Ep. 2: The Obligatory Poop Episode

Episode 2 of the Playing With Traffic podcast, Maximus "Does His Taximus" Trafficus regales us with stories of puking, being bald, and pooping the bed. We really can't stop talking about poop in this one.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Match the audio. Biscuit.

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Diarrhea.

SPEAKER_06 0:05

Donkey teeth.

SPEAKER_04 0:07

Alright, that's all I needed. Boom. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the bonfire. I'm here with the best trafficker in town. And my cute little plaything, Connor.

SPEAKER_06 0:20

Oh, your little plaything. I didn't know you guys were getting so intimate. You know it.

SPEAKER_04 0:25

Just when I start sipping on Bub, dude, it everything's a little plaything to me.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Brings things out, dude.

SPEAKER_06 0:31

Those late night restoration sessions have made you guys closer. Nasty Bub.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

Bubbly wobbly.

SPEAKER_06 0:44

So I had to close my door.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

God damn it.

SPEAKER_06 0:47

Shit, I had ideas for topics for this one and I forgot every single one.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Are you excited for Max Day next week?

SPEAKER_06 0:55

Oh, it's almost Max Day, yes. I am very excited for Max Day.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Yeah, the 13th, I'm pretty sure. It's Max Day.

SPEAKER_06 1:02

Mm-hmm. That's what is it, the third Monday? Um, actually the 20th is Max Day.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

No, no, no. No, not this month. This this month, every every year, it's the same Max Day in October.

SPEAKER_06 1:17

Is that true?

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Yeah, you you sent me, you're already preparing the blood stew for Columbus slash Max Day.

SPEAKER_04 1:23

Yeah, do you not remember all the shit that you've been? You've been sending me a lot of promotional items about this.

SPEAKER_06 1:29

Yeah, the blood boiling, the Muppet Baby, the uh the letters, all the letters, all the things I'm doing in my garage with my buds, meet my friends in my garage.

SPEAKER_04 1:39

You want me to learn Morse code for something that you haven't actually told me what I need to like learn it for yet?

SPEAKER_06 1:45

I'm gonna tell you in Morse code.

SPEAKER_04 1:47

Well, yeah, that's the thing, is like I I'm I mean I am learning Morse code for Max Day, but I just didn't know.

SPEAKER_08 1:52

Dot dot dot dash dot dash dot dot dot dash dot dash.

SPEAKER_04 1:55

You really haven't given us a location either, and I'm assuming that's what's going to be in Morse code. Because like we're getting together to I'm not even asking.

SPEAKER_06 2:03

Do you remember January 6th of 2021, I dare say?

SPEAKER_08 2:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

Nice.

SPEAKER_08 2:12

I remember. I mean, I would just imagine next Monday, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Columbus Day 2025 is James. Columbus Day 2025.

SPEAKER_06 2:20

It's me and my buddies.

SPEAKER_04 2:21

What we've been doing in that garage is gonna be revealed, dude. I was in a garage in Detroit.

SPEAKER_07 2:26

Yeah. Yeah. But we got a little way to travel, so get your new home now.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

You're always saying Columbus is a hero.

SPEAKER_06 2:34

You are.

SPEAKER_04 2:35

Which is wild, which is wild because I'm Native American, you know.

SPEAKER_06 2:39

Yeah, well, I mean, he did your people a service. It's like I can't say that.

SPEAKER_04 2:50

I remember I remember you like the first time I ever met Max, he was like, I told him we were just having a conversation. I was I don't know how I brought up. I don't know how it came up. I was like, yeah, I'm Native American. And he just laughed. And then for the rest of the night, and then for the rest of the night, he followed me around with like this fucking like patchy like blanket, and he's like, smallpox, dude, dude, I got it for you. Like all night you followed me up for like two hours you followed me around with that blanket.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Yeah, I mean he laughed because he didn't even need you to tell him he could smell it through royal blood.

SPEAKER_04 3:23

Yeah, I know last episode we revealed that his fucking parents were Civil War sympathizers or something.

SPEAKER_06 3:29

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what we said at all. They were revolutionary. Loyalists, loyalists, yeah. Yeah, just part of the book.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Junior? Uh no, no, no. JWB, you know.

SPEAKER_08 3:52

George W. Bush?

SPEAKER_01 3:54

No, John, John looks booth. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_06 3:58

Yeah, I've never heard him become an acronym before.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

So I mean, that was uh that was an acronym. George doesn't start with a K though.

SPEAKER_07 4:09

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

George does not start with it.

SPEAKER_07 4:11

Um Bush. Poor AW Bush, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:18

Um Did I ever tell you guys about the time that someone jumped into my Twit in my YouTube chat and his name was Jesus? Um, but I read it as Jesus for no reason, and I went, Oh my god, dude, Jesus isn't Jesus. What's up, Jesus? Because he said hey, he would hey, and I was like, dude, Jesus isn't chat. What's up, Jesus? Everyone say what's up, Jesus. Say hello to Jesus. Because usually I get people in my chat that are just fucking doing caricatures or like role-playing as characters from fiction. Uh after I did that, he deleted his message and never sent another one again. And now I'm starting to think I'm starting to think his name was Jesus. I feel really bad now. Yeah, absolutely. His name is Jesus.

SPEAKER_06 4:57

It could have been. I do know a guy who is Hispanic, but his name is Jesus. It's not Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 5:03

No shot.

SPEAKER_06 5:04

Really? No, yeah. Yep. Wow. Yeah, yep. I also work with a guy who go whose real name is Moises. But just because, you know, white people or white people, he just tells everybody to call him Moses. He doesn't even fight the fight.

SPEAKER_04 5:17

Fair enough. I have a friend. Wow. My my buddy's uh my buddy's wife, her name is Ying Yi. But when she orders at Starbucks, she gives them a white person name because they butcher it every time. I think it's like Jennifer. Or like Sarah.

SPEAKER_06 5:32

It works.

SPEAKER_04 5:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 5:34

You guys ever thought about how in the head you guys were familiar with Harry Potter?

SPEAKER_04 5:38

No. No. I've never heard of that. But uh let me lay it out to you guys.

SPEAKER_06 5:43

So there's like a there's like a, you know, there's like a young boy, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Young, keep the chance.

SPEAKER_06 5:52

Young boy. I just had a belt buckle. There's like a bad guy. Nope. No my belt's on. But there's like a bad guy who like visits him when he's a kid, touches him, boom, he gets a scar on his forehead. And then uh he's like the chosen one, and then magic is real, and they use owls for male, and there are ghosts.

SPEAKER_04 6:12

Hold on, did you just say magic is real? What is that?

SPEAKER_06 6:16

Magic is real in that in the books. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

So evil evil wizard Max visits a baby and makes magic is real.

SPEAKER_06 6:26

Basically, yeah, on Max Day, October 13th, I will be visiting a baby, and Magic Israel will be born.

SPEAKER_04 6:38

We really are setting up We really are setting up a crazy narrative here for Max. Like these last two episodes is just non-stop like painting this man as a complete bigot.

SPEAKER_06 6:49

One day, historically, a brand is gonna reach out to me and be like, hey, we'd love to work with you. And then they're gonna go, oh, never mind.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Oh, never mind. We just watched the first two episodes of the Bonfire.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

This is the guy who made Magic Israel.

SPEAKER_04 7:05

Um, I do want to pivot here. I'm gonna pivot.

SPEAKER_07 7:08

Oh, yep.

SPEAKER_04 7:09

Just completely like actually serious. And that sounds like I'm setting up a bit, but I'm not. What did you guys think about the fact that there's another podcast out there called The Bonfire that's licensed through Sirius XM? Should we pivot and change our name, or should we just be a couple of goofballs on the internet and just run with it? What do we think in there?

SPEAKER_06 7:27

Um, I found their addresses. Okay. Pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 7:33

Alright. Me and my friends in the garage have been making some stuff. Oh my god, Max Day. Holy fuck. And we're gonna deliver them a package on Max Day. Max Day is liberation day. Keep the name after.

SPEAKER_04 7:44

Max, didn't you don't you have like a degree in this in this field or something? Communication?

SPEAKER_06 7:50

Some adjacent. Or bombs.

SPEAKER_04 7:52

No, not bombs. No, like communications or some shit, right?

SPEAKER_06 7:57

Yeah, I gotta it's arts management. Yeah, yeah. It's like how fucked are we?

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Should we change our title? I mean, uh we could pivot.

SPEAKER_06 8:05

We probably want to pivot.

SPEAKER_04 8:07

Okay. Dude, let's brainstorm a fucking idea right now.

SPEAKER_06 8:10

I'm thinking like the big fire that I'm thinking like a couple of logs, and then you put a match in there, and then you put a little lighter fluid on it because you never went to Boy Scouts.

SPEAKER_04 8:29

You don't know how to start a fire properly.

SPEAKER_06 8:32

What if we did the Boy Scouts?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

I've never been to Boy Scouts. Stolen Valor. Oh, it's the it's the Scouts. That is Stolen Valor. Oh, really? Scouts now. They're not just Boy Scouts.

SPEAKER_06 8:42

Hey, so two of my best friends are Eagle Scouts, so it's Joy Scouts now, dude. Wow. That's really cool.

SPEAKER_04 8:48

Isn't that do they hold three fingers up or something or what?

SPEAKER_06 8:50

Yeah. You hold three fingers up and then you lick your thumb and then you pop it your butt.

SPEAKER_04 8:56

That's all you and that's that's your last test. That's your last test to become an Eagles Eagle Scout. Yeah. And you gotta do it in front of your personality. Yep. I think we have a much stronger start this time. Last time it was kind of like, oh well, you know, pee-pee poop boo. This time we just got right into Israel and bigotry and real topics, baby.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

We haven't even released the first episode, and people have been asking to hear what we have to say.

SPEAKER_06 9:26

Me too. Yeah, I've been getting that. Which is awesome. But I I was I would honestly I was very happy with it. This probably shouldn't be in there because we're just talking about shit that we've already done. No, this will be in there. I was I was I like fell asleep listening to it a couple of two or three times, which is like what I normally do. I know like I listen to podcasts. Which is so fucking boring. But um, it was I was like kept up by it being funny, which is a really good sign.

SPEAKER_04 9:53

Every time you talked, you'd wake up and be like, oh, that's funny.

SPEAKER_06 9:59

I'm so vain that I'm like, oh dude, you narrowed that one, buddy.

SPEAKER_08 10:02

Ooh, you can't go to bed yet.

SPEAKER_06 10:04

You're on fire.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

I would I would just like to say, Max, if you have a pen anywhere near you, get it fucking gone, dude. You're clicking pen for like five, ten minutes last episode.

SPEAKER_06 10:18

I was alright, I already did that this episode.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

You motherfucker. You've been clicking pen. There's so many different ways you can fidget, and that's like arguably the worst thing you can do while recording a podcast, and it works for like 10 minutes. And Vinny at one point mentions it, and then like 10 minutes later, you're clicking again.

SPEAKER_06 10:41

No, no, no. He did he mentioned why do I hear clicking in his beak? It's because my VOD started playing in the background.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

Oh, yeah, that's right. No, that's what you said, but it was because you were clicking a pen.

SPEAKER_04 10:50

No, it actually was because I had his Twitch stream up and he was typing on his keyboard on the t the Twitch stream.

SPEAKER_06 10:55

I could have also been clicking a pen, though.

SPEAKER_04 10:57

And then after that, I kept hearing him click on it.

SPEAKER_06 10:58

Both can be true.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Yeah, would I have would would I have been able to hear his stream through your recording on the podcast, though? You know what I'm saying? Fair. No, no, you wouldn't. I would have been able to hear you this motherfucker clicking a pen, though.

SPEAKER_06 11:12

You done got for real. I just I had one in my hands, literally when you said that, and I just chucked it across the room. I was literally holding a pen about to click it, and you were like, hey, get it, get that thing away from you, and I was like, fire, hot potato, out of here.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

We could, you know, we could uh new title one one bigot pen clicker, two cool guys, you know.

SPEAKER_06 11:38

I feel like it's kind of a mouthful and maybe misresent rip misrepresents some of us, you know? Dude, mouthful.

SPEAKER_04 11:45

No, it sucks.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Um the mouthful, the mouthful.

SPEAKER_04 11:49

The mouthful. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_06 11:50

Wait, what about three logs is pretty funny. Three logs. A couple of logs is pretty funny.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

Three logs is actually three logs. I actually do from what I have. Three logs is like a fucking thing. Hey, three logs is funny, right? That's something. Yeah, it's a big ad. It's funny because it's big. Well, and it's like, you know, poop?

SPEAKER_05 12:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 12:19

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

That's all I got. That's all I got.

SPEAKER_07 12:21

It's like poop, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Hey, poop is funny. Poop. I I've laughed at poop for sure, dude. I've had a great poop day, dude, to be honest. Dude, you know how many poops you've taken? I I ate my first banana um in probably six, seven months.

SPEAKER_04 12:38

Six, seven? Six, seven, six, seven, six, seven.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

It was not intentional. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 12:44

You don't know what Connor said to me one time? Like last week? He looks at me, he goes, dude, I think there's something wrong with me. I poop like seven times a day.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Well, that's the thing, dude. I only I only went like twice today because I ate a banana, and I I think I've just been like thinking there's something seriously wrong, but I think it's all just uh corrected by eating one banana. Fiber. Fiber for sure. I actually do poop like seven, seven to eight times a day.

SPEAKER_06 13:12

I'm normally at like six, probably by one or two. I woke up today at 10.30 and I'm at five. Jeez! And there's more common.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Yeah. You got one cooking right now?

SPEAKER_06 13:27

Oh yeah. Right before we recorded, I went to this place right by me that does this this happy hour, and they have a the best ham sandwich I've ever had in my life. And I fucking hate ham sandwiches, but my someone I know recommended this to me. I just had it. Oh, it was delicious, but it's gonna be a it's gonna be a log. Was it like a hot ham or like a cold ham? Hot ham. It's melted. Uh uh Dijon mustard. Uh chili ch chili ally. And uh pickled onion. And it's gas.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

It does sound pretty gas. How much Dijon mustard do you think you could eat straight in one sitting?

SPEAKER_06 14:09

Oh, dude, like a half a coops bottle?

SPEAKER_04 14:11

Nothing. Literally none.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

None?

SPEAKER_04 14:13

Really?

SPEAKER_01 14:15

I think I could house I think I could house like a cup. I don't I guess I don't know how much a coop half a coop's bottle is.

SPEAKER_04 14:20

I feel like that's probably about Were you there when we when we bet over like fucking damn near$200 on Alan to eat an entire like like mason jar full of two-day olds that sat out, two days old. That's sat it sat out for two days. Of sour cream. Of sour cream. He filled a ice car.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

I heard tail of it, but yeah, he he ate a lot of it.

SPEAKER_04 14:47

He crushed the whole thing. Yeah. And then he got like he got$50 out of me. I fucking didn't think he was gonna do it. I went to the gym with him later that night and he projectile vomited all over the Anytime Fitness bathroom.

SPEAKER_06 14:58

Oh, no doubt.

SPEAKER_04 15:00

Sick. But he got like almost$200 out of a bunch of people because like I just genuinely didn't think anyone could ever fucking pound an entire mason jar of two-day old sour cream. Isn't sour cream like a dairy?

SPEAKER_01 15:14

Eating that much sour cream if it was good and not spoiled is insane. But especially that it was slightly rotted, well aged.

SPEAKER_04 15:25

That's uh it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. I mean, I was genuinely immense respect.

SPEAKER_06 15:31

Wouldn't that be like you guys remember the gallon of milk thing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:35

Like drink like chuggallon of milk in 30 minutes?

SPEAKER_06 15:38

Yeah, you can't do it because your body can't hold that much like lactose. There's something chemically that like makes it like not doable.

SPEAKER_04 15:45

I it's it's just because your stomach cannot hold a gallon of liquid in like less than 30 minutes. You like you literally cannot. Couldn't you do that with a gallon of water though? No. If you drink it, you wouldn't get like water poisoning, but I don't think your stomach can hold a gallon. Like if you chucked a gallon of water, you would be like yeah in pain. Yeah, you would not be.

SPEAKER_06 16:02

I actually did, I did try and do the milk thing once when I was like, I don't know, 14 at summer camp. And uh I got about halfway, maybe a little bit over halfway through of the gallon of milk. And then I went to the bathroom and I like coughed and milk just came out. That's what happened. Like it was just like all the milk came out.

SPEAKER_04 16:22

It was yeah, that's just because your fucking stomach cannot hold that much liquid. Your body's going to just eject it out of every oil.

SPEAKER_06 16:29

I wasn't even full grown then either. I should try it again now, see if I can do it.

SPEAKER_04 16:34

I think you could.

SPEAKER_06 16:35

I mean, that's what happened to me when we did the hot chip.

SPEAKER_04 16:38

The hot chip?

SPEAKER_06 16:39

Yeah, Connor and I once did uh did a hot chip challenge and I drank too much milk during it that I puked up the milk, and he's got a live photo of me doing it where the milk leaves my mouth. It's pretty sweet. Can you fucking send me that? What's so funny is that you look at that picture, and for the context, I had to ordain my friend's wedding that afternoon. No, yeah, that's like two hours before I did like a wedding service. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 17:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Dude, you should ask me. You're such an old ass man, Max, calling it the hot chip challenge. It's the one chip challenge. There's just one chip.

SPEAKER_06 17:11

But it's hot.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

Well, yeah, but it's it's one chip challenge. That's what it's called.

SPEAKER_06 17:16

All hot girls do is eat hot chip and lie.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

Dude, and you are the hot girl.

SPEAKER_06 17:21

And I am a hot girl.

SPEAKER_04 17:24

Max, you walked a mile in high school, dude. Don't even lie.

SPEAKER_06 17:28

No. No, I ran. I probably got like 950, but I ran it.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Yeah, you ran back. That's actually not arms back, dude, an hour two run.

SPEAKER_06 17:39

I didn't Naruto. I never was a Naruto runner, even though I was a big fan.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Whatever, dude.

SPEAKER_06 17:45

I never did that, dude.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

I know you did.

SPEAKER_06 17:48

You know, couldn't you argue that that's also the Sonic run? Doesn't Sonic run with his arms around his back like that?

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Oh, I'm sorry. You did the Sonic run. Yes. Thank you. That's right.

SPEAKER_04 17:58

Dude, Sonic came before Naruto. Naruto was inspired by Sonic. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_08 18:05

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 18:06

You know that Kurama was actually supposed to be blue?

SPEAKER_06 18:09

What? And they both say believe it.

SPEAKER_04 18:11

And they both say gotta go fast.

SPEAKER_03 18:15

Suck on my chili doll. They both say, fuck you, idiot. Fuck you.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Dude, Vinny, have you heard the Plants vs. Zombies song? There's zombies in your yard.

SPEAKER_03 18:26

There's a zombie on your lawn. We don't want zombies on your lawn. I know your I don't remember the words. You wanna bite all the petals off of my head?

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Yeah, I know that song. Yeah, it's it's the first time that I've uh that I've heard that today, and I was stunned, man. It's a work of art.

SPEAKER_04 18:49

It is it is genuinely peak.

SPEAKER_06 18:50

Who made it?

SPEAKER_04 18:51

Sunflower, uh Laura Shigihara, the fucking goat who made the entire OST for Plants versus Zombies, which is like one of my favorite of all time OSTs. She is like a fucking she's a godsend.

SPEAKER_03 19:05

I used to play football, dude I'm saying.

SPEAKER_04 19:16

You gotta listen to that one, Max. You ever listen to zombies on your lawn?

SPEAKER_03 19:20

Uh-uh.

SPEAKER_04 19:21

I don't think I've played.

SPEAKER_03 19:23

I'm dead.

SPEAKER_06 19:23

There's a zombie on your lawn. Oh no, no, I had it on an iPod touch once when I was a middle school tutorial.

SPEAKER_04 19:31

You know, I had I also had an iPod touch in high in in middle school, so we're not we're not that far apart in age. We're not that different. We're not so different.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

You also had an iPod touch in middle school.

SPEAKER_06 19:41

Maybe I was in high school. I might have been in high school.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

You were in high school, dude.

SPEAKER_06 19:45

Yeah, I was in high school.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

And you were and you were actually in a GED program because you were fucking 65 when the iPod touch first came out.

SPEAKER_08 19:54

No. For sure. I had an iPod shuffle. You guys know about that?

SPEAKER_04 19:59

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_08 20:00

Looked like a little stick of gum.

SPEAKER_04 20:01

Mm-hmm. My sister had one of them. I was cool. I went straight to the iPod Touch. She's three years older than me.

SPEAKER_06 20:09

Okay, we're a similar age, aren't I?

SPEAKER_03 20:12

No.

SPEAKER_06 20:12

Similar? No. Cooler.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

Cooler.

SPEAKER_06 20:16

Watch it, watch it.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

You guys just palpably closer to the mic.

SPEAKER_06 20:20

No, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 20:22

Dude, I swear to God. You stay the fuck out of New York. Oh shit. I will.

SPEAKER_06 20:27

No, I'll never go. Uh-oh. Oh, you daxxed her.

SPEAKER_04 20:30

I doxed myself. I live in New York. I live in New York.

SPEAKER_06 20:32

I knew I live in New York.

SPEAKER_03 20:33

I live in New York.

SPEAKER_04 20:34

That's the new pivot. I live in New York. That's the new pivot.

SPEAKER_03 20:36

I live in New York. Hey, King of the Yule! It's me, King of the Yule. I'm the King of the Yule!

SPEAKER_06 20:42

I'm the Don Data! Oh what does that mean? The what? Don Data?

SPEAKER_01 20:49

Don Data.

SPEAKER_06 20:54

Don Data. It means. I don't think it's that. I don't think it's that. What? No, I don't think that's what they mean when they say New York. Who knows? Oh, dude, so I've been playing League of Legends like crazy?

SPEAKER_04 21:16

Yup, yup, yup, yup. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_06 21:19

Yup. I was only one game away from gold two days ago. And now I'm back in silver too. And I think I'm gonna chop my balls off and feed them to a lamb.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

That's a lot of losses, man.

SPEAKER_06 21:35

Yeah. I think I'm at six in a row. Yeah, it's been bad. Also, what's crazy is one of the days that I thought I was doing well, someone sent me a screenshot of my match history. Like they lined up on my cigarettes in front of me that I smoked. And it was not good. I went three and seven, one and eleven, oh and one. One in twelve.

SPEAKER_04 22:02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 22:02

I thought I had a good day. I was getting my little baby boy butt carried.

SPEAKER_04 22:07

I was I was watching I watched one stream that you did as Kogma and you fucking were like cooking. And then since that day, I don't think I've seen you perform at that level. I'm not even gonna lie.

SPEAKER_06 22:17

Yeah, it's probably because I was down in like bronze then, you know, so it was just easier.

SPEAKER_04 22:20

Yeah, you stole, I remember you stole the fucking like you stole a dragon, and I was like, oh my god, I was here.

SPEAKER_06 22:26

I was just oh yeah, that was sick. That was nice. Yeah, you did it. Yeah, no, that felt great. It was really funny because I said like we're kind of getting poo-pooed in the dragon department right before that. Yeah, and then you just it was pretty lucky. Yeah. No, but you call it lucky, I call it plant. I've been trying out Ezreal, I've been trying out vein, I've been trying to do different tricks on it, and it's just nothing's coming together, man. I gotta figure it out, man, because I don't want to go bald.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

I want to learn, I want to learn Mundo and Zach. Warwick's obviously the starter though. Like Warwick and the Mundo into Zack. That's gonna be my when I learn how to play the game, that's gonna be my fucking uh that's gonna be like my progression forward. Cause I think as I like I think that Warwick's definitely out of the three, the easiest to learn. Mundo's like an in-between. Zack's probably the most complicated, but if you learn how to play him right, you can do some crazy shit.

SPEAKER_06 23:15

That's my Did you guys ever watch the Donkey videos? Like where he used to play? No. Where he used to do a bunch of League of Legends stuff? No?

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Yeah, yeah, back when I was a young man. I used to play.

SPEAKER_04 23:30

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

He's a guy that game.

SPEAKER_06 23:35

That's good, that's good. Sorry, I'll just send me the send me the chili dog song and it started to make me laugh. You guys know the song, Oh Yeah, life goes on. Yeah. We would do that, but then he started singing, Two brothers sucking on each other's chili dogs. And it's just art. It's just art, dude. It's an amazing start.

SPEAKER_08 24:00

Suck, chilly dog. Two brothers sucking on each other's chili dogs.

SPEAKER_06 24:08

Oh, that man's a genius.

SPEAKER_04 24:12

Gotta put him in a museum. Um, dude, I've been I've been playing the fuck out of Mario Kart Wii lately. I think I'm gonna make a video where I 100% the game just for fun. It was really good, wasn't it? I'm playing it on Dolphin, and if you have a GameCube controller, it's literally so peak. It's perfect. Which I think is probably the way you wanna play if you want to be like good at the game.

SPEAKER_06 24:47

Not like a Yeah, I mean the wheel was fun, but like it's just not good. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_04 24:52

But I fucking three-starred special cup on 150cc today.

SPEAKER_07 24:57

It was beautiful. Gamer, gamer, gamer. Felt good.

SPEAKER_04 25:01

Felt good. I like pulled my I pulled my wiener out and just started like stroking it until I came all over my keyboard, you know? Whoa, and then you sticky key. Strong work.

SPEAKER_06 25:09

You know, you know when it says sticky keys because you press shift five times?

SPEAKER_04 25:12

Yeah. It did that. Yeah, I because I was pressing shift five times because I was trying to get the come out from underneath the key, you know?

SPEAKER_06 25:19

And then I guess I said uh-oh, cummy keys.

SPEAKER_04 25:22

Uh uh. We're scrapping this whole thing. I'm not dumping scarce. Uh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dump it. It's a chunky, dump it.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

Um we got the we got the poop. Yeah, just scrap it.

SPEAKER_06 25:35

Just scrap the whole blood. We got blood.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

That's my favorite. That's a computer. Actually, I think we have every fluid. Dump it.

SPEAKER_04 25:43

Dump it up. The whole fucking that whole bit from uh I think you should leave where it just ran. Dump it and just scrap it. We're done. It's a chunky. Yeah, whatever. Just dump it. Dump it. Yeah, they're panning it's dog shit, dump it. They're panning, they're panning away and the lights are shutting off. He's like, just fucking scrap it.

SPEAKER_06 26:04

Yeah, dude, that man is stuff is so funny. Oh, I don't know. Have you guys watched are you guys familiar with Shane Gillis?

SPEAKER_04 26:10

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_06 26:11

Yeah. Have you guys watched a stand-up on Netflix?

SPEAKER_04 26:14

Absolutely. Beautiful dogs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 26:16

Yeah. I have I watched my brother showed it to me like a year ago, and it was fantastic. And then I don't know why, but earlier this week on like Monday night, just hanging out, nothing to do, and I rewatched it. And I'm just sitting there alone in my apartment, like belly laughing and almost crying. It's so good.

SPEAKER_04 26:31

I showed it to I showed it to my mom and uh like sat down and watched it and forgot that the first about 20 minutes of it, he's literally talking about cum and having sex, and and I was just sitting there like, probably should not have been like, mom, we gotta watch this now. It's so funny, you know? Yeah, I watched it with my parents too, and we just skipped it. It was uncomfortable. We forgot. Skip it. Shit. I didn't skip it. I was laughing too hard though. That's what broke the tension was I was just like fucking laughing my ass off. My mom's just like, what the fuck is this?

SPEAKER_06 27:04

Yeah, there's been like there's only been like I think two different medias in the last ten years that I can really that I've watched my parents that I felt like hit us both and thought was funny, and one is I think you should leave, and two is this guy is Shango stand up.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:21

They're just generational, man. They bridge gaps.

SPEAKER_04 27:23

Yeah. I was watching uh I was watching Inside with my sister, and we love Bo Burnham, but my dad came into the room and he's just like he sat down and watched for about five minutes. He was like, I don't fucking understand any of this shit. And he got up and left. I was like, Jesus Christ, dude, you have a bad day at work or something?

SPEAKER_08 27:40

Holy shit, dude. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:42

This is the same guy who I don't know, you guys aren't too familiar with a lot of anime, but there's this anime called Angel Beats. And uh long story short, it's a sad the anime has a sad twist at the end. And I'm on the last, like the second to last episode, right before like the climax of the entire like it's like 12 episode. They're about to do they're about to reveal the twist in the like the next 10 minutes. My dad comes in and sits down. He goes, he he literally like says, Oh, and then reveals the twist, like perfectly predicts it, and then 10 minutes later, exactly what he said happens. And I start I I was like, You fucking ruined the ending for me. How did you know that? He's like, it's just obvious, dude. I mean, and then he watched the last episode with me, but he didn't want to watch more than five minutes of Bo Burnham's Inside. He'll sit down and watch the last episode of Angel Beats. Whatever.

SPEAKER_06 28:33

Maybe your dad's secretly anime fan. We were late to Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_04 28:38

We were late to Thanksgiving one year because he sat down and watched Ken Gan Oshira with me. I don't know if you've watched or seen anything about that show.

SPEAKER_03 28:45

No, no, I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 28:47

It's just it's just like a Baki like fighting anime where they just beat the shit out of each other the entire time. And it's like it's like a crazy and my dad, we were late to Thanksgiving because me and my dad, my dad wanted to watch like five episodes.

SPEAKER_05 29:01

That's sick.

SPEAKER_04 29:02

Because I started it while I was waiting to go, and then everyone just came in the living room. We just sat down and watched anime for about five episodes, and he was like, We're fucking late. We gotta go. Like, we gotta drive now. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 29:14

What was your what was your intro anime?

SPEAKER_04 29:21

Uh I'm just gonna say Dragon Ball Z.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Cool. Is there one that's funnier than that? That didn't seem like the antsy.

SPEAKER_04 29:31

Dude, it's Rosario Vampire, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:38

I don't even know what that is, but the name is. I can understand how that's funny. Uh I know I know what that is. I was a Netflix cooner myself. Rosario Vampire.

SPEAKER_04 29:48

No, not look enough. It's fine. Season two, episode 11. You can see some titties though.

SPEAKER_06 29:52

Yeah. Oh, I see. Oh, I see.

unknown 29:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 29:57

It's garbage, it's trash.

SPEAKER_01 29:59

Bookmarking this, saving this for later. It's garbage, it's trash 4.5 on Crunchyroll. 4.5.

SPEAKER_06 30:09

Oh, dude, I probably shouldn't say this on.

SPEAKER_04 30:13

It's okay, nothing gets cut out, so go ahead.

SPEAKER_06 30:15

Yeah. No, drop it. Don't be able to do that. Okay, so I was watching TikToks the other day, and someone was like, it was like this fake skit that someone set up where they were like, uh, characters at a date with someone, and they're like, oh, you like anime? What's your favorite anime? And the person's like, well, I like one that's pretty unknown, and then he they say the title, and then the person's like, Why would you ever tell anybody that? You know what I mean? And I was like, I'm interested. What does that mean? How can this be that bad? And then I tried to look it up on Crunchyroll, not on Crunchyroll. You have to go to some other websites to see it.

SPEAKER_04 30:44

Wait, what was the what was the name of the anime?

SPEAKER_06 30:46

Yeah. Oh, let me see if I can. Oh, wait, I'm gonna make a guess.

SPEAKER_04 30:50

Was it Boku no Pico?

SPEAKER_06 30:52

No. It was, I'd never heard anybody else mention it before. Um It was called. Oh yeah, suck Jilly Dow. Everybody's sucking sucking chilly do. Um, it's called Redo of a Healer. Are you familiar with that?

SPEAKER_03 31:20

Oh god.

SPEAKER_04 31:21

Oh god. You know what this is? No, you don't ever hear that. You don't ever admit that you watched that show to anybody, dude.

SPEAKER_08 31:28

Right, yeah. So like I was like, what? Like, how can it be you know, I've seen some bad stuff.

SPEAKER_04 31:33

Oh, I lasted I never even finished the first episode.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

I never even don't.

SPEAKER_06 31:39

You don't need it in your head.

SPEAKER_01 31:42

Can you look this up for me? What? Can you can you look up the show?

SPEAKER_04 31:49

Oh there you go.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

Oh nice right there. What's the I mean what's the what's the gist?

SPEAKER_06 32:03

So basically a healing magician uses knowledge from his past life and healing magic to redo everything.

SPEAKER_04 32:11

It seems pretty well the first the first episode is so unfucking fathomably horrible.

SPEAKER_06 32:18

Like it is So from the gist, it's like uh he was taken from like a small town or something, and then like um What are you you can't do?

SPEAKER_03 32:36

Why did you look this up?

SPEAKER_01 32:38

You have 20 employees versus FaZe, and you're about five minutes into it, and RAR XB on a Google search.

SPEAKER_06 32:46

Well, it's because okay, someone someone yesterday, alright, alright, hold on. Why are we hey guys? What's up? What are we doing here? Hey, what? Uh someone yesterday said RAR XD, and I was like, that means I love you in dinosaur, because that was the thing that was on MySpace. That's a website that's like Facebook, it was a little bit before you guys' time. Um, and then someone was like, no, that's what furries say, and I was like, you are wrong. Maybe they do say it, but it means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows this. Did you guys know that?

SPEAKER_04 33:16

I uh no, I did not know that.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

That's that's so random.

SPEAKER_06 33:21

Random! Random uh, yeah, I was also watching this video.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

Stable Ronaldo.

SPEAKER_06 33:31

It's only 27 seconds in. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 33:33

Well, like what is phase at this point? I thought they disbanded.

SPEAKER_06 33:37

No, they're still they're still an organization. They're publicly traded, actually, I think.

SPEAKER_04 33:41

They're just not playing video games anymore, or what?

SPEAKER_06 33:44

Yeah, I mean it started as like hot dudes, right?

SPEAKER_04 33:47

Yeah, they're just a bunch of crypto bros.

SPEAKER_06 33:49

I think it's just it's just a a content organization now. They're cool, they wear true religions. Oh no, no, wait, wait, they were they wear chrome hearts.

SPEAKER_04 33:59

I don't what what? What are chrome hearts?

SPEAKER_06 34:09

FaZe traffic. I get to throw up the F all the time? Dude, you have to go to Turkey.

SPEAKER_04 34:18

I would have to go to Turkey. Why would you have to go to Turkey? They're established in Turkey?

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Uh no. No, gotta get the Turkish hair transplant surgery. How much is a flight to Turkey?

SPEAKER_06 34:35

About 1.2,000. And the transplant's about 2,000? Oh my god. I mean, I And it'd be about a two-day trip.

SPEAKER_04 34:45

Oh, about a two-day trip, and yeah. No, I mean I longer and more aggressive hair restoration surgery techniques increase the risk of excessive blood loss, lidocaine toxicity, and post-operative pain. Yeah, but what I'd be Oh, it's so gross. I can't even look at that.

SPEAKER_06 35:03

Make ball drop ball. The problem with with it though is that you have to have your head all wrapped up for like six months. Look like a mummy.

SPEAKER_04 35:10

Oh my god, like these pictures are making me sick.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Don't stop looking at them.

SPEAKER_04 35:15

Okay. I'm kinda I come kind of kind of curious, but they're like it's like it's like a like the what's the fear of like circles and and and fucking indentations.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

Oh, tripophobia.

SPEAKER_04 35:24

It's like some tripophobia shit.

SPEAKER_06 35:28

Damn.

SPEAKER_04 35:29

Well, I just I know that's that that was insane. I was thinking agoraphobia, but that's the fear of uh the fear of like jerking off or something.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

Yeah, I don't know why, but tripophobia comes up pretty often.

SPEAKER_07 35:42

Ah, keep that come away from me. Ooh. Oh, get that out of here. I'm scared of it. Ooh, keep that away from me. Ooh, ah, ooh, ooh, I don't even jerk off. I'm scared of that stuff. I'm ropophobic.

SPEAKER_06 35:55

Every time I come, I get scared. Every time I come, there's two wolves in my belly.

SPEAKER_04 36:05

One one shoots big fat fucking ropes, and the other one is scared of it.

SPEAKER_06 36:10

Is scared of the ropes. Wait, you guys know that. But the story is there's two wolves in you, right? Is it uh I always add the in my belly modifier? Is that is it not told about the two wolves in your belly, or are they just inside of you?

SPEAKER_04 36:27

They're just inside of you, yeah. You added the belly thing, but it makes it funnier.

SPEAKER_01 36:30

You've localized your wolves to your belly.

SPEAKER_04 36:32

Yeah, you voared your wolves, and you got a big fat tummy and you're farting a bunch trying to relieve some pressure in there.

SPEAKER_06 36:39

Oh, get these wolves out.

SPEAKER_04 36:41

Yeah, you're like sitting there, you're sitting there, your belly's so big it's laying on the ground, and you're on your knees, and you're and you got like you're rubbing it, and you're going, Oh god! Oh my god!

SPEAKER_06 36:52

You know what I'm saying? Need some cream.

SPEAKER_04 36:59

This podcast is so peak, dude.

SPEAKER_01 37:02

Chrome parts baccarat? Wait, what's that?

SPEAKER_06 37:05

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, dude, I had uh Oh. I would never own something like that in my life.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

That was just some bullshit. Oh, it's like cologne or something? No, it's like glasses and shit. It's like glasses, dude. So you can explain.

SPEAKER_04 37:26

No one says bub anymore. We need to bring back bub. It doesn't have to be about champagne. We should just bring it back. Like, hey, what's up, dude? What you drinking? Oh, you know, just sipping on bub. I say that all the time. And they're like, then they go, champagne at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday? And I'm like, no, no, no, no. It's it's it's apple juice.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

You're at work. It's apple juice. It smells, it smells like whiskey, but it's apple juice. It's just bub.

SPEAKER_04 37:50

Like, let's bring back bub. You know what I'm saying? Bring back bub. B, bring back bub.

unknown 37:54

B.

SPEAKER_04 37:55

I'll be up in the club sipping on bub. You know that one. Bub's back. Or like there's another one where it's.

SPEAKER_02 38:28

Oh, bub goes on. And we sipping on buddy bubbing all night long. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_06 38:36

Uh I do. Did I sit? Did I just rhyme long with long? Yeah, you can do that. It's allowed. Hey, so let's get into another topic. Let's do uh Max is a fascist. No, I don't like that one. Excellent.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

Can we rewind to that?

SPEAKER_06 38:55

No, no, no. That was a title. That was our idea for the title. I do like that I have Connor.

SPEAKER_04 39:01

What is this about? I said Max eat a whole bottle of Flintstone gummies, please, please, please. I know we had a conversation about that.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

Um, you know, I'm really not, I'm not recalling what I brought that on. I mean, Max needs vitamins desperately. True.

SPEAKER_06 39:23

I am frail.

SPEAKER_04 39:24

And he needs to do his taxes.

unknown 39:26

Oh.

SPEAKER_06 39:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 39:28

Oh, yeah. I still haven't done that.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

Anyone from the IRS is listening.

SPEAKER_06 39:34

Ooh, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop. It's supposed to be. It's severely, it's severely.

SPEAKER_08 39:45

It's good. It's got to be cut. Got this, cut this, got this.

SPEAKER_04 39:49

Not gonna be cut.

SPEAKER_08 39:51

I'm lying, I'm lying. I totally do it.

SPEAKER_06 39:52

I'm a tax-pay American.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Um absolutely known to pay taxes.

SPEAKER_06 39:59

Just get hot in here for anybody else.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

Yeah, I'm getting kind of horned up.

SPEAKER_05 40:04

I mean, I think I think it was horned up was not what I meant.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

Wait, this is. I'm just trying to I'm just trying to recall. I think, I don't know. I feel like Max, you would like if if someone just suffers a bottle of of like yeah, Flintstone gummies in front of you, I think you would just house on it.

SPEAKER_06 40:24

Oh yeah, they're delicious.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

I actually have like scrunchies.

SPEAKER_06 40:27

I had a bottle of you guys know what hymns is?

SPEAKER_04 40:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 40:31

I had a bottle of no nock pills? The hair stuff. Because I have like, dude, once I was got drunk and I got scared about my hairline because I really thought it was going, and I spent like$400 on Finn's Master Ride from himself. And I haven't taken a single one. I have like I have like a year and a half worth of fin in this home. Rotten. So if you guys know anybody who needs to get on the fin, but uh I they also sent me these like biotin gummy, like there were gummies that were supposed to like help your hair growth. And the packaging isn't very hey, this is medicine. So once I found a bottle of gummy bears, yummy candy, yummy delicious candy, and I thought it was just candy, and I ate them all, and then my heart started doing weird shit, and then I had my pee was smelling weird, and I gotta go to the doctor, and they're like, Yeah, so you have like we did like a lab, and it was like I can't remember what it was, but there was a really high level of something. They're like, Have you taken any like medication like this recently? And then it all came back to me. You know, like what was supposed to be probably two or three months worth of once-a-day gummies in a sitting.

SPEAKER_01 41:45

Your your recent doctor's are pretty marvelous because wasn't there one time where you just like ate a metric shit ton of Oreos and you were shitting black and die? Yeah, that happened.

SPEAKER_08 41:59

Also, there is the This is true, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 42:01

Well, they're like, if there's black in your poop, it's like serious, right? So I like ate a you know, a whole sleeve, a whole box of double stuff Oreos, and then I had a poop and it was pitch black. And I was like, I need to go, I'm gonna die tomorrow. And then, you know, it's funny, there's another poop one where this is a very specific thing to this food, but if you eat the uh the blue heat takis, oh god, if you eat enough of them, it turns your poo like neon blue or like neon green.

SPEAKER_04 42:30

A lot of blue 40 in there.

SPEAKER_06 42:31

I didn't I didn't know this, so I had one of those poops and I was like, that looks like it belongs in fucking Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I need to go to the goddamn doctor, but I didn't re I didn't even think about what I had eaten the last couple of days, and then I did like a couple Reddit searches or Google searches, and there was like 10 different Reddit posts about like, hey, I just ate a bunch of these talkies and my poop is weird. Anyone else? And there's like 20 people sounding off. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 42:54

That's totally normal, dude. Lay off the table.

SPEAKER_06 42:55

And I was like, ah, we're safe. That's another$2,000 down the drain. I uh I uh I don't have insurance.

SPEAKER_04 43:03

I literally did the like I drink when I was a kid, I drink so much bread Gatorade, and I would just shit red. And I thought I was bleeding out of my asshole. That happened to me. That actually just that actually just happened to me recently. I drank an asshole, I got I bought like a whole thing of zero sugar Gatorade and I just chugged the whole thing in a fucking day. Because I love that shit. And uh I went to go to take a shit and it was just red, and I wiped my ass, and it looked like I was genuinely looked like I was bleeding out of my asshole, and I was like genuinely thinking I have like ass cancer. Then a day later it came out normal.

SPEAKER_06 43:33

Sometimes I do bleed out of my butt because I poop pushed too hard and made me bleed.

SPEAKER_04 43:38

Yeah. Sometimes I just wipe, I just wipe too much, you know. I'm a big wiper.

SPEAKER_01 43:41

Yeah, normally when it's when it's poop seven. Hold on.

SPEAKER_04 43:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Stuff starts going around.

SPEAKER_04 43:48

There's a there is a I swear to god, if you start playing League right now, I'll shit myself.

SPEAKER_06 43:52

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I just it lit up. And I wanted to see what I'm saying. Just feedback. That's impressive.

SPEAKER_04 44:01

That would be that would be that sounds about right. Um, so when you guys wipe your ass, okay? This is a day as the question as old as time. We're gonna start top down. Do you stand up or do you remain sitting when you wipe your ass?

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Sitting. I remain sitting. So you both sit.

SPEAKER_06 44:19

I used to stand when I was a child.

SPEAKER_01 44:21

Okay. Do you stand? I sit. Okay. Okay. Because the toilet seats made to spread you.

SPEAKER_06 44:27

Yep, yep, yep. Um They designed them to spread you, that's the point.

SPEAKER_04 44:33

Okay, and then do you f do you like take a controlled amount of toilet paper off of the off of the roll and fold it? Or do you scrunch that shit up?

SPEAKER_06 44:41

I'm a wild guy and I I take a bunch and I like a you know scrunch it, or like yeah, I'm a sitting scruncher, but I don't I don't have or I sometimes I'm a folder, but I it's never like I'm gonna take six squares. You're predominantly a scruncher. So you're a sitting scrutiny. Mostly a scruncher. I think I waste 50% of my toilet paper, probably.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

Yeah, that's totally that is absolutely how rich people wipe their asses. They just grab like a handful of toilet papers, scrunch together, call it a day. I mean, I'm not I'm I'm two to three to four squares, depending on the severity of the mess. See, I just I scrunched. I'm a folder.

SPEAKER_04 45:18

I scrunch and wipe until it's all gone. Sometimes it feels like I'm wiping like a brown marker down there, but I won't stop until it's gone.

SPEAKER_01 45:24

It just keeps going, it keeps going, it's going to be fine. I do, you know, I do stop. Do you guys use wet wipes and point, you know, regardless of how clean I am, if it's still coming down after like after I try like four times, I'm just like, I'm done. Are you serious? It'll work itself out.

SPEAKER_06 45:39

You guys ever had it where you you did one, two little wipes, and then you were busy all day and then your butthole starts to hurt?

SPEAKER_04 45:45

Yeah. And then I I actually seek out whenever I feel like I need to wipe my ass again, I seek out a bathroom and go just safety wipe. Me too.

SPEAKER_06 45:52

I get a fart, then I'm like, I'm just gonna.

SPEAKER_04 45:55

I used to be a fucking actual demon when I was a kid and I never wiped, and I scarred myself, and now I wipe till I bleed.

SPEAKER_01 46:02

Wait, wait, I actually never I was gonna bad about letting it cross.

SPEAKER_04 46:07

When I was a kid, like five, five, six years old, I have a vivid memory. Oh no, I don't even know if I should say this on the podcast. This is embarrassing.

SPEAKER_01 46:13

Well yeah, keep it, keep it tight.

SPEAKER_04 46:16

I mean, follow your heart, but I uh when I was a kid, I I I just never wiped my ass. I'd just take shits and then get up and leave. And but my ass would start to itch, so I'd just start fucking digging in my shit, you know, trying to like itch it. And one time I was just standing on my parents' bed, digging in my ass crack, my mom walks in, she's like, What the fuck are you doing? And she's like, You need to start wiping your ass. I took took my she took my undies off and showed me it, and it was just like covered in shit. Like I just I just like I just like would never fucking wipe. And I've remember that vividly to this day. And that is why I wipe so vicariously. Is that the right word today? Is that a good use of that word there?

SPEAKER_06 46:54

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 46:54

I think vicariously. I I think you actually use that pretty incorrectly. Because I think if you wipe vicariously, I think you mean viciously, maybe?

SPEAKER_04 47:03

In a way that is experienced in the imagination. Uh voraciously, voraciously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's so funny. I wipe like fucking crazy until I bleed, until there's nothing left, so I don't have to walk around and like see little streaks in my I usually don't have streaks in my undies. You guys have streaks? Do you guys ever streak up something?

SPEAKER_01 47:22

No, I'm not streaking.

SPEAKER_06 47:23

I did I have before. I have once in the last like five years, but I was sick, pooped in my bed.

SPEAKER_04 47:32

Pooped in my bed.

SPEAKER_06 47:34

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_05 47:36

There are two wolves.

SPEAKER_04 47:36

There are two wolves in there too.

SPEAKER_05 47:38

There are two wolves in my bed, and one of them shits in it and fucking shoots rope.

SPEAKER_04 47:43

One of them shoots rope and the other one poops in the bed when you leave streaks on your underwear.

SPEAKER_06 47:48

Oh, dude, that was tough. I got so sick and I was at work and I needed like I basically went into like not like a coma, but I was like in Candyland. I just didn't know what was going on and where I was anymore. Also, because I work at a music venue and there's a bunch of flashing lights and just commotion, right? So it's just like whoa, whoa, whoa. But then I went home, I slept for 24 hours, and like it was hard for me to drink water. And then I woke up, drank a little bit of water, thought I had a fart, pooped in the bed. And I could barely move, but I had to move and clean up this has some Neapolitan ass sheets, dude.

SPEAKER_01 48:24

Fucking chocolate shit. Red, white, and blue. Wait, no, it's that's what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_06 48:32

Wait, Neop is Neapolitan red, white and blue? No, red, white and black red.

SPEAKER_01 48:35

No, red, white, and oh brown. You know, Oreo. Really more brown. When I when I was a young man, I had a period of time where I would my mom would buy like, you know, little gotchers and stuff, and I would I would eat one and then I would sneak one in my backpack. And I ate like I I basically built up like a stockpile at school of all these delicious um artificially flavored treats. And there was just a day where I just ate all of them. And she she worked at the school that I I went to. And so I was in her room at the end of the day, and just you know, standing there minding my business, I proceeded to shit my pants so hard. It was it was ridiculous. Um I shit my pants. I shit my pants hard as fuck. And uh and I was wearing I was wearing you know, I was young, I was like I was like second grade, and I was I was wearing like these this these Hulk underwear. Um and I'm colorblind, I couldn't tell, but my mom said that my shit was the same color as the Hulk. She was like, you have a serious problem.

SPEAKER_04 49:43

Yeah. Oh that's insane, dude. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, I'd better be able to do that.

SPEAKER_06 49:51

No, mom, not yet.

SPEAKER_04 49:53

Yes! Go to the bathroom, you're shitting yourself! You're shitting yourself! Yeah, I'm not gonna. He's playing Hitman Resurrection or some shit. No, no, no. That's exactly yeah, literally. Am I gonna wipe yet?

SPEAKER_08 50:11

No, not yet. Go to the bathroom!

SPEAKER_04 50:14

You're shitting yourself!

SPEAKER_08 50:15

I can smell it! I can smell the shit!

SPEAKER_04 50:17

Oh my funny. Not yet. Dude, one time in uh school, I one time in school I or no, this is I got I'm gonna choose between the two here. I did the same thing as you, Connor. I was a little fiend and I wanted food all the time late at night, but I was too afraid to go down the stairs and go to the kitchen and like take stuff out of the fridge. So I don't want my parents to catch me. So I took my Shrek tin um lunchbox, I put KFC chicken, sliced cheese, hot dogs, put it in there, brought it up to my room, put it in my drawer, and that night I was going to pop that shit open and have a fucking nice scrumptious little meal at about midnight, right? And uh and uh essentially I forgot about it for about a month. My parents found it. My parents had found it. And no, it fucking had molded so insane. It molded, I literally never opened it, and it never smelled. It molded so bad that the mold was starting to crawl on the outside of the tin. It was like unrecognizable mold.

SPEAKER_06 51:29

I didn't know you could do that.

SPEAKER_04 51:31

And uh, it was the most filthy fucking thing I've ever seen in my life, and I was I was literally just like, I forgot about it. I did a lot of stupid shit as a kid. One time I threw up on the ground because I had a coughing fit, and instead of waking my parents, I always put a towel over it, and then like two weeks later they found out, and there's just a crusted hard plate of puke on the carpet in my bedroom. It was bad. It was bad.

SPEAKER_06 51:53

I felt like I used to do this thing that was so fucked up, and I feel really bad about it. But um, I when I was like a teen, and I was playing a lot of League of Legends with my friends, my computer got I got to move my computer into the basement, and we had a sink down there that didn't get a lot of use. And I think you can see where this is going. That sink became the pea sink, and in between deaths, because I didn't have enough time to run into the bathroom, I would just rip it in that sink. And the water in that sink always tasted really bad. And I don't know if somehow the pea was then recycled with that water supply.

SPEAKER_04 52:31

God damn. I used to do that with a litter box in my basement. Mom found the pee box!

SPEAKER_08 52:39

Mom found the pee box!

SPEAKER_01 52:42

Were you uh to do that?

SPEAKER_04 52:46

Who, me or or Max?

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Yeah, in the in the litter box in your basement.

SPEAKER_04 52:50

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I used to just I used to pee in I used to pee in precarious places a lot as a kid. I think I accidentally like kind of no it developed a kink? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a piss kink, I'm not pissed on a pink. I think I accidentally got fucking knocked. I have a fist kink, I don't have a fist kink. I don't like it when people fucking golden shower, the piece runs down my chest, down to my balls, I don't like that, I don't like it, I don't like it. It's one time I peed on the wall down there, and then it got like molded, and fucking they had to tear it out and replace it. But I think but I think I am miss I think I am misremembering that story because there was a flood in our basement. I think that's why it the wall had to get flooded.

SPEAKER_06 53:31

If your pee took out a whole fucking wall, that's like a superpower. You know what I mean? That shit is viscous.

SPEAKER_01 53:36

Right. It is. I mean, it was it was it one P or it was like, you know. That was the P wall. I don't even know. Oh, yeah, you keep coming back. I don't keep coming back.

SPEAKER_04 53:47

I think the basement just got flooded, dude. I'm not lying. I I seriously. I'm lucky that's never, yeah, I never had to deal with that. One time I fucking snotted out of my nose in school and it went into my mouth, and then I fucking spat it out of my mouth. Like it was a big warm glob of snot. I was like, this is like second, this is like first, second grade. It went in my mouth. I literally gagged and spit it out and it hit the ground. Like you ever see like a cartoon of a cat spitting up a hairball and it hits the ground and it goes. I literally went pa and it fucking splat on the ground. And then the teacher sent me home, and I was literally like, no, no, no, I wasn't throwing up. I just got a booger in my mouth that did not throw up. But she was like, No, you need to go home. That's crazy. So now I know that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_06 54:29

Oh, dude, I had a hack for that too. Which the day I found out was the best day of my life. If you just went to the pr the health office and say, hey, I have diarrhea, they're like, cool, who do you want to call? Boom.

SPEAKER_04 54:43

Boom.

SPEAKER_06 54:43

I had diarrhea a lot in middle school.

SPEAKER_04 54:46

Yeah. I had pneumonia that almost fucking killed me in elementary school.

SPEAKER_01 54:50

Dude, me too.

SPEAKER_04 54:52

My parents my parents went on a flight, went down to Florida, and left me with my cousins.

SPEAKER_06 54:57

And uh those nasty little fuckers.

SPEAKER_04 55:00

And uh literally the day that they left, I was like wandering the hallways of my school in a daze. Like I was so sick. Looking at the lights were just beating down on me. I went to the I wandered into the nurse's office. I was just like, I'm not I'm not doing so good. I had like a fucking a hundred degree fever. And then I was sick for a week straight. Then my mom and dad came back from Florida and they brought me to the hospital an X-rayed. My whole entire left lung was filled with water or like liquid. And my right lung was like halfway there.

SPEAKER_01 55:31

God, it almost took you out for real.

SPEAKER_04 55:34

It would have been it would have been crazy.

SPEAKER_06 55:37

It would have been bad.

SPEAKER_04 55:39

Um We're about an hour in.

SPEAKER_06 55:44

I think it's time to have like a oh yeah, go for it, go for it.

SPEAKER_04 55:47

I think it's time to I think it's time for press conference. Um, let's do characters. Max, you want to step up to the wait, hold on, I gotta make sure we've agreed on a fucking.

SPEAKER_01 55:58

Also, also, Max, I would just like to clarify, because I feel like there was some confusion about this last time. We're playing characters.

SPEAKER_06 56:07

No, I think I'm also playing a character, right?

SPEAKER_04 56:09

No, no, no, no. Like we're like going off of a list of horrible things you've done. Oh Max.

SPEAKER_06 56:13

Okay, alright. No, wait, I don't know if I uh are you guys gonna make me look like a bad guy?

SPEAKER_04 56:21

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the press conference. We have Max here back again another week. He has committed yet again another just deplorable heinous crime, and he wants to answer some some burning questions from you. What? About the hold on, you're not even on how okay, Max coming up.

SPEAKER_06 56:39

Okay, hey, hey everybody. Everybody's clapping, everybody's snatching. No, it's dead silent. Max, oh man. Um, hey, uh you, sir. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 56:50

Pick me, pick me, be, be, be me.

SPEAKER_04 56:53

Pig me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me up. I got a question. I got me, me, me, me, me. Hey, what's up? I'm uh I'm Tom Kenny, voice of SpongeBob.

SPEAKER_07 57:03

I thought you were dead.

SPEAKER_04 57:05

No, hold on. I'm sorry, I have I have poor improv skills, but it's me, Tom Kenny. I'm Tom Kenny. What ply from uh SpongeBob News? You know what I'm saying? Um shut up. Oh. What ply of toilet paper do you use? I everyone wants to know. That's the burning question of the night. What ply of toilet paper do you use?

SPEAKER_06 57:36

I think two. I mean, it's just right. I get whatever's at the bodega, and I don't think they have very nice products.

SPEAKER_04 57:44

Sorry, my estophageal cancer is not doing well lately. All right, that's all for me.

SPEAKER_01 57:51

I just want to know what kind of ply of toilet paper you use becausey Brown, books actor for Mr. Krabs, uh also from Spongebob.

SPEAKER_08 58:11

I thought you were dead! What the fuck? No!

SPEAKER_01 58:14

Very alive still and a pretty active career, if you were wondering. Um glad to hear it. Do you do you often uh how how how how should I say this? Um are you one to frequently pay for sex?

SPEAKER_06 58:33

Uh sorry for laughing at that question, but uh no, I have never paid for sex before in my life. Um I'm unsure where you'd even go to do something like that. Um, I've never never once have I engaged. The guy who sounds like he's uh courtroom away. Pick me me. That guy, hello me.

SPEAKER_04 58:59

Hello, it's me, Samuel Ortega. It's me, Samuel Ortega. Hey, it's me, Samuel Ortega. From from press secretary. Hello.

SPEAKER_05 59:07

Hello, Samuel Ortega.

SPEAKER_04 59:09

You say that you're not you say that you don't pay for for sex, is that true? You just said that the whole this we're I mean, we're here because of that. We're here because of that. I'm wondering, did you even pay her when you were done after you so viciously assaulted her? Did you even pay her?

SPEAKER_05 59:27

No, I didn't I didn't engage in any behavior. That was promised repair.

SPEAKER_06 59:34

That's not what she said. I have not assaulted anybody. That's not what she said. I don't know what kind of kangaroo card you can run here. Stinky, stinky man, you're stinky man.

SPEAKER_03 59:43

No, I'm not stinking.

SPEAKER_06 59:48

I may be two ply stinky man, little maxi's two ply, right? But I didn't, I did not pay for any sex. Or sorry, any sexual activity, and I did not attack.

SPEAKER_03 59:59

Fuck this guy, call me, it's me, call me. Me, me, me, me!

SPEAKER_06 1:00:03

Mr.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:03

Traffic, Mr. Traffic, Mr. Traffic.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:05

Oh, the the the low-voice guy, and then we'll go to the guy from the back. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:10

Hello, hello, Mr. Good to see you again, Mr. Traffic. It's Renegade Daniel. Uh this time I'm I'm representing Renegade brothels. Um I'd just like to.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:20

What? That's legit business. Where are we? Las Vegas?

SPEAKER_04 1:00:23

Um, there's a press conference, sir. Please calm down. Renegade Daniel at the end.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:28

Well, so here's here's the thing. Here's the thing. You know, I guess I I'd like to apologize on this public forum for outing you in such a way as a frequent customer.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:37

Um I've never been to Renegade Broncos.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:40

Uh that's not what the I'm in a I'm I'm Renegade Account. I'm my name is a Renegade Accountant, and uh that's just not true. I have proof of you being there. Alright, I didn't mean I'm I'm done. I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:54

So, you know, I would just like to clarify. The um are you still open for the the brand collab for the Neapolitan sheets? Or is that Are you trying to distance yourself from our brand? Because we've spoken in depth about this, and I just want to make sure that we're still on. Uh manufacturing is in motion.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:18

I Mr. Daniels, if you can have your people contact my people, I'd like to plead the fifth on this question.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:27

Interesting, interesting. I'm still boomer.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:30

I do have one more one more quick question. Should we still keep the number five max special on the uh where?

SPEAKER_06 1:01:37

On the for the sheets or at the brothel?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:39

At the at the brothel.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:41

I've na like I said, I've never been to this establishment. I don't know why you'd have a number five max special, unless there's a different max. There's a lot of maxes out there, actually.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:50

Um, you know, it's the it's the number five Maxwell Prometheus traffic.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:55

Okay, yeah. No, that sounds like it could be anybody. Really, but uh, I would say this. I don't want to interfere in your business. You know, I think that you should leave that decision up to you, you know, figure that one out internally. Understood. Yeah. Mr. Traffic, Mr. Traffic, come on over here. Hey, the guy with the lit cigar. It's me. I should I should put that out.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:21

Sir, can you put that out, please? Sir, I told you you're not supposed to. I'm sorry. I'll put it out right now. It's me, Snutz, D Snutz, with I'm poop detective. And I just wanted to say, I've heard you're a bit of a sitting scruncher. Is that right, say?

SPEAKER_06 1:02:37

I do.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:38

You sit and scrunch, say. I've heard that you don't even wipe till it's clean down there, say.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:46

I uh where would you have heard that?

SPEAKER_04 1:02:49

Your chocolate starfish is certainly dirty, isn't it, say?

SPEAKER_06 1:02:54

It's uh no, I think I wiped the normal amount until there's no you don't see anything left of the paper.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:00

Then why don't why don't why why have I found poo poo dude stinky stains on your car, say? The scene of the crime.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:08

I d I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:10

I sniffed and licked and cleansed your seat, and I saw a lot of poopy stinky seats.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:16

I think you shouldn't be licking people's sheets. I wasn't, I mean, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:18

Not sheets, seats, seats, seats, seats.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:21

I don't think you should be licking people's seats either.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:24

And you meet a lot of people in your car, say, and you scam a lot of people in your car, say? Stinky little poopy butthole, don't you? You got fucking streaks all over your seat. Now everyone knows.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:36

Everybody knows. I would like to move on from this line of questioning.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:40

Alright, but I'm I'm gonna fucking kill you someday. You hear me? I'm gonna break your fucking knee. You can't do that.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:49

You can't do that!

SPEAKER_04 1:03:50

Someone get him out of here.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:53

I'm leaving now. Bye. Oh my god, can someone help me get a restraining order against that guy?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:59

Hello, it's me, Mr. R Straining. Call on me, please. I have a question. Yes, Mr. R Straining, yes. I will never give you a restraining order. Fuck you. Walks out. Turns around and walks out.

unknown 1:04:11

Come on.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:12

Mr. Traffic. Mr. Traffic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, it's it's Green Thumb Green Thump Thomas from Environmentalist News.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:20

Hey, Thomas.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:21

I'd just like to flip the script on this press conference here. It's sounding like a lot of these people are coming at you a little bit hostile, and I would just like to thank you.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:29

Fuck you!

SPEAKER_01 1:04:30

Um as an environmentalist champion saving paper where very few are too scared to do so. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:50

Um you know, I'm just doing my part. I think, you know, people people don't really think about how do I say this? A lot of people disregard their responsibility to the environment, right? But if we all just stop start thinking, well, it doesn't matter if I recycle, the big corporations are dumping pollutants into our water all the time. Then the problem's just it can continue. We all need to do our little part to make sure the earth is safe and still live in it.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:16

Yeah, dude, I respect this guy. He lets it crust, he doesn't waste paper. I respect this man.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:23

Thank you. I don't let it crust, but I do my best to not use a lot of paper, even though I scrunch. Are there any more questions?

SPEAKER_04 1:05:33

Dude, the door swings open, it's decent, he's got a gun, he shoots you in the fucking chest. Told you I'd fucking kill yourself, hey. Spits on you, he walks up and spits on you.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:48

So I'm dead now? No, you're dead now. Well, Mr. Traffic, what are your dying words? Is your last words? I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:55

I've never paid for sex nor assaulted anybody, but sometimes I might let it go.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:01

Might fucking know what's right. Alright, alright, Max.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:06

Wait. Yeah, so I have to guess the crime. Right. There seemed to be a lot of directions on this one.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:15

This is kind of we we did better this time. We did better this time.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:18

Was it that I did I did I uh poop myself while paying for sex in my car, and then I threw the poop at the woman?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:30

That's exactly it, yeah. No, it's not that I it's so funny that once again, once again, we forgot to tell the audience to fucking bit. I don't even know how you go about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:44

Yeah, I feel like this is just the way it's gonna be now. Um no one no one knows. Uh was it?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:50

Uh Connor, go ahead. You I I re I I revealed it last time.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:55

You did not wipe your ass for a full day and you met a hooker. The kind of background lore is that the hooker reported the crime because she went down for a rim and found Crazy Brown.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:11

Um Crazy Brown downtown. Yeah, no, that was gonna be really hard to get to.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:17

Next time we do this, I gotta like somehow work it in that you've been revived, you were resuscitated at the scene, and then went out and committed another crime.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:25

I'm a horrible how am I not in jail? Lock me up, dude. Just like OJ.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:32

Yeah. If the glove fits. Well, you didn't do it. If the glove fits, you must have quit.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:36

Wait, I don't want to I don't want to say that. Got that, got that. No, that's actually that is where it's like.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:40

It is exactly that's exactly. Alright, thank you for watching. Uh Untitled Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:48

Three logs. Three logs.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:50

Are we committing to three logs?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:54

We'll come up with something else next episode. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:59

The podcast that just changes every time we record.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:02

Yeah, that's that's good for branding. I was gonna say untitled podcast, but I'm almost positive some fucking That's gotta like exist. Untitled podcast.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:10

But it's not surrounded, man.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:13

It's real. 33 subscribers, 24 subscribers. It's such a common theme that there's so many fucking nobodies with this name.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:24

We haven't put on nobody.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:25

We're also nobodies. We're also nobodies. I'm saying that as a nobody, I'm saying that as a nobody. I'm saying that as a nobody. I am a nobody, we are all nobodies. Internet wise, internet wise, not even in real life. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Even in real life, even in real life, we're cool people, we're cool people, we have friends, but like on the internet, we're all nobodies. Right. Yeah. There we go. Saved. Phew. So you guys see that one. You guys see that? Is real and Hamas just agreed on the first, like, uh It's done, it's done. Wrap it up, bro.