"Life After Childloss"

What happens after the support fades and the world moves on? In this deeply honest episode, we talk about the lifelong reality of losing a child-the grief, the identity shift, the silent struggles, and finding a way to live again. If you've ever felt alone in your pain, this episode reminds you...you're not.

Transcript

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Hello, hello, hello, everybody. It's Aaron back with Honestly Speaking. Honestly Speaking is a place where real conversations happen. Life isn't always neat, polished, or easy, and here we're not pretending that it is. This podcast is about faith, grief, healing, truth, and the moments that shape us. It's about speaking honestly, about the struggles we face, the lessons we learn, and the hope we find along the way. Some conversations may challenge you, some may encourage you, and some may just simply remind you that you're not alone. So take a breath, settle in, and let's talk about the things that matter most. Hi, I'm Erin Sparks, and this is Honestly Speaking, Alone Together. Welcome back, you guys. Now this episode is going to be on life after losing a child. Um people show up in the beginning, they bring food, they send prayers, they check in, but what nobody talks about is what life feels like after the silence, after everyone goes back to their normal. And you're left trying to figure out how to live a life without your child. Today's episode is gonna be heavy, but it's real and it's necessary. Um gonna be talking about something that changes a person forever, and that is life after losing a child. Um, you don't go back to who you were, and a lot of people don't know that, and um there have been people that I have been around and have have had to have that conversation that I will never be the same person I was before my son died. Losing a child isn't something you just get over, it's something that you learn to carry. Because truth is this a part of you leaves with them, and I have felt a piece of my heart like it has gone with my child. Um, you know, research even shows that parents often feel like they've lost a part of themselves, not just their child, but their identity, their future, their sense of purpose. And I can attest to every last one of those. Um I have had some struggles and has have had some conversations, some real hard conversations with God about my identity and my future, and even my sense of purpose. And let me tell you, God has been been here. I mean, all along, God has been here with me. And you're not the same person anymore. You don't see the world the same way anymore, you don't laugh the same, you don't love the same, and honestly, to tell you the truth, you're not supposed to. Because your life has been drastically altered. Grief doesn't end, it changes. When uh people ask, are you doing better? You know, I'm just I'm really like, you know, understanding that what they really mean is, are you over it yet? You know, and the answer is no. It will I will never be over the loss of my child. Um, because grief like this doesn't end, it evolves. Um, it's been said by grieving parents also that it doesn't get better, it gets different. And I truly understand that saying as well, because um the ache is there. There is a quiet ache that I live with every single day of my life, but it does get different. So some days I can breathe, some days you can smile, and some days it feels like it just happened all over again, and I'm back at that moment that I got the knock at the door. There's no timeline for grief, there's no finish line, and there's no healed version of you. I mean, yeah, God heals, He does, but in the fact of where my heart aches and will continuously ache for my child till I take my last breath, that part is very real. My heart will ache. A piece of my heart will ache until I draw my last breath. It's just a new inversion of new new version of you, of your life when you lose a child. There's nothing nothing else like it because the natural order has reversed. The things that nobody talks about are the guilt, the what ifs, the anger at yourself, at life, at God. I was never angry at God, but that's not always the case, is you know, either. Um, the exhaustion, not just physical, but emotional. Um, many parents struggle with deep feelings of guilt and even question themselves as protectors. And, you know, I can also attest to that because even though my son was grown, um, in my mind I've replayed, you know, what ifs and what did I miss? What could I have done? What should I have done? Um, the guilt, the anger at yourself, um, the exhaustion that I said, you know, we sometimes end up questioning ourselves as their protectors. Um, you may feel like you fail them even when you didn't, and then there's the isolation. Even in a room full of people, you can feel alone. And I have felt alone a lot, a lot walking this journey. Um, it's a journey that nobody can fix. Nobody can fix this. Only God is the one who can walk me through, and some days He has to carry me through. Um life keeps moving even when we don't want it to. And the hardest part is that the world doesn't stop. People keep living, laughing, posting, celebrating, and you're sitting there thinking, How is everything normal when my world ended? That's real. There's even a phrase for it after the casseroles are gone, and that is true. Everybody goes back to their normal routine, and you're stuck in the silence after the funeral. You're you're stuck in that in those moments, and it is very, very hard and challenging. And I thank God that I've even grown from where I was. Um, but it's like I said, it still does not erase the ache that I have in my heart from my child. You know, after the casseroles are gone, that saying, I've heard that phrase before, and that's when the real grief begins, when support fades, and you're left to navigate daily life without your child. Finding a way to live again is wow. Whew, it's hard. Now let me say this gently: living again does not mean forgetting. And sometimes people can get so caught up in seeing people smile again, hearing people laugh again, um, people are going out, they're doing things, they're doing all the things, and sometimes people can forget that you've lost a child or you've walked through deep grief, and that's not the case because I will never forget, never, ever forget that I've lost a child. Because I have a constant reminder. I have this constant, I call it, God showed me the limp in the Bible. Um, the story where Jacob wrestled with the angel or um, you know, all night. He said, I'm not letting you go till you bless me, you know. And I feel like I've done that with God after I lost my son. I've wrestled, I've wrestled, I've wrestled because there are times to be honest, I I didn't even want to be here myself anymore. But in those moments, I had to really, really ask God to help me to regulate my mind because I have a husband, I have other children, I have family, friends, loved ones, I have ministry, I have people, souls attached to, you know, to my assignment. And so I have really had to ask God, God, I need you to help me. I need you to help me. You know, but we don't forget. And living again doesn't mean that you forget. It doesn't mean moving on, it means moving forward with them. Because love doesn't die and neither does the bond. Many parents say the grief stays because the love stays. So what does healing look like? It's carrying their memory into everything you do, speaking their name, creating purpose from the pain, finding people who understand. Sometimes healing looks like just surviving the day, and that's enough. And I've been there before where I'm just thanking God that I survived that day. I thank him for that. So, to the one listening right now, if you're listening and you've lost a child, I want you to hear me. You are not weak, you are not alone, and what you're feeling is real and it makes sense. This kind of loss, it changes everything, but it does not disqualify you in your life from still having meaning. And you know, even in this, I want to talk about my personal journey. Um, it has been hard. Um, honestly, my personal journey has been super tough. Um, not the kind of hard you can explain in a sentence. There are some some things I can't even explain on how hard this has been. Um, but it's the kind that changes you. It changed this changed me. Um there have been days I didn't recognize myself, days that I smiled in public but felt like I was falling apart inside and screaming on the inside. Days where just getting out of bed felt like a victory. Let me tell you, there are days, and still now, still to this day, there are days that I sometimes don't even want to get out of the bed, but I have to pray, Lord, give me the strength. When I'm weak, you are strong. And you know, grief has a way of touching everything, your thoughts, your faith, your relationships, even how I see myself. And you know, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I handled it perfectly, because I know I didn't. I know I didn't up until this point. God has carried me through some treacherous days. Do you hear me? Um there were moments that I questioned everything. Moments I felt angry, moments where I felt numb, exhausted, brain fog, all of the things that come with deep lost. But there was also moments, small ones now, small ones, but they were they're major, where I realized I was still here. I still have a husband, I still have children, you know, and they count on me. And so that's why I have to truly count on God because if not, I probably wouldn't be here either myself. So I thank God for keeping me. I'm still breathing, I'm still standing, and I'm still trying. And that is what matters because sometimes faith is just as small as taking the very next step. And sometimes healing doesn't look like strength, sometimes it looks like survival. So if you're listening and your journey has been hard too, I want you to know this, dear friend. You're not behind, you're not broken beyond repair, you're human, and you're carrying something heavy. And the fact that you're still here, let me tell you, that says more about your strength, God's strength shining through you, than anything else ever could. And you know, we don't I do life after, you know, child loss, because you know, my personal journey has been hard. But just life after loss, period, tragic loss. Tragic loss is is even more because it's suddenly, it's unexpected. You didn't expect it. I didn't expect to get these two men at my door, military personnel at my door, to tell me that my son was not here anymore. I didn't expect that, and uh it's like a day that my world split in two, literally. Life after tragic loss is something nobody can fully prepare you for because the truth is everything changes. Not just your circumstances, you change. The way you think, love, move throughout the world, the days there's a version of you that existed before that moment, and then there's who you are after. And sometimes you grieve both. I have grieved both. The the times, the version of me before, and the version of me now. There are days when grief just hits you out of nowhere. A smell, a song, a memory, and suddenly you end up right back in that moment. Like time didn't move, even though the world did. You know, and and you have people out there that will, you know, tell you to be strong, and that's fine. That's so that's that's okay. But your journey is your journey with God alone. What they don't understand is strength after loss doesn't always look like standing tall. Sometimes strength looks like crying in the shower and still showing up. Sometimes it looks like taking it one hour at a time, one breath at a time. Y'all know my motto, one moment at a time. And then there's the quiet moments when everything slows down and the reality it settles in. They're really gone. That kind of silence is loud. But somewhere along the way, you can start to notice something. Not that the pain is disappears, but that you are learning how to carry it. You start finding small pieces of your life again. A laugh that doesn't feel forced, a moment of peace you didn't expect, a reason to keep going even if it's small. Life after tragic loss isn't about moving on. It's about learning how to move forward with the weight of what you've lost and still choosing to live. Why? Because that weight, I've learned to give it to the Lord. Give it to him and let him carry me. And if I'm being honest, some days I'm still figuring out. I'm still figuring it out, y'all. Like I said, moment by moment. Some days are heavier than others, and some days I feel strong, and some days I don't. But I'm still here. And maybe that's what this part of the journey is about. Not having all the answers, but choosing to stay even when it hurts. So if you're in this place too, trying to figure out what life even looks like now, take your time, friend. There's no right way to do this, no timeline to follow, just keep going. Even if it's slow, even if it's messy, even if all you did today was just survive. Because after tragic loss, surviving is not small, it's everything. Very much so everything. So I want to say this prayer over you. If you are are dealing with this kind of pain, carrying it. God, for every parent carrying this kind of pain, be near to them. Wrap them in peace on the days they feel like breaking. Give them strength when breath feels heavy, and remind them, Father God, their child, their love, and their life still matter. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Amen. Um loss may be a lifelong journey, but so is love. And as long as love is still here, there is still something left in you worth living for. Until next time on Alone Together, you guys be blessed.