037: Who Are You When Survival Is No Longer Required?

Who Are You When Survival Is No Longer Required?

Have you ever felt like you’re still operating from an old version of yourself — the strong one, the fixer, the caretaker, the achiever, the one who never asks for help?

In this Identity, Passion & Purpose Saturday episode, Fredricka shares a teaching from her recent retreat work in Costa Rica about the difference between a survival identity and a regulated identity.

The version of you that helped you survive deserves respect. But she may not be the version meant to lead your next chapter.

In this episode, you’ll explore:

✅ What a survival identity is
✅ Why survival patterns often stay long after the crisis is over
✅ How your language reveals whether you’re living from survival or possibility
✅ The difference between “I have to” and “I choose to”
✅ Why being rooted, resilient, and limitless begins with identity
✅ How to honor the woman who survived while making room for the woman who gets to thrive

Reflection questions from this episode:

Who did I become in order to survive?
How has that version of me helped me?
What is that version of me costing me now?
Who am I becoming?
What parts of myself are ready to come home?

Join the conversation inside Limitless Living for Women Who Want More and share what survival identity you discovered and what you are choosing instead.

Website: FredrickaDavis.com
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1D2EmaJxhj/

Grab Your Free Reset Guide and more at www.fredrickadavis.com

Continue the conversation inside the here: Limitless Living community.

If this episode resonated with you, you can also send Fredricka a message through the Fan Mail link in the show notes. Your questions may be featured in a future episode.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome back to the Limitless A Living podcast. I'm Frederica Davis, creator of the Limitless Reset Method. And every Saturday we explore identity, passion, purpose, personal growth, and whatever it takes to create a life that feels aligned with who you truly are. So today's conversation comes directly from a teaching I shared recently while I was facilitating a women's retreat in Costa Rica. It was one of the topics that seemed to really resonate deeply with the women there. And honestly, I think it resonates because almost all of us have experienced this at some point in our lives. For many of us, at some point in our lives, we become someone in order to survive. And that version of us, that someone, is honestly often brilliant and strong and capable. She's often resourceful and determined, protective, independent, maybe responsible. You know, that version of you may have gotten you through some really, really, really hard times. But what happens when we're in that version of ourselves, that survival for so long, and then we get to where it's no longer required, we don't know what is happening or what to do with ourselves or who we are. So the question is: what happens when survival is no longer required? And who do you become then? What happens when the circumstances change, but your identity stays the same? What you believe about yourself and your identity stays the same. That's what we're going to talk about today. I wanted to start with one simple question. Who are you when survival is no longer required? So really take a minute to think about that. If you've had to live in survival mode, even if you're not right now, but you had to be for, the question is, who are you now that you're no longer in that survival mode? Are you still believing and thinking that you're the same person? Or maybe you're in that survival mode. What happens when you no longer have to be in that survival mode? Who do you become then? Do you stay stuck in your survival behaviors? And those thoughts, there are specific thoughts that attach themselves to your way of thinking that develop as patterns when we are in this survival state. Now, this is a question most people never really ask themselves, I know. And whether you've thought about this before or not, I'm going to guess there's a good chance that you have actually lived some version of this and what I'm about to describe. We spend so much time figuring out how to get through the hard times, how to handle the hard stuff, the big stuff, the survival seasons, that we actually never stop and ask ourselves, who am I now? Who am I beyond the survival? So if you followed me for any length of time, you know I didn't exactly have a smooth path in life in general. I've had health challenges throughout most of my entire life. Decades and decades. I've had financial challenges, relationship challenges, family challenges, abandonment wounds, business challenges, um, world challenges. You know, there's all kinds of challenges, right? Parenting, co-parenting challenges. It doesn't matter what it is, there's challenges. I have lived through all of those caretaking challenges. The this, the that, the other thing, all the stuff, all the things so many of us experience in different ways throughout life. So many of them I've gone through. And there were moments where I genuinely had to become strong to get through them. And I know so many of you listening to this right now can relate to this. And those moments, you know, there were moments where I had to figure things out and felt like I had no one to turn to. I just really had to become this superwoman power, right? Or at least I had to tell myself that. Ever feel like you're trying to tell yourself that, but you're not quite feeling like that. And those are the moments where I had to carry more than I ever, ever, ever wanted to carry. I'm betting some of you are really relating to this, it's hitting home. So here's the thing. I am genuinely grateful for that version of me, the version that got me through all of that. But what I realized is this the woman who helped me survive all of that, that woman inside me, the woman I pulled up from deep down in the depths and became because I needed to, isn't necessarily the woman who is meant to lead my entire life forever, on and on and on, or my next chapter. Now, this is a huge realization. I don't know if this is landing for you, but maybe you've been feeling a little something like that too. Maybe you've been feeling like a little something is off. Maybe you're just sick of who you have had to be for so long. Maybe you're tired, tired of always being the strong one, tired of always holding everything together for everybody. Maybe you're tired of operating like your whole life depends on you staying guarded, productive, responsible, 10 steps ahead. That might be your sign. Survival identities are incredibly useful when we need them. I'm not going to tell you that they're bad, not at all. They're not. They are useful until all of a sudden they're not. A survival identity is the version of yourself that developed to keep you safe. Maybe you became the caretaker, or you were the fixer, or the person who got to be responsible, wound up responsible for everything. How about the achiever, always proving yourself, overachieving even? How about the peacemaker or the strong one all the time, or the independent one? The one where, you know, you just make it so you don't need anybody because maybe you were let down a few times when you depended on people. Maybe you even became the invisible one. Being quiet and small and unseen or easy was part of how you survived. Maybe you became more of the perfectionist, maybe stuck in perfectionism over and over and over again. Or the people pleaser, the workhorse, the one who never asks for help. I go on, I can literally go on and on. The one who never slows down, who always looks like she's got everything together. Now listen, I have identified quite frankly with all of these at some point or another. Some of them I can still identify with if I'm not paying attention. So if any of these sound familiar to you, I want you to understand something. These identities do, they absolutely do not happen by accident. We don't pop out of the womb as children with all these survival identities. They are adaptations. They are old, intelligent responses to difficult situations. The problem is that many of us continue living from those identities long after we actually need them. So one of the easiest ways to identify a survival identity and whether it's still in you, necessary to you or not, is to start listening to your language. Listening to what you say and listening to what you think inside your own head. What's your self-talk? So a survival identity is going to often sound like sentences that start with, I have to, I need to, I should, I can't. And if I don't do it, nobody will. It's all on me. I don't have a choice. I'll rest when everything is done. Or I just need to push through. I just need to get to the other side. I have to hold it all together. Now, did seriously be honest, did any of these sound like familiar things that you say frequently? Because if they are, you're living in a survival identity. Whether you are in need of it right now or not, that's where you're at. So maybe you're well past needing that identity, but it's still playing in your head. Now compare that to what a regulated identity might sound like. A regulated identity sounds more like I choose to, I get to, I can ask for help, I can take a break, I have options, I trust myself. I can handle this without carrying all of it. I don't have to prove my worth. Do you hear the difference in these statements? Whether you're saying them out loud or you're thinking them in your head, and usually the biggest culprit is what we think in our head, and then we start saying them out loud, so then we reinforce what was already in our head. It's a vicious cycle. So one of these ways, the survival identity way, feels contracted and tight. Whereas the regulated way of thinking and speaking, that should feel expanded. One way feels like survival and the other feels like possibility. And dare I even say strength. And I mean inner strength when I say strength. It's a very different thing to say, I have to, I need to, I should, versus I choose to, I get to, I can. That language really matters because your language reveals your identity, and your identity starts shaping your behavior. One of the things I noticed at the retreat was how many women were standing right at the edge of a new chapter in their lives, in themselves. Some were retired, some were widowed, some were rebuilding, some were healing. I had others that were, you know, just asking themselves, okay, what's next? And what became clear was that many of them no longer needed the identities that had carried them for so long. Now, for some of them, this was decades, decades and decades. We had, you know, there was one woman there who had carried an identity for almost 80 years and didn't fully know who she was without it. And I want you to think about that. How long have you carried an identity around with you? How long have you been operating from a version of yourself that maybe you no longer need? Or maybe you only need a little bit of her now, but you don't need her all the time. So if you've spent 30 years being the caretaker, five years, 10 years, whatever, who are you when you stop taking care of everyone else? If you spent decades proving yourself, who are you when there's nothing left to prove? If you've spent your life being the strong one, who are you when you allow yourself to receive, to actually receive support? These are powerful questions. And I want you to really sit with these. Sometimes they're really uncomfortable questions, too. You're gonna hear me talk a lot about three words as we move forward and continue on, because I think these three words can really change how you operate when you identify, so to speak, with them. Now, this is where my own framework comes in. Being rooted means knowing who you are underneath all the roles. Being resilient means navigating life's challenges without losing yourself in the process. Being limitless means refusing to be defined by old identities that no longer fit. That is what so many women are being called into right now. Not becoming someone completely new, but becoming, but actually coming home to who you've always been underneath all the survival patterns. So I want to give you a few questions this week. And I don't want you to rush these. If you've got your journal while you're listening, you can do it now or jot them down or come back to this later. I'll put them in the show notes too. But don't rush them. Really sit with them. So question number one: who did I become in order to survive? What roles did I take on? What patterns did I develop? What identity did I step into? What beliefs became attached to that? That's question number one. All of that, just to give you some prompting. Question number two, how has that version of me helped me? Because honestly, we are not here to judge that version of you. We're here to honor her. She got you here, she helped you survive. That's a beautiful thing. And question number three, what is that version of me costing me now? Where is that identity limiting me? Where is it keeping me small? Where is it keeping me exhausted? Where is it keeping me disconnected? Okay. Question number four. Who am I becoming now? Now, this is not who you should you become, not who should I become, not who does someone else want me to become, but rather who am I becoming? Final question. Question number five. What parts of myself are ready to come home? Is it the playful part? The creative part? The adventurous part? Maybe it's a rested part of you. Or joyful or curious. Maybe it's the woman who trusts herself again. Maybe it's the woman who is able to receive it. Maybe it's the woman who doesn't have to prove anything. What parts of myself are ready to come home? So this week, here is what I want you to notice. Every time I you catch yourself saying, I have to, I need to, I should, pause. Push your pause button. In one of our episodes, I talked about having an imaginary pause button on maybe one hand. I have mine like right between my index finger and my thumb. So no matter where I am with whether I'm with people and no matter what I'm doing, I can always push my pause button kind of indiscreetly and remind myself to take a breath, pause, and think, no matter what's going on. That can be a phenomenal tool, but push your pause button, right? So after you've said, I have to, I need to, I should, pause. Ask yourself then, is this actually true? Or is this my survival identity talking again? And then I want you to try replacing it with, I choose to, I get to, I want to, I decided to. And watch what changes. Now, for example, none of us love sitting down to do finances, pay bills, handle paperwork, or all of the adulting things that we must do, right? But instead of saying I have to sit down and do the bills, oh, I hate doing the bills. What if you said I get to sit down and take care of my finances? I'm grateful I am so capable of doing this. Now, is that going to magically pay your bills and make it your favorite thing? Absolutely not. But let's get real here. It changes the energy around it. It moves you from powerless in the feeling of doing that to responsible and to an actionable step that you chose and you're coming from your own power. You see the difference? It moves you from feeling trapped to capable, or from resenting it to choosing it. That's a huge emotional mental shift. And the goal is not to eliminate the survival version of yourself. The goal is to thank her, honor her, and appreciate her. Then to allow yourself to become more than her. Your survival self will still be there if you ever need her again. She's not going anywhere. But who you are when you become more than just your survival self, who is that person? Because the version of you that survived deserves immense respect. But who are you when you become more than just your survival self? Because that version, that version of you that survived deserves immense respect. That version of you that gets to thrive now, though, that version deserves a chance. And it won't have a chance unless you can move from the survival identity to the regulated identity. And maybe this is what the next chapter is really about for you. Not becoming someone different, but coming home to yourself and honoring the parts that need to be honored. Allowing the other parts of you, the parts that bring joy and peace and alignment, you know, the passion, the purpose, all the thriving into your life, to finally have enough room to breathe. So as I wrap this up, if this episode is resonating with you, I would love to hear from you. Give us a review, share this with somebody who might need to hear this, and come join us inside the Limitless Living group for women who want more on Facebook and tell us what was the survival identity that you discovered? What part of yourself did you find that is ready to come home to yourself? Maybe what are you choosing instead? Start the conversation, join the conversation. You can also learn more about the limitless reset method, coaching opportunities, upcoming experiences, and more at frederica davis.com. So until next time, stay rooted, stay resilient, and be limitless. Remember, your next chapter may not require the same version of you, but your last chapter is. So take care until next time.