Don’t Take It Personally

We unpack why child disobedience can feel like rejection or disrespect and why both reactions are extreme and wrong. We choose a calm middle ground that keeps boundaries solid and the relationship safe. 
• taking disobedience personally and why it backfires 
• how fear of rejection leads us to back down 
• separating the child from the disobedient action 
If you have any questions or need a sounding board, you can message me on Instagram at BeThereParent. 
If you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it. 

Transcript

Tempo: 120.0

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Hi, I'm Sheila, and I'm here to help you be their parent. I've been thinking about some of the parenting challenges I dealt with when our kids were little, and it got me thinking about some of the things I did that, given the opportunity to do them over, I would definitely do them differently. One of the things I did that I think many parents also have done and currently do is take their child's disobedience personally. In general, I think most parents of my generation would become angry or frustrated because of the disobedience. I think many parents of this current generation take it as a rejection of them as the parent. Now I know there are some parents in each generation that are the opposite, but overall, I think this is how it plays out. Neither reaction is correct and both are too extreme. And I'm saying reaction because it is an emotional reaction instead of a calm response to the disobedience. We need to find a middle ground. We're going to talk about rejection first. When it happens, parents' reactions are usually to back down from the request or rule so they can maintain their relationship with their child. They don't want their child to be mad at them. They often see that if their child is upset with them, the child will no longer love them. And that's just not true. When a parent takes disobedience as rejection of them as a person, they're allowing the emotions of the child to manipulate them as the adult. The child isn't rejecting the parent. They're rejecting the rule or what they're being asked to do. This needs to be handled with firmness and reminders what the expectations are for that rule or request. The child may get angry with the parent in the moment, but the anger will go away and the relationship will remain intact. I promise. Kids want the boundaries and they often push against them to make sure they're still there and that they're safe. When a parent backs down out of fear of rejection, they're removing some of the trust the child has in the boundaries for everything. Now, for the parents who allow anger or frustration to be their reaction, we need to remember that it is the disobedient actions that are wrong. If my kids were still little, this is how out how I would respond now. I would address the action, not the child as a person. Their disobedience is a choice in the moment, and that needs to be addressed so in the future they can make the right choice. But getting frustrated at the child is not the correct response for disobedience. In either scenario, the main thing to remember is that the child is disobeying a rule or a request. They are not disobeying the adult. Their emotions are dysregulated in the moment. They want what they want, and the rules are in the way. As the adult with the fully functioning brain, we need to take a moment. Whatever that looks like for you. Deep breaths, stepping away for a minute, whatever you need. And then you need to calmly state the expectations and the consequences for not following the expectation. Side note, if this is new to you and you often back down, you need to go and listen to episode 7 for more information on how to help your child follow rules and expectations. Alright, back to it. If the child still refuses to meet the expectations, calmly give the consequence. When the child is calm and you also have your emotions in check, have a conversation with your child about how important it is to follow the rules and to obey the requests, or there will continue to be consequences. When we take our own emotions out of the moment of disobedience from our child, we can respond well and maintain a positive relationship with our kid. If we react out of frustration, we hurt our child. If we back down and remove the boundary, we erode their trust in us. Responding firmly but calmly will help them to calm their emotions. You've got this. Parenting isn't for the faint of heart. It is hard work, but so worth it. If you have any questions or need a sounding board, you can message me on Instagram at BeThereParent. I also post reels most days with quick parenting ideas. If you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it.