It Was Never About the Money (Part 2)

In Part 2 of our Money Conflict conversation, Omar shares his side of the story—how growing up in poverty shaped his relationship with money, spending, security, and identity. We unpack how financial fights in marriage are rarely about the dollars themselves, but the fears underneath them: not feeling safe, not feeling trusted, or not feeling enough. This episode is a raw, honest conversation about breaking unhealthy money patterns, understanding your spouse’s perspective, and creating honest conversations that build connection instead of conflict. Plus, we share practical reflection questions and a simple “10-minute money meeting” you can start using today.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Before we start, if your marriage feels hard right now, you're not failing.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

And if you were like, I don't know if I can keep doing this, you're not weak.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

You're certainly not alone.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

This pocket is not about perfect marriage. We don't have one.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

We've been married 18 years. There's a 13-year age gap between us. We blended a family young and we raised kids while still growing up ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

We walked through property from a fight we didn't know how to fix. There were times we were not sure we can make it.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

But we kept choosing it again.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Again after disappointment, again after hard seasons.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

This podcast is for couples in the middle.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

We are not here to give you a perfect answer.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

We're just still here and we're coming here too. Hi, this is Yami.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

And this is Homer.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

And we are so glad that you're back. We're here to do part two of Money Conflict in a Marriage. So last episode, I shared my story. I shared how I grew up, how I saw finances, and where my fears came in. Because most couples think that the problem is about money and the numbers, but the truth of the truth of it is that it is all about your fears and how you see money.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

I agree, agree.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

So I shared how I'm a saver, the budget person. I look at our finances every day. And the fears that were tied to doing that caused a lot of pressure in our marriage. So this week it's Omar's story, and he's gonna share his own fears, but his story is very different from mine because he sees money very differently than I do.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

I agree on that.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

So it's all yours, babe.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah, so when it comes to money and the way we see money, I don't say right now in this stage of our marriage, but in the early marriage, in the early time of our marriage, it definitely we used to see things different. And we didn't need to see and we we weren't used to see either eye when it comes to money.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

No, not at all.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

And that comes from my early background with money. So I grew up I I was born in Cuba, which everybody knows that's a communist country. Over there in Cuba, you don't search for money, you search for food. Your daily day is pretty much putting a plate on the table for your kids or your spouse. My daddy was pretty much the the hustler in the house in that time. He used to do business here and there to be able to provide food for the house. I don't remember in early in my early age, the my daddy used to do things for money. Every story that I hear from him, it was all about food, how to put food in the table.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

I mean, there really isn't barely money in Cuba. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Yeah, exactly. And everything is so expensive over there. But anyways, so my dad left Cuba when I was six years old, and my mom stayed behind with us, and it was the same thing, you know. He just had to put she was hustling just to put food in the table. She would, I never remember my mom hustling for money or to have a better life financially. She always hustled just to have a plate in the table for their kids and herself. That's what she did. So when we came to this country, I came to this country at the age of 14. And it was pretty much, you know, some people leave their country and they come to do a better life in this country. And sometimes they get stuck and they'll lie that they still live kind of like they used to live in their country. And I'm pretty sure you see that all the time. And I see it in my own family.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah, we see it with your family all the time.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

Exactly. So when I came over here, it was nothing different. The only different thing that we had over here was we had a better house. We have freedom of speech, we have freedom to go anywhere, but we didn't used to go anywhere because buy groceries. And buy groceries, you can go to the grocery store, buy groceries, you have gas, you have a car. So I lived really poor. I was in the poor bracket, pretty much. My daddy was the breadbed making in the house. My mom came, she didn't speak the language. And for my dad, it because we only have one car, and the car that we had, it was just a beat-up car. It was easy for him for mom to stay home. So he used to work in a factory in in Miami, not paying too much. I mean, he was, I think, I think my father was minimum wage in that time. I mean, we used to live in the ghetto in Copalaka.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

I remember I give you a tour of that.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

That was not a good neighborhood. But the rented was cheap. So that's everything we can afford in that time. So I grew up with that mentality. I remember the church that we used to go to Miami. They used to have that donation, a room that people used to donate, like whatever, you know, clothes, furniture, whatever they wanted to donate. And I remember me going through that donation and getting clothes from there. I still remember to this day. And I tell you the stories before. I also remember my my father never took me to the mall. Okay. I didn't know what it was to go to a mall into a Miami. I never bought a pair of shoes. I think it was only one pair that he bought me. Yeah. That he took me to the store payless. You remember pays in Miami back in the day?

SPEAKER_01 5:41

Yes, I do know that one.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Okay, so that's where we went to buy my first pair of shoes. We never went to the mall to buy clothes. And now like we do now. I didn't know that life. Everything was about work and saving money because we need to, we would live in, we were living day by day.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

He was also providing for your sister and stayed behind.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Exactly. So we have family in Cuba still. We had my sister, my nephews, and my brother-in-law, and he was providing for them at the same time because if he don't provide for them, nobody can provide for them over there. So I grew up like that. So that what that did in my life is scarred me in a way that I remember promising myself that I would never live like that. And I would never have kids to live the same life that I used to live. So for me, I didn't see money as a safety. I didn't see money as a control. I never respect the money. I never trust the money. It was something that I just wanted to spend. The only thing in that time in my life that actually did for me, it was this create, it created an identity in my life. Okay. And my identity, it was I don't want to be poor anymore. And I want to show everybody that didn't believe in me when I came to this country. That's another story, and Jamie knows exactly what I'm talking about. I want to prove them wrong. I want to prove that I can be somebody. So my father never took the time to teach me about money and finances. He never taught me how to check the bank account. He never my father never had a spreadsheet. Nothing like that. So for him, that was all he did, it was old school. He count money, he had money in saving, you know, money in a box in the house. The little that he can get and everything it was about saving. But my father never sit down with me and said, okay, let me show you how to balance your check account. Let's let's look at money in a different way.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

And he probably didn't know.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

He didn't know either. Exactly. So I also had a I also have a fear of instability because my life was so unstable, even though I had grandparents and things like that. But when it comes to finances, my life was so unstable. I never took a vacation. It was a friend of my father, Reynaldo Manteca, which I was so grateful for them in that time. They used to take me fishing all the time. They used to take me to the Key West. They used to just, I remember that she was the first one that went to the mall with me and bought me a pair of clothes. And I'm so grateful for that. She they treated me like a like a like their kid. But that in that in this mind now, in the state of mind that I right now look at it like that. In that state of mind, when I was young, I felt like, oh my God, you know, they're doing it because they feel sorry for me, or something like that. So that's what money created for me. So passing years after when I'm Miami, and everybody knows the story. This is a woman that it was already established in her life. She had a house, she had a career in her life, she had the head and the shoulder. She desired to take a gamble. And this 21-year-old in that time, that he was working in Target. I think I was making $9 an hour. And I was not working full-time. I was just working the hours they can give me. In my department, I used to work in the grocery department. And I was the one that's getting the most hours. That was between 30 to 32 to 35 hours an hour. It was really rare that I get 40 hours. So she took a gamble and she was dating me.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

The best gamble I took.

SPEAKER_00 9:29

Now but I didn't have respect for money. To me, money was just a tool just to spend. I never thought about rainy days. I never thought about investing, saving, nothing like that. Okay. I was really, really, really immature when it came to money. And the reason being is because it scarred me in a way that I just want to prove everybody that I had it. And because I had it, I got to spend it. And because I had to spend it, I can show the world that I was just doing something good and I was making it. In reality, I was hurting myself and I was hindering myself. When I'm at Yami, she came with all these ideas and about money. I mean, she her degree is in finance. This woman knows math. I hate her for that. And she knows how to manage money in a way that it blows my mind. So she needed, you know, she needed the savings because she needed the security thing. We used to spend money, but it was not like, oh, let's spend. She was really careful the way she was planning ahead of time when I was like, okay, let's do it right here, right now. And she was like, well, we cannot do it right here and right now because we had this bill to pay here, we had the rent to pay. And I'm like, but the money's in the bank. She was like, Yeah, the money's in the bank, but it's not in the bank. That money's gone already. So I cannot comprehend that. You remember those fights that we used to have? And I used to tell you those things, but the money's there. And you're like, no, yes, it's in the bank account, but it's not there. That money is already spent. That money already has a name to it. That money is assigned to something. And I cannot comprehend that. So I feel I feel a sense of control that you were controlling me in that time.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

They was like, okay, you can spend your money. I'm like, but I'm working for my money. This money is mine. I need to spend this money. If I want to spend it, I can spend it already. Poor woman and bless her heart. She had to take upon her shoulder to do this by herself. And she started and she started teaching me about money. Now that I get money now these days, better than back in the day. But I remember one of the things that I felt strongly the most, it was judgment. I felt judged by my wife when we used to talk about money. Because it was not a time in our marriage that we used to talk about money that it ended up in a fight.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

But I think mostly, you know, when we think about the behaviors, right? So spending to you meant freedom. Yes. Freedom you had never experienced.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Because as you guys recall, he said the first time he ever went home on and shopped was with me. So he had never so once he got that taste, it was like, oh, heck no. Cause all he had ever worn were Hemi Downs. And that gave him a sense of freedom. It gave him a sense of joy. And then he was like, oh, this is the lifestyle I want.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah. Spending money for me, it was good. It was a pleasure. Okay. Now, I didn't know that I was spending money the wrong way. And I was using money the wrong way. Money is a tool. Okay. Money, you can have $10,000 sitting in a table, and it's still going to be $10,000 sitting in a table. It's not how no value aside the value that you'd give it to. And that money is not going to grow if you don't do something with it. So my ideology about money was backwards. If it's there, I need to spend it. Right? I need to buy whatever I need to buy. And then on top of that, because I said this before, because I want to prove so much that I have made it in this country and I had it, I just want to spend it. And I just want to buy stupid stuff just to show that I have money. And I need to prove that to myself. Remember that? I was so I was like a little kid.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

It was an identity. Yeah, TV is identity.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

When we had a TV, when flat TVs started coming out, and L L D TVs and all that start coming out. And we went and we bought the first TV. To me, that was just like, oh yes, look what I have accomplished. It's a stupid TV. Now there's better TVs in this world. Anyway, so to me, that became an identity. That became who I was. Spending money. It was just to show the world, yes. And the worst part that we used to do, remember when we used to go to Miami and we used to hang out with family and things like that. And I just want to spend money, even though we don't have it in that time, just because I want to show my family that it look, I made it. Or your daughter never made a mistake, marrying me because I can provide for her and I want to pay everybody bill because I want to prove the world.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

Yeah, and that happened a lot around my family.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Because you you wanted to prove, like you said, that I didn't make a mistake marrying you. Yep. And that you were gonna provide for me. Yeah. That became a big thing for you. And I think when we talk about fears, that was that yours was I'm not trusted.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

It's it was when I questioned what you spent, when I monitored what you spent, it just created this defensiveness in you. And it started to really push you back because then you were like, I want to do it, but crap, now I gotta ask her.

SPEAKER_00 14:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

And that caused fights between us.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

So you guys remember last time, the last episode that she was talking about the shoes and everything. Now you guys can understand a little bit where that concept came from. Because I don't want to fight with my wife of the time, every time that we need to fight, that we need to have spend money, right? So I created this habit in my life that anything that I was gonna buy, I was finding myself explaining to her why I needed to get it.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

That's what the story of the shoes came along. And it was not just the shoes, it was everything, everything in my life. If I needed a tool, or if I need to fix the car because I didn't have the money to pay a mechanic and I was doing it myself, I'm really good with my hands and I understand things. So it's good for me to do things like that. But I used to find myself explaining why I needed that tool. Yeah, selling it to me. Yeah, so I became a really, really good salesperson. Maybe, maybe I should go into that business. No, I'm kidding. I found myself being a salesman when I used to come to my wife and our marriage and when we spent money. I used to sell things to her. Okay, I need this tool, and there's the reason why I need this too. And I used to spend days researching the two. Remember?

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Or days researching the shoes. And the reason why is because I didn't want to make a mistake in my purchase. Now that I cannot do my purchase and now that I can just go and buy it, I mean, I have all the right to go and do it. And I just want to explain that because we didn't explain that last time really well. That was not the case, but I created this habit in my own immaturity that I became a salesperson to you. And I need to make sure that what I spent, it was well spent. And let me clarify that the problem it was not that I cannot spend it. The problem is when you don't understand something and you are with somebody, they understand it better than you, you find yourself in a in a place that you feel smaller.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Yeah, well, that's like the the fear that I have here. It says I don't matter in decisions.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Yeah, and that causes that that fear that, oh wow, I I have to sell it to her because if I make the wrong decision, then oh crap, I didn't, you know, I have to prove right. I have to show her that I was right. So there was a fear to make a mistake there.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Of course. I mean, think about it, right? And this is not about being, oh, I am the man. And I'm this is to me, all that is bullshit. I don't believe in any other stuff. I believe that you and me, we are one. And your decision mattered as slightly as my decisions matter. So I don't believe in that, oh, I'm the man and all that kind of stuff. No, we are this is a partnership, okay? So it used to be I remember how frustrated it was for her in that time in our life because it was like, stop selling things to me. Just become my partner and learn this thing with me. Remember, you used to say that to me all the time. And I never understood that because to me, I didn't have the time to do it, or I was not good with it, or whatever may the case may be in that time. I never want to be just involved in that because I didn't want to feel restricted to a computer that threw me as pressure to say, hey, this is how much you have to spend this week. To me, that was just like F this. You know what I'm you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Yeah, you were the avoider.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Exactly. I was the avoider and she was the planner. So I used to avoid it. So imagine having an avoider and a planner coming together to talk about the finances of the house. Is the conversation is not gonna go really well because they both we both not in equal ground.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

No, because for you that was like overwhelming to work with me, it was easy felt lonely.

SPEAKER_00 18:49

Yeah, you feel lonely, and it was easy to do.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

And I felt like I was doing this on my own, and he's always gonna avoid this.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Yeah, and it was easy for you to do these things, yeah. Right? It came easy to you for me. It's not so as a couple, we used to come into in different grounds, different levels, trying to communicate and trying to see each other's point of view, and it was just it was a high mess. So when you were talking about fear last time, you talked about two fears, you know, the fear of carrying the responsibility alone, and we will now be okay. You talk about those fears, right? To me, I had two fears. The fear is like I'm not trusted, yeah, and I don't matter in this decision. And let me explain that a little bit more, okay? Because it's really good to explain this. So the the fact that it was the fact that I have fear in this marriage that was ludicrous because you and me, we were together, we were working together, right? So my my the fear that we had that I had in that time, I'm not trusted. It was I feel like my spending it was getting monitored all the time. Every time that I got to spend something, it had to be monitored, right? It had to be checked. It had to be like, okay, I need to go to the computer, I need to sit down, I need to see how much money we have, and all those things, right? This is the icing of the cake. Purchases get question. To me, every time that I needed to purchase something, I feel like I had to go through this questionnaire and answer 20 million questions of why I need to spend that.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

And that's why you would do your research before I handle it.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

My research and I presented my plan to you and be like, this is the reason why we need this. And in reality, I remember into this day, she used to look at me like, I don't give a crap about this presentation. I just tell me when you need it.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Is it really necessary in that moment?

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Exactly. And where are we gonna take this money from to buy that? So, and how we're gonna replace that money. Yeah, it was not a plan with me. When I used to represent, when I used to sell you everything that I needed, it's not because I I needed I already had a plan. I said, Okay, babe, listen, we're gonna take the money from here, we're gonna buy this, and we're gonna replace this money in this day. It was not done. It was the fact that I was selling you what I need to buy.

SPEAKER_02 21:07

And then I didn't need to have to figure out the plan.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

You don't need to know what we needed to buy. All you needed to know is like, hey, I went to the I went to the bank account, I look at our statements, I look at the spreadsheet, I see we have this amount of money. I know we gotta pay this over here, but we can take this money from here, buy that, and then we can replace this that money this day right here, and we're gonna be okay. That's what you needed in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

Yeah, that's what you wanted because that was for my stability.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Exactly. It was for your stability. It was not the case that I needed to buy it, and it's not the problem that we're gonna spend the money. It's like please tell me where we're gonna take it from and when we're gonna replace that money back. That's all I needed to know. After that, just go buy whatever the heck you want.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

And here's a disclaimer it's not that he never got the stuff. I don't we got my stuff because we have a storage full of tools.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

That's another story. We're not talking about that right now. So, the other fear that I used to have it was. That I don't matter in decisions. So every time that I used to make a decision, you know, especially the the far the fact that I was like, well, Jamie, in that time of in that time, a specific time in that in our life, in our marriage, she was the bread winner of the house. She had a career, it was successful, she was working for her dad. So she was making more money. Especially in that time, that period time 2009, 2008, when the when the market crashed, big time that I lost my job for five months. That was fun. She was the bread maker of the house. And I used to feel so small. And in your eyes, it was not like that. But it's crazy the way you see yourself when it comes about money. It created an identity in your life.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

And it was thing, it was times that we used to go shopping that I remember that I feel so small. We need to buy something for the kids. Or do you remember the times that we were like, well, you know, my money's there, and you're like, Yeah, my money's there. And and I remember thinking about that, and I was like, Yeah, it's more money of yours in my account than mine. And that just creates such a loneliness in my part because I wanted to provide for you. Man, I remember my first prayer in this marriage. And I said, God, I want to provide for my wife in a way that if she doesn't want to work anymore, she doesn't have to work anymore. It's not about God, the bread making of the house. I can't give a shit about that. It's just the fact that I just want to let this woman know that she made the right choice with me.

SPEAKER_01 23:45

But again, it wasn't money.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

It was not money. It was protecting me always. Yeah, it was protecting you only.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

But we tie it to money.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

Yeah. And it was a fear. It was a fear that one I remember having fear that one that you're gonna wake up and be like, what the fuck I'm doing with this kid? Or did this guy? I'm the maker of the house. I I I have my feet on the ground, I have my head on my shoulder. I don't need this. Which in reality, let's be honest with each other, right? You didn't needed me. You were well put together, and you just carry me along in that time.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

But I needed you for so many other ways. That's just the way you saw it.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Because again, the fear was tied to money.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

I know. And that can create an emotional distance in your marriage. It created on me. I feel this emotional disattach when it came to that part. On the finances part. I was good at all the things. I was great at all the things. I became a great father, I became a great husband. God, but I suck as a great provider. Because my ideology about money was just so backwards in that time. And you don't believe Jamie said the statistic, I think, last time in the last episode. Oh, how many how many marriage couples get divorced?

SPEAKER_01 25:11

Because of money.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Because of money.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

Yeah, it's kind of crazy because really it's never money. No, it's not money. And I think that's why it's so important for us to do this. Because I it's more an awareness that it's not money.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

And go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

No, no, no. I'm just breathing in.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Oh. And so, you know, this is why we did these episodes and we broke into two parts because we wanted you guys to hear both sides.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

Yeah, it's too different perspective when it comes to that. And I'm gonna be and let me be clear on this. I'm still learning how to handle money.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Me too.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

I have not getting the grasp of money. One thing that I learned about money is I cannot have fear of money. Money is a two. They come and go, it's like a river. Money never stops moving.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

No, it doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

And thank God for all my mentors in my life. And I have a mentor right now that he's awesome, man. I love and I hope I can say his name in the podcast. Dan, then Wheeler. He's my mentor. And I love that guy. I love the way he explained money to me.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

Yeah, he definitely gives different perspectives.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Yeah, and the freedom that he had given me into that. And I love my pastor right now. I love Kirby. Kirby is amazing. He's he those guys, those two guys.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

If anybody had the opportunity to listen to them, to especially Kirby, yeah, because I feel like some of my fear came from religion. And he has broken all that for me. Like it's crazy how he calls us bougie. Remember, he says, You two, just like the good life. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:56

Um but because we grew up in such a different world, and we came together and we started moving forward in our life and not seeing money in the same way. I think that created a big, big gap in our marriage. And it was creating a separation in our marriage. And I am so grateful. Listen, I'm grateful to God right now for the people that have come into my life and those two mentors in my life, they've been awesome. And they have taught me so much about finances and how to look money. And I just learned this. And I just had learned this that money is a tool, it's just meant to be used. You got to let it flow. Yeah. The same way that it comes, the same way you have to let it go.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

Well, if we all sit down, right? And you and me, we've had these conversations before. And we sit down and we think about like those moments that were tough. Like we had nothing in the bank.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

And yet we survived that. Yes. Like it's always just come. So it's that dollar, that piece of paper, that number we see in the bank doesn't determine anything for us. We have learned that throughout the years. I mean, there's so look, this money episode, we'll do it now. This will come up multiple times.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

Multiple times, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Because we've seen how it has changed in our lives.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

And the power they have in you.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

It's just crazy because I remember a time in our life that we just have one dollar in our bank account. And it was only Wednesday. And we just needed to get you, you were teacher in that time. You used to get paid, I think, twice a week, twice a month, or something like that. Yeah. And I was getting paid weekly, but it was just like bare minimum because nobody was hiring. And I took a job.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

That was like an hour from home.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

An hour from home.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

I know.

SPEAKER_00 28:48

And I'm not ashamed of all those things that happened in my life. Listen, I'm not ashamed to say that I clean toilets. That's just the way it is. Because I needed to provide for my family. I need to, in that time, it was not about how much money I was making, it was about putting food in the table.

SPEAKER_02 29:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

I went through the same thing that I told my life, my my younger self, I would never go through. I was living paycheck by paycheck. I was living day by day. Okay. So I know what is to be poor. I was poor. Not anymore. I'm grateful just because the way that we start viewing money in our marriage, I'm not saying that this formula worked for everybody. Let me let me create that disclaimer right now. This is not work for anybody, but it's what worked for you and me in the time.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Well, because we came to realize our fears. So we didn't work on the money. No. What we started working on was those fears we had.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

Yeah. It's a funny thing, you know, because in that time when we changed our mindset about money, our bank account didn't change, our job didn't change at that time. We didn't got a raise in that time. Nothing. It just did you.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

I got another job paying me a lot less than what I was making. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Because we've had some crazy stories. Yeah, and it's your dream job right now. It is job. And you have escalating, you have made that loss already, which is amazing. You have your own business, you have the flexibility to do things. The god dang it, my prayer to you came true. Yes. I can provide now for my wife the life that I say that I want to provide for her. Jamie can quit anytime she wants.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

I just like to work. She loves to work.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

She loves that's encrypted in her. And that's her. That's and I love that about her. But now looking, now looking 18 years, I can say that prayer that I did in my room. It has come to be true for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

And I can say with my eyes closed, my wife can quit her job. My wife can stop working right now and say, Omar, I'm done. I want to retire. And she can retire because I can provide for her. I can pay the house, I can pay the cars that we have outside. It's crazy how our life had changed because the way we started looking at money.

SPEAKER_01 31:12

And we had to work through the fears.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:15

We had to be aware of our fears. And look, guys, I'm not saying it doesn't happen. No. There's still times that he buys something and I question. Just today, he said, Oh, I bought whatever, whatever. And I was drinking in my head, oh crap, what did he buy and how much was it?

SPEAKER_02 31:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

So, I mean, I didn't tell him that. He's hearing that for the first time. But this is still how I process in my head because there we're still growing every single day. I'm not gonna say fears are completely gone. No, no, no, no, no. But uh, we are aware.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

We'll be a we'll be we'll be liars if we say the fear is completely gone because I still have fear. Actually, a month ago, we just had to this dissect this whole situation of money. Yeah, that was last month because we both were in this fear of money, and that's a legit feeling, it's okay feeling that just don't stay there. Yeah, I cannot allow myself to stay there because if I stay there, I'm staying in there in a future that will probably never come or a past that is already gone. Yes, I need to live my present right now, I need to live what I have right now with my wife and understand that the life that we've chosen to do right now is a good life, yeah, and it is okay. And and for anybody that listened to this, I don't know where you're standing, your faith, but faith is important to me. And I I believe that what he allowed me to have right now is just not the end. It's gonna get better, it's gonna be better for you and me. And if and even the bank account don't increase, that's not what I'm looking at. What I'm looking at is you and me can have a conversation. You and me can sit down in front of the computer and be like, okay, look at the spreadsheet the way we are. This is how much money we have to save, this is how much money we have to invest, this is how much money we have to spend. And now I can understand, okay, I can take money from here and move it over here, and then this move it and this money I can move it over here. And we can sit down and do that. I'm not dumb. I can open a spreadsheet right now and look at it and understand what the spreadsheet look like.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

Yeah. And you know, the biggest thing is conversation between each other. Yeah. The openness to share the things that we share with each other. And that is, I think, the biggest, the biggest accomplishment we've had in our marriage. And look, guys, again, we're not perfect. We could step into one of these conversations and then end up in an argument and then realize and come back, oh, so sorry. Yeah, messed up. Okay, here's the truth of what's happening. So we we go through the experience every single day when we sit on these mics and talk to you guys. It's not because we're perfect. No, we still have arguments, we still have to learn, we still have fears, we're just more aware.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

Exactly. Awareness is key. Yeah. And this is how much we had grow me and her since we got together and we gone and we went through all this crap of finances and things like that. This is how good it is when you tip you take awareness and you take responsibilities because it's also about responsibility as well. And you desire to learn and now certain things in your life dictate. You can be a victim of your life or you can be a winner in your life. It's depending. And I just gonna say this this year, Jamie surprised me for my 40-year-old birthday with a vestification that I thought I never, never, never, never in my life I was gonna accomplish. And if we say what it is, for people be like, oh, really, that's it. Listen, guys, it's a big deal for me. That gift that she gave me proved to me that we are going in the right track.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Yeah. And you know, um, I have some questions for people to share with their partners or even just reflect for yourself. But I'm gonna add an extra question.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

So the first one, and I actually asked this of our kids the other day and a couple of friends that we have.

SPEAKER_00 35:31

But we asked ourselves those that question. We asked ourselves the same question. We asked that question all the time.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

If in five years from now you're in the same situation you are right now, will you be satisfied? So that is number one. Think about that.

SPEAKER_02 35:49

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 35:49

If you lived exactly like you're living right now, with your fears, with anything, your hope, your love, everything in five years from now, and life looks exactly the same it does today, are you satisfied? And then here, and that's more of a personal question for everyone. You could have a conversation with your spouse. Me and Omar did talk about this, about our lives, what it looks like in our marriage. But it's such a profound question because for us, we had to come to some realities that, oh, wait, wait, we are there, or nope, there's still aspects. And I'm not saying there's certain parts in our life right now that we're like, oh yeah, we're satisfied. And then there's other parts that we're like, but this and this and this can improve. Now, here's the questions I gave last time was what did money feel like growing up? Was it straight, safe, stressful, tight, generous? Those are examples. Question two, what scares you most financially right now? Now, here are the two new questions that I'm gonna share. What does financial security look like to you emotionally? Not numerically, emotionally. And then question four is what is the one thing you wish your spouse understood how about how money affects you? And that one, that's where me and Omar had to come to that realization where I had to tell him what money meant to me. And he finally got an understanding. Just like I had to sit down and hear his fears and the frustrations he was feeling. So I'm gonna go over the questions one more time. It's why what did money feel like growing up? Two, what scares you most financially right now? Three, what does financial security look like to you emotionally, not numerically? And four, what is one thing you wish your spouse understood about how money affects you? You don't you don't have to fix it tonight? No, you don't have to that conversation is not even to fix, it is just to understand each other. Yeah, it took like 10 years for us to be where we are right now, and then we have a second exercise that will help everybody, and this is the 10-minute money meeting. You can do this once a week, you can do this once a month, you can do this each night. It's really up to you. But there's three questions that you discuss with each other, right? What went well financially this week, month, etc. What stressed you financially this week, month, etc. And is there anything we should decide together before next week?

SPEAKER_00 38:42

It's only take 10 minutes for this.

SPEAKER_01 38:45

There no blaming, no correcting, just literally reflection time. And that reflection brings this awareness into your marriage. And I know I keep using that word awareness, but it was really what changed our lives when we when we started becoming aware of our own emotions. And I do that not like every day I'm like, oh, let me be aware. I mean, I can be a jackass and not be aware that I was, because that can happen. But there are a lot of moments that sit there and go, God, why did I just act like that? Or why why do I have this fear? Or what am I mad about or what am I sad about? Even it like what am I doing right now that brings me so much joy.

unknown 39:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:33

Because sometimes that's foreign to me.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

Yeah, you have to check yourself.

unknown 39:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:41

And if you have your own little way to see money that is working for you and it's just bringing you a great result, keep doing it. Just grow better on it.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:53

But yeah, that was my story.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Yeah. So the goal isn't to agree about money. No, the goal is to feel safe talking about money.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

A strong marriage isn't built when finances are perfect, it's built when conversations stay honest, even when finances aren't.

SPEAKER_00 40:12

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 40:12

And thank you guys. Thank you guys for listening to someone.

SPEAKER_00 40:15

Until the next time. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

Bye. Before we end, take a breath.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

You don't have to fix anything tonight.

SPEAKER_01 40:23

If something in this episode stirred emotions, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 40:28

It means something matters.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

You're allowed to take what helped and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_00 40:33

You are allowed to go slow.

SPEAKER_01 40:35

If staying feels heavy right now, you're not alone in that.

SPEAKER_00 40:38

And if listening brought a little bit of clarity or relief, we are honored to see here with you.

SPEAKER_01 40:45

Thank you for trusting us with your story, even the parts you didn't say out loud.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

We are still here.

SPEAKER_01 40:51

And we're glad you are too.