Stop Burning Yourself to Keep Others Warm

In this powerful episode of Success to Soul, Dr. Tanya Prewitt-White explores the emotional exhaustion so many high-achieving women silently carry while trying to hold everything and everyone together. From careers and caregiving to relationships and emotional labor, Dr. Tanya unpacks the invisible weight women often carry and why constantly overgiving can lead to burnout, anxiety, depletion, and self-abandonment.

Drawing from personal experiences, research, and deeply honest reflection, she reveals why so many women feel exhausted despite appearing successful on the outside and challenges listeners to rethink the belief that their worth is tied to being needed. This episode dives into boundaries, emotional intelligence, self-worth, burnout, people pleasing, and the importance of choosing yourself without guilt.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly pouring into others while running empty yourself, this conversation will help you reconnect with your own needs, reclaim your energy, and remember that you do not have to sacrifice yourself to deserve love, belonging, or success. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

If you have it's possible on paper, but it's dusted on the inside. If it's even hasn't brought you the happiness you expected. If there's a quiet little voice that keeps asking, is this really all there is? Then this podcast is for you. Here's your host, executive coach, and guide for high-achieving women, Dr. Tanya Frewitt White.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Welcome back to Success to Soul. I'm your host, Dr. Tanya. This is the space where we shift from who the world told us to be to who we actually are. Today I want to share with you a sentence that might feel a little too close to home. You are not exhausted because life is so demanding. You are exhausted because you keep giving from a place that is already depleted. Pause with that. Because today we're talking about something so many of us women do, and we rarely question it. We burn ourselves to keep others warm. I went to the 1% conference earlier in April, and I remember vividly what Dr. Eric Thomas said. It was this stop burning yourself to keep others warm. And his wife, Dee Dee, stood right beside him, shaking her head up and down. Heidi has MS and seven lesions on her brain. And when it was her turn to talk, she said, just stop. It is killing you. And I can't keep the stress from killing me. But I can tell you to stop so it doesn't kill you two. Let's make this real. This isn't just a quote. This is a lifestyle. It looks like saying yes when our calendar is already overflowing. It's answering the calls when our body is asking for rest. It's taking on one more thing because no one else will seem to do it right or as good as us. Now let's be honest. Sometimes good is good enough. It looks like being the dependable one, the strong one, the one who always figures it out. And from the outside, we look like we have it all together. But on the inside, we're tired. Not just physically. Our soul is tired. And here's the thing: we've created lives that work for everyone else. And we've outgrown our own exhaustion. We have co-created. And we get no permission slips. No one's going to hand them out to us. We are going to have to take back our lives. And here's what's important to understand. This isn't just personal, it's also patterned. Research demonstrates that women, especially in midlife, carry a disproportionate share of emotional and unpaid labor in our households, in our work, and in our relationships. We remember all the things. We remember that our kiddo has banned on Friday morning and has forgotten his trumpet. And so we take it to school like a good mom. Quoting me right there. Maybe you also feel like your life is the social planner for all the hangouts, all the playdates, all the things that your kids want and need to do. And if you are not a mother, maybe you are the social planner for all your family and friends' events and birthdays and holidays. Studies from places like Pew Research consistently show that women spend significantly more time on caregiving, household management, and emotional support in every area of their life. Even when we are also working full-time. So when you feel like you are doing more, it's because you are. You probably are. You have been for years, maybe decades. And then layer on this. Burnout rates among women are higher than men across multiple industries. Not because women are less capable, but because they are often carrying more invisible weight. The remembering, the anticipating, the holding it all together. So let's bring this into your life. You're managing a career, deadlines, expectations, performance. You're managing a household, meals, schedules, logistics. You're maybe raising children, showing up, supporting and guiding. You're caring for elderly parents and making sure they're good and cared for in all the ways they cared for you as a child. And then there are your relationships. The friend who always needs to talk, the partner who leans on you. The people who come to you because you're so good at holding space. And somewhere in all of this, you disappear. This looks like you finally sit down at the end of the night after everyone else's needs have been met. And instead of resting, you catch up on text, you text back the friend, the colleague, you send the emails, you register for the summer camps, you tie up all the loose ends of the day because it never really stops. It looks like you're on the phone with a friend for an hour, supporting her through something difficult while your own needs sit quietly in the background, waiting. It looks like you cancel the workout, you push off the appointment, you delay the thing you said you were going to do for yourself again. It looks like you're the one everyone calls on in crisis. But when you need something, you hesitate. You don't want to be a burden. And over time, this has become your normal. You feel lonely because you're never asking for help. You're used to having no needs met. And gosh, if this resonates with you, I understand. I've been the woman who has told my husband that at one end of the continuum, I wouldn't trade anything about my life. And I'm thankful and grateful. And I feel like nearly the last decade of my life has been all sacrifice on the other end of that continuum. I don't think we talk about this enough as women. And I'm not saying we all feel this way, but if we do, we are not alone. And if you don't, there's no judgment. And this may help you better understand a woman in your life, a friend, a colleague, a sister, who does. But let's be honest, there is a cost. Chronic overgiving and emotional exhaustion are directly linked to burnout, anxiety, and even physical health issues. The World Health Organization classifies burnout as a result of chronic, unmanaged stress. And research shows that when stress is prolonged, it impacts our sleep, our immune function, our mental clarity, and our emotional regulation. So this isn't just about feeling tired. This is about your well-being, your health, your life. So why is it so hard to stop? Because somewhere along the way, you learned that being needed meant you were valuable, that being helpful meant you were worthy. That being the one who shows up no matter what is who you are. And if you stop, who are you then? And there's another layer. Research and psychology shows that people who are highly empathetic and relational often experience reward responses in the brain when helping others. It's that dopamine hit, meaning helping feels good, being needed feels good. So of course we keep doing it, even when it costs us. Especially when it costs us. But here's the truth. We cannot become who we're called to be if we keep operating from depletion. The version of us who is constantly available, constantly giving, constantly putting ourselves last, that version cannot sustain the life we say we want. So something has to shift. Let's bring it back to our actual day-to-day life. We wake up, and before we've even checked in on ourselves, we're already responding to someone else, a message, a need, a request. Our day begins with giving, and it continues that way until there's nothing left. And when you finally get a moment, you don't build your life, you recover from it. And let me be clear: this is not about becoming disconnected. You can still love deeply, show up, support, be present, but not at the expense of yourself. Because that's not love, that's self-abandonment. So what does this look like? It looks like pausing before we automatically say yes. It looks like asking, do I have the capacity for this? We can ask ourselves, is this mine to carry? Because sometimes not fixing everyone else's problem gives them the space to realize they're more than capable. They also begin to have the confidence that they can do it and the self-awareness that no one else is responsible for their life. It looks like saying, I don't have space for that right now. I can't take that on. I need some time for myself and my family. And letting that response be enough. Because here's the hard truth. When we stop overgiving, some people will notice. Some people will be uncomfortable. People will even maybe be disappointed. And there may be tension because they are used to having unlimited access to you, to your ability to problem solve, to fix, and to soothe. But your life is meant to be lived too and doesn't have to be at the mercy of everyone else's needs all of the time, every waking minute. So here's what I want you to sit with. Where are you burning yourself to keep someone else warm? Where are you overextending at the expense of your own precious life? And what would it look like to choose yourself just a little bit more? Because the truth is, you don't have to set yourself on fire to be loved. You don't have to exhaust yourself to be worthy. And you don't have to disappear to belong. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is choose yourself. And if no one else has told you today, you are more than worthy, you are more than enough. I can't wait to see you next time. Thank you for being here, for doing this work, and for choosing again and again to move from success to soul. Bye for now.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

So that's it for today's episode of Success to Soul. Head on over to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes will win a chance to win a grand prize drawing of a value with $10,000 with Dr. Tanya herself. Be sure to visit successtoul.com to pick up a copy of your free gift. You can ask her any question you like in your voice, and she'll answer you back personally in her voice. Then join us on the next episode.