Seriously... Toxic AF

This week Celeste & Nikky dive into the messy world of toxic relationships. Speaking from personal experiences the girls get vulnerable in hopes of de-romanticizing the idea of toxicity. Tune in if you've ever questioned the health of a relationship or just want to feel seen in the chaotic world that is modern dating. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hello, hello. Hey. How you doing? I'm good. I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

How are you?

SPEAKER_00 0:17

I'm good. Wake up. What are you thinking about? You're in your head right now. No, for real. I am. This is a very, I think will be a heavy episode. A little bit. Just to give you guys a little heads up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can understand that. But before we get into it, are you doing anything fun this weekend? I don't know. I feel like my plans are in the making right now. Are you serious? Yeah. Haley, hit me up. Do you think you're gonna go? I don't know. Because if you go, I might have to go also. I get really nervous with spontaneous plans. I'm like, oh, I thought I knew what I was doing this weekend, but it might change. Like it I get a little nervous about stuff like that. But I'm trying to be more spontaneous and more adventurous. So maybe I'll go. I might have to cancel on some people. Well, I'm doing something tonight, and then Saturday I was supposed to go out. Oh, period. Oh. But I might have to cancel. Oh. Especially if you guys are going. You have so many plans though. Like you're gonna cancel on three different plans. Well, no, I would only cancel on two because you guys would be leaving tomorrow. Oh. So I'd only cancel Saturday night and Sunday night. That's so funny. You're like, everyone who's listening, remember how I told you I didn't feel good? I'm gonna have a soap. We're gonna be on a boat under the sun. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

I would be honest.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Good for you. Honesty is the best policy. Honesty is the best policy. Once you can tell my girl Celeste is in her feelings right now. I know instantly what kind of mood you're in by the tone of your voice. Really? Yes, dude. They're gonna be able to tell too, I swear. It's okay. It's not a bad thing. It's just you know how people have tells. I can tell you're like this because of this, and I can tell you're feeling this because of this. Your tell is your tone. Crazy. That's green, really. It's okay, girl. I love open books. I love reading. On this week's episode, we are gonna be talking about toxic relationships and everything that that entails, how detrimental they can be. And before we get into that, I think we just want to give a small little disclaimer that this is our experience, our truth, how we feel about toxic relationships, and our personal experiences, and it is just that it's personal to us and it is our perspective. And if anybody has a problem with that, then you're probably the person. It's your problem. Just kidding. In this week's episode, we are already starting with our Seriously Serious because we are seriously serious about toxic relationships and how detrimental they can be and how it's affected our life and how it's shaped us kind of to the woman that we are today, for better or for worse. We created this podcast because we wanted this to be our safe place, and I really feel like it is. So we feel comfortable sharing this on here, and want to thank you guys for giving us a safe place to talk about this, and we hope that you know that we're always here for you too. Yeah, so let's jump into it. So I kind of want to start by just saying what the definition of a toxic relationship is because I do think that we as a society throw that word around quite a bit. So per my Google search this morning, a toxic relationship is a partnership defined by consistent disrespect, manipulation, control, and a lack of support, which undermines a personal's well-being and emotional or physical safety. That's deep. Yeah, that's heavy. Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? I think that I have, unfortunately. I think I've been in one or two. Oh no. I know. I know, but you know, as I am talking about these, this is about not one particular person that I'm talking about. I want to share just different experiences that I've heard of from other women as well. So if you think this is about you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, maybe the shoe fits, maybe it doesn't. And that's your problem. Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? I think so. How'd you know? I don't think you ever know until like it's over. I mean, I don't know. I feel like there may have been points where I was in the relationship and I'd be like, this is toxic, this is not good for me. But I think you often, at least for me, I do try to see the best out of every situation and try to think myself out of it. Like I think I did a lot of that and I tried to just remember that whoever I was dealing with was a good person and blah blah blah, whatever, whatever. You love cloud your judgment. Yeah, you definitely I think that is like number one. If you have the thought that it's toxic, it more than it is. Yeah, that is true. But I also feel like I didn't really realize the extent of it until I was out of the situation. I think that's really common, actually. I think one of my relationships, it was pretty toxic pretty soon into the relationship, and I could recognize that, and I was like, okay, this needs to end before it really begins. And another relationship that I was in didn't really start toxic. It was really nice and beautiful in the beginning for a while, and then it just turned into something not so good. And I was able to recognize it in the moment, but I think it's really common that you don't realize it until you're really reflecting on it after. Yeah, definitely a hard hit, but I think it's a good hit when you start realizing it or when you're finally in that state of mind. But I think it's a it's a good common hit that a lot of people go through. Yeah, for sure. How did you know that you were in a toxic relationship? Like I said, one of them I I knew pretty early on there were some obvious signs. He was out of his mind. But pretty early on I could tell because he was just very controlling. He didn't like me to be friends with the opposite sex, and he was just so over involved in every single thing that I did. He just wanted to know every detail of my day. And one time, this sounds so crazy. One time I was taking a nap uh because we were in college and it was between classes, and I kind of woke up a little bit to him putting my phone in front of my face to try to unlock my phone. He just wanted to control everything, he just wanted to be in queries that in todo, you know, like just know everything. And he also had a lot of other I mean, that story is so long, that's like a whole thing on its own. But it was a pretty short relationship, and it probably was one of the most traumatic relationship I've ever been in. But it started as toxicity, and I recognized it pretty soon. But I've also been in a relationship where it didn't start toxic, it started very loving and I would say as healthy as can be when you're starting off a relationship, but he was very condescending, and I think he was just such a gaslighter. Oh my gosh, I could never be right in everything. Leaving that relationship made me feel that I had the worst memory on earth because of just how he made me how traumatic it was. But also, yes, the trauma, but just I would be like, No, you you did this, and he's like, No, when did I do that? No, there's no way. Or he would tell me, for example, one time we were in an argument and we're going back and forth, and he was like, What did you just say? And I don't know, what did I say? And he had said that I said something pretty bad, like pretty physical. And I knew for a fact that I didn't say that. I would never say something like that to anybody, much less the person that I love. Yeah. And I remember that night after the argument kind of sizzled down, I just knew that we were kind of at a point in a relationship where we couldn't go back, and that it probably would only get worse from there. So that's my experience with toxic relationships, and those are the moments that I kind of recognize that things were pretty bad. And the sad truth, I think, is that I think anything can get better, but most of the time they don't when it comes to toxic men, because there's a lot of work that needs to be done and a lot of self-recognition, and usually these men, that's their biggest problem, right? They're not self-aware and they are they're delulu, they think they're perfect and they're not. They think they're right and they are not. But yeah, I think those are the major experiences that I've had with toxicity. Now that you're out of these relationships and you've had some time to reflect, looking back, what do you think made it toxic? A lot of the time, if the relationship is toxic, I think it's because somebody is really, really selfish. That's usually how I can tell. I don't know, but I've also been through my little fair share of stuff, and again, like I didn't really know. And I think in that moment too, I was just so blinded by love and I just wanted to make things work for sure. But I was also toxic. I'm gonna take accountability. I was very toxic.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

I think I was made toxic. Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't think they do stuff, yeah. They do it to you.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

I would go through phones. I don't know. Keep in mind though, I've been going through phones since I was like 12. Like I would go through my dad's phone. Girl, somebody had to do it to make sure my mom was good.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

So you've been nosy.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

I've been nosy, but for the right reasons, you can just never trust reasons.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

You can just never trust a man as much as we think that we can, and maybe, you know, I really hope that a man that I can trust comes my way, and I hope that for you, I hope I know you do, but I hope that everybody, my best friends, I just hope that we can all be with someone who doesn't make us toxic and crazy. But amen. Yeah, I definitely went through a phone or two a couple times. Did you find anything? Yeah, I didn't know. Always every time. That's the problem. Yeah. And there are two different people. Me, I think I'd like to be a little naive. And I'd like to be a little, you know, ignorant and just I'd rather not know. What I'm supposed to know will slap me in the face. I don't need to go look. Yeah. So what'd you find? So I went through the Google search history.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

I went through the Google the Google search history.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

And I remember I was just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, and I came across some uh very disgusting stuff. Ugh. Explicit content. And it wasn't a good feeling. You know, when you're in a relationship, it's that sucks.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Yeah. It does something to your mental, it does something to your self-esteem. It's not a good feeling in any way. But I remember I'm and I'm crazy, okay? I'll be the first to say I am crazy. And I remember looking at the day, looking at the time, going on my phone. I never delete anything.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Like my phone is at the most amount of gigabytes, and I'm always having to buy more storage. But that is because I never delete pictures, I never delete messages, nothing. And I searched up like one common word on my phone. You know how you can do that on iMessage. And I went looking for this word until I got to the date of the Google search. And I was in the conversation, and at this time, in the relationship that I was in, me and this person were apart, and I did my best to be involved in his life. Like I was really intentional about being with his family and trying to strengthen that relationship. On top of that, I just like really loved his parents. So I I enjoyed getting to hang out with them. But I did that often, and I remember this was I was looking at the dates, and um, I was at his parents' house during that time because I had texted him because I found the conversation of the exact day and around that time. And I remember that I basically hadn't been responding because I was with his parents, and when I finally finished, I'm texting him back and I'm like, Hey, are you awake? I was like, Did you fall asleep? And he was like, Yeah, I fell asleep. Literally, maybe like two or three minutes before he sent me that text is when I saw the Google search of like of the not so good. And I I think I saw this months ago because again, we were apart, like we were not together physically. And so after a time, I came across it and I put two and two together, right? And I just it also felt I saw it like months later, so it also felt like I couldn't say anything, and I really didn't want to because I was so afraid of how the argument was gonna go, I think. I also think I knew that I was going to somehow be gaslit or manipulated or somehow that it was gonna turn on me. A lot of the time, if if you are in a toxic relationship, you do know that and you do feel scared that if you speak your mind, it's not a safe place, it's not a safe place, and it's just gonna backfire on you. And as much as you want to handle something with love and care, because that's really how I saw the relationship, that's not how it's gonna work. And so I just remember, like after the fact, just feeling so hurt by it because I'm investing so much time into somebody and into their life. I was doing this because I wanted to strengthen that part of the relationship. So I also just knew I was in a toxic relationship because I went through his phone. Like just the fact that you felt the need to do that.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Yeah, like number one sign, if you feel like you need to go through his phone, it's toxic.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Yeah. And I'll take accountability, like it was toxic, and I know now that if I ever feel the need to go through my man's phone, like it's probably not gonna work out. Like I should not, I don't know. I know sometimes we do it with just pure curiosity, I think. But I don't know. I just I don't think it's a good sign. Yeah, it's not. I will tell you right now, it's not. I think another way that you just know you're in a toxic relationship is in my personal experience, which every time I talk about it It makes me sad because I think about how we have such genuine, pure, beautiful love from so many people, and you want it so badly from a man that you're willing to compromise and you're willing to bend sometimes some of your own morality. But for me, I think the people around you know you're in a toxic relationship sometimes before you even do, and you can try to hide the toxicity as much as possible and try to keep it a secret almost because you want to protect your relationship and you want to protect the band that you're with, but people know, like my mom always knows because my tell is that I stop talking, I isolate myself, and maybe it's not even him who's isolating me, but I just do it on my own will because I think deep down I just know that the people around me know me and they want the best for me, and I'm embarrassed that I'm in a position where I know I'm not being treated correctly, but I still for the meantime at least I'm tolerating it, even though I know I'm gonna end things and I know that I'm done and I'm never gonna go back. I'm still embarrassed that I even let it happen. Yeah, for sure. And so I think that's a huge tell sign. Like if you're isolating yourself, or have you ever felt like you want to talk about something? But you literally can't. But you literally can't, or you're like, oh my gosh, like I already know what they're gonna say. Yeah. Well, then maybe pay attention to that and pay attention to the fact that you you feel dumb almost talking about certain parts of your relationship, and you should never feel dumb, and you should never feel like it's wrong. Every relationship has problems, but some are healthy, some are tolerable to talk about, and some are wrong, and you know that it's not the best thing for you.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Whenever something was wrong, I feel like my sister always knew. She almost always would ask me, or like I wouldn't come around, or she would make that noun very good because I wouldn't come around, or something like that. Yeah. And that's kind of too I would realize it too. I'm like, obviously, this is affecting me so intensely that I am acting different in other situations. 100%.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Another way that I knew that a relationship was toxic was being trauma bonded or having that toxic cycle of breaking up, getting back together. And I think a lot of the time you can break up, and it can be for a good reason, and you can come back together and be stronger.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

But I think in my case it was a little continuous and consistent, and I think it's such a toxic cycle, and it does so much to you as a person to be on that yeah, in that situation where you're with somebody and it's so toxic that you literally can't leave each other alone. Have you ever been in that? Like, mm-mm. I don't recommend. No, I no, no, no, no. Yeah, and I I just hate that I ever allowed myself to be in that situation, but you live and you learn. You don't know until you've been through it.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

Yeah, a hundred percent. You do not know it until you've done it.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Then how can you learn from something you don't know about? That's why we're trying to teach you guys, and every and every person is different. Like how I said I would never go through someone's phone, or I've never been in that cycle of back and forth, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been in really bad situations with people, and yeah, I do think that it takes a lot of self-work. And now that a lot of time has passed and I have gone to therapy about it, I can recognize the type of person I was and why I attracted that type of negativity and those types of situations, but at the time you don't know, like you don't even know that there's something about you that is attracting this or something in you that is lacking something that is making you seek something in bad things almost. And I don't think I don't really think anyone does it purposeful, because why would you want that type of relationship for yourself? It's just something that sort of happens, but yeah, girl, no judgment here. No judgment, there is no judgment ever.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

Not for you guys, not for us, no judgment.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

Yeah, but I think I definitely learn from that if it's a constant like back and forth between somebody, even in talking situations when it's like back and forth, yeah. What does that tell me about the actual relationship? Yeah, if we stop talking here and there and then get back, start talking again. That is toxic, that's bread crumbing, that's every bad name in the freaking book. Like, why are we doing that?

SPEAKER_00 19:29

But I'm not a professional, and so I am not trying to say which is which and which isn't, but I think toxic relationships can become abusive and have abusive qualities within them.

SPEAKER_02 19:45

And yeah, we don't always mean physical, like abuse can be emotional, mental.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

I mean physical, I think is the easiest to spot and to recognize, obviously. Abuse is such a big word. Like even now, I'm uncomfortable, even though I know that's what it is, and I can recognize that that's what it is. I'm uncomfortable even using that word because I know so many women have had it worse than I have. But the truth is, yeah, I have been in toxic relationships that have gotten so bad that it's been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, even the P1, you know, and it's taken a lot of time of working on it. But I just want to share some of the things that I wish I had known sooner and learned how to recognize and was able to put a name to it. Because when I first got into therapy after my really toxic, abusive relationship when I was a lot younger, was that my therapist was putting words to things like, Well, from what you're describing, it's called gaslighting, from what you're describing, it's called emotional abuse. From what you're describing, it's called this. And I remember that being such a whoa moment for me. I remember processing my therapy sessions afterwards and just being like, Whoa. I it feels so much heavier when someone defines it.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

I can't tell you how many times I would sit there and be like, Oh. Like, yeah, that's what happened. That's tough. Especially when you're so young and you don't imagine yourself being in that situation. I would always tell myself when I was younger, like, that will never, never say never. Never say never. Easy to say that.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

Because I would always be like, That will never be me. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 21:33

No, it can be you. And I think that's what makes it harder when people are like, Well, just leave. Or you know, like it's so hard to just like knock yourself out of a situation and not I don't know, it's hard for sure. I think like a tall tell sign of a toxic relationship that can turn abusive, specifically verbally, is like any type of name calling when you guys are arguing or belittling, even being condescending. Remember being in a relationship and whenever we would get ready to go out, I'd be like, Oh, does my outfit look okay? And he would always say, Well, it's not like you have time to change, let's go. It makes you feel so insecure. And and then afterwards, and I'd be like, You can't even compliment me, and then it's like, so you're just looking for compliments? Like, you already know that you're pretty. Why do you need me to tell you this? Then it's then that's manipulation. And then if you get upset and he tells you you're being too sensitive, it's not even like that, then he's gaslighting you. And it just turns into this huge cycle of them just being so mean to you that it little by little destroys your self-esteem and your soul. I feel like coming out of that relationship, I just I was just so defeated. And so I think like that's a really early on, you know, if you're arguing and he yells at you or calls you a name, and even if he's so so sorry about that, it's still yeah. That's the root of something that can be really bad. I think that goes with criticism too, and being held to such a high standard and being put on a pedestal constantly, like, no, you should be this way because we are this, or you should stick to these morals because that's what we believe in. Yes, and it's just so I was with a really um religious man who was very well versed in our religion that we shared, and I feel like he weaponized it in a way against me. Like we are a part of this religion, so we need to make sure that we follow these rules. And I think with the right person it can lead you closer to your faith and closer to God, but with the wrong person who weaponizes it, it kind of destroys almost like your own internal faith and your own internal thought processes. Yeah, so constant criticism definitely isn't good, and also something that you should be aware of. It's hard because I'm like now that I'm traumatized, everything is a red flag, and I'm I'm working on it. I'm working on it. But you know what? I know that sucks, and I know that not everybody needs to go through that, and God bless the ones who have never and will never. But like you said, when you do go through something like that, you come out of that and your standards just go way up. Yes, like for me. I'm like, I know, I'm never ever gonna allow myself. I have been officially out of something, and I have just been in that toxic cycle for so long that now I'm like, no way in hell will I ever I know I just said don't ever, but there comes a point where you will not allow yourself to be put milked in like your tolerance goes crazy. Goes crazy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I will not tolerate this, I will not tolerate that. Um also do when you've been in a long relationship or even a short relationship. Toxicity can really come from the other person holding things over your head, having that kind of scoreboard with you, yeah. And just not being able to let things go. I was in that. Ugh. Yeah. That's the worst because no matter how good you are, villain. We could literally be having a great but this was also me. Like there was a lot of resentment that I held to. So this was also me, and you know, I understand it. When I was in a relationship and I did realize that it was a constant back and forth, I think I knew then too that it wasn't gonna work out and that it was gonna be toxic because we physically could not let things go. And I knew that I was guilty of it too. Yeah, I knew that I was guilty of it too because there was so much that maybe I had resentment for. I think I also again I really, really wanted things to work out, and I just loved somebody so much, so I would constantly be like, I'm willing to let things go, I'm willing to move past this, I'm willing to this, I'm willing to that. Girl, we should not be willing to do anything. Yeah. I just I sit back and I really think about it, and I I don't ever want to be willing to do something. I don't want to be willing to forget about that. And also being the only person who is willing to put the work in to let something go. Yeah. Because I again like that just I feel like that just traumatizes the relationship and it so traumatizes you and it makes yeah, it's not it's exhausting. It is so exhausting, so draining, and when you realize that you don't want to be in a relationship like that, it makes things easier, but it's really hard to let go and it's hard to get to that point too. To get to that because then you also have to admit that you chose wrong. Ooh, you clock me. No, no, no, no, no. That's shot to my therapist. Guys, like I really put food. No, no, no, baby. I put food on her table. With the amount of work I've had to do. But you know what? But you know what? I think it's so beautiful that you can the both of us, I think we both do such a good job at recognizing where we go wrong, recognizing that we have some work to do, recognizing that we need therapy, like you know, therapy goes a long way in just knowing that you can you can do whatever you can to fix yourself because a toxic relationship, you uh bad and just toxic contributions, toxic cycles, toxic trauma bonds, like literally all of that. It messes with you so heavy. And I know so many women who have been in situations that are toxic, and you can see it in them. I feel like so many people saw it in me. Oh right? Like, yeah, and yeah, I think I'm a lot happier now in certain ways, you know. Healthier, I'm healthier, I'm a better person, and I'm like tooting my own horn or whatever, but no, I do feel like I like myself so much better now than I liked myself in those relationships going based off of what you were just saying right now is my heart goes out to everyone who is in toxic cycles and feels like that is what they deserve because that's not what you deserve. And I promise you that there is better out there for you. That is so hard. Some of the hard truths in therapy have been that I did have really low self-esteem, and I was not in a good place with myself, and I was not the level of love that I thought I deserved was a lot lower than it should have been. And I think that that's what caused me to be in those types of relationships. And so, ladies, I beg of you. It sounds so corny. I've heard it so many times in my life where it's like, you need to love yourself more, you need to love yourself before you can love anybody else. I used to be like, no, like someone can love me back to life, you know, someone can love me. I do still agree with that, but I I agree with that in the sense of my friends and my family. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:12

I don't think that way about a man.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

Yes, I think intimate relationships are its own category, you know. And so I just I encourage everyone to just uh fall in love with yourself, fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with someone else. Because when you love yourself, you really think about what it is that you deserve and what it is that you want for yourself. Yes, and it's really hard when you start dating really young and that's all you know. Yeah, it's really, really hard. But sometimes you do need to step out of that and just focus on yourself. And I I do think it's important, like I'm so happy for all the couples who have been together since 16, 17, 18, and have made it so far or get married, but that's not always the case. And a lot of the time young relationships really do a lot of does a lot of damage. So I would set boundaries with a person, and I feel like every single time that I tried to set a boundary it was so evidently it was so evident that they just wanted to make sure that they were going to cross that boundary. Baby, I wrote that down. Yeah, because yes. I was so big on that, I would try so hard to be like, no, like in any relationship. I would really try to be like, this is how we're gonna handle this because I care about you, I respect you, and I love you, and I want this to work. I feel like the minute that I tried to say something to help the relationship or to help the problem or whatever out the out the motherfucking window, bro. It was like no. Just because you said that, yes, that's not gonna happen. Because it's a constant game. No, you can't win, you can't win, you can't win, you can't win.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

Girl, oh it would be like it would irk me so bad because I'm like, dude, who wants to fight with you? I don't want to fight with you.

SPEAKER_00 31:07

Men, I swear, some men, and I know women too, but I've been only in relationships with men, okay? And that's my experience. These men don't want peace. Do not want peace because what do you mean? I'm trying to set a boundary, and you take every opportunity to cross that boundary to overstep the boundaries in our relationship. And not a lot of things upset me, and not a lot of things bothered me. I was very just I love you, and it's all gonna be okay. But I swear you give them your hand and they take your whole arm.

SPEAKER_02 31:40

I'm fucking body, mind, soul.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

Yes, I literally like no, and and another thing that I've been thinking about too, and how hard it is, but I feel like I've always been chill. Like my family has always told me that from when I was little, I was very mature for my age, but I grew up, I feel like in a very chaotic household and just lots of fighting, like my siblings would go at it, you know, and I think I thought that was normal too. So going into a relationship, you don't realize what can be toxic and what isn't.

SPEAKER_02 32:12

But that was something that I really struggled with, and I think a lot of the time I would blame myself and I would blame how I grew up. Not that I grew up in a bad way at all, but not at all, but I would watch novellas and they were like crazy.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

Yes, I would be like, Well, the man, like, yeah, they had a crazy fight, the girl was crazy, the guy was crazy, but they love each other. That's why I have such beef with Hollywood and how they romanticize toxicity and toxic relationships. There is nothing romantic about being a shell of a person when a relationship is over.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

But when you're that young and you're watching this stuff, we don't realize it.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Like the way that they would go at they would go at each other. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. It's one of the worst ones. That was pretty bad. I almost feel like setting boundaries and pushing limits. I know we've been talking a lot about intimate relationships, but I think any type of relationship in your life, if you are trying to set a boundary with a person and they have a problem with it, or if they're offended by it, red flag. Like, that is not a good thing. That is not a good sign at all. That's what I'm saying. That's usually probably at least like in the beginning stages. If you can tell that somebody is selfish or they're doing anything to make you feel that sort of way, it's going to tie into a lot of other things. I agree. I agree.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

Sigh.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

Literally big sigh.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

No, I've been sighing all morning.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

This is such a I'm just happy in a place that I can talk about these things and not be like super emotional about them or embarrassed about them because there was a time in my life where I was just so embarrassed about the experiences that I have had because I'm so hard on myself. Like, how could I have allowed that? But like we've been saying, you don't know until unfortunately you know, and you have to learn. You know, off what says, guys, learn your lessons. Please learn your lessons.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

I will say I do think that if God makes that your lesson once, you don't want to listen to it, it will continue to happen. Yes, it will. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

One time someone told me, like, oh, it it seems like you were trying to make me jealous about your ex-boyfriend or something like that. And I was like, jealous. I was like, babe, there is nothing to be jealous of. Not nothing. I'm actually embarrassed about that entire thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

I remember like when I said that, oh my god, it clicked for me.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

I was like, that is terrible. You're like, I shouldn't be embarrassed. I should be embarrassed. No, no, no, you should not be embarrassed. But it's yeah, you need to have a little bed one side to learn your lesson sometimes. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I just told myself, like, I don't want to be that person that is constantly in toxic relationships and constantly in a chaotic environment because that it does seep into your other relationships in your life, like how I wasn't calling my mom as much and she recognized that, or my friends, I don't go around them as much because I didn't want them to tell, and that's your own responsibility to take care of because I recognize that, like it is my responsibility to not bring toxicity into the other areas of my life, and it wasn't easy. Period, mic drop.

SPEAKER_02 35:29

I totally agree with you about the name calling. I think that is so mean, especially when you don't start it.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

Seriously, I'm like, wait, what did you just call me?

SPEAKER_02 35:39

Yeah, it fires up something in me. And it starts little that's toxic. It fires up something in me when it brings out the worst in you.

SPEAKER_00 35:46

Yes, I think it's so harmful. Oh my gosh. I used to get called.

unknown 35:51

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

I laugh about it because this would fire me up. I would get called a mean girl.

unknown 35:58

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 35:59

I'd be like, what? Because I know you know I'm not a mean girl.

SPEAKER_00 36:04

Would he constantly do it?

SPEAKER_02 36:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

You see that that is the problem. That it's because he knew that it got you.

SPEAKER_02 36:11

I'd be like, damn, like, no way you really think that of me. If anybody knows me best, like it's gonna be you, and now you're just saying things to just hurt me. And I would sit there and I'd be like, oh my god, not again, bro.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

Like that constant feeling of not again. Here we can go again. Yes, yes. You know, when you're in a toxic relationship, when you're like, can we just have a good day today? Yeah, oh my gosh. I remember saying that can we just not argue today? Can we just have a good day? Can we just be chill, please? Like, please, for the love of God. Yeah, and I'm not I do want to preface all of this by saying that I do think that I have been in toxic relationships, but I don't think the entire thing has been toxic, which is why I think it made it so hard for me to understand the concept of it. Yes, because I think a lot of it was good, and I think a lot of my relationships made me happy and I was better because of them for sure. But there were a lot of it may have been tiny or big, but there were things like that throughout the relationship that made it harder for me to see past them, or I couldn't really, I was blinded by them, you know. But you know what? Like I think that is maybe a piece of advice that if I could give my younger self or someone else going through this is when the bad is so bad, it doesn't matter how good the good was. You have to put things into perspective. Make a pros and cons list if you have to.

SPEAKER_02 37:37

That's my favorite thing.

SPEAKER_00 37:38

Yes, it is because sometimes you literally have to put it on paper, you know, or type it up. Okay, he's done this, this, and this, and it's been great and beautiful, and that's why I fell in love with him. But he does this, this, and this, and it's worse. Like it makes me feel worse than the good makes me feel good. So just balance everything. Sometimes it's not even just name calling, sometimes it's negative comments, and kind of how you just said that he knew that it upset you, and so that was his like that was his way to get you, you know. If he wanted you to get on his level of anger or whatever it was, boom. You're a mean girl. I was in a relationship where I feel like he constantly was throwing insults my way, and he wouldn't stop until I cried. He wouldn't stop until it was like the one that really got me. I remember one time he told me, Well, your brothers don't even like you. And my brothers love me. Okay, my brothers ride or die for me. I do, but we just don't have a lot in common. And I'm I was at the time like brilliant to care about it. Now I have built an even stronger relationship with my brothers, probably because of that relationship and everything that relationship put me through. But I remember at the time it was like, you don't like he he would tell me, like, you don't do this good enough, you don't do that good enough, you are this way, you are that way, and nothing would get me. I would just tell myself, like, he's just angry, he's just angry. But sometimes he would get to an insult that just got me so much, and it would either make me angry, and I would start getting to his level a little bit, or I would get really emotional, and then the apologies come after. I didn't mean it, or I didn't know it would make you feel like that. He would almost gaslight me into saying, Why is it that that's the one thing that gets you? Maybe we should do some self-work to figure out what it is that you know, why do you think that your brothers don't like you? What have you done to cause that? Like he was mean. If you listen to this, you're a meme. But yeah, and it makes me sad. Like the we understand how heavy this is, and again, this is really vulnerable for us. We understand that putting this out for people to listen to is crazy. We get that I get that. But at the end of the day, I really, really hope that not only I have learned from this situation, that Nikki has learned from her situations, that people listening have learned from situations, and maybe, God forbid, I really pray and hope that nobody is going through a toxic relationship or through toxic mannerisms or situations, whatever the case is. But if you are and you don't realize it, like I think what I was so excited about, I hope that this helps. Yeah, and I think what I was so scared of was like, if I leave, if this ends, I'm gonna be so sad. I'm gonna be this, I'm gonna be that. Like this person that I have been so in love with for so long, like I don't want I don't want it to end. Yeah. But it does get better. I really do feel like it gets better. Yeah, I I really wouldn't be saying that if I didn't feel it. So I I hope that this helps someone. And I honestly, if you relate to anything we've been saying, I'm so sorry. I really from the deepest part of my heart, I'm so sorry because I never want anyone to feel this way, but it has to stop, and it stops with you, it stops with you setting boundaries and loving yourself and respecting yourself and knowing that this isn't good for the other person either, that they probably need help and they need to work on something. No, I'm serious, Celeste. Like these people, I mean, for one of my relationships, I have been able to get to a point where I sympathize with the person because of everything that they've been through and what shaped them to be the person that they are. And I didn't feel like that at first. And I know some people, aka my mom, don't agree with me. They're like, no, screw that person until the end of the earth. Like that's Roseanne. I like I there's no sympathy, but I'm glad that no matter how tough situations have been for me and how much pain I've endured, that it has not hardened me, and I still have a softness about me, and I still want to love, and I'm still a romantic, and I think that's what I love about Celeste too is you're still a romantic and you still know that there is there's love out there, there's good, healthy love out there. There's good healthy love. That is really funny that you say that though, because my sister's exactly how your mom is. Really, and then my mom's like, just pray for them, just you know, pray for them and I'm like my girl. I don't want to pray for them. And I do, but you'll get to the point because when I am goodness will come, man, when the good comes, when the good relationships come, when the good love comes, you're like, I forgive you. Yeah, it's like everything. Amen. God bless, who cares? I'm in a better spot because of that, because of what happened. So sigh again. Because it's like, no, these are big realizations that you're losing to. I'm like listening to you talk and I'm like, dang, and then I'm also like, I hate that I have so many things to talk about. I know. I hate that I could go on and on and on with these experiences because that really sucks that people have given me so many experiences to talk about. And I'm sorry that you went through so much. I'm sorry that you went through so much. I don't like I was just about to say, I don't I don't feel like I I did go through so much in some weird way. I think maybe after breakups and stuff. I think that's when I really went through it. But I feel like in the relationship, yeah, there were these toxic things, and there were these big toxic things. But I'm hearing you talk and I'm like, man.

SPEAKER_02 43:30

Oh no, my girl really went through it.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

Oh no. No, but it makes me so happy to see where you're at now because you're you're in a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

You what were you saying earlier?

SPEAKER_00 43:40

You said Well, going with boundaries and just having high expectations. I've I've done the work and I do think that I'm in a much better place with myself and just along with setting boundaries and putting in the work, and I think there is still a lot of work to do, but I do think that I am finally. In a healthy and beautiful relationship. It's really wild to reflect and compare because I'm like, wow. Sometimes a situation will happen and he reacts a certain way or he doesn't react at all. And I'm like, oh.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

So that's what So that's how it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

Yeah. But it is it is also very humbling because I recognize that there is a lot of there's a lot of the habits that I've picked up that I still need to work on. And I love my partner so much that I I never want to do to him what has been done to me. And so no, and I think that you have done a lot of work. Like you've been in therapy for years. Yeah. I think it's such a good thing to be in therapy. I've been in therapy, but I I haven't been as consistent as I feel like you have. Um but I think you've done so much of the work to be in that relationship that you're in now. And I think, like you said, it ends with you, but it also starts with you. And you need to be able to want to put in the work for yourself to be in that healthy, happy relationship. I think another layer that we could add on to this is that sometimes I love my family, I love my culture, but we got a lot of generational trauma to work through. We got a lot of toxicity and a lot of heartbreak and pain, and not just from love, from life, from you know, our family migrating to a different country and how that shaped them and their marriages and how it shapes us. Yeah, and what we see and what we learn and what we feel deep in our bones. I think what is so tough about that is that we don't recognize that when we're 15, 16, starting to date. We don't recognize that there is work to be done. We're just not there mentally. You know, we haven't developed in that way, and so that's why I think young relationships are really hard.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

And you know, maybe this is my frontal lobe developing. Maybe I was wrong.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

Maybe I am getting Yes. Because I think the way I think about a relationship now is so much different than how I did a year ago. Same. No, I do think that I have reshaped my way of thinking about relationships. My mom tells me she's like, Are you being mean to him? Don't be mean. I'm like, girl, he loves it over here. It's all worry about him. No, low-key, that's my sister. Really? I'm a little bit of a brat and he loves it. I'm just and not even just with him. I value myself way more than I ever have. And you know what? Shout out to my man for giving me that place to do that too. Period. Provides that safe place for you. Yes. And we hope and wish that for every one of you, and we think you're all gonna have that if you don't already have that. But amen. 2026, toxic relationships are out, they're so they're lame, they're boring, loving, healthy, beautiful relationships are in. Period. Let's romanticize that. Let's romanticize that. That's good. I really like that because yeah, we need to be romanticizing that. Yes. So I'm so excited because your future husband is gonna be so wonderful, and he's gonna be my friend, and we're all gonna hang out. Right. Yeah, he will be around. I don't know why I said that. No, I like that you said that. Because my ex-boyfriend was not around. He was not my friend, he was not anybody's friend. I mean when you said that he was mean. I think he was mean to his friends. I would tell him, like, you're a shitty friend. Oh, my ex was mean to his friends too. He would like yell at them and stuff. And I'd be like, is this really a guy thing? Yeah. I would really think about it and I'd be like, I don't think this is a guy thing. Should we lighten this up with some different seriously serious? I think we should. I got nothing. What am I serious about? What are you so seriously serious about today? Planning a vacation. Ooh, where are you going? I don't know. I'm definitely going somewhere with my mom, probably in August. I'm like, Can I go? But I think we should go somewhere. Oh, yeah, we've been saying. Yeah. Let us know where we should go. We've been wanting to go to um Mexico City. First, we were saying New York City. We're like, we have to go to New York City again. Yeah, we loved fun. We loved New York. But we've been to New York City together. We should go to a different city.

SPEAKER_02 48:30

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 48:31

I think Mexico City, that's kind of at the top of my list right now. I think that has been at the top of my list for like the last year. I've just been wanting to go there.

SPEAKER_02 48:38

I've been wanting to go to Guadalajara and I went, but the whole friggin' cartel stuff, like I couldn't even enjoy myself.

SPEAKER_00 48:45

So I was not that besty. I was locked up. Like, bro, be serious. Baby, I'm locked up. Let me down. I actually love Akon. I miss him so much. He's good. He's good. Acon, if you're listening, please release new music. I miss you. No, but I'm so serious serious about planning a vacation. I would love to go to Costa Rica or somewhere somewhere tropical. You know what? My cousin used to work in dude, my dad's been everywhere. Wait, side note. My dad's really been everywhere. Within the last two years, he's been in Costa Rica, Colombia, he's been Colombia. Colombia. Colombia actually looks really beautiful. He said it was great. And it's there's so many things to do. It's just not the time to go. Oh. I've heard.

unknown 49:34

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 49:35

Well, my dad didn't like the food. Oh. Yeah. He said that it's just like not very Mexican.

SPEAKER_00 49:41

I think that's hard when it's like Mexican type foods, but it's not cooked. Yeah, it's not like Mexican. It's like estilo, you know, like España or Colombia. Like that's just. I had a cousin that lived in Costa Rica and he would always tell me to go, but I never told me this. I'm like, we were trying to go. Let's go, let's go, but it just wasn't working out. It wouldn't work out. But I think I think we should really invest in a trip. Lock in and invest on a trip and sit down and plan it and just buy some tickets and figure out the rest later. I agree. I think we're gonna do that. I think we definitely should. Especially Mexico City. I think that is so doable, and I have family there, so we're not alone. Yeah, I think Mexico City would be so much fun. And for people who don't know really what it's like, Mexico City is actually so No, I heard it's like the best. It's so stunning, and the food is amazing. You can find food from every country there. Everyone speaks English. Well, not everyone, but a lot of people do. I remember we were eating ice cream with my Thea one time, and people were just walking by speaking English. Like finance bros were walking around speaking English. Like you will find people that look like they just came from Newport Beach. It's insane. Yes, and the the fashion there is so amazing. There's just something to do everywhere. Like my cousin is a yogi instructor.

SPEAKER_01 51:03

Oh, yeah, she's a yogi.

SPEAKER_00 51:05

Like she's so cute. And I think people have this idea that Mexico is like this third world country or something, and it's not. Like it's so much fun. Yeah. It's so developed. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 51:15

Well, one of my fave influencers, you know who I'm talking about? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

She just Louis Beth or something like that.

SPEAKER_02 51:20

She just spent like a month out there and she loved it.

SPEAKER_00 51:22

So I am very inspired by her and I just want to go. Every time I'm going through it, I go to Mexico. I run away. Mom, I'm you know, that's what I've been doing.

SPEAKER_02 51:31

Yeah, low-key. I've been in Mexico a lot lately.

SPEAKER_00 51:33

Yeah, I've just been running away. I just run away. I'm like, you know what, Mom? Welcome back. Can you just buy me a one-way? Or my my dad is always super supportive. Like when I want to go visit his family. He's like, alright, girl, get out of here. I'm like, thank you. Bye. So what are you so seriously serious about today? I am serious about my calendar. Girl, I put everything in that thing.

SPEAKER_02 51:56

You too. If the police needs to know what I was doing on January 30th, it's in there. If they need to know what I'm doing today at one o'clock, they know what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00 52:08

I put every if it's not on my calendar, I'll forget about it. Yeah, me too. I'm always looking at my calendar. And if I have plans, I need to remember that on that day, it's in here. What app do you use? I just use my comes with your phones? Google Calendar. I want to try that. I love okay, let me show you. No, I love Google Calendar because you can physically write and see. My thing about the calendar that Apple gives you is it's a little white dot. Okay, I know I have plans that day, but what do I have? No, it's not.

SPEAKER_01 52:36

What?

unknown 52:39

No.

SPEAKER_02 52:40

Oh. This is how mine looks.

SPEAKER_00 52:41

It did not look like that before.

SPEAKER_02 52:42

Well, you can make it bigger and you can make it smaller.

SPEAKER_00 52:47

You see what I mean? And then you can also color coordinate. I just haven't gotten that far. Wait, this is Apple Calendar? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, I guess I'm gonna start with Apple Calendar then. But you already have your Guys, our subjects are growling. Hey, we gotta wrap this up. We gotta get done.

SPEAKER_02 53:09

But you also have your whole life on Google Calendar already. And I think you can pull Google. I mean, if you're logged into all your stuff. I have time.

SPEAKER_00 53:16

Yeah, if you're logged into all your stuff on iCloud anyway, everything's always gonna be there. But Google Calendar already has all your stuff. I don't know. I got time.

SPEAKER_02 53:26

Yeah. Okay. We gotta end this episode because honestly, we're starving, but we we really, really, really, really want to emphasize on how emotionally damaging it is to be in these sorts of relationships and to have these things happen to you.

SPEAKER_00 53:42

And I think that the whole point of this episode was because we we really want to spread awareness to it. And I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to be able to tell yourself that you're in a toxic relationship, and it takes even more self-awareness to be able to leave a toxic relationship. And as I said earlier in the episode, not every toxic relationship starts super toxic, some toxic relationships start with a loving relationship and ends toxic and builds to that and builds to that. I don't think every toxic relationship is doomed, actually. I think that you can get help and I think sometimes it does take professional help to mend a broken toxic relationship, and if that's the route that you want to take and you're able to take, I think that's wonderful, that's beautiful, especially if it's a family, you know. It's it's not easy to end that, and I completely understand that. But honestly, ladies, there's always better out there. So I would encourage you to consider leaving a toxic relationship and starting fresh and finding something better for you. Because you always can, because you're a girl, exactly. You can always start over, start fresh. Yes, whatever you do decide to do, no judgment. I love you, I support you. But I I do agree with you also. I think when the two really want to mend something, mend a broken heart, mend a broken relationship. A broken relationship. I think it's totally doable, but it requires both. It cannot just be one of you. 100%. And I really just pray for peace and love for everybody, honestly. And I think that we will all get there. Yeah. And thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode. We know it was heavy. We know it was heavy, a little sad, but it's something that maybe isn't talked about enough. Maybe I feel like it is, but I feel like it is talked about. But here's the thing: I while we were in the works of talking about doing a podcast, I kept telling Celeste, if I could when I was going through my moments, if I could have just tuned into a podcast and been able to relate to something and not feel so alone, that would have been amazing for me. And so I hope that this gives this to someone. And as always, we are seriously just girls. I'm Nikki, I'm Celeste, and we'll talk to you next week. Love you guys. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 56:02

Bye.