Your Kid NEEDS You to be Consistent

We break down why consistency is the real key to getting kids to cooperate more often, even when they are not naturally compliant. We share clear signs that your child may be learning entitlement and give you a simple plan to reset boundaries without backing down.
• consistency as the foundation for cooperation and regulation  
• what giving in teaches kids at home and in public   
• five questions to gauge entitlement and defiance patterns  
• how to talk with your child about new expectations  
• why follow-through matters more than the exact consequence  

If you need some input, you can message me at BeTheir Parent on Instagram.  
And if you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it.

 

Transcript

Tempo: 120.0

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Hi, I'm Sheila, and I'm here to help you be their parent. Often I'm asked how I was able to get my kids to cooperate and do what I said when they were young. They were not perfect kids, they weren't always compliant, and I was far from a perfect parent. But the key to them cooperating most of the time was my consistency. When I'm out and about and watch a preschool age kid tell a parent no, and the parent backs down, I inwardly groan because I know that this is their life all the time. It's not just because they're out in public and don't want to make a scene. I also know when the child starts kind of it is going to be rough for that kid, their class, and their teacher. And I also know that if the parents don't make adjustments at home to set those boundaries and expectations well, that kid is going to have a hard time all the way through high school and will have difficulty keeping a job as an adult. You might be thinking, Sheila, how can you know that? You can't tell the future. Well, that's true. I do see it play out consistently in groups of children that I'm around. Kids that don't have consistency at home and are allowed to do what they want are the kids that refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and choices. They tend to blame others for whatever is happening to them that is negative. They also have the fewest friends because other kids don't want to be around someone that will blame them for everything and are not kind. Some parents aren't even aware that they have created an entitled, apathetic, bossy, bully child. Now all of those descriptors may not apply to the child, but it's usually a couple of them. You might also be thinking, how would I know if that is my kid? I have a handful of questions that may be able to help you gauge if you have a problem. Number one, are you afraid to say no? When you need to tell them no, and in a split second it goes through your head that if I say no, they'll have a chant tantrum. So instead you say yes, that's a problem. Number two, do you receive multiple calls, emails, or messages from the school about the same thing? Like your child won't follow directions, they're not doing their work, they're stealing, they're picking on other kids. If yes, you have a problem. Number three, have your friends and or family stopped inviting your family as often to socialize? Or are they scheduling things that are only for the adults? If yes, you have a problem. Number four, does your child complain that they don't have any friends? Now this one is a little trickier because there could be other reasons that that might be the case. So you need to talk it through with your kid, and then you need to reach out to their teacher. But in doing that, you need to be prepared to hear that your kid isn't kind to others, so their classmates don't want to be around them. If that's the case, you have a problem. Number five, does your home feel tense? Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around your child? Are you worried that if they're unhappy, they might explode? If so, you have a problem. Now this is not an exhaustive list, but it is a starting point. If you've answered yes to any of these, you need to do some soul searching. You're the adult in the relationship. You're the one that is responsible for them. It is rare that a child wakes up one day and is defiant and always fights to get their way. It happened over time. The adults around the child gave them everything they wanted and gave in on things that were not the best for the child. You can fix this. It's not going to change in a day, a week, or even a month, depending on the intensity of the situation. And also know that as you work through this process, you there's still going to be meltdowns and they might get more intense, but they will get better. So to start off, you need to chat with your child and say that you have noticed that they have learned that they can get their way when they do A, B, or C. Tell them that you are their parent and that you know this isn't good for them. So there will be some changes. Ahead of time, you need to decide on one thing that you want to reclaim. Maybe it's bedtime, screen time, what they're watching, eating whatever they want, or fill in the blank for the thing that you are done giving in on. Tell them what the new expectation is. Now, if you're wanting to work on bedtime, I recommend you go back and listen to episodes two through four to help you set that in place well. Now you're going to tell them exactly what you expect them to do or not do. Also tell them what the consequence will be if they don't meet the expectation. It needs to be something that will matter to them. I'm going to go into greater detail about consequences in our next episode. So, for example, if you want them to only have one hour of screen time after school, tell them that you will set a timer when they start watching or playing on a screen or device. Then say that you will give them a 10-minute and five-minute warning. And then when the timer goes off, they are going to give you the device calmly, and that the two of you will do something together until it's time to get ready for bed. Here is the key. You need to let them know that if they don't give you the device or they start yelling, crying, or doing whatever they normally do in these kinds of situations, they will be grounded from the device for one day. The success of this is all on you. I know that sounds heavy, but you're the grown-up. When the timer goes off and they don't give you the device or they start crying, you cannot give in and let them have five more minutes. Or if you're feeling tired and you don't want to have to play with them, so you give in and you let them keep going. That's not going to work either. Both of those options are going to make it harder on you when you try again to limit the screen time. You're just continuing to train them to throw a fit so they can get their way and that boundaries don't really exist. Once you have successfully gotten them on board with the first thing, do the next thing you want to adjust with the same steps. You can do this. Your child's future depends on it. Keep working on it and you'll find your way to help them be well regulated and cooperative. Well, most of the time. I mean, they they're still kids, right? If you need some input, you can message me at BeTheir Parent on Instagram. And if you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it.