[104] Why WHEN you say the thing, matters just as much as WHAT you say

There's an old American proverb Katie opens with today: timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. And it turns out, the same is true for conversations.

We spend a lot of energy thinking about what to say and how to say it. But this episode is about the variable we often underestimate — the moment we choose to say it in.

In this episode, Katie explores:

• Why even well-considered, carefully worded communication can struggle to land when the timing is off
• The two timing traps: saying it too quickly (in the middle of frustration or pressure) and waiting too long until the weight behind the conversation has built for years
• Why every conversation lands inside a moment — and that moment has its own state
• How to become more intentional with timing without overthinking or avoiding
• Why both people in a conversation have the right to advocate for better timing

The reframe: It's not about getting the timing perfect. It's about becoming more intentional with the moment you choose.

The question to carry with you: What kind of moment is this? Not to avoid the conversation — just to notice it.

Connect with Katie on Instagram or Facebook @katie.godden Strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back. My name is Katie Gotten, and I am a farm business communication advisor, supporting farming families and rural leaders to have the kinds of conversations that protect the legacy. In this podcast, we explore leadership through the lens of communication, the patterns that show up in families and teams, the moments where conversations go sideways, and the small shifts that can bring us back to steady again. Let's get into today's conversation. Hello and welcome back to Communication Unearthed. I have a quote today that I'd like to open with because this quote has always been in my realm and I've just never really known what to do with it. But today I'm really excited to share it with you. A little bit of insight into me is that I've always been a curious person, curious about different cultures, different ways of doing things, different beliefs, uh, different things from the past. So wisdom that we can receive from that, and also how people see the future and things coming, and I've stayed really curious there. And there's this old American proverb that I want to start with that says, timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. And I want to start here today because that line actually points to something that is often underestimated or misunderstood or not given the attention that it needs, or given too much attention. And so there's this real nuance and dynamic around it because it it may have even been questioned. Now, this is the word of timing. Because when it comes to conversations, it's not necessarily just about what is said, which we're gonna find out more and more about this as we go through communication unearthed. And sometimes it's not even about how it is said. Sometimes it can actually be about the moment that it is said in. So stay with me here. Timing is a really, really interesting and nuanced aspect of communication because sometimes we speak quickly, sometimes we might speak in the middle of frustration or pressure, and sometimes we might not. We might actually wait, pause, overthink it, try and find the right moment. We tell ourselves this narrative that, oh, I'll bring it up later when things are calmer, when they haven't got so much on, when we've moved through branding, or we've moved through the end of the school holidays, or we've moved through insert whatever it is for you. And the piece I want to point out here is that it's not that timing isn't considered, it's that timing is often uncertain. And timing can have a lot of sway when it comes to conversations. The challenge that we face with timing here is that it can it can be hard to read or hard to judge. And that comes down to our perceptions, our beliefs, the way we see the world, how we believe the world should be or people should communicate. And let me dive in here with a bit of an example. Let stay with me and let's bring it a little bit closer to home. So we might actually recognize something through this. Maybe you've taken the time to think something through thoroughly. You've chosen your words incredibly carefully. And when you say it, it doesn't quite land the way you expect it. Maybe it comes across as blunt, maybe it comes across as like a side swipe, or it might get brushed off and it might not even be considered as like a pfft, whatever, not taken seriously. And then what tends to happen, the conversation can shift in a way that feels like it's a little bit tighter than it was meant to, or that it's a little bit lighter and just blown away in the breeze. Now, here's one thing that I could like to consider is that what we see the pattern as is sometimes the other person might actually go quiet, or they might become a bit guarded, or they might respond in a way that feels like something slightly off. And then we sit there thinking, oh my gosh, that is not what I meant. Or, man, that's not the way I imagined it going. I thought it would land better than that. And so here's the distinction that I'd love to offer in this conversation is even well-considered communication. It can sometimes struggle to land when the timing isn't aligned. Not because anything was wrong with what was said, but because of the moment it landed in. I know there have been times with my kids, for example, where they have come with something and I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, I've got things on the stove, I'm balancing, going out to the barbecue, I'm here, I'm there, I'm up, I'm down, I'm round, I'm doing all of these things, and they try and say something in that moment and it's just lost on me. And so I will be sharper, I might just dismiss the comment or the conversation, I might have just brushed it away or gone, oh my gosh, this is not the time. Like, guys, read the room. Now, this of course is an extreme example, but I think it makes it really clear for us to grab a hold of. Because no conversation actually happens in isolation. Every conversation sits inside a moment, and that moment has a state of being. So if we consider about my kids, right, I have a state of being when they're trying to have that conversation with me. Now, I've trained them out of that, and they no longer come at that time. But they had to learn that skill. So let's dive to the other person. So the other person might actually be already under an immense amount of pressure. They might already be carrying something from earlier, they might already be feeling misunderstood, or already trying to hold things together, or they may just have other things on their mind and their mind's not quite in the right frame to receive that information. It could be that it hasn't been set up in a way. It might be that they're just about to head into a meeting or they're they're just about to have this conversation or they've just received an email from someone that says something, or they're about trying to organize the kids and get things ready and they're booking appointments, whatever it might be, whatever the load is that that person's under. And so even if our words are steady, they don't necessarily land on neutral ground. They're landing in a system that's already active. And the same can happen if the person is relaxed or calm, or you know, they're going through a phase of where they're in a creative zone where they're actually building, creating, doing these things, and nothing's actually bad, but it's like, uh, just not sure. But if we bring in something totally left field, their mind has to recalibrate and readjust so that it can meet you where you're at. And if there isn't quite space right now, or if the timing is that we've left it really long and now there's like a hundred million things that have built up behind the scene because it's been three years in this conversation coming. I know you know what I'm talking about. So we've we've really got to think about the timing and not overthink it or underthink it. Because I've also seen where some people come in and they'll just say it as it is. And yes, that may be required at times. We also want to consider well, is this a requirement right now or is it later? And you get to be discerning about that. So everything we discuss here today, it's like we always need to be self-led and we need to be discerning about when is it appropriate and noticing when it's an old pattern of unresourceful communication or an old pattern of communication that doesn't serve us. And that might be that we say it short and sharp and it needs to be said and framed correctly, or it could be that we leave it really long because we're an avoider or an accommodator. And so we need to take all of this into consideration. Uh, let me come at this from another angle as well. So if we think about the difference between raising something that's important at the end of a long day, or when someone's tired, or when something else hasn't quite been resolved, versus raising the same thing when there's a bit more space, when things feel settled, when the conversation isn't already carrying weight. Same topic, same intention, but a different outcome. And this is the part where it gets a little tricky because it's not black and white. It's not yes or no. It's a consideration that we need to take in. There's an intention behind it because most conversations don't happen in perfect conditions and they don't need to either. They just need to happen in real life. Sometimes it's in between things, sometimes it's under pressure, sometimes it's when people are tired, when they are stretched already or already thinking about something else. So timing isn't something we always control, but it's something that we can become more aware of. Let me say that again. Timing isn't something we always control, but it's something that we can become more aware of. So here's something that I'd love to just invite you to consider. Here's a different way of thinking. It's not about getting the timing perfect, it's about becoming more intentional with the moment that you choose. Sometimes it might look like pausing, sometimes it might look like waiting, or sometimes it might be like noticing that now is the moment. It could be something as simple as this. This might not be the best time to get into this, but I'd like to come back to it. That could be something that we could say. Now it doesn't avoid the conversation, but it gives it a chance of landing when it happens. Because sometimes in conversation, as well, if we look at the other side, as we consider this, is that sometimes it needs to be said in the moment. We we need to say it now, it needs to be said now. And the longer that we leave it, the harder the conversation becomes. If we address it then and there in the moment, that sometimes that is the best option, that is the best for the outcome that we're after. And and other times we need to consider whether actually isn't right now going to get us, and this is probably the thinking behind it, having this conversation right now, is that going to lead us to the greatest chance of having success in this conversation or moving towards an outcome or moving forward here? And so considering that as we think about what we want to say, and this is, I guess, where leadership shows up in a subtle way, in not what you say, but how you begin to read the moment. Because when the timing is ideal, you don't need perfect words. And when the timing is not ideal, even very considered words can actually struggle to land. And sometimes, you know what, you might even just need to put it out there and see what response you get and move forward from there. Because we also need to remember that people have advocacy to say, hey, listen, I can see that this is really important to you, yet right now I'm not in the right thinking space to be able to answer this respectfully or to dive into this topic. Could we talk about it tomorrow? They also have that advocacy. It's not just about us. We we get to also trust in that person's ability to speak up for themselves and let you know whether this is right or not. And same vice versa for you. If you receive something that's not good timing for you, you get to advocate for yourself. Which is exactly what I did with my kids when they would come in and try and have these conversations with me right when I was in the middle of the storm of cooking dinner. So I'd love to leave you with this. The the next time that something feels important to say, just pause for a moment and ask yourself, what kind of moment is this? Not to avoid it, not to overthink it, just to notice it because that awareness alone can change how the conversation unfolds. Thank you for being here, and I look forward to hearing what your insights are from this and and how you can see yourself maybe applying this in different aspects of your life, whether it's you're the one that's approaching a conversation or the one that's receiving the timing of this conversation. All right, I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. Thanks for joining me for this conversation. If something in this episode was useful to you or gave you a new way of looking at a conversation in your world, I am so glad that you were here. And if it's the kind of conversation someone else in your family or team would love to hear as well, feel free to share this episode with them. And as always, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook via katy.gotten. I really enjoy hearing what conversations people are navigating out there and what they also take away from these conversations. So until next time, take care and remember strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.