Planning Ahead for Play Dates

Play dates feel harder now that we don't always know other kids' parents like we did in the past, but we can still make them work with a simple plan and a little courage. We share how we can set play dates up well so our children can build friendships safely. 
• why play dates feel more complicated today and why they are still worth it 
• questions we ask our child at home to understand the friendship 
• how we balance compassion with trusting our child’s gut 
• why we prefer hosting first, keeping kids in sight, and skipping screens 
• using a safe phrase for our child and a separate safe phrase for us to end early 
• benefits of play dates for social skills, sharing, and problem solving 
If you have any questions or need a sounding board, you can message me on Instagram at BeThereParent. 
If you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it. 

Transcript

Why Play Dates Feel Harder Now

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hi, I'm Sheila, and I'm here to help you be their parent. When my kids were little, it was real easy to set up play dates because we knew everybody. We knew the parents from our kids' school and church and all their activities, and they knew us. So it was super easy peasy lemon squeezy. But I know in this day and age it is a little more challenging to find families with similar values and or parenting styles. And so if my kids were little, I know that this would be a little bit of a challenge. So I have thought through some things that I would do that if my kids were little, this is what I

Prep Your Kid For The Ask

SPEAKER_00 0:38

would do. First of all, I've said it both here on the podcast and in the reels that I make on Instagram, that we often need to make sure we're preparing our kids ahead of time for things, such as another parent asking if there can be a play date. So let your child know that if that happens, that you are going to talk to them, get information from that parent, and that you're going to make sure your child knows who the other child is that we're talking about. But in that moment, your child needs to be kind and compassionate, even if it's somebody they don't want to have a play date with. And that you're just going to get information and later you guys can talk about it. So in that moment, if a parent approached me and said, Hey, I'd like them to play, I would say, you know what? That's great. Give me your name and number. I need to check my family calendar at home, and then I'll get back to you. That way nothing is set right there in that moment and it doesn't make anything awkward in the moment,

Decide Yes Or No Thoughtfully

SPEAKER_00 1:38

right? So then at home, I would have that conversation with my child. I'd ask them, Do you play with this child at recess? Is it somebody that you want to get to know better? Or, you know, that you already know and you enjoy them? Those kinds of questions. And if your child is like, no way, find out why. You know, because there are some kids out there that they've been labeled by other students as the kid that nobody wants to be friends with. And I don't believe in forcing the issue, but at the same time, it's kind of important that we teach our kids to be compassionate to others. So I'll let you determine that for your kid, but just throwing that out there, that just because your child says no, and that's the reasoning, that might be worth some more exploration. But also trust your kids' gut. If they say no, mom, they're mean to others, they don't listen to the teacher, then I would probably go with them and say, no, thank you, because I don't want them coming into my home and destroying it. And I don't want to go into their space and have awkward time. So that's what I would do with that one. Now, if it is a no, I would just politely let the parent know it's not working out for now, or that's just not gonna work out. Um, the simpler, shorter version you can give, the better it is. I'm just one, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so I'll tend to just make excuse after excuse. I mean, that's not the best way, but I don't want to hurt their feelings. So that's how I would do it.

Host First And Keep Eyes On

SPEAKER_00 3:10

You do you. Um, now, if it is a yes, then you're going to want to set it up in the way that works for you and your kid. If it were me and my comfort level, I would host it in my home. That way I can monitor the toys that are being played with. I would keep screens out of it and just let them be kids. I would keep them in my line of sight and just say, this is the area where everybody is playing today. That way, this child is new to you. This parent is new to you. You want to be able to see how everybody interacts before you let kids go off and play by themselves. That's just a safety precaution. You know, more than likely, everybody is great and they're gonna have a great time. But that first initial time, I would be cautious and make sure everybody is in your line of sight.

Safe Phrases And Clean Exits

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Um, once it does begin, have had this conversation with your kid ahead of time, that there might be something that they notice that makes them feel uncomfortable, and that you guys have a safe phrase that they can say to you, that then you're going to work on winding things down and excusing, you know, make up an appointment that you forgot about and have to leave, whatever it may be, so that you can end it. So that way you are validating your kid and their gut read, but also maintaining, you know, being kind to others, right? Now, also as the parent, you're gonna want a safe phrase to say to your child, we're done, because it might be that the kids are getting along, but maybe you're sensing something with the parent that you just need some distance from to maybe evaluate if this is something that you want to continue on with your child and their child. And then that way your kid knows, oh, mom means business. We're not just gonna, you know, I don't know why she's canceling right now in the middle. No, your child needs to know that if you say that, then they're gonna help you also wind it down, and then you guys can have further conversation about it later when you're alone.

Why Play Dates Matter Plus Pro Tips

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Now, I am not saying all of this because I think that play dates are bad or that most of them are gonna end badly. Not at all. In fact, I think the exact opposite, and I think play dates are great, but I think there's a hesitation in a lot of parents to do a play date because they don't know what to do if something turned awkward or if they all of a sudden had a vibe check, like, oh, this is not working for me. They just don't know what to do in the moment. So if you can think ahead, plan these things out, have those conversations with your kids ahead of time, then you can be more confident in having a play date and letting your kid have that time with another child. And you know what? It could turn into like the very best of friends, right? So this is something worth putting some effort into because play dates are amazing. It gives kids a chance to learn how to get along with others, how to share their own things with another child, and how to solve problems. And quite honestly, just be kids. We need kids to be kids. So consider taking a chance on play dates, find some families to maybe trade and everybody takes a turn. Have multiple friends over at the same time instead of it just being two kids at once. The only caveat to that is if it's girls, it needs to be an even number of girls. Just trust me on this. If there's odd numbers, they always pair up and one kid is left out, and that never works out for anybody. So consider only even numbers if it's girls. Boys, it doesn't really matter, but girls, it does. So take a chance and get out there and help your kids to find some friends. Be the person that sets things up so that it's on your terms, because then you have ownership in it and you also have the ability to pull out of it when you need to. And really let's help our kids to learn how to be good friends to

Where To Reach Me And Support

SPEAKER_00 7:25

others. If you have any questions or need a sounding board, you can message me on Instagram at BeThereParent. If you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it.