The Missing Peace

Dating, Healing, and Finding the One

• Season 1 • Episode 13

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0:00 | 31:34

What does it really take to find lasting love? In this episode, Brooke Benevento and Danielle Griffiths dive into the world of dating — past, present, and the lessons that changed everything for them.

Danielle takes us through the fascinating history of dating, from 17th-century matchmakers and the origins of the word "date" in 1896 to the rise of the automobile, drive-in movies, and cruising Mooney Boulevard on Friday nights. They explore how dating evolved through the baby boom, birth control, and hookup culture — and how we ended up in today's app-driven landscape.

But the heart of this episode is deeply personal. Both Brooke and Danielle share honest reflections on dating the wrong people, hitting emotional bottom, and the moment everything shifted. Danielle recalls telling her dad she'd never get married — only to meet her husband two weeks later. Brooke shares the coaching wisdom she gives her clients: you attract who you are internally.

In this episode, you'll learn:

  • The surprising history of dating — from 1600s matchmakers to modern apps
  • How the word "date" originated from an 1896 newspaper column
  • Why the automobile changed dating culture forever
  • The importance of healing yourself before seeking a partner
  • How to recognize when someone is truly right for you
  • Why attraction alone isn't enough — character matters more
  • The power of honest communication and setting standards
  • Why trusting your intuition in dating is essential
  • Book recommendation: "He's Just Not That Into You"

Resources mentioned:

  • "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
  • "Where's My Husband" by Ray — the song that inspired this dating series
  • Episodes 1–4 of The Missing Peace (social heredity foundation)

Connect with us:

Have a topic you want us to cover? Want to be a guest on the show or sponsor an episode? Reach out — we'd love to hear from you!

Subscribe so you never miss an episode, and share this with someone who needs to hear it today!

SPEAKER_01

You are going to attract how you feel internally. If you are finding that you're dating those jerks, there's something inside of you that is not quite in harmony. And the more and more that you really get to a point where you're self-respected for yourself and you're happy and you're whole and you know who you are, then the person will just be called in.

SPEAKER_03

Hello, hello. Welcome to the Missing Peace podcast. My name is Danielle Griffith. I am here with my co-host, Brooke Benevento. How are you today, my friend? Doing amazing. Glad to be here. Love it. I love it. Today we are going to be talking about dating. And dating, it's it's been a while, um, but I remember the I remember the highs and lows uh very clearly. Um so wanted to have a conversation about dating, do a little bit of history to start off. Brooke's gonna uh share her expertise that she shares with with her her clients that she coaches. And we're just gonna talk about dating and and how it has evolved, where it's at right now, and how you can find some peace in the midst of uh a dating if if you're in that phase of life. Um so buckle up, we're we're gonna get going. As always, please like, subscribe, comment. We want to hear from you. And uh, we're gonna jump in. So I found, you know, I love going down these history rabbit holes.

SPEAKER_01

Um I found I was gonna say, I was gonna say, we we Danielle and I sometimes send, you know, we send some notes back and forth so we know like what we're gonna be saying and doing. And I what she sent me about the history of dating was very enlightening. So I'm so excited for you guys to hear this because it's gonna be you're gonna, you're gonna learn something that you probably didn't know. So yeah, definitely take it away, Danielle. Tell us all about the history of dating. I love it.

SPEAKER_03

I'm gonna, I'm not gonna pronounce this correctly, but I'm gonna try. So um, the first known dating system, I mean, obviously, we could go back thousands of years. There were different rituals, different traditions, but as far as like the more modern take, I found was 17th century. So that's gonna be the 1600s. And it was established by a group of matchmakers, and they called it the, again, I'm gonna butcher this, Korn Datner. Um, which, and it's gonna spread. France and Britain um are gonna also establish systems to ensure that there was a suitable pool of uh of partners to choose from. So it's kind of like uh like the bachelorette, but hundreds of years ago um that that they were getting set up. And then American teenagers are gonna establish the first dating system. Um, it sounds bad, but it says often finding romance on particular street corners, which, you know, kind of sounded a little weird, but it it made sense because I was thinking about um when I was in high school and even when I was a little girl, I had an older sister that was a teenager. And on Friday and Saturday nights, people would cruise Mooney and they would, you know, you'd have uh, if you've ever seen the movie Dazed and Confused, it takes place in the 70s. They do a lot of cruising. You know, you go to AW, go to different uh spots and kind of post up, hope you see that person you you have been uh thinking about.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So I love I loved I love I loved cruising. That was the best. I um I'm I'm probably about three years behind you. So I I got a little bit of cruising until it got to be a little too dangerous to cruise. Uh things would were happening down on Mooney Boulevard that you know you were like, okay, well, this isn't safe anymore. Um, but yeah, cruising was great. You got in your cars and you would take, you know, you see your people like, oh, stop off at AW or stop off here. Yeah, it was so much it was more or less free, except for the gas.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, like you would just it was, it was a good time. Before then, before we were old enough to drive, I felt like we would cruise on our bikes. Like, do you remember? Like, this is before cell phones where we'd be riding our bikes, and you always knew where people would be because you'd drive by houses and there'd be like six bikes in front. Like, oh, they're there, they're there. Um, so it's it's kind of fascinating. Uh the the the word date. What I found was um in 1896, a Chicago columnist named George Addy uh used the word date in print to describe the working class clerk whose girlfriend was filling her calendar with other men. So that was the the the linguistic origins of date, because she was putting the dates in her in her calendar.

SPEAKER_01

Interesting. And I thought things like yeah, it's so funny how things like that just pick up, you know? When one person calls, oh, she's dating, putting on her calendar. Very interesting. I love that. I love it. Right. So cool.

SPEAKER_03

And I know we've talked about some of the the decades in American history that are very um, very significant, but kind of turning points. 1920s, absolutely. Um, rise of the woman, women got the right to vote. So with the 20s, you're also gonna have the invention of the automobile, at least where it's widespread, where normal Americans are are able to purchase them. And as you get into the 1950s, the highway system is built, over 30,000 uh miles of uh freeways throughout the nation. And think about all the different industries that are going to be created because of the automobile. I mean, gas stations, uh, drive-in movies, uh, drive-through uh restaurants. And with that, it's going to really give uh independence to teens. And I think, you know, so much in our nation is commercialized, like as far as holidays and whatnot. I mean, when you think about it, dating is a commercial act. You are spending money, you're going to restaurants, you're going to events. And so it's really going to kind of romance equals a consumer experience. And so anytime there's an opportunity to make money, it's going to be pushed on. Um I think, yeah, yeah. And you have obviously the baby boom when World War II ended in 1945, all the soldiers and service people are coming back from the war. And you have a huge baby boom. And we know that because every day 10,000 people in our nation turn 65. So we are at the other end of that where the baby boomer uh generation is huge. And, you know, you get kind of the quintessential, um, you think about high schools in the 50s, like going steady, wearing people's pins, like that was all part of the dating ritual. And I think, you know, the last kind of little history bit I wanted to uh share was um from the 1960s to the 1980s, you have a huge uptick in the use of birth control. And that is going to kind of decouple uh sex from only being about reproduction. I mean, obviously it's not just about reproduction, but it's interesting to see how that is going to kind of shape uh shape the the dating um lifestyle and and just what people do to to find a partner. So that's that's the history that I had.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I I love that. That's that's awesome. I mean, I like I like we this is why we started this, you know. I mean, we have we have to know where we are where we are for a reason. And we have to, it's very interesting to really stop and just learn real quickly like what is dating and where did it come from and why do we do it, you know, and what is it all about? And so and so um I definitely think that um Daniel will probably agree with me on this that the dating world has completely changed. Um now we we are able to meet people. Uh majority of people are meeting online, they are not meeting, you know, at uh at functions anymore, they're not really meeting at churches, they're not meeting at bars really. I mean, a majority of people you ask nowadays, how did you meet? They'll say, Oh, we met online, you know, no big deal. I mean, you can meet somebody in, you know, you can be living in Chicago and meet somebody in California and and start dating. And and so it's just it the whole atmosphere has really changed. And uh again, I have not dated in quite a while. We're going on probably almost 20 years of no dating. Danielle hasn't dated in a long time either. 25. Yep. Yeah, yeah. And it's it's a it's bizarre to think about that. Uh, I do have friends that now are in the dating world, and it sounds terrible, to be honest with you. It sounds like an utter nightmare. I'm not gonna lie. Uh, and I don't want any part of it. Uh, but I do uh I did want to kind of touch base on um, I guess maybe how to date successfully um in the the kind of world that we are in today. I think back um back, you know, 40 years ago, maybe even 30 years ago, people were getting married because it was out of survival a lot of times. I mean, that's what you did. You you left your parents' house, you got married to, you know, to go and provide for each other in another home with children. And so a lot of it was about, I think about more of survival, and that's just kind of the way that it was. And uh normally you would you would marry somebody that lived around you or your family knew, or you got hooked up by a friend or something like that. Nowadays it's you know, you can, like I said, meet live in Chicago and meet somebody in California with two very different backgrounds and very different social heredity. Like that's the other thing is, you know, we've talked a lot about social heredity, and you know, when you live in different parts of the world or even in the within the United States, social heredity is very different. And so I think that's something that I I've really learned um through my marriage and is that, and I try to really instill in my children more than anything right now, is that when you start to date somebody or you feel like you want to start dating somebody, it's really important for you to become the person that you're hoping to meet, and that you need to um make sure that you are solidified in yourself and that you love yourself and that you are emotionally healthy and you can take honest accountability and have a growth-minded um skill set for yourself before you start going into a relationship. I mean, I think that that is the most important, important thing is to really heal yourself before you start having active relationships with somebody. I mean, would you would you agree with that?

SPEAKER_03

A thousand percent. And even though it's been, you know, a minute since I've I've been dating, I have very, very vivid um memories of just how challenging it was. And I think, you know, especially we we were teenagers in the 90s. Um, I think hookup culture was being pushed, you know, with like Friends was a very popular TV show. Yeah. Just this idea that you date a bunch of different people and that's normal. And I think, you know, from a female point of view, the hookup culture doesn't, I mean, granted, it's been a while, but it didn't feel good. It didn't feel like I was moving towards where I wanted to be. Um it was almost like what I learned from dating was what I didn't want, because I inevitably there would there was always a moment where something would happen or they would say something, and you'd kind of have this wow, you're I don't know if you're the person that I thought you were. And this isn't to negate any of my exes by any means. Um, but it you get that feeling in your gut that this is not gonna be long term. And people always ask me, well, how did you know when you were dating, you know, and you you married your husband, you guys have been together for 25 years now. How did you know? And I I know it's kind of cliche to say, when you know, you know, but it it felt like he the idea of him not being in my life was what would be weird. It was like, oh, there you are. I've been waiting for you. Because I'm not joking. Two weeks before I started, I ran into my now husband. I kind of surrendered. I was so frustrated with dating, with just the lies, the deception. And I remember telling my dad, I'm never getting married, I'm never having children, like I'm gonna focus on my career. And I remember the look on his face. It was, he was, oh, it's gonna make me tear up just thinking about it. But he's he said something to the effect of, I'm sorry to hear that because marrying your mom and having you kids was the best thing I ever did.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I was like, oh my gosh. Like, yeah. And so it it really was kind of a slap in the face, but I was determined, and then a couple weeks later, run into this guy. And, you know, as they say, the rest is history, but we never know. And I remember I did not want to go out that night. My friend was like, no, Danielle, you've been working too much. We're gonna go have dinner and stuff. And then I happened to run into um my now husband. But it's it's almost like that surrender and me not thinking about it was what I needed.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and we're gonna talk about this in a in the next episode. We're gonna talk about um manifesting or creating or calling in or attracting your your spouse, uh, you have the love of your life, really. Well, so stay tuned for that one because we're gonna go into that. That's gonna be really exciting. And uh, I always say, never say never. I swear the minute you say never, God pops something in and you're like, oh, yep, okay. I lied about that, I guess.

SPEAKER_03

Uh it's yeah, it's hard to deal with when it's happening, but like in hindsight, you're like, Oh, okay, I see what's going on here.

SPEAKER_01

Yep, exactly. Um, I think something else too, like for dating, you know, if if you are in the dating world right now, or and and and something that I've looked, I've thought of in the past, you know, from from what I've been through with dating back and watching my friends do it, is that, you know, attraction, attraction can get your attention, and attraction is great. We should all be attracted to the person. Uh, however, sometimes it is a lot more about character. And sometimes we have to uh really understand that uh just because something looks good on the outside doesn't mean that it's it's it's very good on the inside. And I think that that's something that we really need to start looking at when we're dating is this person kind? You know, do they keep their word? How do they treat other people when no one's watching? You know, how do they treat me and and things like that? And so I think it's really inter it's it's really important for for I think people, especially young people, to really start thinking about these things. And um, everyone should really be just you know, raising their standards and having boundaries, I think, with people and really starting to understand like what it means to date and actually find the person that you want. Um yeah, it's it's it's it's a huge thing because you're gonna eventually, hey, yes, have fun with it, right? But if you're the type of person that's in it for wanting to find marriage, then yeah, start asking these questions when you're when you're dating. Start saying, hey, what are you in? What are you what are you in this for? You know? Uh what are what are your what values do we share, you know, and what kind of lifestyle do you want to have? Um, you know, and start really asking them, it what are you what are you in it for? And I think that as humans, we just need to start being really honest with each other and saying, hey, this is what I'm here for and this is what I'm not, and okay, thanks or no thanks. Right. You know, I think that would make it a lot easier for a lot of people, at least that I know are in the dating world right now, is for people to just be upfront and honest and just say, hey, this isn't this isn't jiving, this isn't clicking, you know, and I think the other person on the other end just being really uh uh acceptable to take that in, you know?

SPEAKER_03

So right, right. And and keeping everyone to a higher standard. I think, you know, I I think there is a double standard. I know we've had a a conversation like this before where, you know, women expect men to be, you know, the breadwinner and to be a stand-up guy, and they have this checklist, but I would flip that over and say, okay, what are you bringing to the table? Um, you know, you you have these these high expectations, which is great, but do you have them for yourself? And that's something that I, as an adult, have had to work on. I'm not the same woman I was 25 years ago or 10 years ago or five years ago. I've grown and it's, you know, I know we're gonna talk about marriage in in a uh an upcoming episode, but the dating part of my relationship with my husband was so fun. So fun. It was like it was like, you know, the heavens parted because this guy would show up when he said he was going. If he said he was gonna call it seven, he'd call it seven. And I know this sounds horrible, but I was not used to that. I didn't know it could be like that. I thought people always played games and you know, like the movie Swingers, where they're like, you can't call for five days because you don't want to be too needy. Like when when you get into a relationship that is is good and true, like it it it is phenomenal. And it will um I guess he made me believe in love again. And I know that sounds kind of mushy, but I was I was at the point where I did not believe.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. There was actually someone out there. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. There's this there's this great book that I read probably, gosh, man, before I started dating my husband. Um, it's called He's Just Not That Into You. And I think they actually made a movie out of it too. But um the movie, the movie, yeah, the movie doesn't even do the book justice. Like you've got to if you're in a I'm I'm telling you right now, if you're in the dating dating scene right now, you have to read that book. It's in a phenomenal book. Um, I think that I think everyone should read it. Whether you're a man or a woman, you should read this book. It really talks a lot about um how people treat you and how to distinguish whether they're really serious about you or not. And depending where you are in your life, it will show you okay, if if if he's doing this, if she's doing this, then this is just a no. This is a straight out no. Let's just walk away. And um, and and you know, because I know back when I was dating, way back when, you know, I dated a lot of a lot of really mean guys at first, you know. I always wanted that, I don't know what it is about us some of us women want the bad boys. Good looking jerks. I don't know what it is either, you know, and and we date these these guys that are just not not nice. And then, like you said, one day you just you you're like, forget it, never mind. I'm never dating again. Forget it, I'll be single forever. And something switches in your brain, and well, again, uh, you know, that is also you kind of stepping up. I think you get to the point where you're like, I'm not gonna take anything less than what I know that I'm worth. And that's why I always say to people is that you are going to attract how you feel internally. So always like if you are finding that you're dating those jerks or you're calling in those, those, those people that aren't very healthy for you, there has there's something inside of you that is not quite um in harmony. And the more and more that you really you know get to a point where you're really self-respected for yourself and you're happy and you're whole and you know who you are, then you will just the person will just be called in. Like it it they'll they'll just appear because you you've you've come to the point where you're like, I'm not gonna put up with this anymore. I'm going to I know that I'm worthy. And um, if there's nobody out there, then I'd be better off being alone. So, and then all of a sudden, you know, stage three door opens and you know, here comes Mr. Wright. Absolutely. Yeah, so it's it's really all about your internal values and who you are. That's what I truly believe. And I think that if I think if more people did that, um, I think especially women, I think if women really sat down and really just took maybe some time off for themselves and did the internal work, they would find that uh they would their lives would be um a lot easier and uh they wouldn't have to have all of these dating struggles, I guess we could say.

SPEAKER_03

No, I I agree. And I remember just feeling so frustrated. And I I I think I asked my mom, like, what's wrong with me? Like, yeah, like, am I doing something wrong? She's like, Nothing's wrong with you. You just haven't met the one. And and I remember her telling me, you need to pray for him. And I'm like, Who? I don't know who this person is. And she said, just pray for your future husband, which I did. And I like to think maybe he was praying for me also. Um, but yeah, it it is. true and you know I'm obsessed with that ray song uh where the hell is my husband or Where Where's My Husband and that's that song lovely video yeah yeah that song I was gonna say this song actually is what kind of prompted all of the next three episodes um because that that that song is that song is everywhere right now I I'm hearing it I'm like okay this is really trending and Danielle sent it to me and she was like have you heard this and I was like I think I have and then I looked it up I thought oh yep I've heard it yep it's everywhere uh so yeah yeah the where is my husband but in where is he in that video yeah she's you know chasing after and it's like a shadow it's a guy walking away but there's a point where someone opens up a book and it says something to the effect of love yourself and love will find you and I thought okay this is a positive message coming through music which I've been waiting for like again I'm a child of the 80s and a teenager of the 90s like some of the music that I've heard over the last couple of years that's popular is extremely degrading to to women to dating to the idea of respecting each other. And so I don't know I just I feel like I feel like the world is tired of the smut and the violence and the hatred and we're we're you know history is always like a pendulum and I feel like we're swinging back to we want to have a good world with good people working hard and doing good things. And and part of it is going to be having respect for yourself, loving yourself and understanding that um you know when you when you find the one and you are are kind of feeling each other out do you want kids do you not want kids like you it is going to be compromises. So that was one thing I I did learn in in my dating years was you're not always gonna get what you want they're not always get going to get what they're want what they want excuse me but it you know there's there's stages we could probably break down the different stages of dating but when you are getting to know someone and you start you know becoming more intimate not just with like the physical stuff but talking about each other's backgrounds about each other's fears about each other's goals like getting to know the person at the core and I'll never forget I remember thinking my husband was the one when something would happen and he was the first person I wanted to tell. I couldn't wait to share that. And so you start yeah so just you know from I think that's a great I think that's a great experience.

SPEAKER_01

Uh no I think that is uh a really some really good advice that you can take uh what Danielle said about if you can't wait to tell the person that you're with what's going on, then yeah that's probably a good indication that you you know might be heading somewhere that um is maybe for the long haul. Uh um if you uh feel like they um are the one that you can't wait to see or I think something that really uh got me when uh Seth and I started dating was like I would walk in a room and the first person I would look for was him. Like I think that that's a really um a good way to really kind of check yourself and say okay when I walk in this room who do I find myself looking for and I ha every time I go into a room it's still always him. If I know he's gonna be there I'm the first person I'm looking for is him. He usually saves a seat for me because I'm usually late but that's not the reason why I'm I'm always looking for him. I'm always looking for him because uh yeah he he is he is my person and he is that safe place. And I think if you feel safe with somebody, I think that that's huge. If they are your the place where you can land uh when you need to land then you know that that it's it's good. So these are just things you know like um another thing too is that I think before we wrap it up here is follow your intuition you know if something feels off if something feels off listen to it. Don't ignore it yeah listen to the intuition if something's feeling off or if something's feeling really good I follow that follow that feeling because uh they always say your gut will never steer you wrong and so yeah just just really live by that compass and and love yourself and uh and it will all the person that's made for you will come straight to you. And that goes for men too you know love yourself find yourself heal yourself you know you want to find you want to find a good woman heal yourself you know become the man that you need to be to help and support her and vice versa with women you know this is we have to really start putting um a lot of this on ourselves first heal yourselves and then find the partner that is healed and you'll find that you'll have such a better uh more peaceful relationship through the years because you are not trying to um extract something from the other person. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Right. And I love your advice about becoming the person that you want to meet. And I think about that myself like I mean we're constantly changing and evolving as people and I think in five years what am I gonna see when I look back? Am I gonna be happy with the choices I'm making and if not I need to change those. So becoming that person um healing before you know healing that trauma um and and understanding not everyone is going to be the same as as the exes like it's very vulnerable to put yourself out there to to be dating and understanding that you know even our mistakes we usually learn from and I I also love how you put normalize um honest communication.

SPEAKER_01

How sad is it that we're not used to that like how sad is it that I was surprised that my then boyfriend was honest and like it but it just really shows we've kind of been um at least maybe this is just me but we've kind of been um programmed to think yeah you know you're you're not gonna be treated well that's kind of uh weird right yeah yeah yeah that it's that whole it's that whole yeah the wholeness in yourself you know once you once you know who you are and you're you know whole with who you are and you you know at the end of the day you know people like oh you know really ask yourself like do you like yourself like do you like yourself would you want to hang out with you would you want to hang out with you if you say yeah then great okay that's great and if and if if you may find some things that say you know you know what I can I can change this or I can transform this or whatever then yeah maybe do that you know but really start asking yourself you know not that do I like him or do I like her or do I like this no really sit and ask do I like myself?

SPEAKER_03

Am I who I want to show up as a person and it will make a huge difference in all your relationships not only your spouse your if you're your spouse or your dating or uh your children your friendships everything everything will morph because everything is coming from the inside out always I think also real quick I know we're gonna wrap this up here but um focusing on the shared values I think is huge because we've learned and if you're new to us make sure you watch the first four episodes on social heredity we really break down why we are the way that we are you you have to find someone that has similar values to you. Otherwise it's there's gonna be so many clashes and if it becomes more serious and marriage is on the table, I mean that's a whole nother thing we're gonna talk about in upcoming episodes but understanding that having those values and I'm not saying you have to match I mean my husband and I definitely don't agree on everything, but we we have some basic core values that he he actually really established at the beginning and then right before we got married. I remember him saying like I just want to do this one time. I want to make sure we're on the same page and for me that was a breath of fresh air that a guy actually said what he was thinking and I was able to to you know take that and know where I stood with him not like does he love me? Does he not love me? Like I appreciated that and that made me feel safe also.

SPEAKER_01

So yeah yeah I love that. Well we hope that if you are in the dating world right now we have we have given you some insight um we have helped a little bit um on their next episodes we're gonna be talking diving into uh how to attract the love of your life this is huge I get this a lot from my clients uh constantly asking me this how do I attract them how do I get them uh another episode that's coming up is all about marriage so we're gonna go into that which Danielle and I I think have a little bit more um you know up and coming now what we're going through. Uh we haven't dated in so long but yeah so uh stay tuned we have so much more coming and uh Danielle do you want to add anything else?

SPEAKER_03

Just we want to hear from you like subscribe uh send us a message send us an email we we love hearing feedback um I've I've had people tell me what they love about certain episodes that it's helped them with this um our whole purpose for having this podcast was to try to share the lessons we were learning with a a wider audience so hopefully you can find the peace that that we are finding and and continue to find. So looking forward to seeing you again soon bye y'all see ya bye