What is Happiness?

Welcome class to another episode of Pledge Class. RC is running solo, but its a good one. Enjoy this somewhat coherent rambling about purpose and happiness. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to another episode of Pledge Class, podcast about all things sobriety. Uh my name is RC. And uh welcome back. I do not have my uh co-host Alex with me, and um we were planning to have another episode next week with a new guest, but I figured that in the interim I could uh jump on the mic and you know just uh you know make some new content. So it's been a few weeks, but you know, life moves on. And I wanted to take this opportunity to kind of just um talk through my thoughts on you know sobriety and happiness and um you know what we're really trying to do here, right? I mean, I've stated previously that you know the point of the podcast is to try to help another alcoholic or addict. Um, and that very much is still the goal. You know, if we go forward and you know, we help one person, you know, through this thing, then you know, I consider it a success. And you know, I think that's what motivates us to continue to pursue this thing. Um and you know, so that is kind of like the baseline of like you know everything we try to do. So I think that, you know, kind of building off of what um my my story last week, last podcast, um, you know, I think I talked a lot about uh you know what it is that we're trying to to do in the program, right? We're trying to achieve this level of happiness, this level of sobriety that, you know, was previously like unavailable for us. Um I think that you know when you first get into the rooms, you know, we there is this like sense of like helplessness, right? Um for many years, you know, we all came into the rooms, you know, prior to coming into the rooms, and you know, we we pick up a drink or a drug, and when we first start drinking, uh when we first start using, um it become it's quite fun, you know, it's quite fun, it's quite enjoyable. Um, you know, it's kind of like for me at least, I was able to find a new avenue for sense for a point of pleasure, right? I was finding new sources of pleasure, I was finding new sources of fun, and I used that to um you know kind of cope with life, right? And you know, as as time went on, you know, I I very much became dependent on it. You know, it's like you know, this this source of uh ease and comfort, right? Or the source of you know newfound confidence, right? Like it's like I would drink and I would use because it would ease my anxiety, or I would, you know, be going into a party or social event, and I would drink in order to feel more confident, uh be more likable, um, to be this person who you know would be able to navigate these um these anxious-filled situations, you know, and or like say I would, you know, get some bad news, um, whether it's like from a test or I feel rejected or I'm not getting along with my friends, I would turn to smoking and that would ease my comfort, right? Even times like I felt like I would, you know, want to socialize with others and through like using I could you know better connect with the people around me, you know, and so this was a um you know experience where I felt like drugs and alcohol enhanced my ability to uh live my everyday life. Um, you know, and it and it felt good. It felt good to keep doing, and so I did it. It felt good, you know. Um but it's like you know, you often hear in the rooms that, you know, you know, alcohol will will give and give, and then at a certain point, it slowly starts taking things away. You know, I remember I would I had reached a point where um I grew like I grew incredibly dependent on you know drinking and using. Um you know, it got to the point where I couldn't even um walk around sober because I was just that anxious all the time. Um, but it was it slow it didn't just get there overnight, you know, it was a slow, painful process where I would slowly, you know, rely on these these drugs and alcohol, and you know, I would get a little more anxious, or I would feel a little less confident, um, or I would make a fool of myself. You know, I remember there were many times where I would wake up with like a black eye and then think like, what did I do last night? You know, what happened? Or I would wake up on the floor and just you know, just in this absolute like hungover, miserable state. And it was it was kind of like, you know, this isn't really just fun, you know, this is like causing me a lot of problems. Um I even got very depressive at certain points and tried to quit. And then uh, you know, it always led back to it, right? I always I always always led back to uh picking up again. And so, you know, the the point I'm trying to make is that you know, we went to drugs and alcohol for this sense of ease, um, for the sense of of enjoyment, um, for the sort of like ease and comfort that we weren't getting anywhere else, you know. It was like whenever I put a drink to my mouth, it was like a wave of um ease would just come over me. It was like, you know, this the sensation that like, oh, I'm okay now, like everything's okay now. Um and so we were really trying to uh you know chase something that would make us feel okay or make us feel good um and help us cope with life, you know. I asked uh a friend of mine a a while ago, I asked him, like, what what do you think that we were we were chasing? You know, what were we chasing when uh we were drinking and using? And he used the word bliss. And I loved that word because you know it's not just a sense of pleasure that we're chasing, we're also chasing that that sense of um that ease, right? That that uh like the worries would just go away, right? Like our worries when when we're high, we don't have to worry about anything, you know, when we're drunk, we don't have to worry about feeling self-conscious. Um and so, you know, we relied on that, and then eventually it gets taken away from us when the drink and the drug, you know, slowly starts to ruin our lives. Um and then our solution to all these problems, you know, they they stop working. Um, you know, it's like the these drugs and alcohol, like they worked for a time, and we got much use out of them for a time. Um, but then slowly they s they turn into this sort of um stranglehold in our lives, and they turn they end up um you know, caging us into these self self-mailed, self-made jail cells where we no longer feel free, that like we no longer feel like we can uh escape from because we're so dependent on it to um try to just live our lives to try to survive. Um, one one uh I've heard once where it was it's kind of like alcoholism, right? It's like, you know, it's it's almost like us who are alcoholics, it's like we almost have this maladaptive um sense of like abil of like this lack of ability, this maladaptive sense of like not being able to um cope with life, right? It's like you know, normal people, you know, they go through life and you know they they may drink a little or that they may smoke a little, but they really just um work through their issues, right? They they process their emotions, they you know, may do some prayer, they may talk to others, you know, but ultimately like they work through their problems, you know. For us alcoholics, you know, we didn't do that for the most part. We just drunk and used, um, you know, drunk our sorrows away until we couldn't feel anymore, you know, and it's like that's the first thing that you hear when you get back into the rooms is you know, good thing, you know, good news, you got your feelings back, bad news, you got your feelings back. You know, it's like these uh these feelings, you know, we we almost lived in like a state of darkness where um for me at least, it's like when I first got sober, it was like all of the things that I did um that I felt were bad like came flooding back to me. And I had this overwhelming sense of like remorse and shame um that that was just so challenging for me to try to um grapple with because it was just like I would just walk around and I would just feel terrible. I would just feel terrible with all these things that I'd done. And you know, and I and I had to work through that, you know. Thankfully, the uh the steps were you know a significant um you know benefit for me because you know, by working through the steps, um, you know, we kind of, you know, the the saying is like, you know, you clean up your side of the street, and um, you know, you're able to rectify those uh past wrongs uh through the amends and through the inventory, but the um but you know, like it's still like real, like those feelings are very real and we have to work through them. And so, you know, we had this crippling reliance upon drugs and alcohol. And so when we come into the rooms, you know, the the purpose of the rooms is to show us, you know, a different solution, right? A new solution. Um and you know, that comes in the form of the steps of conscious contact with our higher power, of service work, you know, connecting with other alcoholics, helping other alcoholics, right? It's like, you know, through this connection, these connections that we build with each other and through our connection with our higher power, you know, we find a new solution that that works, right? And you know, to uh to tie it in with the whole happiness thing, right? It's like, you know, I think that I I think that like when we were trying to chase alcohol and drugs, you know, we were really um trying to search for a um sort of fallen or sort of um what would be the right term? A sort of different a different sense of of God, right? A different uh essence of God, right? Where it's like um, you know, we were trying to search for the symptoms of closeness with God. We were trying to search for the effects of closeness with God, you know, the sense of like courage, the sense of like um ease and peace, um of of of wisdom, you know, like I remember I would get high and then I would just be like, oh, I have all these like insightful thoughts and you know, like well, I never thought of these things this way. And it's just like and it's just like no, like, like I and it's like and it's like every time I did that, I wouldn't even remember what I thought because you know I'm freaking high. Um and it was like, you know, but to me it was like so profound, you know. Um it's just funny. Uh, but like, you know, now, you know, now that I'm sober, it's like, you know, and I've been exposed to this program, you know, I I've realized that these effects, right, these effects of drinking and and drugging, you know, they really are available to me today. Um, it's just a matter of like, am I willing to work for them? And, you know, I think that, you know, if we all came into the rooms and we didn't have this solution, you know, we would just all end up going back into drinking and using again because um, you know, because we wouldn't have an alternative to our drinking and using. Like we needed to find something to be able to give us what we were trying to seek all along, right? And so I think that what we were really seeking was was happiness, right? We we believe like that, I think that's like the driving force for um most, if not all, people, right? Like we just all want to pursue our own ways to find happiness, right? And you know, I just think that because we are alcoholics and addicts, you know, we had this false sense of like where that was, like where that is or how to achieve it. And you know, so when we when we start working the steps and we establish contact, uh conscious contact with our higher power, we now get exposed to this new um this new sort of avenue for um to for this finding of happiness. And you know, I talked about it a bit in my in the last app episode, but I think the idea is that you know we all have this sort of um God-shaped hole inside of us, right? Where it's like, you know, we can try to fill this this hole, this sense of sort of emptiness. I remember I remember uh when I was in um when I was in uh treatment, I had this uh I am kind of embarrassed to admit it, I had this uh um what do you call it, like a treatment romance, like a like a the sort of like you know, a hookup thing in treatment and uh rehab romance, that's what it's called. And you know, those are very frowned upon. And I remember it got like it ended up blowing up, and I ended up getting scolded by the uh therapists there. And it was very hard, it was very difficult because you know the the women all hated me, you know, and I um, you know, and I felt very remorseful and it just made everything very awkward. Um I couldn't wait to leave treatment, but um, you know, like I remember like when I was confronted by my therapist, you know, I and I and I finally admitted to to my wrongs and I and I owned up to it and I expressed remorse. Um I this like feeling overcame me and I could feel this like pit like in my in my chest, right? It was like this this this deep like cavernous hole inside of me. And it was just like it was so prominent to me, and I was just I just felt so empty. You know, I just felt so empty. And and you know, and it was like and it was like the the one time that I felt like I I had like I could feel it, like this emptiness inside of me. And so I do like sincerely believe that like I think you know God is our creator, you know, he made us in uh in such a way that you know we have this yearning for him, right? We have this need that can only be satisfied by him. And so when we were pursuing um you know, drugs and alcohol, we were trying to fit drugs and alcohol into this God-shaped whole. You know, other people, you know, they may use money, they may use women, you know, they may use, you know, any sort of um uh you know, you know, material thing, whether it be like prestige, you know, societal status, you know, any anything like that can um they believe you know they can chase and and find happiness in. Like, you know, our society is full of people who are chasing these things thinking it'll make them happy. Um But when we um what we realized, you know, that the rooms have taught us is that um you know this hole cannot be filled by material things alone. Um it's like this uh it's like they just don't fit or they're not they're not sufficient enough to satisfy um our our our need. And so um what we find is that when we you know work the program and establish a conscious contact with God and have a spiritual experience, we become filled, or at least partially filled, right, with the grace of God. Um it's only through his closeness with us, his um his work within us that we actually feel fulfilled, that we actually feel start to feel whole. And uh but but I don't think that it's like a one and done thing. Of course, like you know, you go through the steps, you have the spiritual experience, you have the uh the the chest obsession to drink removed, right? Um, you know, contingent on the maintenance of our daily maintenance of our spiritual condition. But it's like this um this obsession to drink, even though it's removed, it does not necessarily mean that our um our holes in our hearts are filled, right? Um, you know, we could stop drink, we could um not have the obsession to drink, but still feel empty inside, right? But it's only a matter of time if we do not continue to work our program before that emptiness um, you know, overtakes us and we feel an overwhelming sense of need to find uh relief, right? And so it's just a matter of like, you know, are am I like continuing to work my program every day to ensure that I'm actually like happy? Like because that that really is what it comes down to, right? It's like if I'm unhappy, if I'm going through my life with like with so much stress and so much worry and so much anxiety, and and I'm not getting you know a sense of like ease, or I'm not getting a sense of like belonging or a sense of um enjoyment out of life, then it's like what's the point? Like, what is the point of continuing to live my life sober if I'm miserable the whole time? Right? And so it's like I need to be in commute community with others, I need to pray and and be closer with my higher power. Because if I don't, if I don't engage in those, if I don't um if I don't achieve those things, then I'm going to be miserable. I'm going to be absolutely miserable, and I'm not going to stay sober much longer. And so it really is just a matter of like maintaining my degree of happiness um so that I don't feel like I need to resort to something else, right? And so I guess what what I'm getting at is that, you know, this this so sort of happiness is is not achievable without um the uh essence of God, right, uh factored in into our our daily lives, right? Like I need God, you know, every day, you know, and it's like when I do God's will, right, when I when I don't listen to my self-will, my selfishness, and actually go out, whether it's um, you know, going to a meeting, or whether it's calling another alcoholic, or whether it's going to like volunteer, um, you know, go going to events that I don't want to go to, you know, going to work that I don't want to go to. You know, it's like it's like these are things that like I don't want to do. You know, it's like I um I've often said like my base, my default in life is just like when I wake up, I want to just lay in my bed. Um, eat pizza and like play video games. That's all I want to do. That's what my base self, my selfish self wants to do. And I think that that would be amazing, you know. Um, you know, prior to drinking, uh prior to getting sober, I would also throw in like uh, you know, some some drugs or alcohol. But um that is just like what my body and my mind tells me that I want today. But I get up, you know, and I go to work, I go to meetings, I talk to others, you know, I clean up my my apartment, you know, and it's like and it's like I do all these things not because I want to do them, but because I don't want to do them. Because it's the things that I don't want to do are the things that are what God wants me to do. And when I do the things that God wants me to do, I in turn benefit from that. Like I feel like, oh man, this was a this was a good productive day. You know, I feel good today, you know, because I got a lot of things done, or I helped a person, or I connected with somebody, you know, and it's like by doing these things that I don't want to do, I'm actually um working on my spiritual condition. Like I'm growing closer to God and I'm growing closer to my um to the people around me. And so it's like by doing that, I actually am filling that hole inside me. I'm finding a little bit of happiness, you know, in my daily living. Um, but it's a it's a it's a hard thing to balance because, you know, oftentimes, like, you know, we often, you know, give too much of ourselves, you know, and we we uh we feel like, you know, I remember I had one time where it was like I was vol I was like going to meetings almost every day, and I would do volunteer work on the weekends, and then I'd be working throughout the day, and you know, I'd be going to church and doing all these different things. And you know, I just felt like I was expended, like I was just fully expended. Like I I was getting the benefits of of being active, but yet I was just so um tired, you know, and I and I felt like I needed rest. And this is a common thing, and I think I think it's a common thing for alcoholics, you know, uh all around because you know, I've often shared that in meetings where it's like, man, like I just don't, like I need to rest. And I've had people, you know, tell me, like, yeah, I relate, I relate to that, you know, and so I think it's a matter of um trying to find a balance. You know, I hate that word. I hate the word balance because it's just like I live in extremes, like I can only go 100 or zero. Like if I'm gonna do something, it has to be perfect and I have to be thorough and do everything I can. Um, or I'm not gonna do it at all, you know. And then I just get this feel of uh like this this feeling of nihilism, and it's just like nothing's it's not worth it. Like I'm not gonna do it. Um but the uh but it's it's just it's a matter of like trying to find balance, right? Even though I don't like it. It's like it's like, do I need to go out and like and go to meetings? Yes. Do I need to go out and do work? Yes, but I also need to find time to rest. And I also need to find time to to enjoy the things that I enjoy, you know, and like trying to find that sweet spot where I feel like I'm productive enough, but not feel like I'm like burning myself out. And you know, it's hard to find that, mainly because my uh my body and mind resist it. Like a common um feeling I have is like when I let when I sit around relaxing for a day, like I I feel guilty about it, you know. Um but uh I I don't want to just like rant about my issues, right? Like the the the thing is that you know, I think that when it comes to this happiness idea, it's like trying to find the right sort of um daily routine, weekly routine to where we're practicing the principles of the program, right? We are doing the things that we should be doing, but also maintaining a degree of self-awareness and um you know, being self-aware enough to be able to recognize like what I need at any given time. And if it means that like after work, I you know, I feel I feel like I really need to rest, then you know, maybe I won't go to a meeting and just be able to um you know stay around the apartment and do some things here. Um you know, but I think that you know that is just one aspect of it, right? Like I think the other aspect is like being on this sort of posture where I'm I'm constantly or um much you know, most of the time I'm searching for um a sort of conscious contact with God, right? Like seeking God. And you know, I think you can seek God, you know, in many ways, but I do think it's like an essential element of like trying to find happiness, right? Where it's like, you know, when we seek God, you know, when whether it's through his like feeling of his presence, like I think everyone, almost everyone in the rooms who have had a spiritual experience, um, you know, they've had this sort of experience where um they can feel the presence of God, you know, with them, right? It's like I'm able to like sense it. Like I can I can recognize it's not really like a visual or a sensory thing, but I can just sense that you know he's with us, you know. Um and you know, when I'm aware of his presence, then it's like I can have this sort of conscious contact with him to where I recognize that he's with me and a sense of like peace and ease comes over me, you know. And I think that, you know, when it comes to prayer, um, like for me at least, like I like to just pray like just like I'm talking to God, right? Like I'm talking to God. And you know, I gr I grew up in a in a Catholic church, in the Catholic Church, and you know, I still am Catholic today, but um, you know, all of it, a lot of it is just very um formalized prayers, right? It's like you have the Our Father, you have the Hail Mary, you know, all these different sorts of uh, you know, scripted prayers, and you know, I think they're useful as like, you know, references for like what we are to pray for, but I think that um when it comes to my personal relationship with God, I need to just when I pray, I just talk, you know, and I'm just I just think I just express gratitude. I um I I talk through my problems, you know, and it's like and and I and I wish and I yearn to better understand him, to better understand, you know, you know, why you know we live in the world that we live in. You know, what is the purpose of his creation? What is the purpose? Like, what is my purpose? You know, why like did he put me where I am? You know, where why did he give me the job that I have? You know, what is it that he wants me to achieve? And you know, and then I ponder these things and I um you know and I pray to him about it, you know, and then and then when it comes to like life decisions, like like if I like like do I take this job, you know, do I do I ask out this girl? Do I do I go like is this girl good for me? You know, or do I um do I move to a different city? You know, it's like it's like do what do I do? You know, and I had this uh I had this one sponsor who um I've had many sponsors, but I had this one sponsor who said that uh, you know, I make decisions and the decisions I make are what God's will is for me. Maybe I'm uh maybe I'm straw manning his what he said, but um it was along those lines where it was like um it was like, yeah, like I'll pray about it and you know, and I'll and I'll and I'll really think about you know what the right decision is and I'll and I'll weigh the pros and cons. And whatever decision I make, you know, I I believe that's what God would want me to do. It's his will is for me. And I'm like, okay, um I disagree. I think that um I think that the uh there is a a sort of choices that we make, right, that either fall within God's will or falls within self-will, you know, and so when it comes down to um making our decisions, right, it's like it's like do I really think that it's like if I'm considering like sleeping with like a a having like a one-night stand with somebody, and I think like, okay, is this God's will or is this my will? And I I decide, you know, weighing the options, I decide to go and do that and sleep with this person, and I can be like, oh well, I I um, you know, that's God's will because I chose it, you know, and it's like like no, like no, like I like like I don't believe that God wants us to have one night stance. Like I just don't. Um, you know, that's just the sort of personal conviction and belief system that I have. And so if I were to go out and just to sleep with somebody and be like, oh, that's God's will, then I think that's um, you know, terribly conceited. Like I think that God gives us direction and gives us uh choices all the time in life, but it's up to us to try to discern what it is that he wants us to do. And, you know, it's not doesn't fall solely or squarely upon my shoulders to figure that out. Right? I think that, you know, when we have these difficult decisions to make, um, you know, we can call another alcoholic, we can talk to any spiritual advisor. Um, I have a therapist, so I'll I'll also talk to my therapist or my sponsor, um, and I'll pray about it. You know, I'll pray about it. I may share in a meeting and talk to others in a meeting. Um, and so, and and then through this process of prayer and communication, um, I'm able to come to a conviction as to what is God's will. And do I have 100% absolute certainty at all times? No. But um there's few to nothing that I have a hundred percent certainty in. And so there's very few things. And so I can go forward and and make decisions based on this methodology because I have faith that this is what um, you know, this is what God is telling me. Um and you know, I've had times where I think that God does directly tell me, or at least he gives me a feeling as to what sort of decision he wants me to make, right? And it's just a matter of like, well, is that God or is that ego? Um, you know, it's hard to figure out because you know the ego is very manipulative. Um, but you know, I think that by this searching of you know, this discernment, you know, we can come to a conclusion with you know relatively good certainty. Um and so I think that like, you know, this is a sort of process that like we as alcoholics or addicts, you know, in the program, you know, with a conscious contact, that we need to go through. Like we need to go through this sort of process of trying to live, it's like trying to live in a partnership with God, right? It's like it's like I am no longer living by myself. Like I'm no longer making the decisions in my life, right? Like I have tried that. I tried living by myself and making the decisions for myself, and it just led to ruin every single time. You know, I was a pitiful and like just total like mess of a person who has no idea what he's doing. And then I came into the program and now I have a sort of confidence and sort of um good life that I have. You know, I I have a good life that I can be proud of. And so I can um but I like recognize that like this isn't me. Like I just followed the guidance of those before me. I followed the guidance of the people in my sober network, of my sponsor. Um, and then I eventually established a conscious contact with God, and now I try to follow the got the guidance of God. And not to say, and you know, I still listen to those, you know, who have um a sport a sort of spiritual um you know status that that I that I respect and I and I think they have a good program. Like I'll listen to them. Um, but it's like really it's like I think that God is irreplaceable and that you know he's the one who's guiding me. You know, you know, man only is is infallible, you know, it's not is is not infallible, right? Man is not infallible, but God is. And so, you know, really I'm just placing my reliance upon him to guide me in each, you know, each and every day. And so I really am just trying to get at like, okay, like so, you know, we have this hole in our hearts. We get into the program and we connect with God, right? And and God fills that hole to a degree. And so we move on, we move forward after working the steps with trying to live in his will each and every day. And so when we do that, when we have this, when we have this sort of um, you know, process where um I'm trying to follow God, I'm trying to do my best every day to move a little bit closer to him, to get a little bit better, you know. A common thing was like, I just need to get 1% better each and every day, you know, and then if I just work on that one percent, you know, it'll stack. It'll stack, it'll, and then it'll keep compounding over time. And so, you know, while we do, you know, slide backwards, um, while we do slide backwards and we make mistakes and we we follow our self-will, we always have to make sure to get back on the wagon. We always have to make sure to try to reorient ourselves towards God. And, you know, because it's inevitable, like we are gonna mess up and we are gonna give in to selfishness. Um, it's just a matter of like trying to progress towards the sense of like true happiness, right? And it's like I think that happiness is not merely like I I used to like believe that like there was there's no way to achieve happiness. Like when I was in treatment, I would say, like, happiness like is impossible. There's no way you can be happy all the time. You know, maybe you could be reach a s a feeling of contentment, like maybe you could find contentment um as a as a base stat uh like feeling in your life, um, where you always feel like you're you're good with life, but you could never really achieve happiness. And I have since changed my mind about this because um I think that happiness is really just a a point of being in a pr point of being in a spiritually uplifted status that um is that uh is recognized or is uh described as a closeness with God, right? It's like if I am walking hand in hand with God, if my will is in fully in alignment with his, and I move forward every day, like walking hand in hand with him, step by step with him, then I am in a state of true happiness, right? It's only when I deviate from that path that I find unhappiness, that that I feel restlessness, discontentedness, you know, and and I and I f you know agitation. You know, these feelings of inadequacy, these feelings of worry and fear, you know, they only come when I'm outside of the presence of God. When I'm in the presence of God, then I can feel the sense of ease and comfort, the sense of confidence that comes when I am truly happy. And so I think that it really is achievable. Like I do believe happiness is achievable. And that's not to say that there isn't going to be hardship or that there isn't going to be loss, there isn't going to be rejection, there isn't going to be trials and tribulations. But I do believe that despite you know the hardship that life throws at us, despite the difficult things we have to endure in this life, like we still have to, um, we still can navigate it when we are in God's will. And we can even find peace and purpose if we're in God's will while experiencing these things, right? And so it's really like, you know, they they say progress, not perfection, progress, not perfection. And and I get it, like, you know, it's like it's like I don't have to be perfect today, you know, and it's like, you know, it kind of eases the burden of like trying to be perfect because we a lot of us are perfectionists, and you know, we want to and and and we often guilt ourselves because we fall short in so many ways. And so when we say progress, not perfection, it sort of eases that sense of shame and guilt. But I I believe I'm I'm a uh I I prescribe to the idea of progress towards perfection, right? This is what Bill wrote in the 12 and 12, um, where he um elevated the bar, right? Where he said that, you know, it's really a matter of being willing enough to move towards a perfect sense, the perfect idea of what is God, right? And so um I uh will will take that and I and I think, okay, well, what am I working towards? Like, am I just working towards to being just like okay or just a little bit better? Like, but it's like why? Like, like, like I need a goal, like I need to be able to look forward and see what I want to achieve and actually use that as motivation to get me to move forward, right? And so when I have this goal, this idea of like this true happiness, right, in my life. I need to be able to see that and see and look down, like see that in the distance, look down into my feet where my feet are, and be able to see how far I am from that goal. Like, and and you know, early on, you know, in my sobriety, I would be like, Well, that's impossible. Like, I'm never gonna get there. Like, I I and then I would just fix it, I would fixate on like my inadequacies and I would fixate on where I was, and it would just cause me so much worry. I remember someone told me, he said, you know, and this really resonated with me. Um, he told me that um, you know, when you're fixated, when you're looking down at your feet all the time, and you're you're looking at your progress and your sobriety, you know, you tend to, you know, you tend to obsess over like, you know, where you are and you know, you tend to fall into worry because you know you feel like the goal is so far away. Um but if you focus on just doing the next right thing, if if you just focus on like you know, living your life properly and and you know, you know, following the program, working the steps, all of these things, and you just and you just keep moving forward, all of a sudden time will pass, you know, months will pass, and then you'll look down and you'll see, oh, I'm further ahead in this path. I'm further ahead than where I was, you know, several months ago or years ago. And now I'm a bit closer. I can now look at my feet and I can look up and I can say, oh, I'm a little closer now to my goal. And so I think that, you know, like I have, you know, experienced progress, you know, but I still am a very long ways away, you know, from from uh from um a true sense of like partnership with God, right? Where I'm I I feel like I'm like walking beside him, right? Like I'm I feel like I'm very still very far away from that. But I'm still very much um further along than when I first started this journey, right? And and while I'm not there, like at this ultimate happiness, right, this ultimate goal of happiness, um, I still find enjoyment and contentment and peace in this journey, right? Because happiness is a sense of like belonging, it's a sense of being in the presence of God. And I've had many times, you know, where I feel like I'm in the presence of God. And, you know, and I can experience it like every day, pretty much. You know, it just really falls down to my open mindedness and my willingness and my sense of. Um conscientiousness with where I am. You know, and so I, you know, have been able to find degrees of happiness, you know, oftentimes, like, you know, I think I think a big one is like step work. You know, when I'm walking another uh another man through the steps, you know, I feel like I am, you know, in it, right? And it ties into this sort of idea of being a vessel, right? Um, and I talked about it, you know, last podcast, but you know, when I um open myself up for God, right? Like when I get out of my way, when I shed my ego, sorry, my my dog is uh making noises. Um anyway, when I when I um sorry about that. So my dog can just act up sometimes, but when I have this sort of um, where was I going? When I have this sort of, when I act like a vessel by getting out of my way, by shedding my ego, by getting rid of my selfish desires, right? And I'm you and I'm solely in a state of being used by God, right? It's like I like to think of it, um, you know, I I I've I'm reading some of C.S. Lewis, and he says that like, you know, we are like a living organism of God, right? Where um God is sort of like we're sort of like his his hands and his feet, you know, in this world, right? Where um he is using us, right? Like he's using us as vessels to enact his will upon the world, right? Where he he's literally channeling himself into our bodies. And when we go out and we try to help another alcoholic or help whoever out, you know, whether it's through our words or our actions, it is him. He is the one who is directly helping that person or that situation. And so that I think is like the greatest purpose that a person can have. Like, like, like think of it. Like, I'm no longer moving throughout my daily life for my own selfish ends or via my own self-will. I'm now going through my life as a tool for God to better the world so that He can um so He can create the change that He wishes to see through me, right? Like it's through myself. And it's like that, like that is the I think the greatest sort of purpose, like use of us that we can have, right? Because it's like it's like it's like God uses us, he chose us to use us in order to to help others and to change to change the world for his own purposes, for his glory, right? And it's like and it's like I get to be used that way. I get to be used in a way to now like to where he is now working through me, you know, and I think that I think that once I get fully out of my way, once I get fully, you know, open myself up fully to where he I'm just constantly an instrument of his will, then I'm in a state of pure and absolute happiness, right? Because I no longer am living for myself, I'm no longer worrying about the things that I'm worrying about, I'm no longer trying to pursue my own selfish ends. Because now I'm being used as an instrument for God that that can be that's used for a greater and holy purpose, right? Like, like what is like this this sort of idea of a vessel, like it sort of um it shows me that like you know, this is what we're this is what God made us for. You know, God made us to become this sort of uh instrument for him to to bring himself glory and to help others, right? And so it's just a matter of like, you know, uh and it's like and it's like from from my experiences, right? Like when I feel like I'm being used in God's will, like for God's will, it's like it's like I've never felt a better sense of contentment. I've never felt a better sense of belonging and happiness, like like worry, like I know worry. And it was like, it's like it's like this is it. Like this is what we need to be striving for. Because when I'm being used in this manner, then I'm able to recognize like I recognize that this, like, this is the reason for it all. Like this is this is why God created me, was so that He can use me in this way. Um and so I like Yeah, I I feel like I keep repeating myself just in the same like same thing, like just in different ways. Um, I I tend to do that, but but but I think it's not a bad method because sometimes, you know, one way of saying things can click with others, um with some people over others, but um it's kind of like you know, like, and and so when we shed of ourselves, right, when we get rid of everything that like I feel like I'm proud of, right? That's mine, that's that's you know, important to me, right? I I f I uh I you know we find this sort of usefulness that that's not available before. I remember I um I I watched this one movie called Um It's a Wonderful Life. I love that movie. It's so good. But the main character, I forgot his name, but the main character, you know, he had all these dreams of like, you know, he's gonna travel the world, um, he was gonna like build skyscrapers or bridges or whatever. And you know, he had these like, you know, these dreams, right? These dreams of um of of of the the things that he wanted to achieve and do. But he ended up like staying home of like out of one circumstance or another, whether it was a father got sick or a brother went to war, um or or the the town like went through was going through like a uh like an economic crash. And so one thing after another, he kept trying to leave this town and he just couldn't. And so I see that, and I and you know, it's a very it's a very spiritual movie, but it's like you know, it's kind of like you know, I think God is telling us, you know, yes, you have these desires. And I do think God will fulfill our desires when it's according to his purpose, according to his will. But like we must be willing to sacrifice our desires. We must be willing to put our wants and our needs, you know, at the altar, right? We need to put it before him and at and and be willing to give it to him. We will be willing to surrender, you know, all of these things that are ours to him. And only then will he in turn give back what he believes would be good for us. And so, you know, we may be, we may give all these things to him and he may give them back, but he also might not. And so we have to recognize like that's okay, you know, because ultimately, like, he knows what's best for us, he knows what what is good. And if something is not good for me, then he needs to keep it. Even though my ego screams out, and even though my self-will still screams out, saying, like, no, this is mine, I want it, I deserve it. Like, I need to recognize if I hold on to those things, then it's only gonna lead to unhappiness and ruin. And so when I go before um God and I and I and I turn these over to him, you know, all these wants, all these goals, like I need to be willing to fully give them to him and rely upon him and trust in him so that to the point where he I know that he will take care of me and he will have me do what he wants me to do, and I will accept it and recognize that like this is what his purpose is for me. This is what his will is for me. And if I follow it, like not begrudgingly, not reluctantly, then I can find a sort of true sense of happiness and fulfillment that would be not available to me if I don't, right? And so it's really a matter of like, you know, trying to turn this the slow and painful, it's very painful, this sort of process of just giving more and more of myself to God, right? Where I'm slowly trying to, you know, not be not be in a state, a a state of being where I'm just trying to live for myself, for my purposes, for the life that I want to have. And I'm slowly turning that over to God, where he is the decider, he is the author, and he is the great um orchestrator of my life, of all of creation. And so I can put that in his hands, and when he when I do that, I I give up, I release all of the you know the the the stranglehold, I release the stranglehold that I have on these material things, on my life, on you know the what I want to see. And by doing so, by releasing that, I find freedom. Like I find true freedom from my circumstances. I find true freedom from you know results and things that happen to this world, right? Like if something doesn't go my way and I've truly turned it over to him, then I can I can experience that with true acceptance. I can experience that with actual gratitude because I know that God has um has a plan and I know that it's for the good. You know, even if things don't go directly my way, I can recognize that it's okay. And in fact, it's good because that's what God wanted it to go. That's how God wanted it to go. Even though I can't see the big picture in all things, I have faith and I have trust in Him that it is for my good, that it is good for me. And oftentimes I can feel that sense of goodness and purposefulness inside of me, and I can find gratitude for it, right? And so, you know, it's just like um, you know, it's hard to put that idea into practical terms, right? This is all as a lot of this is very conceptual. Um, but I think that the um like it's just a matter of like prayer, it's a matter of intent and motive, right? Like I know inside of me, like if I want something really bad, like I can feel that. Like I can feel that inside of me when I want something to go my way, right? But it's like if I refuse to turn these things over, like if I refuse, like if I really wanted a promotion, or I really wanted a certain job, or I really wanted to be with some significant other, like I can feel that inside me. But if I if I don't turn that over to God and it doesn't go my way, then it's just I'm going to be miserable and I'm gonna be in a state of absolute like like like misery and and just like be totally destroyed. You know, but if I and and then I have to bear the consequences of holding on to those things. But if I had turned it over to God and it didn't go my way, then I don't have to suffer those things. Like I don't have to suffer to that same level. Like there may be still some pain. Like there's always pain of rejection, there's always pain of loss. But if I turn those things over to God, then I only have to experience that pain. I don't have to further suffer. You know, someone told me is that, you know, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional, right? And so if I truly turn these things over to God, um, then I don't have to suffer. And, you know, even and even if the things go my way, the things that I've been holding on to, even if they go my way, it's only gonna feed my ego. It's only going to feed my pride, which will set me up for even further fall in the future. And so really it's just a matter of like, no matter how it goes, turning it over to God is the right decision. And so when I need to what I what I try to do, and I I I hope I encourage others to do, is that just try to work on that, right? Like try to work on um slowly turning, giving myself, turning myself over to God, and um, and and then I get to s receive the rewards of that. But it's like it's hard, you know, it's incredibly hard because you know, we're flawed, we're prideful, we're ego, we're we're egotistical people. And so, you know, oftentimes I think life is the um what teaches us our our greatest lessons, you know. It's like I could refuse to turn something over, and then I have to suffer for it, and in that suffering, I can learn, like I can learn from that lesson and become more willing, and become more willing to turn it over the next time. So it's just like a gradual process where if I'm not willing to do it myself, then life will make me willing, you know, and so you know, and and but like of course, ideally, we you know, we shouldn't be just making mistakes, you know, throughout our life just to bear the consequences of those those mistakes. Like it would be best to be prudent and um you know try to proactively you know make right the right decisions with and and avoid mistakes, right? But um, you know, I I I guess um you know to to try to like tie this all up in a neat little bow, you know, I think that you know this this process of this this the search of happiness, right? The search for happiness, right, it really it comes down to um God's will, right? It's like what is God's will? And am I following God's will, right? And so, you know, in order to do that effectively, I need to be willing to sacrifice my self-will and bring my thoughts and my actions into alignment with God's will. And by doing so, I can find that true sense of happiness, right? And it's and it's an ongoing process, you know, we get a little better every day. But it's like if I really want that, like is that if that's something that I really want, you know, the sort of freedom, the sort of sense of like, you know, confidence in every situation, the sort of peace despite, you know, tumultuous, you know, circumstances, you know, and I and I don't like who doesn't want that? Like who doesn't want, like, who wants to just like stay sober and just like do whatever they want? You know, like I want freedom. I want happiness. And and so I want that more than anything in my life. And so it's like, it's like, it's like, who, like, I would just I don't really get why someone wouldn't want that. And so it's just a matter of like, you know, getting up every day and trying to like lay myself at God's feet and and asking him, what does he want from me today? What do you want me how how what do you want me to do today? How would you want me to do all of these things today? And truly putting faith and trust in him and recognizing that like he has like my life is in his hands, it's not in my hands anymore, it's in his hands, and and how can I serve him today, right? That is the idea, and and like again, I'm not perfect, no one's perfect at it, you know. I I work on it a little bit every day, I have better days than other days, but it's like I have to be willing to make that effort every day, I have to be willing to, you know, move closer to him, at least a little bit every day. And only by doing so that we it's only by doing that that we actually find like happiness in this life. That we actually achieve a degree of like, you know, uh a degree of belonging and purpose and and fulfillment, right? It's like I don't want to wander through my life without that. I don't want to wander through my life without God. Like I I lived that. I lived that life and it it was it was total and absolute misery. And so, and so I have to move forward, right? I have to move forward with him because if I don't, then I just it's just going to lead to my death, right? Like I'm going to pick up again, I'm going to drink again, and I will kill myself. Like I literally will kill myself. And so if the uh if if I don't want that, and I actually and I actually truly want this sort of happiness that is achievable, then I need to be with him. And so, yeah, sorry, I like I freaking ranted uh for a while. But I hope you guys enjoyed. Like I said at the at the top, um, you know, we will have a guest over it uh next week, hopefully. Uh God willing. And um, you know, it'll be a good one. I'll have my boy back, Alex back, and um be a good time. But until then, uh catch y'all next time. Bye bye.