"Trauma and Trauma Bonding"

Trauma/Trauma bonding keeps people stuck in cycles of pain and temporary love. In this episode, we unpack why it happens, how it affects you, and what healing can look like. You are not alone. Freedom is POSSIBLE.

Transcript

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Welcome back, welcome back, you guys, to Honestly Speaking Alone Together, a place where real conversations happen. Life isn't always neat, polished, or easy, and here we're not pretending that it is. This podcast is about faith, grief, healing, truth, and the moments that shape us. It's about speaking honestly, about the struggles we face, the lessons we learn, and the hope along the way. Some conversations may challenge you, some may encourage you, and some may simply remind you that you're not alone. So take a break, settle in, and let's talk about the things that matter most. Hi, I'm Erin Sparks, and this is Honestly Speaking Alone Together. So welcome back, you guys. Welcome back, welcome back to Honestly Speaking Alone Together. This is the space where we talk about the things people often carry quietly, the struggles, the healing, the faith, and the journey of becoming whole again. If you've ever felt stuck in a relationship that hurt you, if you've ever wondered why leaving someone felt almost impossible, or if you've ever questioned your own strength because you stayed longer than you should have, this episode is for you. Today we're talking about trauma and trauma bonding, what it is, why it happens, and how healing is possible. And before we go any further, I want you to know something very important, friend. If you've been through this, you are not weak. You are actually strong, and you are human. So what is trauma? Trauma is more than just a bad experience. Trauma happens when something overwhelms your ability to cope mentally, emotionally, physically. It can come from abuse, neglect, loss, betrayal, or even long-term emotional pain. Sometimes trauma comes from big, obvious events in our lives, and then other times it comes slowly from repeated wounds over time. Trauma changes how our brain responds to safety, love, and trust. And then often it leaves people asking questions such as, why do I still hurt? How do I keep replaying things in my mind? How do I feel, why do I feel connected to someone who hurt me? And that leads us into something many people don't talk about enough, which is trauma bonding. A trauma bond, it happens when someone forms a deep emotional attachment to a person who is hurting them. This can happen in abusive relationships, toxic friendships, unhealthy family dynamics, or even manipulative leadership situations. Very true for all the way across the board. The bond forms through a cycle of pain and relief. So, for example, there's hurt, then there's an apology. There's chaos and then moments of love. And your brain begins to crave the relief after the pain. And over time, the relationship becomes emotionally addictive. So even when someone knows a relationship is unhealthy, leaving can feel incredibly difficult. I have been there before in my life, and I do understand the hard part about leaving. Not because they, you know, people want the pain, but because their brain has learned to associate the person with both pain and comfort. So, what are signs of trauma bonding? There are common signs people experience when they're caught in a trauma bond. So let me let me kind of break this down for you. Um, you might feel like you keep making excuses for someone who hurts you. Like the good moments make you forget the bad ones. Um, like you feel responsible for fixing the relationship. Um, leaving feels terrifying, even when you know you should. And you doubt your own judgment or reality. Many people in trauma bonds also hear things like, Why don't you just leave? But it's not that simple because trauma bonds aren't just emotional, they can be psychological and neurological. So your brain literally becomes conditioned to the cycle, and a lot of people don't understand that. You know, why do you keep going back? They're not treating you right. Why do you keep going back? So, next we're going to talk about why trauma bonds feel so powerful. Trauma bonds are powerful because they involve something called intermittent reinforcement. This means the kindness, love, or approval comes unpredictably. And strangely enough, that makes the bond stronger. It's the same principle that makes gambling addictive. You keep hoping this time will be different. You keep believing the person you saw in the good moments is the real version of them. So you hold on, hoping the good will finally stay. But healing begins when we stop chasing potential and start honoring reality. So healing from trauma bonds. Healing from a trauma bond takes time, it takes compassion toward yourself, and it often takes support from people who understand what you've been through. Some steps toward healing include prayer and laying it at the feet of Jesus. That's first and foremost, laying it at his feet, asking him to come in and help you deal and feel and heal from it, um, creating distance from the person who caused you harm, rebuilding your sense of identity and self-worth with God, talking about your experience instead of carrying it alone with someone you trust, of course, talk out, talk it out. Um Jesus and therapy do mix, they go together. They do. Yes, they do. So find you somebody trusted that you trust to talk to and get this out. Learning what healthy relationships actually look like. But one of the biggest steps is this stop blaming yourself. Many survivors feel ashamed for staying. I know I did for a while. I did. But survival often looks like endurance. You did what you needed to do to get through the moment you were in. And healing is it's about learning that you deserve peace and not chaos. Because in trauma bonds, chaos it happens often. But like we said earlier, it is a cycle, pain and then relief, apology and then affection. You know, so here's a faith perspective for you because you know I got to touch on faith. You know I do. I got to, because God has helped me through many, many, many incidents and moments in my life where I formed trauma bonds and didn't even know that I had formed trauma bonds. So for those who hold on to faith, trauma doesn't mean God abandoned you. It doesn't mean that. It means you walked through something incredibly difficult and you are still here. Psalms 34, 18 says, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. God doesn't shame broken people. Let me let me let me let me say that again. Now, people may shame people, people will shame people, but God doesn't shame broken people, He restores them. And sometimes healing begins with understanding this. You are not defined by what hurt you, you are defined by the strength it took to survive it. Wow, isn't that powerful? That is powerful. So when we look at some of these hard relationships, it is hard to leave, they are the ones really that hurt us the most. So now we want to talk about how to break trauma bonds and reclaim your life. How to break them and reclaim your life because it's necessary for you to move on in purpose as the Lord has called you to. First, we have to recognize the bond. The first step to breaking a trauma bond is recognizing that it exists. And this can be incredibly difficult because trauma bonds don't always feel toxic at first. In fact, they often feel incredibly intense, passionate, and deeply emotional. Many people describe it as feeling like they can't live without the person. But what's really happening is that your brain has become attached to a cycle, a cycle of pain followed by relief. There might be hurtful words, manipulation, or emotional distance, and then suddenly there's kindness, affection, or an apology. That moment of relief feels powerful to the one going through it. And over time, your brain begins to crave the relief more than it notices the damage. This is why so many people stay longer than they expect it to. Not because they're weak, but because trauma bonds are psychologically powerful and in the spirit as well. Understanding that dynamic is the beginning of your freedom. Accepting the reality of the relationship, that's a hard one. It's one of the hardest parts of breaking a trauma bond, and that's letting go of who you hoped the person would be. Many people stay because they've seen moments of kindness out of this person or persons, moments where the person was loving, attentive, or remorseful, you know, remorseful. And those moments create hope in our mind. It creates hope that this, hey, this can turn around. If I just try harder, if I love them better, if I'm more patient, you start telling yourself, maybe the good version of them will stay. But healing often begins when we stop chasing the potential and start accepting reality, as we stated before. Not who someone could be, but who they consistently show themselves to be. This isn't about bitterness, it's about clarity because clarity helps us make healthier decisions for our future. Okay, so now creating emotional and physical distance. Another key step in breaking trauma bonds is distance. And I know that word can feel scary, let me tell you, I know, because distance often feels like loss. But distance creates something incredibly important for healing. Perspective. When you're constantly in the cycle of a toxic relationship, it becomes very hard to see clearly the emotions, the arguments, the apologies that keep pulling you back in. But distance interrupts this cycle. Sometimes that means setting strong boundaries. Sometimes it means limiting contact. And sometimes it means walking away completely. Boundaries are not punishment, they are your protection. Protection for your peace, your mental health, and your emotional safety. So now we're going to talk about rebuilding your identity. Of course, it is in God, it is not in what they said, what they did, none of that. Your identity is in God because He said in the beginning that he made you in his image and his likeness. So trauma bonds can slowly cause people to lose themselves. I know this feeling all too well. Your thoughts begin to revolve around the relationship. Your emotions begin to depend on the other person's behavior. And before you realize it, you may not even recognize the person you used to be. Healing includes rediscovering who you are outside of that dynamic. What do you enjoy? What makes you feel alive? What dreams or passions did you put on hold? Rebuilding your identity means reconnecting with you, yourself. It means learning to trust your voice again. And it means remembering that your worth was never defined by someone else's treatment of you. So replacing chaos with peace. One of the most eye-opening parts of healing is realizing that healthy relationships feel different. Healthy love isn't confusing. It's not confusing at all. Healthy love doesn't constantly leave you questioning your worth. Healthy love doesn't create chaos and then call it passion. Healthy love feels safe. It feels steady. It feels respectful. And when people begin healing from trauma bonds, they often realize something powerful. They weren't addicted to love. They were conditioned to chaos. And once you experience peace, real peace, God's peace, you begin to understand that love was never supposed to hurt like that. And I just I thank God for the moments that He stepped in my life and healed me from trauma bonds. And there are still some areas in my life, let me be honest with you, because we're going to be transparent too, that God is still healing me in certain areas where trauma was and what it inflicted on me. And those things I have learned. I have this motto that God gave me, you know, feel, deal, and heal. That's what we're doing. So I have some questions that you know you can just take in, think about, write them down, and ask yourself, you and God, have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have? Not because you wanted the pain, but because you were hoping things would change. Number two, what would your life look like if you chose peace over the chaos you've been used to? If you could speak to the version of yourself who first entered that relationship, what would you want them to know now? So before we close today, I want to leave you with a few questions. Um we just did the questions. I want to leave you with a prayer. I want to leave you with a prayer. That God touch you and heal you in a mighty way, that your eyes are open. Okay. So, Heavenly Father, for every listener carrying wounds from trauma, pain, or broken relationships, I pray, Father God, that you meet them right where they are. Bring peace, Lord, to the places in their hearts that still ache. Bring clarity, Lord, where confusion has lived. And bring healing to the memories that still feel heavy. Father, remind them that their story is not over and their pain does not define them. Holy Spirit, give them the courage to release what has hurt them and the strength to walk toward the life you have for them. One filled with peace, safety, and restoration. God, let them feel your presence close to the brokenhearted tonight. In Jesus' name. Amen. So I want to thank you for being here with me on honestly speaking, alone together. If this episode helped you, consider sharing it with someone who might need it too. And remember, healing doesn't happen overnight, but every step forward matters. So until next time, take care of your heart.