The Missing Peace

Why Are People So Addicted to Drama? Breaking the Cycle

• Season 1 • Episode 10

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Why does calm feel boring? Why does silence make you uncomfortable? In this episode, Brooke Benevento and Danielle Griffiths dig into one of the most overlooked addictions in the world: drama. Brooke explains how an unpredictable childhood wires your inner guidance system to crave chaos — and why six out of ten people may be hooked without even knowing it.

They explore how drama functions like a drug — complete with dopamine hits, cortisol spikes, and withdrawal — and why it takes an enabler to keep the cycle going. Danielle gets real about her own tendency toward busyness-as-identity and the powerful communication tool that has prevented countless arguments in her marriage.

In this episode, you'll learn:

  • Why your nervous system can become addicted to conflict and chaos
  • How childhood environments wire us to seek drama as "familiar = safe"
  • The difference between being the drama creator and the enabler
  • Why drama is a manipulation tactic rooted in victimhood
  • How gossip, overthinking, and constant crisis are all signs of drama addiction
  • The simple question that can defuse conflict: "Do you want me to listen or help you fix it?"
  • How to start a "drama detox" — tracking conflict patterns and practicing calm
  • Why choosing peace may mean letting some relationships go
  • The 17-second focus challenge to quiet your mind

References:

  • Episodes 1-4 of The Missing Peace (social heredity foundation)

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SPEAKER_01

So when this inner dialogue, this this nervous system we call it, is in a continuous heightened state, calm will start to seem extremely strange to people. They calm doesn't even exist in their lives. Peaceful relationship will feel almost completely boring. Silence will feel very uncomfortable for people.

SPEAKER_02

How are you doing? Best answer. Amazing, amazing, excited. Um, I've been wanting to do this one for a while. I think we've even mentioned it. Um, so really excited. Um, wanting to get into my brain and other people's brains and wonder why we tick. So the question today is why are people so addicted to drama? And I have a feeling I know some things, but I'm gonna defer to the expert. Um, so to get us started, uh I'm sure people ask that in your in your coaching all the time. Why are people so addicted to drama?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I it's funny because people don't actually know that they're addicted to drama, and it's actually the number one addiction. So usually in coaching, I have to slowly bring that attention to the person and say, hey, there may be some signs here that you are, you know, addicted to this um feeling of wanting to get attention and needing that because of again our social heredity. If you want to go back, watch one, two, three, four, this will explain social heredity. We've kind of laid the groundwork there for you so that when we do talk about it, you can go back and refer to it. But really, uh drama, being addicted to drama is mainly just connected to what society would call the nervous system. And so I I call it sort of the inner knowing. I I the nervous system always sounds so negative to me. I'm like, why do why are we using the word nervous system? Like our systems don't have to actually be nervous, they can be a peaceful uh system. And so kind of using this internal dialogue that you're having with yourself. And what it is, it's basically just communicating. It's a network, it's communicating, and its job is to constantly ask ourselves Am I safe? Am I in danger? And when someone grows up in an environment that is very unpredictable, critical, very high emotion, um, explosive uh of uh you know, fights, um, instability, the body starts to adapt to always being on alert. So when this inner dialogue, this this nervous system we call it, um uh is in a continuous heightened state, calm will start to seem extremely strange to people. They calm doesn't even exist in their lives. Uh a peaceful relationship will feel almost completely boring. It will feel silence, will feel very uncomfortable for people. Uh sitting still, being in a loving relationship, that doesn't feel right. It feels like we always have to be alert and on the go. And unconsciously, because I don't think anybody really wants to create this drama in their life, so unconsciously, what we're doing is we're always creating this conflict. We're overthinking, we're always checking for problems. Um, we're very drawn to the intensity of uh people's behaviors because the body has learned, okay, this is familiar, and familiar feels safe to me. And so that is why the majority of people are going towards that. And a lot of people don't even know consciously that they're doing it. And I've think I've said in a previous episode that it is the number one addiction in the world. And so I would say probably I think it was like maybe six out of ten people are addicted to drama, which is really actually mind-blowing. Um, and we'll get into the other half part of that too later, what actually fuels the the drama.

SPEAKER_02

But um well, I I like what you said about it feels comfortable. And I I I have a very distinct uh memory. I was, gosh, this was almost 20 years ago. I was teaching full-time, coaching full-time, grad student going after my master's, had a two-year-old, was pregnant. I mean, it was the most stressful time of my life. And I remember as I would, you know, get a big midterm paper done or get something uh substantial checked off my list, instead of being happy and oh gosh, it feels so good. My brain was immediately, okay, what's next? What do I need to worry about next? And I remember thinking, that can't be healthy. I'm literally not even taking time to enjoy an accomplishment. I'm already going to the next one. So I think to me, drama and more by by extension, being overwhelmed feels comfortable. But like you said, my nervous system can't keep up with that. And I I mean, we could tie it to a bunch of different parts of our lives, but I definitely that resonated with me when you said that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. And the the other part of that too, that I wanted to just hit on real quick was that drama in in in your life has to be fueled by something. Okay. So if if somebody is creating drama, okay, over something so small, okay. Normally it's something very small. We know it's not about the thing that's small, it's something about something very deeper. But a lot of times, you know, we have the drama needs to be fueled by something. And so the other something is the person that is enabling the person to create the drama. So let's say someone creates drama and there's nobody there to react to the drama. What will happen to the drama? Well, it will die. Dissipate. Yeah. Yeah, it'll it'll it'll go away, right? And so I always try to I sometimes I'll relate to it as like kind of like this inner beast that's in us, right? This this beast, this, this, this almost even like a little child that needs to be seen. Okay. And so if this child needs to be seen, you either have, you know, you've probably heard it, negative attention is still negative attention, right? And so they have learned that if I give negative attention, if I make this, if I blow up, I I I get people to look at me, I create this thing that isn't even anything, then I can get attention from people because I'm starting to feel bored. I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't even exist in this world. I need to feel something. I need that. What we're gonna talk about in a little bit is kind of that dopamine hit. So you have to also understand when we're talking about the person that's causing the drama, there is also another person on the other side that what society will call an enabler. And so if you can also, as you're listening to this episode, I really want you to sort of find out wait a minute, am I the person causing the drama? Or maybe I the am I the enabler that's letting that person, you know, dictate what drama is being brought in. So I think that's gonna be really important too, as we kind of go through some of these things today as well. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

That makes sense. And I think another part of this that I am am convicting myself on is a lot of the avoidance and and the avoidance that comes along with like it, I would rather be in the midst of being overwhelmed and having way too much because to me that signifies a busy life, that signifies a successful life. Whereas if I'm trying to sit in that stillness, like you mentioned, sit in that that piece, it feels uncomfortable. I feel like I should be doing something or listening to something or reading or so. I I think, you know, finding that missing piece is such such an important part. And one of the things I've loved about this journey is that I find myself thinking about past episodes, thinking about advice you've given me or things we've talked about and applying it to my life. And like we've talked about, it's not a one-shot thing. It's a practice, it's something that you have to develop and and create. But yeah, the avoidance one really got me. The trauma and um familiarity one really got me. Um, yes. This I mean, there's just so much. There's so much there. The dopamine hits I'm especially interested in because I think this addiction to drama and, you know, kind of side by side the addiction with social media are huge for pretty much everyone that doesn't have a phone. I mean, excuse me, everyone that that has a phone. Um, it's just, you know, this thing. We're we're in the zombie apocalypse. You look around at restaurants and four or five people are sitting at a table and they're all looking at their phone. And it's just, it's it's a very interesting time to be alive right now, I think.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. And and a lot of things about well, another thing about drama is that it's it's sort of a manipulation tactic to also for one to sort of like position themselves as a victim. So drama is usually very victimizing. And another one thing that really helps is that if if you can get somebody to understand that they are not a victim in their situation and and really take validation for themselves, you can really kind of switch that their paradigm fairly quickly because nobody wants to be a victim. You know, you want to be a victor. You don't want to be a victim in in society because being a victim, you don't you're never gonna go anywhere, you know? And so so I think it's really huge too to really start to say, okay, if I'm causing drama, am I playing the victim part? You know, and what what is it, yeah, what is it about being the victim makes me feel good about myself? And these are just questions, like you said, it's just awareness. It's it's so much awareness about yourself and really being able to just continuously look in the mirror over and over again, you know? And uh drama is is is a painkiller. It really is, you know, it's something that we that we look at and we're like, okay, I'm I mean, instead of, you know, maybe, you know, doing drugs, shopping, uh, you know, uh, alcohol, these are all addictions that we have, you know. And so um drama is just is just another numbing, another way to numb, another way to just get that dopamine hit, right? Like you said, like it's just this, it's it's this familiar, it's it's it's really honestly, it's a drug. That's what it is. It's a it's a drug that we can create. And and normally unconsciously that we do it, you know, it's kind of like when you reach for that glass of wine that you need every night. This is the same thing. If you don't reach for that glass of wine for two or three days, what's gonna happen? It's gonna bottle up and then you're probably gonna binge because you haven't had it in so long. And so that's kind of what drama is. It kind of just builds up and builds up and builds up, and then it the the longer you allow it to build up, the the stronger it's going to be when you actually take that that that action to want to get that attention. Yeah, it's very interesting, actually. Yeah, it is. It's very, very interesting.

SPEAKER_02

I was thinking early on in my my uh relationship with my husband. I remember we were this was back when I think it was Vogue or Cosmo, like was the magazines were really big. And I remember reading to him from an article, and it said something to the effect of when women are wanting to vent, they just want someone to listen to them and maybe say something to the effect of that sucks, or yeah, that's a rough day. Whereas men, and this was what was in the article, men hear someone that has a problem and they want to fix it. And so it was talking about how women get offended that men are like, What have you thought of? And they try to give constructive advice. And so I distinctly remember this because it was something that has really helped over the last 25 years is when I'm having a bad day or there's something I want to vent about, my husband will say, Do you want me to listen or do you want me to try to help you fix it? And at first I almost got a little offended, like, oh, you don't want to talk to me? Like, you know, what is this about? But it's such a powerful communication tool to say, This is what I need from you right now, and being on the same wavelength. So I just wanted to um that probably has prevented, I don't know how many fights, just being able to make that little distinction. Yeah, thousands probably.

SPEAKER_01

But I I yeah and and I and I agree, like as a beat a coach, you know, you you also have friends that are also your friends, and they call you and they want sometimes they want to vent. And sometimes I have to say the same thing. Are we venting or are we are you wanting me are you wanting to to actually have like can you know some some and it's a clarification, it's not like an insult. No, it's not, it's not. It's like, hey, am I a friend or am I being a coach right now? You know, and it and and it's just asking that person, what is it that you're really what is it that you're needing from me right now? If you need to vent, I am here to I am here to listen to you vent and go off. Sometimes I've got to vent too, trust me. So, you know, I and so I think in I think in not even only like marriages, but like friendships too, you know, to say, like, is this a time that you just want me to listen? Because sometimes I think that's where the drama can come in too, right? Is when we're not understanding what people want. And then this whole big old thing gets blown up because somebody was like, Well, I just wanted you to listen to me. It's like, oh, okay, sorry, I thought you wanted me to help you fix the problem, you know? And it's like, no, no, I I know what the problem is, you know, it's just I need to talk, I need to talk to somebody about it. So yeah, no, I do love that. And I think that, you know, Seth and I do use that as well, and it does help a lot. You know, sometimes I'll say, I and sometimes I say it to him. I'm like, is this a you telling me how you feel session, or is this a you want to fix the problem session? And um, yes, it has helped so many times that that we don't get into arguments for sure.

SPEAKER_02

A hundred percent. I love that because it's so rare. I hear people fight all the time, and I'm like, huh, what's that like? I'm sure it was a little more tumultuous early on in the relationship, but yeah, always you get to you get to learn each other's cues and when to let the other person kind of you know relax and not be in their dish. And I think yeah, you that's that's part of part of the process.

SPEAKER_01

And I think you kind of run you run out of stuff to fight about. You after you fought about everything, you're like, what else is there to fight about? You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02

I think sometimes in a in in a relationship, you know, kind of getting the blood flowing, it feels exciting. But yeah, as you get older, and that's I think I'm at that point in my life where I don't want drama. I just like a day without drama is awesome and relaxing, but inevitably our society is not set up that way. Our, I mean, sex sells, violence sells, drama sells. And I always have thought, why doesn't the news media, you know, going back to episode one that we did, why are they not more positive? But that doesn't sell. And it's sad to say, but it doesn't. It it and so I guess what I would ask of your expertise to kind of you know move into the action part of this this podcast. What can people do if they are thriving, if drama is their middle name, if drama is something that keeps them like fueled with that adrenaline or the dopamine hits, what can people do about that just kind of on day one of drama detox?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think I think that first becoming aware that you are you like drama. That that that's that's the first thing, right? Is noticing, am I am I addicted to drama? Do and a lot of people will say, Brooke, I don't like drama. And it's and and I and I understand that, and this is very a lot of this is very unconscious, so it it can be somewhat challenging to even notice that you have it. So one is starting to really just ask yourself, okay, do do I like drama? Do I actually attract it maybe? And start asking this question Do I feel uncomfortable when things are calm in my life? How do I feel? Right? So we're always focusing on, oh, I I don't want drama. Okay, let's not focus on that, but let's focus on what we actually want, what we're saying that we want to create. Because what's the opposite of no drama? Being calm. So let's start to ask ourselves how do I feel? Do I feel uncomfortable when things are calm? And start really being aware of this, okay. Um, do another question to ask Do I always have a crisis in my life? Is there always a crisis? Now, not maybe with me, okay, but maybe with my children. You know, it it when I go and I talk to my friends and I say, uh they how are your kids? Oh, there's always a crisis. Somebody's always going through something. Okay. This is you feeding into this. Now you can be the enabler or you can be the one that's causing the drama, you know, and and I want to stop here and be transparent with you all. When I was started going through this process, I found out very quickly that I was the enabler. And I also was somewhat, I think, addicted to drama because I was enabling the person that was really creating this drama. And I had to, I had to really first become aware and start asking myself, like, what why is it that you're feeding into this? Why is this something that you always need? Right. Um the other thing to ask yourself.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I was just gonna say, sorry to interrupt, but because I view you as as the opposite. Like when we started working together, you were the one that was showing me how to turn that off. Like, I I mean, I know I've I've said it before, but I would be fired up about something that I was dealing with, and you'd be like, that's okay. Or I had to, you know, change our appointment. That's okay. You always just kind of like brought it back to that baseline for me. Yeah. And I needed that. I needed someone who gently was showing me you're getting fired up about something that is not worth it. So I just had to mention that because I appreciate how vulnerable you are, but yes, I see you.

SPEAKER_01

And I am not, yeah, and I am not the same person that I was four and a half years ago when I started doing this process. And that's the thing. And I will not be the same person in another four and a half years that I am today. I am always continuously learning and creating more and more awareness. So um, one day, and even now, I think I look at you and I think, Danielle, you're not even the same person you were a year ago. You're really not. You know, you know what I mean? You're not. And that's the thing. Like we have to that, that's such a, and and for you to say, like, that I don't even recognize you being that person, like that is a compliment for me because it is saying, like, I can actually be vulnerable and say, I was this person, but now I'm not, because I actually did this work on myself and I actually had just so much awareness, so much inner work it takes to do this stuff, right? If you want peace in your life, if you want this calm in your life, if you want to wake up every day and start to create the real life that you want and not be pulled into all this drama, these this is the kind of work that you got to start to do. So so the another thing that you can ask yourself is this um, am I drawn to gossip? That's another one. There majority of gossip, well, all of it is just drama. People just talking about other people. Um do I create do I re-act do I create do I recreate conflict after things start going well?

SPEAKER_02

So let's say reverting back.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Do I how long and this is listen, just like we talked about tracking our cycles, we should be tracking this, okay? How how many times do it does conflict come in my life with my spouse, my children, my coworkers, um people on the internet? Like how many times am I lashing out or enabling the person around me? Okay, start making notes of this. Start saying, okay, wait, I'm in a I'm in a I'm in a situation right now where I feel like I'm not at peace. Write that down. Write down the day that it happened and then figure out well, how many days did it take me to get out of that? And that's the sad part. How many days is it's gonna take you to get out of that cycle of drama? Probably three or four days to calm your, you know, your your really. your nervous system or your inner guidance system down because you're all out of whack now. So every time you start to step into this drama, know that oh my gosh, this is gonna take this is going to take probably three or four days, maybe a week, maybe more of my time, my life to actually get back to my inner guidance system to where I feel calm enough to make, you know, good decisions about what I'm doing to actually create, to manifest what I want in my life because I'm stuck in this hole. So start writing these things down. Awareness is huge. And this will then you can see okay, well, how much conflict did I have this month, right? And when did it happen? What was maybe, maybe it was around your cycle. Okay, more awareness, more awareness. Start really tracking what's happening in your life so you can start to see the patterns that's happening.

SPEAKER_02

And I think on on that note, understanding, I know we've we've mentioned this before, understanding the biggest currency we have right now is where we give our attention. Like look at how many different aspects of our lives from our communities to our jobs to our friends to our family to social media to anything we're involved in. Like that pulls so much of our time and making those conscious choices of I'm not going to waste my time worrying about this or gossiping about this or doom scrolling. And I have definitely started to pay more attention to how much I'm on social media. I love it. I love debating with people. I love catching up with my friends and family. I mean it's definitely got its good usage. But when you look at that uh that hour, you know, how many hours a day and it it your phone will break it down by what you're spending your time with. Oh my gosh, it can be scary and also convicting in the sense that I I don't want to always be on my phone even though I have to for work and all that stuff. Like I want it to be a source of joy and a source of information and not a source of of stress and and drama.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah yeah no it's it's you can get pulled in real quickly with with all the things we talked about with social heredity you know and so yeah so I think that I I mean those are those are the those are the things that I would I would give somebody if I said hey it seems like maybe we have a nervous system and you know you don't want to tell someone hey you're addicted to drama but it you know maybe maybe maybe saying hey it seems like your inner guidance system or your nervous system whichever words you want to use is is seems a little off and so maybe these are the questions that you can start to sit with yourself, you know, and and ask yourself like do I feel calm the majority of my life like if you really want to get to a place where you feel peace on a daily basis like you're gonna have to start practicing being in peace. And I'm gonna tell you doing this kind of work you're gonna have to probably let some people go and it's unfortunate but you're probably uncomfortable but it's very uncomfortable because you you start to you start to not engage in things that people want you to engage in and that's uncomfortable. If they're not getting that dopamine hit if they're not getting that that that drug that cortisol that adrenaline from you anymore well guess what's going to happen? You're no use to them anymore. They're gonna they have to go find somebody else that's gonna give them that hit, right? So if you're the one that's standing there saying that hey I'm not gonna I'm not gonna engage in this anymore like I'm backing up I'm not gonna engage in the gossip I'm not gonna engage in the conflict I'm not gonna engage in any of that I'm gonna stay in my peace I'm gonna stay in my calm I'm gonna I'm gonna walk away I'm gonna hang up I'm gonna do whatever it is that I need to do to keep my peace then that other person will probably fade away because you're not giving them what they want anymore. And exactly yeah and we would and what we really want is especially in the family dynamics the friends dynamics things like this we want that other person to have enough awareness too to say hey something's up here like why is it that they're not engaging anymore why are they not gossiping with me anymore? Why aren't they doing anything? We want to help them give that awareness but you can't sometimes you just can't everyone's on their own path and so sometimes somebody has to just go and and and you know I've I've lost friends I've lost friends during this time you know um as you start to do this your circle gets a little smaller and uh it can be yeah it can be it can be disheartening and you start to think well what is it about me that people don't want to be around but hey you know it yeah it like Jesus says it's the ways of the world you know it's not the way it being the way you know the the way of the world is not the way and that's what this is what he's talking about. He this is what it's this is what main mainly is talking about is don't gossip don't have drama don't enable people to do these things.

SPEAKER_02

So um following the way of the world is not so cool you know people sometimes in the media and Hollywood and everyone else tells us because they they tell us we need that we need that it's gonna make our life more spicy more exciting and again I've have fallen victim to that like you know the the saying in the 90s was save the drama for your mama and my mom is so cute. She'd be like yes bring the drama to me because she's just that type of person. But um I think you know now that I'm I'm a a grown adult we like we tell people all the time be aware it's a process it's not a one-off and look and see how does this make you feel and I one thing I wanted to to mention before we we closed up here is you know being able to focus and you've taught me a lot about this being able to focus on a single thought for I think it's like 17 seconds it's really important people I could do that 17 seconds. So I get my phone out and I, you know, the little like stopwatch timer, I hit it and I just sit there and I try so hard to focus on one thought, a goal just focus on one thing. It is like driving the wrong way down a one way street sometimes because the thoughts just start pouring in oh but you have to think about this and blah blah blah and I look and sometimes it's 10 seconds sometimes it's 20 but it is it is in practice really challenging. So I would challenge people to try to do that. You can call it prayer you can call it meditation all of this I've learned from Brooke and it has made my life so much fuller and happier and dare I say it, um she's helping me find my peace. So um before we uh we're both fighting it together. Yes we are yes we are yes growing this community so yes anything else you want to add before we uh I know we wanted to keep this one a little shorter today.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah we we wanted to Danielle and I are trying to keep these at about 20 minutes. It's so hard because we have so many things to say and so many stories. Yes uh but we also want you guys to be able to listen to these in the car on the way to you know the store and back or maybe you know from getting ready in the morning. Yeah and so uh but we do want to really encourage you all to write in to us and tell us if there's something if there's a question you have or you or you or you guys say hey I want to learn more about that can you dive even deeper into that can you give me more practices for this or I didn't quite understand that. Can you give me more or I have a guest that I want to bring on or or whatever it might be please write into us all the information is down at the bottom um we also have socials that you can follow um we would also we we would love that um this all helps keep this podcast going and we really do appreciate all of you being here um you all mean the world to us uh we love that you tune in and you and you listen to what we have to say and that we really do hope that you're doing these practices at home uh so that you can you can have peace I mean that's really ultimately why we're all here is just to enjoy our lives have fun be at peace uh drama is not uh the is not the way to go I'm telling you once you you once you get out of it and you start to live peace and you start to be what people would say is boring I'm telling you boring's the cool way to go a hundred percent life changing it really is it really is absolutely thank you so much for joining us everyone please be sure to like subscribe share this with someone who you think might get um something out of it and we can't wait to see you next time bye y'all bye