Seriously... Celeste's POV

Dear Listener,

This is the most honest I've ever been. I talk about my breakup, the things I ignored, the boundaries I didn't set, and the reality of loving someone who wasn't right for me. 

It's vulnerable, a little messy, but very real; its everything I wish I understood sooner. 

If you're going through it, you're not alone. Us girls have to stick together & I'm always here for you.

Love always, 
Celeste

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Good morning. Good morning. Hey. Hey. How are you today? I'm so good. I think we should just jump right into it. Oh, okay. No time for the check-in today. No chit-chatting today. We will still do our seriously serious, but we're gonna get straight to it. This is Heartbreak. Celeste's edition. Your P.O.V. My POV. And I guess I would just like to throw out a couple things as a disclaimer that this is my story. This is my heartbreak. And I think that this is the worst heartbreak in history. Like, no, I was literally Yeah. Yep. Through a freaking ringer. Is that how you say it? Yeah, this person put you through the ringer. This person put me through the ringer. And um I do think it's dumb to put out my whole story out there, honestly, but I also think that so many people can learn from this. That is not dumb at all. I feel kind of dumb for it. But at the same time, I don't, because this is our podcast, and we wanted this for ourselves and for our kids to look back on, and that's the point of this. So I would like to also mention that um I feel like this person was in my life for so many years, and obviously his people became my people, and I treasure them, and I love a lot of the people on his side, and I know a lot of them support our podcast and listen. And I would just like to thank you guys for that. But I also would like to mention that the version that you guys get is not the version that I got. Yeah. This is no disrespect to yeah, this is your relationship with them. Exactly. Um, but it needs to be said, and this is something that you've been wanting to talk about, and hopefully it relates to someone, and someone doesn't feel alone in their heartbreak. So don't feel bad. Don't take it personal. If you take it personal, it's your fault, not ours. Yeah, so grab your popcorn, grab your snacks, grab yourself a Dutch Bros, whatever coffee, you name it. Sit down. This is a juicy one.

unknown 2:02

Woo!

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Okay. In order for you guys to really fully understand, I unfortunately do have to give some context about the relationship and just what happened. Um should we give him a name? Yeah, I think we should. I like Igor. Igor. Yeah. Okay. Um, Igor and I started dating when I was 17. We were together for a long time. It was a very back and forth relationship. I was never the one to break up with him. He was always the one to break up with me, and he thought I was just a little piece of toy that he could pick up and drop whenever he wanted. Oh my gosh. Um, and I let him. When they show you one time, they will do it again. And I just wish I knew better. But that's okay. You were very young, too. He was very young. This was my first real serious relationship. He was a little older than you. Yeah, like a year and a half. He was a little bit older. Um, and yeah, so I won't give too much context of the beginning of the relationship, but basically we were very back and forth throughout that entire thing. Um, Igor gets a job um far away from here, very far. I do long distance for two years. I hold it down for two years. And this man repays me by breaking up with me on his drive home with a phone call. So he was moving home. It was finally gonna be like, okay, like finally, like, no more long distance, we're good. We're let's start our lives. Let's start our lives, we're so excited. Like, it was not like I was the only one giving this energy, like he was very much reciprocating all this energy. I remember, and it felt like, okay, yay, because those two years were hard for me too. Like, this man was very uh he would be like, Oh, it's really not that hard for you. Like, you have your friends and you have your family, I have nobody. And I'd be like, Okay, but I am still without you. I'm still traveling to see you every so often. I'm still making the world. Yeah, my world is still you, I'm still your partner. He was very selfish in so many different ways, and I just feel like I could never clock it. But so he's finally he's coming home. I have plans with his family to come over, we're gonna hang out. Like, I'm so excited to see this man. Nope. Calls me up, breaks up with me because of very hypocritical reasons, because this man also did the same thing that he was breaking up with me over. But I have grown to understand, and I've also been in therapy myself, so I know that it was just he was a coward and couldn't just say what he needed to break up with me for or whatever it was. I really don't know, and honestly, just using a poor excuse. Exactly. And at this point, I think I have really grown from that, and I don't need to wonder why, or I don't need to care why. But it was really hard. Um in the moment, yeah. In the moment, of course. So we don't talk, we break up, we don't see each other, nothing. It was like a cold turkey breakup. Has that been different from the other breakups? That's kind of how it was when he would first break up with you, it would be like cold turkey and then slowly come back, knock on your door again. Yeah, I feel like it was always cold turkey. But this one felt different. Yeah, this is. I remember you telling me that. Yeah, I remember I told you I told all my friends. First of all, when we broke up, I didn't tell you anybody. My sister didn't know. The only reason that my sister knew was because we're from a very small town, so she saw him driving, and I think we had a quincenta that Friday that he was coming home. Like this man was on the RSVP list when I got to the quincenita. They had like a seating arrangement kind of board for everyone to see, and he's on the list right underneath or right underneath me. Oh my gosh, triggered. My sister had asked me, like, what are you wearing? What's Igor gonna wear? And I basically just panicked, and I was like, Igor is not coming home. He is gonna continue to work up there. Oh she tells me on the phone, she was like, Well, that's not true, because I s I saw him driving on this street, and I was like, Oh, well, that's awkward. Yeah, we broke up. Why do you think you lied? I don't know. Because one thing about me is I need support. I need to be around my friends, I need to be around my family. But I think I was also so embarrassed by this man. Like, I could not believe that I was back in this spot again. That he put you there again. Yeah, I can believe it now because that's the type of person that he is, but I couldn't believe it then. Um, fast forward to this, you know, we we break up, we don't talk. I see him around. Um, we actually were going to the same gym at the time, and I was starting to date. I was seeing somebody new. The story is a little funny, but me and this guy had plans, and I was at the gym and my phone was dead. I saw Igor and I was like, I don't want to be here, I just want to leave. I'm leaving. As I'm pulling out of my car, I see Igor running out of the gym, sweating, like drip down. It was I felt like it was a movie. I'm in my car, he's like walking towards my passenger seat, and almost like if he was gonna get in, I was like, hold up. Yeah, he felt like he had the right to get in your car. No backup, but also I was so confused. Ends up coming in my window. Basically, he wanted me to like block him on TikTok because he like couldn't. It was so hard. It was so hard. Right. He had no self-control to not see your stuff, right? Yeah. So I'm sitting in my driver's seat, he's still there. He's asking me to block him, and I'm like, no, I don't feel the need to block you. Like, you can block me if you need to, and if you can't refrain, like that's your problem, it's not mine. Period. And I was like, okay, like I'm just I'm like trying to get away. I'm trying to roll up my window, and he's not leaving. And so I was like, okay, I was like, Well, I hope you're doing good. And I like go to roll up my window and he's like, I hope you and your new man are doing good. And I was like, Hold on, how do you know about that? I was like, What man? Crazy too. No, he somehow figured out that I was talking to this man, said something crazy to me. Um, I can't say what he said because then it like exposes the man I was talking to. Yeah. But yeah, and I just was so shook. I was like, okay, like he had to go through my followers. This was what holiday was. It was like Labor Day or Yeah, because we were that weekend we were with Haley. Yeah. And then he blows up your phone, doesn't he? The night before he had started to send me messages, and I remember I'm on a date with this new guy. I was in Tamegula, we were at the bars, and he's sending me messages, and I just like kept ignoring, kept ignoring because I'm not gonna answer, right? Yeah. Um, I just felt like okay, I finally am talking about it. You're trying to move. I'm trying to move on, and I really liked this guy at the time. So I was like, no, I'm gonna give this the attention that it needs. The next day is when we were with Haley, he's blowing up my phone. Yeah, I remember Susu was like sleeping, and we're like, Wake up! Yeah, like something is happening. Blowing up my phone, calling me, texting me, and I'm declining, declining. Mind you, he broke up with her. Igor broke up with Celeste. Celeste is trying to move forward and trying to get out of this tumultuous back and forth toxic cycle. Okay. Resume. I just want to make sure, like, that is very clear. He wanted to disrupt your life once he saw that you were happy. Resume. Yeah, so really quickly, I'm gonna finish this up because then I want to talk about the aftermath. The aftermath. So yeah, I don't pay him any mind. Eventually, I start kind of starting to get out of here. But it doesn't work out with this guy. I think it wasn't working out though, because I felt like the control was in my hand, like the the ball was in my court, and I was starting to miss Igor, and I was like, Oh, am I making the right decision? Like this is someone I've been with for years. Am I doing right? Is what I was thinking. And so at some point I start kind of distancing myself from the new guy, and I think we had both just we were just on different paths and we didn't really we weren't really making sense, but I still liked him. Still my crush. So at this point, I think once I had texted Igor and whatever, right? Fast forward, okay, this is maybe like a couple weeks later. I somehow figure out that he has a new girlfriend or that he is seeing someone, that Igor is seeing someone. And I am triggered by this because Igor breaks up with me, right? But Igor is looking at my TikToks, his profile views are on, and he's looking at my TikTok every single day, probably multiple times within an hour. And I'm like triggered, right? I was sending you guys screenshots and he was like, he was in my phone. I was I got screened. It's just confusing of everything. I remember it was a Sunday. I had plans this day, and I somehow I had already sent him a message on TikTok because I hadn't blocked on everything else, basically. I didn't have his number, none of that. I think by this point I had blocked his number, and he had blocked me on Instagram or something like that. I don't remember, but he is constantly on my TikTok, constantly, and I my ego's a little big, and I was like, no, I'm not gonna block you, like you can figure it out on your own. I'm not gonna block you, I don't need to. I don't look at your stuff, so I'm good. And you're single, right? So I was like at my breaking point, and I was like, okay, enough's enough, like no more looking at my stuff. And I had sent that before I found out about this new woman in his life. And so literally, I sent that like probably an hour, and I had sent it because he was looking on my TikToks. I got gotten the notifications of like someone viewed your profile, and I had also gotten notifications of like he liked your video and then unliked it. I would get stuff like that. So then I see it comes to my attention, I see a post that this girl posted of him. They're together, okay? It is like a lovey-dovey post. Yes, and I was fuming only because you're looking at my stuff. Yes, you're constantly looking at my stuff. Yes. Like, mind you, yes. Just been in my phone. Whatever, do what you have to do to move on, but leave me alone. Is literally how I felt. So I was fed up and I texted him and I was like, that is so disgusting of you. That is crazy of you. You have a whole girl who's posting you. Obviously, she thinks it's serious if she's posting you on her Instagram, and here you are on my stuff still, regularly. Yeah. So he doesn't answer. Um, still continues to look through my TikToks, and eventually I get to a point where I had seen him at my gym, and I go up to him, remember? I go up to him and I was like, listen, whatever you gotta do to get over me, I really don't care, but leave me out of it. But I don't know how else to tell you this, but it's not fair to the girl that you're seeing. Yes, it's certainly not fair to me. Yes, but I'm good off of you. I honestly I felt really good in this time of my life, and I was like, I don't need him, we're good, like you can move on, move on to whoever you want, but leave me out of it. And I had to tell him one time during that conversation, I was like, look at my things one more time. I promise you I'll tell your girlfriend because that is so disrespectful to her. Yeah. And he basically admitted it, had some heartfelt words to say to me. Some BS. Yeah, some BS, like always. But that was really it, right? Moving on, my birthday comes around. Oh no, I'm triggered. I'm triggered too, girl. My birthday comes around, and it was the new year. It's a new year. I really just want to put this man behind me, and I'm so upset at him. I literally felt like this was just the most evil man on the planet to be able to do what he had done to me, and I felt like I needed to get that off my chest. Like I needed to. You had a lot of anger about it. Yeah, that's just the type of person I am though. I'm very I think we've talked about it. Yeah. I need to talk about it, and I need you to know how you made me feel. So that was the in the point of this. And so it was beginning of the year. I reached out to him and I was just like, hey, I need to talk to you, like meet up with me or whatever. And he's like, Okay, we meet up. I'm like ready to go in. One way or another, things get he's a fucking gaslighter, so things just get miscommunicated. I still don't talk to him for a couple days, and eventually he's like calling me at five in the morning, like trying to talk to me, and I'm like, go to sleep. Somehow I cave and we're talking. You fold a little. I fold, I fold a lot. Whatever, that lasted a couple, let's say like a month, and we have a really big fight. I break up with him in some weird ways. I like kind of regretted breaking up with him. Like, I wanted to make things work, but thank god that I didn't. In the midst of this, I find out that he goes back to that girl within like two, three days. And I'm like sick because I'm like, no, like no, that's sickening. That's crazy. Two girls, whatever. So at this point, I'm done. Like, that is that is the the one way to lose me. When another girl is involved, that is the one way to lose me. Yeah, and I DM'd the girl, I let her know because honestly, that is I would want to know. I would know, I would want to know. Yeah, she didn't listen to me, and that is her problem. This is her business, how she dealt with it. Good luck to her. I could not care less, but I am thankful for her. Yeah. I cannot thank that girl enough because if she had not been involved, I don't know. You might have still been in that really bad cycle. Yeah. So honestly, she saved me. God bless her. Yeah, no, let's say a quick prayer for her because he is not, he's not a good guy. He's not. Like, he really I feel really bad because I really do think that he was just such a master manipulator, you know, and like just took advantage of every situation that he was in with that woman, with you. Like, he just he wanted his cake, you know, and he wanted to eat it too, and he wanted everybody to have a piece, or he wanted to have a piece of everybody. And that's that's really not okay. So good luck. Good luck, Charlie. No, but I really I hope it's a different situation. Yeah, I do too. Okay. Nah. Yeah, but uh from the outside looking in, I you know deep down, you never want a woman to be in a position that you were in, you know. So but it is hard because it's like well like we let you know. Like I told you. And you'll know. Yeah, you will know. One way or another, you will know. And you know, I think I'm past it enough that I wish her well. I don't wish him well, but I her I really do wish her well. Yeah. Whether that's with this motherfucker or with somebody else. And I You probably will only have well with someone else, though. But I was just so taken back by this, and this this caused me to hate that man. Like, this caused me to hate his guts. I just feel like how can you not just be disgusted? A man that hates himself will hate you for loving him, and that is what he did to me. He hated himself so badly that he needed to make me hate myself too. He needed to make me hate myself. Why I don't like this man is because your light was so dim with him, and your light is so much better now. Thank god he's no longer in the picture. He's a light dimmer, he's a light dimmer, but aside from that, I feel like I just had to give the context of why I was so down bad because I was down bad for months. I would not eat, I was like a hundred pounds, I was not in a good place, and it really sucked. It sucked for all of us that really, really love you. Because we were just like so angry. But the problem is like we can't do anything. It's so your journey, and it's like we can't get in your head and in your heart and literally put some nails and staple you up. Like, you have to do that. It really is hard to be with someone who is so selfish and constantly chooses themselves because they they kind of teach you to choose them too. So that's kind of how the whole relationship was. Yep. I was shown that he was selfish and that he wanted the best for himself, so therefore I had to want the best for him, and it was hard. Just like thinking back. You're a year out. My year out. This is my one-year breakup anniversary. Yeah, not the original breakup. The original, right, right, right. The original. Ugh. But um I'm happy that things happened the way they did. I think that if they wouldn't have happened that way, I think I still would have had like this soft spot for him. You've grown so much though. Like you have just developed so much, I think. Think in a lot of different ways. Like, no, I I like you a lot more. That makes me feel about myself. No, but that's how I feel about myself though. Like, I think of bad relationships that I'm in. I'm like, oh, that poor girl. Like, yeah, I feel bad for her, but I'm like, girl, come on. And I just like myself better now because I just like I respect myself more. Yeah. No, it and it took so much out of me. Like, I we have also talked about this. Like, you really have to embarrass yourself. And I was like, I'm gonna embarrass myself. I'm gonna go talk to his mom and tell her everything, and that helped me. Because now I will never step foot around that family ever again simply because like this is what happened to me, and this is what he did to me. I told you, but I told you with the intention of this. This is exactly why, because I cannot go back to that. Like, yeah, that man just takes advantage of me. Aren't you punishing yourself? I had to. Yeah, like literally, what else was I supposed to do? Like, this man just had me in a freaking chokehold for no reason. Like, he was not all that. No, baby, that's the reason why I gave him the name Igor. Okay, your year out. How are you right now? I am really good. Yeah, I'm in a different spot. I am really passionate about just myself, my life. I'm so motivated for my career, my education, my relationships that I'm in, my friendships. Like life feels so much better. I'm like, is it because of the Lexa pro? I don't know. But that man had to put me on like I had to get on Lexa Pro because of that man, and I never want my nieces. Like, I have how many nieces do I have? Five, six? A lot. I got a lot. I never want my nieces to feel the way that I felt. And it's all about choosing the man. And I should have known if a man shows me one time who he is, babe, I need to believe you. Like, there's no other way around it. Steve Harvey once said, Oh, what did he say? Steve Harvey He said, Don't tell a man, don't let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you. Because he will tell you twice. Like, no, babe, this man told me a couple times. No, I think I told one of my other friends, like, sometimes a man will just check on you to see if you're still dumb, like, or weak or vulnerable or broken, you know, like at least in my experiences, like I I haven't been in a relationship that was back and forth, but I definitely had like talking stages or like dating stages where I felt like we would talk to each other and then it wouldn't work out, so then we'd go on our life, and whenever I'd be like happy and moving on, then it was like, Hey, things have changed, I'm better now. And it's like, Are you? Are you not? Am I dumb? Like, I think what pisses me off the most about men who do stuff like that is that it's bad intentions always. Like, I really don't think that he came back into your life because he was regretful or he was sad or heartbroken. Like, it really was for selfish bad intentions and just the fact that yeah, he wanted a piece of both of you guys, and that's disgusting. And that I think is what pisses me off the most at the end. How it happened, like really, it's like you had to fall off the wagon almost. Yeah, because you were like processing and doing so much better, and I mean, bad on you for reaching back out to him. You know, you knocked on that door, but bad on him because it wasn't just you guys had been cold turkey from the breakup, it was like looking at your stuff, being back in your phone, like telling you that certain things, but then showing you something different, you know, like it wasn't like he was leaving you alone. So I think that's what drove you to like hit him up when you finally did, because you were strong for a really, really, really long time. I was. No, like I literally had this man in my phone like crying to be like, like an addiction. Like literally fell off the wagon, and I feel like it regressed you, but it also like progressed you quicker because you were embarrassed, you're like, uh uh, that has to be it. Yeah. Like that's what you were saying, like it this has to be it. Yeah, because I remember you asked me, like, are you really done? Like, even Haley was like, Are you sure? Like, if he breaks things off with this girl and comes back to you, like, are you positive that you're done? And I was like, No, this is it. Like, once a woman is involved, no, I don't want any more. You can just everything. You can have him, babe. Like, I really don't have. Him anymore. But yeah, I think it was really hard because it was such it felt like a like an addiction. And I remember being so upset when I did when I did call him and reach out to him, and I was like, because I called him after disappointment. After I found out, I was. I was so disappointed. Keep in mind, this is a man I've known since I was 17. When I first met him, he was a great guy, in my opinion. He was a great guy. He is not a great guy anymore, and I think I saw a lot of that transition throughout our relationship. But I remember calling him so upset, and I was like, Did you really have to do that to me? Like you really had to just make things worse for me. Like you couldn't have just left me alone from the beginning. And so that's why I am so just grateful that that situation happened the way that it did. Because it really made me like you just don't you don't do that to someone you love. You don't. You really don't. And even not make them even question their interest in you. I will say, I think he loved me. Um I do think he loved me. I think for sure. But that's that's not the way I want to be loved. Like if that's how you know how to love, I don't want it. And even then, like after the fact, once I I wish I would have paid more attention to this or like been reminded about it, and I think that's why I was so secretive when we were talking in January, because I knew that you guys would check me. Yeah, I knew you guys would check me. I also knew that it wasn't gonna work out. Like I kind of just think it was like you know that song A Couple Minutes by um Olivia Dean. Oh that's kind of how it felt. Like it was just like we're just here for a couple minutes and we're just gonna relive like what it was for a little while. Because he's so mean, he's so mean it's gonna end. Like there's the terrible way out. Yeah, this is not gonna work out. What I was referring to is I knew that you guys would be in my head, and I also knew it myself, but I wasn't as prominent because I wasn't thinking about that. I was just, you know, excited um to have this person back in my life. He was my best friend, so I was I was excited, but I thought about it a lot after the fact. And if this is how he was doing that girl, I do not want a man who's with me and like beginning his relationship with that woman. Yes. From the very beginning, he was two timing her. Yeah, because it was a constant, like he was looking at my stuff, he would see me at the gym and like be looking at me the entire time, or you know, or if I would ever look at it. That makes me mad for my partner. Like, you better not be hung up on your ex. Right. It's sickening. It's sickening, so sickening, like, and that's why, like, I again, like, I think if that would have not happened, if that girl would have not played her part, I think I would still be hung up on him. And it's really funny because we were literally just on the phone yesterday. I said something to my mom, as me, you, and Haley. I said something crazy to my mom, and my mom was like, Miha, I don't know maybe you should feel that way, like blah blah blah. And I was like, Mom, this is good. Like this is good that you even felt comfortable to say that in front of your mom. Because when you love someone, but you are also so aware of how bad they've done you, you you know you have to protect them. You know you have to like keep some things in so that way they don't they hate him. Yeah, and now you're like everybody can hate him, hate him as much as I do. No, and everybody did hate him. Nobody liked him when we did start talking. He said it to me. He was like, I know that I'm public enemy number one, two, three. Like, I'm keep going, Igor. Four, five, six, seven, and eight, nine, ten. For the longest time I was he he was like, I'm gonna make it work. I'm gonna get them on my side. Uh uh, whatever, such bullshit. But you know what? I love Celeste, and I'm not saying she's perfect, I'm not saying that she doesn't have her flaws, I'm not saying that either. I know that there are two sides, there's three sides his side, your side, and the truth. Okay, God's point of view. Okay, there are three sides, but he is in the wrong, and he's been in the wrong for years. Like, this is why I think we need to make this episode because it's like you will meet a man like this. Yeah, it's like these men, he is not the only one I've had in Igor, like, not to that extent and not in that way, but I've had someone that manipulated me and made me think that we were gonna have this beautiful life together. Bam, not gonna happen. Cause one way or another, like in my case, we did start to have a life together, and then he just showed me his true colors, and it was to the point where it was like, Well, I can't have a life with you because you've done this. Whereas Igor, I think, like, he was very manipulative, very teasing, you know, like, no no no, we're gonna make it happen, and then it wouldn't happen. Yeah. And again, like there are, like you said, there are there are three sides to every story, and I'm sure he's got his side, and that's great, and all, but one thing that I know he can always say about me, and I also know that if he were to ever say something crazy about me, like I just don't think people would believe it because they all knew me, and I I loved a good partner. I was a good partner and I loved him, and I never You're very devoted to your relationship. Like Nikki said, there are three sides to every story, and I'm sure he has his story. I have always shown that I was about this person, I wanted to make it work, but I will take accountability for me too. Like, I know like when I was single, I would be calling him. I'd be like, hey, come get me. Like I was crazy too, because you know, like we were just in such a toxic cycle that we were constantly in. I remember I was calling him when I didn't know about the girl, and I tell the girl that I'm like, you know, I didn't know about you, I didn't know you were in the picture. This is why I called him, and I let her. You never would have had you known had I known because when you guys reconnected, he was like, No, I'm good off of that. Yeah, it totally didn't work. Like, he's a liar, he's a manipulator, he's I just like have learned so much about what I want in a man and it's not this. And it makes me sad because that's what I wanted. For years that was what I wanted, and it doesn't make me sad to the point where like, oh, I wish things would have worked out. It just makes me sad that people can change into these terrible people. Yeah, but I basically for the remainder of this episode, I just want to talk about what I did to help me get through this because I really this was the worst heartbreak of my life, and I have been through a couple, and they're all with this man. So yeah, living like they're all a little different, they were all very different for different reasons, for different situations and at different stages in your life because you were 17, so it's like in this era of your life, in this season of your life, what do you think has helped you the most? My friends and family. Period for sure. I don't know what I would have done. Yeah. I think I'm such a I think I'm the type of person that always wants to be around you guys and always wants to just be dido, baby, environment as you guys. But when I was going through this, all I wanted to do was be with you guys. And luckily, um, you guys wanted to be around me too. Luckily we were available. Yeah, luckily y'all were y'all were available. Luckily I moved back. Yeah, this was around the time when you moved back. It was a crazy time. Mm-hmm. I just feel I I did what I had to do, and I had to get myself back on my feet. I had to get motivated about things like I really depended on my parents. I would just cry to my parents and I would let them know exactly how I was feeling, and I never tried to hide that because I did feel like they were the ones who were gonna have my back the most. And they have. And they have, yeah. And I really just tried to depend on everybody around me, and I think I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you, and so I'm thinking, like, what if you don't what if someone is going through this heartbreak and has nobody? Like, what do you do then? Well, I'm gonna tell you something. I have been through that heartbreak and I had nobody. And I feel like what is so good is that you had people, so you had like you have processed everything in real time. Like, really, I don't think that you've lost that much time, like you've been heartbroken, but you've been heartbroken and out and about. You've been heartbroken, but you're still making new memories with your friends, like you're heartbroken and you're still like living life, you know, and that is what's so great about having a support system is that there's still opportunities, but I think when you are heartbroken and alone, you don't process it. And one thing about your body is like it will make you one way or another at some point in time, like you will process it. And so I feel like I didn't process things right away, and so then when I finally had a safe place to, it was like it's so hard because so much time has passed. Like, how could I be so sad about something? But also be in such a good situation, and I'll go into that in a different episode. But I think for everyone that is alone, I think I would just I think for people who are alone and are going through heartbreak, I would just try your best to like feel those emotions because I feel like you felt your emotions. You had those days where like you didn't get out of bed, you had those days where you just wanted to talk about it and cry about it or be mad about it and bent about it, and I feel like maybe someone who is alone like can't do that or felt like they can't feels like they can't because they have to keep doing, they have to keep doing X, Y, and Z. And it's like, no, like feel that, get a therapist, go on your walk, cry about it, scream about it, don't hold anything in. Even if you're crying to yourself, even if you're screaming at nobody, like you still need to do that. Yeah, because eventually you will process those feelings, and it may be at a very inconvenient time in your life where you don't have the time to do it. I agree. But I think that's what I think. I definitely agree with you on that. Eventually you're gonna get to the point where you're gonna have to process it and you're gonna get over it, and you will be fine. Yes, but you have to sit in your feelings and you have to feel it and you have to understand as much as you want to think about why things happened or why they didn't, because that was my big thing. Yeah, I would always You were big on the why, why, how could this happen? Exactly. And I was so mad at God for the longest time. I was like, why? Like, what did I do to deserve this? What did I do to feel this way? But really, he's like, girl, it's because you deserve better. Yeah, you deserve something else. Like, I'm trying to take this out of your life so you can have something better. Yeah, and I get it now, but in that time I was like pissed. I get it now, but in that time I was pissed, yeah. I couldn't understand it, and I would cry all the time, and I would like throw this pity party for myself, and I would try not to, but it's so hard when it's like, uh, why is this not working out? Why have we tried so many times? Like, I clearly love him, I feel like he clearly loves me. Why couldn't this work out? But I think it takes a lot of self-reflection, and I think I did a lot wrong in that relationship too. Um, maybe not that much, but I definitely um did some wrongs and I've learned from that and I'm excited for new relationships because I feel like I had just learned so much about how to be myself and how to be comfortable with myself because I don't feel like I depended on anybody aside from the people that are like you guys and my family. I didn't depend on a man. Like when that guy came in in the picture, like I was okay, like that's the reason why I started going out with him because I felt okay, I felt like I was past it, and like you know, maybe I really deep down I wasn't, but the point is that I felt okay, and I felt like I could have been okay continuing to like respectfully moved on. I just feel like it was a process, but I'm so glad to be in the place that I'm in now. And if my kids are listening to this one day and they're like, How did my mom get over that terrible heartbreak? Like, I just hope they know that it's because they have great aunts and uh uncles, like all my best friends and my siblings and my mom and my dad, like it is because I'm so loved and I'm so grateful. But if there's anything that I would give some advice for, it's life doesn't stop, life continues. You can know it will keep turning. Yeah, the world will keep turning, you just have to keep going. And another thing that I wish I could tell myself back then is it doesn't matter. If they don't want to be with you, they don't want to be with you. If you don't want to be with them, you don't have to be with them. But I was just so stuck in my feelings of like this is how I pictured my life and this is how I want it to be. You're such a romantic though. That's why like we dream of the one and done, like the one and only, forever and ever. And it's like, thank God we get more chances at love. Yeah, you were the one that would you were you would always tell me that. You would always be like, you have so much love to give, like, don't let this stop you. Yeah. And I'd be like, well, girl, like, I don't even know what I would tell you. I think I'd be like, all right, Nikki, like, whatever. Like, I need love right now. Literally, you'd be like, thanks, bestie heart. I'm like, I know you don't want to hear it right now. But look, now you're like, it's true. Thanks, bestie red heart. No, seriously. I'd be like, alright, alright. No, but like it's crazy because then you move on. And you remember those things. When you remember these things. When you remember, I told you that. Yeah, you would tell me so much. Haley would tell me so much, Susie would tell me so much. Like, all my friends would tell me all these great things about how to get how I'm gonna get through it, and I would be like, Yeah, I don't believe you. Like I had that mentality. You were so it's like tunnel vision. Yes. You're like, things are not gonna get better. Yeah, things get even better, and I'm so excited for this version of you. Like to see first, I never really saw you in a relationship, so I don't really have an idea. I just have like your perspective on things and like the unfortunately the bad side of things. But I'm so excited to see like this version of you in a relationship because you're like you're just so fun. Thank you. Nikki lived away and then she moved back when the heartbreak happened, so we weren't we didn't. You came to visit me during a breakup. I did, yeah. No, and see, that was crazy. Let's talk about this real quick. No, because there were so many moments where I was like, oh my gosh, this man is made for me, or like this man is meant for me, because so many things would happen. Like the Dodger game in a stadium full of 50,000 people, we're not talking, and he ends up two people away from me. Like, I thought that was insane. But this time that I went to the city. Because the dog works hard, but the devil works hard too. Yeah, that's true. Haley Susu and I drive up to Oregon for literally less than 36 hours. We were driving up to Oregon. I hadn't spoken to this man. Yeah, I hadn't spoken to Igor in a while. I almost said his name. I know. I hadn't spoken to Igor, and he calls me or texts me, and he's like, I really need to talk to you, blah blah and I'm weak at this point. I was that was another thing. I was very weak throughout this relationship. I'm not that weak girl anymore, but I was very weak, and he texted me asking to talk, and I was like, mmm, now's not a good time. I'm on my way to Oregon. Yeah, and he's like Oregon, and he lived up north at that time, and so he eventually we ended up meeting up and I stayed with him for a while, but whatever. It wasn't even that much fun. It was lame. But I don't know, I love this song. Oh yeah, no, I was sad. I was so sad. You were really sad. As happy as I was, that was. But isn't that crazy that you were reconnecting? But deep down you were still so heartbroken, and I think you just knew the type of person deep down, like your body knows it. Your body it I feel like your body almost like poisons itself, or like I don't know how to explain that. Like, yeah, you only know if you know exactly what I'm talking about and you have felt it, but I mean that was just that's an example. We were telling Celeste, we're like, Celeste, you're literally about to go and see this man. Like, why are you heartbroken? And I don't even know what you would say. Yeah, I was in the car and I was what was the song? Son of the Times and I was in the backseat and I was in tears. But I feel like that's also when you had all of us in the same room to talk about it, and we were constantly talking about it and talking about my situation, and everyone everyone was basically like telling their own stories. Like I that was such a cute trip. That was a time on its own. My last pieces of advice is if they show you once that is who they are, believe them. I think it's really hard to trust yourself and trust your own judgment. You have to. And you have to listen to your instincts. Yeah, and if things are so clearly in your face, like please just believe them. I wish I would have really thought about the fact that this man was two timing me or two no, not two timing me, because he was not with me. Mm-hmm. But he was two-timing her, and I wish I would have I thought about it, but I wish I would have been like I wish I would have been more aware of the fact that if he's doing this to her, he's definitely gonna come around and do this to me. And I don't want that for myself. I don't want to be with a man who is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend. Like, yeah no, I can't. Like, I just that's not no. No, no, no, no. Trust the people around you, they know you best. As much as I thought that this man knew me, and as much as I thought that he wanted the best for me, he didn't. My family did, and my friends did. And if I could go back and be more honest with my friends and talk to my friends and my family more, I Mind you, we all knew. We all knew bestie. But even during the- You're a terrible liar. But even that is a good thing. Yeah, but even during the breakup, like the initial breakup. Yeah, I wish you had started processing right away. Or even just the relationship. I You held a lot in. I held a lot in, and I didn't want to say a lot, but I always knew, and I think that was telling. That's why you didn't want to tell your family, because you're like, this is not a good thing. Yeah. This was not good that this happened. If you're finding yourself keeping quiet, more than likely, your family knows that you're keeping quiet. Your friends know. Like, I feel like my sister and my best friends, like they were kind of already on that path of not liking this man because of how I was, because he didn't allow it. It was such a ref you were such a reflection of your relationship. Yes, you are, and it you really have to pay attention to that. I you really do. It's like I said in the red flag, if he's making you not the best version of yourself, he's not good for you. And I'm like, did I get ugly though? No, but like you can't get ugly, but you were unhealthy. Yeah, I was really unhealthy. You had some unhealthy habits, and so I think that that's something like we all caught on, and also I feel like he just like would poison. I don't know if we're gonna keep this in, but every time that w I was around you, I feel like something was going down between you and him. Like there was an argument or a disagreement or something he was saying was bothering you. And I wasn't around often because I lived in Oregon, so maybe that's not a fair assumption to make, but just that was just my perspective. Like, I'm like, this guy like is stressing out my friend. Like my friend does not look healthy and happy, like and I also was not sharing how bad my relationship was, so I just I just knew. You know, like I just was like, yeah, I'm ugly right now, like I know what he's doing to you. It's tough. It's crazy, but everything happens for a reason. And as much as as much as it sucks to go through this, because I literally felt like this was a gut-wrenching heartbreak. Like I had never been this way, ever. And this was the worst I've ever been. And I'm so glad that I'm not in that situation. It's not gonna happen again. It's not gonna happen again. I hope to God. Like, please. No, no, no, I can't. Um, don't let my heart get broken one more time, please. But it kind of has to happen. So you know what you deserve. What do you think you want to change or do differently the most moving forward? So this doesn't happen again. I think I want to choose my partner in a better way. So I think I was really young when I chose this man to be a part of my life for so long. And now looking now as I'm dating and meeting new people, I need to choose the right man. You're being more selective. More selective. But as far as myself, um, I think I was very toxic. I think I was very if I had an attitude or I was upset or whatever, I would just shut down. I'm not shutting down. I'm very communicative now. I think it's it also when you you can be that way, it's because that person makes you feel comfortable. So, like around you and hey, like you know, all my friends, like I am communicative because I feel comfortable enough to do that. And I just know that that is the case for a man as well. I just need to focus more on being happy. I feel like a lot of the time, if I'm just happy, if I'm just good, if I just like you'll radiate that and positive and loving, yeah, you're gonna radiate that. And I just need to envision that life for myself and that personality because that's who I am. Like, I am not this like sad, quiet, like, no, I'm not that. No, and he made me that. Like, even around like his people, like I would just be like so like so nervous, so scared, like I don't know, for whatever freaking reason, but I was not myself. I don't know, as much as I want to say that he knew me best, I don't think he knew me best, and I don't think he got the best version of me either. Not to say that he got the worst version of me, but I think he just dimmed me so much that I wasn't myself, and I think if I start noticing that I'm not myself around my partner, it's because I need to make big changes, and that partner is like who needs to be my partner. Period. I love that. That is really good mentality moving forward. Yeah, but for all my little nieces and for all the girls who have had their heart broken, it really does get better. Like I remember listening to that and being like, You guys are liars, like it's not getting better. Like, I'm in the same spot, but I just did this whole pod. Didn't cry once. Nope. No, and I'm the biggest crybaby. Literally still smiling. Yeah, still have a good energy. So I feel good. I feel happy. Like, this is like Yes. Yeah, I've said my piece, and I feel good about it, and I'm just happy that I can finally like put this man behind me and never think back about him again. Yeah, never look back at him. You never have to Yeah, thank God I don't have to look at him. No, guys, I recently went on a date with somebody and he reminded me a lot about my ex boyfriend. I was like, absolutely I was like, I can't do it. Thank you. It wasn't even like it wasn't even mannerisms or like personality because the guy was. Great, but he resembles a lot about him, and I was like, I can't do it. No, thank you. Bye. You can't go.

unknown 44:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:09

But I feel good. And I'm so happy that we have this pod to talk about it. And you know, again, like I feel I do feel stupid talking about this on here, but I'm happy that I'm able to. I'm happy that we created this spot that we can talk about how we feel and talk about these hard things that we had to go through. And I'm content. And if you listened and you decide to be a hater, then you're a hater, and that says more about you than it does about me. Period. I'm really happy that we had this talk. And personally, when I tell my story or whatever from beginning to end, I feel lighter every time that I have done that. I don't do it very often because it is such a heavy topic. But like this, obviously, it's just gonna get easier to talk about. And maybe you'll get to the point where you're like, I'm done talking about it. Like maybe after this, you're like, okay, it's out there. I feel like I feel like I feel good about it. Good. And also, if you're dating me, um I hope you did not hear this. I didn't know. No, we all have a story and we all have baggage, and if you can't handle my baggage, her baggage, anyone else's, we're not for you. What are you so seriously serious about today, Nyx? You haven't called me that in so long. I literally just called you that the other day. I actually called you that last night on the text messages. That's true. Yeah. Anywho, I'm so seriously serious about I was gonna say vetting your next man. I'm serious about that too. Because that's how I felt with my new partner. Like, I never really cared about what anyone thought about my partner. But I'm like, maybe I should. Maybe the people who love me and support me should have an opinion on who is gonna be in their life for the rest of their lives. And we are a reflection of our relationship, therefore, we're like that's who we are in our friendships and in our family. Yeah, so last night when I was talking to Haley and Robert, I said, I kind of want to bring this guy around and for you guys to see how you feel about him. You should come to the barbecue. Too soon? I don't know, we'll see. Um, and Haley Haley's telling Robert, like, oh Celeste wants us to meet him just to see how he is, blah blah blah. And Robert was like, Well, it should be if she's happy, like it shouldn't matter what we think. And I was like, No, Robert, like you're right. It will be. Obviously, yeah, it will be, but I still want him to know how you guys get along, like how it is, like just to get a feel for that. And he was like, Okay, okay, I'm down. Yeah, so yeah, that'll be coming. That's what I'm so seriously serious about. I'm like, let's take a vote. Does the majority rule? It's like no matter who you're spending your time with, yeah, it's important. You know who taught me that though? Me? No. Oh, but you looked at me. No, because I'm pretty sure you have to know who I'm talking about. Someone who brought me along everywhere, blah blah blah. That man taught me that it is okay to do that. And you shouldn't be wanting to do that. You should be wanting to bring bring your people together and see how they mesh. With boundaries, not your family. Yeah, you want to bring anyone around your family. Roseanne, that's different. Uh it's a red flag for that. Yeah. Bat for your man. Yeah. What are you seriously serious about? Um what are you seriously serious about? Um, I am so seriously serious about seriously serious about my friends on this episode. I just like want to just like hug you all the time. I just want to be around my friends all the time right now, and I wanna be on FaceTime with you guys all the time, but everybody's freaking busy. Like, I'd be trying to call you guys and decline, decline. I'm like, decline, decline, you're clean. I think that you look at her locations, you're like, I can't call them. No, you're at work, right? So I take it as a decline. Like I know like, yeah, they can be at work sometimes. Daily be working sometimes. Everybody's just busy all the time, and some people have their locations off, some people can't call them if their locations off, so it's just hard. But I love you guys, and I'm just I love being around my friends, and I hope everybody gets a group of friends like mine. Oh my gosh, that is what I wanted to say as an advice. Oh, like an advice for heartbreak. Find a community, find your girlhood or your manhood. Like, if you're a man that's going through heartbreak, find a healthy outlet to deal with this. Because I know we can't choose our family, and some people's families aren't supportive or aren't understanding, or you just don't have that relationship to pour your heart out, which in my case, my heartbreak, and I think your case too, it has brought you closer to your family. But you don't have to be alone, you know, but it does take effort, and I think you should put the effort in to like have that, and you don't need to have five-ten friends, find one or two really good people in your life. If you can find more than that, that's great. That just like really hold it down for you because that is how you get through life. Like, life is so hard, it is so freaking hard. There's something new coming at you all the time. Uh sometimes I feel like I can't catch a break. Yeah, but that's what makes life better. Yeah, find your people, find your community. That is what I wish I would have told myself sooner. Like, it's okay to rely on your friends, like it's okay, it's okay to be able to communicate and to be vulnerable. Like, I held back so much, and even I'm something I'm still working on, but it's like it's okay. It's okay. You know how like they say, like, it's okay for men to cry? Like, someone needed to tell me that. Like, it's okay to feel your feelings. And I'm glad you feel that way. Yeah, thanks. And one more thing that I want to say. But one time his friend, one of his friends, I figured out or I found out that his friend was like, Oh my gosh, she needs to get over this. Yeah. And I was like, first of all, who are you to tell me to get over my seven-year relationship? Like, you don't even know me like that. And if I'm gonna talk about it, if I feel this way, I'm gonna talk about it and I'm gonna feel this way because your friend made me feel this way. So if anything, maybe talk to your people. Take it up with Igor. I was so distraught by this because I was again, like, I'm not this evil person. Like, when I care about somebody, I really devote my time and effort into their people, their life. And you know what? Everybody wants a caring, sweet, devoted partner, but they don't want to deal with the other side of that. Yeah. Where it's like, you have brought me to this such emotional, insecure, terrible place, and I'm gonna reflect those emotions, and you're gonna hate me for it now. Yeah, because it doesn't benefit you, because it's inconvenient for you. Absolutely not. This man made me insecure, like in so many ways. Like I am happy that I'm not that girl anymore because I was never insecure. It wasn't until I started dating him and like really got to that kind of toxic point where I started becoming so insecure. But god damn, like I have never been known to be insecure ever. And I feel like I'm finally back here, but I finally feel good. I'm finally happy that like this happened the way that it did. I think I would have felt so insecure had he not been talking to somebody else or been in a relationship with somebody else, because then I would have been thinking so much about that person, but it helps so much that I know how he's treating her.

unknown 51:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

You know the truth. I know he's trying to do it. You know who he really is. I know the truth. No disrespect. You didn't lose a good guy. I didn't, no. Yeah, that's my version of him. And I just hope nobody ever gets a version this terrible. But I um don't wish him well, and I don't wish him any bad either. Just God bless him. Indifferent. Indifferent. Indifferent. By Meg and Roni, everyone should listen to it. It's really good. Yeah, so I really just want to thank everyone for listening to this. This was a very vulnerable topic for me, and honestly, I'm gonna be really nervous when this comes out. But I think it's really important that the girls know how it is when you deal with someone this way. How it is when you deal with someone in this manner, and how hard it is to get back up. And it's normal. It's normal for someone to literally I hope nobody ever goes through this, but unfortunately it does. Some men will destroy you and beat you down to the floor until they feel accomplished, and it's important to really just stay away from them. If you can't stay away from them, like my case, I was not able to stay away from him. Learn your lesson. Learn your lesson. And it's okay to one day admit that and admit that you were wrong. Like I was wrong, and I'm okay with that because I'm better now. I'm a much better person. I don't dwell. Yeah. Don't dwell on it. Life goes on, and there's always someone else. Things get better, and there's so much love to give, and everything will be okay in the end. And honestly, if it's not, it's probably not over, and it's not the end, and there's still way more after that. So I pray for everyone to have just so much love, and thank you so much for listening. We are seriously just girls. Clearly. I'm Celeste and I'm Nikki. We'll talk to you guys next week. Bye guys.