"When The Darkness Feels Too Heavy: Suicide"

In this deeply honest episode, we talk about suicide, the pain behind suicidal thoughts, and the complicated grief left behind. Together we explore what happens in the mind during deep despair, how the church can respond with compassion, and how to support those grieving a suicide loss. This conversation is about understanding, breaking the silence, and reminding people that hope still exists.

Transcript

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Welcome back. Welcome back, you guys. Um we've had a little some technical difficulties with the music, but that does not stop us from continuing to move on with our episodes. And so I am excited to have you here on this new episode. Um, this is honestly speaking, alone together, a place where real conversations happen. Some of these conversations may challenge you, some may encourage you, and some may simply remind you that you are not alone. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's talk about the things that matter most. Hi, I'm Erin Sparks, and this is Honestly Speaking, Alone Together. So when we left off with the other episode, um the last episode, I did say that we were going to be coming from um the topic when you feel that your faith is weak. But if you know me, personally know me, then you know that I am a woman who goes by the unction of the Holy Spirit, and there was a more urgent topic that he placed on my heart, um, especially since I and my family have been affected by it, and so um I couldn't override the Holy Spirit and his nudging, and so I went with it. So today's topic, we're going to be talking about suicide. When the darkness feels too heavy. So we're having one of those conversations. Many people are afraid to say and speak out loud. Not as a statistic, not as a headline, but as a real struggle that touches real people. Suicide. So many people walk around smiling on the outside while privately fighting thoughts. They're too afraid to admit. The truth is, though, that more people feel alone in this battle than we realize. So today we're going to talk honestly about what suicidal thoughts can feel like, why people can feel like the world would be better without them, the silent weight people carry every day, and the hope that still exists even in the darkest moments. So if you've ever felt like giving up, if you've ever wondered if anyone would notice if you were gone, this conversation is for you. You are not crazy, you are not weak, and you are not alone. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is bring the darkness into the light and remind each other that our stories are not over yet. So let's talk about it. Number one point the thoughts people are afraid to admit. Many people who struggle with suicidal thoughts never tell anyone. Not because they don't they they want to die, um, but because they feel like a burden. You could talk about thoughts people quietly carry, like everyone would be better off without me. I'm just tired of fighting, nobody would understand anyway. Bringing these thoughts into the open helps people realize they are not the only ones who have felt this way. We can also look fine and still be struggling. Yes, that's true. Some of the people hurting the most look the strongest on the outside. They go to work, they laugh with their friends, they show up for their families, but internally they feel exhausted, numb, or hopeless. This helps people understand that mental pain is often invisible. The loneliness epidemic. How many of you out there? We already had a podcast episode about this. You know, when you feel you are alone, we are more connected than ever through phones and social media, yet people feel more alone than ever. Let's talk about surface level relationships, feeling unseen or misunderstood, the pressure to pretend everything is okay. Many suicidal thoughts grow in isolation and silence. What about the lie that pain is permanent? One of the most dangerous things depression tells people is that the way they feel right now in this moment will never change. But emotions are not permanent. Storms pass, circumstances change, healing happens slowly. So helping people understand that feelings are temporary can literally save lives. And why talking about it matters? Silence keeps people trapped. But when someone hears, I felt that way too, you're not crazy for struggling, you don't have to carry this alone, it breaks shame. So the goal of this episode can be to remind you guys that your life has value, even when your mind tries to tell you otherwise. So I've also done my research since my son's passing, um, because he did lose his battle, of course, to mental health um struggles. And um, this is another reason that the Holy Spirit nudged me to go ahead and talk about this episode and this topic because it's such an urgent topic. So I've done a lot of research, like I said, and one of the things that I researched on was how the brain functions during suicidal ideation. So, first of all, the brain goes into survival overload. So when someone experiences overwhelming emotional pain, the brain can go into a kind of crisis survival mode. The parts of the brain responsible for fear and emotional pain become highly active, while the areas responsible for reasoning and long-term thinking become less active. So instead of thinking clearly about the future, the brain is trying to escape the pain of right now. To the person suffering, suicide can start to feel less like wanting to die and more like wanting relief from unbearable pain. Next, we have emotional pain, it activates the same brain areas as physical pain. So, research has shown that emotional pain, rejection, grief, deep shame, can activate many of the same brain pathways as physical pain. To the brain, that pain is not just in your head, it feels real, it feels intense, and it feels urgent. So when someone is in that state for a long time, their brain can begin searching for any way to make the pain stop. Tunnel vision happens. During suicidal audiation, the brain often experiences something psychologic uh physiologic. This means the mind becomes extremely narrowed, and instead of seeing multiple possibilities, the brain may only see two things. The pain the person is in, and one perceived way out of it. Hope, future possibilities, and solutions can become very difficult for the brain to access in that moment. Another topic is the voice of self-blame that gets so loud. In many people experiencing suicidal thoughts, the brain begins repeating harmful beliefs like, I'm a burden, everyone would be better off without me, nothing will ever change. These thoughts can feel completely true to the person experiencing them, even though they are distortions created by depression, trauma, or extreme emotional stress. So I've also, you know, gone through this as well since my son has passed, um, the blame game, you know, and with myself, um, I've never ever been mad at him. Never. I not once have I been angry at him, but that's not always the case. So I do want to talk on that as well. Um, why we should not blame someone who died by suicide. So understanding the brain helps us see something important. Most people who die by suicide were not making a calm, rational decision, they were experiencing overwhelming psychological pain combined with impaired thinking, much like someone in a medical crisis, blaming the person oversimplifies something incredibly complex. And in many cases, they were fighting depression, struggling with trauma, battling feelings of feeling worthlessness or even carrying pain. They didn't know how to express, they didn't want to be a burden. What they needed most was relief and support, not judgment. And looking at a compassionate way to frame this, um, when someone dies by suicide, it's easy for people to just ask why they didn't just think differently or reach out. But when someone is in that level of pain, their brain isn't functioning the way it normally does. They're not seeing the world clearly, they're trying to escape a pain that feels unbearable. So understanding that doesn't make the loss easier, but it helps us replace blame with compassion. Now, a gentle reminder that I want to give midways into this is if someone listening is currently struggling with suicidal thoughts, it's important to remind you that help does exist and you don't have to carry that pain alone. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, where trained counselors are available 24-7. Reaching out, even if it feels hard, can connect someone with people who care and want to help them get through this moment right now. So, of course, um there are many people out there who are grieving someone who died by suicide. Um, me and my family, um we are as well. Um, so I want to talk about that today, too. Um, losing someone to suicide, it carries a kind of grief that is incredibly complicated. And I'm giving you facts of what I know that I have walked through since losing my son. Um, and also this whole episode is based off of research that I have done since the day he passed um to get an understanding, to get more enlightened on this topic that is can seemingly not be talked about as much or be shamed because of this topic. So I did a lot of studying and research, and then I'll also add it in what I have literally walked through when I lost my son. So, along with the heartbreak, there are often so many questions. Why didn't I see it? Could I have stopped it? What if I had called that day? What if I had said something different? All of these questions I have asked myself, all these questions I'm pretty sure others have asked themselves. The mind starts replaying moments, searching for answers that often never come. But one of the heaviest burdens that we can carry after a suicidal loss is guilt. Many people feel like they should have saved the person they loved. I thought I could. I thought I could have saved him. It's one of the main questions, one of the main statements that I said afterwards. I could have saved him, if only. But the truth is when someone is experiencing that level of psychological pain, what's happening inside their mind is often far deeper and more complex than anyone on the outside can see. We love them, we cared about them, and the fact that our heart still hurts for them proves that. Suicide doesn't mean the person didn't love their family, no, it doesn't mean they didn't care about the people around them, no, it often means they were in a storm so intense that their mind convinced them there was no way out, and that's why compassion matters so much in these conversations, not blame, not shame, just compassion. So for the person who was hurting, and for the people left behind who now have to carry the loss, if you're grieving someone who died this way, please hear this. Your love for them was real, your grief for them is real, and the story of their life was so much bigger than the way it ended. The best way we can honor the people we've lost is not by living in guilt, but by choosing to live with the same compassion we wish they had felt in their darkest moment. So now let's reframe this. Something that has helped many people understand suicide a little differently is this most people who die by suicide don't actually want to die. I thought that was so profound to read that. They want the pain to stop. There's a difference when someone's mind is overwhelmed by grief, trauma, depression, or hopelessness, the brain can start believing there is only one way to escape that pain. But the truth is, what they were really searching for was relief, peace, rest from the storm inside their mind. And when we understand that part, it changes how we see people who struggle this way. Instead of asking, why would they do that? We start asking, how much pain must they have been carrying? That shift matters because suicide is rarely about someone wanting to leave the people they love, they don't really want to leave the people they love. It's often about someone who simply could not see another way to survive the pain they were feeling. People don't usually end their lives because they hate life, they do it because they can't see a way to keep living with the pain. And not only do I, you know, do research still, even to this day, on suicide, um, you know, because of my son and and the loss we have from him, um, I have also dealt with suicidal audiations myself before I lost him, and of course, even after I lost him. So I do understand all of this that I am obtaining in this research. It does make a lot of sense. So the next thing that I want to talk about is suicide and the church, because we can't be ashamed and shame people who walk with anxiety, depression, hopelessness, worthlessness, um, suicidal audiations. We can't shame them. We need to show compassion and we need to make it known that mental health is so vitally important because, as we stated earlier in this episode, people can walk around with a smile on their face and they can be carrying something so heavy because it's invisible to the physical eye. One conversation the church is still learning how to have is that conversation about suicide. For a long time, people struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts inside church walls, it can feel like they had to hide it or have to hide it. Sometimes people can be afraid that if they admit how dark things had gotten in their minds, people would question their faith. And that's what I have heard so much. Where's your faith? Have you prayed? Yes, God is a healer, yes, God is a deliver a deliverer, but there's nothing wrong either with Jesus in therapy or letting someone in that you trust to let them know where your mind is. Hey, I'm walking through a dark season right now. Is we got to stop questioning people and their faith. Struggling does not mean someone lacks faith, not at all. Even throughout scripture, we see people who love God deeply but also experienced overwhelming despair. People like Elijah, who once told God he felt so exhausted and overwhelmed that he wanted to die. Or David, who wrote psalms describing deep sorrow and anguish, their struggles were not hidden from God, and they were not rejected by him because of their pain. Catch that. They were not rejected by God because of their pain. Sometimes the church has unintentionally made hurting people feel like they need to pray harder, believe harder, or hide their struggles better. But the church was never meant to be a place where people pretend they're okay. It was meant to be a place where broken people find grace. Just like a hospital. People go to the hospital when they're hurt, when they're in pain. That's the same way the church should be. That people, whoever, whosoever, come. It was meant to be a place where broken people find grace. Where people can say, I'm not okay, and instead of judgment, they find compassion. Because faith and mental health struggles can exist in the same heart. Loving God does not make someone immune to depression, grief, trauma, or emotional pain. Trust me, I know. And if someone listening today has ever felt like they didn't belong in a church because of the battles in your mind, please hear this. God is not afraid of your questions, He is not shocked by your pain, and He is not distant from you in your darkest moments. The church should be one of the safest places in the world for people who are struggling, a place where people don't have to hide their wounds, but can begin to heal. Jesus never turned away the broken, he moved toward them, and the church should look like that too. So, next segment, um, I want to talk about supporting someone grieving a suicide loss. And I'm writing this uh from a place of where God is is helping me heal um in certain areas, but he also wanted me to touch on support. What support looks like um is is some of the things that I feel that we didn't get, is some of the things that we did get, and so um God wanted me to touch on this and bring it to the forefront because a lot of people just don't know. We just don't know how to help and be there for somebody who is grieving such a deep loss, a tragic loss like this. So when someone loses a loved one to suicide, the grief they carry can be incredibly complex. It's not just sadness, it's heartbreak mixed with confusion, guilt, unanswered questions, and sometimes even shame. And many people who are grieving this kind of loss feel very alone because the people around them simply don't know what to say. So if you know someone who has lost someone to suicide, I'm gonna give you a few things that can truly help them. Don't avoid the conversation. Some sometimes people avoid bringing up the person who died because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing, but silence can make the Grieving person feels even more alone. Instead of avoiding it, simply say, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm here if you ever want to talk. That opens a door. Just knowing someone is willing to sit with them in their pain can mean everything. Don't try to fix the grief. When someone is grieving suicide, there are often no simple answers. Trying to explain it away or solve the pain can unintentionally make them feel misunderstood. Instead of trying to fix it, just be present. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is simply saying, I'm here with you. And mean that. Understand the guilt they may carry. Many people who lose someone to suicide replay moments in their minds. I know I have many, many times. Why didn't I see it? Could I have stopped it? What if I had called that day? These questions can haunt people for years. Remind them gently that they are not responsible for carrying the weight of something so complex. Give it over to God. But remind them that their love for that person was real. Let them grieve without judgment. Grief after suicide doesn't follow a straight path. Some days they may cry, some days they may feel numb, some days they may seem completely fine. And all of those responses are normal. The best thing we can do is allow people to grieve in their own way and in their own time. Continue showing up. Many people show support immediately after the loss, but months later the grieving person can feel forgotten. Grief often hits harder after the initial shock phase. A simple message weeks or even months later, like I was thinking about you today, that helps more than you know. So supporting someone who has lost someone to suicide isn't about having the perfect words, it's about having the courage to stay close to someone who is hurting. So as we close this conversation, which has been a beautiful yet urgent and strong and powerful message that God has given me, um, I want to leave with something important. When we talk about suicide, it's easy for the conversation to turn into questions, judgments, or blame. But the truth is behind every story is a human being who was hurting more than we could see. Someone who laughed with friends, someone who had dreams, someone who mattered. And for those who have lost someone this way, the grief can feel incredibly heavy. Let me tell you, I know. There are often questions that never get answered and moments that replay in your mind. But I'm reminded of this verse, and that is that God is close to the brokenhearted. Compassion has to be bigger than the blame for the person who is struggling, and for the people who are left behind trying to understand. Compassion has to be bigger than blame. And if you're listening today and you're the one carrying the weight, the one who feels overwhelmed, exhausted, or alone in your thoughts, please hear this. This moment you're in right now does not define the rest of your story. Pain can make the future look so small and dark, but that does not mean hope isn't still there. Sometimes the bravest thing a person can do is simply stay. Please stay. Stay long enough to see that life can change. Stay long enough to help find help. Stay long enough to discover that the darkness you're in right now today is not the end of your story. And if no one has told you this lately, friend, the world is better with you in it. So I thank you for being here during this episode and tuning in to Honestly Speaking Alone Together. Until next time, remember that God loves you, and most importantly, God loves you, and so do I.