I Don't Need You Anymore

 In this episode of Still Choosing Us, Omar and Yami talk about the turning point in their marriage when their relationship shifted from dependence to intentional partnership. They share how unmet expectations, fear, identity struggles, and outside pressures shaped their early years—and how personal growth, faith, and self-awareness helped them move from needing each other to choosing each other every day. This conversation invites couples to reflect on where their needs come from and what it looks like to build a stronger, healthier foundation together. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Before we start, if your marriage feels hard right now, you're not failing.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

And if you were talking, I don't know if I can keep doing this, you're not weak.

SPEAKER_02 0:08

You're certainly not alone.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

This pocket is not about perfect marriage. We don't have one.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

We've been married 18 years. There's a 13-year age gap between us. We blended a family young and we raised kids while still growing up ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

We walked through property, trauma, and fight we didn't know how to fix. There were times we were not sure we can make it.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

But we kept choosing it again.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Again after disappointment, again after hard seasons.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

This podcast is for couples in the middle.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

We are not here to give you a perfect answer.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

We're just still here, and we're glad you're too much. So do you know that most relationships start with need? Emotional need, financial need, identity need, but at some point something shifts.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Then you realize you don't actually need the person anymore, and that moment is scary because now staying become a choice.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

So today we're talking about the moment our relationship changed from needing each other to choosing each other. Hi, I'm Yami.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

And I'm Omar.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

And today we are talking about the moment our relationship shifted from needing each other to wanting each other to choosing each other. And as we were preparing for this episode, we kind of had to go back to the beginning. In the beginning. In the beginning. Where it was pure chaos, need, survival. It was all sorts of hot.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

It's not normally how everything is store. Yes. A little bit of chaos in the beginning. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

And we had quite a bit.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

So I started thinking about like, okay, how was I in this relationship in the beginning? What was I expecting from you? And most of it was emotional need. I you were gonna be my savior. You were the prince in the white horse that was gonna come in and fill every void that I ever had in my life.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Well, I didn't have a white horse, I had a Cadillac.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

You did have a Cadillac, which we liked.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

I know that was a good car. Anyways, that was not a point.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

And so it made me think of this quote that I heard from Harville Hendrick. He's a relationship therapist. He said, Romantic love begins with the illusion that our partner will meet all of our unmet childhood needs. We project unresolved emotional needs on our partner. And I think the biggest word in that whole quote is the illusion.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Yeah, I know. We create this little world that we think we need to that it's gonna be certain way and it become an illusion when everything starts settling down and it's not like that anymore. It sure happened to me.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Because my needs were different than yours. So my two needs that I needed in that time, it was sex and fun time.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Wow, cheeky, wow, wow. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

So I just wanna have a good time and I just want to have sex.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Okay, now why sex was so important? Tell everybody.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Did everything have to say then?

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

Okay, so you are my first one.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Yes. He was a virgin.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Yep. And as long as I had those two things right there, I created an illusion that that's exactly you. We're gonna do that all the time. That's the way it was gonna be all the time for us.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

But it was in the beginning. Well, in the beginning, I mean you were getting it all the time.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

You're getting the honeymoon part.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Every time I gave it to you, you gave me the cuddles and the hugs and the all the stuff I needed.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Okay, but remember, in the beginning, it was easy to do then.

SPEAKER_02 4:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Because we're getting to know each other, we want to be part of each other's life as much as possible. So that was easy.

SPEAKER_04 4:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

I can give you the cuddles and everything, and then you can, you know, you retaliate back and you know.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

But then reality settles. And we got married, and we were living together.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Well, okay. Don't make it seem like we got married and that's it.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

No, no. I mean, even in the beginning of our marriage. Yeah, you just even in the beginning of our marriage, it it was still very sexual, very but it was very turmoil too.

unknown 4:53

Of course.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

There was so much turmoil. I mean, I felt like we were, at least for me, I felt like I was surviving all the time.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Oh, me too. I mean, it's you know, once the honeymoon passed, you know, it's a little bit of survival in there.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Yeah. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

But we loved each other.

unknown 5:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:13

And the thought was there. But I really depended on you to give me stability. I was broken and I leaned on you for support. You were gonna fulfill everything in my life, and I was gonna be stable and certain that life was gonna be great.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

My guy, if we were so different. God because I love you, and I was in love with you in that time. I just don't need to survive. I just didn't care for it. I was young. Yeah. As long as I have sex and fun time, I don't care for anything else.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

But I already had two kids.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

I know. You already are head of kids.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

I needed I needed a forever at that moment.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

No, of course. You were you were ahead of the game compared to me. Yeah. So it was two different mindsets. So no wonder why we had a little bit of turmoil in the beginning.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

Yeah. Yeah. But because of course, yeah, I couldn't fulfill all your needs every day, 24 hours a day, and you could have fulfilled my needs all the time, there was fear that stepped into the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

And my biggest fear was rejection, right? If you didn't look at me with googly eyes every single day and come up behind me and hug me every five minutes that I expected that was gonna happen, then you were rejecting me. And I think you felt a little bit of that too when our sex life started to change some.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Oh, yeah. Because why start changing, all that honeymoon stage changed. And for me, it was a fear of failure. Start building up in there, and I'm gonna explain a little bit more on that.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Yeah, go for it.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

So, like you said in the beginning, right? You already had two kids, you have kind of like a life, stable, a stable life already. You had a house, a career that you were working on, you're about to graduate with your bachelor's degree and all that kind of stuff. So here I come along and I try to fit in in your life.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

Right?

SPEAKER_02 7:17

You're you were like molding yourself to be the man I needed to be.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Exactly. So when that happens, a little bit of fear started kicking in because I didn't want to fail. I hate failing. That's just one of the things that is, I think, is my downfall big time. So and I put that up on my shoulders. I didn't want to fail you, I don't want to fail the kids, I don't want to fail any of that because man, in reality, the reality was that you sacrifice a lot just to be with me. I mean, you were 34-year-old with a life already, and here come alone this 21-year-old, and I was in love with you, I fell in love with you, and I just didn't want to fail you. So that created fear in my life.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Yeah. And I think we also had a lot of outside stress. Yeah. Because we had all eyes on us. Everybody was hoping we'd fail. We all our friends, well, so-called friends, walked away away from us because they didn't agree with our relationship. And then your dad struggled with our relationship in the beginning. And your father struggled too. And my father struggled. And so here now we're trying to figure ourselves out, but we're also trying to prove to the world that you're all wrong and we're gonna make it.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

Yeah, we can do this. Which, matter of fact, we did make it.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

We did.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

That's why here we are. Of course we are, we made it. I mean we're doing this thing. But the most interesting part of that is I don't think nobody that thought that we were gonna make it is still marrying to this. To this day.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

We are the only one from all that group that's still marry.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

I think so too. And then and our parents adore each of us. Like your parents adore me, and my parents adore you.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

We have a great relationship with our.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

We do, we do. I mean, everything's just shifted so much.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

I look forward to seeing my father-in-law.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

Yeah, yeah. So I oh, you know, because of those pressures, right? I felt like I had to make things work. I had to make sure that you were happy, that you were good, that you would stay to make things work. Did you ever feel responsible for holding everything together?

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Yes. I mean, think about it, right? We already kind of covered this a little bit in the beginning. I had a response I feel responsible for you. That's number one. I feel responsible for the kids. I need to I feel responsible for the safekeeping of the kids and the family. That was a big deal. I need to do all that. I need to make sure that their well-being is met in every aspect of their life, you know, financially, physically, emotionally, and all that kind of stuff. I need to be a pro it had to be the house, they need to feel protected in their house as well. And I wanted to prove that I can hold all that together. So by doing that, you know, you put a sense of responsibility in on you, and those things are legit. Those things are you need to feel responsible for those things. The problem that I was having is it was it was overworking myself. I was overworking myself. Yeah, because you put the expectation on yourself. Exactly. It was not I need to do this. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was every day I had to do, I need to do something so I can prove that I have all this together. Versus the wanting part.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Yeah. And and honestly, we are nowhere 100% where we should be. There's still expectations that we have each other. Yeah. There's still expectations that society has put upon marriages that we fall into.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Or cultures or your family. I mean, there's so many things that we're told a marriage should look like.

SPEAKER_00 11:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:04

And so there's still moments that all that stuff creeps in. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

I mean, and also when you feel responsible for all these things, it creates a sense of worth. You find your worth in that you you I had the tendency. I cannot say you or anybody else, but I used to find a tendency to find the worth in those things. And I like the quote from Bernard Brown. He said, You can expect, you can't expect someone else to give you a sense of worth that you don't already have.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

Yeah. Yeah. We couldn't depend on each other. You can find your worth in me.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

No, you cannot give me that worth. I mean, only I can find that worth in myself.

SPEAKER_02 11:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Nobody else can give it to me. I mean, nobody's when I get out of this house, nobody's in the street looking at me and say, hmm, wow, look at him.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

He's so worth it.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Exactly. I mean, you need to know who you are.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

And I bring uh I had a conversation with uh with our pastors, a good friend, and he asked the question, who's Omar? And that stayed in my mind into this day.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

And that helped me to find my worth and your own identity. My own identity. And I'm still working on it.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

And it's awesome. I like it.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

And so we did have a turning point in our marriage.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

Thank Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

Thank you, God. Amen. And it was, it started with me. I was no longer seeking you for, well, I didn't want to seek you anymore to fulfill my needs.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

Everything started with Johnny.

SPEAKER_02 12:38

Everything started to meet me.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

She is a pioneering everything.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Like I said in the last segment, I am a go-getter. So when I set my mind to do something, I'm going to go get it. And I did. And I was gifted a ticket to go see Tony Robbins in Unbreakable Life. And that was life-changing. Like that weekend, I went away. I didn't even talk to Omar or the kids all weekend. I completely disconnected and I did it all for me. Because that was the turning point where I needed to figure out who Yami was.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

You did it all by yourself.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

I did it all by myself in this arena of 13,000 people. Even walked over Coles by myself.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

I know that's actually pretty cool.

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Which was pretty cool. I still have the little cult chips from that.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_02 13:28

And it was a big turning point for us.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Well, that's when the other minds start changing in us. That's when we start discovering more so this language, you know, mindset, finding your identity and all that kind of stuff. And we started discovering that and we start experimenting with these things. And that's what's started helping our life shifting in that moment.

SPEAKER_02 13:51

Yeah. We started doing more self-help books. We started listening to more Tony Robbins and other people like Mel Robbins. Mel Robbins. Oh, interesting. They both have the same last name. But we we really started to dig in. And that's when COVID hit. We were stuck at home. And I think for us that was such a great time because we had all the time in the world.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

I mean, the worst up completely.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

And we were at home. We were our own project. And God, it was such a moment of explosion for us in our life.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

It was so good.

SPEAKER_02 14:33

And and for me, that's when I realized that you cannot fulfill my needs. Like that is not your job. Your job is to be my partner, not the savior.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

I love it. You know, about the same time for me was mind change changing.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

That I didn't need to hold the whole world on my shoulder, and I can just, you know, find my worth and find who I was. And and that's what started and that started changing a lot. I mean, COVID, it was horrible, but it helped us in that time.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

It did. And we did, and then we did Unbreakable Life during COVID. Yes. And we've got to be a good thing. Because Tony Robbins actually did it online. And the emotions were so much and the shifts were so much. So we actually got COVID. We both got COVID. Because if anybody's ever been to a Tony Robbins conference, they call it the Tony flu. And it's because your emotions shift so quickly that you do end up sick. And we we both ended up with COVID right after Unbreakable Life.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

So much fun.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

So much fun. But it's not all fun in games when you're changing.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

No.

SPEAKER_02 15:48

And it's not always perfect.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

No.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

And I feel like a little bit of fear of independence.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Well, in the beginning it is.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

But then after that you feel free. It's such a it's a free feeling into that when you start m understanding what is it that you're doing and how you want to do it. You know what I mean? What is it that you wanted to get out of that? When you start finding the worth that you know about yourself. In the beginning it's, you know, you feel a little bit of a fear. But then after that, it just it goes into freedom.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

For me, it was joy. I, God, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was starting to be me.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

Who I am. And so many things just break off. You know, it's like these these loads on your shoulder start to fall apart.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:45

And I can see why so many people in marriage just say they feel lost. Yeah. And we even heard that, right? We went to his concert this weekend, and in the concert, one of the singers was talking about his life, and he mentioned how he was in a relationship for 90 years and he lost himself. And the only solution for him was to leave that relationship, and that's how he found his voice and started singing and all that.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah. For me, it was different. I love the fact that I didn't have to prove that I had to be that man. They had to hold everything together. It's okay to to fail sometime.

SPEAKER_04 17:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

So by doing that, it helped me to just realize that I my worth of myself, and then I can be a better man for you. And it changed my values for myself. And, you know, I went from needing to do things for you, I went to wanting to do things for you.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Yeah. And our growth didn't happen together simultaneously.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Like we said in the beginning, you always go before everybody else.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

So do you want to talk a little bit about how you felt that one time that annoying? Because you were so annoyed by me.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Annoying. I think that's the short answer of your question.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

He was so annoyed with my changes because every day I was learning something new, and every day I wanted to share with him. So let me explain that one.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Let me explain that a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 18:16

No, I wasn't.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

You had you had grace for me in that time.

SPEAKER_03 18:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

The thing is, you were growing so fast and you were moving so fast, and you like to talk to me, and I'm grateful for that. I had to hear all these changes so rapidly. And I remember this.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

And you weren't in that place at that moment.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

No, of course not. I mean, I was trying to figure out life in that moment.

SPEAKER_04 18:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

I mean, we moved, we recently moved to Texas and we had to figure it out all this stuff. But I remember this particular day, it was a Saturday. I was sleeping, and you were doing this thing called priming, which is a Tony Robin exercise that I highly recommend for everybody to do it. If you're not familiar with that, just search it out. It's amazing. And you're doing the priming, and at the end of the priming, you have to feel all these emotions and you have to have a release. And I remember you she started screaming and crying. God knows what she experienced in that moment. The funny part is the funny thing is the kids come out of the room, the two girls come out of the room and they go check on you. And I'm in the bed, and I'm not even getting after check on you. I'm just thinking like, oh my God, now what? What is the next thing that she's gonna what what is this next thing that she has figured out? And and it was a little bit annoying in the beginning, but once I start seeing you changing and start seeing how you would your development, it was intriguing. I was like, oh my god, I want a part of that. I want to be, I want to feel that. And and that was pretty cool. But like I said, the the key of all this story was you never shove anything down my throat.

SPEAKER_02 19:54

No.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

You always had patience and compassion for me, and I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_02 20:00

We had to learn that you can't change the person. We cannot, again, save the person, change them. People have to change for themselves.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Of course. You had to and I had to learn that. Yeah, you had to want it.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

And so I did. I I did not push anything down your throat, but I also didn't stop myself. I didn't hold myself back because you weren't ready. I needed to be healthy, and it's what I needed. And you know, it wasn't just Tony Robbins. We read books.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

We started learning from the pastors that we had in our lives. Thankfully, we've had during this journey these amazing pastors that are all about identity and finding yourself.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

And that help a lot. And that, oh God, yes. And the grace, right? To have the grace to have on you. And as if you decide that this is a journey for you, if you decide that, oh my God, yes, I need to know who I am, find it in whatever means makes it happen for you. Whether it's a book, whether it's listening to people, whether it's talking to a friend. But it's always it always has to be uplifting. It has to be something that doesn't cause shame in you wanting to be different. Because I think that's also another thing, right? We have all these expectations from family and culture and society and churches and and we found our unique flavor in our marriage.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

Well, everybody have their own unique flavor.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

Yes. So, you know, this is just a little side note for everybody. It doesn't have to look the same for everyone. As long as you just want it, it can happen.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Um that's the fun part. That's the I think that's the area that you can have fun with it.

SPEAKER_04 21:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

Because you can you don't have to copy anybody or you don't have to do it exactly with somebody else. Is doing. I mean, if it's a book or a podcast that you're listening to Oh yeah, podcasts. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

I mean, those are great.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Yeah. I mean, you don't have to do it exactly what they said.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

No.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

I mean, you can copy what they do, and I think 80% of the time you copy what everybody else is doing and you put it your own little flavor, 20% in there of your flavor. Yeah. And it worked out really good. Actually, it can work out a lot faster for you than somebody else.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Yeah. So, anyways, that's just a little PSA for everybody. So you mentioned something that I'm gonna I want to bring up again about how there was some fear when the independence started. When we both started growing, and now we're becoming two individuals in this marriage, no longer trying to satisfy the other person, but really finding ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Do you want to talk a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Well, you want to talk about the fear of independence? Yeah. Well, in the beginning, it's just you feel this kind of fear, at least for me, because it can feel like a separation. Right? Because now you're finding yourself and you're getting to know who you are. I'm finding myself, I'm getting to know who I am. And when you start discovering, when I was starting to discover my independence and you were starting to cover yours, it feels like we're pulling away.

SPEAKER_04 23:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

Okay, that's and that's really interesting. You feel in the beginning that you're pulling away. The part is that you don't realize is when you start finding yourself and and the other person start finding yourself and love is there, even though when you feel you're pulling apart, it just brings you back together.

SPEAKER_04 23:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Because, okay, here's the fun part. Now you realize, hmm, I don't need you anymore.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Okay? And then you ask the question if I don't need this person anymore, or this person don't need me anymore, why is it that I'm here? And the answer is the maturing process of that is I don't need you anymore, but I want you in my life.

SPEAKER_04 24:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:03

And I want this person to be part of my life. And like I said, in the beginning that can cause a little bit of fear.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

Yeah, because there was so much codependence.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

And all of a sudden, it's not dependent.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Yeah. You realize now you have a sense of what is the word that I'm looking for? Responsibility. Yes. Now you are responsible for yourself. Okay. So you become in a mature adult.

SPEAKER_04 24:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Now you don't have, now you, my wife, don't have to fulfill my needs. I have to find out my way.

SPEAKER_04 24:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

And now, you know, you create a separation. That separation is good. So you can realize, I don't need this person. I want this person.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Yeah, it makes me think of Tony Robbins when he talks about the six human needs. Yeah. I'm going to read them really quick. It's certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth and contribution. And the first four is always like you're seeking something outside has to grant you that. You know, we we find, I was finding my significance in you and how you treated me, how much you loved me. And if you were good that day, then I was worthy. You wanted the certainty that I was going to be that wife there forever, that you were going to get all the sex you wanted. And, but you also like variety and you wanted to have the freedom to have fun whenever you wanted and get up and go when you wanted.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

So we depended on each other on these human needs. When we shifted our human needs to the last two, which was growth contribution. Growth, because now we're growing ourselves and we can contribute into this marriage what we want to contribute. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

I actually would like to add up in their connection as well. Because actually we connected more.

SPEAKER_04 25:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

When we start changing than before.

SPEAKER_04 25:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Because now you're not coming from a way and from a way of looking at it like I need, I need this person. The connection it was different because now we want each other.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

Yeah. Yeah. But I did struggle a little bit. I do remember I felt like, what is happening? You you don't love me the same way. You know, you're not kissing my ass the way you used to. I want you, I want you to do that. And and it was because I was still in that need, right? I still would fall back into the need of the of you fulfilling my my emotions.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 26:35

And I mean, there's still moments, right? Like it's never perfect. You're you're growing all the time. But the awareness, I think, is what changed for us. Because now we had an awareness. Now we understood human needs. We understood where they came from. And we were aware of our own emotions, our own expectations and things that were happening. You know, like how we were reacting to each other in situations.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Well, in the beginning, it feels like you have, in the beginning, you feel tension, but then that tension changed to freedom.

SPEAKER_04 27:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

And now you have freedom. You have freedom to be yourself. You have freedom to enjoy whatever comes. You have freedom to even if you just stay home one day and just watch TV.

SPEAKER_02 27:22

It's a maturing process.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

It's what we went through.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

That's it.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

A maturing process.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

Start growing. You're becoming more responsible for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

But I think that unconsciously, some people can keep their partners dependent because, you know, you don't realize it, right? I I didn't realize what I was doing to you. I didn't realize that I was putting these pressures and these expectations on you. So I kept you dependent.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Yeah. I don't think no okay. So I think nobody knows that you're creating a dependency in somebody else. Yeah. Because, I mean, come on, let's be honest with each other. This is the person that you are next to all the time. Yeah. Before you get before you go to work, after work, and all that. So it's easy to get those things confused.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Yeah. And I mean, I know you and me, right? We come from kind of the same culture. And we're only taught that you have to depend on your husband. Your husband's supposed to take care of everything. Yeah. And then the wife is supposed to, you know, the man takes care of everything and then the woman fulfills the needs.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

So I mean, you know, we had that as well, right? But there is healthy independence. And I think that's where we're at at this moment. Now, to me, that looks like taking responsibility for my own needs and emotions and understanding that that's not what you're there for.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

I had to understand what my needs were, where they were coming from, and how to work through that.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 28:50

How did you how do you see it?

SPEAKER_00 28:53

So for me, it was kind of the same way, but in a different area. You know, I had to realize that I was not living my life. You know, I was trying to live somebody else's life. So I can fulfill those needs for you, so I can find my worth and I can make this happen. And I can succeed, and you know, I can hold all those things together.

SPEAKER_04 29:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

Right. The moment that I have to the moment that I start having freedom in areas in my life to be able to grow for myself and be independent from you and you know and who you are also allow me to reassure myself. Myself.

SPEAKER_04 29:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

It was easy. I don't know. Once you start realizing these things, it's not so complicated.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

And I don't think it was you, uh the reassurance helped you fulfill my needs. You wanted to do things for me.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Of course. Now I want things to do. I want to do things for you because it's a pleasure for me to do those things for you.

SPEAKER_04 30:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:10

It don't come out of work. It's I do it because I enjoy doing it.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

I think for me, one of the biggest things was I was able to find my voice. I've always been so careful about what I say. And I'm very outspoken. I mean, I'm not I'm not very nice about everything I say, but of course, in this marriage, I didn't want us to fight. So a lot of times I bit my tongue and didn't say things.

SPEAKER_00 30:37

Brother, we fight a lot. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

I know. We did. But believe it or not, we could have fought a lot more because I kept quiet a lot.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

Oh, I kept quiet. Yeah, you did too.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

I know. We both did. But the more I knew me, the more I understood my identity, the more I grew into myself. I was able to voice what I liked and did not like. And I still do. I'm I remember I used to even be afraid that if I didn't cook every day, you'd think I was lazy.

SPEAKER_00 31:08

Oh my god, yes, I remember that. Do you remember that? It was so stupid.

SPEAKER_02 31:11

And now it's like you'll call me and be like, oh, what's for dinner? I'm like, yeah, dude, I didn't cook today. Just grab something on the way home, or we have bread and we can do coffee and bread.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

Like that's a that's a Cuban thing. Cuban bread and coffee is a thing.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

Explain that a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 31:31

Yeah, we like toast with bread. With bread. And sometimes that's our dinner.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Well, toast don't go with bread.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

I mean, oh sorry. Toast coffee. Yes. But you know, that that for me was huge because now it was like, oh my God, I can say what I feel. I can say that I I don't I don't feel that pressure at all anymore. You know, and and I I know that you were Mr. Fix It All, right? When did you finally stop feeling like you had to fix it all?

SPEAKER_00 32:07

Oh my God. The moment that I say the words to you, I don't need you in my life, I want you in my life. And I remember exactly what we would talk about something. And I look at you and I said, you know what, Yami, I really don't need you in my life, but I want you in my life.

SPEAKER_04 32:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

It may me take me it may take me a little bit longer to do the things that you do because you are really good in doing things like keeping the finances of the house, remembering things, appointments, things for the kids, listening to the kids. I mean, you can do so much great things. You do so much amazing things. It may take me a little while to get there, but I eventually will get it right.

SPEAKER_04 32:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

And now we hear we live in a world with so much technology that you can learn how to do a spreadsheet and all that kind of stuff. So I can do those things. But I appreciate that you do those things. Because I like it.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

So you enjoy it.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

So I don't like that stuff.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:56

I don't care for that.

SPEAKER_02 32:57

I hate painting, so you paint the house for it. I paint the house and I do all the things that I'm gonna do. So every time I decide to change colors.

SPEAKER_00 33:02

Exactly. So I do all the projects that you don't want to do in the house. I do kitchen remodeling and all that kind of stuff. But once you once I said those words to you, I just came to realize that man, I really, really, really want to be with this person. You know, this person made me better. And it's a joy for me to be with you.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

And you no longer had to fix everything.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

No. And it's okay to fail.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

Yeah. Oh my god, yes, because we still do all the time. I mean, I got annoyed by you two seconds before we turn on the recording in this podcast.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

You did?

SPEAKER_02 33:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

I don't remember. Yeah. You see what I'm talking about? But it's so those just realizing just by saying those words, it just it was free because, you know, now everything that I do, I do it because I want to do it.

SPEAKER_02 33:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

You know, it's just it's just fun.

SPEAKER_02 33:53

So now let's talk about what it looks like to choose someone. So for me, right? The moment I look at you and I don't need you.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

I look at the moments that I want to share my life with you. Like now, I want to share everything with you. I look forward to talking to you every day. I look forward to you getting home. I look forward to the drives. I look forward to going to the gym with you. I want to do these things with you. I want to. So because I want to do all these things with you, I choose to be with you every single day.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

Yeah, for me is when I realize the moment that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It would just know the person that I'd rather be than you.

SPEAKER_04 34:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:43

And the reason why is because you made me better. You always have made me better. This version of who I am right now in this stage of my life, I would have not accomplished that if you were not next to me.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:58

That's the truth. That's that's the that's the bottom line.

SPEAKER_02 35:00

I mean, same here.

unknown 35:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

Same here.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

That's the bottom line. Um, sometimes I think about what my life would look like if I had not met you, and I can, my God, it would be probably boring.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

I brought the fun into your life. In the beginning, I brought all the fun you wanted.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

I mean, okay, but here's the thing, right? Even though in the beginning that's one of the things that I needed, but because we were able to find each other and have the freedom to be who we are in this marriage, now we have more than what we used to have in the beginning.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Because it's not a pressure anymore.

SPEAKER_00 35:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 35:47

It was a pressure before. It was an expectation.

unknown 35:51

Damn it.

SPEAKER_00 35:53

But that's the beautiful thing about it, right? When you give the person the freedom to be who they are and allow them to do the changes that they want to do. And I know it can be scary in the moment because now you are allowing that person to run free. And when I'm talking about run free, it's not like, oh, just run free and the way you're gonna go.

SPEAKER_02 36:14

Oh, go date somebody. It's not what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_00 36:17

It's easy for that person to just find their way. And in that mean, in the meantime, you find your own way as well. And that's what happened to us. Like, and you know, I like that you said that it's not the recipe that is gonna work for everybody else.

SPEAKER_02 36:31

Yeah. And and for me, even like in the hard times, right? Because I mean, we have hard times. You know, last year, God, I felt like it was one thing after another last year.

SPEAKER_00 36:41

I cannot even remember last year.

SPEAKER_02 36:43

Wow. Do we need to take you to get help?

SPEAKER_00 36:47

Maybe.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

Because last year was only a couple months ago, honey.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

But this year's fun. We have a lot of things planned for this year. It's so cool. So, anyways.

SPEAKER_02 36:57

But even in those tough moments, I choose to be by your side. Like, I never think, oh my God, I it's so hard. I don't even want to be with him. Like, I never, those thoughts never crossed through my mind. Like they used to. In the very beginning, I had those thoughts all the time. Now, I never ever think that I cannot do something by your side, no matter how tough it is. Yep. But I think that's also made our relationship so much more intimate because we choose each other.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_02 37:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

He's easy now.

SPEAKER_03 37:35

Yes. Yeah. Oh, so I know, I know. I had a reflection moment. Now, why is choosing why is choosing to love feel stronger than dependent love?

SPEAKER_00 38:02

So true answer? Choosing love is unconditional. Yeah. When you choose to be like, for example, let's talk about us, right? Yeah. Because we cannot talk about anybody else. Me choosing you every single day and choosing to love you every single day is unconditional. No matter what happened, no matter what comes our way, no matter our ups or downs or middle or plateaus in our life, my love is unconditional for you. You don't change at all. But at the same time, it grows stronger.

SPEAKER_04 38:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

Okay. You don't change, but it grows stronger.

SPEAKER_02 38:40

When when it's dependent, you have to fulfill each other's needs, right?

SPEAKER_03 38:44

Of course.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

So you become dependent. You don't fulfill my needs enough, I don't love you the same way. Because it is conditional.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:53

And I and it people don't see that like, but it is very conditional. If a person at some point doesn't fulfill your needs, you either give up on the relationship or you seek somewhere else because they couldn't fulfill your needs. And that dependency causes a condition to your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 39:13

Well, and but what you were saying, that that is love.

SPEAKER_02 39:17

Yeah.

unknown 39:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

Unconditional love is unconditional. It's just no matter what happens, you still choose to love that person.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

Yeah. And that's why our our love became deeper. There was now we experience freedom. Now we experience a joy. It's completely different. And it's crazy because even like our kids sometimes don't even know what to do with all the changes in us.

SPEAKER_00 39:40

I think that's the fun part.

SPEAKER_02 39:41

Isn't it? I know. They they have no clue what to do with us.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

And that's a good thing because you don't need anybody to be just, oh, yeah, look at them. And you know, they're typical.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:53

We're just different.

SPEAKER_02 39:54

So we we were able to change our marriage from dependency to partnership.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:00

And I when I think about partnership, I think about a business, right? You open a business with a partner, and it's because you both are coming in, putting things together, and building a business together. If it becomes dependent and it's only one partner doing something and the other one has to depend on him, it's no longer a partnership. A partnership is when two people are doing the things together.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:23

It's two unique individuals wanting to build something together.

SPEAKER_00 40:27

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

Now, what advice can you give couples about holding each other up instead of walking together?

SPEAKER_00 40:37

Learn to appreciate your partner. Yeah. I think that's that's what helped us a lot when we were going through all this. I learned to appreciate you. And I learned how to be grateful for who you are. And I remember why I fell in love with you. And I reflect on that every single time that I can.

SPEAKER_02 40:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:56

Can you uh go ahead?

SPEAKER_02 40:58

No, go ahead. No, no, go ahead, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 41:00

So it made me think about foundation, right?

SPEAKER_02 41:03

I was just gonna say that. Oh, you read my mind. I was gonna say, can you talk a little bit about foundation?

SPEAKER_00 41:07

Yeah. So it reminds me of the foundation, right? When so it's a partnership. So you need to have a strong partnership to be able to make a company grow. You you guys cannot be pulling away from each other.

SPEAKER_04 41:20

No.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

So if we think about marriage like that and it's a partnership, you need to be in, you need to build a strong foundation. Strong foundation goal, you know, it's trust, communication. You need to feel safe. So for example, the house that we live in right now, right? You and me, we're from Florida. We know exactly how storms happen in Florida. You know, hurricanes are horrible. So if something happened to this house and the foundation is still strong, I can rebuild in the same foundation.

SPEAKER_02 41:47

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 41:47

I can rebuild again.

SPEAKER_02 41:49

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 41:50

Because that just the foundation don't the house can change. And because the foundation is strong.

SPEAKER_04 41:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:58

You can build different.

SPEAKER_04 41:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:59

If this house fell off and the foundation is still good, I can I can rebuild again. Yeah in the same place.

SPEAKER_02 42:05

And I've seen that. I went through a hurricane when I was young in Florida, where we went to go see my neighbor's farm. Yeah. And they had a house on the farm. And the only reason we knew that that was our farm was because the whole house had blown off. The only thing left was the foundation.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

And that's how you knew that the house was there.

SPEAKER_02 42:25

And that's how we knew that that was where the house was. Exactly. And so I agree with you. I mean, foundation is huge. There's also the awareness. Being aware of the expectations you have in your marriage, being aware of what you need from your spouse and or partner, because it doesn't have to necessarily, this is not just for marriage. This can be in even in relationships. If couples can start doing this as a when they're dating before they even get married, can you imagine their married marriage would be great?

SPEAKER_00 42:59

Oh, think about us. We have no back and back what we know now.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

Yeah. Yeah. So why? So here's here's my advice to couples. One, journal. Journal your expectations and dig deep to see where they're coming from.

SPEAKER_01 43:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:18

That way you can start to work on you and start to work through that stuff. Okay. Two, write something down every day you're grateful for. Like what I mentioned earlier. I'm grateful that Omar does a bed because he knows how much I care about that.

SPEAKER_01 43:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:34

Just pick one thing a day. And if you have more, you write more. But that you're grateful about your spouse that day.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 43:43

Because now you start to realize who they really are. And third, start having conversations about foundation. Start thinking about the foundations that keep you guys together now. And are they solid or is it on sand? That can easily be blown away.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 44:05

No, no, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 44:06

That's really important. I think communication is one of the big things.

SPEAKER_02 44:09

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

And I agree with you a hundred percent. Man, when you change that expectations for appreciation, like Ro Tony Robinson said, it's just it's just it's a life change, it's a game changing.

SPEAKER_04 44:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

Because now you're looking at that person and it's just man You're looking for another through all the lenses. You appreciate them, you care for them, you're grateful for them, you love them. I mean, that's like that's amazing. Something to reflect on.

SPEAKER_02 44:42

Yeah. Yeah. It's a journey. I like we told our son the other day. Life is a journey.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

It's a journey.

SPEAKER_02 44:48

Live it.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 44:49

Enjoy. Take the ride. And that's how you learn.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

It can be bumpy. Not every time it's gonna be a highway. But you have your turns here and there.

SPEAKER_02 44:59

Yeah. Yeah. So the truth is the healthiest love isn't when two people can't live without each other. It's when two people know they can, but still wake up every day and say, I chose you with you.

SPEAKER_00 45:14

That's the best part of it. When you steal chose this other.

SPEAKER_02 45:19

Have a great one, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 45:20

Until the next time.

SPEAKER_02 45:23

Before we end, take a breath.

SPEAKER_00 45:25

You don't have to fix anything tonight.

SPEAKER_02 45:28

If something in this episode stirred emotions, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

It means something matters.

SPEAKER_02 45:35

You're allowed to take what helped and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

You are allowed to go slow.

SPEAKER_02 45:40

If staying feels heavy right now, you're not alone in that.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

And if listening brought a little bit of clarity or relief, we are honored to see here with you.

SPEAKER_02 45:50

Thank you for trusting us with your story, even the parts you didn't say out loud.

SPEAKER_00 45:55

We are still here.

SPEAKER_02 45:56

And we're glad you were too much.