My Spouse Needs Subtitles

 Why does "I'm fine," "Do whatever you want," or "We need to talk" so often lead to misunderstandings? In this episode, Omar and Yami dive into the hidden meanings behind everyday phrases that create conflict in marriage. Through personal stories, humor, and honest conversation, they explore how assumptions, past experiences, and unspoken emotions shape communication. Learn practical ways to better understand your spouse, avoid unnecessary arguments, and strengthen your connection through clarity, grace, and laughter. Because sometimes what we mean and what our spouse hears are two very different things. 

Transcript

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Before we start, if your marriage feels hard right now, you're not failing. And if you thought, I don't know if I can keep doing this, you're not weak. You're certainly not alone. This pocket is not about perfect marriage. We don't have one. We've been married 18 years. There's a 13-year age gap between us. We blended a family young and we raised kids while still growing up ourselves. We walked through poverty, trauma, and fire we didn't know how to fix. There were times we were not sure we could make it. But we kept choosing again. Again after disappointment, again after heart statements. This podcast is for couple of minutes. We're married, it's messy and real. We are not here to give you a perfect answer. We're just still here and we're glad you are too. Hi, I'm Yami. And I'm Omar. In this episode, I think it's gonna be fun because I think every marriage, I think every relationship experiences this. Oh, of course. I mean, it's really, really fun. So this is what your spouse hears versus what you actually said. Nice. And so I know that we do this a lot. Oh, we still do. Oh, all the time. So for instance, I say, I'm tired. And when the husband hears, you are not helping enough. Or if the husband says, I'm going golfing Sunday, the wife might hear. I'd rather spend time with my friends than with you. Because of course we all create our own scenarios, we all create our own stories. And I think, and here are like some really completely misunderstood quotes that we say. Do whatever you want. I'm fine. Oh my god, that's the universe one. And I think I have at the do whatever you want, because I we've seen plenty of funny videos that the wife says, do whatever you want, and the man is like freaking out. I don't know why those are funny. This is a big one, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I heard that before. Or sometimes you do this to me. We need to talk, but we'll talk later. Oh yeah. Especially when you are the kind of person that you need to just talk right there in the moment and somebody tell you we need to talk, and and you're like, all right, talk. And you're like, no, we'll talk later. Yes, I know I hate that. You hate it. You do it to me all the time. Okay, but we're still we're still gonna talk. I know, but why call me and say, hey, we need to talk, but I'll call you later. Okay, good. Because in the moment I'm thinking about what we need to talk about, I just don't need to talk about it in the moment. I just remember and I'm like, hey, we need to talk because I know you will remember and it's gonna be in your head. I will probably forget about it. Even if it's important, I'll probably forget about it, and then and now you will be like, Oh, I remember this. That's it, that's the whole reason. Nothing else, it's nothing serious. So I'm sure that many of you are hearing this that go, oh yes, or universal one. I don't care. Choose, we'll eat whatever. Well, I think everybody needs a translator. Every couple new one. I know that a lot of times you're like, I don't care, choose. No, actually, I say I don't care, choose. I eat whatever. Yes, especially with food. Oh my god, I hate it. And then you start mentioning places, and I'm like, no, no, not craving that. No, not really, don't want that. By the third time that you say, I'm not craving that, I'm already frustrated to max. And I'm like, okay, you know what? We'll come back to this. When you decide what you want to eat, just let me know. And then you go ahead and choose the place. But you see, here's the thing, right? Because even as we're we were preparing for this episode, it just makes me think that how many times do we use these common phrases without actually just saying what we need to say or interpreting as something bad, right? Like you're we need to talk, or there's something I have to tell you. Yeah, but not now. Well, that just what do I do? I start creating the story, I start creating the the whole scenario. What does he need to talk about? Oh my god, what did I do? Was it something I did? What you know, and I just play that in my head until you tell me. That's why I hate it. Well, I think for husbands are the same way because when the wife calls and says, We need to talk, the first thing that comes to your mind is what the heck I did wrong. You know, that's always, I'm pretty sure that's 90% of the time what a man will think when the wife is like, we need to talk. Also, depending on the tone of voice. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But normally I can speak for myself. I'm like, okay, what the heck I did. But that we need to talk can mean so many things. It can be like, hey, I have an idea. Hey, I'm thinking of a vacation. Yeah. Hey, I'm thinking about something this weekend that we can do. Or, you know, I just want to connect. I just want to talk to you when you get home. But we're so trained by past experiences that that tone we need to talk does sometimes have that negative connotation to it. What about the one you never helped me? You oh, that's a big one. I say that a lot sometimes, especially when I'm stressed out and I'm really my mind is all over the place because I'm worrying about 10 different things. That tends to be a universal, you never help me. Yep. And normally what I hear is I do nothing right. And really, what I'm just trying to say is I'm overwhelmed right now. That's what I'm saying. We need a translator. Well, but what about when you simple words? Or what if we just say what we feel? Exactly. You know, I always ask you that. I was like, what happened, what it would be in the world, how the world would be if everybody said what they really feel like they need to say. Yeah. Yeah. The psychologist Sue Johnson, she was she wrote an article about this. And what she said, one of the things that she says is that that we are taught that beneath most complaints is a deeper emotional need. Can you read that again? So psychologist Sue Johnson taught that beneath most complaints is a deeper emotional need. So for instance, me saying you never help really is that emotional need of I'm so overwhelmed right now, I don't know what to do. Yeah. But you argue about so many other things besides that right there. About exactly what you said because it's an emotion, right? And then an emotion can go so deep. Yeah. And it can spread so wide. And sometimes one and you're trying to express it, or you're trying to communicate it, and you don't know. And so misinterpret. Here's a big one for me. When the house is not neat or it's not clean, and I start going, oh my god, nobody does anything in this house. I only have to do it, and I get very overwhelmed with that. I'm not laughing afraid right now because you say in this in the microphone, I'm thinking about it. I'm like, man, somebody will be thinking that the house is messy and dirty. And it's not, it's just full of crap, man. You are you have a problem. Well, okay, but it is, it's a deeper emotional thing for me. Remember, I talked about this. It's a control thing. I know the house is always clean and the house is always organized. It has to be. It's just one little thing. I see the video, right? For example, the wife walking to, I don't know if you ever seen those videos. The wife walk into the house and the remote control is not in the table, and all she sees is chaos in the house, like dishes everywhere, the sofa is upside down, and the husband is like, oh, and they move the remote to the right two inches away from where it was in the house. It's already clean again. Oh, you ever seen those videos? Yes. Well, yesterday, okay, yesterday. Perfect example. I walk into the restroom or bathroom, and you had some pants laying there. It was not laying there, they were folded in top right above the bathtub, right there, neatly. It was not like crumbed together into the in the in the corner. I folded and I lay it over the bathtub. And then you had the computer out because it was charging. My computer was charging because I didn't use my computer in a long period of time and it was pretty much dead. So I connected and I put the book bag right in front of the chair that we have in there, and uh and I closed the laptop and it was charging. And you came out like you are so messy. And I was like, What? I was like, You're so messy, and I'm like, Why? I said, You have pens laying down in the in the bathtub, in the bathroom, and then the computer is throwing the floor, and I'm like, sweetheart, I just folded the pens and put it in above in top of the the bathtub, and the computer is charging. As soon as the computer is done charging, I'm gonna put it away, like I always do, and I put it away. Another thing that I noticed is I took the book bag and I put it right in front of it because I was gonna use it today for some reason, but I saw you in the closet, put it in away in the corner that you can see the corner where it belongs. So I am the translator. So I laughed because again, it's just a statement, and it wasn't, and it's not. I really don't think you're messy. I am not messy. Okay, I used to be messy, but that is true. I used to be uh I used to be a messy person when you met me in the beginning. Now I not consider myself messy anymore. I just may not act in the moment like you do, or I would do things the way you wanted in the moment to be, but I'm not messy anymore. I like I hate mess now. I hate messy, give me anxiety now. But that for me is the whole control and the chaos, it's emotional for me. Of course. You feel unsane, you feel unsupporter, and I'm pretty sure you're feeling more important. Because I've mentioned many times, please don't leave the clothes on the bathtub. Or hey honey, shoes are a big one. Please put the shoes on the rack. Yes, and they're never on the rack, which I never mentioned. I'm just mentioning now. That is true. I've been really pushing that shoes in the rack is the shoes that I always use. I had two pairs of shoes in the rack. One, the one that I use daily after work. That's my shoe for walking and everything, and then the ones that are used for walk, for for work. Those are the ones in the every other shoes are in the rack. Those I don't feel the need to put in the rack because I'm gonna use it every single day. So here, here we go, guys. Perfect example of how we build things differently. So when we say comments, I wish you guys to see his face right now. He feels like he's just conquered the world being able to say all this on microphone. For the whole world to hear. But I mean, here we go, right? This is where these are just simple little issues that anybody can hear this and go, Wow, really? Are you guys really talking about shoes on a rack? And it's because it's an emotional deeper thing for me. Just like certain things are an emotional deeper thing for you. Yeah, so I think here's here's another one that is happens to us all the time. Omar loves to sigh, he loves to go. Okay, and he does it all the time when he is hold on, when he is frustrated about something, okay, he doesn't want to say what he's feeling, so he needs to let it out. And then my next question is always what is wrong? And what is your response? Nothing, nothing, nothing is wrong. Because let me explain that in the moment I may be going through something, but I may find the answer myself, or it's something dumb, stupid, that really don't require for us to have a full blowout conversation. It's really not important. I need five to ten minutes to go through what I'm going through in my mind, talk to myself in my mind, and if I can find the answer, it's all good. If I don't find the answer, then the next step is I will come on, I communicate with you and we talk about it. And in my head, I'm going, what the heck? Can't you talk to me? Why can't you just tell me? What did I do now? What do we need to resolve? What are you frustrated about? What did I just say that frustrated you? And so these are just emotions that play in your head, and that what could happen, we can get to an argument over it. Of course. Which I don't think we do anymore. I think we kind of just laugh it off now. But it did cause arguments a lot in the past. In the beginning, yes. Yes, and that's how we learn that certain things are dumb. And you sometimes have to let them be. Or he likes to like what? Suck on your teeth. Whatever. That's another sign. So there's all these phrases and signs and things that we do that have an emotional meaning. Sometimes I feel what it is that we just don't know how to express at the moment, or we're avoiding something. Yeah. But the truth of the matter is we're not really avoiding anything because the person is already putting in meaning to your phrase. Well, the thing is, you look at it from your own perspective. That's just the way it is. Yeah. Certain things trigger you that can come from you being a kid or being an adult adult. And once you get married, you know, living with that person in closed quarters can trigger things. Well, I I mean, absolutely, right? We come from different backgrounds, we have different experiences. I mean, we talk about it in the last two episodes. Money was just so different for both of us. For both of us. And not only that, but some of these phrases could be something that we heard that triggers us. Well, some of those phrases can be negative. Yes. It was something that it was used negative against you when you were younger, and that can trigger something. Because even though we adults now, does not mean that we have overcome those things. Now we just have the idea that we are adults and we can express ourselves and we have a voice. Because I remember me being a kid, in the way that I grew up, kids don't talk back to their parents. Yeah. You're not allowed to express your feelings back to your parents. I mean, to my mom, I mean, that would be a slap in the face. That woman is a tough cookie. I think she still is. Yes, she is. That's another story. So think about a time when we had a dumb argument over a simple phrase. Because you want to call it a dumb argument or a funny argument? Or a funny argument. Oh, there's not plenty of that. Oh, we sure do. That where you heard something or I heard something, or we said something, and then it completely got blown out of proportion. And I think a bike a big one for us as kids. I don't think that is anymore. No, no, no. But it used to be because you would say a comment, and I would get very defensive as a mom. Or I would say a comment, which really meant nothing, and you would get defensive as a dad. Yeah. That is true. But that's what happened when I toy a lot younger. And then that happened anymore. No, but they're examples, right? That can happen in any marriage. Of course. Yeah. You know. See, I think parent is a is it's it's a delicate what you call delicate thread that you're supposed to you need to learn how to handle that one. Because I mean, as a mom, you see things in here, things different than what I do after that. But now they're all grown. So it's fun now. Now it's good to argue about that. And to learn to laugh through it all. Yes. I think that's a big one. And I think that's something that we have learned to do. Not always, but I think being on these microphones helps us because we talk some of the stuff through and then we realize, huh? Well, no, that much. I think I'm gonna correct you now. I think we laugh about every argument. Unless if it's something serious, like if something that really needs to our attention and things like that, you know, like big things that happen in our life. Most of the time we laugh about everything. We go, we do a little drive, we look at each other. Sometimes we get in the car, we're gonna upset, we look at each other after five minutes of driving, and we start laughing. And we just realize that what we're thinking about is dumb. Yeah. Or if it isn't if we don't feel that that dumb, we still laugh, but we take care of the problem. Yeah. Yeah, I think laughing is a big deal. Yeah, laughing in a marriage is so important. It just lowers that defensiveness, it increases connection. Yeah, it kind of just like bring the walls down. And we recover more quickly. Now, because we our arguments don't last hours, they really just last a few minutes, and then we are able to laugh about it. Yeah, it just helps to recover quickly. And you bring a sense of connection as well. Because when you and me we argue, not argue, when you and me we have disagreement. I mean, what was the last time that we and me we argue? Like we really have an argument. I cannot remember. The day at the park that I walked home. Yeah, but that was not an argument that we have. We just say what we gotta say. You went your way, I went my way, and whatever. And then we jump in the car and we laugh. But I do believe that when you smile with your spouse or you laugh about what the problem might be. I mean, it's still it can still be a problem, but when you laugh at it, it increases the connection that you have with your partner. And like you say, it brings the defensiveness out. So laughing is good. Yeah, I highly recommend it. Yeah, I agree. I don't used to laugh that much. And I think not only the laughter, but I think also we talk it through. If you say a comment, like, oh nothing's wrong, and I know something's wrong. And I say, Okay, when you're ready to talk, talk. Before I wouldn't do that, I would just get on your case and then I'd get angry. Yes. But now it's like, okay, I'm gonna let you. And then when you're ready, you talk, and usually you just talk within minutes. Yeah, all you need is a little bit of space. Like I said, all I need is a give me five minutes to figure it out what the heck is going on into my mind. Yes. And if it's something stupid, I will tell you, I don't think stupid. And hey, you, hey, I still want to tell you, but it's stupid, it's no reason to have a full-blown conversation. If it's something that is require a little bit more seriousness, I will tell you, hey, we need to talk. This is something that's bothering. And then what I need to do is not create assumptions, not sit there and go, Well, I know something's wrong, and it must be this. And now I'm creating the scenario in my head that only causes me to become defensive, to maybe be upset about it, and you haven't even said what's wrong. And that can happen so much. Yeah. And and I think that's one of the biggest things that happens in marriages is that there's so much that we don't understand. For instance, maybe if we said to each other, hey, when I'm stressed out, don't whatever the case may be, right? Don't get after me. Don't push the subject. Yes, just like you said, give me a few minutes, let me talk it through. For me, it was when I'm upset, yeah, give me space. Remember, you used to want to talk right away. Oh, yeah, and I couldn't. I was really bad on that. And I said, just give me space. Yeah, space is is is key. You have to give your spouse some space. Yeah. Yeah. Even when someone's quiet. Yeah. Normally to me, when I'm quiet doesn't mean nothing. I just I'm quiet. Yeah. Men don't talk that much. We process everything in our head. But you know, a woman makes assumptions. I'm not gonna say every woman. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna generalize. I make assumptions. If you're too quiet and I think there's something you should say, I'm making assumptions. But maybe if I just understood what quiet means to you, and we had that conversation, or I tell you when I'm quiet what that means to me, it'll avoid the assumptions. Yeah, it'll avoid trying to figure out why you're quiet, what's going on, because I think that's the main thing. Right, we always want to figure out what's going on and then we start tying our own emotions to it. Yeah, exactly. I don't I think the the issue is nobody wants to I think for example I don't want to see you struggle with anything, I don't want to see you mad because of course that affects the way our day go or we have any plans. So I would like to resolve it right there and then. But I have learned when you say I need some space, I need to respect the space. And that normally means, hey, what I'm going through right now is something that is really feel serious to me. And if you give me a little bit of space, I will come around, I will talk to you. But right now, I need this. But now I've learned to say, Hey, I need the space. Give me a few minutes, we'll talk. Before I used to be like, I'm okay. I'm okay. Yeah, I'm serious. I'm okay. And the truth was, I wasn't okay. Yeah. And I also have learned to give you the space. Now the fact that I need to go and resolve it right then, then. Okay, let's resolve it right here and now. And you're like, no, I don't know. Now is not the time. So learning. Or something like do what you want. Okay, what does that really mean? Yeah, exactly. Instead of saying, Yeah, go ahead, enjoy yourself, have a good time. Those that wording is so different than go ahead and do what you want. Saying do what you want is like you have a choice, but there may be consequences to it. Exactly. But it's such a broad comment, right? Do whatever you want. What does that mean? Sometimes you need some guidance in that comment. Do whatever you want, but you know, whatever case may be. And the truth is, a lot of times, I know you and me, we spent so many years assuming what each other what each other thought. It's like a puzzle. Instead of just learning, like we just had to learn. Communication is key. Communication, telling you, instead of saying, Yes, I'm okay, telling you, okay, I'm not okay right now, but just give me a couple minutes, we'll talk. I just I just need five minutes to myself. Or like you saying, yes, I'm sighing, I'm hovering and puffing, but I'm not talking because I can't right now. I have to put my thoughts together. So understanding that now with each other and having that communication and really really giving each other that space and that respect has shifted things. Because now when you sign, I don't have to read into it or create my own assumptions or create my own stories to be upset. I can say, okay, he's just trying to put his thoughts together and eventually we'll talk. Well, sometimes I don't have the words. So my half and puffing probably does me trying to figure it out how I'm gonna put everything together. Yeah. And the truth is, maybe it's something you don't want to talk about. And also respecting that. Yeah. I'm gonna be 90% that is right. Normally when I half and puff, it's because something that I go into and I want to talk about it. I just don't know how to put words into it. If I really don't want to talk about it, I don't say anything. I just talk to myself in the way to work. Yeah. Yeah. I think another one that's a pet peeve for me is I don't care. I don't care. Do whatever you want. Think about that one. Oh my god. That tone. I don't care. Do whatever you want. This missing, dismissing. And it's like, yeah, it's like dismissive, and that person can feel like, oh, am I doing something wrong? Am I going to get in trouble? I hate using getting in trouble because you sound like your kids. Yeah. But I mean, that is a thought, right? Like, oh God, what am I, what's gonna happen now when I don't when I get home, or you know, when does when I do decide to do this situation? And I mean, all that can be avoided if you just communicated. If you just really said what you have to say. Yeah. So there's there's questions that you can answer to yourself privately when you are thinking about this. And and this can help you to really understand each other. Then you can share this with each other, but you can say things like, I feel most loved when I feel more stressed when what I need during conflict is see, and that's a big one for me. That's a big one. Because that one for me was when we need when we were in conflict, I needed space. You needed to talk. Yeah, so understanding from that that from each other helps. What I need after conflict is, and something I wish you knew is so I'm gonna go ahead and repeat that. You can answer yourself. It's one, I feel most loved when two, I feel most stressed when three, what I need during conflict is, four, what I need after conflict is, and five, something I wish you knew is. And this is you write it out, you process it, you actually it'll give you an awareness of what those things are, and then you just have a conversation with your spouse. I think this is you know, when we were talking about in the beginning that we need a dictionary, this can be your your role map right there. Yeah, you just write it down. That way it gives you an awareness to yourself, and at the same time, it's something that you can pass down to your spouse and say, Hey, listen, here it is. Yeah, because you know, we now magicians, we don't know. At the end of the day, you can be you and me, we've married for 18 years, and it's always something new that we're discovering about our children. And we're always changing. I'm not the same woman I was when you met. No. Meaning, now there's different things for me. You know, what I need after a conflict is completely different than what I needed after a conflict 18 years ago. Yes, you know we were younger. I mean, also we were younger, we were in experience, even though you were older than me, but we were in experience in our marriage. Now we know how to handle those things because we have we created our own little roadmap to success in a marriage when it's come to those things. That's why we can discern certain aspects of the other person, you know. When I'm hoping and puffing, and when I'm actually not communicating with you and I'm hoping and puffing, you let me be. And you smile, and you're like, okay, when you're ready to talk, you let me know, and then I smile and I'm like, okay, okay, it's something stupid, something dumb. You automatically don't go and push the button or pry in you, you don't try to break that door. You just let me be. Yeah, when you're going through your thing and through your process, you're quiet, and I want to see what's going on, you're like, I just need a little bit of time. I know that that door is not needed to be opened right now. Yeah, it can take one day, it can take one week, it can take one month. I will leave that door closed until you're ready to open it. And then we'll figure it out from there. Yeah. So once you answer these questions and you discuss them, also think about cues, right? Like, I don't care, you choose, nobody helps me. You know, those type of comments that we say instead of truly saying what we want to say, just have an understanding of each other, have that conversation as well. Like, okay, babe, you know, like me running out of the room going, oh, you're such a mess. And really, I was just probably overwhelmed about something. And instead of dealing with that, I'm looking at whatever I thought was chaos in my house. So just have those conversations, have that awareness in your marriage. Again, that word awareness, because it helps. And guys, laugh, enjoy it. Life, be okay to laugh at life. Yeah, what is the quote that you have from Victor? What's his name last name? Text of the Warch, I think it is. Um, I have to look for it. So he said, yeah, the shortest distance between two people is a laugh. Yeah. I like that. And I mean, and it's so true. It's true. It is so true. Before we close down, I I was gonna say something about those two statements that you say, you know, I don't care and do whatever you want. That is such a dangerous statement to say to somebody, in my opinion, to me. And we're gonna talk about I'm talking about you and me. It is dangerous because you can take that and misinterpret in so many ways. So many ways. Like I don't care, or do whatever you want. I just I don't think that's something that you should say to well the thing is, think about it, our past experiences is what forms our thoughts. So and I don't care, do whatever you want. It's kind of like like blowing you off, right? And that blowing off can bring up so much because ego gets in the way now. I mean, there's so much that can happen by a comment like that, and that's not the only one. I mean, there's so many different ones, yeah. But again, even knowing that, like even us talking about it, that's something for us to be careful with. Rather than just saying, look, I'd rather you not, I'm not trying to stop you. I just want you to understand what I'm feeling right now, and that's and that's important, and that's it. Sometimes just explaining a little bit can avoid a whole argument, yeah, and and also just give your spouse, your partner, a chance to prepare himself for whatever the conversation is gonna be. Yeah, whatever's gonna come. You don't have to go in details, just a little bit, just to know what the other person is going through. And that gives you a chance when the time that comes when the time comes for that conversation to happen. Not only are you ready, but your spouse also is prepare. Yes. So I think that's important. I like that. And at the end of the day, keep choosing. Keep still choosing each other because we're still choosing us. Yes, we are. Until the next time. Thank you. Thank you. Before we end, take a breath. You don't have to fix anything tonight. If something in this episode stirred emotions, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your marriage. It means something matters. You're allowed to take what helped and leave the rest. You are allowed to go slow. If staying feels heavy right now, you're not alone in that. And if listening brought a little bit of clarity or relief, we are honored to stay here with you. Thank you for trusting us with your story, even the parts you didn't say out loud. We are still here. And we're glad you are too.