Don’t Tell the Kids… We Said We’d Never Do That

Before kids, we had a long list of things we’d never do — screens at dinner, leashes at the airport, Gatorade at baseball. Then we became moms. This week, Mal and Siobhan get honest about the quiet judgments we all make (and receive), from impatient dads on airplanes to the kindergartner with a brand-new iPhone. They dig into why we over-parent when strangers are watching, how moms and dads parent differently — and why that’s actually a good thing — and the humbling reality that no two kids ever really get “the same parents.” Plus: a dance recital fire drill that proves even the most on-it moms drop the ball sometimes. Grab your coffee, hide in your car, and give yourself some grace.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Back again for another episode. Today we're gonna talk about how much we judge all of you, our other friend. You smell like you're whispering. Are you whispering? Am I whispering? You're like talking about people. I was trying talking about people very, very discreetly. I was trying to use my newscaster voice. Oh, that's what it is. Today, on today's episode. We are going to go all over the place for one second, Melanie.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Thanks a lot. We are gonna talk in circles and laugh a lot. Buckle up and stay tuned. More professional. No, we are going to talk about things we said we would never do as mothers. That we do.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Well, you know, it's funny, we touched on it last week about the cry it out thing. I was like, I would never sound so mean. I can't believe people would let their babies just cry and feel abandoned. That's probably why I sat next to him and did a fake version of Cry It Out, and then the minute I was hiding behind a pillow, he fell asleep. So clearly they are manipulating us. Everyone's right. They're just crying for your attention.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

I think it's so easy when you're not a parent, though, to watch parents and be like, oh, why would you do that? Like, I would never do that. Like all the things. But do you feel like now you do it or before you had kids you would you did it?

SPEAKER_02 1:19

You mean? Before I had kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Yeah. Now, if I'm judging at all, it's also it's also with a lot more compassion and understanding, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:30

I mean, do you really think you're judging though? I don't know if I'm ever really judging.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

I mean, I don't know if judging is the right word, because I don't find myself as like a judgmental person of other people. I'm just hard on myself. But there will be like thoughts that come through. Sometimes, like, like maybe you're like on an airplane and you see like actually this happened. This happened the other day. I was traveling and the a family was getting on. I was already in my seat, and a family was getting on. Wait, from London trip or something. No, no, just Ohio. And the dad was like very impatient with the son, and he's like, like, keep moving, keep keep moving. And then and then the mom sat down next to one son, and the dad sat behind him, and shh, she was explaining, the mom was explaining to the to the child, she's like, someone's gonna come and sit here, so we're gonna have to get up. And he's like, Okay. This one was probably like seven or eight. Okay. And then and then I hear her go, that means don't put your seatbelt on. I was like, and I was thinking, like, okay, like I get why you're frustrated, because to you, you just explained that to him. But like it's connect those dots. But it sounded like it was probably one of his first time flying, and like he didn't understand that meant that he had to not buckle a seat out, you know. I also understood, I'm like, I think it was like early morning and like everyone's tired and you're just you know doing your best.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

I think it goes back to the idea, and I remember I remember like the moment where I realized that I was doing it, and I was like, I'll never do it again. Is parenting your kids, or whether you're doing it like out loud so people hear you saying it and they think you're a good parent, or even just doing things, it's like you're sacrificing your kid for other people. Right. That dad was probably like, let's go, we gotta move because there's a line of people getting on. Does it really matter? Is that extra minute, 30 seconds that it's gonna take your kid to get into his seat really affect everything that much? No, but you'd also don't want to be those people that are holding up the line and you're getting. But there is a you have to remember, like, kids matter more.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Well, yes, and there's like a balance there, right? Because you gotta teach them self-awareness, because there are people that have no self-awareness on the airplane and they're like what age? I mean, I think that starts young though. It's like like you don't have to be mean about it, but you can say there are people behind us, so let's try to keep moving or something, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Yes, you can explain those things, but do and and maybe it'll sink in eventually. But I also think that I mean, is it I remember reading like some study where they were talking about the kids' brains up until like the age of seven, that it's like they're on an acid trip all day long. Totally. So does that concept really click in their head? I don't know. Maybe, and I guess you can start young, but sometimes I'm just like, whatever. Because they're older than that now. I was saying when they were little. I'm just like, yeah, fine. But I do like they're kicking the back of somebody's seat. Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Oh my like unacceptable. That's you can't let them do that.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

You can't, but they're also kids and they're trapped and they're kicking, and they have bodies and energy in their bodies that they have a hard time controlling. So what I just started doing was controlling the environment around me, and I would literally buy everybody drinks. The robe ahead of me, the robe behind me. Oh my god, you might be in for a rough guy ride, guys, but maybe these drinks will make up for it.

SPEAKER_01 4:53

And everyone's like, yeah, all right, I get it. So then would you, if Ilya was kicking the seat in front of her, would you not correct her? No, of course I wouldn't. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

But it would make maybe make me feel less embarrassed or like less like I'm trying to have to start yelling at them because I've already liquored some people up, so it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

That's an interesting thing. Anyway, I think that I that's what I realized early on. I was like, sometimes I was overparenting because I was afraid of being judged by other parents. Yes. And I was like, I can't do that. Like, I don't care what you think about me. I'm gonna I still have to do but what what I think is right in that moment.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

Yeah. But did you did you start to think that? Did you always know that with the kids, or was there a moment- I remember there was a moment at the playground, and I was like, I've seen these people again? What do I care what kind of parent they think I am?

SPEAKER_01 5:35

I think I realized it more when I was with my parents, because I was thinking like that I was supposed to parent like they parent, or that they were gonna judge me, and then I was like had to have like really sit with myself and be like, no, like I get to choose, and if they want to judge my parents parenting, that's on them. That's not for me to take in, right? But I realized I was doing it with other people too, but more probably people I know, less with strangers. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

But that's now after we have kids. So go back to the original question. Like when you before you had kids, do you remember something that you remember thinking, oh my god, I would never do that.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yeah, it's multiple things. Like leashes, the people, the parents who have their kids on a leash. I mean now you're okay with them? No, I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with it. I kind of get it at least. Like, I seriously do get it. I'm like, sometimes I'm like, it's better than losing your kids. Like, I mean, is it the best? Is it my way? No, I never put a leash on my kids. But I'm like, at least you're not losing them. You're doing your best. If this is your best kid, okay, I get it. Your kid might be a runner. You gotta run her.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Gotta run her. I can't tell you how many times I lost Ilia. I believe you. She's probably a runner. And I, you know what? I just remember I I would I would look around where we where we were, like and where I'd lost her. I'm like, what's the most interesting thing I can see from here? That's always where she was, when there was like a catamaran sale. And I'm like, she's probably on that catamaran, you know, 500 yards away. Shows what she saw and she just walked towards it.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

So, like, if you would have leashed her, I would have gotten it. Like, you're like, how many times can you lose her until like it's your problem? You didn't fix it, you know?

SPEAKER_02 7:11

You're right.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

You know there's a problem. Why are you not fixing it? Why are you not leasing her? Is more of the question. I'm mad at you for not leasing her now. Even now at 11, you're like, why is she not on a leash?

SPEAKER_01 7:23

No, I love her free spirit now. It's a little, a little less dangerous. Yeah. But or I remember thinking like, um, like going through the grocery store and like seeing little kids holding phones and watching something. And honestly, I've done it, like in a in a moment where Brooks was like losing his mind, and I just needed to finish grocery shopping without which looking back, I'm like, I could have figured that out without it, but but I didn't, you know. So yes, I did judge prior. And then I think you live through it and you're like, whoa, this is way harder than it looks. And sometimes you just are like so done, you just need to get to the next moment. Yeah, and you still have life to live.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Like, you still have to grocery shop. Yeah, you still have to do pickup. Right. Still, yeah, the iPad thing for sure. Yeah, what did you judge? Did you judge prior? You know, I feel like maybe I'm still judgmental about the phone thing.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

I guess actually, I have a little piece of me that is. The boys were just telling me how a kindergartner has like a brand new iPhone at our school, and I was like, I don't even know who the parents are, but I did immediately feel slightly judgy.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

I know, and it's funny because it's like probably like the parents' old one that doesn't even work and the kid uses it as a toy or something. You know, the kids don't even know. I guess that you know, I do find myself judging when I see kids like guzzling down like multiple Gatorades, like a baseball or something. I'm like, first of all, it is baseball. Do you really think this kid needs electrolytes? Unless you just hit a home run and ran the bases and then sprinted around ten other fields. That's the only reason in baseball. Well, you know, I'm always like, I can make natural electrolyte drinks to bring. And Jockman was like, Mom, you're so embarrassing, right? No, whatever. One Gatorade, fine. But some I feel like the food stuff sometimes I'm a little Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Well, I've done that too, because when you see a kid who's literally like blue from like their nose to their cheeks, and they're running around like a crazy person, and the parents are mad at them. I'm like, okay, but like it's your fault. Yeah. Like, don't give them the blue dye, and they probably won't be assholes.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

I always say that about the food and about phones, where I like joke, I'm like, that'd be like giving your kid a crack pipe, being like, here, but be good. Yeah. Take a tiny mess. Be good. And also don't get addicted and don't want to do it again. Yeah. Not have it anymore after that. So don't ask. Yep. Don't be too crazy and fucked up. Yeah, and sit quietly.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

No, sit there. I mean so true, right? Shit. I guess we are a little more judgmental than we thought.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Yeah, I do I do think before I had kids always being like, oh my god, I would never give my kids iPads at the table at dinner or any of that. And it's and my it's funny, my parents, I was like, What did you guys do? She's like, we just never went out to eat.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Yeah. We didn't go out to eat a lot either. And if we did, it was like you had crayons and a colouring book and you just figured out.

SPEAKER_02 10:12

But that but I think that's also part of the issue is that the attention span is so much shorter.

unknown 10:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

That when you're but you know, I mean, our kids aren't really like phone kids, so it's it's I don't think it's up that the comparison might not be there. But when we were in London, that and I brought all those like coloring stuff or whatever I had packed for the plane ride, and the kids were completely content. Yeah. I mean, those little hangman pieces may or may not have ended up like all over the floor and being like shoved in each other's noses at one point, but like who cares? It was a $5 hangman set. If I lose all the pieces, I lose all the pieces.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

No, you were good. I've I used to do all of that stuff, and now I'm like, my kids are like old enough where I'm like you can sit at a table and have a conversation. Usually sometimes I bring cards, which they enjoy, but you were you were good to bring it. They it is nice, like, especially for Ashton. I mean, he has only eight, so I think he gets like swept up with the older ones. Yeah, he does. Yeah. But I mean, I never really got into that, like going to dinner and giving them iPads. I can't say that we've never done it, but like we really don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

I think every once in a while maybe I would have them as like a break-in-case of emergency. If it's like the end of the meal and it's starting to turn insanity. But I think you just have to manage your expectations. If you're gonna go out to dinner with like your five-year-old and an eight-year-old and your husband, you probably have to realize you and your husband are not gonna talk to one another. 100%. You're gonna be entertaining children the whole time. You're there because you didn't feel like cooking and maybe you wanted some good food.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

And maybe you need to go earlier than you would normally go because the kids have bedtimes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:39

And every you know, whatever everybody's doing their best, I guess. That's that's the thing you have to think of. It's like maybe that's somebody's that's somebody's best.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

And you know, I always remind myself that we as parents have different priorities, right? Like you and I care a lot about food. Like we understand the importance of it and how it affects behavior. Not everyone even subscribes to that. Not everyone believes that what you eat affects your behavior. And, you know, maybe those parents are way more interested in academics and think we're failing our kids by not sending them to these rigorous schools, you know?

SPEAKER_02 12:12

You send our kid to a school that at the graduation yesterday they did a whole 10-minute mindfulness breath work. Right, exactly. I bet your school didn't have that.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Yeah, and so like I'm sure, you know, we could be judged for things that like aren't as high on our priority lists.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

So we all choose, we pick and choose.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

And it's funny because you know, Michael doesn't have kids and he's still around a lot, and he's so judgy. That's so easy then, right? It's so easy to be judging when you're having a kid. I'm like, how about you do it? Yeah, you want it, you think the kids need a chore chart?

SPEAKER_01 12:44

You you do it for me and give it to me. Oh my god, we talked about a chore chart when we first started this. Did you ever make one? No.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

But I don't have a dishwasher. I can't tell you the last time I washed dishes, maybe like a couple times in the last few months when the you know the kids are at school and I just didn't feel like waiting for them to get home. Jacqueline leaf blows every morning. Ilya vacuums the house. Like they do have things that they have to do. It's just listen, I think I could do that a lot better. And it's not wrong, but to your point, the priorities thing. Yeah. Like that's just not, unfortunately, the actual charge word is not a priority for me right now.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

It doesn't have to be, unfortunately. I'm not here to judge you.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

I think that But I get it. I do think that them having like a list and chores and things they're responsible for is very important. But just because it's not written on a chart doesn't mean they don't help around the house.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yeah. And that's maybe better, actually, because like my kids have expectations also, but like if it's not explicit, then they don't think they have to do it. It's not like they would like be like, oh, this blanket needs to go back in the basket. Ever. Like ever gonna do it. Not on to do it. Mom did not tell me exactly what to do, so therefore I don't have to do it. Put pants on?

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Was it on the list? Oh well.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Oh my gosh. I think I think that's what's like so interesting, though. It's like you really can't ever judge unless you walk in someone's shoes, which is why, like, if you don't have kids, just don't judge people with kids because it's just not fair. You can observe and you can like have really interesting insights if people are open to hearing them, which not everyone is is open to receiving. But if Michael could say the things that he wanted to say to you in like a loving way, of like, hey, just notice this might be helpful. Is there a way I could help you do it? It would feel very different than you should make them do chores than have a chore chart. Well, that's like very feminine.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

So Chris wouldn't say that either way. In my dream world, he does. Your dream world?

SPEAKER_02 14:43

This is my fantasize about. Like, oh, maybe whispering courage and nothings into my ear.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

It's like please. How can I support you today? Oh, tell me again. Oh God.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

I got even more nerdy. Who would have thought? Is that possible? Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

It's always possible.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

But I think it's also interesting to remember that, like, in the moment, like, you know, we're all doing the best we can. And like, you don't know what's going on in someone's life. So the moments that were, you know, the dad that was short with his son on the plane, I was thinking as like, I don't Chris is short with our kids plenty of times in patient. Impatient. And like, I don't know what's like, I don't know, you don't know, we don't know what's going on in his life or what what they were traveling for or how stressful, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

No, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

And so it's like people, strangers can get like one glimpse into your parenting or into your life that cannot even be an accurate description of how you or representation of how you parent at all.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

If you if you find yourself like snapping on your kids or something that later you're like, oh, I really overreacted. Do you talk to them about it later and apologize? Always. Yeah, me too. You too. Yeah. Did you grow up like that? I mean, I don't think I remember like explicit like apology, but I also really don't remember my parents ever like yelling at us. Oh no. No. Which it's funny because my brother and my sister are like, really? Oh, you just don't remember it.

unknown 16:11

Maybe I blacked that out.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

Like my like childhood memories are like taking all the pots and pans out of the cabinets and having parades around the house and like outside chasing chickens and like happy commune. I don't know. That's awesome. I do remember nights because my dad worked during the day and my mom worked nights. And nights that my dad had us, I think he just didn't even know what to do with us. And I remember it like it was obviously like a joke, but him just chasing us around the dining room table with a wooden spoon and like threatening to hit us. I think that was his way of like wearing us out. He never hit us ever. Maybe he wanted to, and it's a way to get his aggression out, not actually my parents. No, yeah, never, no, no, I don't, I don't really remember moments of that. But it's funny now that my dad's gotten older, and I think he's like, you know, kind of can be like a cranky-ish grandpa sometimes. But don't you wrong, he's amazing. The kids love him. I mean, it's now like this funny thing, the kids just like poke fun at Poppy, and but like sometimes he gets a little like snappy and mean with the kids, and he's always trying to like parent them and teach them lessons, but it's in this like kind of aggressive way. I'm like, you're not their dad. That's not your job. Yeah, like I want you, like, I don't know why I always have this vision in my head. I never had a grandfather growing up.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

So I never experienced that. And my vision of like what a grandfather was. Literally, I can picture it in my head. Do you remember the scene in Cinderella where the king is dreaming and he's jumping up and down on the bed with the little kids, like his grandkids that he's like envisioning that Prince Charming has with whoever this, like, you know, missing princess is. And I'm always like, that's the grandpa I had visioned, that's the grandpa I wanted. And the grandpa always envisioned my dad being because he was so fun and lighthearted and loving growing up, like he chaperoned every trip that I ever had. He dressed as Santa Claus every year from the entire elementary school. Wow. And he's so funny and playful. And then I'm like, why do you get this like need to teach the kids and tell them what to do? Like, just be the fun grandpa. If they want a cookie, just say yes. Give them all the things I say no to. Do you think that that is because George doesn't live with you? I think maybe. And I had a conversation with them where I'm like, Dad, you're not here enough to take that role. So instead, the few times they see you, and then over the summer, instead of being fun poppy, you're the one that's always telling them what to do and trying to show them exactly how to do things. Yeah. I mean, we do call his Instagram handle, is actually May I make a suggestion, because that that's what we made years ago when Instagram first started, because that's his line. You could be like opening a jar. Oh gosh. Uh, may I make a suggestion? And you're like, What? It's like if you hold the jar slightly at a 45 degree angle while counterclocking, you're like, oh my god, Dad. You're trying to teach you how to open a jar?

SPEAKER_01 19:07

Like, no, you may not make such suggestions.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

But it's funny because most of the times you're like, Krabby's right. It is a better way to do it. No, that's good. At least he's got that going for him. Yeah. But with the kids, sometimes for some reason it be it's this very like know it all kind of, and I'm like, Dad, just stop.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

It's interesting, actually, when you're talking about that, I was thinking that like judging parenting can also happen within an own your own family. Like, like, especially I would imagine being divorced. There's probably a lot of judgment of how divorced parents parent. Would you agree?

SPEAKER_02 19:42

Yeah, I mean, and it's I don't know if like I'm judging George how he parents. I mean, he always gets mad at me because he's like, Oh, I know, only guess, you know, you do everything, I do nothing. I'm like, George, that's not really the point here. Right. The truth of the fact is they're with me 95% of the time. So the idea that I do do do, do do everything is just implicit because they're with me all the time. Right. And I'm like, you get them on the weekends when it's fun. Like he used to, he was taking them like every weekend last year before we left for summer. And I can when we came back from summer, I was like, we need to figure out a different schedule because it's not fair. I just have to be me and mommy all week that it's like homework and sleep and running all the errands and going to sports and blah blah blah. I was like, and then you get them on the weekends when it's fun.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

That's fair.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

It's like I don't get to do any of that.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

So now, now I, you know, it's kind of, I mean, I don't know. It started kind of every other weekend and then went whatever. Now it's just like whenever people are free. So I mean, it's nice to have that. That no one's fighting over like, it's my weekend, not your weekend, which has always been great about. I think that's something that we've done well, that it's not like fighting over who gets the kids and when and if it's good.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

But when you guys were married, did you fight over how you parented?

SPEAKER_02 20:54

No, because again, he just worked all the time. I was just with the kids. Yeah. It wasn't which is like, I'm the mom, that was my job. But they were so little, so it's not like at that at any point George was like, oh, Giacomo should be more focused on yeah, whatever. I mean, he's definitely like, did he train today now with baseball and everything? Did he train today? Did he do his did he do his warmups? Did he train? Did he train? I'm like, ask him. Right. I don't, that's his job to make sure he does that. He's 13. It's not my I'm gonna wake him up and tell him to go train. If he wants it, he wants it. Yeah. But I don't know if that's what I'm judging, really. I mean, there's times where I've said to him, like, hey, don't tell Ilya, because she told me not to tell you, but she can see your messages you're sending girls at night. So turn your phone the other way. And I'm not like judging, I'm just more like, think, dude. Yeah. Oh god. Yeah. My mind goes off in places I don't want to go. No, I'm like, she's like, well, you know, he's old and blind, so his words are really big. I can read them. Giant sexting now. Luckily, I don't think it's really sexting. It's more just like, hey, we're going out tomorrow. Who knows? But I'm like, I'm George. Just hide them. Right. This age, you know, they take the phone, they put on music, they're yeah, you know, especially because they don't have their own devices. They're on it, but I don't. I mean, do you think Chris judges or you guys judge each other? I think you guys have good like separation of roles kind of, which is nice.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

I agree. I was like, I don't think so, but maybe, maybe in the earlier phases. Like now I'm like, okay, I just know. Like it's just different. Like we are laughing about, well, I've told you this before, but when I was I was leaving for Ohio to go to my grandma's memorial and I had to go by myself, which is the whole long story that we don't need to get into. But anyway, Ashton was like, How many days are you gonna be gone? And I was like, three nights, and he's like, that's a lot of cereal. And then like I talked to Krista one night, it's eight o'clock on a school night. The kids are in the pool, and he's making chicken nuggets for dinner. And they had chicken nuggets and chips for dinner at like 8 30. And I'm like, but I wasn't judging because I'm like, this is just like how it's just different, right? Like I said, I laughed with him afterwards. But in the early phases of our parenting, I probably would have been judging slightly. And he was probably judging slightly for my overparenting.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Which he might still slightly think, but not in like the same way, I think, as I think that we've like grown into knowing that we just do things differently and they need both, you know?

SPEAKER_02 23:18

Yeah, but I mean that is an interesting idea because you know, they're like, oh, make sure before you marry your partner that you are aligned with how to raise kids and how to I'm like, I don't really know if that is true. How do you know anyway? You don't even know until you're a parent. I don't even know until you're a parent. And I also like really feel I know we talk about this whole like masculine-feminine thing a lot, and I know there's all sorts of extenuating circumstances, and but the male figure is supposed to be different than the female figure. Agree. They are not, you didn't carry this baby. You're not nursing a child. You're like, that is not, there's no way that they can have those feminine feelings. I mean, it's like chemically inside of us. There's parts of our baby's DNA that live in our brains forever. I know, it's so cool. Like, that's insane. Our breast milk changes d depend on what antibodies they need. Like you our bodies are different. We are different. 100%. So to think that you're gonna parent the kids the same, you're not. And I don't think that's what kids need. They maybe need a little bit more discipline and you know, organization and tough love from the dad. Yeah. And nurturing and loving and caring, and you know, you're like, my way of caring is making full breakfast in the morning. Right. Chris is like, you don't have to do that. Just give them cereal, they're fine, and they get sent off.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Yeah, and neither are not true, right? Yeah, it's like they both can be true, and we're just choosing to do it different.

SPEAKER_02 24:38

Exactly. So I don't I don't agree with that. Like, parent the same, make sure you all have the same ideals and you're gonna react the same to everything because you're not.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

You're not, and anyway, you're never going to because there's so many circumstances around that anyway. It's like even if you have the same thing happen one day versus another day, and it's the same person, it could be me, but whatever's going on in my life, I might react differently. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

Who's the um, I think I may have we may have even like talked about this on a previous podcast, but I still like love this thought. Um, what's his name? The old Gabor Mate, or how do you pronounce it?

SPEAKER_01 25:11

You're asking me. You're asking the wrong person. Uh phone a different friend.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

Yeah, I do need to phone a friend. I feel like I need a phone a friend on every one of these podcasts. I'm like, I kind of remember this thing I read. Hang on, let me ask somebody. And I'm like, nope, got nothing. But he talks about he's in a podcast with somebody at an interview, and and the person he's talking to was talking about something that happened in their family, and he's like, and the guy was saying he was surprised by how differently he and his sister reacted to the same scenario. And he's like, you know, we had the same parents, the same upbringing. And the guy's like, but you didn't have the same parents. And he's like, Yes, yeah, yeah, yes, we do, the same parents. Like he's like confused by the he's like, Yeah, we did. He's like, No, you didn't. He's like, Your boy, she's a girl. There is no way that parents parent the same, even if they tried. They you they don't, you can't. He said, and your sister was born two years before you, or you know, whatever, whatever it was. It's like you're they change. So not to your point, not only is it all right, this scenario happened on a Friday versus a Monday, and you maybe reacted differently because your fuse was shorter or your day was different. Yeah, it's the fact that as we grow, yeah, you're gonna react to all these things so differently. 100%. And maybe that kind of goes back around to like judging people and giving people grace and realizing people don't always react the same way to every situation. So when there's that mom that's like freaking out on their kid and you're like, oh my god, like why? You're like, who knows? Maybe it's the tenth time that that kid has done whatever they've done and then you've lost it. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

And you know what? It's not our job to get it perfect. Like, I think that we all like like for years I had this high expectation that I had to get it right and I was holding everything together and like the world was gonna crumble or something if I fucking can't do it. Yeah. And I'm like, that is not even healthy for anybody. Like, I'm not even modeling something that I want them to take on, right? It's like the fact is, it's like I'm human, I'm gonna fuck up. You're probably gonna be in therapy because we all need it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm doing the best I can legitimately, and like every day, I one thousandth decision, like it might go downhill. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

I had like kind of a not not an argument, but George and I were talking this morning about, you know, kid and baseball, and well, like you know, Jock Mo's baseball schedule is crazy right now, and he's a tournament in Palm Beach this weekend, and initially George said he would take him. The game's at 8 a.m. on a Friday, he's a doubleheader. And then a couple days ago he's like, Actually, I can't. I have work. And I was like, All right, well, I also had a work meeting scheduled all day. Yeah, but because I don't go into an office, you know, it's always my job to change my schedule. And then we always had the argument where he's like, Well, you're so you're so smart, you should be a CEO, you should be making more money than I am. Like, George, who else who would do this with the kids? Right. And then it turns into this, oh, I know, you do more than I do. I'm like, I do. There's nothing, there's nothing to be said about it. They're with me. I do do it more. I'm like, George, but you work really hard and you financially provide, and that's that's great also. Yeah, but it's so necessary. And then and I just said to him, I said, listen, I I just feel like especially it's the end of the year, it's been really crazy. There's so much going on. I'm trying to put everything on the calendar, I'm trying to organize this, I'm trying to figure out where this kid goes to here, and everything. And you know, I know we've talked about this before of all these decisions that need to get made every single day. And you're trying your best, but things fall through the crack. Like they do. Did I tell you I almost missed Illy's dance recital on Saturday? No. What? Oh my god, then this is what happens. Like there's so much going on. Graduation yesterday was at two. I got the times mixed up. I thought her dance recital started at two o'clock. It started at noon. Oh shoot. They were supposed to be there at 11. I thought they were supposed to be there at one. You know, they'd be there an hour early. I'm in the middle of a nail appointment with Ilya. It's like 11:30. Varuna, Ilya's responsible friend, calls. And Michael FaceTimes me and was like, hey, where's Ilya? And I was like, oh, we're just getting our nails done. We'll be there around one. And she just went silent. She's like, it starts at noon. Oh my god. I was like, oh my god, I'm getting reprimanded by an 11-year-old. Oh my god. I was like, oh my god, what? She's like, we should have to be here at 11. It's 11:30. Mind me were in the grove. Oh. I had to go all the way up to I don't even know where it was. Did you leave with your nails half done? The girl had the she had like two nails left that she had to do. The girl had to like, one of them fell off because the girl didn't even have time to like heat, whatever they gel it on or something. I don't even know what it is. And she got there at like 11:57, two minutes before the show started. And it was just, and you gotta love Illya though. Illy's like, Mom, it's fine. She's like, I go on second, but that dance, that dance isn't even good anyway. I don't even care. She's like, my second dance is much better. Oh my gosh. That's so stressful. It's like, yeah, you get your clothes. Luckily, we had everything in the car. Right. I don't know why. Oh, because she had dress rehearsal the night before. That's the only reason we had everything in the car soon.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

Thank God. Maybe that's why they do dress rehearsal just so the parents are prepared.

SPEAKER_02 29:59

The girl's trying to finish her nails. I'm doing her bun at the same time. And it's just like goes to show you. It's one of those things where I'm like, when you have too much happening, it falls through the craft. 100%. We didn't have it on the calendar. Like in my head, it was like it's two o'clock. And it's like George was at two. I told my dad I was at two. So nobody was like. I was like frantically calling people, like, meetings at 12. I can't believe everybody made it there by 12 o'clock. That was like a serious fire drill. That is a fire drill. But if anyone feels bad about themselves for, you know, missing calendar meetings or games or whatever, yeah, their end of your show that they've been rehearsing for for months. We almost missed the whole thing. And see, it'd be so easy from an outsider to be like, how could you? And then the dance teacher was like, Ilya, you are seriously late. Seriously late. She could be yelling at it. I'm like, did you tell her I don't drive? Right. Blame my mom. Yeah, exactly. They're like, blame my mom. Yell my mom. I always think that the kids get to school late and getting yelled at by the teachers. I'm like, dude, did the teachers say they had anything to do with this scenario?

SPEAKER_01 30:58

Okay, Brooks sometimes needs yelling at, but other than that, I think it's a fair, fair assessment.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

Yeah, maybe sometimes they could have their stuff together better. But then I also think we could probably do a better job prepping them and showing them and teaching them that like executive functioning. Like I was on a call with um Ilya, the two the woman who owns a tutoring company that Ilya used this year, and I was telling her she's going to uh Miami Arts Charter next year. And she's like, Oh, I, you know, we have a lot of kids that go there. She's like, for Ilya, I would really recommend two different backpacks. Because they have A Day and B Day, which I didn't realize. So it's like on A Day, you have these classes, B, you have these. And there's like no overlap. You know this and that. I think their dance, obviously, they do every day, but besides that, she's like, you should have a separate backpack for her. An A backpack and an A backpack. Oh. It's like, I should, and then in my head, I'm like, I should probably ask Claude other ways to help keep my daughter organized, going to a bigger new school next year.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_02 31:53

Because she's just all over the place always.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

And it's like, okay, you're trying to teach her, which is amazing, at something though, that isn't your biggest strength. I know. Right? So it's like you've gotten through life, you're fine, you're great, you're an amazing person. And if that's not her biggest strength, it's not yours either. And like life goes on, right? It's like you do the best you can. I'm not suggesting you don't try. Yeah. But it's also like just re reality.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

I'd be curious to ask my parents in terms of school, because I always did well in school, like, did I seem organized or scattered? Because I guess I don't obviously remember elementary and middle that much, but I do just remember, you know, high school and college that I was a crammer and never studied. I crammed, yeah, but I always I always got straight A's, I always got good grades. Yeah. But I that's how I studied.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:41

It's like frantic cramming.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

Which sounds terrible, but it worked for you.

SPEAKER_02 32:45

Yeah. So it's when I'm like, does it do does everyone really need to be this organized? And you know, I give her such a hard time because her room's always dirty. And not dirty, but you know, there's stuff everywhere, constantly. Yeah. It's like we clean it, and the next day I'm like, how did this even happen? But I remember my room was a mess, a colossal mess, that I would have to just make like clear holes to put my, like to step, like footholes to walk in. But my dad's like, your room was a mess, but you knew exactly where everything was. Yeah, which I think is different with Ilya. Yeah. Where I'm like, all right, well, where are the shorts you're looking for? She's like, well. I'm like, well, that's the problem. If it's like organized chaos, okay, but if you can't even find your stuff, then you're trying to buy new stuff because you just can't find your stuff, that's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

Right, totally. I mean, I guess going back to the judging thing though, it's interesting because it's like people judge each other for all different reasons, right? Yeah. And really what it comes down to is what when we don't understand that people are just different than the way that we do them. So it's like someone could judge you for being disorganized or whatever, but yeah, but like it's just because they they don't understand, they don't live their life like that, right? And maybe that seems unappealing to them, but really, first of all, who gives a shit because it's not your life? Like, you know what I mean? And so why are we bothering to judge anybody ever?

SPEAKER_02 33:57

But I feel like sometimes, like, you know, my you'll walk into my house, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm like, there's a dirt bike in my living room. Like the galler looks like a homeless person was sheltered in there. And like, and if I were to have someone come to the house, like I would actually feel a little embarrassed. So I'm like, if if it's things that I'm just not good at, I'm like, oh god, I wish it was a little more straightened up in here, it's not always like that, but there's days where I'm like, oh my god, this place looks like a bomb exploded. And I would be embarrassed if somebody came in. So why don't I just not let it get to that?

SPEAKER_01 34:29

Because it just hasn't been a priority. If you cared that much, you would. Or if you knew people were coming, you would, right? But when I've come to your house, like I feel like it's always homey feeling and like never, never, I never walked in and been like, oh, this is gross.

SPEAKER_02 34:42

I did have a friend come in the other day and she's like, Why do I take my shoes off when I come into your house if there's dirt bikes in your living room? I was like, I don't know. I never told you to take your shoes off. That's on you.

SPEAKER_00 34:52

That's fair. Seems logical. Just the way we roll.

SPEAKER_02 35:05

That's just how we live. But yeah, no, you're right. I mean, I think it's you might be judging, but we never know what someone else's day is like. And I do think the judging is way less. I don't know, angry.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

I don't know if judging is the word, but you might be like, what the heck's going on over there? I guess that's a good qu a good point. I think the the most important thing we can all do is just have self-awareness around it, right? So like we probably all have thoughts that will come up. Yeah. And then once you really like think, like, what is this thought really about?

SPEAKER_02 35:30

Like that's you know, because are you not gonna be somebody's friend because they're doing something a certain way? Right.

SPEAKER_01 35:35

And like in that moment when I was like having those thoughts around the parents on the airplane, like it's probably like out of protection for the child in my mind. Totally. But then when I think through it, I'm like, my my kids are just fine, and they've been yelled at and they've even short with them, and like, you know, it's not perfect. And so then you like back your way out of being realizing like it just is like being human.

SPEAKER_02 35:57

I know. I will say, and it's not it again, I don't know if I'm judging people, but the one thing that parents say that you hear a lot that makes my like heart drop is when they say, What's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01 36:10

I've heard it, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:11

Yeah, I'm like, it makes me so sad. It's like the one thing it makes me so kids are like, What? How do you how do you even answer that question?

SPEAKER_01 36:20

I've heard even adults say it to other adults, and I'm like, it still makes me cringe, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:25

Well, let's all work to not judge each other.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

Agree. Be self-aware.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

Everyone's doing their best. Yeah. Maybe they need help on the airplane, play with their kids.

SPEAKER_01 36:37

True. Or they just had a moment and they're and we're resilient humans. Like, it's it's gonna be fine.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

I know. I mean, the obviously we're so like soft. We're like, oh, that poor kid just got told not to put his seatbelt on, and we're like, feel bad for him when there's like so much more horrific things. So much more world, but so true. You can't help what your like heart feels.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

No, it's true. I think that, yeah, I think it's just paying attention to it, right? It's like my heart can feel that, and my brain can know that that child was perfectly fine and it's all fine.

SPEAKER_02 37:11

All right. Do your mystery kid out there. Hopefully, we love you. Yeah, don't worry about your seatbelt. All righty. Bye, friends.