Don't tell the kids... our brains never shut off

If you've ever stood in the kitchen mentally running tomorrow's lunches, three carpools, and what's defrosting for dinner while your husband walks in and asks what you're thinking about... this one's for you.

Siobhan and Mel get into the invisible mental load women carry and how differently our brains work from the men in our lives. It started because some guy on Instagram told one of our besties to "stop complaining" — and well, we had thoughts. We talk about why women verbally process, the difference between needing advice and just needing to be heard, and why "assume positive intent" has changed how Mel moves through the world (mostly — Miami traffic is its own thing). We get into mother's intuition, the science behind gut feelings, and why, somehow, raising kids became "less than" having a career.

It's messy and all over the place, as usual. Basically, a permission slip to stop apologizing for everything our brains and bodies are doing behind the scenes.

Pour the coffee. You're not alone in any of it. 💛

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Need a break from your endless to-do list? Welcome to Don't Tell the Kids. We're two busy moms sharing the real, messy, funny conversations about life and motherhood. I'm Mel, mom of three, wellness nerd, an entrepreneur, figuring it out as I go.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

And I'm Siobhan, single mom of two, usually barefoot, and always saying yes to life. No advice, just honest conversations on and off the mic. So grab your coffee, hide out in your car, and don't tell the kids.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Okay, we are not here to talk about my big head, actually. This is a side note. Oh, we're recording already? Yeah, we're recording already. Sorry, hi guys. Alright, so funny enough, this morning I got up and I was doing my automatic writing. Yeah. And so, um, and I was like, oh, I should ask. This sounds really stupid, but it's very me. I should ask God, but we should talk about the podcast today. And then I was like, well, that's kind of stupid. Did you write that down or you thought that in your head? I thought it in my head. I didn't write it down because I was like, oh, we probably have more important things with God. Anyway, and so funny though, I get a text message from Melissa. From God. The inspired mama. From God. From God. Yes. Through Melissa. And she left me, left me a random podcast or random um audio message this morning. She's being fueled about that. I know what you're gonna say, but saying, I have an idea for your podcast and what you guys should talk about. And so I was like, oh, perfect. And so we'll bring her on another time because she wants to talk about it with us. Yeah, I think we should. Yes, which would be super fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

But she's also like a podcast like veteran, so she's good. She knows what she's doing. Yeah, she'll hate us.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

She'll be like, what? This is your setup. This is your start. Like, we don't even ever know what we're talking about. Like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

But yeah, yeah, we need one of those, like, welcome everyone. Welcome to Probably. Don't tell the kids. Episode 41. Are you ready? Yes, we're all hot mess as usual.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

My head's too big compared to yours. Every single one we start, we're like talking about something that has nothing to do with anything. It's real. That's what it is. So go ahead. Very true. Alright, so I guess let's tell everybody what it is. Okay, so essentially, she's a little bit fired up because a man made a comment about like not complaining, about like like men just like suck it up and do what they have to do.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Have they ever been with a man when they have a cold? Oh my god, oh god, they're dying, right? Yes, that's totally true. There's an Instagram post where the man posted the wife having a baby, and he's like, I'm so happy my wife now knows what it feels like when I have a cold.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

And she's like in labor. Seriously. I think that yeah, there's a reason women are and not men, that's damn sure. But essentially, what Melissa was saying, and I I mean, okay, this might be one-sided, but this is really a women's podcast anyway. So men turn it off. Go away. If you're a hater, don't listen. Or, you know, listen, and we'll listen to your feedback and then make fun of you on the next podcast. But but how women's minds are like constantly moving, especially when you have kids and you're you're like trying to figure out like what time do you have to get the kids up, what time do you have to be whatever, what do they have after school, what are you feeding for breakfast, what are you feeding them for dinner? Do you have groceries? Do you have whatever? Like all this shit that goes through our head, right? And so I think that women, and actually, this would verbalissa would be interesting, and she's like, there's actually science to this, but like how we have to verbally process things, like that's how like we let go, like that's how we like work through stuff, right? We verbally process, which I've encountered so many times with Chris because I'm like, say something, and he's like, Yep, and he moves on, and I'm like, but I'm just getting tired, I still have like an hour to figure this out, and so and he's not he's he's over, which is why we need girlfriend, yeah. But anyway, the whole point is like how women juggle so many things in this modern day life, and how men's brains are just different, they're just wired differently.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Yeah, and it's not to say they're not juggling things, clearly, and no matter what the you know, the work-life structure is in a home, if it's stay-at-home mom and the husband works, or they both work, or whatever, like yes, they're thinking about other things also, but they just think about it in a completely different way, and most of the time, not saying all the time, most of the time, the juggling of the family life, yes, and the kids' lives, and the feeding of the children, and the transporting of the children, and the activities of the children, and the schoolwork of the children, yes, not to mention our own lives that fall by the wayside most of the time, which isn't great, that usually falls on us, yeah. And you know, I know we've talked about this before, but sometimes I think that's the way it's supposed to be. Like those are our jobs as like a mom, and it you're we're more nurturing, and that's like in our makeup, but now that we're also expected to be working, right, and whether you're creating or you're going to a real job and you're still doing all the other stuff, also.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

Yeah, I think that is the truth. I think that's what's um well, I think there's like so many different ways we can take this conversation, right? Because there is that part of it, and then there's also some part of just men's brains are just wired differently for the most part. And I don't know, I'm sure there's a stay-at-home mom dads that like do all this stuff and probably think through all this stuff too, and it'd actually be really interesting to have a conversation with a stay-at-home dad. Yeah, right, and know how they do it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Because I wonder, like, do they have all this the same whatever, or is it just like I feel like it's it the is it the responsibility load that's making us do that? Yeah, or is it because our brains are wired differently? Exactly, which is interesting, right? And we might need some like outside feedback. Caller one, we're ready for your feedback. Oh, there's no one online. There's no one. I mean, I get Melissa's like side of it because you know, her entire work life is focused on like empowering women and helping women work through this and getting like to your state of play and being you know the best mom and woman and version of yourself you can be. So the fact that she's like downloading and you know, she's out there, she's in social media, fine, you're gonna get people that criticize you constantly. That's like what you signed up for. Totally. Um, but you know, I know she's got a kid home at six, she's about to travel next week. She was just on huge podcasts, like she's got a lot going on, and for her to just be like, oh my god, I got this and this and this, and then the man be like, Stop complaining, suck it up, ladies. Like, I know sucking it up, but we can all even talk about it. Totally. You're not even allowed to express that maybe you're feeling stressed, or you wish you had a little more help, or you wish it was a less crazy week, or you wish your kid wasn't sick. Like, right? That's okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

And actually, it's the per he this man obviously had a perception that she was bitching. Where I feel like when we talk about this stuff, it's not we're bitching. Like, I feel like we have a very solid, like core group of friendships where we're supportive and we allow us to just process, right? So to me, it's like you're processing, you have a lot of stuff going on, you're gonna get it all done. Yeah, no doubt in my mind, like you have all your shit, the ducks are in the air, you're going to figure it all out, and you just need to take a breath and be like, this is hard. Yeah, and that's and she wasn't asking anyone to fix it for her. No, no, no, she's talking. She was gonna have to do it.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

This is interesting. I I I was reading something a while back, and I do it a lot now, and I and I the kids like actually respond to it really well, and I almost think it would work with a partner too, but I don't like particularly have a partner, so I've never tried it, but it might.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

That like if the kids are if there's something you know happening at school or sports or with a friend or whatever, like think about it. Sometimes you actually want advice from somebody, and sometimes you just want to be heard. Most of the time, I think we want to be heard. And I've asked the kids before, like, do you want I've asked Joaquin, like, do you want advice, or do you just want me to like hear you out here? And sometimes we'll be like, actually, yeah, like I want some advice. Or he'll be like, No, all right, yeah, just want to talk and say it out loud, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 7:56

And I think we need to do that, we need to be able to talk things out. And I think really sometimes people might be looking for a different perspective, or we can ask interesting questions to help the person figure out what they actually want. But like, my kids sometimes will be like they want me to make the decision for them, but I'm like, you don't actually want me to make the decision for you because I'll tell you then what to do, and you're like, no. They're like, we do that, like right. Like, I think as humans, I think we almost need to figure it out our own. Of course, right? But we want to know we're supported and not alone in it, yeah. And understood and seen and hurt, you know, and it's also okay to make the wrong decision. 100%. And then you learn that way too. Totally, yeah. So true. I remember my uncle who um who is gay and has married and literally like hid his life from us, like from the entire family for like literally forever, because uh my grandmother was very judgmental. Anyway, he called me and he was asking, like, he was like actually telling me about how I think it was actually trying to figure out if his husband was gonna go to his mom's funeral. Yeah, and so that's exactly what I said to him. It's like, are you calling me for advice? Are you just calling me to like talk this through? Yeah, you know, because I think it's a very different thing, and I think that we often confuse them, and people I know like Chris, like like often like he'll talk about things and I will say something and he gets snappy, and I'm like, oh, that's because you don't want me to fix it. Like, my bad. And so I don't always remember to ask, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:23

I was saying earlier, it's like Michael literally asked me for my opinion, then I gave it to him, and he was like, I don't know why I asked you, you know what you're talking about anyway.

SPEAKER_03 9:30

I'm like, then why did you?

SPEAKER_01 9:31

It must be a very good way. He was even talking, he literally said, How do you think it went?

SPEAKER_02 9:34

Like, oh my god, which is pretty straightforward, right? Even that, it's like, okay. Like, no, you really didn't want to know. No, which is the self-awareness part. Sometimes I will even be like, Okay, I'm not fishing for compliments. I actually want to know, or I am fishing for compliments.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Just tell me how beautiful I am. Just dying really good. I'm dying inside.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Yeah, but yeah, I don't know. There's so many, so many parts to this, and I do think there is something really interesting about the brain chemistry being different and honoring that and not expecting both sexes to show up in the same way or to like make one of them wrong.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Yeah. Right? But it's funny, like we were talking about before in that funny Instagram video that's like the man and the husband walking through. I don't know if anyone's seen this, but it's you know, it's on the flip side of us being the ones that are like the kids and this and the feeding and the chopping and the going on and on, and our brains are constantly going about this, versus there's a funny Instagram video of a man and a wife walking through the airport, and they like zoom in on the husband, and it's like his internal dialogue of like, right, the exit's here, that guy looks a little creepy. Hang on, where's our gate? Oh, it's here, you know, ten minutes later, we do the kids of time in the bathroom, and they're and then they zoom in on the woman and it's like she's just like walking with her bag, and I'm like, Oh, I need to buy water.

SPEAKER_02 10:54

Yeah, no, I have to pee. We're thirsty. Actually, Chris and I started talking about that because we went to this event the other day and we're in the parking lot, and like some guy was being whatever, and so Chris said, like, oh, I'm gonna like I could I could take him. He's like, Oh, I like we're talking about how he's like the sky's bigger, but Chris could take him. I'm like, you guys is men's brains are like so funny, right? Like, never am I like sizing up a woman, like, oh, I can pull like your musical hair, right? Like, it's like in their DNA to be protective, I think, and to like, I don't even know, like, I don't know what you call that.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

I know, but think about it, that's probably what's going through their brains. Yeah, true, is more of maybe that like protective hunter mentality. What are they thinking about? Yeah, or is it just silent in there for a really long time until they wonder if they could beat the man up or not?

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Would you love to hear inside? Yeah, but I guarantee it's not silent because we all have this monkey mind that's like insane. I think you know, I can only speak to like the man I know best, but I think I'll be sitting there in the car being like, Oh, he's mad at me, or I look really ugly or something is so stupid. And then forever later he'll talk about like work, and I'm like, Oh my god, he's been thinking about work this whole time, you know. Like, I think that that's actually mad at me. Seriously, and so many times I'm like, yeah, just so different. But I think that there's like honoring each other's positions is so powerful, and not expecting us all to be the same, and like the man who was, you know, yeah saying that we have to talk to Melissa off a cliff and be like, that guy probably doesn't like his wife.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Fair. His wife maybe is a complainer and doesn't single, yeah. So that he's not married, he's taking it out on Melissa. First of all, it's funny that he's even following the Be Inspired Mama page to even comment on Instagram. Literally, it's called Be Inspired Mama, and it's her talking to women essentially 100%, mostly moms, but like generals like yeah, how we fill ourselves up in like small points, small uh information. Let's get to the bottom of this. Why is this guy following her? Is it because she has cute feet and is he mad that she has cute feet? This is true, that she's actually had like a raw moment and wasn't just her beautiful, smiley, blonde self, totally.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

I was like, ugh. What is actually with the people who go on social just to like be angry and nasty? Like, I don't understand.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

I don't know. I think it's the same science behind like road rage. You know, they've like there's like studies that they show that it's because you can't when people get road rage, it's like because they're not identifying with the human inside of the car. Yeah. So you're driving, you can't see someone, you don't know if maybe this person cut you off and didn't see you and didn't, you know, maybe they were like, oh sorry, but you didn't see them, right? So you get angry because you think the person's being mean to you on purpose. So it's more about that. Somebody's like just trying to. Why? Have you seen there's an Instagram account, this woman that goes through and will like go through these comments, and you know, it's like famous women who are absolutely beautiful, and and you know, there's whether it's let's say it's Scarlett Johansson or something, and these men being like, Oh, she's not as hot as she used to be, or this woman that all these horrible comments, and then she posts the comment and then a zoomed-in picture like of the man, and you're like, Really, buddy? Really? Look like you live under a rock. You're like, okay, Bill and Bob, when's the last time you worked out? But it's so interesting. So you're like, would you ever say that out loud to somebody?

SPEAKER_02 14:29

And why is that people's whoever wants to put that in the universe? I know that's what I feel. And like it's like people are straight up hateful behind these social media handles, but it's like, why? What is it going on in your life that you really are like that angry at someone you don't even know?

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Do you feel like on your on your account that it's 50-50, or is it more positive, neutral? I haven't had that many hands. Or is it just everyone being like, show me your feet?

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Like, no, you get that. I went through a solid show me your feet phase. It's passed apparently. I lost all my feet. I don't I don't know how to take good feet porn. I don't, I really, I tried. I'm sorry, I failed at it. I think there must be like a class of like how to make your feet sexy, and I didn't take it. Um, so no, that was like a that was really funny actually for like a minute. But um, no, I've had some like haters for sure, but for the most part not. I mean, but yeah, like somebody actually wrote like, You're way too skinny, and I don't trust you.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

You're like, do you know how hard I worked to get my butt and to not be skinny?

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Don't make it mean to me. I've always been skinny, so sorry, like that's genetically you hating on me. And yeah, I I've literally worked really hard to get a butt, so like that's not that's I'm trying to appease you, buddy. Right? And it was a woman, yeah, it was a woman, yeah. And you're always like, how do you not trust me because I'm skinny? Like, I don't know, maybe because I'm like offering health advice, but I'm not even like it's not like health advice, like real health advice, it's like live your best life. It's like yeah, but I haven't had too many, but there it's always interesting because I was saying about other people sometimes, and I was like, gosh, people just love to like pick fights and argue behind this facade, you know, you don't know who they are.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

No, I think a lot of it is not real people, you know, and then I wonder like what is this weird thought situation happening, and why is it negative most of the time?

SPEAKER_02 16:25

That's a lot of that. I think it's real people. I think there's really angry, miserable people who don't know where to direct their hatred.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

I totally agree. And I think that you know, my kids always laugh at me in the the car, and maybe this is like a man-woman thing, too. You know, Chris saying I can take that guy. Or like my kids being like, oh, and daddy's in the car and he gets mad and he bites his tongue, and you know he's you know he's good job for biting his tongue, good job. And then he, you know, broke his phone on the car steering wheel once I think a lot of tongue biting and smashing of things when he's in the car. And and I always tell the kids, I'm and I tell him, I said, I always assume positive intent when I'm in the car, especially in Miami. I don't know how many of you guys live in Miami. We live in Miami, and it is like next level driving, like grand theft auto came to life. It's wild.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

One of those lovely employees that works for Chris who has for years, she's lovely and she's Indian, and she said Miami is actually worse driving than India. So maybe that puts it in two perspective.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

It doesn't, it doesn't surprise me. I haven't been to India. You know, I think there's so many people from so many different countries here that all learn to drive in different places, and that's what I chalk it up to.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

All that, and there's a very much an entitlement to people in Miami. I mean, that's a general general statement, but there's people who are like, I like honestly, you see it, but every no one has blinkers.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

I mean, it wasn't not using them, or the fact that no one does nobody has blinkers. No, and god forbid you take too long, like people will drive around you to turn it off.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Right? And it's like, okay, okay, like it's actually parts of me. That's my dog. I'm gonna have to and then what are you sparking at?

SPEAKER_01 18:02

She's sparking at my dog.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Um, yes, my husband's about to murder her, so I don't like okay, let's let them.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

But the the idea of assuming positive intent, I feel like, has then transferred into just life in general. And I always tell the kids because they're like, Where'd that person go? I'm like, you guys, who knows? And I make up all these stories in my head that I tell them that I say, Maybe their kid is sick in the hospital and they're rushing there because they got a phone call from school and they really need to get there, or maybe they're late for work and it's their last day that they can be late, or they say they're gonna be fired, and they take care of their mom and dad at home and they need their paycheck, or they and they're like, Come on, mom, seriously. But are you telling me every day you're able to keep them? I just don't care. I also don't care if I'm late. So I think it all ties into one another where I I'm just one of those people perpetually late. Apparently, I'm gonna live longer. That's what the studies show. If you're always late, you don't care, you're gonna live longer.

SPEAKER_02 18:57

Seriously, oh my god. Did you did you chat to be cheat that to your benefit?

SPEAKER_01 19:01

I wrote it myself.

unknown 19:03

I wrote that.

SPEAKER_02 19:03

It was a study of mine, and it's yeah, it's improvement. Yeah, I mean, I love that concept, and I think like I fully believe it in my heart. I know you do. But when I'm behind the wheel, uh that goes right over. Really? Oh yeah, I get angry too. Yes, I've been known to honk at people, and Brooks was flicking someone off earlier today in the car.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

I mean, I said, like, God, what an asshole, and then he fell off. I use ding dong a lot. I'll tell my kids, ding dong do it. It's just like a funny, I don't know. I always think like, if I'm speeding or if I'm really rushing, how many minutes early am I gonna be? It's just one, two, does it matter? Yeah. Either I'm late anyway, or maybe I'll be a minute late. Who cares? That's fair. 100%. It's also logical.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Just that when you're actually on the road and you're like, and you're like getting like, I don't even know. You're behind someone who's like just says no. I honestly can't even think an example. Actually, no, we here's an example. You're driving on a street and it's during traffic, and there's two lanes going south, and someone just license plate is 9407. Okay, so and someone just pulls over in the middle of a lane and stops their car. This happens in Miami all the time, actually now. And I'm like, you can't stop there, like pull over. Like to me, that's like the entitlement. Like, you oh, sorry, you had to pick somebody up or whatever, and you just get to drop off all of traffic. No, and I'm like, it's the entitlement that's like, oh my gosh, you have no consideration for all the other people on the road, but getting angry about it doesn't change it. So I love your mentality. I just how do you actually put that into place?

SPEAKER_01 20:43

I don't know. It just I will say when the kids were younger, and I feel like it was when like texting while driving is like rampant, um, especially yeah, and I mean you see people going down 95 like 80 miles per hour while texting. You're like, first of all, how are you even doing honestly? Physically, how it takes every ounce of my energy to drive straight like this don't swerve. This guy's like smoking a cigarette, text, and reading the newspaper at the same time. Like, how? Honestly, and like do not buy your life. No. And I and I was in the car, you may have already heard the story because it's just hilarious. Clearly, I must have said this out loud, and this was when the kids were little, and I would get frustrated when people would be texting and driving while I have my little kids in the car. Yes, so in car seats or in the back, and I remember driving north on Route One, we were like near Sunny Isles or somewhere up that way, and this girl was texting while driving. And I'm driving the car, and she kept almost like swerving into us. And in my head, I was like, All right, don't yell at this lady. So, like, keep it cool, it's okay. And we end up at a red light next to her. Illy was little, she was maybe like three, maybe four. And I roll my window down and I Roll the back windows down and I tell the lady, like, roll your window down. She's like, What? And I just was like, All right, I'm gonna like. And I said to her, I said, you know, when you murder somebody's children, that text message isn't gonna be so important. And the windows were back, so she was getting kids in the car. Ilya, in her cute little tight baby voice, and she's a little like a little munchkin, and she says, Yeah, put down your fucking phone. I was like, it's like every shred of like dignity I had of like being holier than bell, like not yelling, and I just like rolled all the windows up and I was like, Oh, illy. So clearly I had said that out loud at one point. It's not like that.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Okay, so they did get up. So you're not perfect. That gives me hope.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

Or maybe George said it. I don't know. Now that's gonna be my that's gonna be my new my new rationale. And I'm like, have I said that out loud before? Like in front of the kids, but you can't blame me because she wasn't in my car at that point.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

But now you could probably blame me.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Yeah, those little cute voice, put that on the fucking phone.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

I mean, I love that you were calm when you were able to say that. Like I would be like, I get worked up.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Mm-mm. I had a guy once, we were driving down 95, like fast, like you know, everyone drives fast on 95. And both the kids were in the car, and I wasn't changing lanes, I wasn't speeding, I was driving, just I was just like peaceful, weren't late for anything. I was just talking to the kids, whatever. This car comes up behind me, pulls in front of me, slams on his brakes. Oh, see? I just slam on my brakes in the middle of 95 though. 95. That's ridiculous. And I stop, he gets out of his car, and he starts screaming and cursing at us. At this point, I'd be afraid I was gonna get shocked. But Giacomo was like, Mom, go, mom, go. Totally. He might have gone, go. What was he yelling? I don't even know.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

Like driving too slow?

SPEAKER_01 23:57

Maybe that's so good.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

I drive like 40 and like talking about kids.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Giacomo is like, yeah, he was like scared. He's like, go, mom, go. But the guy was so close to me, I would have had to like back up, go.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

Like, what a psychopath they get out of your car on the highway to talk to the other.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

And that is a little scary. And the fact it was Miami and like everyone has guns, so you know, you never know. Yeah, this is fair. And everyone has, do they even have a concealed carry thing anymore? No, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. So, anyway, positive intent, and I feel like positive intent. I'm gonna have to be. That was everything, and I feel like it's just it it's been an interesting way to look at things. I think maybe it's been like three years ago. I heard it somewhere, and I don't even think it had anything to do with the driving thing. And I was like, you're right. And I was like, just in general, like the idea of that anyone, like I think the idea, like let's say you're standing there and you're taking a picture of your family, and someone walks right through it. They don't mean like do we think that they were like, let's crash this person's photo, or do they literally don't just unaware unaware?

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Yeah, just walking around like half asleep and in a clock.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

And everyone lives in like their own world, their own head, their own reality. They're not thinking about you. And they try to carry that over to like the kids. I mean, Illia doesn't care, she d doesn't care what anyone thinks about her, but like with Giacomo. Yeah, I'm like, Giacomo, nobody cares that I'm singing in the aisle of the grocery store. Totally. No one's gonna go home later and try to find me on the internet and wonder who that weird lady was that was singing in the grocery store.

SPEAKER_02 25:28

Yes, parks gets embarrassed me too.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

I'll get embarrassed and be like, I don't want to bring my baseball bag to s with me. People like see me with my baseball bag. I'm like, and they'll think you're a baseball player. Like, what? I don't understand the issue. Totally. It's like they're just wonder why I like have it with me somewhere where there's no baseball field nearby. I'm like, no, they're not. Yeah. No one's gonna think one thought about you. They're gonna figure out baseball later and to go on with their day. And it'll be like this quick. That's it. They're on to the next years.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

No, nobody cares.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

They don't know how to like, I don't know, maybe the maturity, maybe like I think that comes with age. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

I think that comes with age. I think when you're young and you're like and you're awkward and you're trying to figure it out. Like, I think it just comes like with confidence and like life lessons and knowing who you are. Like, I don't know that you can teach that.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

That would be another in going back to like our original topic, like the difference in like young kids, like what goes through their heads.

SPEAKER_02 26:20

I wish I knew. I'm always like, what is in there, right? And I have three boys, so like I mean you have no idea. Especially with my oldest.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Like, he like he'll tell me he'll talk when he wants to talk, and like the other people talk forever, but like I don't know what goes on. I mean, I don't ever know. It is funny, it's like you know, I feel like I'm super close with my kids, but like I had no idea that Giacomo was running for student government. I didn't know he's on the morning buzz every morning at school. Wow, like Josh told me. I was like, Oh no, I didn't know. And then I talked to him, he's like, Well, yeah, you know, I thought it looked good for high school applications.

SPEAKER_02 26:54

I'm like, Okay, yeah, great. I only say wow, because I would assume he would tell you. I know I'm not surprised. Like, if that were me, I wouldn't be that surprised. Like, I hear very little about the school day. I asked how school was, and I just literally will say it was school every day, and like that's what I hear. So I think maybe they're just at that age, but it's crazy. I would expect to be able to do that. I know, yeah. But it's interesting because like the hours of their day, they're away from us anyway, right? But anyway, actually, I want to go back to the positive intent because other than when I'm driving, yeah, I 100% have the same outlook in life. And I had this conversation years ago with my parents, and my mom was like, I don't believe that. She's like, I don't believe that everyone has positive intent.

SPEAKER_01 27:36

Okay, maybe not everybody, but I think vast majority. Well, I'm evil people in the world, sure. Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

But what's her rationality? Like, well, I think I think that there that's what she sees, like those evil people. But I even think that people who do really terrible things likely justify them and see them from their point of view and don't think they're doing evil things. Like, so is it really positive intense? Like, probably not, like in their in their head or just shitty things.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

I don't know, there's a lot there. So that's a that's evil to me is like someone cutting off your skin and wearing it at home. Like they are thinking that they're doing something awesome. How do you explain that? I don't know, versus maybe someone with just shitty behavior, being mean to somebody else because they feel like it's warranted because of what somebody did to them or long ago.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

That's a good I don't know, that's a good question. But what I think more importantly is as like is the fact that that that mentality serves you in a positive way. It serves me too. So if I go out and think that everyone is like shitty and they're assholes, then I'm going to show up differently than I'm gonna show up if I believe that you have positive intentionality. It's interesting.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

So you had that conversation with your mom, and she was like, no, that's not true. Yeah, she's like, I don't, she doesn't see the world that way.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

It's kind of like kind of makes me sad a little bit. But they're also like in that generation where they watch the news every day, and they're you know, and it's like you see awful things, and like I think that it's like a struggle to see, like, that everyone has goodness when you see so much terribleness every day, right? Yeah, which I filter out purposely because I don't want that in my realm.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Isn't that funny that like I think we also like consume media differently? Like, it's not like you wake up. I mean, I remember we lived in New York, you wake up in the morning, getting ready for work, whatever, and you just like put on New York once because you wanted to see what subways were running late. You wanted to see like traffic, you know, like whatever. And and and now, like, I don't even think I I don't even know if I have TV at all. My kids are less like do you ever watch TV? Like commercials and regular television?

SPEAKER_02 29:43

We don't have regular, but that's who has commercials, and my kids love commercials. Actually, we do though, when we watch football games, commercials, and they love the commercials. I hate the commercials.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

I get yeah, I guess we uh yeah, I guess when we watch football, but it's still not on like NBC TV, like you're watching it through a streaming service that has a partnership with whatever. Like you're not turning on the TV and going to the guide. Remember, like the guide where you used to like go.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

I hate that guide.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

You're like your butt, your thumb's sore from pushing the button so I thought remember they came with the page down button that was so much better. You're right, I forgot the page down technology. But the fact that we're consuming media differently, and and the way you get your news, like it's just different. It's different now. So you're like, I don't know, last time I watched the news. I was even like I was in a coffee shop the other day, and the New York Times was out and it was like the end of the day, and I was like flipping through it, and and I was thinking to myself, like, I can't remember the last time I like read a newspaper. I used to remember every Sunday when you lived in New York, you got the New York Times, you get the style section, like the magazine every Sunday. Not to mention you know, the political side of it, and and you know, that's a whole different story, and how how just different journalism feels. So that's a whole another another idea. But it was funny because I was reading through it, and there was like one article about like this, like trying to save light space in up in northern Michigan or something, and then another article one was about like how pain receptors and when you're sick. It was actually an historical about like when you're sick, because I've just been sick for so long. That like it's not the sickness making you sick, it's your brain doing that in your body. Like, your your body is the one that's giving you the fever, your body is the one that's like making you produce the mucus, your body, like it's not really the sickness that's doing it, it's your brain. And some guy had developed, you know, he won the Nobel Prize for some protein tracking that they could tell like what's happening in your body and whatever super cool article, but then later in it, there's an article about ultra-processed foods and how they might be making you sick. Oh, really? And that's why I'm like, I'm done with this newspaper. Oh, it might be, like, maybe that's what it's saying.

SPEAKER_02 31:53

Like, you can't actually say the truth because we're gonna get canceled by all of our babies. Exactly. That's why, though, that's what we live in this stage, yeah. You know, where we're like, you can't trust these sources because they're all they're all paid, right? It's all paid.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

But like the funny part of it was like, what our girl's kind of interesting with that, and then I was like, forget it. All right, never mind. I'm done with newspapers. This is why I don't care.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

But even like when my dad comes here, he won't turn on the news, but he will read the news on his iPad every single morning that he's here. Like, they're just it's just like a day, it's just different. It's a different time, you know?

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Yeah, and that's so I can understand why your mom might have that viewpoint.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

And I don't know, maybe just since that conversation her viewpoint has changed. I really don't know. Like that was years ago, but I was like, oh, that's such an interesting thing. And I think a lot of people don't I think a lot of people would agree with my mom that they wouldn't see that almost that most people have positive attempts. I think that because you could also look at it like people are selfish and people are just out for their own, you know.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

And yeah, I mean think about the idea like if your kid got lost on the beach, what are the chances that you think someone's gonna grab that kid and kidnap them and leave? Or are people good people? Yeah, and they're gonna say, lost kid here, whose kid is this? Right, right. Like, what do we really think?

SPEAKER_02 33:06

But that I really think there's more good people than there are creeps and weirdos. However, maybe not Miami, but who I mean we are in Miami Kid Point and South Beach, you never know who you're gonna end up with. But I really think that we live in a culture, in a society that loves theater mongering, and so there's always that thought in the back of your head of that child molester or that whatever that like the people who you know I was told like they literally steal kids from the science museum and put them on a boat and like for like sex trafficking, and like it's terrifying, and that does happen, and so in the back of your head, it's like you know, yeah, it's a hard balance to I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

I know. I mean, I don't know how this conversation after like kid kidnapping, but women's brains here are but it but it you know it is interesting in being in Miami though, and you're right, the ports are here, and it's like it happens, right? And you know, we went to Disney a couple years ago with the kids, and I don't know why I had this thought I need to put tracking devices on the kids, totally, and now and then I was like, Well, that's crazy, but then I was like, Well, now I have to because I had that thought, and was it mother's intuition? Do I need to do that? And now I'm gonna totally put tracking devices in their in their socks because you can't put them in their shoes because kidnappers take their shoes off, and then I would put them downward in spiral.

SPEAKER_02 34:24

Like, but this is actually this is literally, Chris said how he was talking to someone and they were talking about the future, and how eventually everyone will have an implanted cheese. Yeah, but he said exactly this he goes, This is how they will get you. They will say if your child ever got kidnapped, we would be able to track them, and you wouldn't want to be the one parent who didn't have your kid tracked, which literally just gave me cuspumps and so crazy.

SPEAKER_01 34:48

Me too. No, it's crazy, so fucking creepy. But I ended up doing it, and I put the tracking devices in the kids' shoes or in their socks, because I had a friend of a friend who I was with recently who actually worked for with like Homeland Security, and they work with companies that help them identify human trafficking, and like they work with companies like Disney and then big financial firms of how to track if there's large um like large dollar amount purchases at fast food restaurants multiple nights, it's usually a sign of human trafficking because they're feeding large amounts of people, and then we'll track the finances. Yeah, crazy. And he was saying that kidnappers always will take the kids' shoes off, they do, and but change their clothes, right? So I was like, I gotta put the devices in their socks and not in their shoes because and then I remember I came back from Disney, I was at the park, and I was talking to a couple friends, and they were like, Oh, it's Disney. I was like, I don't know, I want to look crazy and put driving devices in their shoes. You're like, We survived. But then two of the parents there, one of the moms was like, That's not crazy. And she told me this wild story when she was like 10 years old, and she was at Disney, and the other family there with the two-year-old daughter, got stolen right out of the stroller, stroller, sleeping in the stroller, and they found the people, they found the little girl, they'd shaved her head and changed her clothes, but they found them leaving the park. I had a similar our friends had a know people who this also happened to. So it's like it does happen, but can you live your life?

SPEAKER_02 36:05

No, no, thinking that way. No, and I think actually what you said though to me is what it always comes down to is if I allow myself time and space to be still and and sit and be quiet, then mother's intuition is so strong, right? And so I I really believe that. Like, I don't think that we can live in fear. I don't choose to live in fear as well like it, right? You could absolutely live in fear and there's terrible things that happen. But are you then calling in that accidentally? Yeah, right. So instead, it's like, how can I live filled up of God in in truth and in like faith? Yeah, and allow myself to be open to intuition so that I if if God wants me to put trackers in there anywhere, I will do it. I'm listening, but it's a really it's a really challenging thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

I mean could you imagine?

SPEAKER_02 36:57

Like you I mean it's your worst nightmare, and that's the problem. Exactly. You go through these scenarios and they are literally your worst nightmare. Like and that's where it gets really hard because you would do anything to save your children. You know, but I mean that's what it goes to. Like we're all gonna end up with tracking devices for the reason.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

You know, it's the interesting science behind that is that you know they say that your ch part of your children's DNA always stays in your brain as a mother.

SPEAKER_02 37:23

I I thought I didn't know it was your brain, but I knew it was your body, but I knew I knew that you're they leave pieces of their DNA out, right?

SPEAKER_01 37:29

It's like there's a there's a reason we have that intuition, totally and that and and I went down this rabbit hole recently, and I don't know I don't remember what spurred it, but I it was the idea of that saying of like trust your gut, yeah, and how you know what is it, 80 some percent of your serotonin is produced in your gut, and we you know we used to think it was like in your brain, and it was a happy drug, but it comes from your gut, and I think there's like science twofold science behind this mother's intuition that there's part of your children that will always be in you and always be living in your body, yeah, and that gut feeling like there's there's a reason you're feeling that this isn't this isn't that doesn't come from nowhere, no, and I so to not acknowledge it to be like yeah, man, we tell you that oh, I knew that was gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

And I think it's also I think it's a women's intuition, not even just mothers. I think us women, we are just feeling beings, and I think that we're connected in a way that maybe I've never walked in a man's shoes, I don't know, but maybe men aren't always, and I think women have really strong intuition, but I don't think we're taught to like honor that and like listen to it. I think that you know it feels very like woo-woo and like weird to like really step into that, but I think that's changing. But I think as women we do. I think that we really have this ability to tap in in a beautiful way, and we and if we could teach that and like really like empower each other to to really like trust it, I think that yeah, that makes us quite powerful.

SPEAKER_01 38:57

And then, like, you know, tying back to the beginning of the podcast and women and what goes through our heads and what we're what we're thinking about, and you know, I think this idea that you know, have it all, be it all, work, be a mother, all these things that go through your head constantly. Am I doing enough? And forgetting that, like, we like being a woman, it's like you're this like divine being that gives life. Totally. So like what what and I've said this to you before, like, at what point did that become less important than your job that you go to? Yeah, not to say it discredits any woman that has a CEO job or is super powerful and you manage it all, and you go home and you're a mom, and maybe you have a nanny that takes care of kids, that's all fine. There are plenty of ways to be a good mother, yeah. But for some reason, this I the idea of raising children has become less important. I agree. No idea. And I I don't know, I don't know why, where this has started, but I feel like there's there's a shift happening. Like, you know, there's that whole like trad wife thing happening on Instagram, if you heard that term. It's it's like traditional life, is what it stands for. And it's like all these women that are just like stay-at-home moms are like making their own sourdough from scratch, yeah, doing anything and they're like dressed up and they're this, which that's a lot of things. Right, right. But it's I'm kind of like, all right, I can get on board with this, even though maybe it's like a vast like dramatization of what it really looks like to be a traditional stay-at-home life, but like okay, let's honor that.

SPEAKER_02 40:28

And I think more I think honoring A, first of all, wherever we are, and be recognizing that like this is very new for women to have so much piled on us. It hasn't, you know, a hundred years ago, I think it was just different. And so, as women who you know have fought for equality, and then you want to step into that, and and I think, and you still bring all the other all the other to-dos of that are so important with you. And so I think it's more just like honoring that this is a time that we're navigating and figuring it out, and how do we how do we show up for our families and be our best selves and still, you know, honor our careers if we choose to have one? And if we could just come from a place of respect and understanding that we're all doing it the best we can and we're all figuring it out.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

And I think the idea of feminism is like about having the choice. Totally. Doesn't mean that you that you have to go work and be a mom or go work and not have kids or whatever this, you know. I think who just came out recently, it was a Vogue or someone, this article about how having a boyfriend or or a partner or husband, I forget what it was, isn't is embarrassing. Oh wow. And I was just like, oh no. What?

SPEAKER_03 41:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 41:39

And this and and the idea it, you know, comes from the fact that, like, okay, you're a successful woman, you take care of your own life, you pay your own bills, what do you need a man for? Yeah. And it's not and and and I don't know where this divide is. It's not like you're saying you need a man or your life is gonna fall apart. Right. But how do you procreate as a culture? How do we like that? Is I don't know, maybe if you don't have kids, you don't ever feel that, but that love and the like enduring humanity that comes from being a mother.

SPEAKER_02 42:13

And take motherhood out of it though, just being with a partner, right? There's like there's something we as humans are meant to connect with each other, and I think it's sadly our culture doesn't give enough uh emphasis on that, you know. It's like I think in other European countries, it's like you know, you gather, and you gather as a community, and that's really important. And that's like in the blue zones, like community is like one of the biggest factors of like how long you live. Yeah, and so it's it's not you need a man or you need a husband, it's like you get to share your life with somebody and you choose that, right? And and there's something really beautiful to that, and I think that there's there's a lot of damaging, there's a lot that could be very damaging if you're like thinking I can do it all on my own and I don't need anybody. That's not how we were meant to be as humans, I don't believe.

SPEAKER_01 42:58

No, I mean I guess our argument could be like, oh, well, you have your group of women friends, like you don't need that man partner, and I think that idea of like needing it is not really the right term, like you're gonna die without it. No, of course. To me, that's a need, like if you need something, it means you need it, or you can't survive without it, right?

SPEAKER_02 43:19

No, that that's that's not the case, but but we do need love, we do need like we need to be able to be touched and seen and whatever. And can you get that from girls? Sure, but like that is like a need, I think that like maybe not to survive, but to thrive, you know, and so that that's an interesting thing. The word need, like, we do need to allow other people in, yeah, and uh and like love other people and and and navigate life. It's it's tricky to navigate life with a partner, right? Yeah, and it's also beautiful, but I think that yeah, I don't know, there is a need there, but not in the traditional sense, right? It doesn't have to look a certain way. Well, um

SPEAKER_01 44:00

I know there's a lot of thoughts going on up there. But we're just here to say it out loud and see what anybody else thinks. But we should have Melissa on to talk about this idea of like how our brains work because there is science behind it. That would like you and Nora I could speak to, and then next we'll have a man on, and they can tell us what goes through their weird crazy heads on the streets.

SPEAKER_02 44:20

I know it's so interesting, right? It would be so interesting to like to do that. But yeah, all over the place as usual.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

But this is how our brains work. Exactly. So the following one change the name of the podcast. I don't know what's what it needs to be about this. It goes like this. Our conversations are like that's like buckle up.

SPEAKER_02 44:38

We're going for a ride, and we don't know where the destination is. But it's a good journey. I know. But thanks for listening. We appreciate you. Thank you so much for hanging out with us today. We're really glad you're here. You can follow the podcast on Apple and Spotify, and we're on social at Don't Tell the Kids with a bunch of underscores. Hang in there, mamas. See you next week.