What Version of You Has to Die: The Hidden Grief of Growth

What if the reason you're feeling stuck isn't because you're failing to grow?

What if it's because you're afraid to let go of who you've been?

In this powerful episode of Success to Soul, Dr. Tanya Prewitt-White explores the hidden grief that often accompanies personal growth, transformation, and success. From career changes and major life transitions to evolving relationships and shifting identities, she reveals why becoming the next version of yourself often requires saying goodbye to the previous one.

Through personal stories, research, and heartfelt insights, Dr. Tanya unpacks the emotional tension between who we were and who we're becoming. She explores why growth can feel uncomfortable, why even positive change can trigger grief, and how releasing outdated beliefs, identities, and patterns creates space for a more aligned and fulfilling life.

If you've ever felt disconnected from a life that once fit, questioned a path you've outgrown, or sensed that you're being called toward something more, this episode offers a powerful reminder that transformation requires both courage and surrender.

Because every new beginning starts with an ending.

And sometimes the most important thing you'll ever let go of is the version of yourself you've already outgrown.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

It's taskful on paper, but it's busted on the inside. If it's even hasn't brought you the happiness you expected. If there's a quiet little voice that keeps asking, is this really all there is? Then this podcast is for you. Here's your host, executive coach, and guide for high achieving women, Dr. Tanya Fruit White.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Welcome to Success to Soul. I'm your host, Dr. Tanya, and I'm so excited to be here with you again today. A space where we know success without soul is not success at all. And I want to talk to you about something that's been on my mind a bit lately. And it's death. And honestly, I think in our culture, death gets a really bad rap. But it's everywhere. And so important to talk about. In my book, Peaceful Renegade, I talk openly about death, especially my father's unexpected passing that completely changed me and the way that I look at life. It has helped me realize that when something dies, something new expands, grows, develops. And I've learned to no longer be afraid of death and a culture that shuns it. We don't talk about it. People get awkward when we even bring up the word death. But before I go into it, I want to ask you: have you ever looked around at your life and wondered why it doesn't feel like home? Or maybe a friendship you once sat peacefully in, and now you realize you don't feel yourself fully in someone else's presence, or you're not having the fun, or being seen or supported in the ways that you need today. Or maybe you used to love to get lost in a hobby, an exercise class, or even going to a coffee shop, and you can't explain it, but months go by, and then you go back and you realize, hmm, this really doesn't fill my cup anymore. Now let's be clear, I'm not saying that we throw away or discard everyone and everything that's not working for us in the moment. I am saying it's completely okay to reassess. Because we can't be everywhere, we can't do everything, we can't be accessible to everyone. And quite honestly, we can't respond to every request, every email, every text, every inquiry. We simply can't. We are wise to be intentional with our thoughts, our time, our resources, our energy. And so as we evolve and we grow and we expand, there's grief. There's death. And gosh, there's waves of grief because grief isn't just about dying. It's about endings. It's about new beginnings. It's about things even that we're so excited for. I remember in 2012 when I left my life that I loved in New York City. And I grieved in ways I had never anticipated when I moved to Chicago. New beginnings are exciting, and they're also a realizing of what has been. And let's be real, it's really, really, really hard. And what social media trends and society don't tell us is that leveling up or fulfilling our dreams and doing things that are rewarding requires growth and change and death. But not everyone goes with us or wants to as we grow and we evolve and we change. So sometimes the death is in relationships, sometimes the death is in our ways of being, sometimes the death is in the way that we see the world, sometimes the death is in the ways that we interact with the people or places around us. Sometimes the death is including the death of our previous self. I hosted Return to Soul last week, and gosh, it was amazing. And I'm gonna be honest, we went deep fast, and the women trusted one another and me on the journey, and I'm so grateful. And a lot of them looked at me completely stunned when I said, a part of you has to die to achieve or experience what you are desiring. It sounds harsh, but it's such a loving truth. If we want to rest more, the part of us addicted to achievement or affirmations has to die. If we want more freedom and confidence, the part of us that plays the victim or gives our confidence and power over to other people has to die. And outgrowing our life means outgrowing our previous identities and ways of being. Who you used to be has to die to become who you will become next. We forget so quickly that even a seed dies to become the tree. And gosh, sometimes the most courageous thing we'll ever do is grieve a life that was good enough so we can create one that feels even more true, even more fulfilling, even more aligned with our heart's desire. We so often think that grief comes with life transitions that are unexpected or devastating. But sometimes grief comes with things we've planned, that we've desired, that we know we need to do to become the best version of ourselves. And research shows that major life changes, career shifts, marriages, retirement, relocation, even significant promotional achievements require adjustment and create stress. Every ending and new beginning contains a loss. Even when, especially when, we're moving towards something even more full in our lives. This can help explain why moving to a new city we've always wanted to live in, or why leaving a job, starting a business, beginning a new adventure can feel so surprisingly painful. Because we think, well, gosh, I wanted this. I asked for this. And yes, we did because our hearts wanted more, our souls needed more. This is also why athletes retiring from sport, founders exiting a company, mothers returning to full-time work outside the home, and academics leaving academia, much like I did five years ago, experience grief when an identity they've held for years or decades no longer fits. Sometimes what we're grieving isn't a person or a place. We're grieving a version of ourselves who no longer exists. And the future version of ourself isn't quite here yet. We're living between these two worlds, letting go of who we were and becoming our future self. Our future self hasn't arrived quite yet. And for many of us, this can be disorienting. We can sit there and think, oh my goodness, what do I do? What did I do? And we can grip to our past. But in our past can be despair, can be smallness. But in our future, who we're becoming can be so beautiful. We also know we can't continue to live a life that no longer serves us or who we are becoming. And gosh, if that feels hard, I know. I've lived it time and time again, but the breakthrough always, always happens after the breakdown. Every time. And growth isn't adding more to ourselves. It's often releasing what no longer fits and opening up our hand and saying, What is for me next? When we have the open hand, we can receive, but when we're always gripping to the past, nothing new can come in. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to live with regrets when I take my last breath. And researcher Daniel Pink has found that people's greatest regrets are often not their mistakes, but failures to act in alignment with who they truly are. So many people stay in spaces, in places, in who they've always been, even though they've outgrown them, because they're afraid of regret. They're afraid of the what if. Yet Pink's research suggests our deepest regrets come from not listening to ourselves. That knowing that there's something different, there's another way. And so I want to ask you the question I asked women at my Return to Soul retreat last week. What version of you needs to die so that you can grow into who you are becoming? And then whatever that thing is, that version of you that needs to die, will you have the courage to let her go so you can evolve to something even more, to someone even more. There's a beautiful ache of outgrowing our previous selves. We can trust who we are becoming. She's beautiful, she's strong, she's vibrant, she's fierce, and she is never alone because we are walking hand in hand to who we are together becoming. And if no one has told you today, you are more than enough, and you are loved here.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

So that's it for today's episode of Success to Soul. Head on over to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes will win a chance to win a grand prize drawing of a value with $10,000 with Dr. Tanya herself. Be sure to visit successtoul.com to pick up a copy of your free gift. You can ask her any question you like in your voice, and she'll answer you back personally in her voice. Then join us on the next episode.