"Canon's Story: When A Cry For Help Is Ignored"

This episode tells the story of my son, PFC Canon Nalls-a young soldier who cried out for help and was brushed off. This episode is a raw conversation about loss, mental health, and the devasting cost of being unheard. Suicide Lifeline Hotline 988. Mental Health Matters.

Transcript

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Well, hello everyone. Hello, and welcome back to Honestly Speaking, Alone Together, a place where real conversations happen. Life isn't always neat, polished, or easy, and here we're not pretending that it is. This podcast is about faith, grief, healing, truth, and the moments that shape us. It's about speaking honestly about the struggles we face, the lessons we learn, and the hope we find along the way. Some conversations may challenge you, some may encourage you, and some may simply remind you that you are not alone. So take a breath, settle in, and let's talk about the things that matter most. Hi, I'm Erin Sparks, and this is Honestly Speaking, Alone Together. So welcome back, you guys. Welcome back and hello everyone. Welcome to Honestly Speaking, Alone Together. This episode is going to be very different. It is time for me to share my son's story. And the title of this episode is called Canon's Story: When a Cry for Help is ignored. This one is personal, is painful. But this one matters more than anything I've ever shared. Today I am telling the story of my son, PFC Canon Knowles. And I need you to lean lean in, friend, not just to listen, but to understand. Because this episode isn't just about loss. This is about what happens when someone cries out for help and they just get brushed off. So Cannon was just not a name. You know, he wasn't just a soldier. He wasn't just another statistic. You know, I need you to know that about Cannon. He was my son. Cannon had purpose. He had strength. And he had a heart that mattered. Um he stepped into service, you know, into something bigger than himself. Um, and he wore that uniform with pride and bravery and with commitment. Um, but behind that strength, there was also a human being. And like so many others, he was hurting. Um, he had gotten married um against against my wishes at the time. Um, they were going to wait until he got back from his tour because he was on a tour in Germany at the time, and they decided to get married anyway. And um, of course, marriage is hard in itself, but when you add distance and just to be frankly honest, not knowing the person, you know, to the fullest, um, it can make it even harder. And so um, they got married in February, and by May, uh, so many things were going south and going sour that um he was told that uh she wanted a divorce. Um, but in the midst of him getting that information, you know, he talked to me a whole lot. Um, we fasted, he prayed, I prayed, I prayed for him, I cried and prayed for him. He literally poured his heart out to me and he told me that he knew that she was his rib. Um, there were also financial problems that he had encountered. Um, one being that there were a couple of times that he mentioned to me that he did not get paid. And that concerned me because, you know, the government is supposed to get paid. You know, that's not an if and or but. They're supposed to get paid. So even from the trauma that that happened when he was younger, um, you know, I've talked about my addiction and, you know, them having to take my children away from me. Um, and that really hurt him. It hurt them. Um, but Kennan was the oldest. Kennan was my firstborn, my first baby, my boy. And, you know, I just thank God for restoring that relationship. But let's be honest, we've talked about trauma, and trauma can stick with you, you know. So it is so important to get out what you need to get out in therapy. You know, we've said it before. Jesus and therapy do go together. We prayed, you know, he talked to me, he opened up to me about a lot of things, you know, and therapy, you know, it it needed to be high on his list as well. But he did something that so many people struggle to do. Um, Kennan had a a suicide attempt in Germany after he was told the information that um his wife wanted a divorce. Um he also told me that he was scolded when um he told her or when she got the call. Um, you know, and and what I want to bring out now, you know, I'm not gonna say any names because um just for privacy and legal matters, um, but the person that um found him, you know, told him that he loved him very much, but he was gonna have to tell. Um, and my brother, who was also in the military at one point in time and got out after his four years were up, um, he stated, you know, for Canada to be careful, you know, because that is a reasoning that um they can, you know, discharge him. And so um he told me that he was fine. Um, you know, you you're not fine really when you come off of a suicide attempt. There's something there, there's a root there, you know. We've talked about that. There is a root still. And Canon was very, very hurt. Um, he did mention to me that he was scolded by his wife, and you know, that that really, really upset me as a mother. Um, you know, and I have have forgiven her. You know, I I have to. That is something that the Bible tells us. We've also done an episode on forgiveness, but Canon's cry for help was ignored. Um, I was told that the higher up in his ranking was told that Canon attempted suicide and nothing was done. Um, but the reports now, the the reports are different, of course, because people have to be covered. But the report said that they did um check on him. Um, you know, and I and I look at that and I'm a firm believer that God avenges his children. So, you know, I'm not mad. I was at first, I was very angry, but now it is to the point where I want people to know that our military men and women, they deserve mental health. Um, should be mandatory. It shouldn't be and shouldn't go off of, I'm fine. You know, that was just a cry for help. If it was a cry for help, then something needs to be done. And also it was said that the hospitals in Germany were full. Um, I have also had other military family that have walked through the same thing that Cannon walked through. And um he actually told me that they sent him home. Um, and so that didn't happen for Cannon. So his cry for help was pretty much brushed off. Um, brushed off so much that even when we had um his memorial service, because seven months later, um, we see that Cannon was not fine because um December 20th, uh, 2024, I had not heard from him, but that was the day that he was to be coming home for Christmas break. Um, I tried to call him, I didn't get him. Canon and I's relationship. That we were two peas in a pod. Let me tell you, let me tell you, that is my baby. And, you know, he was gonna either answer his phone, or if he did not answer, he was gonna text me immediately and say, Mama, call you right back. And he would call me right back. And he didn't do that that morning. And, you know, I got busy because I owned my own shop, and you know, it was around 5:30, and I realized that I hadn't heard from Cannon. And so I called my mom and dad, you know, to see if they had heard from him because he was supposed to be coming home this day. Um, they hadn't heard from him either. And so now my mama heart is is worried, you know. I'm I'm I'm concerned and I'm I'm worried. And so um our house that we lived in then um was literally maybe 30 steps away from where we where we stay. Um, and so my second oldest son came running to my shop and he told me, he said, mom, he said there's two military men at the house. And um my youngest daughter was with him. And I said, Y'all, just stay here. Do just do not come with me, just stay here, stay here. And we took off. I did. I mean, I took off, you know, running my heart is racing, of course, because as a parent, you don't know what you're about to walk into, what you're about to hear, but I knew from TV, from movies, from all of these, all of these things that I've seen, I knew in my heart that it was nothing good. Um, I was just praying, though, Lord, you know, even just the I mean, it's not small, but I was just like, Lord, just let him, you know, be in jail, you know, something done happened. Well, we gotta go pick him up. Anything except for what I was about to hear. And um when I got to the house, um, the look on one of the guys' faces, it just really, really gave it away. Um, my heart was pounding so hard that you probably could see it through my clothes. Um, and they asked me, was I the mother of PFC Canon Knolls? And I said, Yes, I am. And they actually could they come in, you know, and I'm I'm just I'm I'm pacing, I'm anxious, I'm nervous, you know, I don't know what. I'm like, come on, spit it out, what's going on, you know, and they asked, could they sit down? And I, you know, said yes, of course, you can sit down. Um, and when they sat down, the same guy that had this look on his face, it's just a look that parents, you know, people know when they see this certain look. And I knew from his look that it was not good news. And so the other guy proceeded um to tell me that the secretary of the United States wanted to send her condolences um because Cannon was found that morning in his barracks room with a self-inflicted wound. Um, and that just did it for me. I lost it. Um, I fell in the floor, in the floor, you know. I I cried, I hollered, I screamed. No, you know, this is just like every parent's worst nightmare. Um I called my husband who was still at work. Um, all I could get out was Canon is gone, Canon is gone. And he, you know, hung up the phone. I called my parents, you know, told them the same thing, like Canon is gone, Canon is gone. And um they both got there, the house, everybody, you know, started finding out, coming by the house, you know, to check on us. And just from there, it was just kind of a blur, you know. But I thank God for keeping me and my family, my husband, my children that are still here. Um, but the reasoning that this episode is being recorded is because Kennan he did do something that showed he needed help. He asked for help. It looked in a way of the attempt that he did in Germany. And so let that sit for a second with you. You know, he he didn't stay silent, he didn't hide it, he didn't pretend, you know, that everything was okay. Not with me. I knew. I knew things were going on with him. I knew because he talked to me all the time. But for his job and the commitment that he had made to this country, I do feel that there should have been something a whole lot more done. Send him home. You know, I can't go all the way into the military and say, but I do know of people, more than one person that has told me that they were sent home when they got that bad mentally. And to know that Canon had already had an attempt, that alone should have been a red flag for so many because it was so loud that it could not be ignored, but it was ignored. And that should have triggered urgency and it didn't. And we ought to take suicide attempts, you know, suicidal people. You know, Cannon wasn't the kind of person that really carried that on his on his sleeve. Like, you know, he didn't carry those emotions on his sleeve, but he did, he he had an attempt, and that attempt was his cry for help. And because he was brushed off, um, and nobody really came to check on him. Um, it was said in the reports that that people came to check on him, but he was not really checked on. I know that for a fact. Um, and it he was brushed off. So naturally, what do you do when you're brushed off like that? You hide it. You hide how you're really feeling. Um, and that's what that's what he did. He he he protected how he felt, you know, but care should have been been given. Action should have been taken, you know, but instead it was brushed off, you know, and this is the part that's you know that's hard to say, you know, but it has to be said. Um, you know, when someone attempts to take their life, that is not something small. That's not something that you minimize, it's not something that you monitor and move on. You know, that is a critical moment in somebody's life where intervention matters most. Um, but instead, um, Cannon was also put back on duty the very next day, even though it was desk duty. He was still put back on duty the very next day. And that should not have happened either. Um, somewhere in the system, he was failed and that moment was missed. Um, his pain was not taken as seriously as it should have been. And it's that's it's like that with so many people today that are dealing with trauma and struggles behind the scenes, behind the smiles, and the I'm okay. So many people are battling. I have battled that myself where I'm smiling and nobody knows that the internal pain that I'm going through on the inside, and it matters. It matters very much so. And his voice wasn't heard the way that it needed to be. And the truth is that failure should have consequences, real ones, permanent ones, you know. Um, we we scream and holler and say that mental health matters, but too often that's where it stops. It stops and then it's a lot of talk when the suicide attempt actually happens. When it actually shows up, when it's messy, uncomfortable, that's when it's urgent. People don't always respond the way they should. You know, sometimes they'll say things like, You'll be okay, you're strong, stay strong, push through it, you know. And for somebody that, especially a man, I will say, especially for men, that can be very disheartening to hear. And it it can really make you go into um you really just holding it in for real. Um, if you're hearing that, you know, you'll be okay. Others have been through it, you know, you push, push through, you're strong. And um, you know, the chant, one of the chants that he's saying to me that they sing is they're tearing me down to build me over again, you know. So it's a lot of things that go into that. But when someone is drowning, you don't give them those words. You reach for them. And Canna needed someone to reach for him. And instead, he was left in a place where the weight didn't lift, it just carried for months until his attempt was final. Um, and now um I, his family, we live with something that no parent or family should ever have to carry. The loss of our son, sibling, grandson, friend. There are no words that fully explain that kind of pain. It's not just grief, it's not just sadness, it's questions. Um, sometimes it's frustration that I have to take to the Lord and release it to him and give it to him because it's too heavy for me to carry. But it's also heartbreak that echoes every single day. Every single day I have an ache that is a literal ache in my heart that I miss my son so so so much. And I do because I know I know that he needed help. And I will always wonder what could have been different if that help had truly, truly been given. So in this now, mom is gonna be his voice. And here's what I've made the decision about Cannon will not be forgotten, his story will not be silenced, and his cry for help will not go unheard anymore. So now I speak for him, for others like him, for the ones who are still here but are quietly struggling. Because if this can happen to him, it can happen to anyone, and it has. And that means something has to change. Blessed be the change. You know, this isn't about blame just for, you know, just for the sake of it. You know, it's about accountability. Um, because when systems are in place to protect people, you know, they have to actually protect those people. And when someone raises their hand and says, I'm not okay, or they have an attempt, that's also a cry for help that's saying, I'm not okay. And that should trigger real care, real attention, real follow-through, not dismissal, not delay, not silence, because lives depend on it. Lives depend on it. So I want to speak directly to you. If you are listening right now and you feel like nobody hears you, I see you. Your pain is real, your voice matters, your life matters. And even if someone has brushed you off before, please do not stop reaching. Because the right help, the right person can still make a difference. Canon's life mattered. Not just because he was my son, but because he was a human being with purpose, value, dreams, goals, and worth. And I will spend the rest of my life making sure his story does something meaningful. That's why we've started the Canon Legacy Foundation in his honor. That it opens eyes, that it changes hearts, that it pushes people to take mental health seriously, not just in words, but in action. So if this episode has moved you, don't just listen and move on. Share it, talk about it. Be the person who doesn't ignore the signs because someone in your life might be the one moment away from needing you to notice. So God bless you. This is honestly speaking, alone together. And today we spoke for Canon. And I will keep speaking until something changes. Remember. God loves you, and so do I.