She wants to Podcast. He does not.

Welcome to the first episode of Against His Will! Married comedy couple Ester Steinberg and Noah Gardenswartz meet in their living room to discuss their week, Las Vegas headlines, Ester's upcoming Birthday, and unearth some old jokes to see if they can be resurrected. 

Listen, Subscribe, Tell your friends.

Any questions please email the podcast: againsthiswillpod@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is Against His Will, the podcast where we have my husband, Noah Garden Swartz, the very funny and very doesn't want to do this.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

So we named it against his will. I am podcasting against my will, although I am here. I gave Esther a few stipulations. I was like, I will try a podcast with you. First of all, no guarantee I'll stick with it. Second of all, you're gonna have to set everything up because I'm horrible at technology. Third of all, how often are you gonna pop in and out of frame? Third of all, and this is most important, I need to be able to do it from home in my sweatpants. So this is uh this is me podcasting at home in my sweatpants. We are in our house on our couch. This is no professional podcast set, believe it or not. We are welcoming all of you into our home podcasting.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

It's not a virtual. Do you know about the there was like someone some chick on the internet and her filter was like glitching and people were so mad the filter's not gonna glitch and they're gonna be like, wait, wait, wait, they're in and uh.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Now I do want to address something. This is the first episode, but it's actually the second take of the first episode. There is a steep learning curve when it comes to podcasting. We tried podcasting.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Allegedly, this is the first episode.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

We tried podcasting for the first time last week. I am new to this, and I was unaware that when I'm not the one talking, I should take the microphone away from my mouth so you cannot hear the worst heavy breathing of all time. We played back the episode, and I was like, Oh, how was it? And Esther was like, It was good, but there's a slight problem.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

I was like, I'm fair, but I'm like, we can fix it, we can fix it. Like the silver lining is you were hilarious, you looked great.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

The the And I said, what was the problem? And she goes, We could hear your breathing. And I'm thinking, how bad could it be? I let her play.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

No, he goes, go to the part with the breathing, and I'm like, the part, it's the entire so I go, all right, just pick a random spot.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

She plays it for 10 seconds. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was the worst, most disgusting, most disturbing, heavy breathing.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

And by the way, can we go through what you're sensitive of?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Well, yes, but I I just want to say, after hearing that, if that is the breathing that you are forced to listen to as my wife, like if that's what I sound like just sitting next to you on the couch watching TV, thank you for not divorcing me yet, because I wanted to off myself. It was the worst sound ever. As a matter of fact, roll the clip. This was any 10-second snippet. You could literally pick any random point, play it for 10 seconds. This is what it sounded like on our first attempt to podcast.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

The youngest of three that's been shell-shocked.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

You're the youngest of three, I'm the youngest of three.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

So two sisters that are diabolical in different ways. There's no winning. You if you wanted to win between my two older sisters, you will lose. So you but I do want to say, and this is good relationship advice for everybody. I'm gonna take joint responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Do you see how I'm keeping the mic by my way?

SPEAKER_00 3:05

You don't because you shouldn't have to do that. Because I am the audio engineer and I didn't put on the microphones, I didn't do the sound check. We just did a very annoying sound check to make sure that things do sound right and they're on this right settings.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

But here's the issue. I don't think. But do you see that?

SPEAKER_00 3:20

I'm taking joint. One of the things about a good relationship is you take joint responsibility. Oh, you didn't tell me that. Well, you should have reminded me. You know what? It's both of our faults. Your heavy breathing. I take full credit, I take half credit.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

I appreciate you falling on the sword for some of it, but the point is, I heard myself breathing for the first time, and I was horrified, especially as someone who suffers from misophonia, which you think is a made-up condition.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Well, why don't we explain what the made-up condition is?

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Misophonia is a condition where you're incredibly sensitive to particular sounds, and certain sounds are like triggers that make you irrationally angry. So for me, the sound of anyone eating, the sound of people chewing, the sound of slurping soup, slurping coffee, grumpy for no reason, chewing gum, the sound of metal silverware hitting your teeth. These are all things that make me incapable.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

What do you attribute it to?

SPEAKER_01 4:15

I think it started at an early age. My father was a loud chewer. My father used to eat with his mouth open. He loved a good potato chip. So imagine growing up as a young child with no agency over what's happening at your dinner table, and your father's just chomping away and you can't do anything about it. So anyway.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

And that created the fact that now if I eat anything, if I have if I'm on the couch and we're watching a movie and I sip some hot tea, not aggressively, just a normal sip, he's very triggered.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

But I also have learned, even though I know that's not easy to live with, I don't lash out, I don't yell, I will respectfully go, Do you need some time to finish your tea? I'll leave the room, I'll let you drink your tea, and then we can go back to watching the TV show. Perfectly normal, if you ask me. As a matter of fact, I would argue thoughtful.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

But so how do you do in the movie theater with the popcorn?

SPEAKER_01 5:13

I don't go to movie theaters anymore. I the one of the last movie going experiences, I remember I was sitting next to an old woman who was eating popcorn one kernel at a time. So it was like death by a thousand cuts. I would have hated it regardless, but I'd rather like a sloppy popcorn eater who just takes big bites, gets it over with, and like 10 minutes later I don't have to deal with the popcorn. I was starting to feel sweat slowly trickle on the back of my neck and drip down out of like stress of the anticipation for every popcorn kernel to say, ma'am, could you please eat popcorn in the other room? It took everything in my power not to. I I promise you that.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

But anyway, the point is three sensitive things because the light is also by the way.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Oh, there's so many sensitive things. I didn't realize how sensory sensitive I was until I married someone who's apparently numb to everything that happens in the world.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

No, but I'm emotionally sensitive, and you remind me of that every morning.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

That's true. In fairness to me, I'm not emotionally sensitive. I'm not insensitive, I'm just I don't take things personally. You are quite sensitive.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

I could see a rock in the on the ground, and it's giving me a weird look.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

So, anyway, I'm sensitive to sound, and then I heard myself being the culprit of what I'm most sensitive to, and it was a horrible feeling. But that's why we are now on take two of episode one, which is appropriate because Esther does a funny thing with her birthdays, which is coming up. She's turning 36 this year.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Infinity. I'm ageless.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

You're infinity years old. I think that's where the point I was trying to make is every year you say it's blah, blah, blah, 29 for the X time. So this year you're turning 36. I think it's funny you say you're 29 for the seventh time. There we go. So what I'm saying is on our podcast, this is the first episode for the second time. Hopefully, I've learned my lesson. I will move the microphone away from me when I need to breathe, and we will not have to do the first episode for the third time.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

I don't think you have to move the microphone away because I feel like I've changed the audience.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

We can we can move on.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

Noah I was thinking about our dynamic, and you know, like dance partners, and you are the leader of a dance. You are a leader of pod. You can shift us and dance the way you feel like.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

I am not the leader of this pod. Remember, it is called against his will. I'm only here in the great words of Marshawn Lynch. I'm only here so I don't get fined. Although I will tell you another positive, though. One, I I want to give this podcast props. The other thing is because we decided to shoot it on the couch with the kitchen in the background, you clean the hell out of the kitchen. So, right now, I will say, five minutes into the podcasting career, I am in my own home in sweatpants with a clean kitchen behind me. So sign me up for podcasting ten times out of ten.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Against his will. I it's funny because I usually like to do a little hair, a little makeup, and this time I was just like scrubbing the counters, like as if it was part of the glam. So, oh I cleaned the counters, did the hair, did the eyeliner.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

So now there's kitchen glam on top of face glam.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yes, which is all I needed. Put that on my plate.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

And again, to be clear, I could not even be bothered to put in my contacts.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

She was like, should I wear contacts? I'm like, eh.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

I'm wearing the sweatpants that I wore to school drop off this morning. I sat down, and here we are.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

What a week. We had a week.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

We had a week. We had a month, but we had a week.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

We had a lot of visitors, and not one visitor, it was the death by a thousand cuts. Not one visitor was wrong. Not one visitor bothered me. But the accumulation of 16 visitors in the wonderful month of February really cramped my sanity.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

We live in Las Vegas, if you don't know, which is one of the cities in America where there's always going to be people visiting and they don't know a lot of people here. So if you live in Vegas, you will always have friends or family coming to Vegas, reaching out. Sometimes they plan a trip to come see you, and sometimes they just happen to be in town and want to see you.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

Do you think they're lying when they're like, I want to visit you? And they actually just want to go to a strip club in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

No, I mean, well, let me do I went to a strip club with my friends who are in town, and it was fun just to go, but Vegas is no longer a town you go to for the strip clubs.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

I mean, we went to one of the fun things we did is we went to the grand opening of Zero Bond at the Wynn, very fancy.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Okay, so this is this week's this week in Vegas. We're gonna do a segment, not necessarily in any particular order, but one of the segments we're gonna do this week in Vegas. So this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

News stories we can talk about.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

Well, sure, but I'd rather just hear what happened to you this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

Oh, personal.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah, I don't care about what happened in Vegas. I'm I'm not a fucking news outlet. I'm not here to report what happened in Vegas to people around the country.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

I was gonna say that Excalibur is going down, as is Circus Circus.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Those have both that's not this week in Vegas, that's the past two decades in Vegas. Oh, Excalibur and Circus Circus are going down, that happened this week. No, that happened since 1992.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Well, we talked about doing this week in Vegas. I literally screenshotted a couple of news stories about Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

So again, good lesson in communication. When I said let's do a this week in Vegas segment, I mean what happened to you this week in Vegas? So forgetting any news that doesn't pertain to us, what happened in your life in Vegas this week? That was interesting.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

Well, we had a show that we do at Bagel Mania. Um, shout out to Siegel's Bagel Mania, and we get to the show, interesting enough, in separate cars because Noah had plans afterwards. And then he gets there early because he's Noah, and I get there late, and I'm just cruising on in, and he was like, Gotta go. Moses bit his tongue. So our kid bit his tongue, and I was and then I freaked out, and he goes, Don't freak out. And I was like, I'm allowed to freak out. And he goes, You run the show, I'm gonna go home and take him to the ER.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Yes, my point in telling her not to freak out was not that she didn't have the right as the mother of a five-year-old who just got notified that our son potentially bit through his tongue and needed stitches. Was I had a limited amount of time to get information across so that I could go pick him up and take him to the hospital while she could make sure the show was running smoothly. And if she's freaking out, it was just gonna delay all the things that need to happen for everyone's best interest to be served.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

So as people came in, they were like, Oh, hi, we're checking in. And I was like, No, it's not here, he's at the ER.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Yeah, which is a great way to start the vibe of a comedy show. That's how you want your audience, a bunch of old Jews that truly came for pastrami first, comedy second. Let's tell them about a five-year-old who bit through his tongue.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

And then apparently the babysitter, when I did talk to her, she was like, Oh yeah, Moses kept screaming, is my tongue gone? Did I bite my tongue off?

SPEAKER_01 12:12

And it seemed like he did. So I rush home, we're an hour from showtime. I rush home, I pick him up, his tongue looks awful. He bit all the way across, luckily not all the way through. So his tongue wasn't disconnected, but it was a very deep cut that was bleeding profusely. He was dancing, he was doing dance videos with the babysitter. He tried to do a fancy move where he jumps on the couch. Spoiler alert, he missed the couch, completely got his tongue. So I take him to the hospital, uh, and after about an hour and a half, they see us. I'm envisioning having to deal with a five-year-old screaming about getting stitches in her tongue. Luckily, the doctor was like, it is a bad cut, but it's just shallow enough where we don't need to do stitches. The tongue is an amazing organ, it actually heals itself better than any part of the body. He's like, a good night's sleep, soft food for three days. Next week it'll seem like nothing ever happened. And we're about a week out, and thankfully, his tongue is back to normal. He's eating food, we didn't need stitches, and it healed on its own. And here's the best part I made it back to the show in time to go up right before our last comic.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

So that that's he also broke a very important habit.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Ah, true. That was the silver lining of it all. Our son has been an avid thumb sucker for two and a half years. We've been trying to get him to stop, and he no longer sucks his thumb because he literally can't. For the last week, he kicked a habit.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Yay, this week in Vegas. The show was amazing. Noah walked in exactly when his spot was so no, he walked in while I was on stage and I was doing great pretty pretty amazing. And then he walks in and doesn't even miss a beat, didn't time me, just walks in with the light. With the light, get off stage. He just bolts in the door and is like, get off stage, which is the light.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

You can't. I asked Lauren with the light. Our friend Lauren, who was hosting the show, I asked her, How long has she been on stage? And she was like, Well, she said she was gonna do 15. She's been on for about 10, and I said, Okay, you can light her.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

And you lit me.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Because yes, because she didn't have the cuts, but she didn't light me. But it's not like I walked in, had no clue if we were on your first joke. Because all right, get this bitch on stage. Daddy's got some tongue tails to tell.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Yeah, yeah. And it was actually really, really good. He was like, Oh, guess where I was, and everyone was like, at the EO.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

It was like a call and response. The entire crowd, we were briefed, we know.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Yeah, the whole the whole show was really good.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

Shout out to Summerlin Hospital. Thank you for seeing my son quickly enough for me to get out of there and back to the show.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah, it's a nice to have a nice hospital.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

And then Esther instantly, because my son bit his tongue while doing a dance video, even though it really has nothing to do with dancing. He's a five-year-old, things are gonna happen. She likes banned dancing. Our house is now Footloose. We are the movie Footloose. Music is banned in the house. She's like, no more dance videos. We're not playing music.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

That's a movie I want to put on my list.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

You've never seen Footloose?

SPEAKER_00 15:14

There's like a I need to start a list of movies I've never seen that end up with you going, you've never seen Footloose? Like, there's a long list of movies.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

What's the most popular or famous movie you've never seen?

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Uh Shawshank Redemption.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

You've never seen Shaq. I'm just joking.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

Eight Mile?

SPEAKER_01 15:34

You've never Okay. The Shawshank was a joke. The Eight Mile was an actual natural reaction. You've truly never seen Eight Mile. You're married to me and you've never seen Eight Mile.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Because I'm married to you. Oh, you feel like you kids love, by the way, the kids love white rappers naturally. They love Eminem and Ball with the Ball, uh, uh Kid Rock.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Okay, we're not throwing kid. I know Kid Rock started as a rapper, but Kid Rock is definitely not getting put in the pantheon of white white rappers.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Fine kids.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Also, they're three years old and five years old, so I would actually say that's on us. If if you if they like white rappers, that means we are not exposing them to enough rap in general.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

They love rap. Also, amazingly enough, some of the worst and best white rappers they like as well.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Again, that does not reflect well on us. But the fact that we're not. I'm putting a kibosh on. This is not a parents talking about their kids podcast. That was another one of my stipulations. I need to be able to wear sweatpants, and this is not time for mommy and daddy to rehash what's going on with our kids. I will allow talking about the kids because this week in Vegas, aside from Excalibur and Circus Circus going downhill, was our son almost losing a tongue while we were trying to put on a local comedy show. But beyond that, we're gonna move on.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

But you had the most eventful Vegas. You had friends, uh, yeah, I okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

In-laws you had I had a week last week because I had four of my friends come to Vegas to surprise me. By the way, wonderful gesture. Couldn't think of anything nicer than a bunch of friends wanting to surprise me in Vegas. But when your friend is married with young kids, a surprise visit is not the move. I'm living a real life here. I can't just drop everything to accommodate a bunch of dudes that want to party in Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

There is a pattern of men. We love men and we support men. We want them to have good mental health. But men have a lot of good intention. They bring a box of donuts, like good intention, and a woman on a diet is like, Are you fucking joking? They bring something or they come with all the good intention, it's a gift, but they don't think things through, and that's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

So the metaphor of my friends bringing a box of donuts is actually bringing themselves to Las Vegas without really giving me time to prepare for a visit. But you're a trooper, you gave me the nights, like once the kids were asleep, you're like, go have fun with your friends. And honestly, even though I live in Vegas, I live a very normal suburban dad lifestyle. I don't go out, I almost never go to the strip unless I have a show. But this week was a party week in Vegas. I am 99% sober. I used to be a huge pothead. I don't smoke weed anymore. I very rarely ever drink. I almost never eat shrooms anymore. This week with my friends in town, one night.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

What was the drink called?

SPEAKER_01 18:35

I got drunk high, ate shrooms, and ended up at a strip club. So it was a Vegas night and it was fun. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my name.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

50% of non-sobriety came in handy.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Well, I mean, if you're gonna do it, do it. Uh so we went to this place, I forget the name. It was it's the bar on top of resorts world. It's got a great view of the entire strip. It's awesome. I think it's called like Alley 66, whatever the lounge is called. We went there and it's a gorgeous setting, and they just have a preset cocktail menu. And the drinks that looked best to my friends and I is called the Pink Pony.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

And it's like middle-aged men from Denver are now can't get enough of this pink drink.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

It was like a grapefruit vodka pink drink, but it was delicious. But the thing is, I'm six foot four, 240-ish pounds, depending on where I'm at for the week. But I'm a big dude. I'm average size for my group of friends. My best friend in the world is six foot eight. So, like, I grew up with a basketball crew, we're big dudes, and you just see a bunch of big dudes drinking pink cocktails at the Vegas Lounge.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

The first night was like, huh, what's this? I guess I'll have a, I don't know, pink pony. And then the next night it's like pink pony, pink pony, pink pony.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

My friends were staying at Resorts World, so we ended up at the same lounge at the end of the night. And so, yes, the first night we were like, I guess we'll try the pink pony. And then by the second night, we're walking in like pink pony for all the boys around the pink pony.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

He just like comes home drunk one night and he's like, the pink pony got me again.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

It was fun, it was a good time. Now, I will say, we went to a bad Vegas strip club. If you're going to do a strip club in any city, don't go to the bad one.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

And this is the one we've gone to together. We've gone to this bad strip club.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Is it the only strip club you've ever been to, even though you're from Tampa?

SPEAKER_00 20:18

I've been to like Mons Venus for five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 20:21

So we went to the peppermint hippo, which is a knockoff.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

And usually I love a good knockoff.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

That's the only reason I'm name checking it. That's the only reason I'm bringing it up. I think it's hilarious that in Vegas, the off brand is a knockoff of a strip club. So there's a very popular one called the Spearmint Rhino. And then if you want the lower grade spearmint rhino, there's another place that opened up and called themselves the peppermint hippo.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

It's like Jimmy Moo shoes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

It'd be like Timmy Barbados instead of Tommy Bahama. Like if you if you wanted a Walmart version of Boo shoes.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

Like, what was this?

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Peppermint peppermint hippo is what my is what my father would refer to the spearmint rhino if he thought he was actually calling it the spearmint rhino, yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

With who? Alan Shamelele and uh Dina Manzella.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

Tony Shalamu, and he went to the Peppermint Rhino. The Peppermint hippo. Of the Spearman Rhino. Yeah. So anyway, we we had a good time, but it was kind of depressing being in there. It's depressing. Strip clubs are depressing by nature if you actually sit and think about why you're there or what you're doing or who's working. But there's also another layer of being depressing being in a bad strip club.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

That's just that's the only way to do it. Now, I don't understand why they don't have what I want on the menu. They should have so obviously there's the lap dance, there's the they weren't doing much dancing, and that's a problem for me. I'm like, I want to see some dancing. I want to go to a dance recital, but in a thong, whatever it is. I want to see some Cardi B stuff. Obviously, that doesn't happen there because they are No, they were dancing. Okay, good. They were dancing.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Vegas has done this weird. Thing is, strip clubs where now they've kind of taken away the lap dance. Now it's essentially women on stage actually dancing, or they try to get you for all your money in the back room. But there's no which has happened. Two friends of ours happened to a friend with a video camera. Well, yeah, they videotape you signing the clipboard so you can't call the next day and be like, someone stole my credit card. They're like, No, we have you.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Who owns that footage? Can we obtain it just for a 50th birthday party? I what I want is what I've always said I want on the menu is the savior complex. A woman who comes in like me, who's like, oh yeah, I'll just hang with the guys. And then what I really want is to convince someone working there to apply for college and become a nurse or a health coach or a yoga teacher. I want to go into the VIP room and I want them to perform, because I understand I'm not gonna save a hoe, but I want them to give. Let me tell you something else. Uh, these guys are not getting attention and love and affection in TLC without the cash. It's not real.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

So it's all acting. You do realize how significant of a pay cut a lot of these women would be taking to go from Vegas stripper to nurse or yoga instructor.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

No, I don't care what happens. I need to feel like a savior, just like a guy needs to feel like a whatever they're there to feel.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Not a savior.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

They're not trying to feel like a savior. I am. So give me the option that we go to the VIP strip club and they pretend that I am saving them for a lot of money. I'll pay the VIP room. And I don't know. Well, let me tell you something. Nurses can work literally 24 hours a day around the clock. They do make a good living. Strippers can only work a certain time. You really think that the income is different?

SPEAKER_01 23:53

I'm not anti-nurse. I'm not taking an anti-nurse stance. Of course, we need nurses. What I'm saying is strippers in Vegas make a lot more money than nurses.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

I would say both dealing with disgusting people.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

They're both dealing with unwanted fluid.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

Yeah. And I think the pay is probably equal if you if if you include the 401k, the pension.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Again, I I don't I don't check the the pay the pay stubs for either profession, but I would bet that the average stripper makes more than the average nurse and certainly works a lot less.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

But but longevity.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

How can I there yeah, the the shelf life of a stripper, the career window.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

However, in Vegas, they will go, they will get old.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

In Atlanta, there's the Claremont Lounge, which the whole point is it's strippers in their like 50s and 60s. The whole point is like it's a kind of gross strip club, but it's the novelty of it. It's funny. You go there to like prank your boys with a lap dance.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

I am all for legally getting money wherever and however anyone feels comfortable. I just I want to feel certain things. I want to feel like a savior. Where can I go?

SPEAKER_01 25:08

Start by going to your local comedy club and start telling comedians to stop pursuing comedy.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Yeah, that is a new thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

I wish someone would have come to our strip club, the comedy club, and been taking us to the back and be like, look, you don't have to do this. Go get your nursing degree.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

So sad. Truly a sad moment. Not funny.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Okay, so so I had my fun week with my boys. You have a fun week coming up. Next week, you're throwing yourself a birthday party. What are you doing for your birthday party?

SPEAKER_00 25:44

We're gonna do a sound bath. I found the real deal. Um, an old lady with gray hair, which is what we want from our sound bath, and she has all these instruments that are like ancient carved from a cave in Italy. She's bringing that. We're gonna get some Greek food from Meraki, and I'm going to have nine friends, and I would be 10. 10 people. Ten people is the size of the party I want.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

So this is and I like to dose everyone with mushrooms, and I'm not sure that moms in their 40s are down, but I will try so the birthday party you're throwing for yourself is a sound bath with Greek salads, but if you have it your way, it will also include dosing these women with shrooms.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Yes, and I have a feeling that people are gonna come with bottles of wine, like, oh, it's a dinner party, I'll bring wine. And I kind of want to message people and be like, I don't want wine. I know what I want, and it's mushrooms. And I have them. I'm not asking you to bring anything, I'm asking you to take something.

SPEAKER_01 26:43

And how long is the sound bath gonna be?

SPEAKER_00 26:46

I think we said about 50 minutes, and then we'll do dinner after. I'm thinking people come in, appetizers go to the balcony.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

Are you gonna try to give them the shrooms before the sound bath? We need it.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Honestly, they should be taking the shrooms at pickup because these things take a little bit to kick in.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

So I'm gonna go out there and say, as delicious as a Meraki salad is that's definitely on the list of food I don't want to eat when I'm tripping shrooms is a Greek salad.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

I don't think we're gonna trip. I think we're gonna microdose.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Do you remember in Hawaii we tripped and before we were going snorkeling and we only ate a little bit? We only ate a little bit of shrooms, and we went to eat poke bowls and mid wrong food. Mid-raw tuna bite, I realized I was tripping, and my whole world changed.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

It was just like you could feel the fish kind of swimming around in your mouth and your eyes.

SPEAKER_01 27:38

If you're gonna eat with shrooms, you want a cup of orange juice and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

You want like sweet cucumber and feta cheese?

SPEAKER_01 27:47

Oh, that sounds horrible. But anyway, I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I think it will be.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

No one's going to take mushrooms.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

But you're but you're like stressing out. You decide to throw yourself a birthday party, then it's become this burden where you're wondering for everyone to have uh, you know, will everyone be able to lay out comfortably during the sound bath? Do I want, even though I don't want cake, do I supply my own birthday with a cake that they may or may not want?

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah, like the question is I want to control everything, which includes food, which includes the entertainment, which includes making women stop talking.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

And my job for the night is to fuck off with the kids. Professor taking the boys and am not allowed to be in the home for six to eight hours.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

And I want, yeah, and the conversation I want is nothing. The what I don't want is to hear anyone blabbing about pickup line. I want them laying on the ground, vibing to an old lady with gray hair, like going like dong dong, while they're like having a trippy moment. And I feel like that is how I want to bring in my 29th birthday for the millionth infinity time. And I also think 36. 36 is double cut. So this is a segment idea, the joke graveyard, jokeyard.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

The jokeyard.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

The unearth old jokes that never saw the light of day.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

Yeah. So again, this is not jokes we're working on that we're currently excited about. It's jokes that never worked, or joke ideas we had 10, 15 years ago that maybe we're going to try to breathe new life into.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

It's like a plant that's completely dead, but you're like, can I just give it a little water and a little fertilizer? And can we make this thing bloom? Most likely, no.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

All right. Well, you kick it off. What's your and by the way, I'm gonna limit it to one joke each. You look disappointed. I did you eight jokes. Well, hopefully on episode 38, you'll get through them.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

Okay, there is a joke that I never really got to do ever, but it's an idea. We went to the Vatican for the honeymoon and we walked around, and I am not making this up. Every single statue in the Vatican is a man and is penisless. They've all lost their penis. For whatever reason, I raised my hand and was like, uh, what happened? And the docent said that too many priests were chipping their teeth. The dental work got a little too costly, and they just decided to remove all the penises.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

So that is the joke, is that the people who work at the Vatican were phalleting these statues, so they had to remove the penis. Now, have you actually ever tried that joke on stage? I think maybe once in like a bar when they were just or were you too scared to even try it for fear of offending Catholics and the Vatican?

SPEAKER_00 30:42

I'm literally only offending the four people who live in the Vatican City.

SPEAKER_01 30:48

Which is a country. You're you're insulting an entire country.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

Yes, and I'm not afraid, but yeah, I do I do think it's incredibly peculiar that all the penises are gone, and how can I make that funny? And I think I figured it out, but like the cost effects of the dental work were just a little too heavy for the Vatican, for the country.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

I'm gonna say I think there are definitely ways you could take it where you could do something suggestive or perverted about why they had to remove the penises. But I think when you're talking about religious men sucking a bunch of statue dicks, I I don't know that you're ever gonna get it to work.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

It's not really sucking, it's chipping their teeth.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

Oh, thank you for clarifying. They're trying to bite the dicks.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Well, what else that was the problem?

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Now I understand.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

What if I do like a mob of divorcees came in and took out their aggression?

SPEAKER_01 31:43

I think that would be a little safer, not as funny, but a little bit better.

SPEAKER_00 31:47

They didn't want the children to see and it would remind them of their childhood trauma.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

Now here's now here's something I have to ask. Is this like when you do edgy jokes, it's always the risk reward or how important is it to you? Like sometimes there's a joke you're passionate about and you're actually trying to say something, so even if it doesn't work or it's not that funny, but you're like pointing holding up a mirror to society about something you care about, then it's like, all right, keep doing the joke. How much do you actually care about what this joke is saying?

SPEAKER_00 32:15

I mean, what I'm saying is that priests are naughty.

unknown 32:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

I could say that the Boy Scout leaders were chipping their teeth on them on the family on the See, that would be fun.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

I think it would be funny if you said the Vatican found out every time a visiting troop of Boy Scouts came, they were chipping their teeth. Or Boy Scout leaders. Because then you're like implicating two different known pedophilic entities.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

Wow, what a good I for the record, still don't think the joke's gonna work, nor do I think you should keep on doing it.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

But I think you write the joke. Your job is to create, not to judge. You do what tickles you, and if it tickles someone else, good for them. It is comedy cannot be for them, it must be tickling you.

SPEAKER_01 33:07

Okay, so for the record, it's your art, do what you want, but my final verdict would be make Boy Scout leaders the bad guys in talking about the Vatican's penisless.

SPEAKER_00 33:19

It's a misdirection now because you think I'm gonna go priest and I went Boy Scout.

SPEAKER_01 33:23

There it is. There it is. That's good. Could I do like Boy Scout leader?

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Yes, of course.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

Okay, I like that. I think we solved something. For me, this is oh my god, I just took a deep breath and I'm already like horrified at the thought of what that breath is gonna sound like. Okay, for me, the joke yard I was trying to polish off was I I had this idea for a bit where I'm like talking about how I don't know why we as a society, and more specifically men, pay so much attention to athletes in free agency and when athletes change locations on their job when there are other jobs where we should be like, for instance, that are more important, we should be paying attention to scientist free agency. Like, wouldn't it be funny if the person who spent a decade working on cancer in Milwaukee was like, I'm moving to Miami to work on herpes? Like, shouldn't there be news briefings about when scientists are in free agency when their contract is up and they're going to work on a different disease in a better city?

SPEAKER_00 34:25

Question Is that how science works?

SPEAKER_01 34:27

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 34:28

But again, it's like I'm taking the creative license to be like maybe it could be like this would be good PR for scientist for science. It could get more funding.

SPEAKER_01 34:36

Okay, more people would care about science.

SPEAKER_00 34:39

They're like breast cancer switching over to guess what breast cancer switching over to herpes.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Got it. So I have to say, so I have to make it the motivation behind it is hey, wouldn't it help science if we treated it like sports, as opposed to starting with like, why don't we?

SPEAKER_00 34:56

We could all wear fake lab coats that say like Dr. Schlesinger, and we're like, yeah, that's right, the herpes guy who used to do breast cancer, but he was treated by urology.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

I like that. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 35:07

Although I do think that doctors are supposed to like really specialize, unlike athletes.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

So as someone who doesn't care about sports at all, would you be interested in that joke? Like, do you think the premise is strong enough to actually spend time building it out?

SPEAKER_00 35:21

Yes, but I also think that herpes like throws people off because um too many people in the crowd are like, hold on, what was that about? So you think there's a funnier sore subject.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Oh I think that there's a funnier There we go. I'll just no, I'll use herpes and go, sorry, I know it's a sore subject.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

Yes, that will go really well. That's a good joke.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

I think So what's a funnier disease?

SPEAKER_00 35:42

If I say ease it in, I think that you start with like before you just go right into AIDS.

SPEAKER_01 35:48

Right. So he was working on cancer and he switched to mesothelioma or something, like a funny sounding disease.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Yeah, or mesoth just start with don't cancer's a bummer.

SPEAKER_01 35:59

Start with restless leg syndrome and go to herpes.

SPEAKER_00 36:03

Oh, you went AIDS to herpes.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

I went cancer to herpes, to be clear. Don't misquote my joke. Okay. I think I like that. Start with a soft disease, move on to another disease that's either softer or if I start soft, then I can go herpes. But you can go her. I can't go cancer to herpes or AIDS to herpes, but I can go restless leg syndrome to herpes.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

Yeah. Or you can go cancer to AIDS.

SPEAKER_01 36:29

But no, that's a double bummer. That's not funny.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Yeah, you have to pick the most funny things.

SPEAKER_01 36:36

Alright, so sound off in the comments. DM me. What are the funniest diseases?

SPEAKER_00 36:40

I just want to quickly say that some of the greatest doctors are the ones that examine um the breast for cancer because so many millions of people have applied for the job. I have one more graveyard joke.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

It's about weight loss. Um, why is it that men are like, guess what? I cut out Mountain Dew and I lost 47 pounds. What the hell? How much Mountain Dew are you drinking?

SPEAKER_01 37:14

This feels quite targeted.

SPEAKER_00 37:16

No, no, no, but there is something funny. We actually know a person who said his diet was that he stopped eating bagels and he lost 15 pounds. And we were like, Well, how many goddamn bagels were you eating? And every woman I talked to is like, I'm doing Pilates, I'm taking hormones, I'm on Ozempic, I'm a mama, da-da-da-da. And then guys are like, I could out Mountain Dew. But I feel like with Ozempic, this joke doesn't even work because everyone's on like some kind of Well No, I actually I think the joke is already funny.

SPEAKER_01 37:44

I think the premise is there, and the I cut out Mountain, I think it's funny. I think you just have never tried it enough to like get the rhythm of it. I don't think I don't think the premise is an issue.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

You're gonna tell me it needs to be like microscopic short.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Well, yeah, you definitely can't, you need to cut out the fat.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

Should I say the that should be I know I should have cut out the fat. Should I start by being like, whenever women are losing weight, it's a bunch of things. But when men lose weight, it's just cutting out Mountain Dew.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

Yeah, I mean, if you want to go the route of like if you want to make it men's weight loss versus women's weight loss, then you start, I'm so frustrated. It's it's so much harder for women. Every woman I talk to, I'm doing Pilates, I'm on a Zambek, I haven't eaten in 17 days. I talk to dudes just like turns out I stopped drinking Mountain Dew and I lost 47 pounds. Applause break, standing ovation, selling out theaters.

SPEAKER_00 38:34

What I like about it is that it has uh really holding the mirror up to the devil, really exposing some of the crafty ways this.

SPEAKER_01 38:44

We're taking down the Vatican, Boy Scouts, and Mountain Dew, and that is episode one of Against His Will.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

Anything else? We're trying to manifest for the next week?

SPEAKER_01 38:58

No, I think we're manifesting. I'm tapped out.

SPEAKER_00 39:01

You're doing this one more time.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

I'm doing what one more time?

SPEAKER_00 39:05

This podcast.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

I'll do it, but I'm done for today.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

I hear you. You were done before we got started. Correct. And you're done. Well, why don't you just change it into your sweatpants and just kind of take a load off on the couch? Thank you for your hard work and your service.