You're Saving A Dress For A Day That Isn't Coming | Lee Forrester

You have a dress in your closet you're never going to wear. You know which one.

You're saving it for a day that isn't coming. And you've been doing it for years.

In this episode, reinvention strategist Lee Forrester names what most women won't say out loud: the life you're living isn't the life you want, and you've made peace with it.

We cover:

Why women lose themselves in roles and don't notice until the roles end 

The "monkeys in your head" that talk you out of every new version of yourself 

The codependency hiding inside marriages that look healthy from the outside 

Why your closest friends sometimes resist your transformation, and what their silence is actually saying 

The exact reason women sabotage the life they say they want when it shows up 

What it takes to stop running your life based on the opinions of people who barely think about you

If you've been quietly asking yourself "is this it for me" and haven't let yourself answer, this conversation is for you.

Connect with Lee:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachingbylee/ 

Book: Speak! A Guide to Unleashing Every Woman's Voice — https://amzn.to/49viwtC

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/coachingbylee/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/COACHINGBYLEE

If this episode sparked something in you, share it with a woman who needs to hear it.

DM me "stuck" if you're doing everything right but can't break past a certain level.

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1:1 Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/desibatista/30min

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You may have that one auntie who's just a go-getter and she's so flashy and smart. And there's that one auntie. I think every family has that one auntie who's just she's just out there marching to the beach of her own drum, but that's not what we do. That's her. She's just she's like that. She's always been like that. But all of us can are not literally living to our full a potential and who we truly are. We're living to who we think we're supposed to be.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Today I'm talking to Lee Forrester, a reinvention strategist for women 40 and older. She helps empty nesters and career changers find their voice on the direction and make bold choices to design the life they're actually meant to live. In this conversation, we're exploring what happens when the identity you built your life around no longer fits and what it actually takes to step into the next version of yourself. Can you take me back to a moment in your own journey when you realized that the life you built no longer fit the woman you had become?

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Yeah, been a been a couple of times. I think one of the earliest times was in my nursing career when I would stand. I remember being in a patient's room and thinking, where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing? Because I'm kind of done here. I'm I need to go, but I couldn't figure out what it was. But it wasn't me anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

So how did you figure out like why you were having that friction?

SPEAKER_01 1:42

I don't know if I th I think I just outgrown that. I I was I guess growing as a person and realizing I wanted I've always been a person that wanted more. Not from a place of ingratitude or not liking what I had, because my life looked very pretty uh on the outside. It was quite pretty. Um but I just I think I like to wear multiple hats and I just didn't see myself just being one thing. And I had this vision that having daughters, they needed to see me with they need to see the multi-factored me, not just mother. I was I had a persona, I had other things. I mean, I do have some you know neurodivergency, so that's all wrapped up in that, and that you just can't just do one thing. Um, I just needed to do more, something that felt more in even more empowering, more impactful, and I saw myself more as a I wanted to be more in charge of me, as opposed to being in a job where I was following roles and regulations and systems. I needed, I needed something, I needed something else.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Now, with the women that when women come to you, what is it that they usually seek? What do they think the problem is, and what do you start to see?

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Yeah. Many have, you know, they've had a career and had a family, maybe the children have gone off, they're getting to the end of high school or going off to college, and their life and their world has been so wrapped up in that that they have lost who they are. Like they don't exactly know who they are anymore. And it happens a long time ago because even prior to that, you're asking women, tell me about yourself or who are you? And they they're somebody's mother and somebody's wife, and they work at Company X, but it's not about who they are. Somehow they got lost in the shuffle, and so their roles are changing, and it's the now what? I've literally asked people, so you know, what are you up to now? Or what do you what do you see yourself doing next? Or what's what's next for you? And have said, that's a really good question. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Wow. So what does their life usually look like once they kind of come into that realization that you know the life they built is no longer for them, or they're not identifying with that anymore?

SPEAKER_01 4:15

It's there's a little, you know, you can if life is very, very comfortable, sometimes it's easy just to keep doing the things, the roles, the keeping of the home, and you know, planning the vacations, and and I call everybody's husband Bob. What's the Bob's dinner? Everybody's Bob. And they become used to that, and it's comfortable to some extent, but there are some who like, well, if you're in good health, and let's say, let's say she's in her 50s, maybe, and let's say she could live to her 80s and beyond. That's a lot of decades without any kind of vision or view or desire. That's that's a lot of years. And what does that look like other than the everydayness of life, which is which is lovely. And so it's helping her to see what's possible. It does she doesn't have to be a a world leader, she doesn't have to write a book necessarily, but what do you want it to look like? And most women I find don't ask themselves that at all. Because we weren't really encouraged to do that growing up as little girls. It's all about a lot of servitude and which is all very good, but um it was considered selfish to think of yourself with that era of woman about what she wants, as opposed to say other generations, people in their twenties think differently of themselves.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

I'm glad you said that. One thing I keep seeing in the conversations I've been having lately is that a lot of what it was installed by us was installed by family, culture, or our upgrade upbringing. And we were most of the times told what a good woman was supposed to be, was supposed to do, and where she fits in the world. Now, how much of that do you think is keeping women stuck or like keeping them in this in this zone of I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want?

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Right. Because she's you know, a lot of our embeddedness got happened from zero to seven. And then you you also we tend to be like the people around us. We hang out with people that oftentimes are like are like us, or maybe in our neighborhoods or in our school and what have you. And you may have that one auntie who's just a go-getter and she's so flashy and smart. And there's that one auntie. I think every family has that one auntie who's just she's just out there marching to the beat of her own drum, but that's not what we do. That's that's her. She's just she's like that, she's always been like that. But all of us can are not literally living to our full A potential and who we truly are. We're living to who we think we're supposed to be. I I know from from personal experience that um I lived according to what I thought they family, especially what it looked like culturally, um, societally, and for females, and we're performing all the time. There's a lot of performing going on. I saw this great thing on Facebook, Instagram somewhere yesterday. You showed a lady, you know, the dresses in your closet, the really sparkly, the ball gown, the tutu. And she was wearing it for everyday life. Like, but we're waiting for this one day, this day that's coming that we can wear this lovely dress. And the lady was wearing a sea queen dress to the supermarket. Most of us would never dare do that, but like, otherwise she just sits there not getting worn. And it's the same with us. We're not we're not living out fully, we're just kind of contained and behaving.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Yes. And I think it's ironic when we have that auntie in the family that's living how she wants, and she's, you know, fully aligned with what she wants, and she's clear about that. Most of the family usually sees them as that's the black sheep. I think that's so weird.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

She's, you know, she's a rebel, she's not towing the line, she's not, she's not like she's not like us. She's always been a bit different since she was a child. And and I I think to some extent we all want to have some of that for ourselves. We just don't, we don't dare or we don't know how to, because we live, I live grew up with a lot of judgment. So what will people think? And we're so afraid about what people think, then we live most of our lives based on what we what we perceive other people will think. That's a lot of control we give to other people.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Yes, and it's a it's a lot of pressure on ourselves as well. Now, when women their identity is stripped, right? Their kids are out of the house, you know, maybe they're tired of their job. Like, so what do they try to fix? What is the first thing they try to, like, okay, let me this is what I need to do, I guess, to fill that gap.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Yeah, they might do, yeah, they might be trying to be more active. They might go working out, they might try yoga Pilates, and I now got the time for myself, so maybe they're gonna do a little bit of self-care in that way, or maybe there's projects at the house, but still not oftentimes about just them. Plan more, maybe more vacations with with Bob or the still, still having trouble letting go of those kids. So they're trying to find ways to have them come home more or be with them more or go there where they are and spend time with them. They haven't quite fully taken on those are young people that are going off into the world to do their life, and so it can be a struggle. She feels not very hopeful, so it's a little ho-hum in the same old, same old, this and that. And then she talks to other women who are in that season of life, and maybe their bodies are changing, and so it just becomes like a you know, like a bit of a a growing pity party with other people who don't really have things on the up and up going on. Life is good, it's pretty, lovely, pristine homes, manicured lawns, pretty car, vacations where they're like, but something is still off and missing. There's no th there's no thrill.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Right. And do you see them still operating in the sense of what other people expect of them versus like, okay, now I have the space to do something different?

SPEAKER_01 10:42

They know they have the space, but I don't think they have the tools or the strategy to make that change. And maybe one of their friends has gone off and quit her job and moved to this other, you know, developing country and is living her best life, but they don't see that as something that they can do. Like, how do you even do that? But yeah, Susie Q, can you imagine? She went here, her kids left for college and she's living in Bali and she's having a great time. And and um, but that's them. It's not, they don't see that in themselves. And and I get that, I've written a book. And what when I had friends years ago that wrote a book, I could see myself doing that. I'm like, that is so amazing. You wrote a book. How do you even do that? That's incredible. But I didn't I didn't even think about it for myself. Like, didn't occur to me.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Now you talk about reinvention, not about um starting over, but realigning. What's the difference between those two?

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yeah, because you're starting, you're not starting all over again. You've had a life. The ladies I work with, oftentimes corporate ladies, um, raise families, they've got a ton of experience, are highly educated, very experienced. You've run teams and all of that. You've lived a life, you have a lot of experience. You're not, you're not just getting out of college and you know, got a lot of theory, but no life experience. And it can feel like you're starting again when you're starting something completely new, but you bring all your life's experiences with you to that new starting place of that other new venture, if it's in the entrepreneurial space, say, or just this thing you've always wanted to do and been there or didn't have the time. You bring all that wealth of information, and you don't know sometimes how you'll use it, but it does show up. So you come with that on your back, like a backpack, and you you come equipped. You're not. I know what it feels like to think you're starting again, but I realized I wasn't starting at ground zero. I was starting at another position and and then going up from there with that.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Right. What happens to the women internally when they try to step into a new version or something completely different?

SPEAKER_01 13:01

I call it the monkeys in the head get a chattering. That's what I call them. Because they you can't do that, you've never done that before. How are you gonna do it? Do you have the money? Can you make any money from doing this? And what people are gonna think? Nobody in your family's ever done that, and they just chatter, chatter, chatter. So there's you know, there's this gusto, I'm gonna do this, and then it's two steps forward and one step backwards, um, because there's still you're still kind of recreating that new self. You're still making some neural pathways in your brain where you're doing new behaviors and new thoughts, new activities, new life. Um, even if she's not trying to reinvent, I'm working with somebody right now, and she wants to do more things. She's happily married, has a lovely home, her kids are grown. She wants to do more things independently, but it seems scary because she's done everything with her husband. They do all the things together. But he's recently spending a lot more time golfing, and she says, and there I am, just at home alone. She has the means, she has the time, and not quite sure about getting in her car and driving herself to some place to do whatever activity by herself, but she wants to. It's she it's just it's like building up that momentum because it it does take you have to do a lot of self-talk sometimes. I let's just say get get your fist behind you and put it behind your back and kind of like you gotta push yours push yourself and tell the monkeys to be quiet. I'm going. Here we are in the car in reverse. We're doing this, we're doing this, and it gets better over time, but you gotta do it the first time and the second time, like with anything.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Do you think they're afraid that it might cost them their relationships or their relationships, their existing relationships are going to change dramatically? You know, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

And there might be some element of fear. What if I become more independent-minded? How does that affect our relationship? Because right now, relationships, men and women that are that I know that are, you know, they're they're like they're besties, they're friends, they're husband and wife, but they're also friends, they talk about everything, they do everything together, and everything is a little bit about when he wants to have dinner or when we want to go here, or it's it's a play off each other. Now you're asserting yourself, and I'll be gone for the afternoon. I'll see you later. There's stuff in the fridge for your dinner. Are you good with that? And that's that's a whole different persona that you're kind of taking on. And what are you telling yourself that that means? Because we all tell ourselves things mean something, or maybe they don't. He'll be maybe happy that you found an activity to do with a girlfriend or by yourself. Because I've heard a man say, We love you, but we don't need to be with you all the time. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

So it sounds like it's kind of like codependency, like she, you know, they can't almost function without. Well, like you said, a lot of times I see more on the woman's side, she can't almost function without the husband's input or her partner's input before she it's almost like they are asking for permission in a way.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

Exactly. Asking for permission. And then and that's an interesting dynamic um that kind of culturally um has come, and because of the season of her life, and and it's interesting because sometimes you're like I was having this conversation kind of with myself this morning. Like, sometimes you're the lover and sometimes you're the child, like in a relationship. Like, which is it? We kind of flip and flop around a little bit. We might make a financial decision or do this thing. I have to ask Bob as opposed to, oh, I'm gonna chat with Bob about it. See what we're gonna well, you know, is it but I'm if I'm asking, that almost sounds like you need permission.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Right. Does it come a point where they actually recognize that they're not acting like on their own and that they're a codependent?

SPEAKER_01 17:16

I don't know if they I don't know if they see it. And and to some extent, they see they might almost like it in that it's comfort and safety and security, and that's what women look for in a relationship. We we come and we want want to feel safe, we want to feel secure, we want to look be looked out for. He's covering this, he manages that, and they're in some ways, I just don't really have to worry about some things because it's it's handled, and um, which is a lovely place to be in where you don't have to think about stuff.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

I I can't fault that. So, do you think that has to do with like the dynamic they saw growing up, or perhaps the environment they grew up in?

SPEAKER_01 18:04

I I think all of that, maybe what they saw with their families or what they didn't get, and now they want it because they didn't have that security. Maybe dad wasn't home, maybe it wasn't a wonderful relationship, and so what are you looking for? What are you seeking? And and I I want to encourage women to yes, if you've got that tight and wonderful relationship, that's a beautiful thing, but don't lose yourself in the process because um I think a man that's comfortable with himself, say, is happy for you to have your own thing too. He doesn't necessarily want to be the everything all the time, depending on the the the type of dynamics you have in a relationship, of course. But it's kind of I think it's kind of cool to have a to know who you are and bring yourself to the relationship. Have your own thoughts about things and um a little bit of independence, I think, once you taste it, can feel quite good.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

I think it's so important for women to keep their individuality, you know, when they're in a relationship and always have something, you know, that that's more their identity versus okay, I have to do this because everybody else expects me to do that. Now, once a woman recognizes there's something wrong, something's out of alignment, what does it take for it to for her to break that pattern?

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Yeah, it's to have, I think, a quest, a quest to find what that is. Who am I? What am I? I've been this and this and these titles. Well, what do I really want? What do I enjoy? It takes time to figure out what you like without putting the roadblocks in the way. What does your ideal day look like? Where are you? Where do you wake up? What time? What do you do first thing in the morning? Do you have coffee? Do you go out for coffee? Is coffee brought to you in bed? What does life, what does it look like in its ideal ideal state? And making that search for it. Explore in your mind first, that's where everything happens, what that could look like. And do little teaser things. Maybe I'll go close to home and maybe I'll go sit at a coffee shop by myself, or maybe I'll pick up the coffee and sit in the park, or sit in my car alone with no agenda and see what that feels like. Testing the waters. I'm safe. It's okay. Everybody's going about their life, nobody's looking at me. I'm okay. You've got to put your toes out in the water a little bit. It doesn't have to be, you don't have to go off on a sabbatical to some faraway country. Just try something a little bit different than you've done before and and see how it feels.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

When they start becoming somebody new or working on other things, do the people around them support them or do they want them how they've always been?

SPEAKER_01 21:13

That's a great question. Because that depends on the people. Some people like you the way you've always been. And if you decide to step out a little bit, it's scary for them. It's like, who do you think you are and where you're going? What are you doing? Because you've been this for us this whole time, and now you're expanding over there. So you will find out who your friends are. Sure. Some will be supportive. You go, that's so brave, that's amazing. And others would be like, Well, why are you doing that? And we're doing this. We've never done that. And should you do that? Is that safe? Oh, I don't know. And so you will you will find out. I've heard stories from ladies, one lady in particular. She I work with ladies with weight loss and Body transformation as well. She'd lost a lot of weight and a good friend for many, many years, who she saw all the time while her body was transforming. She lost a significant amount of weight, changed her life, became more active, all of these things. She's had a friend, like her best friend, never said one thing about the change in her body. Not anything. Nothing at all. She said, I just don't understand. Because yeah, she's known you as this as this other person who had this body type. And even if the friend is herself slender, say, you're not the way she knew you as. And now she's dealing with her own, really, what is all that's going on, her own insecurity. It's not even projected at you, but it's it comes up that way. People who've changed their life, they've got a new job, making more money. Um, sometimes friends kind of back away because it makes them uncomfortable. So you will you will find out. It's an a lot of discovery going on at that time.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

So when they're trying these new identities or trying to be different, does it change how they show up to the world and how they show up to people?

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Initially, yeah. It's gonna until people get used to that new evolving person, like kind of like a butterfly. It's you know, first it's whatever thing, and it evolves and comes out and flies and goes off and is beautiful. But there is that, you know, that that stage, I call it like wearing an itchy sweater, like this doesn't, it's not fitting anymore. And people see you kind of starting to emerge, and it can make them uncomfortable. People will adjust if they were sincere and good for you in the first place, they will adapt or they won't, and they will fall off with with your altitude essentially, and that's just the the cost of your elevation or movement can be uncomfortable, but you will also adjust, you will find, well, what was this relationship anyway? What why was I hanging on so tight? Not that you don't value friendships, but you will you will adapt, like changing your diet. Sometimes it's you know, you want to eat this or you're you're upset you had to give up that. Over time, you will adapt. Then you'll look back and like, huh, I don't know if I even like that anymore, anyway. And you're not even missing it.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

Amazing. That that's unfortunate that some relationships will fall through. Now, when they're changing, is there ever a time when they're making progress and they're doing different things and they retract back into like who they've always been?

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Yes, because they've not fully embraced a new identity yet, they're still struggling with identity. It's really all identity-based, and it and it's all about how you see yourself, and people will treat you according to how you see you. When you walk into a room and your energy, and your presence, and the way you show, people respond to responding to that. They will treat you as you see you. And sometimes you go back, that's why that's why people say diets don't work. They do work, but you didn't stay in the identity of the person who has this new body. You went back to the old way because you have not fully embraced that new person. You're afraid to take her on. So you you go back to the one that you're more comfortable with.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Now, what changes once once one of your clients actually makes the shift? Not just how they feel, but how they show up and how how does their life change?

SPEAKER_01 25:30

I'd love to see a woman transformed. I you can see it when she walks in a room. It is, it's just it's really exciting. I worked with a lady, and again, it was more on the wellness side, but she came in kind of broken, a little cowering, apologetic, not happy with her body, not happy with herself. She was working full-time and taking care of her husband who needed help. And as time went on, she started to come out. Her body language changed, her posture changed, her head was high. It was she walked differently. It's so extend so exciting. It's like you're like this proud mother, and you're looking at your child, it almost brought tears to my eyes to see her blossoming. Everything changes the way she sees herself, the way she carries herself. Now, now the hair is changing, and maybe the she's doing more care with the face. Maybe she's maybe she's wearing makeup and maybe she didn't before. Her postures change. It's like, who is that? It's it's from a coach's perspective, it's really exciting.

SPEAKER_00 26:31

That's amazing. Now, how can you tell the difference between someone that's ready to make the changes versus someone that's like not ready but wants to change?

SPEAKER_01 26:41

Right. Ready is curious and asking questions and talking about what's possible. Not ready, she's got a stick in the ground, and she'll give you many, many reasons why she cannot do X, Y, and Z, why she cannot move forward, and all the obstacles that are keeping her where she is. So she's created a life and a story and an identity around what she doesn't want, and me or anybody else trying to help her move forward or into something else. A is scary, but if you take that thing from her, that is not a desirable thing, she will snatch it right back off you. No, no, no. You that's that's mine. I gotta have it, it's mine because that's what she knows, and it's not like she doesn't want something else, but she's not identifying with that fully, so she'll defend that's why people say things like um, but that's how I am. You don't know me. That's how I am, that's how I've always been. She's hanging on to that thing.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

If a woman woke up tomorrow and her external life completely matched everything she actually wanted, but her identity has not changed, what would happen?

SPEAKER_01 27:57

She'll sabotage it.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

What would that look like?

SPEAKER_01 28:01

She might keep it for a little bit, but it'll be it'll be uncomfortable because she hasn't identified with that, and she may not feel worthy of that. She doesn't see herself there. And so while it's lovely, and it might be lovely for other people, it might be lovely for her neighbors and her friends, but she doesn't see herself that, and she will go do everything to to undo it. They say if you if you won the lottery or came into a million dollars or what have you overnight, you better become a millionaire very quickly because you will lose all that money because you don't see yourself with it.

SPEAKER_00 28:38

I've heard that they'll end up being right back where they were because they haven't shifted their identity, they're still the same person. Exactly. Exactly. Now, final question: What would you say to the woman who has been quietly asking, is this it for me? Like, is this is this all there is? But hasn't given herself from permission to answer honestly yet.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Yeah, keep asking, keep asking, keep looking, keep it keep scratching the surface, keep listening and look. So your your mind is like a goal-seeking missile. If you are asking questions, if you seek, you will find. As opposed to saying, I won't, I never, I can't. If she's looking, she will find the universe will bring things into your into your sphere that and you will find what you are aligned to in terms of philosophy or who you like to work with to help you get more information. If you're truly lucky looking, you will find. Keep exploring. Look on, you know, I would search through Pinterest and look for whatever it is and make little pin boards of things that I liked, whether I was redoing my living room or bathroom or not. Oh, that's a nice color. I like that color scheme. In in in that way, look for things. I'm very visual, so things like Pinterest or other places, help me kind of visualize what that would look like: a vacation, a place. Use your mind to explore. It's your mind, it is free, you can use it without judgment. Allow yourself to explore in your mind what it might look like. It doesn't have to be outlandish, just what could it be if I worked somewhere else? What would it be if I didn't have a job at all and I was doing something else? And just sit with it, don't be afraid. It's just a thought, like all the other random thoughts that run into your head, mostly crazy ones. So it's just a thought that you are in charge of, and just it's not wrong. It's just right, it's not right, it's just let it come through like a cloud passing by. Just let it come through and sit with it.

SPEAKER_00 30:56

I love that. I love that. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you being here once again. Now, where can people find you and connect with your work?

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Yeah, um, I'm on LinkedIn by my name, Lee Forrester with Forrester with two R's. I'm on Facebook by my name, also coaching by Lee. So those are two good places to find me. I'm also on Substack too. I have some articles there as well on the reinvented and resetting of the woman who's looking for something, something else.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

Awesome. I'll make sure to link those below. Now you mentioned you had you wrote a book. What's the name of your book?

SPEAKER_01 31:32

Called Speak, a guide to unleashing every woman's voice. Because despite all the words I shared with you today, I was once pretty much self-muted and didn't use my voice at all until I realized I was supposed to.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

That's awesome. I'll I'll make sure to look into it. If this episode sparks something inside of you right now, I do one on one clarity calls. 45 minutes, we figure out what's actually capping you, and you walk away knowing what to do next. Links in the show notes. Talk soon.