What is My Purpose?

We got another episode for you. RC is back to deliver is his perspective on God's will for us and his purpose for us. Enjoy this thoughtful rambling.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Pledge Class, a podcast about all things sobriety. My name is RC, and I'm an alcoholic. Today I'm uh running solo again. Uh my co-host Alex will not be joining me, unfortunately, but you know. Uh I think I'll be alright. I think I can cope with that uh with his absence. Um We will not be doing an episode next week. Gonna be out of town. So I thought, hey, might as well get on the mic and talk some more. So um what I'm looking to do today is kind of build off the um not the last episode, but the last episode that I uh went spoke solo on the pod, you know, where I talked about, you know, happiness, uh, what that entails, how to achieve it, you know, all that good stuff. Um, if you missed that episode, uh please go back and uh try to listen to it. It's called What is Happiness? Um I think it was pretty decently put together, not to pat myself on the back, but anyway, um essentially what it boiled down to, you know, this idea of happiness, this idea of freedom. Um it's achievable. Um the room showed me how to achieve it, and it really boils down to uh following God's will and all that I do, right? The more I follow God's will, the more I'm in tune with his will, uh, the more free and the more happy I will be. And I talked about this a little bit, like the idea of discerning God's will, but I really want to dive into that specifically to kind of flesh it out, because you know, this is a common question, right? This is a common issue that people have when it comes to discerning, you know, figuring out like what God's will is. Like, what does he want me to do? You know? Um, it's a common issue for a lot of newcomers and even people who have uh quite a few years, you know. This is a you know, this is something that you know people struggle with all the time. Um and so I'm not going to I'm gonna try not to repeat what I said last time, but what I will say is that I think that God's will can be categorized uh into two distinct categories, right? So it's like I think there is the like what his will is when it comes to our moral decisions, like what is what is morally right and what is morally wrong, and then a different category is kind of in that gray area where it isn't it isn't really a matter of moral decision making, it's really a matter of uh what sort of decision should I make in my life, right? And so um I'm going to tackle that first category first. Um and I do want to say this before I really dive in. I do want to say that, you know, this is just my understanding, based on my experiences, based on my um spiritual development, based on the people I've talked to and the upbringing I've had, right? I do not speak for AA and I do not speak for on behalf of the entirety of the people in the rooms, right? This is just my experience and my perspective. And so I wanted to first say that, and I and I came ready. I have literature, so buckle in. Um I I I wanted to get into this idea that God is really um the center of my life today, right? God is really, like, whenever I think about you know why things are the way they are, why I do what I do, you know, what is the reason of everything? It's like everything really just boils down to God. Like, where is the solution? It's in God, like, you know, why do I feel restless? Why do I feel discontent? It's because I'm not with God, right? And it's like, it's like, so I just have this conception that everything in my life, everything in the world, all of creation, really is just revolves around God. And um, I pulled this passage from step seven of the 12 and 12, and it goes on to say we began to get over the idea that that the higher power was a sort of Bush League pinch hitter to be called upon only in emergency. The notion that we would still live our our own lives, God helping a little now and then, began to evaporate. Many of us who had thought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of his help. But now the words, of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works, began to carry bright promise and meaning. Right? And so this is basically saying how, you know, God isn't like this entity that we go to when we're really, you know, um out of luck, you know, we're really down and out, and we just need an emergency lifeline to call to. You know, God is something that I need to rely upon every day. You know, I see it as like God is the reason that I'm able to even like get out of bed in the morning. You know, he's the reason that you know I'm able to go and do my work and have the capabilities that I do to perform my work well. You know, he's the reason that you know the sun rises, he's the reason that the birds fly, you know, he's the life-giving force that animates the world around us, you know, and he is the source of all that is good. And so if I need something good in my life, I need to go to him to obtain it, right? And so going into God's will, the first category, I like to think of it as the moral law, right? And I'm not going to try to convince anyone of a specific um a specific standard of what is moral or immoral. I I'm going to share a little bit of how what I believe to be what is morally just versus unjust. But this is something that like I think everyone has to explore on their own. Everyone has to come to understand on their own, you know, it's and it's between them and their higher power. Um but it but I will present my views of it, right? I think that, you know, I I've been reading um I've been reading Mere Christianity uh by C. S. Lewis. And I am a Christian, I'm a Catholic, you know, that was the upbringing that that I have. Um but it's really interesting because before C. S. Lewis goes into specifics about um you know the Christian faith specifically, uh, he goes into saying how, you know, when we are born, when we're little, right, it's like we kind of already know, like inside of us, there is this sort of code that we know which tells us what is right and wrong. It's like when I would be in line for, I don't know, food in the cafeteria, in elementary school, you know, uh grade school, it's like you know, someone would cut in line in front of me, and then everyone would get upset, be like, oh, you know, we're gonna tell on you, you cut the line. And it's like, you know, the and and it was like that's just wrong. You don't do that. Or it's like one time uh I think I stole an eraser from a classmate, and I was like trying to sneakily do it because I felt guilty about it. Um and I'm sure if I got caught, you know, I would, you know, I would feel like I did something wrong. You know, and I did feel like I did something wrong. You know? And and it's interesting because it's like when you call someone out on their unjust behavior. Excuse me. When you call someone out on their unjust behavior, they don't say that like, oh, what are you talking about? There's no such thing as like just or unjust. They usually say like, oh, well, I'm in a hurry, so that's why I need to cut in line. Or it's like, oh, like I have an emergency. Like, you know, that's why I needed to to you know uh do this thing, this this wrong thing, I I I have to come up with an excuse for it. And so it's like it's like um, or it's like with the the eraser, right? I could say, like, well, I I needed it, like I didn't have an eraser, you know? And so there's always like this justification. Um but that there isn't really a denial, no one really denies that they have this sense of ethical code that's written inside of them that we feel like all people ought to live by. The uh, you know, it's it's kind of like, you know, I think there are variations in people's moral belief system, but it's like the simple things, like, you know, you shouldn't steal, you know, you shouldn't kill, um, you shouldn't cheat on your significant other, you know, um, you shouldn't lie. You know, these are all things that are like fundamentally like we just believe they're true. We just believe that these are moral facts that people ought to conduct themselves by, right? And it's like it's like in this book, it's like saying that, you know, all this moral law, this moral code is written inside of each of us. And so we're able to recognize that there is a sort of supernatural or divine um a divine implantation into ourselves that tells us that we shouldn't, shouldn't live a certain way. And it's like it's like, you know, you look at animals, you know, a a wolf doesn't go around thinking like, oh, is this is this a good thing or is this a bad thing to like, you know, to to hunt this rabbit, you know? Um, is it a good thing or is it a bad thing to hunt in in a pack? You know, and it's like I I I think that it's hard to go out and observe the world and be like, well, is there like this underlying moral code? But it's like we don't need to do that necessarily because we can look inside of ourselves and we can see there's this moral code there. Um and I think that's undeniable. Like I think every single, unless every single person, unless they're like a sociopath, you know, has this feeling of right and wrong, this intuition of right and wrong that's in each and every one of us. And so it's just a matter of like, you know, I gave like the general ones of like, you know, steal, kill, rob, whatever, um, lie. And it's like, and it's like, yeah, I think we can generally agree with some of the main ones. And and I'm not gonna go down the list of like what I think is moral or immoral, but I do think that it is important to recognize that it is vital for us to distinguish between what is moral and immoral. That way we're able to better uh follow God's will. Right? If I believe that something is morally okay or morally good, but in God's eyes it isn't, it isn't morally good. In fact, it separates me from Him, then I I will suffer the consequences of that. I will recognize that, like, oh, like I was thinking this one thing, but now I just I'm I'm suffering all these consequences. Maybe I should change my view of that, right? And um, you know, I I prescribe to the uh you know the Christian ethical framework, right? The Christian ethical belief system that um has been developed, you know, for for thousands of years. And I, you know, and it but it's interesting because even amongst Christians, there's uh legitimate disputes about like you know, things that are moral or immoral, you know, things like um, you know, uh like personal relationships, like um sexual relationships. Um, you know, and so it's just like, you know, I don't want to tell anybody that you know how they live is like sinful or wrong. Um I don't I don't want to judge people for that. But I but I do want to try to encourage others to be like, well, you know, what is God's will? Like what is morally good, you know, and I don't think that morality is a purely a subjective thing. You know, I it's like if I believe in God, right? It's if I believe in God, God is like the source of good, he's perfect, he is just, um, he is mercy, he is grace, right? All of the goodness stems from him. And so if I say that, oh, what is good for one person may be not be good for another, or what one believes in their subjective mindset, what is good, and I believe something else in my subjective mind, I just disagree with that sort of um logic. Because if we're talking about something that's good, it has to come from God. And so if it has to come from God, he is true and he is perfect and he is unchanging. And so morality can't be based upon circumstance. Morality can't be subjective to each individual's per person's perspective. If morality is good, it has to come from God. And that, because it comes from God, it has to be objective, it has to be a stalwart standard that um is applicable regardless of the person, regardless of the circumstance. And so that is why I don't really buy into this whole like um, you know, cultural relativism or or subjective morality. You know, it's like it's like I think that we can look at things like the Holocaust or look at things like um, you know, child sacrifice um that the Mayans uh or the Aztecs, you know, practice. And we can look at that and say, no, that is objectively wrong. Like, like child sacrifice and the genocide of a of an ethnic group is wrong. And and I don't think like if you have the sort of subjective um mindset of what morality is, then it's like you can't say that. You can't say that this or that is objectively wrong. And I think that if we are trying to follow God's will, then we ought to recognize that like God defines what is good, God defines what is good and what is bad. And so what in my mind, in my moral and ethical system, how does that align? How how close does it align with God's view of what is moral and immoral? Right. So anyway, um this idea of a moral law, right? Like, I think that it helps guide me make my decisions, right? It's like saying, you know, should I go out and try to um should I go out and try to shoplift like this bag of chips? It's like, no, that's like clearly wrong, right? And so I don't need to discern, like, you know, is it God's will for me to take these chips? It's like clearly it's not. It's like clear, like I don't even need to think about it. It's like I just know intuitively that it's not in alignment with God's will. Or it's like, um, you know, should I go and like attack, like punch this person in the face because he's pissing me off? And it's like, no. It's like unless I'm like directly, my life or my person is like directly under threat, you know, if someone's lobbying insults at me, it's not of it's not according to God's will to go and beat that person up. It's just not. And so really it just comes down to um you know figuring out like when I'm in these sort of circumstances, like what is God's will and what isn't? Do I do I pay my taxes? Yes, I pay my taxes. It's like, do I um do I do I go out and um and show up at work? You know, I've made a commitment to work. It's like, yes, I go and I show up at work and I and I do my job, you know? And it's like, so it's like for a lot of things, you know, we don't really need to go to God just to be like, well, what do I do here? It's just like these are already things that we know. These are already things that have been with us since we were children. And so we don't need to go to God necessarily to figure out like, is this a morally good thing or a bad thing? Right. Like once I have a moral ethical system that I know and I live by, then it's you know, it's not a matter of like trying to convince, trying to like figure out what is good and isn't. You know, I may try to justify my um my immoral acts. You know, like say like, you know, I'm I'm just really down on my luck and I just don't have any, you know, much money left in my bank account. And so I decide to like not leave a tip, or I decide to take a few bucks from a basket. It's like, it's like I know those are wrong, but I can still justify it, be like, hey, look, like I just really need this. I'm gonna do my best to make sure I I tip the next person really well, or I give them more in the basket next time. You know, I can make up reasons to justify it, but I think I know deep down that what I'm doing is wrong, right? And so, of course, like we make immoral decisions all the time. You know, when our desires are strong enough, when the temptation is great enough, you know, we make immoral decisions all the time. But it's not a matter of, it's not, it's not like we lack the understanding that it's immoral. It's more that we just feel like a desperation or we feel like we have a need that, and and we lack the confidence that God is going to take care of us, right? Or we have we have fear, we we have fear that something bad is gonna happen unless we act, you know, selfishly. And so, you know, but again, like it's not that I think that I'm not acting selfishly. It's like I know I'm acting selfishly, but I decide to do it anyway, and I then have to bear the consequences of doing so. And you know, and we all, you know, everyone falls short in um, you know, trying to act morally. We're not perfect human beings, you know. We all have flaws, um, we all have shortcomings, you know. That that's where these defects come in. Our defects um, you know, cause us to act in certain ways that are in opposition to what God's will is for us. So, yeah, so that that I think is the moral law, right? That's that's that first category. And, you know, it's just a matter of um creating a system for myself to where I know um without much of a headache over you know what is or what isn't God's will, it it could be challenging to follow through on that, right? Because it's like sometimes, you know, the easier, softer way seems to be the selfish route, right? Um, but I'm not deluding myself over that. Anyway, I'll move on. So the second category, I think is uh is an interesting one, right? And I think this is really what most people um this is what most people struggle with. And I want to um dive into it by because I have I have a couple readings here, and um it does a really good job at like illustrating you know what I'm trying to get at. So the first one here is we all know it, it's in upon awakening in the big book. Um, and I'm just gonna read this paragraph here. It says, in thinking about our day, we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course. To take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. We used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we're going to be inspired at all times. We may pay for this presumption and all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration, become to rely upon it. And so this is kind of saying, like, um, you know, I I like to think of it as like uh when we get in these moments of like there's just a lot of gray area, right? Where it's like, you know, one doesn't one decision doesn't necessarily stick out as to like what the right or wrong decision is, right? It's like um it's like go to do I go to this social event? Do I go and I approach you know the these few people and try to make some friends? You know, do I um you know, do I just stay in today and just relax today? You know, or do I um do I go out and do I buy this car? You know, what car do I buy? You know, it what color? What what brand? You know, what model? What maker model? You know, it's like do what do I go and I move to a different city where this job is offering me? You know, do I go and visit my parents this weekend? Do I have enough free time to do so? Or should I focus on other things? You know, these are all examples of things that are like morally gray. And it's like there isn't really a uh just or unjust decision there. Um, not not necessarily, right? At least not within the the neat uh constri like restrictions or um the neat guidelines of what the moral law is. And so it's like, what do I do? Like, what do I do when I'm faced with these moments of indecision? And so what the big book says is that when we're not sure what course to take, uh we turn to God and we ask him for inspiration, right? An intuitive thought or decision, right? It's it's almost like when we turn to God and we pray and we meditate, and we really pause. We pause and we listen, right? I've had many times where I'm like, you know, I'm really struggling over, you know, one thing or another. Um one thing was like, you know, I'm I'm in Jacksonville now, and one thing I when I was living in Tampa, I was thinking, like, do I do this move, right? Because I got this nice career opportunity up here, and I was thinking, like, what do I do? Like, like, am I moving? Like, I thought I was gonna live in Tampa forever. I thought I would graduate law school and I would start my career in Tampa and build my career there. And um, because that's where I'm from, that's where I was born, that's where I was raised. I'm like, this is it. Um, but it was like, do I but then this opportunity arose, and I'm like, I really want to jump on this, but it's like it's such a drastic change. And so I really prayed about it, you know, and it was like, and and and it's interesting, right? Because I think God doesn't just tell us, He just doesn't just outline, you know, all of the steps that we need to make, all of the decisions we need to make, the entire timeline of our progression in our personal or professional lives. Like, he just doesn't line it out for us. But like when I prayed, it was like, do I apply for this job? And it was just be like, yes, apply. It's like okay, I'll go ahead and apply. And then it was like, they want to see me for an interview, and it's like, okay, well, do I go out and I drive to this interview? And it's like, yes, go out and drive to this interview. And then they're saying, and then I got an offer from them saying, Oh, we got openings in Jacksonville. And then I was just like, what do I do? What do I do? Like uh this is such a it's such a big move. And then I I can feel, I can feel like God was telling me, um, God was telling me, just say you're interested. Just say you're interested. And I was just like, okay, that's what I'll do. I'll just say I'm interested. And so that's what I told them. And then it was just like one thing after another, it was like God was kind of guiding me along this process, only telling me what I immediately needed to do in that moment. Like, because I would say, I would ask God, like, like, am I going to move to Jacksonville? Like, tell me if I'm gonna go to Jacksonville. And he would just, and and and it's interesting because it's like when you ask God for an answer, it's like, it's like most of the time, I just I don't really get a response. Or or the response that I get is usually just to wait. It's just like, it's like, God, what do I do? Like, do I do this? Do I do that? And he's like, just wait, just wait, right? He only tells us what we need to do if we're in the moment that we need to do it, right? And so when he told me, just tell them you're interested, that's what I did. I reached out, I told them I was interested, and then one thing led to another. I got the job, figured out the plans, got a new place, and now I'm up here, right? And so it's like, you know, I was able to turn to God and ask him for guidance. And I relied upon that guidance to be able to figure out like and and and conduct myself in a way which is in alignment with his will. Right? And it's kind of like um, you know, you know how like you know how like uh when you come into the rooms and people tell you like don't even think for yourself. Get a sponsor and just do whatever the sponsor tells you to do. If he says wear a blue shirt, you wear a blue shirt. You know, if he says to go to this meeting, you go to that meeting, you know, and it's just like, okay, yeah, like cool, like I just won't think for myself, right? But the purpose of that is because we do not, when we first come into the rooms and we're, you know, a very um spiritually sick person, sick people. And, you know, we, you know, when we're when we have a lack of a relationship with a higher power, and we're relying and we're basically making all our decisions driven by self-will, you know, we're not capable of making good decisions for ourselves. And so the idea is like stop making decisions for yourself, um, get a sponsor, someone who's spiritually fit, someone who has had a spiritual awakening, and they have been able to, you know, run their lives properly, they have been able to develop a conscious contact with God. And so just listen to them. And the idea is that once we go through the steps, once we have our own spiritual awakening, then we aren't solely reliant upon our sponsors anymore, right? Because the sponsor's job is to take our hand and put it into the hand of God, right? And so it's not that I don't go to my sponsor for guidance about certain things, it's not that I don't go to my sponsor or my sober network to help me work through different issues and difficulties that I have. But the idea is that I no longer am making decisions by myself. I am no longer making decisions based purely off the suggestions of other people. I move forward and I make decisions in my day based on the god, the guidance that God gives me. Right. And so it's like it's like I can go and use a sort of methodology, a go to God, and actually with a relative degree of success, actually discern what he's telling me and incorporate that into my daily life, right? And I think that is significant. Like that idea is significant, right? He's not like this, again, he's not like this Bush League pinch hitter that we were what we call upon when we're in a tight situation. He is this entity, this you know, we are in this partnership with him, right? When we're in a partnership, a partnership um infers collaboration, right? It entails collaboration, it entails cooperation. It's a um the idea is you you go back and forth with somebody, you work together with somebody, right? It's uh it's like I it's not like I'm solely going forward and just weighing the options and making this decision based on what I think is what's best. I'm incorporating God's input in my decision making, right? And and ultimately it should come down to what he's telling me is uh uh supersedes what I want, right? Or what I think I should do. And so he is the the the play caller. And I can be, you know, the I can be the one out on the field, but if he's the coach and he makes the call, like if I'm a good player, I should listen to what my coach tells me, right? Um so it's like it's like he is now the director in my life, right? If I'm not living for myself anymore, if I'm not the director anymore, if I'm not the um the author in in my own story, then I need to listen to the author, I need to listen to the creator, and try to um conform my behavior according to what he's telling me, right? And so that is that is the essence of trying to follow God's will. That is the essence of the program. You know, we have the program that outlined all the 12 steps for us, but it's like God provided those 12 steps, God provided the program, God provided the people in the program to give suggestion, right? And we can rely on those as if they've come from God and rely on those as if it's God's will. But it's like, but it's like these principles and these uh these step work, you know, they don't answer, you know, these moments of indecision, these these moments of um of of a lack of uh knowledge of what to do. And so what do I do? I go to God, I turn to him and I ask him, what do I do in this situation? And I try to discern and I try to listen to him, and he will tell me what to do. He will literally tell me what to do. And so that, you know, is is the trick. You have to continue to develop this relationship with him, and it'll be and again, it says in upon awakening, it says, being still in experience, having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. But, you know, I think that we can continue to work on that, continue to work on the relationship and continue to work on this method of discernment, and we can rely upon that inspiration. We can rely upon that intuitive understanding and actually use it in order to navigate the difficult things that we go through in our daily lives. I do want to tie in this other reading. This comes from uh step five of the 12 and 12. It says, What comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we get his direct comment and counsel on our situation, and there can be no doubt in our minds what that advice is. Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were solely mistaken? Lacking both practice and humility, they had deluded themselves, and were able to justify the most errant nonsense on the ground that this was what God has told them. It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisors the guidance they that they feel they received from God. Surely then a novice ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps tragic blunders in this fashion. While the comment or advice of others may by no means by no means infallible, maybe by no means infallible, it is likely to be far more specific than any direct guidance we may receive while we are still so inexperienced in establishing contact with a power greater than ourselves. And so it's like it's like it's like it's again going at things alone in spiritual matters is dangerous, um, which is why we ought to rely upon our sponsors, our spiritual advisors, our sober network to help us discern and figure out like what the best decision is. You know, one thing I was told early in the program was if you're unsure about what to do, call five alcoholics and see what they say. And if they all say about the same thing about what you should do, that's probably the what you should do. That's probably what uh the right thing to do is. And it's like you could always just keep calling people and get the one answer that you're looking for and be like, oh, that's it, you know. But it's like, you know, I that would be like uh deceiving myself, you know, and it's like I need to uh I would need to ignore like all of the guidance of all the other people who I talked to previously just to justify you know the advice that I got um from one person, right? And so I I mean I think it's in I think it's incredibly important to not rely solely on like what I feel is divine inspiration, right? Like if I'm still unsure about something, you know, I I I usually like talk to my parents, talk to my therapist, talk to my sponsor, talk to you know, other people that I respect and know in the program. And you know, through um you know, discussing you know it with all these different people, I'm able to come uh with good certain pretty good certainty as to like what I should do, you know, and whether or not that inspiration that I think that came from God, you know, is actually um divine, divinely inspired. Um but it requires, you know, like like like it's it's foolish to go at it alone because you know what could come to us alone gets garbled down by our own rationalization. It it you know, we become very susceptible to manipulation by our own ego and by our own uh selfish will. And so it's like you know, like like you know, people will do many things thinking that it is God who's you know commanding them to do it, but it's like um but it's like it you know, they're just so deceived and they're so um you know tunnel visioned on it that they don't realize that it's really just their own ego who's that's driving them, that's compelling them to do this or that. Right. And so um it's incredibly important to uh incorporate you know others in these sort of decision makings because um, you know, I think that you know we can try to justify and rationalize just about anything, you know, like you know, we used to think that traveling to a different state or traveling to a different city would solve our alcoholism. We used to think that um, you know, we used to think that like, oh, if we just switched from beer to wine or wine to beer, you know, that would solve our issues. You know, we used to think that um, you know, like hitting up a dealer at like 2 a.m. was it was a good idea, you know? And so it's just like a matter of like recognizing my own um shortcomings and um, you know, not putting myself in a position to where you know my defects and my ego can, you know, take advantage of me. And so, you know, I think that it's like tricky, right? Because especially for someone that's like new, it's like, how do you how do I even like listen to God? Like, how do I even discern what he's telling me? And it's like, and it's like each person has their own relationship, you know, it's like something my my dad has told me, he's not in the program, but he's very spiritual, is that he likes to journal a lot. And so when he journals, um, he's praying to God while he journals, and he believes that as he's writing, God is moving his hands and he's and he's telling him, he's giving him direction as he's writing it down on paper, right? And so it's like, you know, and that kind of works for him, you know, and that and that works for him. But it's like I just want to encourage people to continue to seek, right? To continue to communicate with God. Because it's like, I think that there's so many, I and I don't know, but I I presume that there's so many people in the rooms, there's so many people that kind of just do what is prescribed by the program, right? Which isn't a bad thing, right? It's a very good thing. Where it's like, you know, it's like I go out and I do service work, you know, I have a meeting, I I I have service commitments at my meeting, you know, I go to like four or five meetings a week, you know, I get responsee, I share in the meeting, you know, I don't I don't lie, cheat, or steal, you know, and it's like, okay, like that is a good foundational like um set of like behaviors that I think can greatly benefit your life, right? Like I think that's all great. That's all great, you know, but it's like if that's all that I'm doing, if all that I'm doing is what is prescribed to me by the program, by the uh others in the room, then it's like I'm missing out on the essential element of this sort of partnership with God. You know, it's like if I go out and I and I just do and I do the right actions, I do the right actions, I will receive the benefits. But it's like, well, what but it's like where does God fit in that? You know, it's like he will reward me for my efforts and he will keep me sober. But it's like like where where is that relationship? You know, it's only through the resting in God and being in his presence and turning to him and praying to him that I ref that I receive peace of mind. It's only by turning to him that I receive wisdom and and and knowledge beyond my understanding. It's only by turning to him that I get strength to um to take on the burdens that come to me through my daily life. You know, and so it's like I I have this that there's like this sort of like resource. There's just like this this infinitely good resource that's available, but it's like why would but I'm not tapping into it. It's like why would I not tap into that? You know, it's like um it's awfully like short-sighted. It's like, oh, I don't need to, you know, turn to God for everything. Like I have the directions and I just follow the directions. And it's like, yeah, like as you should, like you should follow the directions, but like there's so much more of a rich and so much more of a rewarding um ability to like like way to live, a way to live that you're missing out on, you know, and it's like and it's like that that is like it's like so sad to me. It's like, why wouldn't you do that? You know, God gives me life, God gives me hope, you know, got God gives me purpose. It's like, why wouldn't I just why wouldn't I go to God for everything? Um one way to like illustrate this is that uh I actually heard this from Sandy Beach, um, phenomenal speaker, uh rest in peace, but he has a lot of speaker tapes that just so compelling. Um but he talks about how like if I'm having um marital issues, right? Where the the wife isn't really happy with me, and I, you know, whether it's for a few reasons or one big reason, you know, and I just don't know what to do with it, it's like I can go to marriage counseling, I can. Read literature on you know how to like save a marriage. I can talk to other married couples, you know, others who have had sex, I mean sorry, who have had success, uh, who've had success in their relationships, you know, who have had a proven and true, like long-term, you know, and healthy marriage. Like I can go to them, you know, and so I can and I can talk with my wife and try to talk things out, right? And it's like I can do all these things. I can go out and try to gather information and try to put those into practice and see if it works, right? And and I may find success with that. You know, I very may well find success with that. But it's like if I just go to God and I ask him what the issue is and ask him what the solution is, and I bring him into the relationship to try to fix it, it's like then he'll do that. He'll just tell me what the solution is, he'll just tell me how to fix it, and he will fix the relationship for me. And it's like, like, why wouldn't I just do that? Why wouldn't I just go to God and He just tells me what to do? It's just like it's just like there's just like this infinite wisdom and this infinite knowledge that's like at my fingertips, and it's just like, why wouldn't I tap into that? Why wouldn't I just go to Him and have and rely on Him to tell me what to do? Now I'm not gonna say that like, well, maybe He'll tell you to go to counseling, maybe He'll tell you to ask some friends about the situation, maybe He will. Maybe He will tell me that. And maybe that's part of His will for me to go out and to search these other resources. But it's like, but it's like I it's like it's like, but he also might just tell me what to do. And so it's like, why not just freaking go to him? You know, and so it's like it's like this is something that like we need to try to keep incorporating and practicing in our daily lives, right? And I try my best, right? I think that there's a difficulty in maintaining a sort of conscientiousness of a presence of God into my daily life. Because as I wake up and I go through my day, you know, and I go to work, um I feel like I'm living, you know, in the world, right? I feel like I'm living in um, you know, my my issues that I'm I'm uh having to deal with at the time. But it's like it's like there's a way, you know, there's a way to bring God with me, you know, through my daily life. There's a way to bring God in, right? And so it's just a matter of like further developing and nurturing that relationship, right? It's like I don't need to be like a monk in some sort of brotherhood, like in the mountains, you know, like I don't need to be totally detached from society uh in order to find this sort of uh you know prolonged awareness of the presence of God. Um I think I think that capacity is with us no matter where we are in the world. I mean, I think the monks have an advantage, right? Because then they can just focus entirely, like their entire day, they can just focus on um prayer and meditation and spiritual readings. And you know, there is a benefit to that. But I think I also think that God wants us to live in a society, you know. I mean, for the monks and the brothers, you know, I think if he's calling them to live that sort of life, you know, that's good for them to go out and pursue that. But it's like I think that God is calling us to live out our lives, you know, because God needs like teachers, he needs um electricians, he needs construction workers, he needs attorneys, you know, he needs politicians, you know, God needs soldiers, right? If we are to be his vessel, if we are to be his arms and his legs in this world, if we're all just in a freaking mountain somewhere, you know, like wearing robes and like and like like living off like I don't know, freaking oranges, like there isn't really much uh influence that God can use can use, you know, if that's where all we are. You know, that's all of us, you know. You know, our our capacity to influence society and influence the world will be significantly limited, you know. It's like, and so and so God needs you know everyday people. God needs workers in a society because God gives us these opportunities. God gives us our careers, God gives us our jobs and you know, the people that we work with and the services that we provide people, God gives us the opportunity because it's a way for us to serve Him, to serve others, and enact His will in the world, right? And so, you know, I think that like a part of the discernment, right? A part of discerning those gray areas, the big one, the big one, is discerning what God's purpose is for us in our lives. And so it's like um, what is that? Like, what is my purpose? You know? And it's like because your purpose is a big thing because it because it it's the driver, it's the motivator for us to continue to live our lives, right? And it's like I've had times in my life, even in sobriety, where I felt like I was purposeless, and I was just like floating around without any any idea of what I'm what I'm supposed to do and how how I'm supposed to do it. And it's so freaking sad, man. It's so sad. Like, like just drifting, like without any direction. You know, and and it and it you get depressed. Like, I got really depressed because I was just like, I don't know what to do with myself. Like, I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know what God wants me to do. I hate the job that I'm at, I can't stay here forever. And so it's like, it's like, what is my purpose, right? Um, and I think that, you know, again, like God doesn't lay everything out for us. God doesn't tell us what's in store for us, you know, um, in the future. But he but he does guide us, right? It's like um prior to becoming an attorney, I was uh working as a as a debt collector. And it was terrible. Like people hated me. I got people cussing me off, cussing me out like almost every day, and negotiating with uh people who and trying to explain to people why they have this debt, you know, all this stuff. And it was it was just not a very enjoyable job. Right? And so, but it was like it was like interesting because it was like one thing after another, it was like I had worked with other attorneys, and so I'm like, oh maybe I can go like work, you know, go to law school and study this. And it was like, well, my dad has been practicing for so so many years, and you know, he's telling me that you know I could have a future at the firm if I go out and I and I get a degree. It's like okay, maybe I'll go out and I'll do that and I'll try that. And I and I and I talk to other attorneys and I get their feedback. You know, most of them tell me don't do it. Um so it's like you know, I can't make you can't make all your decisions based on what people tell you. But it was just like eventually I just like developed this conviction that like, okay, this is the career, this is the path that I'm gonna go down. And then once I went to law school, it was like it just got I just got reaffirmed time after time, like this is what I'm supposed to do. Um but like again, and this goes into my uh point about discernment and communication with God. It was like I was considering um, do I go and get an uh an MBA degree and a JD at the same time? Because there's like dual enrollment programs, so I can do both. And I was like really kind of like uh struggling with this. I was like, what do I do? What do I do? And eventually I was just like, screw it, God, what do I do? Right? I was in my car and I'm like, I'm just really in my head, struggling, and I just have this idea, let me ask God. And so I go and I ask God, I'm like, God, what do I do? And he tells me, you are going to be an attorney. It was like, it was like it's not like audible, but it's like that was the message that I received. It's like you are going to be an attorney. And it's like, okay, like that's it. That's my answer. Like, and so, and so now that I have this goal and now I have this answer from God, I now just can go forward with a degree of certainty and with courage that like I'm pursuing what God is commanding me to do. Right? And so, and and it's not going to be that simple, and it wasn't even simple for me. Like, I I like law school was hell. Like, I I I struggled and I suffered and like I had many sleepless nights. Um, but it's like I feel so good because like where I'm at now, because I feel like I'm have a purpose, you know. I'm doing what God is telling me to do. I'm doing the job that God guided me to. You know, I'm fulfilling my purpose for where I am today, you know? And it's like, and it's like this isn't something that just like came to me overnight. You know, this is something that I had to work towards and something that I had to discern for myself and figure out through his guidance, right? And I and I'm never gonna tell somebody like I know what like God's purpose is for you, like God wants you working this job, God wants you, you know, providing this service or this product. It's like it's like no, like I don't freaking know. But it's like, but it but if I'm a person who's struggling, if I'm struggling with what God's purpose is for me, then I need to turn to him and listen to him and ask him, where do you want me? Where should I apply? What field like are you are you driving my attention towards? Like what career are you are you compelling me towards? And and it's like it's like a matter of like that constant prayer, that constant search, and through the searching and talking with others and prayer and reading and researching, I it like the the pathway reveals itself. The pathway will reveal itself. And it's just a matter of being ready and searching and and willing to find that and then pursue it, right? And so um it but it but it requires effort and it doesn't come, it doesn't come easily and it doesn't come naturally. Um, you know, this is a matter of like action. This is a matter of action. It's it's only by doing acts that God has now something to work with, right? It's like another short analogy is like, you know, if I really want like a brand new car, like an Audi A5 A4 or whatever, and it's like I just pray to God, I'm like, oh, I really want this car. You know, and I just but I don't do anything. I just literally lay in my bed all day, and I'm just like, God, I want this car. Please give me this car, give me this car. It's like I'm dying here. I'm like crying out, I'm like crying out to God, like, God, if you just give me this car, like please, you know, and it's like, and it's like, okay, like, like nothing is going to happen. Like, nothing is going to happen. But if I go out and I have and I work a job and I and I save enough money and I build up my credit and I have good credit, and then I do research and I and I look at different dealerships and I call different people at these dealerships, or I call different friends who can give me references, and I go out and I put out feelers, right? I I do the footwork. Once I do the footwork, God now has something to work with. God now can see that and be like, oh, the this guy is, you know, I can use this, I can use this. And so he will manipulate the situation and guide me towards the car that I want, right? He'll get me what I want if it is according to his will, right? And so um it requires action. So if I'm floating and I don't know what to do with my life, like I, of course, I need to be searching, I need to take action, I need to um be able to um willing and open-minded enough to be able to go through that process, right? And but to cap it out, like like this is something that like you know, I I need to figure out for my own personal life. But ultimately, our our purpose, our purpose in life is to um serve God. Like that is my ultimate purpose, is to serve God. And you know, what that looks like in the rooms is you know, showing up and getting a sponsee and you know, staying sober and doing service commitments and calling people. Like that's what that looks like in the rooms. But like each person has their own has their own profession, each person has their own job, each person has their own personal lives, what they do in their personal lives is different. And so it's like, you know, I need to find purpose in all that I do, and I need to listen to God and recognize that what I'm doing should be towards the end of serving Him and serving others. And so that is what's most important. And that I think is like what we should all be falling back on, right? It's like if we get lost in the weeds and we get and we get confused as to like where God wants me, what job he wants me at, what city he wants me at. Like we can be lost in the weeds in that. And but but it's very centering, it's very it's very centering to be able to come back to um, am I serving God? It's like it's like because that's my purpose, right? Like God created me, God put me on this earth in this time, in this place, with this family, around these people, so that I can serve him and serve them and serve the society that I'm in. And so that needs to be my guiding light, right? That needs to be my guiding light. If I'm doing something and it's purely for self-interest, then I can I can like recognize and pretty good certainty that like I'm not following his will because I'm not serving him, I'm serving myself. And so yeah, so yeah, I mean it's just like doing the suggestions in the in the program, you know, and it's funny because I said all these things about how there's more than just the 12 steps. But it's like if I follow the 12 steps perfectly, if I follow the 12 steps as you're supposed to follow them, then all these other things will just work out for me. You know, all these other things will be revealed to me, all these other things will, you know, be solved and I can and I can work through them. If I work the 12 steps as they're supposed to be, as they're ideally um supposed to be put into practice, then it's like these things, like my purpose for myself, discerning God's will, whether it's the moral law or whether it's in in moments of indecision, you know, these things become we become um we become truly understanding and we uh of the of them. I'll put it this way it's like by following God's will in step three and seeking Him in prayer and meditation in step ten, to continue to take a personal inventory into step ten, seeking to help another alcoholic in step twelve. Having incorporating all these steps into my daily life, things will reveal themselves. Solutions will come to me, strength and willingness will come to me from God, and I will be able to find the wisdom, the discernment, the knowledge, everything I need to feel satisfied and sufficient and competent in my life. Right. That that is the point I'm trying to make, is that we have all these questions and we have all these uncertainties, but as long as I incorporate the 12 steps and as long as I'm trying to follow his will and live according to the principles of the program, then these will all be answered for me. These will all all of these things will be revealed. It's just a matter of pursuing that, following through with it, being willing to do it, and then once they are revealed, going forward with that direction. Right? So yeah. I think that all is I I hope that all makes sense. I hope that all makes sense. I'm kind of confused myself now. I just I tend to do that. I just overthink things. I overthink things and then I confuse myself and then and then I don't even end up anywhere and I'm just freaking lost. But um, you know, I I think that uh if you're following, you know, I hope you got something out of it. Um and yeah, we'll you know, we'll be back in a couple weeks. We'll have another guest on. It'll be great. And um, yeah, thanks for tuning in and um hope you all have a good one. All right, bye bye.