[106] What's Not Said: The Hidden Layer in Every Conversation

In every training room Katie has ever facilitated — regardless of industry, background, or size of the group — the same thing happens. Someone has something to say. You can see it on their face, in their energy, in the way they're sitting. And then they say nothing.

This episode is about that moment. And about all the versions of it that show up in families, teams, and everyday conversations.

In this episode, Katie explores:

• Why people hold back — and why it's almost never about not caring or not having the words
• The protection instinct: how people manage what feels safe, both for themselves and for others
• What happens to a conversation when something important never quite makes it in — the low-level tension, the decisions that don't feel fully settled, the things that circle back later
• How to notice what's sitting underneath without digging, pushing, or interrogating
• The simple phrases that create enough safety for someone to share more ("It feels like there might be a little more there you'd like to add...")
• Why naming what you notice — not analysing, just naming — can shift an entire conversation

The invitation this week: As you move through conversations, notice not just what's being said — but what might be sitting just underneath it. Stay curious. Stay present. That awareness alone changes how you respond.

Connect with Katie on Instagram or Facebook @katie.godden Strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back. My name is Katie Gotten, and I am a farm business communication advisor, supporting farming families and rural leaders to have the kinds of conversations that protect the legacy. In this podcast, we explore leadership through the lens of communication, the patterns that show up in families and teams, the moments where conversations go sideways, and the small shifts that can bring us back to steady again. Let's get into today's conversation. Hello and welcome back. I want to start today's conversation with something I see quite often in the training room. Now, when I say training room, I'm talking about everything from small group workshops through to multi-day trainings for businesses. And also on a larger scale with bigger rooms of people from different backgrounds, different industries, and often from different parts of the world. And there is one moment that shows up consistently. Guaranteed, it will happen at every single training. And it's this: there are times where I will ask a question and I get a huge response from people in the room. There are other times I'll ask a question, and you can see there are some people who are processing and talking, and they'll put their point forward. And there'll also be those people who you can see that they're processing it. You can see that they might have something that they want to say. There's movement happening internally. You can tell it's on their face, it's in their energy, it's the way that they're looking, their head tilt, the way their shoulders are sitting, the way their mouth moves, all of these things. And then they say nothing. And as the facilitator, as the trainer, I look at them and I think, I wonder what it is that's going on for them. I wonder what they want to say, but they're not yet saying. Now, sometimes what can happen also is that some of them will speak up. Someone might speak up, and they might say a version of what they actually want to say. They will adapt it slightly. It might be a softer version, it might be a safer version, a more cautious version, even. And what I love and find so fascinating about this is that often either if I'm live in person during the break, or later, if I'm doing an online version, they'll later message me either privately in the chat or they'll send me a voice clip. Someone will always come in and quietly on the side they'll say, I was thinking about something, and I just wanted to check in with you here. Now, it's not because they don't have the words, it's not because they weren't paying attention. It wasn't because they didn't care. Most of the time, these guys are really considerate. They're really kind, they're really deep in thought and taking the time to process what's going on for them. Most of the time, not every time, but most of the time, the reason that it occurs is because they're trying to protect something. They're trying to protect something. They might have been trying to protect themselves. They might be protecting themselves from how it might be received, or from the reaction that they believe could follow, from the possibility of getting it wrong and embarrassing themselves. Or maybe they were trying to protect someone else, or maybe even me, not wanting to add pressure, not wanting to challenge me, not wanting to create any tension, maybe even not wanting to say something that could shift the dynamic. And when you look at it like that, it makes sense, doesn't it? It actually makes sense that there's a protection. Because what's happening in that moment isn't about people avoiding the conversation. It's about people managing what feels safe for them and for others. And this just doesn't happen in training rooms. I know that it shows up in families. I know it shows up with my kids. I know it shows up in teams. We've had really deep conversations around this. I know it can show up in everyday conversations with friends, with your parents, with a colleague, where something could be said, but it isn't. And let's bring it a little bit closer to home for you. You might recognize it as a thought that you had but didn't voice. A question that you held back on because we don't have time, or oh, they won't understand me anyway, or uh, it's probably not relevant, and there's all these reasons behind it. Or it could be a feeling that you choose not to bring forward. You've just decided not to. And it's not necessarily because it didn't matter, but you were being discerning in that moment that it felt easier not to. It might feel easier to keep things steady. It might feel easier to not add anything else. Or protect what's already there. I don't want to rock the boat. And what happens is the conversation just continues. But not quite fully. You know those moments where it's not quite? Something feels a little off? Maybe something's circling. Um, maybe there's a bit more tension that doesn't quite go away. Or maybe the decisions don't actually full feel, sorry, they don't actually feel fully settled. We can all remember a time like that, can't we? And it's not there's no blame here, right? There's no blame here. We haven't done anything wrong. But because something important never quite made it into the conversation now there are times where actually something doesn't need to be said, and there are other times where it needs to be said, and if it's not, it can lead to resentment. So here's my invitation, as I do every episode, I I want to invite you to think about this. When something isn't said, could it be about the weight that saying it might carry? I don't know. And this is where your role in the conversation becomes important, which we spoke about in the previous episode. We're not there to force it out of someone. We're not there to push for answers, but to recognize what might be sitting underneath. And this is where we need to become fully present with the conversation, the person we're with, the context in which we're sitting, the movements and the nuances and the energy within that, the temperature of the room. We need to be so fully present with that in our conversation so that we can make sure that we see these little nuances and we adjust the conversation. So sometimes when I'm facilitating meetings, what can happen is you can see someone sitting to the side as a facilitator. I can see people sitting to the side not saying anything. And so sometimes during the conversation, I just need to pause it and ask that person for their input. Hey, what are your thoughts around this? Hey, I'm just curious. I can really see your thinking about what's going on. What would you like to add to this conversation? So you can notice in this, I give a little space. There's no rushing to fill the silence. We've got to make sure we let it breathe. And sometimes people need an invitation to share more, to know that it's safe to share more, to know that it's okay to have a difference of opinion or to actually speak in this moment and not let it go. Even if they say, actually, I'm not sure what it is just yet. Great. You can tell at least that they're processing. So in these moments, what I like to be doing is really naming what I notice. Not interrogating, not criticizing, judging, not saying to them, gosh, you're quiet today. What's going on? Is everything all right? Whoa! We'll back Bessie. One of the greatest ways that I started to do this with my kids, with others in big training rooms is it feels like there might be a little bit more there that you'd like to add. Because quite often, once something is named, once something real is named, the whole conversation can just shift. And it doesn't mean that we have to have the problem solved by any means, but it's because it's been seen. This level of acknowledgement, this place that it ah, here it is. It's not hidden anymore. So I want to leave you with this in this conversation is as you move forward this week, if you can notice not just what's being said, but what might be sitting just underneath it, no need to dig or analyze, just stay aware and stay curious because that awareness alone can change how you respond. And that change in the conversation can create something greater than you could ever expect. Alright, thanks for being here. I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for joining me for this conversation. If something in this episode was useful to you or gave you a new way of looking at a conversation in your world, I am so glad that you were here. And if it's the kind of conversation someone else in your family or team would love to hear as well, feel free to share this episode with them. And as always, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook via katy.godden. I really enjoy hearing what conversations people are navigating out there and what they also take away from these conversations. So until next time, take care and remember strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.