Episode 7: Marriage After Kids – Still Teammates?

Episode 7: Marriage After Kids – Still Teammates?

Kids change everything — especially your relationship.

In this episode of Dad and the What, we dive into what really happens to a marriage after becoming parents. The dynamic shifts, the pressure builds, and suddenly, the relationship that once felt effortless requires a whole lot of intention.

We talk about how communication changes when you’re both exhausted, why intimacy and connection often take a hit, and how small, everyday frustrations can turn into deep resentment if left unspoken. We also explore the reality of different parenting styles—and how they can either divide you or make you stronger.

In this episode, we get into:

• The Communication Shift: Trying to talk to your partner when you're both stretched completely thin.
• The Intimacy Hit: Why connection feels so hard to maintain, and how to get it back.
• Parenting Style Clashes: Navigating the friction when you and your partner disagree on how to raise the kids.
• Us vs. The Problem: The ultimate perspective shift. Moving away from "me vs. you" and realizing you are on the same team.

At the end of the day, raising a family isn’t a solo mission—it’s a long-term partnership.

🎧 Listen now and share this one with your partner!

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Day today, having kids changes everything. Slipless knives, endless amounts of laundry, and somehow you and your partner go from soulmate to coal managers of kids.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

But here's the big question. Are we still playing on the same team? But just surviving under the same route.

SPEAKER_04 0:29

We don't need it in fight.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

The podcast. So Marcus, I would like to hear your opinion. Does that have any actual truth in it?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

That is actually a very deep question. It has. And at the same time, it hasn't. With the first kit, I wouldn't say there was big uh arguments in the beginning, but it slowly comes along when you realize your lack of knowledge about the whole partnership, yourself, and parenting. And then you kind of go through a realization period where you need to kind of get these things under control. And slowly you start to work on it, either yourself, your partnership, your your parenting skills, uh if you say. And of course, during that period, there has been rough patches. When the second one came, even more rough patches, and with the third one, we I would say couldn't survive without on any.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

Yeah, I can imagine. And of course, regarding that, there are so big changes in your everyday life after new kids and especially the first kid comes along because now it's not just two of you anymore. Now you're a team of three all of a sudden. And from my point of view, I really didn't think that the actual you know partnership would change maybe so radically as it could sometimes. And of course, now I'm trying to live along with the whole thing and you know, see all the changes in good and the bad, and trying to think about all along that how should I react, how should I feel about it, and what should I do from my side in these situations as well. But maybe I would like to know in the beginning that you know in these sort of changes, what have been your like biggest notices from your standpoint?

SPEAKER_01 2:47

I would say I I am not informed enough to to fully know about uh how love is uh is divided, but I'm pretty sure that men they energize and fuel by love, recognition, uh, approval, what they're doing is good enough. If they get that love from a woman, or if they get that love from their kids, it fuels in the same way. I'm not saying it's the same love, but it fuels you in the same way. For a woman it's different, I believe. That's why I say I don't have the data on the love to be able to speak uh like an expert or anything, but but from my opinion and data, a woman she also have uh live and fueled by the man's love. But almost more importantly, his attention. And also that he recognized her in in in what she's doing and how she looks and how she performs as a partner. Yeah, and especially their needs. Absolutely. But when that attention turns to your kid in in a radical way and and and and fifty percent of the relationship finds out that it can fuel on it as easy as it can fuel on the love from the the partner. Yeah. It's very easy for the man to forget his partner at the station and go on the train with the kid.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Mm-hmm. That's a very interesting point of view, and I would say that's very relatable for me as well, because now that I think back, like especially after my kid came along, he has been my sunshine and my whole world, pretty much. Of course, on the side of my wife, and I love her very much, it's not anything you know less than that. But it's it's very different now that you have this kid in your life and you're willing to do everything for them, and you're really focusing mainly on them. That sometimes it's very easy to forget about the partnership that you're having and flowering at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Maintaining my relationship with that woman that I before was partnered with alone without a kid interfering, and and we had all the time in the world, she had all the attention and all the needs were met and and and these kind of things without uh effort suddenly becomes a big effort that you have to put time and schedule for to maintain.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

Yeah, it needs so much more planning, especially now with a kid, and now that when the team play become a team play with a bigger team, we need to consider more of the players inside of it.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

A team is probably better relatable than a company, but but still in a company or at a team, if you don't maintain your employee or if you don't maintain your players or or stuff uh colleagues or whatever, you will get bad employees. Yeah. For sure.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

Yeah, that's very true. It's very hard to build up a broken team if something that radical happens, that it breaks down at some point. So, of course, we need to be very mindful with it and try to put consistent effort to each player in my example.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Agreed, and and and what why I'm relating to this is also that I started my journey with my partner on terms that was based totally 180 degrees different than than what I'm talking about now. And when I found out that I could look at it a little bit like a team, then I found out that I didn't even have the values from the team I was creating or part of uh building. And that made me search deeper in myself and back to the self-uh awareness and self-knowledge. You you you go through a a phase where you get to know yourself so much better and deeper.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Yeah, and it's so surprising how much it deepens your self-knowledge as well at the same time. Like you find definitely find places that you didn't even think about previously, and now that that we are actually able to be more self-aware, I would say we're better communicators at the same time, and we're actually more able to build up a very good team with the values that we want to put in it as well.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

Mainly for me, it's also been because I set some perfect scenarios up for myself, imagining when this happens, this is gonna be the picture, and it was never fully the picture, and I was getting upset about it over myself or uh even uh short, short-sighted, uh angry, whatever. That has been probably the most valuable thing for myself to be aware about. Hey, you're going without direction, you're going without data, you're going without uh a solid uh base of of building blocks that they simply just isn't there.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Exactly. And of course, when you're having this expectation and this framework in your head and it doesn't go along with it, or it goes on the completely different direction, you need to be ready to do some some sort of compromises every now and then in order to keep the others happy as well and you know to find the what would I say, the golden line between everything.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Absolutely. The ability to see her emotion as it is in that moment, and recognize it, analyze it, and then deliver back an answer that has nothing to do with our opinion personally, but will help her to understand what she's going through in a better way.

SPEAKER_02 9:01

Yes, and that's very important because I believe that we're supposed to be the you know the strong strong wall to keep them up as well and give them support when they actually need it. And if we're actually able to communicate openly and not in a defensive mode as we talked previously, it's gonna be so much better in the longer run, and of course in those moments, because it makes the arguments and even the bad situations a little bit better, always.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

And also what spring out of it personally for me was that in many occasions, all the way back to my own mom, I remember that feeling of when I wanted something, she kind of should know it without me telling it because she was my mom, kind of uh you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_02 9:57

Yeah, you expect that.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Exactly. And sometimes in relationships it can be a little bit like that too, from both parties, but but I think so too. Like you just kind of go in an everyday circle that is so boring or or so everyday like that you just expect each other to know each other without even knowing yourself sometimes, or without have clearly reported what it's what your needs is to each other.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

Yes, and I think in those moments, if you are not able to express your needs, it creates those pity arguments, I would like to say, even over the smallest things possible.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

To circle it back, I I I think that it it springs out from personally my own expectations of the situation's outcome when I say this. And and it can be small things like I know would upset my partner, which I then leave out or changes, it could be times, it could be places, it could be different situations and outcomes, but in 100% of the times, when you come clean and be clear about your needs, your wants, and your feelings about it, then you will figure out that it was only your own imagination that made this a problem, not your partner, because your partner will accept it and will actually help you rise or help you to be the best version in that situation.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Exactly. Or maybe she's even able to help you understand yourself also and where you're actually coming from, because in those moments you're actually able to reflect.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

Exactly. We've been using some some some different guide rules, uh, date nights and this stuff we have been talking about, uh travel uh a little bit, uh at least once a year. Yes. It's really good to implement these small rituals about when and schedule when is the time that is you and me time, and maintain it, even though that it can sometimes in the beginning be like just a movie night and we fall asleep because we are like exhausted from the week. Yeah, but just some kind of intimacy, some kind of connection time could be ten minutes sitting alone in the bed, uh cuddling fingers in between, and just be present with each other.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Absolutely, and that's very important when thinking about reconnecting with your wife, especially in between this very busy everyday life, between all the work and school and everything with the kids.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Daniel, about that intimacy of the kids, because there is some probably some expectations and and and then there is reality. Yeah. How was it for you?

SPEAKER_02 13:02

For me, I didn't really even think about it before my kid was born, but maybe my expectations were relating to the thing that the partnership is pretty much gonna be the same regarding the intimacy even w after getting a kid. But unfortunately that really was not the case almost at all, because when everything got more BC and now that we're focusing on the kid on the human being, like I said previously, it's very easy to distract yourself and and make yourself go a little bit further from your partner, I I would say.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

So Again, you fuel up by warmth and love from your kid in such a way that you can easily go to bed, not forgetting, but neglecting without feeling anything on your conscience, because before you would lack the need of warmth and the need of love from your wife or your partner. But at the moment you're getting it from your kid. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Exactly. And of course, between this busy life, you might just basically be so tired from your side or from your wife's side that you just don't have the energy to try to be intimate with your partner, and that feels terrible, I gotta say.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

I'm gonna sound like uh uh angel, but I would say in the end, and that is something I came to through years of exactly what you are talking about, it's the man who has the job to pull himself in the neck, even though he comes home half closed eyes, and go and make his woman happy wherever he's happy to make her happy in the house, in that moment, because if you consume yourself or let yourself you're right, it's gonna be a 100% legit excuse that you're gonna use. I'm too tired, she's probably too tired, you're never too tired to make each other happy.

SPEAKER_02 15:14

That that's that's a very good point, and of course, I'm trying to revisit that thought as often as I can and try to be very considerate, especially about my wife, her needs, and really I want to be able to give love to her and show that I really care no matter how tired I would be.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

I would also say because it can maybe come off a little cold, uh, that that you just take the love from your baby and don't need the love for your wife, you definitely still need the love for your wife. The problem is you just forget it. And that means when you start to maintain your team, your company, or your your relationship, uh whatever you want to call it, you also realize in that moment that why are we not maintaining this more? Because even if it's make each other happy at home, or if it's go out to eat a dinner and and and share a bottle of wine or whatever your poison is, uh a good meal, and and in good company where you get to discuss some of these everyday subjects you maybe don't have time for in the everyday or busy uh tantrum of having chaos and kids.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

Yeah, yeah. And in this sense, I would like to say that the phrase happy wife, happy life really means something very, very honest.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

And again, uh we we as men and dads are in a position where we can take tremendous amounts and loads of of of work and stress, and we we we we we we have space for a really really big load there. Sometimes that load is also in these moments where you are tired out of your mind. Just do whatever you want to push to tomorrow. Today it's the best advice I can give everyone anyone and myself as a reminder. Do whatever you can today instead of pushing it till tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 17:16

That's that's a very good tip. And of course, on the other side, if things go south and don't go as it should be and get even a little bit messy, I would say it's very important to try to try to fight fear, I would say, and choose the right time and the right place to talk about even painful things.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Totally agreed. And and and I would say we are probably at a point, if I take myself as a relatable to this topic, we uh we we come to a point where we can maybe be a little bit like growling uh to each other in very, very short uh spans of time, but then we take it uh later or you know when they are in bed or something like that. When it's really heavy or we really have a huge disagreement, sometimes I'm sure they can feel the resentment of each other, uh, but we don't take the argument at all uh in front of them, of course. Yeah, um but before there has been and and and I would say I I also of course have many moments that looking back with the data I obtained during uh the fatherhood that I'm not super proud of, but you know, if you just focus on being improving a little bit every day, you're not on the baddest road days.

SPEAKER_02 18:41

Yeah, that that's very true. And have you guys made or done any actual rules that if you need to have an argument in front of the kids, how are you actually gonna do it? Is it something that you are able to argue, but for example, you would show your kids as well how to make up after it?

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Yeah, to be honest, we we don't have the time for talking about these subjects. Um when we see each other at the moment, we see each other at the night time or sometimes in the morning in the weekends. But I would say we have been talking about doing some kind of uh setup and acting to promote these things exactly. How do you make up? How do you do when you come in? I I'm making a big number out of with them with out with the boys to uh stand up when somebody is arriving, pressure their hand, look them in the eye, and present myself by name, and I try to make them copy that uh as as long as they are comfortable with it. So they always will see their dad as someone that is you know respectful and respect others and you know giving a firm handshake and and a look in the eye when you're presenting yourself and meeting new people as a man.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

That's that's very nice to hear. And of course, when it starts within the household, it's so much easier to implement outside it as well with the other people, and if you have respectful kids, oh I gotta say that's that's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

So if you're just a little bit like inventive and creative, you will be able to let let's take an uh example. We want to teach the kids to help another kid in distress. Yeah. Right? We are three, me and the boys, living room. I'm saying, okay guys, let's try this new, insanely fun game. Are you ready for that? And they are absolutely ready. Good. I'm gonna show one time, and then I'd be then you have to copy it. I'm not sure you can do it, but then you have to copy exactly what I do, but I'm not sure that you can do it. You have to really watch and really and I drag it usually out there where they say, Come on, dad, you know, let's come on, show the game. And and then you just stand with one of them and you like saying, Okay, you have to say, stop it, and I have to stop. But I'm being a bag to you. And then we start there, and when you say stop, I let go. So it's like a lesson at the same time. It's a lesson at the same time, and then they we change up, and you know, and sometimes we elaborate it even further, like when somebody talking not nice, and you say stop, and they keep going, and you can interfere. But no matter what we go through afterwards, why do we stop when we stop saying stop? Oh, we stop because of this. We stop because it's not nice anymore, or we stop because we need to be able to to know each other's boundaries and stuff. Yeah, so you really think about the reasoning behind it as well. So it's not implemented in in twenty four hours of every Absolutely not. But but we have moments where where we we have time together and I always try to think these things in because every time I spend with them, why should it not be it's valuable already because I get time with them, but why should it not be valuable to them too in in terms of uh teaching them values? Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

That's that's a very nice thing to hear as well. And of course, like when we are talking about the routines, maybe bedtime routines, etc., being disciplined, having these certain values, it's so important for us as parents to really give lessons like you talked, give our opinions about things that so our kids and partners can also really think about like how should they react with them as well. But what what do you think in those moments when your kids or wife disagree with these things? How do you manage with that? Try to come with an example. What do you mean? For example, if you're thinking about that, your kids should go to bed, let's say eight o'clock, they disagree with that, or even your wife disagrees with that. They say that they should go to bed maybe two hours later, for example. In those moments, of course, it can be a little bit frustrating because you have your reasoning behind why they should go to bed in this time, but they definitely think something else. In those moments, like, do you stop and ask for from them, for example, why do they feel about it, or do you just dive into it and pretty much try to turn their heads 180 degrees?

SPEAKER_01 23:43

I would say case by case, because there's many factors that involve in why the situation ended there. Of course. But that was just an example. Yes, and I think I understand exactly what you mean. Uh, on the other hand, it's very clearly divided what me and my wife is responsible for in our household, and uh managing overall our household is kind of my job as the the father, the man. Uh we have also covered this previously with uh who is uh the the provider and and who is the caretaker and so on. So in the end, if there is a disagreement, I'm the last word. That's just it in my household. Um but definitely if the kids won't go to bed, I will try to in a normal situation look into what is what is the issue. It could be uh yeah, let's see TV TV episode. Yeah. They wasn't finished with. It could be they won't go to the shower because it's shower time, it could be many different uh they were playing and they won't stop playing.

SPEAKER_02 24:49

Yeah, or it's lunchtime and they are not hungry, for example, etc.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

Exactly. And there's uh two outcomes I want to talk about. One is that of course we always talk about what what deal can we make, what deal is there to make here. Yeah, that's absolutely the the the the prior priority uh way for me. Negotiating. Negotiation and and and is there a deal to be made here, we make a deal. And it's not I'm not talking about candy and all these things. I'm I'm talking about we we're actually talking about what is the situation, good, you will play, you want to play. And then I start to say, you have 20 minutes. He says one hour. I say you have ten minutes now, and he say two minutes. Yeah. And you know, and then we're negotiating for them back, and we ending usually on five minutes or something like that. And then I start to calm down. I just clearly stayed out the room. There is two minutes left. Yeah. And now there is one minute left. You have to get ready and you have to clean up, you have to do this. Now there's one minute, and now we are finished. And then if they are still a little bit struggling, we make a game out of cleaning somehow. The other one is when things don't go that way, and we end up in a tantrum, and that could be if we are out eating and one of the friends or grandparents have been quick with the phone, or they have been with the grandparents before and suddenly is shut off from the freedom they usually have there, and is meeting dead respect and family and other rules, and that can collide. Then I redraw. Then I take uh one of the boys, whoever is is is having a tantrum, and then then we slowly walk away. And I say, you know what? Calm down, it's alright, I'm here. Um it's fine. Sometimes we get upset, and then I try to ask slowly, like, what what what did you get upset about? Recognize that he got upset about it, and saying, I understand you, buddy. It's super fun to watch the phone, man. If we could watch the phone all the time, then then it would be amazing. But what happens if we watch the phone all the time? Then we wouldn't go to play, we wouldn't go to school, we would forget to eating, we will forget to sleeping, and what would that end in? And slowly we convert it back, you calm down, and we are like making again an agreement or deal, coming back to the table, coming back to the situation. How is it gonna play out?

SPEAKER_02 27:17

Yeah, that's very nice, and I gotta say I respect that style a lot, and I'm really aiming to do very similar things in those situation situations when the tantrum happens with the kid, because I have seen also the situations when the parents make a scene out of it, especially in the public places, and it's so awkward for everyone around that situation, but of course for them as a family, because I don't think I wouldn't say maybe like big problems, but even the tantrums or the small problems, they don't belong to anyone else outside the family, and I would like to think that it's very important to keep the respect towards the other people outside your family and also the people inside your family when you're able to handle things in this peaceful way, I would say. Exactly. And in private way.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Exactly. And I mean I definitely have situations with them where I'm not proud of how I handled the situation, either way by yelling or being uh too upset or making too big of a deal out of it, and I'm not too small to to come back if I anytime I misjudge a situation, coming in from the side and and said sorry afterwards, and we took a like a sit down and uh talk about it uh in a nice way, where where where I also sometimes have to apologize to them because they are like I previously said very truthful in what they say and they snitch on each other big time, and uh that's how it should be, you know, and and and it shouldn't be uh in any way um rewarded like you should snitch on the other or you should uh be be honest and then you get a medal, or uh that's just how it is. Yeah, yeah, that it is transparent and that's why we don't fair play. Exactly. And when we break something we we don't get a chance from it, they they kick down my um my very expensive Q7 uh curve LED TV. My oldest one, he was uh taking uh some kind of brick and throwing it backwards over his head. Oh no. And uh it hit the screen and I was like, this was the first like expensive thing that was kind of something I quote care about. Yeah. And that was the first time I had to calm myself down with a deep breath and thinking like because I also rationally think like what this little dude, man, he don't know shit. Exactly, and how can it ever be his fault that I didn't cover the TV or put it in a covered safe place? Yeah, he was being a kid, you know. Exactly, and that's also like it's just so beautiful that you get to relive, you you you really take a brain check on where are you as a person in this life, in your stage, where are they? And that is brutal honesty. That's why I think also many misunderstandings happen because kids are brutally honest. If they hear something talk about you, they will say it to you in the same way. There's so many truths you can find out through your kids. It's like we talked about earlier looking directly in the mirror. Absolutely. But sometimes you can also like disagree on uh routines and uh and and and disciplines or values as partners. And uh in in these situations, do you guys have like any yeah, rehearsed or pre-talk about these areas?

SPEAKER_02 31:02

I gotta say that we have, but maybe not enough, and this is definitely one of the areas I would be more than happy to teach myself teach ourselves some new things and new practical tips. But we have talked about that if we need to argue in front of the kids in in the situation, we try to do it as nicely as possible. And of course, more most importantly, we always aim to show the kid how to make up after the argument. Doesn't matter how small or big it was, but how do we how we still are respectful towards each other after it that life really goes on, that nothing stops in those small or big arguments. Absolutely, and that's very relatable. Yeah, and I think that's a very practical tip to think about, especially for all the listeners, that if you're having these sort of moments, that this might be something that you could try to implement as well.

SPEAKER_01 32:09

Absolutely, and I think consistency consistency here is the key that you want to implement something that is nice, that could be a morning routine where you wake up, you know, you go to their bed or they come to your bed. If you're sleeping with your partner, you know, you you make a big deal out of caressing and cuddling each other, hawking, kissing both uh each other and the kids, you know. They feel so much warm and love and and comf comfortable about it. And and uh in the evening time, it could be like you did something together as a family. We tried uh with the boys. I'm usually in the weekends doing uh yoga for kids, and it's like 10-minute sessions uh where there is this uh yoga teacher and and two or three kids, and they do either like a morning or evening session of uh a yoga program that is genius because there's a song playing in the background saying what they have to do, and it's just educational apps is just so worth it, or educational content is so worth it.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Yeah, definitely, definitely. And of course, when these arguments also happen, to get back to the previous conversation, I think it's very good to keep the mindset that it should always be us versus the problem and not me versus you in any cases, because if we really want to make sure that our home is a nice, respectful, and happy place to be in, this is definitely some of the core things we should value as a family as well.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

Is it me vis you? It will it will always be uh a battle and uh uh an uphill fight. Yeah, clashing the swords. Totally. Your partner, if it's a woman, is uh taking care of your dearest treasure in the most natural loving way a mother can do within normal boundaries. The father and the man in the relationship is taking care of the money situation, the providing situation and all this.

SPEAKER_02 34:29

Yeah, and making sure that the wife and the kids is fed, being well and everything.

SPEAKER_01 34:35

Exactly. And if that's not enough to say it's a us uh uh problem instead of uh a me v versus you problem, then I would say uh you are probably in a place where you need to work on on some some some other areas or some other stuff, um because it should be us as a team, as a company, family, partnership. It should never be me and you against each other. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Exactly. And this has been very interesting topic to touch base with, especially when it's so relevant for us as fathers and as husbands. And at this point, I really want to thank all the listeners going along with us and our stories as well. And once again, if any of you guys have any stories or comments relating to our opinions or stories.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

This is definitely uh episode that uh subject-wise bring us to be able to take it up in a later episode. If you also want to listen to more about the subject we talked about today, then please let us know in the comment or on our social media profile. If you like and subscribe, it will mean the world to us. We are doing this for real dads to be able to talk about real dads fatherhood in general. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for chat. Thank you, guys.