't love this, but I'm just gonna allow for this is gonna how it's gonna be. I've been telling clients lately too, like if you think about the universe and you think about all of existence, so like everything that exists in space and beyond, it's not saying like the shadows or you know, the people who've committed crimes or any of the political beliefs that you don't align with, like it's not saying that can't exist, it all exists, and so the universe allows for it all to exist. It's just the pushing against it that creates that friction. So, how can you be more of the universe? Because you are the universe, you're made of star stuff, it's in your body, the carbon, you know, the atoms, the elements. How can you be like the universe? Traditional Chinese medicine also treats your entire body like you are a mini universe. And so when something's out of alignment, it's trying to figure out how do we create that harmony again that resonates and mirrors the universe around you. So just the allowing is really important.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

That's so interesting. And you like you've been through so much yourself, and I'm I'm curious, like, what do you see women that you work with struggling with the most, like when they're trying to step into a different level or to do something outside of their comfort zone?

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Receiving and allowing.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

Receiving is really hard, especially I remember reading like a meme about parenting, which is if you didn't have the parents you needed growing up, you had to be extra vigilant and developing those resources yourself. So you're a highly capable individual versus like kind of, you know, a lot of us who then became parents, well, now we're hyper attuned and very like able, which actually could be a detriment to our kids because we're like overdoing, you know, all of those things. And so part of what I see with a lot of the clients who I work with is the receiving muscle is very weak. How do I just allow myself to like take it in from whether that's a compliment or receiving money or receiving support and help, like all of it? And then how do I just allow and not judge everything that's coming up? Because I think we have an idea of like, okay, well, if I'm pursuing spiritual alignment, it should look like this or the like this. And so I used to work for a when I was a yoga teacher for this editorial magazine that was all about live conscious music and events. So I had an opportunity to meet some really notable spiritual luminaries. And in the course of doing that, I interviewed someone who said, Oh, well, however many people there are on the planet, that's how many paths to enlightenment there are. And it was like a moment where I sat back and I was like, wait a minute. And he's like, Yeah, she was saying, like, it's not a one size fits all or even a one size fits many, it's a one-to-one. It's just you and your relationship with your evolution and your wisdom. And so, however that looks for you, that's right for you. And I just felt like, I wish more people knew that. Like, just right? I've never heard it like that. Yeah, exactly. So then you don't have to beat yourself up because this is your journey.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Yes. So, what do they normally think the problem is? So I know you said that their issue is receiving, but normally I would assume that they don't think like I have I have a receiving problem. That's why things are not flowing. Yeah. What are the what usually are they saying that it is or they're masking it with?

SPEAKER_01 26:27

So they're just hitting up. So career is what people, a lot of people come to me for. And they can be founders and entrepreneurs or people who are in, you know, C-level positions. Um, they can one feel and sense that something's off. Yes. They know that there's blocks and barriers that shouldn't be. Like they're just, they keep telling me, I'm smarter, like I know why this is happening or I know what this is actually about, but I can't seem to get past it. I can't get past this trigger. And um, the other thing that they come to me for is just like the dissatisfaction of realizing you work so hard. So just why doesn't it feel better? Like, why isn't it more enjoyable, you know? Um, and I'm trying to think of like what are some of the other common things. I think everybody just has a knowing that something's off. Right. And they just can't figure out how to unlock it. Like they've done the therapy, they've done other things, and they're just like, it's not getting there, it's not doing it for me. So, you know, and then some of them just are at levels of pain of like, I'm so exhausted, I don't want to feel like this anymore.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Yes, where they're finally like that, I'm done. Yeah. And they've and many of them are like they have tried so many strategies, and they're like, okay, this is not working at all. This is not making it any better.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

Yes, yeah, yeah, definitely. They've tried a lot of different things. It hasn't gotten them the results that they wanted. Um, and they're like, you know, impatient and it's impacting other areas of their lives. So, in addition to career, it's impacting relationship, parenting, all of these kinds of things. Um, so yeah, and physical health, you know, all of the things.

SPEAKER_00 27:59

Right. In your experience, like what needs to change internally? What needs to shift for someone to change externally or for their outer world to start seeing showing them what they actually want for themselves?

SPEAKER_01 28:11

I love the understanding of logical levels of change and it's like the identity work. So for a lot of us, we think if we adjust the behavior and if we adjust the environment, that that's going to make the difference that we need. So that's like pushing a boulder uphill. It's the base, like bottom of you know, the indicators of our lives. When you do the identity level work, you're working at the top. Who am I? Who do I believe that I am? And then it's the capabilities. What do I believe that I'm capable of doing? Like your value system, your values drive your behaviors. So then, so identity, your values, the capabilities, and then that drives behavior and environment. And so it's a trickle-down effect that's so much easier because you've done like the heavy lifting at the top. And so people are always like, wait, what? And I tell them, if you work at the identity level, your behaviors just become convincers that something's changed. You're gonna notice as you move through life, you're doing things differently or you're thinking about things differently. And you're like, wait, what? That was just so natural. How did that happen? It's because you did the identity work. And so I think that once you realize I'm just pushing the boulder uphill, I'm trying to muscle my way through this, you know, change, on the inside, you're going to realize like there's just something bigger that you can't put your finger on. I think that that is like kind of the that constant seeking. And then when you realize, like, oh, wait, there is a solution. If I work on the identity, it's gonna do all the other things, then that becomes like the most exciting part is um how rapid that change occurs and how natural. Because then you get to just work with like your being and who you're being, the doing and easy. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

I see so many people, they have like so many lists of what they need to do, how they need to do it, in what order. And it doesn't get them the results that they want. And they're and that's usually like what I see drives them like, okay, like I need to look at something else because I'm doing all the things and nothing is moving the needle.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I think that displeasure. I also want to say, you know, when I was doing my book proposal, part of what I was noting and citing the stats about is how many communities of color wait until the last minute to go get help. We've been taught like to be hyper-independent and you know, even like where I invest my money, I would rather invest in like a tangible thing, a house or a car or whatever, than like my mental and emotional health. And so I would love for people to start doing this work before they get to that point of breakdown and before it becomes so painful that there's like they've already, you know, had to deal with so many other things. You don't have to wait to that moment for things to change. Um, and so I really hope that people will hear that message.

SPEAKER_00 31:03

Right. So if somebody was like at the edge, what would do you wish they understood sooner? That they needed to get mental health or start working under identity level, or what would you suggest?

SPEAKER_01 31:14

That there's support available. I think just even knowing that there's help available and that they're not alone in what it is that they're going through. I think one of the biggest and most rewarding parts of everything that I've ever done when I've written something and put it out there is when people say, Oh my gosh, I thought I was the only one, or you put into words things that I was feeling, but I didn't know how to express. And so, first and foremost, you're not alone. Um, and I I know there's this book by Jenny Lawson called Furiously Happy. Uh, and I used to listen to the audiobook while I was driving in Austin because she is from Texas, just outside of Austin. But it was hilarious. And she also talks about mental health in a way that I hadn't ever seen anyone approach before, being able to bring a level of levity to it, but also really like diving right into the heart of it. And so one of the things that she said was when you are going through like a mental health episode, your brain starts working against you and like telling you lies, and it starts making you believe things. And she's like, suicide is basically murdering yourself. So, you know, like how could you get to a point where you believe that you're no longer worthy of life or being? And so her approach to mental health was so helpful. But I think the key takeaway was you're not alone. Please know that you're not alone. Please know that at this moment your brain is a little bit jumbled and jobbled. And so you're not seeing as clearly as you could. And I'm speaking from experience, like I had severe postpartum depression. I um, you know, and I got to that point where my brain was telling me lies essentially. And thank goodness I got the help that I needed and even saw a um doctor who was prescribing medication. And even the reason that I even got to that level was because my ex-husband's father is an MD and he also is very much into like the natural way of healing too. But he intuitively knew something was wrong. And so we called my ex-husband and asked, like, when we were together, how's Judy doing? And my husband at the time tends to like put a rosy picture on things. So he's like, She's fine. And he called back the next day and he asked the same exact question. And then that's when my then husband opened up and was like, no, she's not doing well, like, you know. Um, and this was two years after the fact, after I gave birth. So his dad said, You need to make sure she sees a doctor, like an MD, because I know her. She's gonna want to try the natural way of healing. That's not enough now. Her brain chemistry has changed. You need to get her to see an MD. So then, because of that, almost like it gave me like a mini permission to go talk to the doctor. I went to the doctor and was so like devastatingly low. And she looked at me and she said, Look, I can help you. This is a solvable problem. But if you choose to commit suicide, that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I need you to understand that. I need you to understand it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And like her saying that to me and saying it explicitly and clearly was another way for me to help understand, oh, my brain's not functioning well right now. Right. I need help and I need support. And so I just want people who, if they're at the edge, to know that that they're not alone, that there is support and that you can and you will get through it. And I can speak from like the lowest of lows to get to where I am now.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

Yes, I'm so glad you you got the help that you needed. And I think that is very important for people to realize that there is actually help. And, you know, there's always other resources that, but I think so many people are just so close to the idea or so ashamed, or you know, I don't want anybody to hear about it. I don't want nobody to know that I'm going through this. But absolutely, there are many resources that that's available for them.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

Totally, absolutely. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

Okay, last question. So for someone who wants to change their circumstances, what's the smallest action that actually shifted how you saw yourself? Like not just gave you insight, but helped you change your identity.

SPEAKER_01 35:19

Hmm, that's a good question. Um, I feel like it's interesting because I realize now in talking to so many different people that my brain just works a little bit differently than most. So I my daughter is um like undiagnosed ADHD. Her child therapist is like, she probably is, but you know, you could invest if you want to, but you know, just know that she's probably neurodivergent. In fact, my daughter was at school, they were doing like an assembly with all of these people who were diverse in a bunch of different ways, neurodivergent, physically, you know, diverse, all this stuff. She came home, she's like, Mom, do I have ADHD? Why do you say that? And she's like, I've looked at the slide that the girl was like, you know, talking about and she's like, I think I have all those things. So I guess explain to her like your brain works a little bit differently. And so it's just learning the strategies to work with that. So, first and foremost is understanding, like, oh, I'm different, and everybody's different, right? And to allow yourself to be different. Like, I think that that was I was trying so hard as the black sheep to fit in, and it just wasn't doing me any favors. And so when I finally just realized, oh, I'm just I'm just not the same as everybody else, and that's okay. I need to figure that out and like lean into it more. And then the more that I lean into how freaking weird I am in a bunch of different ways, the better my life got. And so I think um just understanding, you know, again, you're one of one from the beginning of time ever after, there will never ever be another you. You there will never be an expression of consciousness the way that you express consciousness. So every way that you're expressing it, every day that you're living your life, every moment that you have, you'll you are the universe learning about itself. And how awesome is that? So, how can you do and allow yourself to just keep learning and growing in that of who you are?

SPEAKER_00 37:16

Well, I love the way you worded that. That is so perfect. Well, thank you so much, Judy. I really appreciate you being here with me. Um, where can people find you and connect with your work?

SPEAKER_01 37:27

Yeah, absolutely. So I'm really active on LinkedIn and Instagram, and it's all under my name, J-U-D-Y-T-S-U-E-I, and my website as well. So um, I love that when people visit the website, they're always like, oh, I can feel your energy like coming through. I think the photographer did an amazing job. And they're just like, I'm so curious. It's like, you know, how does that work? How does that work? Um, and then if people are curious too, I made an AI-built assessment based on the ways that I take clients through the detailed personal history when we do a breakthrough session. And so I've made that available to everyone now. And when people go through it, they're like, whoa, that was amazing. It told me because it's built with my languaging, my approach, all of my knowledge, it was able to assess the patterns that you're going through and to float that up into your conscious awareness because once you see it, you can't unsee it. And that's an important thing, it's gonna change the strategy. So this assessment is built to help you identify what that pattern is. And also people tell me, like, oh my God, that's exactly what I'm doing. And it gave me the words to be able to know that that's what I'm doing. So you can go to inner blueprint.judiedsway.com and you can go check that out as well.

SPEAKER_00 38:38

If this conversation sparks something in you, subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you're a woman who's been doing everything right but can't seem to break past a certain level, DM me the word stuck on LinkedIn.