Still Choosing US

We Didn't Fall Out of Love....We Lost Connection

Omar & Yami

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0:00 | 27:35

 In this episode of Still Choosing Us, we talk about emotional disconnection in marriage — how it happens slowly through stress, parenting, responsibility, and missed moments, not because love disappears. We share part of our own story and simple ways couples can begin reconnecting again through small daily choices that help you turn back toward each other. 

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Before we start, if your marriage feels hard right now, you're not failing.

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And if you were like, I don't know if I can keep doing this, you're not weak.

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You're certainly not alone.

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This pocket is not about perfect marriage. We don't have one.

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We've been married 18 years. There's a 13-year age gap between us. We blended a family young and we raised kids while still growing up ourselves.

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We walked through property, trauma, and fight we didn't know how to fix. There were times we were not sure we can make it.

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But we kept choosing it again.

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Again after disappointment, again after hard seasons.

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This podcast is for couples in the middle, where marriage is messy and real.

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We are not here to give you a perfect answer.

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We're just still here and we're loving her too. But we weren't really seeing each other anymore.

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Have you ever feel that that is in your relationship?

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Today we want to talk about something many couples feel but don't know how to explain: emotional disconnection. Hi, I'm Yami.

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And I'm Omar.

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And today we're going to be talking about disconnection in a marriage. So this is something that happens all the time. People rarely fall out of love, they lose access to each other.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and without come the distance and the stress about it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I mean, emotional distance usually doesn't start with conflict, it starts with distractions. And boy, are there a lot of distractions in life.

SPEAKER_00

Well, it definitely happened to us.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. Well, first of all, let's start with parenting.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That was a huge distraction. And I mean, when you have not that it's a bad distraction, it's just part of life.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, for any disclaimer, none of these things are bad.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

It's just, you know, it's just take away from your marriage a little bit.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I mean, I already had two kids when we got together.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

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And my kids were busy. And then we had a little one, a newborn.

SPEAKER_00

And that's just put on stress.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. And a distraction. I mean, you know, there was there was so much that we needed to do with having three kids.

SPEAKER_00

Of course. You know, school, school activities, sports, whatever may the case may be.

SPEAKER_03

Exactly. There's also stress. Stress of life. Stress, financial stress.

SPEAKER_00

Work stress.

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I mean, stress is unavoidable sometimes.

SPEAKER_00

I know. Responsibilities as well.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. You got your home, you have your jobs, you cook, you have to clean, you have to feed people. I mean, there's a lot of responsibilities.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I mean, this isn't something that happened to everybody. You know? And that and all that it takes you and put you into a survival mode of living kind of deal.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It becomes a survival thing.

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But it's not that there are bad things. Like being a parent is wonderful. Having a career is wonderful. Taking care of your home is wonderful. It's just if you're not careful, it can really affect the connection with your spouse.

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Yeah.

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Or your partner.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. And that's normally what happened to us.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

And it's easy to happen to us. So yeah, I think the best example that we can use is when we made the choice, we made the choice to move to Texas.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

So you want to share a little bit about that? Yeah. So I got her offer a job in Texas, and I packed everything. And I move over here. I move in with your cousin.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

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And I didn't know your cousin at all. So I'm grateful for that into this day, big time.

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And I stayed behind.

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And you stay behind with the kids. And you know, I start a new life over here for us, starting just getting this life started for both of us. And it took us three months.

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Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Before I moved on.

SPEAKER_00

Before you move up here. So imagine, right? In those three months that we are, we had the separation. You kind of start working what worked for you in that moment.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I mean, it's like we were single again.

SPEAKER_00

Of course. I mean, I was trying to make it over here. Um I don't have my house. I'm trying to get the ropes and my new job. You over there with the kids. You learn how to do things without me. I was not there all the time. So you have your own rhythm, my rhythm over here. Once we came together.

SPEAKER_03

That was rough.

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The adjustment for that, it was it was a challenge.

SPEAKER_03

It was a big challenge. Not only did I did we move to a new state, we moved here without our family. In Florida, we had a huge support system. And here we had nobody. So we move out here. I'm in a new career. You're still trying to build in that job you had. And we're trying to figure out life with our kids without help. Because your parents helped us like crazy in Florida.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, when we were there, yes, they helped a little bit.

SPEAKER_03

A lot. They helped us a lot. And so we we had so much to figure out. And I mean, on top of that, we're in a new city that we don't know nothing about.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and we had to learn everything, and you know, we had to learn how to be together again.

SPEAKER_03

So we didn't, I didn't move back here for us to reconnect. I moved back here to get back into responsibilities, running, children.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, it was the the first few months of you living over here. It was a little bit tough.

SPEAKER_03

It was very tough.

SPEAKER_00

Your job was far away from here too.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So I used to have to leave really early in the morning.

SPEAKER_00

I used to leave early, early in the morning, then you used to leave, then I used to come home. It was moments that I used to come home at six until I learned how to get the rhythm of my job and all that. I mean it was tough. It was it was so in that time it was a lot of lack of communication between us. And if we if we used to have and then if we used to have conversation, it was more about the logistic of the house and you know finances. What do we do with the kid? What do we do with the kid?

SPEAKER_03

What do we do with the new finances?

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. And trying to figure it out, the lily in school, you and your job, and have another job, and just trying to figure it out those things. And you lose yourself, we lost ourselves in that. Yeah. And I'm gonna use ourselves as an example, right? Because it happened to us. And you notice how the laughter starts disappearing.

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Yes.

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And it became more serious.

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Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Right? Yeah. One thing that happened to us big time, it was just we stopped checking emotionally with each other.

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Yeah.

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We were just trying to make it and trying to get a family successful over here in this day.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

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And you and that happens. And it's easy for those things to happen.

SPEAKER_03

And I remember feeling lonely.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

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It's crazy because I'm married, but I felt lonely.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, every time, even though we would come in together at night at home, I mean the separation, it created a sense of loneliness. And yeah, that happens a lot a lot.

SPEAKER_03

It was like we were roommates.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And not partners.

SPEAKER_00

I remember that we say that to each other. We feel like we're roommates.

SPEAKER_03

We did. Yeah. It was it was tough times. But you know, there's a psychology behind emotional disconnection. And I, you know, I read this quote that said couples connect through small daily signals called bids for connection. And there's little, I got some examples like look at this. I had a stressful day. Can I tell you something? Even silence sometimes is a bid for connection. And I'm not talking about silence where you're in a dinner table across from your partner and you're each on your phone and not looking at each other, which can happen because we've done that in the past. But it's when you're silent and you still know you're there. Like us being silent in the car, but we're still holding hands. That's our moment.

SPEAKER_00

That's our moment. That happens a lot.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. Yeah. And I think for us, we really had to realize that there was a disconnection. I think when finally, and there were plenty of fights before we voiced the disconnection. Because I remember just feeling lost.

SPEAKER_00

Well, you're trying to justify what the problem is.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Right? You don't know how to communicate, you don't know how to express yourself. So you can take you can take it as uh putting finger at each other kind of deal. Oh, you're not doing this, you don't doing that, you don't I mean you don't do this for me, you don't do that for my for me, and you know, vice versa. I remember the time that I sit down with you and had a conversation with you, and I was like, today I just don't want to put fingers on anything. I just want to acknowledge my faults and my shortcomings in this marriage.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

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And I want to hear you out. And that made a bit different in that time.

SPEAKER_03

I remember thinking, like, is he even there for me anymore?

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I know.

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Should I even be here? You know? And connection isn't lost in big moments, it's lost in the small missed moments repeated over time. It's in those little moments that your spouse or your partner needs you and you miss it.

SPEAKER_00

It's kind of you you ever hear the saying the the small winds pile up to the big wins? You ever hear that? Yeah. I hope I say that right. It's just the same thing in this case. Those little miss uh moments that you don't catch to them, it can lead to something big.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and you can feel like the person is pulling away, you can feel like they don't see you anymore. You know, I I think one of the biggest questions that we had to ask each other was how do you truly feel in this season?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Where are we really?

SPEAKER_00

And I think those are those are tough questions, you know. And I think that had to do with the misunderstanding that happened during the disconnection.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because you don't ask those questions until you almost are at the end of whatever is happening.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. And the thing is that it can be missed, right? You can feel like the person doesn't love you anymore. And it has nothing to do with that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Or they don't care anymore.

SPEAKER_03

We we were completely in love with each other still. There was just that emotional piece was missed.

SPEAKER_00

And it can feel like, you know, the other person don't care anymore about what's going on. Because you're so wrapped up in, well, I mean, I don't want to say anybody, like you and me, right? We were so wrapped up in this new life that we're trying to build right here.

SPEAKER_01

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00

And trying to make it in this new city that we didn't notice that we were actually pulling away from each other. Yeah. And with that, it comes a sense of like, well, it was pointed, like, oh, if you don't care about this, I don't care either.

SPEAKER_03

So, you know, that create Yeah, the tangent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And so, you know, but we we realized it, thankfully. And then we started really talking things through. And I think a big one was like something that you love. It's us going for walks together.

SPEAKER_00

Every day.

SPEAKER_03

We go every day now. We didn't always go every day. It wasn't very consistent. Now we're pretty consistent with it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, we do that every day now.

SPEAKER_03

But we did find the time to go on walks. We would put the little one on the bike.

SPEAKER_00

They just go for a bike ride.

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Or yeah. And we would talk and we would check in with each other.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, that's what helped with the reconnection in our in our marriage.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

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And it was not just that, right? It's it's it's all the things that we can that we did as well. The drives. The drive that we did. We start listening in different ways.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

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Because now go ahead.

SPEAKER_03

No, no, go ahead, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00

Because sometimes we're thinking because we are just there quiet and listening, our brain is working. And I remember that I had to get into a point in my life that as you were talking, I had to say, tell my brain, hey, shut up. Just listen and be intentional in that moment. So learning, learn how to listen is a big deal.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. We didn't, we were very good about checking in emotionally. Yes. Like asking each other, where are we? Where are you right now?

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Yeah.

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And what can I do? Where do you feel that it's missed in this marriage? And then you would talk and I would listen, and then vice versa. And that was great.

SPEAKER_00

Checking in every day is a big deal as well.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I think that helps a lot. Now, when I'm talking about checking in during the day, it's not about, hey, we got to do this, we got to do that. And you know, those things are always gonna be there, and you're gonna have to take care of that. Like real checking in, like, hey, you know, quick text. I love you, I miss you, I cannot wait to see you today. Things like that that help a lot.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So you're saying the the work is still there, the responsibilities is still there. It's just important to, in the meantime, in the in-between, check in on each other.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, of course. Okay. I mean, think about it, right? I do it with you.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, you do. You still work.

SPEAKER_00

You work and you are focused on your job and you're doing what you're doing. I just when I find five minutes pausing my job or something that I don't have to, that I have a little bit of time. I just, hey, what's up? How you doing? I love you, miss you. Yeah, I can't wait to get home and see you. Another thing that I do that help a lot is as soon as I leave work because I had to drive back home, I'm intentional on calling you.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Not because I need to check in and be like, hey, I'm leaving work. That's not what I'm doing. It's just the fact that I'm just like, hey, I left work already. That stayed behind. That's it. I'm done with that. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Yeah. And we don't talk very long because a lot of times I'm doing something, or I just don't feel like talking at that moment.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I'm gonna be honest. But we do connect and we do talk and we check on each other and we ask how each other day is. And I think another good thing is that when you're stressed or I'm stressed about something, we call each other at the moment and we we talk it through. You know, we I think something else that happened was we weren't trying to solve everything on our own. We started to come together to solve problems together.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Because I know that I'm very independent and oh, I can handle it. And and I had to stop and say, wait a second, this is my you know, my partner. I I can't do this on my own.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I was the same, I'm the same way. I mean, if I can take care of something by myself, sometimes I'm sitting in the sofa and I don't ask for a glass of water from anybody. I just get up and get it myself.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, you know, I don't, I do ask for a glass of water.

SPEAKER_00

We know, yeah, trust me. But it's really important to know that you have a partner next to you, that you don't have to do things alone anymore. That you are there and and you guys there for each other. Like you and me, we're there for each other. Yeah, you know, and that's something that it's really those are the small little details that believe it or not, it helps us to reconnect again.

SPEAKER_03

Well, and you feel like you're being seen. Like when you text me in the middle of the day, I miss you. I've been thinking about you. It makes me feel seen. Like, oh, he was just thinking of me.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know, and and we became curious about each other again.

SPEAKER_00

Which is a good thing.

SPEAKER_03

Which is a great thing. Because even though we've been together for 18 years, I we still go on drives and have these deep conversations and we're learning something about each other all the time.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, we did it yesterday. We drove into like almost one o'clock in the morning.

SPEAKER_03

I know.

SPEAKER_00

With a gas price, we're crazy.

SPEAKER_03

But I mean, you know, it's it's just really intentionality. Exactly. Just it's just really being intentional. And reconnection doesn't happen overnight, it happens in small moments when you start turning toward each other again. When you just have those, like you said, you have five minutes and you go, huh, let me text her really quick. Or I'm in the car and I'm gonna go do something, and I'm like, oh, let me just call them really quick. Let me just, and it's just something something simple as, so how's your day? How does it look? When do you think you'll be done?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, something as simple as that, but we're constantly connecting when we can.

SPEAKER_00

Of course. I mean, you don't have to wait for those big moments, those big aha moments, like, oh my God. Sometimes those little moments to me count more than the big ones. It's not every day that you have those big shots in your life and be like, oh my God, this is so amazing. We feel so connected. When you those little things help.

SPEAKER_03

And look, stress is there, of course, parenting is there all the time.

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All that can be hard, even when they grow up and they go out of the house, are you still gonna be a parent? But it's so much easier to deal with all that when you're connected to your spouse, of course, or your partner, you have a support group, which is your best friend that is right next to you all the time.

SPEAKER_03

But when you're trying to do all that and deal with all the stress and parenting and everything that comes along with life and responsibilities, and you feel that you're doing it alone, and you feel that's hard. That's hard, and you create, believe it or not, that's how you create the disattachment from each other, the separation, yeah, and it can be a lonely role, yeah, and it's not it's not hard to take a moment to remember your spouse.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, for me, if I go to the restaurant with you, I don't know how to stay quiet when I'm going out with you and I'm sitting in a in a table with you. I love the engagement that we have. That's our moment. That's just the moment that you and me we have to talk. No worries, no work, no nothing. We just talking. Yeah, just being intentional with each other.

SPEAKER_03

I agree. I mean, there is, you know, there's something everybody can do, right? If you're listening and you feel like there's that emotional disconnection and you have the awareness. You can simply take 10-minute connection reset. Just take 10 minutes with each other, no phones, no logistics, no fixing problems.

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And just ask the question.

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Just ask each other what's been on your mind today and then listen.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_03

Just listen. You don't have to defend what you're saying, you're not trying to fix, you're just listening. And then this helps for your partner to hear what you're saying. And then vice versa. Your partner asks you the question.

SPEAKER_00

And you just listen.

SPEAKER_03

And you you just do it with each other. Ten minutes. That's all it takes a day to just reconnect.

SPEAKER_00

To me, that was the biggest problem because I'm a fixer. I need to fix things.

SPEAKER_03

I know.

SPEAKER_00

And every time that you just come to me and say something, I just needed to fix it. And just taking time to just listen to that person and not just have an opinion about something. Believe it or not, that helped a lot. Because I don't need to I didn't need to have an opinion about everything, and I don't have to fix everything in the moment. All you asking for me was just to be there and listen and be intentional in the moment. Yeah. Just enjoying the moment. I love this from Tony Robin that he said some human beings normally live in the Past or in the future, or we always thinking about what happened in the past or what the future is gonna bring. It's really rare that you are living in the moment, yeah. And this is important right here. When your spouse, it can be your husband or your wife, they're talking to you because you ask the question, what is in your mind? You need to be intentional to be there, present in the moment. Don't think about anything else, don't think about work, kids, homework, forget about all that stuff. That moment, the only person that matters is your spouse.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I think that helped a lot, that helped me a lot when we were going through the situation.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because I was present in the moment.

SPEAKER_03

And then there's another reflection exercise that you can do once a month, once a week. You and your spouse or your partner can choose this. And this is when you sit with each other and you say, When do you feel closest to me lately? And then you ask, When do you feel farthest from me lately? And again, this is not for you to defend, not for you to make your statement. This is a moment to listen.

SPEAKER_00

That's a moment to reflect.

SPEAKER_03

A moment to reflect. There's something you can always learn from each other.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So these two exercises, a 10-minute reset or the reflection once a month or once a week helps to keep that connection going and to understand where it is not there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So when you ask these questions to your spouse, you need to have grace on them.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

No matter what the answer is, you need to be aware that whatever is going to come out of mouth, you need to be aware that those are the emotions that they're going through in that moment.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So you have to be intentional in listening and you need to have grace in them.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

This is not a debate that you need to wait, that you need to win in in this moment. That moment of your job is my job at least for me. It's just, it was to listen. And we asked those questions. We asked that question. I asked that question to you not too long ago.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

A couple of days ago. Hey, what can I do for you to make this law a lot easier for you? What was a time in our life that you feel like, oh my God, he's there for me and he's helping me and he's walking with me. And I have to just shut up and just hear you out because I asked the question. Yeah. So whatever was coming my way, I had to be willing to receive that as well.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And and it can be tough. Of course it's gonna be tough. Because you can feel like you're lacking in something or you're not doing enough for that person. But really, that person just sometimes needs to be heard. Of course. And that's it.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, when we were going for a drive that I asked the question, do you don't think I go through my emotions? Yeah. And be like, damn, I feel like a piece of shit. But you cannot look when that happened, when I ask that question, I didn't fix whatever I need to fix at a girl. I fix those problems because I know that by fixing those things and correcting those things, it's not about fixing it, just correcting those things and realigning myself again. Man, that brings us closer.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And to me that's important.

SPEAKER_03

And well, that's a form of choosing us. Of course. Right? You're choosing to listen and you're choosing to make the adjustment for us.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, that's another whole point, you know, everything.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Choosing your poor I choose you more than I choose myself.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Yeah. It makes me think of I know people that they're become empty nesters and their kids are no longer home and they have no clue what to do together as a couple. And it's because that disconnection was for so long, they don't, they don't know what to do now. Their their whole lives were wrapped around everything else but themselves. So emotional distance doesn't mean love disappeared. It usually means life got loud.

SPEAKER_00

And sometimes, you know, choosing each other against start with something simple. Turning to each other, other instead of a way. Instead of moving away from each other, you turn toward each other.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. You just continue to choose each other.

SPEAKER_00

And that's just the way it is.

SPEAKER_03

Thank you, everybody. Thank you everybody for listening. And we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_00

See you next time. Bye.

SPEAKER_03

Before we end, take a breath.

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You don't have to fix anything tonight.

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If something in this episode stirred emotions, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your marriage.

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It means something matters.

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You're allowed to take what helped and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_00

You are allowed to go slow.

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If staying feels heavy right now, you're not alone in that.

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And if listening brought a little bit of clarity or relief, we are honored to see here with you.

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Thank you for trusting us with your story, even the parts you didn't say out loud.

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We are still here.

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And we're glad you are too much.