Applause Applause Applause

Married couple Ester Steinberg and Noah Gardenswartz  are at it again for Episode 2 of Against His Will. They discuss a big tech company, Las Vegas NBA news, Sean Paul lyrics, cheating on the barber, and Buca Di Beppo.

Follow on IG @againsthiswill

@ester.steinberg 

@NoahGComedy

Email at Againsthiswillpod@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hold for cement truck. Hold for cement truck. Applause, applause, applause.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Welcome to Against His Will with Noah Gardensworth, the reluctant, and Esther Steinberg, the person who did all the work.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Oh, I thought you were gonna go Esther Steinberg, the very willing. But yes, episode two. She got me back. We're doing it again.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Yay, how are you, Noah?

SPEAKER_00 0:28

I'm good. I'm feeling good. Learning something new every time about podcasting. Uh, episode one, I learned not to breathe into the mic. In watching episode one, I've learned for episode two to sit forward on the pillow so it doesn't look like I have the juiciest tits in the world for the entire episode.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

How do I sit back like this?

SPEAKER_00 0:45

You sit back, you want the tits. I'll sit forward, I don't want the tits. But yeah, I had more fun than I expected for episode one, and we'll see how episode two episode two goes.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

But you're feeling good.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Uh I'm feeling okay. I think I got a little cold from traveling. I went home uh for literally five hours. I I went back to Denver to check out the theater where I'll be shooting my special in April. So I flew in for the afternoon to meet the director. And I have to say, if you're gonna go home, five hours is the great time frame to do it. I got to have lunch with my sister, did what I needed to do, and then got out of there. But in that five hours, my dad gave me a ride to the airport, which was enough time for him to ask me how work is going. And I had to say, no different than when you asked me how work was going yesterday. It's like boomers are pre-programmed to be like, did you make money today? Did you make money today?

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Boomers are gonna boom. Well, there's the did you make money? And also as my mom likes to say, dates are not calorie-free, or like anything has calories, or like I did a video where I was eating a bagel, and my mom's comment was should be enjoyed with moderation, which was her way of saying that bagel has a lot of calories, you fat pig.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

But she said should be enjoyed in moderation with three hearts to let you know that it's coming from a place of love.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Coming from a place of love. Did you make money? Coming from a place of love. Where's your money? That has calories.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Yes, the the cowboy. What do we say?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Boomers are gonna boom.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Boomers are gonna boom. The constant pestering to make sure your work is going okay and that you're eating okay does come from a place of love. But boy oh boy, does it make me want to pull my hair out.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Um, the bagel, I went to the the child's classroom to read books, and I very quickly they I had 30 minutes to kill. So I went to Einstein's bagel. So I posted, wow, humiliated that I love Einstein bagels so much, and me eating a bagel. Innocent post. And I was acknowledging that Einstein bagels is is a gross take on bagels.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

First you went Einstein's bagel, then Einstein bagels, and I think it's actually Einstein's bagels. You've said it two or three times and haven't said it correctly once.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

I'm a boomer. The Einstein's bagels. So I'm either.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

No, that's what it is, Einstein's bagels. Oh, I got it right. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

As I'm trying to get it wrong, I get it right.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

I'm gonna Google it. Well, you keep telling your story, I'm gonna go.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Okay, the story is this I have never gotten so much polarizing information from people. Everyone had a comment. It was my most viewed, most commented social media post of all time. A story that said, humiliated to admit how much I like Einstein's bagel.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

It's actually Einstein brothers bagels.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Whatever. People know it as Einstein's bagels.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

But anyway, they're already way too much time spent on Einstein's.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

But the point is holy moly, people are like, that place is great. Those sandwiches are amazing. Yes, yes, Einstein. Or you should be ashamed of yourself. This is despicable. We're pulling your Jew card. How dare you? You are filth. And I'm like, whoa, whoa. I had no idea the kind of content that I was creating was so controversial in 2026. I'm sorry, I'm garbage. It was the one that was closest. It's about convenience. And also, it was good.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

It is good. I like Einstein Brothers bagels. Um, I have been staying away from bagels in the cruelest twist of irony. I have no problem talking about it. I started taking testosterone injections. I had my 42-year-old check up. The doctor said I'm in the normal range, but I'm on the low end of normal for testosterone. It's only a matter of time before I have low T. So he's Oh, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

I just don't want to hear about men's hormonal issues.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Oh no. You know how many videos you sent me about the luteal phase? Whatever the hell that is. You can sit and listen to this for a second. Uh so anyway, I started taking these testosterone injections, which the doctor told me was also going to help with weight loss. And I've literally been working out harder than ever, eating better than ever, no bagels.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Are you sure he was just mispronouncing Ozempic?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

No, no, no. It's just testosterone injections. I'm not I'm not doing the GLP ones. But the worst part is, even though it ultimately helps with weight loss, for the first four to eight weeks, it creates weight gain with like water retention. So I'm actually eating right and working out and have never been or felt fatter, which is a giant kick in the nuts.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

Well, you have done something that I find amazing. Well, you're cutting out certain food, and I'm very proud of you. And the kids call you names and you and I defend you.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Yes. When my kids go, Why is your belly so big? She's like, hey, he's going through a hormonal change, as if a three-year-old and a five-year-old, and then and then it just leads to what's a hormone, and then it's just an entire set of questions about daddy's big fat belly at 6 a.m. that I want no part of in any direction.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

And also, what's a hormone is an impossible question to answer, but I think I did a good job. I said it's the part of your body that communicates with the other parts of your body.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Oh, I checked out of that conversation mentally. While while you were talking to the children about the hormones that are leading to daddy's big fat belly at 6 a.m., I had the thousand-yard stare of a man that was over.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

And then I made them say, Daddy, we're proud of you for being healthy. But you'll do, so you are also doing something brand new, which is the sauna, which you've entered a world of bro that I've never seen before.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

I'm a sauna bro now. I get my 15 to 20 minutes of sauna in every day.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I feel like it might be not real. Like, is sauna helping? Is it not helping? Or did like some wood company convince everybody that saunas are great and it's a lie?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Big wood is behind the sauna crazy.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

Wait, you This is my conspiracy theory.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

You're so tapped into health trends and healthy living. You truly don't feel better after a sauna?

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Well, no, I feel very hot and uncomfortable after a sauna, and I have to suffer through the smell of feet, other people's feet. I also have a sauna blanket, and so I kind of prefer the sauna blanket, but I'm there for pictures.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

No, we didn't even. She asked me, you asked me to take a picture of you in the sauna. It's me, 14 other sweaty men, and my hot wife in a bikini, and she's like, Will you take a picture? I'm like, Are you out of your fucking mind? No, I'm not doing a photo shoot of you in the sauna right now.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

So I can be like, bros, this is the way of life, bros, right? 90-year-old Asian man? He was good. He was good. He was he was going through some stuff. They're all breathing through.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

90 year old Asian man doing anything I want in.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

He's got answers, he's got keys to longevity.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

That is true.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

If you see a 90-year-old Asian man in a sauna, whatever else he's doing after the sauna, I want to know and I want to replicate it.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

Well, I will say a lot of girls are like, I don't know where to meet a guy, and they're at the nail salon. Where are all the men? And they go to Pilates. Go to the sauna. You want to meet a guy, you want to meet a guy that cares about his health or doesn't, then go to don't touch my husband, go to a sauna. They are all there. They're so schwitzy, they are not open to taking pictures of you.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

But I will say, even creepy of creep guys probably know better than to hit on a woman in the sauna. I think your original take of, you used to say, if you want to meet guys, go to Chipotle. If you want to know where the guys are, they're eating burritos.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

They're also in line for the food truck for a fried chicken sandwich.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

I think that's legitimately good advice. If you really want to meet a guy, go where guys eat.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

Yeah, but if you're a guy, don't go to yoga to meet a girl. Stand right outside of yoga and pretend you're meditating. Be like, I'm here for the next class. That would be great. Like, I don't want you behind me for an hour if I was single. But if you're like, I'm really in the zone meditating with my mandala beads, I'd be like, oh, that's so cool. What's your name?

SPEAKER_00 8:59

So if you take anything from this podcast, fellas, if you want to meet a lady, stalk her outside of a yoga class. Ladies, if you want to meet a guy, hang around a Chipotle or a sauna.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Both, both really good ways to meet people that aren't the internet where everyone meets each other.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Now, I do have to confess something that's weighing on my heart. Uh, I don't know if people could tell. I got a haircut before the pod. I have been unfaithful.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

You look amazing.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Thank you. I have been unfaithful to my barber, and I don't feel good about it. I am cheating on my barber. I found a new barber without letting the old barber know.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

Why didn't you just tell the old barber of the face that you wanted him to fix? Why couldn't you just explain to your body?

SPEAKER_00 9:42

Like every every time I'm going through it in my mind, all the lines or excuses are literally out of someone who's cheating on their significant other. I'm like, I don't want to post on social media in case he sees it. I feel bad telling him that I found someone else that I'm happier with. I feel bad by the fact that he's a great guy and did nothing wrong. I just needed a change.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

It's you, not him.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

It is me. It is me.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Well, I mean, I did a pretty good job barbering you during the 2020 uh COVID pandemic. No, I also did a mustache and started asking him about the game.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

You were a funny barber character. When I when I needed a lineup during COVID when everything was closed, she would draw a goatee and do like a New York Puerto Rican accent and start talking to me about UFC and sports, and it was funny, but you were so bad at lining me up. I literally had to draw the shape of a head with like a neck and then diagram on there what my hairline should look like on the neck.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Which was a like the bottom of a hexagon. You want like the bottom of the bigger.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

It was like diagonal on each side with a flat with a straight line across, which you were really struggling with.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

And everyone's like, no one needs geometry when you grow up. Yeah, if you're married to a bro, you're gonna need geometry. I needed a ruler and a protractor to do your barber work.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

But let me ask you this like if you were not necessarily if you were not necessarily unhappy with the haircuts you were getting from your stylist, but you just wanted to see what else was out there. Would you break up?

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Oh, an eye when I guess I'm panicking. I cannot help but be a white woman. I cannot help it. And as a woman who ages, I am having a birthday. I made an appointment to get Botox, and I just wanted to see what she would say. No? She said that men don't know.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Sure. I'm I am certainly not an authority or an expert on Botox, but I am so opposed to you doing Botox based on the fact that A, I truly don't think you need it. At least in this blind man's opinion, I think you look great. And B, it's something that once you start, you're going to have to keep on doing it. Like it's a meta- you have to keep on going, right? You can't just do Botox.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

No, you can quit. You can quit all you want. But it's preventative. It's just like you freeze all the muscles in your face so you can not do this or this, and then your skin looks young.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Women overdo it with Botox and ultimately end up looking worse as Botox freaks than they ever did before with natural wrinkles or lines.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

Yes. And like if you wear fake eyelashes a lot and then you take the fake eyelashes off, then you look in the mirror and you feel bald and ugly. That's why you don't get fake eyelashes.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

So that you're yeah, I don't like fake eyelashes. I don't want you doing Botox. I love you just the way you are. Is that so wrong?

SPEAKER_01 12:35

What about like clown lips?

SPEAKER_00 12:37

No, I don't want you to do your lip injections either for the same reason of Botox. It's maintenance. Once you do it, you have to keep on doing it, and then you're either going to go too far or it's going to become the norm. And when you stop doing it, it's gonna look really weird.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

I guess I just need to go and be like Kate Winslet and be like, I am I am aging gracefully because it is just part of being a role model and showing that uh a skin wrinkles, even though she's she's famous for having wrinkles, and that's how do you feel about that Kate Winslet impression?

SPEAKER_00 13:09

Are you proud of that British accent?

SPEAKER_01 13:11

No, I'm not. It was more peppa pig than anything, but you know, I I you know you gotta get it in.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

What's your best accent?

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Um, I do an Australian accent that everyone says is actually New Zealand.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Okay. So your best accent is New Zealand, is Kiwi while attempting to be Australian.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

My Jamaican sounds Irish. We don't know what's happening.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Most people's Jamaican ends up veering Irish. Speaking of Jamaican, I thought it was very funny. Cleaning up the kitchen before the pod, you just had a playlist and it was and Sean Paul's Shake That Thing came on. And it was through. Is it get busy? No, it's called Shake That Thing. That's the song. But at one point in the lyrics, you go, Did he just say kids' buffet?

SPEAKER_01 13:52

I'm positive it was kids' buffet.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

He definitely didn't say kids' buffet. And she goes, Then what'd he say? I'm like, I don't know what the lyrics are, but it's not kids' buffet. And she goes, Then what are the lyrics? I'm like, nobody knows the lyrics. Even Sean Paul doesn't know the lyric to a Sean Paul song. It's okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Okay, my Comics Unleash is coming out. My Comics Unleash episode.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Applause, applause, applause.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Which was so fun. Byron Allen, a comp comed a comedian turned rich person.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

Comedian turned. He's he's above rich person. He is mogul. He is a billionaire, owns multiple businesses, owns the weather channel, mogul.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

But he brought back Comics Unleashed.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Truly incredible man. My favorite part of working with him is he had some great stories and he would say applause, applause, applause for the audience to applause, which was great. I'm like, I need to create this world for myself. I love this.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Now, as an inside joke around the house, when we say things and the other person doesn't respond, we just go applause, applause, applause. Applause, applause, applause.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Instead of crickets, it's applause, applause, applause. And anyway, so that's gonna be on um March 17th. And then I'm also going to Austin, Texas, which I haven't been in a while. And I feel like when I went, there was not a lot of comedy. And now I'm coming back, and it is a comedy town. Oh boy, oh boy. And I'll be at a place called the Sunset Strip, which is so misleading because it sounds like it's in LA.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

And what are you doing there? Who are you shooting for?

SPEAKER_01 15:25

I'm doing it for a tech company called OnlyFans, and I will be performing comedy. I mean, good for OnlyFans for paying comedians to do a comedy special. What a concept.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

I am thrilled that you're doing the special. And because you're doing the special for OnlyFans, they make you create an OnlyFans page, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yes. They they want you as part of the special. They want you to have a page for at onlyfans.com, which you can now follow me, Esther for you.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Y-O-U. Yeah. Not for you. E S-T-E-R, the number for Y-O-U.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

And I love it. I love that the page. You're, you know, OnlyFans obviously has an automatic connection with pornographic or borderline pornographic content. But you as a comedian are allowed to do anything as safe as you want on your page. Uh, you're certainly not shooting videos, but I love like the other day you did a video where you were telling jokes in a bikini by the pool. It was a bikini that you could wear to any pool in America full of children. Jokes by the pool.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Your criticism, though, you were like, let this be a better joke. And I was like, no, it's a yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

My problem was not that you're doing something in a bathing suit on OnlyFans, is that I thought it was a subpart joke.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

If I'm like, how does your husband feel about you telling jokes in a bikini? I'm like, well, he thinks I could be better at the punch up and get it a little cleaner.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

My problem is always going to be comedy-based. I have no problem with you taking agency of your beautiful looks. As I've said, once you ask me, is it okay if I have this OnlyFans page and I'm just doing like jokes by the pool and bikini? I said, use that money to build a pool at our house and let's fill it with the tears of the cucks that are paying you for your OnlyFans content. I'm all for it. But if you're gonna do jokes by the pool, make them good jokes.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

As if people, and then I posted, I like released the idea of I am gonna be on OnlyFans. I will be doing stuff, um, trying on stuff on the fitting room, which I love doing, and then um jokes by the pool. And I said jamming with the guitar. Someone posted or asked, they're like, wait, you play guitar? And to that person, shout out, I love that someone saw past all of the jipper jabber of OnlyFans to get to the real juicy moment of yes, I'm going to force myself to play the guitar and jam. And I don't have a problem jamming, and I like jamming. You don't seem to like my jamming. Well, I don't know how you feel about my jamming.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

Your guitar playing? I'm impressed by your guitar playing because you're not like a real guitar player, but you're good at the for someone who very rarely plays guitar, you actually are very musically inclined. You know how to read music, so I'm always impressed when you'll pull up a songbook and all of a sudden you can play this song. Now, this is the pot call in the kettle black because I have arguably the worst voice of all time. I am not claiming to be a voice.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

We love that you have a bad voice because if you had a good voice, I wouldn't be here.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Correct. If if I had a good voice, I would have HIV right now from sleeping with everyone in the world. God did not give me a good voice to save me from myself. Moving on. I don't have a good voice. You have a better voice than me, but you also don't have a good voice. And when you play the guitar, you sing, and when you're being silly and when you're knowingly singing with a bad voice, it's funny. When you try to sing with a good voice and you do it very earnestly and get hooked on a song that you're practicing, and I have to listen from afar for an hour while you sing a song that you can't really sing, it's not my favorite thing to happen.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

And I'll wake up in the morning and I'll say that sad and I took a deep breath. No, I think I'm good at singing, I am not good at singing, I know that I'm gonna, but I wanna put it out that I will be like Adam Sandler and be like scooby-doo.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah, your last special started with a funny song, and that's great. That's what I'm saying. If you're if you're embracing, you can carry a tune. Like I am just straight up bad at singing.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

But you had a rap album.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Well, I can rap, I can't sing. Those are two very different skills.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Maybe I'll play guitar and you rap.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

Never.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Oh, that sounds so fun. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

I retired to be a podcaster.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Yay, but I wanna, I wanna, I want to experiment creatively. I know that OnlyFans people are just like, where's the nudes? I will be experimenting creatively. Where's the nudes? And doing really beautiful stuff. Where are the nudes? Edgy material stuff that might be controversial on YouTube, but where are the nudes? I'm gonna be doing amazing things and really bearing my soul. Where are the nudes? And I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Where are the nudes?

SPEAKER_01 20:14

So please follow me there.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Esther for you. Build us a pool.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Um, there is news in Vegas, right before the news story. One personal thing is I haven't smoked weed in like two months, which is huge. Then he brought home a jar of homegrown weed from a friend's.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Well, there was there was a father on our son's flag football team, one of the other dads that I bonded with over the weeks of practice, who on the last game was like, Hey, do you have a secure pocket? I was like, Why? And he's like, and he just like handed me a jar of weed that he grew in his house. And I was like, You're a cool dude. I like you.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

So I'm trying to stop weed. He's hasn't smoked in a while, but I am like really, really on track to not buying and not smoking weed. This jar comes into our house and I broke my weed sobriety, smoked a bowl, and I was like, I just had to try it out because he grew it. And so I made all these excuses. This guy grew it, and I uh, anyways, I did smoke it, and then I smoked it the night after, and then I kind of wanted it the next day, and I was like, you need to get rid of it. This is like a bag of potato chips.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

I took the jar and I put it in your mother's house. And when she comes back to Vegas, she will smoke it because your mom is awesome, but also so annoying when she's high.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

So But I said to my therapist, Oh my gosh, look at me. I have no self-control. And she, as a great therapist, was like, actually, you do have self-control. You stopped smoking weed. And now it came into your life, and you said to the husband, get it away, you're the husband, get it away.

SPEAKER_00 21:45

I am the husband.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

And I was like, That is self control. But it I maybe weed is like a bag of gross potato chips or something where someone's like, if it's in the house, it's gonna get smoked. I needed, I when that jar was like looking at me, just like bang. Begging, begging to be smoked. And now it's out of sight, out of mind. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

For the same reason I can't have ice cream in the freezer.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

There's no ice cream in the freezer. It's gone.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

It's gone get eaten.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Alright, so what's the news story?

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Oh, this is a big news story. Magic Johnson heard of him?

SPEAKER_00 22:17

I ha yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Governor Lombardo discussed the potential for an NBA team in Vegas as an expansion meeting.

SPEAKER_00 22:29

Did you pull this news story just for me?

SPEAKER_01 22:32

No, this was the news story. So I get I follow all these things on Instagram and I screenshot whatever.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

Who's Governor Lombardo? Is that Nevada's governor? I think. Okay, I didn't know that, but that's like the worst kept secret in all the sports. Everyone knows the NBA is expanding with two teams. Seattle's getting one, and Las Vegas is getting one.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

That's Are you sure?

SPEAKER_00 22:51

I would bet my life on it.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

That is such a Vegas thing.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Isn't that Vegas news? Because we may or may not, but probably will be getting an NBA team.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

Definitely not this week in Vegas. That's been going on for like a year. It's going to be happening for the next year. But I will tell you with full confidence, whenever in the future the NBA announces that they're expanding with two new teams, those teams will be going to Seattle and Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Which likely means that Memphis and New Orleans will be moving over to the Eastern Conference, which will realign the conferences a little bit. And now I've already lost you.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Okay, but can we try to predict the name and the colors of the NBA team?

SPEAKER_00 23:31

That's good. The NBA, so the Aces is the WNBA team. Fantastic name. I think they already took it.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

Women.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

The hockey team is the Golden Knights. The lacrosse team, I believe, is the Desert Dogs.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

I feel like the double downs, the house.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

And then the Raiders came as the Raiders. It's definitely not going to be the Las Vegas double downs. It probably is going to be something gambling related. I hope they don't go like native animals. I don't want to go like the Las Vegas scorpions.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Coyote. Yeah. Broaches.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Maybe they could do the Las Vegas palms.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

What about the Las Vegas grifters?

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Yeah. The Las Vegas degenerates. The Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Las Vegas underground CD creepos.

SPEAKER_00 24:15

The Las Vegas lost my house last night on a bad beat.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

Las Vegas hangovers?

SPEAKER_00 24:21

That'd be good. And then the mascot is just some bro puking. Yes. Some guy with a headache walking around and like the asterisk and pound sign just coming out of his head. That'd be good.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Sunburnt tourist.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

The Las Vegas sunburns is good, but it's too much like the Phoenix Suns. I do think the colors will probably be like white, black, and gold.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

I feel like I'm waiting. What about the flamingo?

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Las Vegas Flamingos doesn't make any sense. No, not at all. There's just a hotel called a flamingo.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Flamingos are like there's also a street called a flamingo. I mean, Vegas will take their casino. They're like, yeah, we we gamble here and there, but like it's a street name.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

You set up an email for this, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

So you know what? We're probably gonna be the Las Vegas Deserts.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

I hate that.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Yeah, it's bad, but that's probably what we're gonna be. Anyway, what's the email?

SPEAKER_01 25:11

Um, the email is againsthiswillpod at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

If you're watching or listening, email againsthiswillpod at gmail.com with your best guesses of what the Las Vegas NBA team yet to come in the future will be. What their name will be.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

I like pink as a color, and I feel like a lot of NBA and NFL no one has pink. Oh, the bangles, I will say, shout out to the bangles. They do have animal print, which is so exciting. And I kind of wish I was I'm not a Bangle fan, but I would want to be in like a full bangle outfit.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Nothing's stopping you. So check Esther for you. She will be in full bangles, skin tight onesie telling shitty jokes by the pool.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

No, good jokes, and singing horribly.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

There we go.

SPEAKER_01 26:01

We're the nudes.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

Good jokes, bad guitar. We're the nudes. We're the nudes.

SPEAKER_01 26:08

Yeah. Um, whimsical creative girl.

SPEAKER_00 26:10

Okay, do you have a better Las Vegas news story? Because I feel like that wasn't this week in Vegas. I finally gave you the segment you wanted and you dropped the ball.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

I go to this dinner and I meet lots of people, and I don't know what it is about me, but everyone just unloads their deepest, darkest secrets, and randomly some guy is telling me that I said, I'm a comedian. Sorry, I don't have a normal job. He's like, Oh right, I saw you the other day. Then he told me that he used to hang out with Drew Carey because his friend or something was dating him. Great.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

Was his friend a porn star? Because I think Drew Carey like famously dates porn stars now.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

I don't really know.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

But he said that Drew Carey was seriously into EDM and a um the electric daisy festival. And he's like, Yeah, so Drew Carey was like, you're coming with me. And we went to the electric daisy festival. I I of all the things I would assume about Drew Carey, I just like the idea of like him and a Jeep Wrangler with like fuzzy ears and like a porn star with like glittery titties and being like, good for Drew.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

If you do a network sitcom for that many years, parlay that in a price is right to become a multi-multimillionaire, go live your life, put on the fuzzy ears, listen to EDM and bang a porn star in Vegas. Drew Carey's doing it right. I mean, maybe, but like man made it out of Cleveland to start partying at EDM festivals in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Good for I now have that on my bucket list. There's a there is like a Vegas bucket list where I'm like, yes, I wanna like, I I wanna like one night get drunk with carrot top. I want to obviously now go to an EDM concert with Drew Carey.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

We do know where Carrot Top frequents for lunch. I'm not gonna give out the location, but it's like another poorly kept secret amongst Summerlin where Carrot Top goes to one location several times a week for lunch. So if if you really, really want to get drunk with Carrot Top one day, I feel like you can make that happen before you could go to EDM festivals with Drew Carrey. Shout out Mark Cohen, the legend.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

The legend who you can find at the Rio every single day.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

Seven nights a week, 365 nights a year.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

Um, what other what other I have?

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Um We've been at it for a while. We can go to Jokeyard.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

Yeah. Oh, just Zero Bond opened, and that's huge. The opening night was March 10th. It is a members-only club, and it's the first really members-only club in Las Vegas. It's at the win, it's very chic, very sexy. I will be producing and running a comedy show there. The first one's April 15th in the Little Disco. Now here it is.

SPEAKER_00 28:48

And you very smartly finagled your way into a membership for your hosting services. They were not trying to let you in, but you were like, I want a membership. And now I get to go as your guest.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Yes, my plus one over here. And you're gonna be performing, and Michael Yo is also gonna be performing on the very first show, and possibly every single show will be the three people lineup of Esther Steinberg, Noah Garden Swords, and Michael Yo, who is our Vegas buddy. There's not so so many, and he's one of them. Um, uh in terms of comedians who live here.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

Let me keep you in line. What's the point?

SPEAKER_01 29:20

What are you trying to say about so the big grand opening happened, and a lot of like big O my OMG celebs came to Las Vegas to celebrate the opening of Zero Bond, Jeff Ross.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

Hilarious. That's what you're saying. LeBron James, John Hamm, John Stamos, Gwyneth Paltro, Gwenneth, Tom Brady. These were all people we saw in photos. And what's funny is we were at the grand opening before that. So it's like last Wednesday they did a friends and family of like, hey, come see it before it opens to the public. And so we felt so hot and so cool for getting to go to this members-only secret grand opening only to find out the next weekend is when they had the real secret grand opening where the where the actual celebrities and A-listers came. And we were on a comedians who finagled their way in were not allowed. But anyway, very excited to be your guest every once in a while at Zero Bomb.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

And now the question is are people gonna mimic this? Are there gonna be more and more members only clubs? I already know Circus Circus is planning on doing kind of a members only.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

No, that's a sting. That's called to catch a predator. Anyone who joins a members only club is circus circus is on some kind of list.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

I would love the strat to do members only, and they're like, sorry, you're gonna have to show us your like um hole where you have to cover in order to hello, I'm here for the strat members only.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

All right, we're cutting this. Go to now it's time for jokeyard. Okay. You said you had so many last week, so okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

So this is an old joke of mine that I would love. I don't, I've never done it on anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

It's it's basically I used to hang out at the comedy store a lot, and what I noticed is there would be like girls like porn stars with big titties and like little chihuahuas, and they were classic combo. They were seriously waiting for male comics, and they'd be like, Oh, I can't wait, Chris Dia, I can't wait to see. And they would be waiting for male comedians all glittered up, boiled up, ready to go, and there's a name for these women, and they're called Chucklefuckers. Chucklefuckers. And I was like, okay, if we're gonna do chuckle fuckers, where are the men? What I'm trying to see is a bunch of like big, bulgy, muscle men, maybe like Guido with gelled up hair, and they're like, they've got like a bulldog, and they're like, yo, I'm here for Janine Gorofalo.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Okay, so what is the joke? Just that I'm just gonna be like, so there should be a male equivalent to Chucklefuckers?

SPEAKER_01 31:54

Basically, I want to have the funniest dog. I need the funniest dog I've got to be able to do.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

I think Janine Garofalo was the perfect example. Janine Garofalo because she's She's truly funny. Yeah, she's she's a great comic.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

The legend.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

She's middle-aged, she's on that borderline of I feel like early in her film career she played unattractive characters, but is actually a very pretty woman in real life.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Yes. The Hollywood, she's so ugly, takes her glasses off. Oh, supermodel.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

Yeah, and then also Janine Goroffalo is just a funny sounding name. So that's you found the perfect name.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

Will the new generation know her?

SPEAKER_00 32:28

No, but that's also what makes it funnier.

SPEAKER_01 32:30

What about a Doberman? What's the big dog with like a chain?

SPEAKER_00 32:34

Kane Corso, pit bull, maybe a pit bull with um Rottweiler.

unknown 32:39

What's that?

SPEAKER_00 32:40

Maybe big dude with a Rottweiler waiting for Janine Garoffalo. But honestly, I think this joke hinges on giving them a funny name. They can't be chuckle fuckers, even though they still could.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

You have to be like Moose Knuckle fuckers. Like, what's a slutty man?

SPEAKER_00 32:54

The point is You want male groupies for female community.

SPEAKER_01 32:58

And it kind of go hand in hand with like I've always aspired to be really successful and rich and date uh and I mean this is an old joke, it's an old idea of me being successful and rich with a hot guy that's so hot that people point fingers and go, She must be loaded.

SPEAKER_00 33:16

Well, that one thing I love when we do is you never make me dress up when we go out in public. I don't want you to be able to do that. You love to look gorgeous, and I love to wear sweatpants and sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 33:26

Kayleigh Bieber, Justin Bieber.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

And sometimes when I am wearing sweatpants and you're all dolled up, and I'll be like, Can I go like this? You go, Yeah, you look rich.

SPEAKER_01 33:38

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

The worse dressed you are as a man with a hot, well-dressed woman, the richer you look. So I love the fact that you let me look like a schlub, and to you, it just means that to the general public, I look very wealthy.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

Yes. Well, there is poor, there is rich, and then there is extremely rich, which is always hoodie, Hondas, they're low-key. The middle is the most gross, poor is almost cool. I mean, that's pretty badass, and and you know, they're they're working on the hustle. The rich is disgusting, covered in designer, everything, everything, everything.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Ostentatious rich, like flaunty wealth.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

Flaunty wealth.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

So you think by wearing sweatpants while you're dressed up, I've crossed over into looking super rich.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good Halloween costume, too. The super rich couple. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

Yeah, okay. This is one that I never did. So I when I was going back through like old notes and j and notebooks, I found a bunch of jokes I wrote years ago that would have been like funny tweets that I never did on stage either because they didn't make it into the act I was doing at the time, or for instance, this joke that I found. I don't think I've ever done this on stage. I do think it's a funny joke, but it no longer would make sense in my act. So I'm gonna I'm gonna say it, then you can tell me if it's worth resurrecting or repurposing in some way. Said, I do anal sex the way a club DJ plays don't stop believing by journey, begrudgingly and only when requested by a drunk white woman.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

That would there are a few jokes that are funny for the audience and not funny for your wife.

SPEAKER_00 35:18

Well, yeah, I mean, that's obviously a joke that I wrote when I was single.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

That was I'd say sell it to a dirtbag comic.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

Sell it to a dirt. Okay, so so your joke yard is is uh just who who find someone whose act would be great for a kind of funny anal sex tweet.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

Find an LA comic who's doing crowd work because he thinks he's a genius, but the truth is he doesn't know how to write a joke. Sell him that joke.

SPEAKER_00 35:46

And then that guy will go off stage and meet his porn star holding a chihuahua and melt right off into the sunset.

SPEAKER_01 35:52

Hey you, Crystalina? Um, but yeah, no, I I yeah, uh I I think that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_00 36:02

Just because you I I loved watching you actively hate an old joke of mine in real time.

SPEAKER_01 36:07

Um I we have I wanted to bring this up from the jokeyard.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

We have fantastic.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

One there is we have one bit that we've done together. It Grupo de Schlepo? Yes. So it's never it never came to fruition, really. It had a slight moment. We did it in Aspen and then it died.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

I don't even know if Buka de Bepo is a national chain, but for it definitely is. Okay, so Buka de Bepo, the Italian restaurant.

SPEAKER_01 36:37

No one has jokes about this place. So let's be the comics.

SPEAKER_00 36:42

Well, let's let's hang our hat on Buka de Beppo. We had This is our hot pop. Here's the thing, though. As comedians, when you date or marry another comedian, obviously you fuck around, you joke around constantly. Esther and I have so many bits that we do as a couple in the house that were never intended to be stage jokes. And in my mind, Buka de Schlepo was one of those where it's funny to us and was never supposed to be formulated into like a joke for the masses. The joke being Buca de Bepo is family-style Italian food. And we went to a gross birthday dinner at Buka de Bepo, and we started, we we ran this like fun bit. We were talking about how Buka de Bepo should start getting parties to come by advertising as by advertising as Buka de Schlepo, where they'll send like an airport sprinter van to come pick you and your group up from the business conference that you're all in town for.

SPEAKER_02 37:38

From any courtyard Marriott.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

Yeah, we start doing it. We will pick you up. Do you want sheet cake for 40? All right, then meet us at Courtyard Marriott. We'll send the van Buka de Schlepo.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Buka de Schlepo will take you directly to Buka de Pepo for groups. When you're here, you're a group. Puka de Schlepo.

SPEAKER_00 37:57

And that's that's the bit. I mean, maybe if you're watching, well, sure.

SPEAKER_02 38:01

You said we could do a group poop.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Yes. They all hold hands in the stall. Yes, we got very ridiculous with it. They cut out, they cut out holes in the store walls. Group poop after you group sheet cake and booka de schlepo. Come the group of the schleppo. Again, maybe people watching or listening are catching a nice chuckle. Maybe they think this is awful. But either way, even the people catching a chuckle, I think, believe this joke never deserves the light of day.

SPEAKER_01 38:26

No, no, no. This is a boomer. A boomer watching it is going like, you should tell Lauren Michaels and get the sh that shtick on the chanel.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

Perfect. How's your career going? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Eat Buka de Bepo in moderation. Where are the books? Heart, heart, heart. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

No, wait. We have to where are you? Where can people see you?

SPEAKER_00 38:50

Same place as last time. April 13th.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

Where are they? I want you to stay on camera.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

April 13th. I'm at DC Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C. April 14th. I'm headlining Wise Guys in Town Square, Las Vegas, April 23rd, shooting my special in Denver, Colorado at the Elaine Wolf Theater.

SPEAKER_01 39:11

I will be shooting a special for the tech company OnlyFans on March 17th.

SPEAKER_00 39:16

I love that you are really trying to make Fetch happen. You're really trying to make OnlyFans a tech company.

SPEAKER_01 39:21

The new comedy place to be comedy. I'm also gonna be on tour. March 17th in Austin, Texas. April 15th at The Wynn, if you're a member only for Zero Bond. April 16th, Gainesville, Florida. St. Augustine, April 17th, April 18th, West Palm Beach, Florida, and some Miami people. You can come to that. And April 19th in St. Pete, Florida. Very exciting.

SPEAKER_00 39:49

The Palm Queen over here. All right.

SPEAKER_01 39:51

Yes, I will be back in Florida.

SPEAKER_00 39:55

Follow us at Against His Will on Instagram. Subscribe at Against His Will on YouTube. Follow her and pay for our future pool at Esther4U on OnlyFans. And uh keep on checking in. Thank you.