Don’t Tell the Kids, They’re Allowed to Say Pussy

This episode goes everywhere moms of older kids know life suddenly starts to go: awkward questions, changing bodies, inappropriate song lyrics, sex talks you were not emotionally prepared to have, and the slow realization that your sweet little boys are somehow becoming actual teenage boys. We’re talking about all of it — from parasite group chats and full moon theories to sextortion, porn, kissing, Santa, and those moments when your kids ask a question and you have approximately half a second to decide whether to be honest, vague, or pretend you didn’t hear them.

This is one of those conversations that feels exactly like motherhood in real life: funny, unfiltered, slightly unhinged, and full of moments where you think, “Wait… are we really here already?” If you’ve ever found yourself trying to explain adult topics in kid language while also questioning every parenting decision you’ve ever made, this one will feel very familiar. And as always, don’t tell the kids.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Need a break from your endless to-do list? Welcome to Don't Tell the Kid. We're two busy moms sharing the real, busy, funny conversations about life and motherhood. I'm Mel, Mama Three, Mom of the Nerd, an entrepreneur figuring it out as I go.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

And I'm Siobhan, a single mom of two, usually barefoot, and always saying yes advice, no advice, and just honest conversations on and off the mic. So grab your coffee, hide out in your car, and don't tell the kids.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Alright, so we don't know. We're drinking mocktails.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

At two o'clock in the afternoon. Clearly it's been one of those days. I know.

SPEAKER_03 0:51

We're fake drinking at 2 p.m.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Oh god. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. I mean I don't know. Do you think the full moons affect you?

SPEAKER_02 1:02

Oh. I don't know. I feel like the parasites start going wild. Oh my god, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

So context, we go to our kids go to Settner Academy, right? And uh it's an amazing school, all about wellness. There's a Settner spa. Anyway, farms, full of farms, amazing. And there is a parasite chat. Chat. And people may or may not share pictures of their parasite.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

I'm like, seriously? I was in it for like a hot second and I got right out. I put it in archive so it stops sending random.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

It's like I'd rather get like a random dick pic than a poop. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Like, I do not want to see anyone's poop. Like, thank you, but no, I couldn't even, I mean, I barely want to see a dick pic. I'd rather see your boobs. I agree. Boobs are way prettier than dicks anyway. But like, if we're gonna go there, like send us anything besides your poop. Oh my god. And everyone's like, is this a hookworm? I know. I'm like, I don't even want to look at my own poop that clearly. I definitely don't want to look at yours. Like, and I thought about taking I did a parasite cleanse. And you almost did it. You almost supposed to. No, I did. I almost took a picture though. I almost took a picture. I thought about taking a picture. And then I'm like, what am I gonna do with this picture? Like, I'm embarrassed to show my husband. Post it into the chat.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

No, yeah, but I think it's like a judgment-free zone. If I didn't parasite cleanse and I thought there was worms in there, I 100% would post that picture.

SPEAKER_04 2:40

You would?

SPEAKER_02 2:40

I don't care. I was you know, I'm never embarrassed. Jack was always embarrassed. He doesn't do the looking, he doesn't want to say, Mom, mom. People I'm like, Jacqueline, nobody cares. Oh my god, that's so good. No one's gonna think about it three days later and be like, oh, remember that picture of Melanie's poop?

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Like, nobody cares. I a hundred percent agree. I think maybe there just says something about you if you're in the chat.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

Exactly. No one's gonna be in that chat and know what you signed up for.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Yeah, that's fair. And so I opted out of the chat. I decided that was just a little bit more information than I needed. And I'm very much an open book. I just um decided no. But that's funny you say Giacomo gets embarrassed because literally Brooks told me that Giacomo pooped the other day at school. And he said it smelled so bad, and he seemed very proud of it. Like Giacomo seemed proud of it in the way Brooks told the story.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

I think he's like a completely different kid when he's in that little friend group.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

But I love that he's so like comfortable and like a different kid around the you see that I don't know that I I have not actually witnessed that at Brooks, I haven't been able to see it. However, on Halloween night, I happened to get separated from everyone, and so I was walking down the street. We ran into this guy with you from Chicago, which was super crazy anyway. And Chris Chris like left because he went to find Ashton and I was like hanging out talking. And then we were saying goodbye, and I was like, I'm not being creepy, but I'm just gonna stand here because I'm spying on my kid because they kept running down the street, and Brooks is running. I mean, first of all, his mouth is like all blue, high as hell. Exactly. It's a mess. Basically, I'm like, I don't allow that shit. So they've like, you know, probably popped every Godstop from his mouth. But anyway, I was like just like watching for a second. It was so interesting because Carter and Giacomo came up. I think there were these girls there, but Brooks kind of hung in the back. But I was like, oh, to like be a spy, like to be a fly of them all is so interesting, just for like a second.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

They're getting that age, you know. I don't think Brooks, I don't think Brooks was there. It was maybe the next, I don't know, last week or something. All the kids went, it was Jacko McCarter, Wyatt, and then three of the girls, and they all went to top golf.

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

And I was gonna bring them home. So I drove all the way from my house to Melissa's to bring him home, and then he's like, Well, actually, I'm just gonna go to dad's where we're gonna talk golf. I was like, Are you kidding? You could have walked here instead I drove for like an hour and a half in the car later. Two hours later I got home like, well, that was John. Everyone's like, Where's the Jocko? I was like, Well, that was a fruitless effort, but yeah, he and they all ended up there, and then they could. I guess they couldn't get a ride. They also weren't supposed to be there, you have to have an adult unless you're 16, and John was like, Well, I'm 16, and they're like, Yeah, but you need an adult for the other kid, you can't be there.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Caretaker. He can pass for 16 now. I mean, he totally can, but that's why.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

They were like, Yeah, but you need an adult, but he said they never came back, they just left left them. But John was like, we'll ride home. I was like, You guys need to get your shit together. You went all the way over there, you didn't know how you're getting home. George is very sweet. He went over and got everybody, and then I guess all the kids went back to his house and they made like a bonfire in the back, and he sent me a picture of like all like the three boys and three girls like sitting around the fire, like talking. I was like, Oh god, they're about to I know.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

We came home actually that night. Our dogs are gonna be annoying. Um, we came home that night, and there were the boys were swimming, and there were like girls here out by our pool, and we're like, oh my gosh, like, are we in that phase of life? Like, that's so wild. Which yeah, I feel like Brooks is still. I said I said to Brooks, I'm like, your friends are all getting crustaches, you stashes. I was like, You see one yet? Oh my god. But they're like getting to that point, it's so funny. Just getting like hair on his chin, he's got like peach fuzzy hair on his chin.

SPEAKER_04 6:14

I could see his crustaches.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Looking like in the mirror, I'm like, oh, when do we like shave this thing? I don't know. He looks like a little man. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He is a little man. But I'm trying to think, like seventh grade. I feel like I was like making out in tree houses. Were you? Maybe. I kind of think we used to hang out at like the Wawa in Smithville. Like in the back of the Wawas where we meet up, and there was like a kind of like a and your mom would drop you off there or you could walk. No, I did not, I lived kind of far away. I think I got dropped off at like a friend's house. My mom would have never been like, alright, I'm leaving you at Wawa. I know you leave your kid there or no. I think we'd we're at a friend's house and we I mean, unless I'm totally mixing up. No, I'm pretty sure it's middle school. I'm thinking about the boys you were hanging out with. It was middle school. Did you have boobs by seventh grade?

unknown 7:04

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 7:05

No, I have like boobs now, but I don't think I'm so good.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

But you have boobs. I remember like in school being like after summer, and you'd be like, oh, so-and-so has boobs. I kept waiting for my boobs to come. I don't ever came.

SPEAKER_02 7:14

I think I had boobs, but I think I let someone feel my boobs in science class. In science class?

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Like doing a movie. Shut up. In seventh grade?

SPEAKER_04 7:25

I think seventh or eighth grade? I'll just have Steve Calendar. I think it was Steve Calendar.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

You watching fast. I was like a late bloomer, so I was not doing any, I didn't even have like my first French kiss till I was like I think a freshman actually. And the guy was older and he told people I'd put my tongue up his nose. Oh. I didn't do that clearly. Like you can't be that bad of a kisser. Like, I clearly didn't. Oh boys are so mean. I know, right? But I wasn't really that scarred. I was like, whatever. It wasn't that good. It wasn't that good of a kiss in the first place.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

I don't think these kids are at any way of that age that they're gonna.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

I don't know. Brooks is not there yet, but I think some of those boys.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

I think Jack Moses used to kiss his girlfriend on like last Friday or something when the boys were all over. They were talking about it. I wouldn't put it past him to be kissing girls. What do you say though? You're gonna be like, hey buddy, you wanna ask your dad how to kiss?

unknown 8:20

No.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

You couldn't know how do they know how to kiss?

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Nobody knows how to kiss. You just figure out kisses waffles.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Maybe that's why he's open mouth kissing our dog.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Brooks love that too, that dog. I'm like, she needs poops. That's so disgusting. Like, seriously, I told him. Talk about parasites. Oh, seriously. I actually just told him, I was like, you better stop doing that before you get a girlfriend because she's never gonna kiss you. Yeah, it's so nice disgusting. But I don't think you have to talk about that, but I did say to Chris, I was like, at one point, like, you're gonna have to have a conversation with him. I go, you're gonna have to have a conversation with Brooks soon, like about sex, and he's like, I've already had it. And I was like, have you talked about condoms? And he's like, No, I guess I need to. And I'm like, we're not there yet, but I would much rather be ahead of the game because somebody's going to be there. I had a conversation with Jacko about sex tortion.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Sex tortion. Where people wear, like, uh because they have you know their iPads, and it, you know, there's it's like a whole thing. So there's like boys committing suicide. Young boys. Okay, what was that conversation look like? I was like, yeah, you know, because we're both similar with the phone iPad thing. They don't have phones, but he doesn't have an iPad, and I've been giving him more freedom, yeah, to at night, because I think a lot of the kids chat at night on their iPads. So I've been letting him at night get on like the group chats with everybody, and he's he's when you say at night, okay. Is he allowed to keep it in his room when he sleeps? No. No. I'll say we have a strong policy about that too. I mean, and I made him, I got a he has like a speaker in his room, so he puts on, he's listening to David Goggins, and he has it playing, and I the iPad goes in the other room, and the speaker is in his room. Okay. And you put on a timer, and then when it's over, it's turns off.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Oh, it does that? Yeah. That's cool.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

Because I was like, no, I don't, he's like, well, but I need it in my room. I gotta listen to my boat. I was like, no, handy that. Yeah. So you can see that. I got a Bluetooth speaker. Here you go. Yeah. And he was like, Well, really? And I'm like, Yeah, yes, you don't need it in there. No, 100%. There's nothing good that can come up in the middle of the night. But I have been letting him like Ellie's like, oh, John rolls out on his phone. I'm like, well, he's older. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

And it's not a phone, it's an iPad.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

So they're all chatting, but the fact that he's he's not at the door closed. Yeah, I don't let him shut the door. He has been taking it out and like laying out in the backfield on his iPad. Oh. It's like, okay, you want privacy, you can talk to your friends. I get it, I get that age, but like, you also are not just on a phone, you're on a device that has other stuff that I don't like with the door closed.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

I actually told Brooks he's allowed to lock his door just recently. But I said, I was like, listen, I was like, we Chris and I had this conversation because we were like, we lock our door for specific reasons, and I was like, I was like, I think he's at the age where I don't want to walk in on the show. I kind of feel like that's what the shower's for. Yeah, that's fair. But I think with an iPad, somebody's jerking off the porn? No, because I speci I'm very open, so I said I was like, like, like just so we're clear, I was like, you are not You know, they know how to like clear their browser histories and everything.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

These kids aren't dumb, they're smarter than we are. And Iliad said that to me. She's like, you know, Jacko knows how to like delete everything. It's like we think we're gonna go in there and like look at stuff. They're smarter than we are. Is that Florida supposed to be you can't watch it anywhere? These kids know how to like get different VPNs. They're so much smarter than us. All you need is a different VPN.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

I don't even know what how would you do that? Seriously? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

Websites, you just get a different VPN and it looks like you're in a different state and that you can look at porn. I think I've scared him away from porn. Maybe I'm naive, but it's like I don't know. But to answer the question, I just said, listen, you're on your iPad. Right. I mean, they don't have Snapchat and they don't have whatever TikTok they don't have, even though I think he put it on the iPad at his dad's house. I think you're the one that told me. Like, does he have it? Like Brooke said he has it and went a whole conversation. He got in trouble. Yeah. Big trouble. Yeah. And I because I took his iPad away. I was like, you're not allowed on this for two months. Yeah. Like, I told you you're not allowed to. And these are going back to last week's conversation where I wore the same outfit. Um, that he knew the consequences. Like, he knew that he's not allowed on TikTok and he's not allowed to have Snapchat. And he did it. So there's the consequence. No, totally. Yeah, I get that. So even if it's not here, if it's that you're dad-I mean, that's complicated too, though. But I did ask his dad. His dad's like, I didn't know he had it. Right. It's not like he said, Dad, can I download this? Except he did say he said, Dad, can I download this? And he's like, Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

He didn't ask, yeah. So I'm like, I've been guilty of that. I've been like, so my kids sometimes be like, You told me I could. I'm like, I clearly didn't hear you. I thought you said something else. Like, well, that wasn't a TikTok or anything like that. But like a game, I'm like, when did you get this? That happened the other day. I'm like, Jacob, where's my credit card?

SPEAKER_02 12:41

But all the boys went out pizza. And he's like, I gave it back to you. I was like, you did not. You did not give it back to me. I wasn't home when you came home, but I put on like a pair of jeans shorts with my back pocket. I was like, Ilya, do I tell Giacomo?

SPEAKER_03 12:54

And she's like, Don't tell her! Oh my god, that's what funny.

SPEAKER_02 12:57

I told him, I told him he was right. Okay, wait a minute, we keep going out. So it's like distortion. So I said, Listen, I'm sure you will never do this. I'm just telling you right now, I don't care who your girl is. If this girl messages you and sends you pictures of her boobs, her butt, anything, and asks you to send it, you do not do it. You never do it. I don't care how hot this girl is, I don't care. She says she's gonna come meet you and she's the love of your life. So you do not do it. And I So that's what they ask for? They ask for pictures of their ask her them to send pictures, and then they're like, just kidding, I'm a gang in Nigeria, and you're gonna get me money, or I'm gonna send this to your family. There's been like I'd have to look up, I don't want to like misquote it, but enough of young boys committing suicide. Wow. Yeah. Did you have an Instagram account? It's called Scrolling to Death, like the number two, scrolling to death. I actually think you sent me something on there. Yeah, this young girl does it and it's it's scary. So, did you tell him that kids commit suicide every day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told him I said, listen, they're so embarrassed and they're so horrified and they're afraid to go to their parents. Is it first of all you know that's always right can always come to me no matter what? So you're get drunk and you're hammered somewhere, you call us. Right. We don't care, you're never gonna get in enough trouble that it's worth driving drunk or doing something silly, like we're always here. And so I know.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

But I had to tell them about that, and then I also said, like, you know, I don't know. I mean, they because they're saying now, like it's not your kids are 13, it's not whether they've seen porn, it's what kind and how much. 100%. And maybe Florida's different if kids don't know how to do the VPN thing, but they all know how to do it, they're so smart. And I just said to him also on that front, it's like you're the reason I don't like it and don't want you looking at it, even though I'm sure you will, is that it's not real. Those are fake people, it is hours long of them acting. It's not real, and a lot of the things that girls seem to like, it's not what people like in real life. Yeah, yeah, no, totally. And girls can get hurt, and you don't do that. I was reading that some boy like got in trouble because he was like choking somebody.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

No, we know, we know that. We know somebody who told us that's somebody that they know, yeah. Like literally, that was somebody that she looked like she liked it in the porn. Yes, exactly. I think Chris, somebody Chris knows that happened to their friend or something, 100%. Like, that's that's what he thought that's what sex was. And we actually I've told Brooks that more than once. I keep telling them that same thing. I'm like, that's just not an accurate depiction of what sex is. That's not how you want to learn about sex, like that's that's not it. But you know, it's interesting, they were talking about Kim Kardashian. Can you just look up Kim Kardashian's sex? Like, is that still I'm sure you probably can still find it, right?

SPEAKER_02 15:34

Substitute, I guess. Because didn't they ask?

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Didn't he ask how Maddox and Brooks Maddox and Brooks were like, how did Kim Kardashian get famous? And I was like, God. And Ashley wasn't around, and of course Chris isn't around because I always get these questions and he's kind of like, why? It always happens. And so I was like, I don't know. And Brooks is like, you do know. I was like, I do know, and I don't really know how to explain this to you. And he's like, try. And I was like, I was like, listen, what I tell you is not to be repeated, not to be share with friends, like, and so I said I was like, I honestly I was like, a la shot. Bella likes this story, and Dirty Bird. She is dirty bird. So anyways, I was like telling her, I was like, yeah, she was dating some guy. I thought he was an athlete, I don't even know. You know, me. Probably something, and I was like, and they filmed themselves having sex, and somehow it leaped. And I was like, And then what did Brooke say? Literally, they just both sat there and like didn't say talk about some more. And I was like, you know, you could have just said that she was Paris Hilton's best friend, and you're like, oh man. I never crossed my mind.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

I'm like, John's meeting the other day what a MILF was. Oh wow. And I was like, you really want to know? He's like, yeah. He's like, is it bad? I was like, did someone call you a MILF? No, one of my mom friends, her Instagram account is MILF somehow. Oh, is it really?

SPEAKER_03 17:03

Oh my god, I'm like, uh Yeah, I saw her the other day and I told her, I said, by the way, I had to tell my son what a MILF was because of you.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Sorry. Uh when you were growing up, could you ask your mom these questions? Like, did you ask her things like this?

SPEAKER_02 17:17

I feel like I didn't have as many of those questions, but I mean she knew that I was like having sex and immediately brought me to the doctor and I've got birth control.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Like it wasn't even a question, but it wasn't a conversation, she just took you.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

And I don't remember if I asked or why. Yeah, but she knew my boyfriend was older, he was four years older. I'm sure he was yeah, she like assumed what was happening. Yeah. You were on it before I actually lost my community. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I was 15. 15. Actually, I thought that I was 14, but I talked to this gentle recently, and he was like, You were not 14, you were 15.

SPEAKER_03 17:56

He was very adamant that I was 15.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

And he it's funny, he remembers. I don't, God, I'm such a horrible person. It was like, it was spring soccer season, which is after February, and your birthday's in February.

SPEAKER_04 18:08

Oh wow, that's a good memory right there.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

You say, I know.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

Your birthdays are one day apart, so I think that's also why I remember my birthday.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yeah. God, you look at our kids and they're like, that's two years, it's like nothing.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

And they're gorgeous. Yeah, yeah. I remember. It's bright, and it was bright and drove me to soccer practice.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

Probably also why I remember it was soccer season. Went up from school and was like, I'm doing this today. So by the way, when I see you at soccer, I'm gonna have had sex.

SPEAKER_03 18:37

She was like, Oh god. Oh, you were planning it. You knew.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

I knew it. I could not ask about it. I was so in love with him. Oh, you're so in love. Oh my gosh. That was your first love. Oh yeah, yes, so absolutely in love. And you dated him for a while?

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Yeah. He went off to college, we still dated. I mean, like, you know, like you probably had girlfriends beside me in college, but yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:00

I still see him sometimes. In the summer, he like grew up where I grew up and he's sweet and pants and still. Hot firefighter.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Like, oh, he's married. He's married and has kids. We're not breaking up families. No, no, just joking. Just joking. Do not break up families on this podcast. We try to hold them together.

SPEAKER_03 19:21

Oh yeah. What about you?

SPEAKER_00 19:23

I mean, I was not able to have conversations with my mom about any of this. So I think that's why I'm like so forthcoming about all these things that are that are hard. They're hard to talk about, right? Why? Because she was so against it. She's just like uncomfortable with all of it. So I mean, she literally told me, like, if you get in trouble, go to your i sister. Yeah, and and she basically begged me. Like, that was what she did. She didn't, we didn't have conversations, but she like begged me, please don't have sex before you get out of high school. Which I didn't actually, like, really. I mean, I did like two months after I was in college, of course, right? But like, no, I graduated high school a virgin. Like, I had a boyfriend that I loved, like, almost had sex with him, came very close, but like, um, but anyway, I feel like because we didn't have that open lines of communication, I'm like, I decided like years ago, like I'm going to be Maybe you guys are very super open on this with your kids.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

Super I can't believe you told them about Santa. Well, like they ask, like they ask all the time.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

Yeah, or do you lie to the bitter end?

SPEAKER_00 20:21

No, I don't lie. I mean, that's actually literally though, I had that conversation with Maddox, and he was like, when I first learned about Santa, I was kind of like disappointed that you lied to me. And I was like, I know. I was like, but even that, Chris and I I literally remember asking Chris, like, do we want to do this? And you even want to like lie about Santa. Because when I learned about Santa, then I was like, is God fake too? That was I mean that's but I told Max, I was like, that was the one thing that I decided I was going to do because it's so magical and I didn't want to rob you of that experience. I agree, it's very great.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

It's so special.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

It's so special, and then we still lie to Ashton, but I'm so careful with my words, I really try not to even lie, I just say very little. Yeah, and uh but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:02

Do you feel like the boys try to keep the Santa secret alive for Ashton? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the cute.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

They're super cute, yeah. So cute. Even like when for when Brooks first he was like beating around and eventually I was like, he knows. And he asked me, he was not very old, maybe nine. What? Yeah. You're a horrible mother. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. Two would be determined, so we'll see. But he's like, he's like, is Santa real? And I was like, I looked at him and I was like, he wants a real answer. But I said, Do you really want me to tell you the truth? And he said yes, and I said no, and he said, I knew it. And I was like, But you have to keep this a secret from your brothers, and he was like, Yes, no problem. And so he actually like loved this little, yeah. But then he got that responsibility of being like helping, and he loved it, like he stepped up to it. He would like hide the elf and do all the things. And like he like, like, yeah. But anyway, I yes, I just I've told them. Like if you want answers, I will give you the answer if you are ready for it.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

Did I ever tell you the story when my brother found Santa's boots in our basement? I told you the story? Oh my god, I love it. And I think it's like I think it's like such a telling story as to how children, I think if you're good parents, view like our parents and like what what kind of like power and love we like have possess in their eyes. And so my dad was Santa at elementary school. Oh. Every year, from when my sister was in kindergarten, my older sister, until my younger brother left sixth grade. So elementary school, every single year, he was Santa Boss. You know, he'd come and dressed up for Santa and everyone would sit on his lap. I've never seen your dad. Does he make a good Santa? He looks like Santa right now. He does. We challenge him to grow a beard and now it will not go away. He looks like a Santa bum. To post like a picture of my dad at this point. Yeah, right. Um so my brother, we were not really allowed to go in the basement at our house growing up because it was like an old farmhouse and it was like the concrete was like, you know, dredged out so the water could go through the you know, the flood out to the basement. Oh wow. And it was kind of dangerous to go down there, so we were not allowed down there. And I guess my brother thought he dropped a G.I. Joe through, I don't know how they would end up in the basement. Who knows? For some reason he was in the basement. My mom said she comes home, and my brother is like, she was like, I could tell he was like distraught that something had happened. And she's like, What's wrong? And it was Santa was just at school that day. She's like, What's wrong? I was like, Well, no, no, no, it's from the basement, I'm really sorry. But I was in the basement and Santa's boots are in the basement. How even recognize that? Who like such a weird perception, right? Or like like perceptive like manner in a child. And my mom's like, she's like, I didn't know what to say. I was waiting for him to like talk again. And she's like, and then he says, Mom, I think dad is Santa. Like, not like, is Santa real? Does dad dress up as Santa at school? Like, for real, thought my dad was like a one and only Santa.

SPEAKER_00 24:03

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Because you guys knew though at school that it was your dad, right? I didn't know until sixth grade. Are you kidding me? I mean, I knew Santa wasn't real, but I never knew it was my dad. Seriously? Until sixth grade. And I was like once ago, I was like, dad.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

I had no idea. That is shocking. I can't imagine, like, no, he's good.

SPEAKER_03 24:23

He's a good actor.

SPEAKER_02 24:27

I didn't think I was in sixth grade. I remember being in, I think Miss Kearney, Miss what was her name? Miss Kearney, I think. It's classroom and walking up and being like, It's barely an every year.

SPEAKER_03 24:39

I had no idea.

SPEAKER_02 24:40

Oh my gosh, I'm so shocked. But yeah, they told my mom, I think dad is Santa. And my mom's like, I didn't know what to do. Because what do I, what do you tell him Santa's not real? Or she's like, I just froze and blanked and was like, you're right, he is. So my brother thought my dad was like the one and only Santa Claus until he like, you know, didn't believe anymore.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

But it was like that.

SPEAKER_03 25:02

It's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 25:03

That is so funny.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

But I think about that a lot, like the how as a parent, like the fact that your kids think that you possess that much power and that much like magic spirit is like crazy.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

That is crazy. Yeah, that's I mean it's yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

I remember I cried when I found that you couldn't sit on clouds like Mary Poppins. Seriously. Devastated. Like all I wanted to do was get the ladder high enough to sit on the cloud. Were you like 23?

SPEAKER_03 25:28

Last year, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

I feel like I'm still figuring out how to get those. If you take enough mushrooms, I still like that.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

I need my own cloud to sit on. Wait, how old are you really?

unknown 25:45

I mean, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

Young enough that it wasn't weird.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

As we did you grow up. I'd like to believe young enough that it wasn't weird, but I really wanted to sit on the cloud. Like I'd love that movie.

SPEAKER_02 26:00

That's so funny. That never even like occurred to me. I mean, Ilya's gonna Ilya. I don't know if Ilya quite believes yet. Jackmo was telling me last year. He's like, Ilya won't next year, by next year Ilya won't believe anymore. And then he's like, instead of Christmas, can we just go travel somewhere?

SPEAKER_00 26:14

Oh he did.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

And I was like, yes, please.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Such a you know, a big thing. But it's also like kind of it's like both, right? It's like kind of sad to because it's so magical and like how I mean, you know, the mornings they wake you up at like 5 30 in the morning and you're like so so tired you can't even see, but they're so excited.

SPEAKER_02 26:31

So excited. Well, I've learned this trick from my parents because they would you know be up till two or three o'clock in the morning putting the gifts out. We used to drink wine and wake up with like a hangover. Oh my gosh. Well, my trick is the kids can only wake us up after they've opened their stockings and they do it together and they do it alone, and it's like a really cute thing. And I take the shit out of those gifts. Oh, so it's like double wrapped extra smart.

SPEAKER_03 26:57

It took so long for them to get the gifts out. That's a good idea. Shove those stockings, like stuffed sausages. Yeah, as soon as like another hour.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

That's a smart as soon as Brooks was like old enough to tell time, or like you are not allowed to wake us up until 7 a.m. Seven? Oh, minus five. Oh no way. Oh my god, you poor thing. You do better with those sleep than I do, though. Yeah. I can't feel like I'm running on fumes right now. Oh my god, I know I feel like that too. Even when my mother-in-law used to live with us, I would be like, okay, you can wake us up at 7, but we have to have our coffee, so you don't get to open anything until 7 30. But I'm like, really, if that's your biggest obstacle in life, like you're doing alright.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

I love Christmas. It is I know I will I will miss when they don't really believe anymore.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

I mean Ashton's like our yeah, it's our last one. Like Alex knows what it does, but you never told Jogmo, he just was like, he asked me.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

I think he was on the kind of cusp one year and he asked. And I was like, Jogmo, I said, you know, and I just told him, like, Santa's like the spirit of Christmas, it's about giving and love and you know, that story. Yeah. And he's like, okay, and then next year he's like, Mom. And I was like, no, but still, it's like my answer is the same. That's what Santa is. It has nothing to do with like the actual man that brings the gifts, like that's just what it is. And luckily he made your answer all magical.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

I'm like, nope.

unknown 28:25

Nope.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

I'm him. I'm gonna be all credit. I've been slaving a relationship for years.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

But it's it's funny how I think some things like do resonate with the kids because I did I heard Ilya asking Giacomo. Like, I was oh, I think a bunch of like Amazon boxes came or something, and I was like, you guys don't come in. I'm putting that like putting my room, it's some Christmas presents because I know like I give some, Santa has some. This Amazon thing is ruined all. Oh, I know. I've run out of written places, and I I was bringing and I heard because you know Ilya's room has that like opening at the top, and I heard her saying, like, Giacomo, is Santa really real? And I swear, like verbatim, he repeated, like the same thing to her. Like, well, Ilya, you know, if you don't, if you don't believe in the magic of Christmas, like it sounded like the Polar Express book was being read to her.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

Like, if you don't believe in the spirit of Christmas, then the gifts, you know, they they don't they come from the magic of Santa, and you have to believe.

SPEAKER_03 29:28

And like this whole thing, I was like, Oh, which I had that on video, it was like the sweetest thing ever.

SPEAKER_00 29:32

It's super sweet. So I guess he was listening. I mean, he really believes that too. Yeah, I mean there's there's a truth in that too. That's what I was trying to explain too. It's like even though it's not true, like I still believe in magic. Like there's still so much that we can't see, and there's like amazing things that yeah, so I didn't want to lose like that magical part of it.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

How we know that Santa subject. Oh, because we're talking about I don't know what being honest with our children. Oh yeah, that's the hardest lie. Yeah. I try, I guess I try to like give the most honest answer that I feel like is like appropriate for that age. Yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 30:05

But they I think they know more than than we think.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

I was like, I have had it. I was like, this rap music, like, I've had it. I don't care. Oh, Chrysless, the kids listen to rap music. I said, that's fine. I said, but there's some rap music that is just so inappropriate, Doc. Totally. I was like, and your sister is in the car, and I'm your mother. Right. I said it's sometimes it comes down to just being respectful to women. I'm not gonna let you listen to a song where they're talking about fucking bitches and beating chicks, like I'm sorry. Right. And he's like, oh, whatever. So now we're doing this challenge where his playlist, we're listening to every song on his playlist and seeing which ones are inappropriate and which ones are appropriate. I think he's up, it's maybe like 15 to 13. He's winning, but not by much. Not by much. Because we got out of the car the other day and his song was playing, and I was like, Giacomo! And he's like, What? And then Iliot just nonchalant opens the door, she's like, Yeah, he was just saying right in that dick.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

I was like, Oh my god, I know, right? Like she hears it. Oh, of course. Like, I'll hear Ashton singing along to these songs, and I'm like so mortified.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

That's what that's what sparked this. I was like, your sister clearly is listening to this and hearing it, and I don't, yeah, I don't need this in my car.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

That's a tough one for me because Chris loves rap, and he's the one who, I mean, it's really fueled by him, and so it was one that I decided to kind of just let go of and not control. And but I mean you said like age appropriate, like Ashton was like, I think five years old, and he gets out of the car and he's like, Come on, what's pussy? And I'm like, I told him I said a really raunchy word for a vagina. And it is like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:35

You know that that though that the word pussy when you call someone a pussy, if you're like, oh, you're a wimp or whatever, it actually comes, it's like this. I might have to look it up. It's this long word.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

If I'm seriously, and it's like a technical real term.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

I looked at the chocolate the other day.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

It's probably a thing in my so it's technically not like a raunchy word, it's actually a real word.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

Oh, here in my chat. GPT, pussy entomology explained.

SPEAKER_03 31:59

Chat GPT is probably like this is some bipolar chick that asked me some weird questions.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

No, for sure. Yeah, it comes from the word pusillenium miss. It's got like 15 letters in it, so who knows. It means, and that word means lacking courage, resolution, and timid. No way. Yes. Over time, it was shortened to the slang pussy, which then got mixed up with an unrelated slang pussy for genitalia.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Wow. So I should have actually said it means pussy liminous slang. Yeah, but I didn't know that word. Well, let's say how did you pronounce this? Seriously, how do you pronounce that? Nobody also, if you actually said that word, nobody would know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 32:44

So Jeff was like, oh, does that mean I can say it in school now?

SPEAKER_00 32:47

I said, absolutely does not. Oh my god, no way.

SPEAKER_02 32:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

So that would make a very interesting like paper to turn in.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

Yeah, exactly. How do you pronounce it? Okay, here. Pussillanimus. Pussilinimus. Pussillanimus. You're such a pusilanimus. Pussilinimus.

SPEAKER_03 33:10

Are you kidding me? That's a real word. That's the title of this podcast. Don't tell our kids it's okay to say pussy. Especially if it's on my five years old. Well, he's seven now, but I've talked about very excited about the idea of maybe being able to say pussy in school. I'm like, no, buddy. Definitely don't do that.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

That's this that's crazy. Who knew I had another word, another meaning?

SPEAKER_03 33:32

How I knew that and knew to look goes in in line with me using the word dictation.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

A hundred percent. Oh my god, you have some random shit stored up in that brain. I know.

SPEAKER_03 33:43

That's insane. I know, that's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

I mean, I'm sure a lot of people think I'm too honest, and there's probably a level of maybe different that said I could scale back, but but I'm like, I'm also like, your brothers are listening. I'm not gonna lie to you in front of them. Like it's in the freaking song. Like, should they have been listening to the song? No. Yeah, did they anyway? Yes. So here we are, you know?

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

It's like actually the one thing Chris. See, see, we have different things, right? Different, I'm like a stickler on certain things. Chris is a stickler, very different things. So I don't know if it was Giacomo, but I feel like maybe it was. But Brooks had two friends over, and Chris decided to let them watch Strays, thinking it's an animated dog movie. How bad can it be, right? And holy shit, I still haven't watched it, but those anyway. It's awful. Oh my gosh. Rated R? Oh yeah, rated R, like like the guys jacking off in one of the scenes. Like the guy or the animal? The guy. But they they say F-bombs, they say I don't even know.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

Did they watch the whole movie? They finish it.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Chris watched it with them, thankfully, because he's like a one part I had to fast forward, and he has very low t I mean very high tolerance for these things, right? Like I tolerance low standards. I wouldn't turn that shit off. He just was like, okay, I can fast forward, but he said he was uncomfortable during some parts. And then and then I'm like, you have to tell the parents. He actually did reach out and ask beforehand because I was like, You have to ask the parents, it's right now. Yeah.

unknown 35:03

But no way.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

So then they but came to pick up, I don't know who it was. Is it George? I don't even know. And so he's like, so about that movie, like totally sh totally inappropriate. Maddox watched it too. It was like two years ago.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Oh my god. I but accidentally when Giacomo was young, I mean maybe he was like eight or something. That movie Love Actually, Christmas movie. We were in our old apartment, and it's Christmas time. We're like, I'm like, okay, I've watched Home Alone 47 times already. Like, maybe let's switch it up. Yeah. And I was like, oh, look at that movie Love Actually. I think that was a cute Christmas movie. So I put it on. I leave the room. I think I went to like run downstairs and get packages or something. I come back up, and Jacqueline was like, Mom, the boy was doing the weirdest thing to the girl in the movie. And I'm like, what is he? What is it? What is he talking about? So I rewind it. I forgot they add they're like porn stand-ins. The two characters. Do you remember that? In that movie? I forget that they're not. So they have. I don't know if they're naked, she might be topless. And he's behind her, simulating sex holding her boobs.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

No.

SPEAKER_02 36:08

Yes. Oh god. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm the worst mom ever.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

No, you're not the worst. Actually, we just Ashton was watching, asking to watch Titanic recently because somebody has somebody has great. And we watched it too. Well, we are such bad parents because we were fighting the day before, and so we decided to have like a date night at home. And so I said to Chris, I was like, Isn't there a sex scene? And he's like, No, I think it's just like he sketches her nudes. Yeah. That's it. Well, anyway, we're in our room. Is it sex scene? He comes. He comes downstairs and literally Maddox is in the other room. Ashton's Ashton, our seven-year-old's on the couch with it on without a parent. And Chris was like, Oh shit. There is just the sex scene. Yeah. He walked down when the sex scene was happening. Yeah. Oh my adjuston over, but anyway, so actually, I think Chris said to Maddox, Did they did the movie just get inappropriate? Maddox goes, yeah, very.

SPEAKER_02 37:00

But you know what's interesting is I think remember that like old comedian Lenny Bruce? He would talk about this in his like comedy. It was a lot of like like political comedy kind of is what he would do. And and did you ever watch that show Marvelist Mrs. Measle? It was that's actually it's good show us on Amazon and they like portray his character. But in his I just remember that him talking about this, and it's interesting because it's like, well, let the kids watch a movie where someone's getting like shot in the head. Right. But when it comes to sex, we're like, oh no. And even something like Titanic, where it's like a loving sex scene. Fair. It's not like it's you know, anyone's getting like double teamed or something. Like it's not inappropriate like that. That's fair. And we're like, wait, we don't want our children to see this, but we'll let them watch movies with tons of gun violence, stabbing. Yeah. I mean, that's okay. But like, so what is it? Like, why is that something that's become so taboo? Especially this idea of like, you know, like we were talking about earlier today, like the difference between like making love or some zip, you know, more active, interesting stuff.

SPEAKER_00 38:11

Fair, that's actually fair. That's a good point. I think, yeah, that's why I think it's just uncomfortable, probably more than anything, right? Yeah, maybe. I mean, I'm very anti-violence in general, so I would steer away from that also in my house for sure. But like, I don't know. But also, a lot of the sex scenes are not like you're right, Titanic is actually at least a loving, yeah, loving sex scene.

SPEAKER_02 38:32

Whereas like you see your boobs, there's boobs in it. There are boobs, boobs. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's funny because I catch myself doing the same thing. Like, I'll be on common sense media and looking up a movie that Jacqueline says he wants to watch, you know. They have like sex, whatever, like role models. Yeah, and I'm always like, Oh, let's join. No, there's a lot of sex in it. No, you're not going to. And I'm like, okay, but there's a difference. Like if you're watching a movie where they're like being raunchy and talking about sex, that's one thing. Because I don't want your kids, our kids think that's how you talk about it or how you refer to it. Right. But if it it is, I think it's just uncomfortable. You're like, oh my god, my kid's sitting here watching.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

Totally. Even we were watching like bad boys or whatever, and she's got like lingerie on and it's like on the phone or like a pewter or something, and we're like, oh my god, it's just uncomforta it's just uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. But but it's a good it that's an interesting thought because I try to sh not I like don't shy away from the nudity because I don't want it to be like embarrassed about your body, right? It's like you don't want to be around me naked that don't come in my bathroom, right? Yeah, I'm not gonna hide myself, but that's an interesting point. I yeah, I can see that. And it's not porn, it's different, but some of the movies maybe not. So I think that's also it to know what you're watching. I agree.

SPEAKER_02 39:43

But I've always wondered like, how did we get so accepting of this idea of it's true?

SPEAKER_04 39:48

Violence is okay.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

Yeah, I think that's an American thing, don't you think? I feel like that's probably not as European.

SPEAKER_04 39:55

I I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

You know, but it does get sometimes I watch these movies with the kids. I'm like, really?

SPEAKER_04 40:01

Does it need to be that graphic?

SPEAKER_02 40:03

Like violence or something? Yeah, and then I'm like, are we just de like, are they are we meant to be desensitized?

SPEAKER_00 40:09

Like, is there a yeah maybe purpose behind this? I don't know, that's an interesting point. I mean I hate all the violence, I think it desensitizes us, and I think that raising boys would you know there's so much like all of the gun tragedies are all boys. It's never a girl I've ever heard of, right? So I really try to steer away from it, but but yeah, that's interesting. So the moral is let your kids watch sex with maybe you know, preview the movies before you let your kids watch and then I do like that Compensed Media app though. Oh great, it's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 40:43

I think every time we break it out, Tom was like, ah geez. I know, right? Seriously, but at least you know what it is.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Right? It's like language to me anymore, is like not I don't really care about language so much. No, I don't know. But like violence I care about for sure, and I guess sex scenes I would steer away from, but to re- I don't know, to rethink that. Maybe some. Maybe with Chris. I do all the talking. Maybe that's his job. Alright, I think there's a school pickup. I think we're running out of time. Yes. Oh my gosh, yes.

SPEAKER_02 41:14

I have to get done in.

SPEAKER_00 41:15

Yes, yes. Okay, so bye. Bye. Thank you so much for hanging out with us today. We're really glad you're here. You can follow the podcast on Apple and Spotify, and we're on social at Don't Tell the Kids with a bunch of underscores. Hang in there, mamas. See you next week.