We explain why kids shouldn’t carry the full weight of big decisions and why parents still need to make the final call. We show how we guide choices, map trade-offs, and protect the long game.
• why parents can invite input but still decide
• how the prefrontal cortex shapes decision making
• offering a few good options to build independence
• trusting our parental gut when outcomes are uncertain
If you have any questions or need a sounding board, you can message me on Instagram at BeTheirParent. If you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it.
Hi, I'm Sheila and I'm here to help you be their parent. Often when kids are faced with decisions, parents will often let the kids take the lead in making the final choice. While I'm an advocate for allowing kids to have a voice and guiding them along the way to make the final choice, ultimately, parents, we do need to be the one that makes the final final choice, if you will, because we know what's best for our kids. Now,
remember our prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that makes our decisions. It weighs the pros and the cons, and it considers the big picture. Awesome. That's fantastic that we have that. However, that portion of the brain is not fully mature until people are in their mid-20s. That's right, mid-20s. And so allowing like an eight-year-old to determine their own bedtime, not a great plan. Letting your 12-year-old decide whether or not to go on a trip with their best friend for a vacation, not a great plan. We as the parents have the fully functioning brain. Well, most of the time, right?
Um, when they're little, we make the choices for them. And then as they get older, we start allowing them to make a choice by offering a couple of options that they get to choose from. That's helping them to build independence, and that is fantastic. Once they're in their teen years, we can start to have full discussions that go with making a decision and hopefully come to an agreement among all of those that are involved what the final choice should be. However, you are the parent. And even after the discussion, if you're not all on the same page, it is okay for you to make the final choice, even if it goes against what your child wants. Because remember, you have the fully functioning
brain. Okay, for example, say you have a 15-year-old daughter, and she's on a competitive cheer team, and she plays softball. And she's good at both, and she seems to enjoy both of them. But you've noticed recently that softball is where she seems to get really excited and is really enjoying the game and being with her teammates, and that cheering is okay, but there's also been a lot of drama with some of the teammates, and she's just not been as enthusiastic about it. And now she's been invited to move up a level on the competition team. And now she is getting a little more excited because of what this opportunity might be. But she hasn't really thought about all of this. A lot of the girls that are part of the drama are also moving up a level. And by moving up a level, she's gonna have more practices, more travel. She's not gonna be able to play softball anymore. And so you're gonna have to help her to see when we make one choice, sometimes that means we have to say no to another. And, you know, also in a decision like this, money and time is a variable. But for today's conversation, we're just gonna put that aside and we're just gonna look at the things that truly affect the girl versus these outside things.
So, my recommendation if these parents were chatting with me saying, I'm not sure I really want her doing this, but I don't know that I can tell her no, I would say you need to sit down with her and maybe over several days or as much time as you can fit it in before you have to make a final choice and talk to her. Ask her about her motivation. Why would she really want to move up? Does she truly want to compete more? Um, ask about the drama and what she thinks will happen when there's practice and there's more practice and there's more traveling and being in close quarters and what that may bring, or maybe it brings a resolution because they have to get it all out of the way. And then you need to ask about softball. Is she really okay with giving up on a sport she truly enjoys? And helping her to see that there's just not room for that. Um, and then also ask her about how she thinks this might affect school and homework and any other outside activities that she might want to participate in or be a part of, whether it's family things, um, your community things, church things, whatever. Um, just make sure she understands what all she would be giving up by saying yes and what she could maybe keep if she said no. And then after this discussion, leave it to her. Don't expect to make a final decision the first time you talk about it, probably not even the second or third time. Give her some time to really consider it and think about it, and then come back together and really listen to her and her reasons. If she has a really compelling reason that makes sense to you and you really think, yeah, we can make this work, and if she does give up softball, we've got all we can put everything into place, then fine, green light it for her because now you all are on the same page of understanding. But if her reasons for sticking it out are just they're based on emotion and what she thinks or she might miss out on, and it's not really the things that you think would really benefit her, then you may have to have some more conversation to see if you can get her there.
But ultimately, it is your choice on whether to say yes or no based on what you know about the kid and how you will think it will affect her, not just today, but like for the next year, right? And so it is really impossible to predict. And I know everybody wants like this one way to get the absolute best answer. And that's just not possible. But you do need to trust your parental gut, you know your kid and you know how things go. Now, it is up to us to guide them, but for the time being, you need to be their prefrontal cortex, you need to help them list the pros and the cons. You need to ask the questions to help them understand the big picture. You they need you to show them how to make the big decisions. Maybe the answer is just no for now and you revisit it in the future. So teaching them that you can come back around to something is a possibility. And they need you to show them how to make those decisions and that not every opportunity has to be taken. Ultimately, we need to make the choice with their best interest in mind. When you're their parent, it's hard, but your kid is counting on you to make the hard choices whether they ever recognize it or not. Keep putting in the effort, your kids will thank you for it someday.
If you have any questions or need a sounding board, you can message me on Instagram at BeTheirParent. If you found this episode helpful, follow, set up automatic downloads, review, and share. I'd appreciate it.
