[108] What Changes When One Person Shows Up Differently

We spend a lot of energy trying to change conversations by changing other people — hoping they'll react differently, listen better, calm down. But Katie has noticed something else entirely: often the biggest shift in a conversation happens when just one person holds themselves differently inside it.

This episode is about that shift. And it starts before you even open your mouth.

In this episode, Katie explores:

• Why conversations are never just exchanges of information — they're exchanges of nervous system energy
• How your body, tone, pace, and presence enter the room before your words do
• A lesson from growing up on the farm: "Whatever you're feeling, the animal will feel it through the halter" — and why people aren't so different
• Why rehearsing a conversation in your head (and pre-loading it with tension) shapes how it unfolds before it's even begun
• The internal position we hold before we speak — and why it matters more than most people realise
• What it actually looks like in practice: pausing before responding, slowing your pace, softening your tone, choosing not to match someone else's escalation

The distinction to sit with: It's not about using better words. It's about becoming steadier while saying them.

The question to carry with you: Before thinking about what you want to say — how do I want to hold myself in this conversation?

Connect with Katie on Instagram or Facebook @katie.godden Strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back. My name is Katie Gotten, and I am a farm business communication advisor, supporting farming families and rural leaders to have the kinds of conversations that protect the legacy. In this podcast, we explore leadership through the lens of communication, the patterns that show up in families and teams, the moments where conversations go sideways, and the small shifts that can bring us back to steady again. Let's get into today's conversation. Hello and welcome back to Communication Unearthed. I've actually been thinking a lot lately about how quickly people try to change conversations by changing other people. Trying to get someone to understand differently, to react differently, to communicate differently, or to calm down differently. And while all of those things can matter, what I've noticed over time is this: that sometimes the biggest shift in a conversation comes when just one person holds themselves differently inside of it. Let that just sink in a little. It's not louder, not more dominant, not more polished. It is simply steadier. Maybe even more intentional, more considered, less reactive. They're more aware of actually what they're bringing into the interaction and how they want to show up. Because most people know what it feels like to walk into a conversation already emotionally loaded, or where someone else is emotionally loaded. Maybe they've rehearsed it in their head a hundred times, or maybe you've been frustrated before it even begins and already plotting about how it's going to unfold and what they're going to say, how it's going to happen, how you're going to feel. We've already designed in our mind the movie of what happens. So we might be anticipating that there's defensiveness, or that there's going to create more tension and it's going to build up. That maybe that person just shuts down and seems a little bit like they're holding contempt. Maybe that a conflict is going to come up, or even the fact of disappointment. And without actually realizing it and doing it intentionally, your body, your tone, your pace, your energy, they all enter the conversation before the words actually do. And this is important because conversations are never just exchanges in information. They're exchanges of nervous system energy too. People feel each other. They feel the urgency, the nervousness, the tension, the calm, the steadiness, the aggression, the defensiveness, even when nothing explicit has been said. And honestly, this is probably one of the things that made the most sense to me growing up on the farm. Dad used to actually say to us when we were learning to lead cattle, whatever you're feeling, the animal will feel it through the halter. And he said it over and over again in many different ways. So if I was tense, they'd feel it. If I was nervous, they'd feel it. If I was forceful or unsteady, they'd respond to that as well. If I was angry and irritated, they would meet me there. And that stayed with me for years. Because when I started really studying communication later in life, it all kind of clicked for me that humans aren't actually that different. Because people feel far more from us than just the words that we say. They feel the tension that's underneath those words, or whether there's steadiness with them. Sometimes they might feel your urgency, or maybe the groundedness that you come with and the certainty and confidence and conviction. And they feel this quite often before we've even fully started speaking. Who's ever had someone that's come to them and gone, uh oh, what's wrong? What's going on? And you haven't even spoken yet. My boys used to say to me, Hey mum, do you need to go and meditate? And I hadn't even said a word. Because people read people, and it happens at such a fast rate. I remember once preparing for a conversation that I knew really mattered, and I could feel myself tightening up before I even walked in. I could feel like that lump in my throat started. It almost was like I could hear my heart beating at a really loud point. And I'd already in my head played out a number of different versions of what was going to happen, different responses and reactions and ways that I could say it or what would be said. And then at one point, I just realized that if I enter the conversation from that place, the conversation was definitely going to follow it. And not because the other person was difficult or anything like that. It was ultimately because I was already bringing tension into the room. And that's when I started really paying much closer attention to something that now I talk about a lot that really matters enormously. And it's the position we hold ourselves in internally before we speak. How we enter a conversation actually has a huge influence and can shape them far more than most people actually realize. So here's the distinction that I would love to offer in this conversation today is that sometimes communication changes and it happens in the middle of a conversation, between conversations, and it's not usually because someone used a better word, but because someone became steadier while speaking to them. One of my clients even talks about it how she doesn't now have to be perfect in what she says. It's about how she shows up when she's saying it. Let that sit for a moment. It's about how she shows up when she's saying it. Because that's a very different way of thinking about communication. We often focus heavily on scripts, techniques, strategies, getting the words right. And of course, those absolutely help with our own inner power and our own ability to hold ourselves through a conversation. And underneath all of that, people are responding to the version of us that's showing up. I'll say that again. People are responding to the version of us that is showing up. This is a relational mechanic. They are responding to our pace. They are responding to our presence, our emotional steadiness. Whether we seem grounded or reactive, whether we feel like we're safe or unpredictable, and they're constantly doing this. Their beacon is alive for it. And all of this is happening under your conscious awareness. And it's also happening underneath theirs as well. This is what we're designed. We're designed to scan the environment for threats. And so everything that's happening, the tonality, the breath, the way you're holding your body, if your hands are tensed, if your shoulders are up and tight, people will notice it before they realize that they've noticed it. So this really does connect beautifully into what we've been talking about across this season so far. You know, timing, this silence with the story, what's being said, the roles that we step into. And underneath all of those things is really the question: how am I holding myself in this moment? And I I really think that this is where communication starts becoming a leadership piece. Not the loud sense or controlling things, but exactly what you guys know it is. The sense of being able to stay connected to yourself while staying connected in the conversation. And I'm not saying that it's easy, because there will be discomfort. There will be emotions that rise, and there will be times where the outcome feels uncertain, and that's okay because it's a human experience. Now, I'm gonna make this statement because I need to. This doesn't mean becoming an emotionless zombie or perfectly saying calm all the time. That's absolutely not realistic at all. And sometimes emotions are important in the conversation. Sometimes it lets people know that these things matter to us because there's a difference between feeling an emotion and comp being completely overtaken by it. When one person becomes a little bit steadier in a conversation, the whole conversation often changes shape. The pace will be different, the tone will change, the emotional temperature changes. Not always necessarily dramatically and huge, enough though. Enough for the conversation to continue or for us to find out what needs to happen next or make decisions or stay supported and connected. And so, therefore, something else that can then become possible in that moment. I want to really make sure we have this practical for you because sometimes the shift can be so incredibly small, and I want you to see it and I want you to know that it's available. It could simply be pausing before responding, slowing down as you respond, taking a breath throughout your conversation, just deepening or softening your tone slightly, and deciding for you that you're actually not going to match someone else's escalation. You get to choose something differently. And this is this is about us finding our true center and what we want to do when we show up in these moments, how we want to stay connected and show up. Because one of the things that I've learned over time, I mean, there's many things, is that when we practice becoming more of a grounded communication person, it's less about controlling other people and more about learning how to anchor yourself well inside those difficult moments. And when we can start to show up and practice this more consistently, people feel it, even if they can't explain why, they're gonna notice it. So let me leave you with this today in this conversation. As you walk into the next conversation that matters, or any conversation for that matter, before thinking about what you want to say, pause for a moment and just ask yourself, how do I want to hold myself or show up in this conversation? Because sometimes the thing that changes a conversation, it's the steadiness behind them. If something in this resonated with you today, I would love to invite you to take some time to really consider it and contemplate it and see how you can bring this practical application into your life. And if it's something that you also resonates with you that you want to share with a family member or a friend or a colleague, please go ahead and share this podcast with them. The more that we can branch this out, the stronger we become within our communication and therefore our system of humanity. Alright, thank you for being here, and I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for joining me for this conversation. If something in this episode was useful to you or gave you a new way of looking at a conversation in your world, I am so glad that you were here. And if it's the kind of conversation someone else in your family or team would love to hear as well, feel free to share this episode with them. And as always, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook via katy.godden. I really enjoy hearing what conversations people are navigating out there and what they also take away from these conversations. So until next time, take care and remember strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.