[105] Are You Playing the Right Role in This Conversation?

Katie opens this episode with a story from lockdown 2020 — her son Cooper, a piece of English schoolwork, and a moment where she caught herself about to step into the wrong role entirely.

It's a story most of us will recognise in some form. Because in conversations, we're rarely just ourselves. We're showing up as the fixer, the educator, the peacekeeper, the explainer — often automatically, often without realising it's happening at all.

In this episode, Katie explores:

• How the role we step into shapes how the other person experiences the entire conversation — often more than our words do
• Why these automatic roles aren't wrong (they've developed for good reason and they work) but can create disconnection when they're not what's actually needed
• The simple question she asked Cooper that changed everything: "Do you want me to look at this as your teacher, or as your mum?"
• Why awareness of the role you're playing — without judgment — is the first step to being able to choose differently
• How small shifts (pausing instead of fixing, asking instead of answering, staying with someone instead of moving them forward) can change the quality of connection

The invitation this week: Notice how you're showing up. What role are you playing right now? Not to change it immediately — just to see it. Because once you can see it, you can choose.

Connect with Katie on Instagram or Facebook @katie.godden Strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome back. My name is Katie Gotten, and I am a farm business communication advisor, supporting farming families and rural leaders to have the kinds of conversations that protect the legacy. In this podcast, we explore leadership through the lens of communication, the patterns that show up in families and teams, the moments where conversations go sideways, and the small shifts that can bring us back to steady again. Let's get into today's conversation. Hello and welcome back. I am hoping that you've got a couple or you've really got some intentional time to listen to this today because I really want to start off today a little bit differently. I want to start by telling you a story. Back in 2020, when we went into lockdown, my boys at that stage were still in primary school. So I had Coop who was in year six and Lucas, who was in year four. And like a lot of people at the time, I suddenly found myself not just being a mum, but I also found myself stepping into helping them with their schooling day-to-day, helping them transition, keep their friendships afloat, work through everything that was going on. And now a lot of people thought that this would be really easy for me because I had a teaching background, because I already knew what I was doing in order to homeschool my kids. But there was something really interesting that unfolded for me. Now, being a teacher, training teachers, working in education, there was part of me that actually knew exactly how to do all of that. How to guide my kids, how to scaffold things so that they could make the leaps that they needed, that they were learning. I knew the curriculum. I knew how to adjust and the feedback that they needed in order to next level their work. And I also knew how to get the best out of them as a teacher from the teaching lens. And funnily enough, at the same time, we were living in it full-time. And what I started to notice was this: that the way I was showing up in certain conversations wasn't always creating the connection that I hoped that it would. In fact, at times, it was actually creating more frustration, irritation, more tension, and more disconnect. And that really made me pause because my whole mission is to stay connected with my kids over a lifetime and beyond. And there's one particular moment that I wanted to share with you that has really set a stage inside of my thinking. I walked into Coop one day while he was doing his schoolwork just to check in. And he's quite a self-led kid. So he was just getting on with the work. It was all set out and structured. And I said, How are you doing, mate? And he asked me to have a look at what he'd done for his English assessment. So I stood there, I read his work, and I caught myself because I could feel, oh my gosh, it was, I could feel it. I could feel that part of me that started to come in, the teacher, the educator, and the one that evaluates, the one that gives feedback, the one that shows areas of improvement. And I just paused. Because at that point, I'd really started to realize the way I was stepping into those moments, even though it was all of me, it was only one element of the role that I play in their lives. And it was shaping how they experienced me. And it wasn't going towards the outcome that I wanted, which was connection. Now, what happened from there is instead of me just responding, so I really had to pull back, I just simply asked him a question and I said, Hey mate, do you want me to look at this through the lens of a teacher? Or do you want me to look at it as your mum? Now he paused for a minute. He looked around, searching for what he actually wanted, and you could see it. You could see his eyes darting. He was really thinking about it. And then he just said to me straight, as mum. And that moment really shifted something. It it's really played a pivotal part in how I approach conversations or how I desire to approach conversations moving forward. Because not just in that conversation, but how we connected through the whole period, it made this really clear. In conversations, we're not just speaking as ourselves. We're often stepping into something. We might be stepping into a way of being or a way of responding that might feel familiar. And most of the time we don't even realize it. It just happens so automatically. Now, sometimes we can be stepping in maybe as the fixer, the one who jumps in and solves everything. Sometimes it might be the one who keeps the peace, who keeps harmony, the one who smooths things over despite what they need. Sometimes it's the one who explains, the one who brings clarity and direction. And none of these are wrong by any means at all. They're actually really, really useful when used in a healthy manner. Because they've usually developed over time. Number one, because it's part of who we are as a human, part of our profiling, part of our design. And the other thing is that they've worked. They've worked for so long. And it might shift and change depending on the context. But what I started to really not only see but feel, both in that moment with Coop and in so many conversations since, is that the way we show up doesn't just affect us. It shapes how the person experiences the conversation and how we experience it as well. So here's the distinction that I'd love to put forward is that in conversations, people aren't just responding to what you say or what you're inviting them to think about. They're responding to how you're showing up and often more than words themselves. And it's a role that we start to take on. It's a role that we're playing. So with Coop, it was like, do I need to be in the role of teacher, educator, or do I need to be in my role as a mum? Now, in that moment with him, if I'd responded as the teacher, he would have received feedback, maybe some correction, some direction. And that may have been absolute gold and useful and valuable and exactly what he needed. But that's only from my perspective. It wouldn't have been what he actually needed in that moment because he asked me for a reason. What he needed was connection, encouragement, someone to be with him in this. And that little bit of praise and appreciation for the effort that he was putting in. And this shows up everywhere in our lives. It shows up in our families, it shows up in our teams, in working relationships. We step into roles automatically, not because we're trying to, but because they're familiar, we know them and we think this is the one that's needed. And from our perspective, it very well may be. What we need to take into consideration without losing ourselves is actually what the other person needs as well. And when we step into these roles automatically, they're practiced. This is why it happens. And they feel like us. The teacher role for me is very easy to step into. The mum role is very easy to step into when I know which role I need to be in. Now I want to be really clear about something here. It's that this is not about changing who we are or removing any of those roles that are actually a huge part of our lives. You know, education was massive then. I'd only just stepped out of my teaching career and I was doing 50-50 of mentoring, coaching, and teaching. And so it was absolutely part of who I was, but they were elements. It's about becoming aware of the roles that we play, of these elements that we're good at. Because once you can see it, you then can make a choice. It's not just running the system automatically, which was what was happening before I had this conversation with Coop. I'd go into those bedrooms and you could see the stress it would put on Luke. You could see Coop shut down. And it was because I was entering those rooms not from a place of support and nurture and love, but from a place of education, of care, of concern, of helping them continue to evolve and grow, even though situations were different. And sometimes the shift is really small. Sometimes it can be just pausing instead of fixing. Just acknowledging what's going on. Sometimes it might be staying with someone instead of moving them forward. Instead of trying to make it better or what's the next growth thing is actually being with them. It might be asking a question instead of giving an answer. It might be, like I did, clarifying my role in this conversation. Because in my mind, the context was education, so I was just in that role. However, that was not what was needed. And what I noticed over the time was that we got more connected because I stepped out of that role. I practiced more and more stepping into it and out of it and finding out what was needed for my kids. I like to think about it as nothing really majorly dramatic, but just a slightly different way of showing up. And I think this example we've shared here today is a really clear indication of that. So let me leave you with this. As you move through conversations this week, see if you can notice. Just notice to start with. How am I showing up right now? What role am I playing? Am I playing wife? Am I playing mum? Am I playing HR? Am I playing educator? Am I playing sister? Am I playing childlike? That's a whole nother conversation. However, I want you to I want you to look at this without judgment. This is literally data gathering. Not to change it, not to judge it, simply to notice it. In a lot of my trainings, I talk about noticing what you notice. And this is one of those moments because that awareness alone can change the way a conversation unfolds, as it did for Coop and I. Take that with you. Let me know. Come back. Let me know about the roles you play in your family. Again, thanks for being here. I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for joining me for this conversation. If something in this episode was useful to you or gave you a new way of looking at a conversation in your world, I am so glad that you were here. And if it's the kind of conversation someone else in your family or team would love to hear as well, feel free to share this episode with them. And as always, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook via katy.gotten. I really enjoy hearing what conversations people are navigating out there and what they also take away from these conversations. So until next time, take care and remember strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.