Don't tell the kids... my gut knew before he told me

Okay, this one gets real. Mel and Siobhan start out somewhere lighter — Miami rain, cycle phases, sensual Sundays, and whether scheduling intimacy actually ruins the magic or just keeps it alive (jury's still out). And then Siobhan brings the question she came with: when you stay with someone after they cheat, does it ever stop coming up?

Mel doesn't dodge. She talks about the years her intuition was telling her something was off even when he wasn't being honest about it, the moment she was folding his laundry and just knew, the times she asked and he denied it, and the ayahuasca journey that finally cracked it open. She talks about the grief of it, the choice to stay, and the years of small emotional deposits that have to happen if you're going to actually rebuild — not just stay together, but rebuild. Siobhan shares from the other side of it too, what it's like to co-parent when the trust is gone and the foundation isn't there.

From there it opens up into something a lot of us feel but don't really name — the mental load. The decision fatigue that hits women differently than men, and how our brains seem wired to hold all of it at once: the tuition payment, the field trip form, what's for dinner tomorrow, who needs new cleats. It's not that our partners aren't carrying a load too — Chris definitely is — it's just that it lives in a different part of the brain, organized differently, and that difference is worth talking about.

They wrap up with the lighter stuff — what you focus on, you call in (cardinals are everywhere now, apparently), celebrating the wins as loud as we cry over the losses, and Mel possibly becoming a medium. We'll keep you posted on that one.

Pour the coffee. We're so glad you're here. 💛

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Need a break from your endless to-do list? Welcome to Don't Tell the Kids. We're two busy moms sharing the real, messy, funny conversations about life and motherhood. I'm Mel, mom of three, wellness nerd, an entrepreneur, figuring it out as I go.

SPEAKER_03 0:21

And I'm Siobhan, single mom of two, usually barefoot, and always saying yes to life. No advice, just honest conversations on and off the mic. So grab your coffee, hide out in your car, and don't tell the kids. Thank you for my tea. You're so welcome. It's been raining for what, 10 years in Miami so far?

SPEAKER_02 0:43

It feels like it, but every time we complain about Miami weather, now I have to like check myself. You're right.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

Right. Sorry. Sorry, I'm being ungrateful.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

And it's actually been decently, it's like not boiling hot yet. So I'm trying to enjoy that part.

SPEAKER_03 0:57

Yeah, I could use a day without rain though. It's fair.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Yesterday. No, it did rain.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

But it didn't rain all day. What the world are you living in? There was a part of yesterday that was nice because I took a couple walks.

SPEAKER_03 1:10

I feel like the crazy thing about Miami though is that you could have had a completely different day than I have. She that's true. I mean, how many miles away? Five miles away, but I'm on the beach and you're not on the beach.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Even still, I was like uh taking Nala to her vet appointments for her getting fixed. And I was talking to my mother-in-law, and she's like, it's pouring here. And I'm like, it's not raining here either. And it was mainland, just like a couple miles away.

SPEAKER_03 1:33

Yesterday when I dropped the kids off and I came back over the causeway, I couldn't even see the beach, couldn't see any buildings, couldn't see any, it was completely fogged over and gray. I was like, oh my gosh, it's pouring again. But it was sunny, but I was driving into it. I was like, this is wild. So much rain, torrental downpour, people with like hazards on, driving super slow. And then I got to the end of the causeway and it was sunny. Wow. I know. And it was like sunny at my house. I was like, This is so insane.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

That's wild.

SPEAKER_03 2:01

I know.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Yeah, it actually did get wicked last night. I walked Nala this morning and there were like branches down and everything.

SPEAKER_03 2:07

I mean, our doors were like banging last night. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

But I actually like when it rains like at night and it's cozy and I don't feel like a bad for doing nothing.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

I'm absolutely agree. And I've actually been really lazy the last two days. So when it starts raining, I'm like, uh, whatever. Yeah. Go outside for a walk anyway.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

I know. I'm like luteal phase and decreasing caffeine this week. And so I'm like, all I want to do is the end fetal position.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

I feel like we need a whole conversation about the uh phases. We should have a leash on and talk about I guess I don't know nearly enough, but I guess that I've had an IUD for like a million years. Oh yeah. And I guess you were telling me though that I still have my phases, they're just wack-a-doodle.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

So it's actually interesting because IUD, I talked to a doctor about IUDs specifically, and she's like, because I was explaining to her that there's no real research on IUDs and nutrition, like uh nutrient depletion. Yeah. And she's like, there were there's almost no studies on IUDs because IUDs act differently, kind of in every person. Yeah. She's like, it's wild. So she's like, you're not really gonna see that research, it's not gonna really be done. She's like, there's it's so hard to study IUDs because of the way that they interact differently.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

Versus a regular like oral contraceptive.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Yeah.

unknown 3:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:19

Why is that? Isn't it just releasing the same hormones?

SPEAKER_02 3:21

You would think, and honestly, I didn't go deep with her because we had like a limited amount of time and we were talking about uh study for ally. So uh motive. Motive, I just thought that did you see me hesitate?

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Oh yeah, it's not called that anymore. For anyone that doesn't know, Melanie has this like amazing, like such an interesting nutraceutical. Did you call it nutraceuticals? Supplement? What do you call it?

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Yeah, it's I mean, it is a supplement, but my LLC is companion nutraceuticals, which you sound so fancy.

SPEAKER_05 3:50

Oh, you're fancy, huh? Companion, ally, motive. Well, one day it'll stick.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Oh my god. Well, companion stays because it's the LLC name, but it's not the actual brand name. But the brand was ally and now it's motive.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

And um, but anyway, Melanie's a nutritionist and developed a line of supplements that you take in conjunction with your pharmaceutical drugs. So she knows everything about the hormone stuff, and I know nothing about IUD forever, and I thought I didn't even have cycles, but I was enlightened.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

I mean, I definitely don't know everything, and depending on who you talk to, they might tell you something different anyway. So it's interesting that I'll, you know, not everyone agrees. Hormones are complex. I'm not always gonna drink from your teacup and make out with you at the same time. She's shameless. It's a dog, by the way, not a child.

SPEAKER_05 4:35

Or see, it's a dog putting her tongue in my mouth. Yeah, good point.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

I mean, I feel like there's definitely times where I'm, I guess I cry all the time, though. Times where I'm crying more, I'm like, oh, maybe I'm in whatever phase that is. I don't know the names of any of them. I'm so bad.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Blue deal is like before your period, and that's when I feel the most off. That's why I'm most tired, most irritable, most emotional. Where you're super horny. For well, it's just not always the same for everyone. So it could be when you're ovulating, or it could be like like for me, I generally start getting horny like when I'm still in my period, which is such a drag because Chris is not into that. So I'm like, oh, can I stop bleeding, please? So yeah, it's it's but it's generally the first two weeks of your cycle is when you're most horny.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

And maybe it means science-wise, that would make sense. Like get horny so you can have a baby, like it's 100% of his animals.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Yes, exactly. And then your hormones plummet in luteal, which is where I'm at. And so my my sex drive goes to like nothing, which my cycles are so short, so I feel like I'm always like in nothing. God damn, I'm always in luteal fate. But that's not true. I actually have a yeah, first two weeks, I'm great. Get two good weeks out of the year.

SPEAKER_04 5:51

I'm on this calendar with like smiley face fingers and stars and fireworks, eggplants, and beach emojis in his breath.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

That's like I should do that. That would actually be really funny.

SPEAKER_04 6:03

Eggplant firework emojis in this calendar.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

That's actually funny because for years we were like, oh, like scheduling sex just feels so like takes all the excitement out of it, right? And then for his 40th birthday, we had a like this big party down in Saloom. It was awesome. We invited all these people. And anyway, we had this lady named BB came and like did a sex, sex conversation with all of us. And so she was actually promoting putting it on your calendar. She's like, you make time for things that are important in your life and you need to prioritize like your intensity. And so we would have like sensual Sundays for years. You name them though? She named them not to be fair. Well, I'm pretty sure she named them, but we definitely said it. Like we would use it. I mean, he never did. Let's be serious. I'm sure that never came out.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

He didn't say sensual anything.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

I must have said it. Sounds like a special day run at the strip club. Half price.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

But what an actual God's doing in the lockdown. What it actually means is you give your kids melatonin so they gotta sleep. Oh my god. No, are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_02 7:17

No, I'm not kidding you. I can't, I don't like my kids stay up too late now. Then they're like, you can't, this doesn't work. I can't go back to melatonin them, they're too old, but move on to harder drugs.

SPEAKER_04 7:32

Really? Got any suggestions? Oh my goodness, sensual Sundays. Yep, sensual Sundays.

SPEAKER_03 7:39

They fizzled out, but they are they are going for a while. Oh my gosh. I'm gonna start putting them on your calendars, really. But was it so weird?

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Like, today's the day, honey. No, because I feel like um, I mean, when you're like in a good, like spicy mood, then it's fun because then you can like you know, like sex each other or like little things, right? You like lead up to it in like fun ways. And then like it's easy for me to like, okay, I'm gonna go take a bath because that makes me relaxed, and then more like, you know, and it's just like those things instead of it being like, okay, here we are. I make it. Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 8:18

Sorry, distracted by these dogs. Yeah, knowledge jumping on your dog's head. Oh my goodness. Okay, I don't know. We just went on a total uh shocking tangent. We didn't get to what we're really even supposed to be talking about yet, and we're eight minutes, eight minutes in. That was a good, a good lead-in. Yeah. Um, so what was I asking you earlier? That I don't oh, I don't remember why I was thinking of this. Oh, I think I remember how it came up. That obviously you are married, I am divorced, been divorced for many years, I don't know how long now, maybe eight years or so. And there was, you know, infidelity in my in the marriage, whatever. And George and I are arguing about something with the kids' schools and stuff right now, and he's just I don't sometimes I just feel like he takes my good intentions of trying to figure out what can be best for the kids, and I don't know, somehow it's something bad. I don't I don't really know. And there's times where he's just so mean in the way he talks and his messages, and maybe it's just like I'm so sensitive and he's a man, but I don't know. And there's times where I'm like, you cheated on me, you should be nice, like forever and ever. You're indebted. Hell yeah, it's like this is how life should be. Oh well. And then I was thinking, like, huh, I wonder if you stay with the person, as you know you guys did, yeah, that do you ever forget? Like, it's like obviously like I forgive George for it. I'm not like fine, but I definitely don't, you know, it's like you don't forget, but if you stay in a relationship, do you build so many more things that it eventually doesn't become an issue anymore? Or is it something you still think about? Like, how do you forget that? And then when he travels, like, is there like do you ever feel those feelings? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that there is not one way that people go through that process, first of all, because I know another couple who went through infidelity also on his part, and like years later, the wife was still really like bitter and and angry.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

And so could you tell when they would like be together, like it was visible all the time, or she would just talk to you about it?

SPEAKER_02 10:32

Neither actually. Um he would talk to Chris about it, and it was a different situation, and everyone's situation's different too, right? Like there was like it felt like maybe more of an emotional exchange, and and so harder, maybe. I guess I only say that because I can speak from my own experience, but I can't, you know, I think everyone goes through their own process. But for me, I remember, I mean, I grieved heavily during this process of like healing from it because it disrupts everything that you think you know, right? It's like everything. I'm like, is everything a lie? You know, and it really like makes you question everything. But I remember thinking, like, I will not stay in this marriage if I'm gonna hold it over his head forever. Like, that's not fair. Yeah, right. And he was not fair to either of you. It's not fair to either of us, yes. It's really not. And and he, you know, through this process, was really lovely about I'd wake him up in the middle of the night sometimes with questions or crying or because I couldn't sleep, and like always like so patient. And I'm not saying like whatever, like you know, he fucked up. Like, yeah, he's a human. And I think that as you go through waves of it, like does it ever come up in my mind? Yes, but much less now. I'd say it's probably been like it's been like seven years since since we I found out, and it had happened prior to that. I didn't also find out right after it happened, yeah, which I think how much later was it?

SPEAKER_03 11:59

I forget, I know you've told me that.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

Years, um, years later. So that also was helpful because I had space in between.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

Um But you I feel like you told me you felt like you knew something had happened.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

100%. My intuition told me, I remember folding clothes specifically. I remember folding clothes, it was folding his clothes, and I had like a you know, like intuition, you just like have like downloads, just like somebody's talking to you, and it was like literally thinking a condom was gonna fall out of this place. Yeah, and we've never been good at using condoms, so it would not be for me. And I had asked him, I can't tell you how many times throughout our marriage, like when it was probably happening. I could I had intuitive feelings, and he always would deny it, deny, deny, deny. And so I think what changed that for him was actually his ayahuasca journey. He said that he was having this ayahuasca journey and he was experiencing himself through my eyes, like he could feel what it would be like to be me, and was like, God, like why are you such a dick? Like she's trying to reach out and connect, and you're oh wow, yeah. And there was like this black box during his his ceremony that was like the secret that he was holding, and he was like, and he told me about this black box, but he didn't tell me what was in the black box, of course, you know. But he was like, and so it weighed on him clearly, and like a deep level, even if day to day he didn't think about it. And um, yeah, so I'd asked him many times, and and the one time, the time he actually told me, I think that in retrospect, we were both mature enough to be able to have the conversations and like many, many, many, many, many conversations after. And so that like pieces, you know, for years there would be little things, you know, he would travel and there'd be a part of me. And but I was able to like know myself well enough to then be like, hey, you know, there's a piece of me that's feeling insecure and worried that you're gonna go do something. And so we were able to we're able to have those conversations very openly. Where I feel like if we weren't, then um, I don't know how I don't know how you get over it if you aren't able to have those conversations in that deep level of honesty that like I'm feeling unsafe or insecure. Yeah. And um yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

But I don't ever, it's never like like in an argument about something else, and we're like, yeah, but you cheated on me.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Exactly. Now and I could use it, but it's not serving us, you know, like especially because I decided to stay. I remember thinking in there, I remember thinking, like, okay, like if you want out of this marriage, now is the time. Like no one would ever question he cheated, you wrap it up, you put a bow on it, and you walk, you know, and you start your life. Yeah. But I was like, I don't want that. Like, I was like, I really choose him.

SPEAKER_05 14:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

If, and I told him that, like, if we can, if I can know that I'm in a secure relationship where this is not gonna continue happening, and like otherwise you keep making those choices, like you're not giving me an option, like I have to then leave.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

Um, but I think now, like, you know, last I feel like sometimes many days I'm here and he's not here and he's traveling. This many years later, do you ever feel like nervous or you don't trust him or any or or anything like that? Rarely does it does it bubble up.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:12

And if it does, it'll be like it'll be like he's at dinner and traveling and and I don't haven't heard from him, and it'll bring up like an old like feeling.

SPEAKER_06 15:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

Um, but then there's always like a it's never he doesn't just doesn't call like he used to do. Like, oh or even actually we were laying in bed and his phone kept dinging. And I'm like, who is texting you at like 9 45 at night? And it's literally like his Padel group, and he's of course it's his. Of course it is, right? But he'll literally be like, I like I get it. Do you want to see the text? I'm like, no, I don't want to see it. But he understands that like he broke that trust, and so he's willing to that's a dog, not a human.

SPEAKER_04 15:54

It's not us growling at each other.

unknown 15:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Um, so I think that that also helps because he's like very understanding of the fact that like he broke that trust and that takes a very long time to rebuild. But generally speaking, um yeah, it doesn't it doesn't come up that much anymore. But it did, it did for a lot of years.

SPEAKER_03 16:13

That's interesting. I feel like I mean, I don't know because we're not together anymore, so I can't really say, but I do remember feeling when we were separated just like guilt that I couldn't forgive him and that I couldn't get over it for the sake of like our kids and our family. But it wasn't just wants either. So it was like a pattern. And it's funny because you know, I think we've already talked about this before, but it wasn't even anything big, wasn't the reason that I finally was like, uh, I'm done. Right. It wasn't even so I think it was just the the lack of trust. It was there was just it just didn't trust anything. I didn't ever just never believing anything he said. Like this isn't true, yeah. This is not a relationship that seems sustainable to me at all.

SPEAKER_02 17:04

If you take the infidelity out of it, where there's still other foundational issues, yeah, because I think that there was many times that maybe he wasn't even doing anything wrong.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

But you know, hearing you talk about like you know, Chris being like, Eurick, you want to look at my phone? Do you wanna like there was none of that openness, and there was a lot of out all night, not calling, finally making his way home, being like, Oh, sorry, my phone was off. And I'm like, Right, we share a phone account, I can see you've been on your phone all night. Right. And like the fact that I would like go look at that to be like, okay, at least I know he's alive. Like sometimes I'd be like, Welp, is he yeah, you know, is he there? Totally, is he alive? Is he okay? Yeah, and also just like almost validating, like, am I crazy? Like, am I thinking these things in my head or are they actually happening? And because I was be you know, like gaslighting, yeah. So knowing that, like, Mario, you're not crazy. At least you're not crazy.

SPEAKER_02 18:01

It's interesting because I feel like intuition is so strong, and like we women have really good intuition, and generally it's leading you in the right direction. As far as I think, especially as we get older and know ourselves, I think there, you know, your younger parts of you can feel insecure and it's coming from a place of insecurity. But but yeah, I think that it's also different because you know, you guys co-parenting as divorced people makes everything harder, right? So whereas like Chris and I have had years to rebuild and there's emotional deposits constantly, right? And so you you go off of that instead of like the major fuck up. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But when you're divorced, it's like the major fuck up becomes way bigger because there's not those, there's not those connecting things anymore. There's not the good times, not the you know, beautiful moments that you need for a foundation of a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 18:56

Yeah, it's kind of a shame though, because I think you could think of it like what is more foundational and loving than children. Yeah. I would love to think that the kids could be the reason that there's those emotional deposits. Yeah. Might not be the same as you know, mm would be marriage, wouldn't be those those same actions, but that's true, accept that.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

I remember my mom always saying, she's like, people think that babies bring couples closer. And she's she's like, I don't believe that to be true because kids are so much work, right? And to some degree, like as a mother, like those little ones need so much of you that they kind of pull away from your attention that you give to your spouse. Yeah. And so while they are pure love and you know, and yes, I could see that on the flip side, I think they can also make the distance greater. And then you come from different backgrounds with different parenting, you know, styles and put that together, and it it gets more challenging.

SPEAKER_03 19:57

I guess there's no marriage, there's almost like no reason to be like, all right, well, let's come together and and make these decisions together because he's got one idea, I have another idea. Yeah. You're like, well, we gotta agree on some point because we gotta lay in bed next to each other at night. Exactly. Versus being like, all right, well, we don't talk about anything else except the kids. Right. Right. I mean it yeah, it's hard though. I mean, there's times, you know, it's like I'd love to know, like, hey, what's going on with work? What's happening here? Like, we were together for so long, but it's just it's just gone. It's lost, and it gets lost and like, I don't know, always seems to turn into an argument. Is that been a gradual thing or always since you're divorced? Um I feel like it comes and goes in waves. Yeah. And sometimes it's like nice and okay, and feels like, okay, this is like gonna be a friendship, and then it'll just be like something will happen, it'll blow up, and then it's like that again.

SPEAKER_02 20:50

Yeah. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 20:53

Which for me I feel like it's a roller coaster, and it makes my like soul hurt, soul crushing. Like, I just wanted to be like peaceful and loving, and but you know, I guess it's not reality at all in any relationship.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

So have you talked to other divorced people who are able to manage that?

SPEAKER_03 21:15

Um there are any unicorns out there? You know, I don't know. I'm thinking about like my close group of friends. They're all married.

SPEAKER_06 21:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

I guess I have a couple friends in New York, but I don't really talk to them that much about all of that.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

Yeah, you I can think of someone not that we're close to, but someone that we know that we knew my dog's digging into nowhere. Um, that we knew when they were married, and they ended up getting divorced. And it was like one of those ones where you're like surprised that they get divorced because they they were really lovely together. And I think that they actually have a really good relationship now, but their kids are also older, so I think it's different. Like they're maybe like early 20s where they're living their Own lives, so you don't have to make decisions for them anymore, right? So I imagine that's a lot easier, too. Where then you can kind of be like all friends without having to have your mom hat always on.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

Yeah. I was reading somewhere recently, there's a scientist that did some study about like women and them feeling fatigued and tired, and sometimes it really has nothing to do with even the amount of sleep you get. Like you can sleep as much as possible. But especially like a m like a woman who's caring, like being a mother, working, financial, like you know, supporting the you know, whatever. And that like the amount of decisions that a woman has to make, like per minute, per second, whatever, versus a man. Totally. But but then sometimes I'm like, all right, well, men also have to work and they're a dad and a husband. Why is that? Like, are they not just taking on as much as those of those roles and and decisions and constant like the pickups, the schools, the this, the the homework, and I don't know, is it that? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

I think that men get the same decision fatigue, or Chris will get hit hit his point too, but his is all work-based, right? So like throughout the day, he makes whatever a thousand decisions from work, and he's like, I'm done, and you can tell when he's done, like, I can see it on his face, like completely done. But like, I might be like working on something, and then I'm like, oh shit, I didn't like pay tuition, and then I have to approve the field trip, and then I what are we having for dinner? And then I'm like, shit up.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

This is a speech and debate toward the end. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

I don't have this for dinner, and then what are we eating tomorrow? And like all of that is not going through the day, you know.

SPEAKER_03 23:42

That's interesting because it's like his is almost more in like a silo where it could all be put in a box, like work decisions. Yes, there might be a million of them, but they're all in in the same like silo. Yeah, ours are like scattered around like a bazillion stars in the sky that are flying a million miles per minute.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

And you feel like you have ADHD because you're like, oh my gosh, but like it's just that many things are going on. I know. Did you see that piece of art? It's like a statue and it's um of a lady, it's a woman, and she's kind of hunched over, and she has this giant pile of stuff on her back, which I think is literally like a um like a washing machine and all these like it's a sculpture. It's a sculpture, and she's got kids, little kids that are like down around her legs, and it's beautiful. I don't know where it actually is. Of course, I saw it on Instagram, so maybe it's not even real. It maybe, but it's exactly the depiction of like what a mother holds throughout the day and all the things that she carries, but that society has no real weight for, you know, like there's no like a good job, you cook dinner and did the laundry. Like no one gives a shit, you know? Or it's like, oh, you built a really successful company. That's really interesting. So I think there's just also that. It's almost like we like as women, not like we suffer in silence, but to some degree, it's like you just get your shit done, no one's applauding you, no one cares. Half the time they're like, dinner's gross, and getting the short end of the stick, and you just do it.

SPEAKER_03 25:04

Dinner's gross.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

I mean, I get that a lot, maybe.

SPEAKER_03 25:08

I there was someone that I saw recently that did like a like a numerical breakdown of like if you were to have to pay someone to do all the things that a mom does every day, or like, you know, for the year, what it would cost. Oh my god, that's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

And it's a lot, I'm sure.

unknown 25:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

I mean or priceful.

SPEAKER_02 25:30

Yeah. Priceless. Priceless. But I think it's as you know, and I mean, I guess that's not to say that men can't do that, because there's plenty now. I feel like there's lots of stay-at-home dads or you know, dads that are the primary caretaker. So I guess it'd be actually really interesting to know how their brains work. Maybe they're maybe they're not as scattered or maybe they are. I don't know. Maybe a man on the show.

SPEAKER_03 25:51

We're gonna ask them, we gotta ask Chris what he feels about it.

SPEAKER_02 25:53

Well, Chris would be different though, because Chris it's very like simple. It's like, it's like he'll be like, Why are you rushing around in the morning? And I'm like, Because I walk the dog, I wake the kids up, I make breakfast, I get their water bottles, and he's like, Okay, well, they can get their own water bottles and they can eat cereal. And like and the kids will laugh because if I go out of town, Ashon's like, uh, we're gonna have to eat cereal every day. He says that, yeah, yeah, but the Chris is like it's that simple, right? Like he's not gonna spend any more mental capacity on it. The kids are capable of eating cereal, that is done, right? And so he reminds me of thinking that the kids would be like, sweet, we get to eat cereal every morning.

SPEAKER_05 26:30

I think they are for short periods of that.

SPEAKER_04 26:33

Can we please have a warm meal, sir? Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 26:36

Please, sir. Can we have a hot meal?

SPEAKER_02 26:39

He's like, no, your mom will be oh because you scene or snap closet is hotel. Exactly. You're hungry, there's food. Like, why are you making it my problem? And I mean, to his point, he's right. Like, he's always like, you overcomplicate things. And I'm like, I kind of overcomplicate things, but just because I want it a certain way. I don't want to meet cereal for breakfast every morning. Like, I'd rather them have.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

And I don't think that's overcomplicating. I think that's wanting to provide your kids with a nutrient balance 100%. But at the end of the day, is that a deal breaker in life?

SPEAKER_02 27:09

For the meat cereal.

SPEAKER_03 27:11

You eat cinnamon toast crunch every single day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a good like four years. And that man has ripped handy.

unknown 27:17

I know.

SPEAKER_02 27:20

Although not everyone could probably eat that instead of he was probably also doing like a thousand sit-ups or something afterwards.

SPEAKER_04 27:27

I've never liked any of the food my mom cooked with cereal every day, which I actually I feel like I need to fact-check that one from Mrs. Holland and see.

SPEAKER_02 27:33

Yeah. And we're like, why are we doing really? I mean, I ate like shit growing up too, and technically I'm fine, but looking back, I'm like, I wasn't really fine.

SPEAKER_03 27:45

No. Yeah, but there's also that our food now is different than it was then. Like if you look at what a box of cereal had in it, you know, when we were growing up versus now, so it's not the same for the kids.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

Actually, we were talking about this kind of yesterday in the car because the kids tried you know what the how old the oldest dog on world record lived to? That's a really choppy sentence.

SPEAKER_04 28:07

Yeah. Let's try that again.

SPEAKER_02 28:13

Okay, how long did the oldest dog on record live? That was way better. Still.

SPEAKER_01 28:18

I feel like you can still Oh god, more efficient simplified complicating things. You didn't chat GPT that sentence.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

How long a dog? Yeah, how long? I mean, what's an average dog life? 12 years?

SPEAKER_02 28:32

10 to 15 is what it says. 20? 29 and five months. And so I was like, no, uh, some kind of shepherd. But Brooks looked it up and it was like literally, it was alive from like 1920 to 19 or whatever, 1915 to 19 something. So I was like, oh, that's before all these dogs got cancer because there were not all these pesticides on the food and in the grass and all the all the chemicals, right? And like, that's why that dog, no dog now is gonna live. 100% anymore. Yeah. Yeah, it's not the same. We don't live in the same world. That's almost a hundred years ago. Or maybe it is a hundred years ago. I don't know what year it was exactly. Roughly 1920. So yeah, it's a hundred years no matter what. Math. It's not my strong season.

SPEAKER_03 29:15

Okay, let's do math. I'm like, what year is it? The longest dog lit 29 years old. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

I know, wild, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:24

I don't know if I can handle having a dog for that long. It's a lot of responsibility.

SPEAKER_02 29:28

I know. I thought that it was gonna be a good idea to get a turtle one time because I was like, oh, they like seem like they need no nothing. And then I looked them up and they live tor tortoises live for like 30 years or something. It's like hell no.

SPEAKER_03 29:41

Imagine. I always broke down on Easter. I got a lop beard bunny. Oh god, seriously. I don't know what I was thinking.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

You would definitely get a bunny. Wouldn't waffles like carry it around in his mouth?

SPEAKER_03 29:51

Well, that was my thought. I'm like, wow, he's kind of scared of cats though. He's kind of a freighty cat, so I don't really scaredy scaredy dog, Frady cat.

SPEAKER_02 29:59

I think it would be so traumatizing if the dead bunnies like dead in the morning and waffles your dog's sitting next to it.

SPEAKER_03 30:05

When I was little, we had a dog, his name was Raz, Razmatazz, that's the dog's name. And he was like a mutt mix, whatever, and we all went camping. We also had chickens. We had like, I don't know, a couple dozen chickens growing up, you know, obviously at a farm, we not in an apartment. And we went camping, and I guess our neighbor was taking care of the dog, but somehow the door didn't latch, or the dog got out somehow. And I remember we pulled up to our house coming home from camping, and I remember my mom being like, No, don't look, cover your eyes, kids.

SPEAKER_05 30:46

We were like, what?

SPEAKER_03 30:48

And the dog had killed every single chicken. Oh and they were like, it was like a chicken line or all over the front of the our yard, and my like sweet dad dug a grave for every chicken. Oh wow, that is above and beyond.

SPEAKER_04 31:04

We had. I mean, they were like our pets. We love those chickens.

SPEAKER_03 31:07

Were you traumatized by the sight? I honestly don't even remember. I'm like retelling the story as my mom tells it because I don't even I don't even remember.

SPEAKER_02 31:15

You don't remember at all when you were as little.

SPEAKER_03 31:17

Maybe I blocked it out. I think I block out a lot of things. Yeah, I think we all do. But I don't. I remember my friend Blair from high school once was like, oh, I saw so-and-so the other day. And I was like, who's that? She's like, what do you mean? And she's like, you dated him for like four months.

SPEAKER_05 31:34

I was like, I don't know. Good thing we didn't use his name. I actually do know his name. We love you. We love you all about him. So sorry.

SPEAKER_04 31:48

Forget about you.

SPEAKER_02 31:50

I was like, who's that?

SPEAKER_05 31:52

What? Deleted him.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

I was like, uh I have the tendency to do that too. I'm just like, I don't know. I just it's interesting what sticks. Like some things you can remember forever ago, and other things it's like they never happened.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

I always love when like random memories pop up that you haven't thought about forever. And it's like, oh, when I was in Amsterdam last week and I was walking down the street, and there was like kids, like, you know, young adults hanging out of like a window, having a party in their apartment, and I was like immediately had this flashback of this party that my friend Fallon and Mia and I went to at this random guy's apartment. I think he was friends with Fallon, and we were going there to get like some kind of drugs to go out for the night, but they were already like on drugs, and the one guy was like a warlock, and the other guy designed like high-end sex toys. And we walked. Are you in high school?

SPEAKER_04 32:46

No, we were in no not high school.

SPEAKER_03 32:48

I was living in New York. Okay, oh, that makes no sense.

SPEAKER_04 32:50

No, I was living in New York in my 20s.

SPEAKER_03 32:52

And we showed up at this apartment and we're like, oh my, it was like the weirdest scene you could ever imagine. And I haven't thought about it in I don't even know. I I don't even remember. I was like, who was I with? It took me a lot of brain racking. And I messaged Mia, and Mia at first was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then she messaged me like five minutes later, she's like, Wait, shit! I think I do remember that. That's so wild, huh? But things that like you don't like it's so funny how the brain works. We do we don't hold on to everything.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

No, for sure. And some things are like so deep in there, it's like, yeah, pulling them out, it's like painful.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

Why is that? Like, why do some stick and some don't? Like, what's the science behind that?

SPEAKER_02 33:33

You're asking the wrong girl. We need our other friend.

SPEAKER_03 33:38

Yeah, let's chatumiti that. I know. Melissa definitely knows the answer to that. She'll tell us how to access all of it.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

I know, you're probably right. But maybe we don't want to. I mean, I do know I do know our brain filters because there's so much information constantly, right? So it's like it's it's like the same thing. There's this book called E Squared, and they have you do like these like manifesting little games, if you will, challenges, which I love and it's so fun. So we'd be like driving down the highway, and I'd be like, I'm gonna call in red cars, and then you see like a million red cars, right? Oh yeah. But like part of it is your brain is just filtering out, you know, the information and looking for what you're looking for.

SPEAKER_03 34:12

So when you like learn a new word or hear a new name, and then you hear it all the time, you're like, okay, wait.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

100%. Or my husband just got a new car, and now every he's like, everyone in Miami is driving the same car. I'm like, it's because you notice it, you just didn't notice it before. I don't know how he did not notice that before.

SPEAKER_03 34:25

I feel like when he got it, I was like, oh right, I guess get one of those. Every single person.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

But I feel like almost every like luxury car you're gonna see a ton of down here. Yeah, I agree. So I don't even know what you'd get that wasn't like a Hummer on one of those. You can't park you can't park anywhere. Actually, that's true.

SPEAKER_03 34:42

My kids do like that silly game, like instead of like punch buggy when they see a cyber truck, they do cyber truck slap.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Oh my gosh. The good the kids were playing that in my car. Jogma was in my car one day, but then I think it was actually I think I might have had Carter and Wyatt that day too. But then it was literally like any car, and they just started punching each other, which is fine except for their big, so my whole truck is like rocking. I'm like, this is out of control.

SPEAKER_03 35:06

No, that's so bad. You know, it's so funny. That that is interesting about like calling things in and recognizing them because sometimes I feel like it could just work with anything, it's not even just like you know, inanimate objects like a car or a sign or this or that.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

It's like pulling in things that you want in your world instead of thinking about the things we don't want, which is often what we spend the time thinking about. Yeah. I'm like one step away from being a weird bird lady lately because I've been like I think cardinals are super magical. Oh yeah, me too. Right? And so it's interesting though, because I've like thought this for a long time. So I've been looking for cardinals, looking for cardinals, and like I don't know what it was. I would like never see cardinals. And ever since I came back from Dispensa, I'm like, I must be like, I don't know, in the right frequency, because they're like everywhere. It's like wild. Like yesterday I was literally saw a cardinal, and then they're like flying by me. It's not like me like trying to.

SPEAKER_06 35:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

And then there were two that were literally like playing, like rolling around in in front of each, like in front of me. I'm like, this is insane, like awesome.

SPEAKER_03 36:04

You know, my like science brain, of course, is like, well, should we look up car should car cardinal migration patterns? No, we did not.

SPEAKER_05 36:13

Keep your thoughts to yourself. Whomp, womp, womp. Lady.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

I'm not interested. But it's interesting what you said about like pulling in and focusing on things you don't want. And I talked to Melissa the other day because her book is like killing it. Our friend just just wrote a book and it's in pre-order and it's on Amazon. It's called The Connection Code, and like so proud of her, and she's like so hardworking and does a million things every day on her podcast, and she's writing in the talks and the this and the that. She's working so hard. So hard. And she came over last week. That's why we had a short podcast. You knew her last week, and she just needed a good, good cry and let it out because just so much was going on, and she felt like you know, the people that work for her were dropping the ball and everything was going wrong, and she was like letting it so get to her. And then I talked to her when I was I guess I was in, I guess I was away, I was in Europe, and she got the news about the book. And she was but she was going to Austin and she was this, and I was like, I hope you take a minute and let that sink in. Totally. As much as you were letting the negative sink in, she's like, You're totally right. I'm gonna cry because I'm so happy for her. Happy for her. I love that. And she's like, You're right, like I need to do that. She's like, I'm gonna write a post-it note on my window or on my mirror to remind myself to like celebrate this.

SPEAKER_02 37:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

Why like why do we do that?

SPEAKER_02 37:33

Actually, it's interesting. I just told Chris this because I just saw how um oftentimes people who sell their businesses, who that's the goal for many people, right? Sell your business. And afterwards, many people become depressed. Oh, and it's because like the buildup gives you like these tiny dopamine hits, like ongoing. You hit this, you hit that, this goes well, and you're getting them. You sell it, and you have one dopamine hit, and then it's crashes, you just know more. And so it's actually like, yeah, people like get depressed. And so the whole point is as I was telling Chris this because he's been grinding away this business for like tiny years, and it gets to him sometimes, like he just gets tired, and I'm like, I get it. And it's like the point is that how do you get to the point where you can celebrate where you are and the progress instead of just looking at that end goal?

SPEAKER_03 38:20

Oh, geez, what would he do after after it's sold?

SPEAKER_02 38:23

Well, it's funny because for years we were like work on motive, like what would he have to do? I mean, that's what I would want him to do, like 100%. Like, he's he doesn't even want to really be a long-term operator, but he likes he would do it, he would do it for two years. This is where his like sweet spot is. He like loves like the building part of it, he just doesn't like the managing part of it, and so yes, but honestly, for years we were like, oh my god, you can't not work because you'll go drive us all nuts because he doesn't know what else to do. But now I was like, he would play Padell every single day. He took up DJing. I got him a DJ like starter set like for Christmas, and he's DJing. So I was like, Oh my god, you're gonna DJ, we're gonna have like totally, yeah. I think he would actually yeah, I think a little bit of a break. Honestly, that's what I he keeps saying how he does. He's like, I think he doesn't want to work anymore. And I was like, you just need like a real break. He just needs it.

SPEAKER_03 39:14

I think he probably just doesn't work on this anymore.

SPEAKER_02 39:16

Yeah, and he needs like some time to like be bored again and like get back to like he needs time.

SPEAKER_03 39:22

I mean, it's fine. My sister-in-law, her husband's in banking, and he I guess his company sold or something, and he couldn't work for I don't know if it was one or two years. I don't remember. Even if it was one year, it was too much for him. And he because he had a non-compete or whatever, and they live in New York where they have a house at you know on the beach in Ocean City, like where I grew up, and so he was there all summer with her, and she's like, Oh my god. Yeah, like he needs to go back to work. John needs to go back to work, totally, and he was like, Oh, I'm gonna buy the there's a really cool motel for sale. We should just buy that thing and start a motel. And I was like, John, that's a great idea. And she's like, Stop encouraging him. He needs to go back to New York and go get a job again, like, absolutely not. And I feel like that is what would happen with Chris. Yeah, he would be like, Oh my god. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 40:12

You need to go work on something. You need to go have a project, yeah. But I was like, the thing is, there's so many things you can pour your energy into, right? It's like there's like so many good causes and like volunteer work and like things, like it's just about finding purpose.

SPEAKER_03 40:25

But I think that yes, there's so many things you can put your energy towards. Yeah. But the fact that Chris has literally been like slinging and and promoting parties and been this like go-getter entrepreneur for his entire life. Yeah, like he would miss that.

SPEAKER_02 40:41

I think he would too. But he needs to be like, he needs time to miss it. It's coming. Yeah. It'll drive us all nuts for a little while. We'll laugh about it.

SPEAKER_04 40:49

Kids will be like, get dad out of here. And then he'll start something else.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

But I think he was saying the other day we were walking, and he's like, I think he's like, when I was young, I would look at everything and be like, that's an opportunity. He's like, like, we saw this building we were walking in, you know, where we live is still kind of up and coming.

SPEAKER_06 41:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:04

And so he'd be like, Oh, that would make a cool motel or something.

SPEAKER_06 41:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:07

He's like, now I look at it and I'd be like, that'd make a cool motel, but like, that's so much work. There's so many steps. And you realize you're building businesses, it sounds so like easy. And then you actually do it and you're like, This is hard. There's so many pieces. There's always crisis management, there's always like problems coming up. It's just a lot. And so I think you also learn. So I think he would be more selective. What he hopes is that he would be able to find work that is very purposeful, that he in instead of like working for the outcome for money, that it would be like work that he could do that was fulfilling. Not that this isn't fully fulfilling, but it's a different mindset.

SPEAKER_03 41:42

Well, hopefully he's I don't know, realizing along the way all this hard work is gonna pay off eventually. And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:48

We've been saying it for years. We're like, one day one of these companies is gonna sell. We're still at one day, one day the companies is gonna sell.

SPEAKER_03 41:56

But one day it will.

SPEAKER_02 41:57

And I'll be like, ah, it happened.

SPEAKER_03 42:00

I know, but I I do think that does he think the motive is as good as of an idea that I do? He does. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

And he's talked to so many people that are like, wow, that's a really great idea. I think he would. He would if he had time, if he had time in between, if he could sell a company, have time, and then come on knowing that he was gonna take it on for like two years max and then hire someone to take take over, he would do it. And honestly, I have no doubt that he would make it what it's supposed to be. Yeah, yeah. Part of realizing who you are, and like I'm not really that person.

SPEAKER_03 42:29

It's to like get a company like being like what I'm not an operator, I realize.

SPEAKER_02 42:34

Like, I'm really not. Like, my mind doesn't think that way. It all feels hubby to me, like my to-do list, like I can do it, but like I takes me ten times longer than it would take other people. Like, yeah, I like when I think about it, I'm like, I think that my strong parts are like the whole vision of it and the creation of it, and maybe some part of like the messaging and stuff, but like the day-to-day parts, like that's just not really my strong speaker.

SPEAKER_03 43:00

You know what I mean? I feel like that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

It is okay, and I actually think I'm I'm luckily I'm at a place in my life where I'm like it's better to just know it and like not beat myself up of why is this not working. It's just not really working how it could because I'm not the person to get it there.

SPEAKER_03 43:16

Make you maybe just realize you're just supposed to speak to dead people. We realized this morning that Melanie should just be a what do they call a medium.

SPEAKER_02 43:24

Yeah. I don't actually speak to dead people currently, so don't reach out and ask. I was just told that I can. So if you know, we'll see what happens. This podcast might get even more weird.

SPEAKER_05 43:36

It's gonna be like a call in and talk to your loved ones podcast soon. Here we go.

SPEAKER_02 43:43

September after your retreat. You learn how to. You know, maybe I'll learn in September. We'll we'll see. I could see that. I could see that. You're so in tune. I mean, the good thing is I'm open to it now. I think years ago I'd been like, I can't be that weird. Now I'm like, I'm already that weird. Totally. Are you kidding?

SPEAKER_03 44:03

I was hiding it. No, maybe I wasn't. Maybe I thought I was hiding it. Oh gosh. Alright, maybe by next week when we talk again, we'll have some souls we've communicated with. Oh girl, that's a lot of pressure. I can't do that in a week.

SPEAKER_06 44:14

All right.

SPEAKER_02 44:14

I'm trying to get my own life on track. One thing at a time. All right, friends. Thanks for being here. Yes, we're done for the day. Thank you so much for hanging out with us today. We're really glad you're here. You can follow the podcast on Apple and Spotify, and we're on social at Don't Tell the Kids with a bunch of underscores. Hang in there, mamas. See you next week.