Pillow Problems and the Buzzer

Episode 3 starts with a simple question: should you podcast during March Madness?

From there, it spirals.

What begins as a casual episode turns into a surprisingly intense debate about birthday cards, relationship expectations, and whether watching someone fall is funny or not. Somewhere along the way, a buzzer gets introduced, boundaries are tested, and a new couple communication system is born—one that may or may not save marriages everywhere.

We also get into bad travel days, worse pillows, unexpected run-ins, and the kind of small arguments that are somehow both ridiculous and deeply relatable.

Plus, the joke workshop segment, Joke-Yard, we attempt to fix jokes that refuse to work… and uncover a theory about modern life that might actually be the most accurate thing we’ve ever said.

It’s a little grumpy, a little chaotic, and way too honest.

Enjoy.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to episode three. We did it. And Noah's upset because he's not watching college boys playing football.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Basketball. Uh, yes. Against his will, episode three. I admittedly enjoyed the first two episodes more than I thought I would. Today I am quite literally podcasting against my will. It is March Madness. The games are beginning very soon. While this pod is happening, the games will begin. This morning I told Esther I'm down to do the pod, but like let's do it as soon as I do school drop off, like 8 a.m. I didn't tell her why. I was just like, let's get it out of the way early. And she was so excited. And then when she found out why I wanted to podcast early, she was quite irritated.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

I was certain it was like he's trying to write, he's trying to get things in, he's writing me a birthday card, he's doing he's doing all this homework for the child. He's got wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Was that a subtle shot at the fact that I did not write you a birthday card? Because, first of all, in lieu of a birthday card, the reason I did not write you a birthday card is because you were out of town for three days, and my birthday gift to you, aside from providing the sound bath and the dinner for 11 women, was solo parenting for three days, which is the nicest birthday. Anytime you want to skip writing me a card and just give me three days off of parenthood, I'll take that deal.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

That's fine. I don't need a card.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Yeah, it seems like it. Listen, I'll admit, mea culpa. I should have written a card. I 100% should have written a card. But I even said when you got back, I was like, I'm so sorry I haven't written you a card yet. I really haven't had time. And you're like, it's fine. I don't need a card.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

I don't know I should have written a card. When you marry for love, and for you marry a writer, you marry an artist, you can say to yourself, What I will get is good cards.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Here's the thing: I I come from a family where birthday cards are such a big thing. Every member of my family writes two or three cards. There has to be at least a funny, a sentimental. Sentimental, and there has to be a funny, and then sometimes you'll get a third, which is either another sentimental or another funny.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Single-handedly keeping the card business alive.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Truly, Hallmark should be called Garden Swords. I'm pretty sure we are funding the industry. I've always hated that about my family. The cards are nice. I love it, but I don't like feeling beholden to buying and writing X amount of cards for everyone's birthday. So perhaps this was a subconscious adverse reaction.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

You're trying to be like my family who checks happy birthday and then like Venmos.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

But let me just start by saying I apologize. I should have written you a birthday card.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

I love you.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

You're the best wife, you're the best mother. Couldn't do it without you. You make my whole world.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Eye contact?

SPEAKER_00 2:54

No, no, no. Now that's a bridge too far. That's a bridge too far.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Your birthday felt like an Italian wedding because one by one, family members like came down and they just like they like threw a card in front of you. Threw a card, threw a card. And I was like, oh my God. And then there was like a pile of cards this high.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

But those envelopes are not filled with money, just with people pouring their cards. Sentimental, emotional. One cardboard page.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Make me proud, the devoted husband and wonderful brother.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Let me tell you what I did do for you. Instead of buying a birthday card, I turned off the AC in the house so that we could do this podcast. It's gonna be 95 today in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Noah does zero setup work, which we've agreed is part of our shtick.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

I will not apologize for it because that was one of my stipulations. I think you are entitled to not.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

If you make it clear, all good. All good. He also not only doesn't want to deal with anything, that's fine. He wants the house to feel like the Titanic, where I'm literally getting hypothermia as I am plugging in lights.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

I told you I was going to be blasting the AC up until the minute we start recording because I will turn off the AC once we start. And I gotta tell you, I'm already feeling the dew, the beads of sweat on my forehead.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

I am a shivering chihuahua. Just are you ready, sir? Anyways, we famously are not the couple that hates each other.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

No, I love you to death. I love you doing it.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

But we did get you a buzzer.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

We did, yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

This is because Noah doesn't, there are certain things he doesn't want to talk about, and the only way I could get him to sit here and podcast is if I go around his boundaries, and I think it's a good boundaries are good.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Yeah, so this is a boundary. One of my things was this isn't gonna be a parenting podcast. We're not gonna talk about our kids.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

So Moses lost a second tooth.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Well, first of all, that's not even correct. He lost a fourth tooth. His brother knocked it out while you were gone. It's the second tooth. His brother punched out of his mouth, but it's not the second tooth.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

I meant Moses lost a second tooth via little brother's face.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

He has four teeth gone. All four come with a weird story. Two of them he swallowed in the middle of the morning. One in his sleep, one while eating dinner, and two have been punched out by his younger brother, but I'm already hitting the button. No kid talk. Um you said as we were starting to record off camera, you said you feel like we're both a little bit grumpy this morning, which is fine. We're allowed to be grumpy. Oh my god, this.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

So that hormonally, I'm on a roller coaster, and that's science.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

Sure. I'm not here to argue whether or not a luteal phase exists. Obviously, it does because it is very much in the zeitgeist as your Instagram DMs to me.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

We're done.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

Thank you. Okay, so last week you were gone because you went to Texas to do your taping, which went great, apparently. I heard that you crushed it, so good for you.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Look out for those clips.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

But the day of the taping was not or no, not the day of the taping, the day of travel leading up to the taping was not ideal.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

My travel day was my birthday, which you can relate to.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Yes, but traveling on your birthday never that fun. But aside from that, what what was the issue? TSA lines?

SPEAKER_01 6:27

I was ready for like TSA Nightmare because I kept hearing TSA. I flew by TSA pre-check, like I was in Mission Impossible. Everything was so smooth, and then I get to the hotel, and the only thing I had was drinks at four o'clock, shout out to Shy with my friend, and I was really excited about. And I get to the hotel 20 minutes early. Sometimes they can check you in 20 minutes early.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

What people on the pod might not know, because we're gonna cut out what was just an argument about Esther telling a quite long-winded story about something I wasn't particularly engaged in afterwards. She said, I apologize, that's a phone call to my sister. That's that's a wonderful phrase. I love that. From now on, do I have do I have your permission from now on when you are giving me a little bit too much detail to just say, hey, that's a phone call for Jacqueline.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

That's a phone call for Jacqueline.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

And what would you like to say to me if I start talking about sports or the stock market?

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Ooh, that sounds like an hour back text.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Okay, fair enough. So we each have the go-to person where when we That's a Shane call.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

You have your sister to talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

When we don't actually give a shit about what the other person is talking about, instead of being bad to ourselves by pretending to care, or instead of being unkind to each other by being rude and just saying I don't care, we can say that's a Jacqueline phone call, that's an hour back text. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Or a Shana call. Your sister is a great, like she loves sports, you guys vibe.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

That's a great shorthand. That's a good couple's tip. I apologize for cutting off your story and telling you that it was not doing it for me. I am admittedly grumpy this morning.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

We are committed to being an entertaining podcast.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

We are not going to be, we are committed to to doing things that are fun, light, entertaining, and bringing joy to the world. So that is our mission statement.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Yes. And so, with that said, can I complain about why I'm grumpy this morning?

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Yes, this is it kind of reminds me of the MTV show next. A little bit of our podcast is a slight MTV show next, where when one of us is like, it's just not working for me, it's like next.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Oh, so now you're getting in on the buzzer? The buzzer you bought for me for my boundaries has now become your way to move on from my search. I'm still I like it. You have every right to use the move on button.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

I'm just saying that it's a next situation.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Okay. Well, I did wake up grumpy this morning because I slept poorly and I woke up with a crick in my neck. I am in a decade-long battle with pillows. I don't know how you seem to be able to fall asleep on any bed you've ever laid down on with any pillow you're given, within five minutes you fall asleep and you sleep for 10 to 12 hours if uninterrupted. I cannot sleep and I have such bad luck with pillows.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

What if we're blaming the pillow and it's sleep apnea? What if we're blaming the pillow and it's looking at screens before bed? And and and and maybe maybe it's other things, but also maybe it is pillows.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

No, there's there's a variety of contributing factors to me being bad at sleeping, but the pillows are their own isolated incident. And here's a real champagne problem thing. I realize I'm complaining about having a cleaning lady, but when our cleaning lady comes, she washes the pillows. Sure, she washes the pillowcases. All of our pillows are kind of the same. We have like seven or eight pillows, they're all the same, but there's like two or three that for whatever reason are the least shitty of the seven or eight physical.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

You're OCD, and I'm not. So your cleaning lady needs to be OCD.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

Well, when she changes the pillowcases, she just puts pillowcases back on the pillows willy-nilly, and I lose track of which two or three of our shitty pillows actually work for me. And it takes me another week to identify which combo of the least shitty pillows work for me to sleep. And by the time I figure it out, the cleaning lady comes again.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

By the way, didn't I send you something that Japan will like Japan's always ahead of everybody, but they have like a store where they measure your neck and the height and this and that, and then they design a pillow. We need to go to Japan, stay at a five-star hotel. No, we'll go to Japan and we get you like fitted for like a custom pillow.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

This is your this is your pitch to go on a Japan vacation, which I don't hate. But yes, in a perfect world, I would fly to Japan and get this custom-made pillow until then I'm just gonna wake up grumpy every now and again with the inability to turn past 30 degrees to my left.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

I would watch NBA players talk about their sleep. Like I would watch every I would watch Shaq talk about how big his bed is, what pillow he uses.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

See, you finally found something sports-related I have no interest in. Oh I would not.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Dudes, like I think you're another thing is like you're a big guy, so you're like, I need a king-size bed and stuff like that. And then we go to a friend's house and they're like, Would you guys like to share our twin bed? And you're like, uh, we have to leave. Um, but it's it's I think it could be that big guys are not comfortable ever.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

That's quite possible. The world was certainly not made for big men. I'm not gonna complain about all the advantages that big men have in the world.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

But your legs get very, very cramped on an airplane.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Cars, airplanes. The world was not set up for people my size.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Your friend Eli's way taller than you.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

All right, calm down. Way taller. Oh, he's way taller. He's six foot eight, he's way taller than everyone.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

But yes, he's way taller than you, and he really doubling down. No, listen, you told me about him hitting his head. Like if if if Eli was in like uh the office or something, there would be just like a scene of blue birth, a montage. And describe to me the montage you've witnessed of this six foot eight guy.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

I can't I can't even focus on Eli's head hitting montage because I'm worried that on camera and I certainly feel that I'm just like pouring sweat. Is my forehead just drippy and shiny? Because ever since you made me turn off the AC, not even a little bit. I am so hot and sweaty. How are you existing in this house right now? And it's still cold. You're cold. Right now, you're cold.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

Please describe the Eli montage. It's a six foot eight man.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

It's a scene of him getting off a plane, but he's wearing a hat, so he doesn't see how low the plane is, and he hits his head on the other side of the plane door. It's a scene of Eli in a hotel shower where he's not familiar with the dimensions, and he bends down to wash his legs with soap and hits his head on the soap tray on the side of the chair.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

You guys were in a place that, like, literally the entrance was too short. It was like a tunnel. I mean, he was everything feels like a tunnel.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

You're just like, oh, right this way, uh table for two, and he's like, okay, like it's just constantly dashing. It's funny, right? Or is it sad?

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Neither of the two. I mean, it's it's it's definitely funny when he hits his head in real time. I don't know if this is fucked up of me. I take such joy and pleasure in other people's mild discomfort. I never want to see people, I never want to see people actually hurt. I never want to see people actually sick. But when people have small, very easily to recover from injuries or inconveniences, it tickles me deep in my soul in a part that I'm not proud of. Like my friend Ashish one time got a nasal surgery for breathing, and he had the cotton stuck up his nose for a day, and he sent me a picture, and I could tell how miserable he was with the cotton, shoved up his nose, and I laughed for a week straight. Anytime I looked at the picture, it just made me crack up. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Hilarious. Women do not have that kind of sense of humor exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

You think women across the board just don't delight in other people's mild inconveniences?

SPEAKER_01 14:37

No, not mild inconveniences.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

That's a male humor.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

Maybe. So if you see someone slip and fall, you're not laughing, as long as they're not truly injured.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

So, speaking of which, I almost slipped and fell. I I think a slip and fall can be funny depending on the person.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Okay, so women do.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

I saw a very old person fall and I was horrified.

SPEAKER_00 14:59

Oh, I thought you were about to say I saw an old person fall, and that was funny. I was like, oh, that's that's what you did.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

It was actually at the sphere. It was at the um Wizard of Oz sphere, and someone like fell, and then the daughter was like, it's fine, it happens all the time. Keep going.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

People do not need to go to the sphere. But wait, where did you almost slip and fall?

SPEAKER_01 15:16

It was this is funny. I was at my taping and we were there. The call time was 2:30, and we were shooting at seven. Kind of an aggressive call time. So, like, we live in this venue for a while. So I'm living in this venue, it is pitch black. There's we do lunch, we do food, whatever. There was one point where I had to get on stage to take pictures with the microphone, whatever. And as I'm walking on stage, there's like boxes everywhere, and I tripped and I was in heels. And what I did is that I'm kind of a yogi person. I tripped and then I like flung up and then I started to like skip and prance, and I thought no one was watching, but I still performed as if I had an audience, and then someone on the side was like, Wait, but were you doing that for yourself just to be silly, or you were trying to truly play it off like you didn't slip and fall? No, everyone knew this chick with her hair done and her makeup did in high heels was about to fall and eat shit, but I fell into a graceful performance. Silly ballet.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Good for you.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

And everyone was laughing. And by everyone, I mean two people, but the 90 other people were not paying any attention to me.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Tell me more about the taping in the venue because we got a call from a friend ahead of time who was just like, Hey, I just want to give Esther the heads up. It's not like the greatest room to perform in. So was it as bad as you were expecting, or did that heads up make you actually a little bit um more at ease? Because once you got there, you're like, Oh, it's not as bad as I was expecting.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

What's hilarious is I've been I was asked this a couple times, how long have you been doing comedy? Which is a real rookie question.

SPEAKER_03 16:56

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

And I said 20 years, and then whatever. 20 years into comedy, my expectations are so low. When I got in, I thought I was in a palace. I was like, um, this is one trillion times better than I thought it was gonna be because.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Oh, so the venue was good.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

The venue wasn't good.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

I just thought I was not good, but still 100 trillion times better than you were expecting.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

I thought I was gonna walk into a circus tent infested with fleas, with like someone on a fucking bouncy ball telling me to take my top off.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

No, I'm performing there tomorrow night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

And so I was like, I was like, a roof?

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Oh my god, the bare minimum is required for comedians and crew.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

I was like, you guys, I'm a princess. There was a green room we were told we weren't allowed in because the crews were in there and the director was in there.

SPEAKER_00 17:53

Oh wonderful. Here's the green room. You can't go in there. Love that, love that green.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

And they're like, and then there's a bathroom which is for everybody. And I was like, this is amazing. There's a bathroom, a green room we're not allowed in. And they even had a bag of Doritos for snacks. And I was like, you people, I'm a queen of queen. And I was like delighted by the fact that there were water bottles.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

I I also don't want you to feel like I'm ignoring you. I can't look at you for most of the stories you're telling because of this crick in my neck. I just wanted to.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

Which makes me funnier.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Put out there.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

The harder the audience, the funnier I am.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

These audiences were lovely and kind. I it was a mix of all kinds of Austin people. They didn't know who I was because they live in Austin. I didn't really know who they were, but then I met this one guy from Miami, and I'm like, You're from Miami. I have a friend in Miami. Really silly to say that. I have a friend in Miami. He said, Who? I said, She's a pop star. She's a Latin pop star. He goes, Who? I go, Cat Dahlia. He goes, I went to high school with Kat Dah. Are you kidding? Poker night. Tell her I miss po and I was like, this is hilarious. A swing and a win. When you say I know one person in Miami.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

A swing and a win.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

A home run? A swing and a miss is usually the why not a swing and a win.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

It's just not a phrase.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Sports.

SPEAKER_00 19:17

Sorry, go on. Cat dahlia puzzle.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

But it's funny when you're like, oh, you live in Philadelphia. I have got one friend in Philadelphia.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

That typically Jewish geography is a thing that typically works when Jews find out someone lives in a city and they know adju in that city and they say, Do you know? Nine times out of ten, you do know. He's my pediatrician. Just knowing one Latina in Miami and actually having it be known, that that's more impressive. That's a swing and a win.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

So um, but yeah, anyways, taping went well, and then afterwards I went and saw a concert for like Blues Traveler, huh? Now, OnlyFans gave us merch. So I put on the OnlyFans hat. I said, Is this hat weird? My friend Shy said, Don't worry, everyone's in Brandon merch. It's South by Southwest. Everyone's wearing whatever they're supposed to be wearing. So I'm wearing OnlyFans. It took a whopping four minutes, and I'm in line at a bar, which is really like an airstream, and get grabbing a drink, and a couple of guys came up to me and said, Are you an OnlyFans model?

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Well, what did you think was gonna happen? You're a gorgeous woman who's in full hair and makeup, wearing an OnlyFans hat. That would be like a seven-foot-tall black guy wearing a basketball jersey and then getting annoyed if he goes out to a bar and people are like, Do you play basketball? It's like you're wearing the uniform. Yeah, and it's my friend Eli.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

So so much taller than you.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Wait, going back to Blues Traveler, which is such a random band to get to go and see in 2026. Is their lead singer still very fat?

SPEAKER_01 20:57

I mean, yeah, but I don't know about still. I didn't know he was a person. I thought it was just a song on the radio.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

At least in the in the like mid to late 90s, the whole thing was like, wow, this gigantic fat guy is really good at the harmonica. Blues traveling.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

He was mildly fat. I mean, it was Texas, he didn't stand out.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

It's not like, no, um in America, you have if you're like there was nothing mildly fat about him back in the day.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

So if you are describing him as mildly fat, even in the sea of orcas, apparently, that populate Texas, then I would say it vegan be like, did she have big boobs?

SPEAKER_01 21:35

I'm like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

She needed a shopping cart to push them around, but medium compared to everybody else at lifetime.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

So it sounds like I f I think his name is John Popper. Does that sound right? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

And he was wearing kind of a fur jacket, and I was like, I would kind of slay in that jacket. He looked cool, he had some rings.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

One of the songs switched up his whole vibe because the other thing he was famous for was like. A fishing vest with just rows of harmonics.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

He gave way fishing.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

He lost 200 pounds, gave away the vest. He got mildly skinnier, started putting on the metal fits on his fingers.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

And he's he's he was phenomenal. I felt like I was in front of an artist, and then he stopped the song to do the other song, and he starts being like funny.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

And I was like, and when you as a comedian, when you see performers being funny or attempting to be funny in between what they do, what are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Well, I feel like they're giving what would bomb at a comedy club is now getting like a round of applause, a sea of laughter, because he said whoops a daisy.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

So he said butt cheeks, and everyone was like, and I always look at a friend and go. No, because I always look at a friend and go, he's killing. And then I get a laugh. I'm not annoyed they're getting cheap laughs because if I was doing comedy and then randomly it was like with the harmonica.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

Your dad, who was an aspiring comic in the 80s, that wishes he became a comedian. I've seen him get visibly annoyed in synagogue when the rabbi gets cheap laughs at the sermon. Your dad will give me looks like this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you believe they're eating this shit up?

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Well, then the Southwest flight attendant was like was doing her Chappelle special.

SPEAKER_00 23:30

And I was Southwest is famous for having stewards, stewardesses.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Can they pay me to punch up the script?

SPEAKER_00 23:37

Here's the thing: nobody wants it, punched up or not. No one wants a performance from the I feel like the public has spoken, and what we want is close the doors as fast as possible, get this flight off the ground. Blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

If it crashes, we're all fucked.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

And let everyone be heard from as little as possible. The pilot, the flight attendants, your fellow passengers. My ideal airline would be silence.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Silence and legroom.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

Oh my god, that should be the name of uh you give me an airline called Silence and Legroom. You can charge me whatever the hell you want for a ticket. I'm flying you.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Amazing. I want I want Death Def Comedy Jam and Cramped AF. It was a movie called discount ticket.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

It was a movie called Soul Plane.

unknown 24:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Uh all right, let's do this week in Vegas. Did you pull up any interesting news stories?

SPEAKER_01 24:27

So I am actively hunting for like good news stories, and this is what this is where we're at. Pink is probably going to be performing at the sphere and doing a residency, which would make her story of the first female performer at the sphere. That's literally the top headline.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

I know. So here I I saw that headline. Here, here's the thing. I love Pink, and I'm not here to poo-poo anyone's famous herstery. The sphere has been around for like what a year and a half, two years. So, like, is it that groundbreaking or is it that big of a deal after the Rolling Stones and the Grateful Dead and Eagles and Eagles had their had their residencies? It's like Finally. Okay, so the fourth fourth artist. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

The Backstreet Boys. I mean, there is a good amount, but good for Pink because she does a lot of like aerial silks and spins upside down. It's going to be a cert de Soleil performance. All my yoga teachers will be cast in this because they're all experts.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

I'm sure Pink will put on a great show, and I'm sure many old people will go and fall while watching her at the sphere.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Um, Jewish and the not the old people, Pink.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

Oh no, also the old bear. If it's old people falling in the sphere, they're gonna be Jewish.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

So Zendaya to promote her new movie shows up at a pop-up wedding chapel in Vegas. And by the way, Vegas has like some of the best wedding laws and the best annulment laws. Is what a way to make yourself the number one wedding destination. Just loosen up all the laws.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

That was pretty well known. Do you have a lot of people? When Elvis is the one marrying you, you better have some loose laws around it.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

It's always very good.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

And Elvis in person. Wait, is her new movie marriage related, Vegas related?

SPEAKER_01 26:17

I think it's marriage related. She signed a couple's marriage license. So, like I've seen this done as a promo where like I feel like it was done with the other movie that got the Oscar about Hooker in. She was in Better Things. She's the daughter of she's a Nepo baby.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

Oh, uh Maddie, Mikey Madison.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

Yeah, she I think they did the promo at a wedding chapel. Get married in Vegas. Celebs might come just to promote their film.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Wait, but just to be clear, I don't think Mikey Madison is a Nepo baby.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

You know what?

SPEAKER_00 26:48

I think you're confusing her with Pamela Adlon's daughter.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

Uh Mikey Madison, you Queen of Queens, my bad. Pamela is your fake mom from Better Things.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

She was so good at being Pamela Adlon's daughter that you were convinced. Got it. Now we find out Mikey Madison is like the daughter of billionaires or something.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

Yes, might be. Okay, and then there's one more thing in the other than a bunch of crime. Um, the other thing is that the city approved an electric daisy concert EDM parade. We're the only city that would approve a rave parade.

SPEAKER_00 27:31

I feel like that was a word salad. I don't even fully comprehend. What do you mean they approved a parade of an EDM festival? Isn't the EDM festival essentially a pro what? It's just that now the EDM festival is gonna wander through the streets. Like a New Orleans style, just like moving band walking. All right.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Tourism is hurting. Get a bunch of women wearing like neon pasties, furry boots on Molly, and just parade them through the city. People in Minnesota are gonna start booking their flights. I don't know. And then I also was like in the car and on the radio, it was like sober at Encore Beach Club. So they're trying to do the day break, which is sober dancing, sober parties.

SPEAKER_00 28:16

I've never been less attracted to an event in my life, and I'm not even a big drinker. It's not like I love drinking or dance parties, but the thought of a daytime sober dance party.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

That excites me. I would love to do it.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

What about that excites you?

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Because it's not popping bottles, it's not, it's it's people who just want an ecstatic dance. It's like get your groove on without the idea of like, but you need to be inebriated, let's get you drunk. And instead, you're just feeling the music in the middle of the day, which is the best time to dance.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

I feel like there are certain we don't like the same thing. Yeah, there are certain places or events where I can already tell I would be so annoyed by the vast majority of the clientele.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

Oh, guys that are sober who've done work on themselves, you're like, I want nobody that stay far away.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

It's like how you try to get me into yoga when we were in Brooklyn, and the yoga itself, even though I wasn't thrilled with, I've said before, I admit it did feel better for my body afterwards. I was so annoyed by the other people in the yoga class that I stopped going. And I feel like if I went to a date, they were crying or sniffing or requesting certain it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare.

SPEAKER_02 29:38

Oh, but it does. Nobody does. You show me yoga class. I asked you to come with me to yoga class, and the guy starts, he sits right next to Noah, spewing bodily fluids.

SPEAKER_00 29:52

You have to know, you have to know.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

If you're gonna attend crying like a sprinkler.

SPEAKER_00 29:57

If you're going to attend a pay what you want Brooklyn yoga class, you're gonna get a dude crying.

SPEAKER_02 30:05

Your favorite yoga class was Meditation Mountain in OHI, which was so quiet, you could hear all the- 60-year-old women.

SPEAKER_00 30:12

You yes, I just want bones. All I want is a silent room of old people who also want to be left alone.

SPEAKER_02 30:21

So that everyone's bones can crack in unison.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

Bone cracking is a sound I'm fine with if it's involuntary, if you just can't control it. Um we had to pause because the camera shot off because it got overheated, and you said me and the camera are on the same temperature where I was about to tap out of the podcast as well.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

So yeah, I actually think the reason that movies take so long to make is because the cameras get overheated.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

Yes, but yeah, that was uh that was a fun This Week in Vegas segment.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Yeah, the news of our city is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_00 30:55

Well, as far as Vegas news ridiculousness goes, pink being a headliner, people wanting to do a dance party, and there being a traveling EDM festival. I feel like that's pretty actually tame for Vegas. I might have to take over the This Week in Vegas news desk. I might have to be the one responsible for some headlines next week. Uh, I guess we'll get into jokeyard in a second, but there is one thing I wanted to address. I woke up this morning to thankfully something that does not happen often. I got a piece of anti-Semitic fan mail. My episode of Comics Unleashed aired last night, and I woke up to an email that said, Saw you on TV last night. Since your career isn't going well, maybe you should try University of Phoenix. There's always room for people like you in business, I suppose. And so I had to assume the people like you in business was a slight of being Jewish, but here's the thing that I found funny. His first line was Saw you on TV last night since your career isn't going well. Hey, dumbass, you saw me on TV. I understand Comics Unleashed isn't the tonight show with Johnny Carson of yesteryear. Is it the greatest TV credit to have? No. But if you saw someone on TV, that means their career is doing just fine.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

Noah, I literally thought it was gonna be like, fuck you, dirty Jew, go to hell, burn in hell.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

You're like, that is the most wonderful news.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

If anti-Semitism can be go to business school.

SPEAKER_00 32:28

Okay, so now that you reframe it, maybe it was maybe it was actually a fan.

SPEAKER_02 32:33

It was it was just your aunt who ran out of birthday card space.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Honey, go to business school.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

Yeah, that is the that is wonderful news.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

Alright, great. Nice reframing. I appreciate that. Thank you. All right, so jokeyard, what do you got? And again, I'm gonna remind you of the rules. One joke. And don't use my time during jokeyard to pepper in other old jokes that you wanted to say.

SPEAKER_01 33:04

So it's an old joke. No, usually my old joke, I'll be like, I really like it, but I know you don't. This is the opposite. I don't like it, you do. And it's never worked, and it's never can't wait to hear this one. It's that I grew up with a middle sister. There was a middle sister, I was the youngest, and she was really loud and angry about everything, and she was a bitch, and now she thinks she's a prophet. Now I don't think so. But then the joke is like, we don't know what Gandhi was like growing up. Maybe he was a total douchebag to his brother. Gandhi came in my cereal again. Fuck you, Gandhi. Maybe Mother Teresa was like, shut the fucking door! Shut the door!

SPEAKER_00 33:58

That's the so that I do love this joke. So your sister, who is questionably unwell, occasionally has uh moments of feeling like she is prophetic. A prophet. I I like the joke specifically because of the premise. We don't know what these people who we hold in such high regard. I think it's brilliant to talk about we don't know what kind of nightmare teenager Gandhi was. We don't know what absolute shit show teenager Mother Teresa is. I think that is such fertile ground for comedy, and I actually love how you already have it with Mother Teresa saying, Shut the fucking door. I think that's really funny. The reason the joke has never worked, the Gandhi example you give is always too far. It's not working because you're saying we don't know if Gandhi came in his brother's cereal. First of all, too far. Second of all, Gandhi famously didn't eat a lot, so maybe choose not a food reference. And third of all, uh, no one wants to think about Gandhi coming in anything.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

So can you write it for me?

SPEAKER_00 34:59

Well, just pick any. Yes, of course I could write it for you. On the spot right now.

SPEAKER_01 35:05

For my birthday.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

For your birthday, I'll give you a card with the riddle to Gandhi. No, just pick any moderate example of Gandhi being an asshole for you.

SPEAKER_01 35:17

Headbuttted me, smashed my face in the kitchen.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

We don't know how many times Gandhi gave his brother a wedgie.

SPEAKER_01 35:22

We don't know how many times Gandhi Gandhi was the wet willy king.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

Yeah, like, or it can be more aggressive than that. He can do something obnoxious or rude, but I think coming in his brother's cereal is a step too far. Otherwise, I love the joke. The joke being your sister thinks she's a prophet, you don't know if she is, but you also don't know all these other people that we hold in such high regards.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

The reason, the reason if she is, let's just say my sister is a great spiritual leader.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

The reason you discount it is because you know what a nightmare she was as a teenager.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

Nightmare as a teenager.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Brilliant premise. So let's love the setup.

SPEAKER_01 35:59

Is there another spiritual leader we could give a nightmare as a teenager? Does it need a third? Should we do well spiritual leader might be a bridge to what I was gonna say? But I've heard someone do Martin Luther King farted with the windows up. I think that was Sarah Silverman's joke.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

Oh, well then let's avoid that one. There's a the pro the problem is, huh? I was like, yeah. Yeah, the issue is not that you're running out of historical examples to cite, or that there's not enough examples of teenagers being assholes. It's that you chose the one specific verbiage of Gandhi coming in serial that was just never gonna work. That's my diagnosis of the joke.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

So I'm excited about this birthday cart.

SPEAKER_00 36:42

Okay, so my jokey art, a premise, I've only tried once, and I actually I have confidence in it. I was just too lazy to really take it to where it needs to go. But my I had this thought about how people are constantly complaining about overpopulation and people are worried about overpopulation, and no one is acknowledging that the real overpopulation is happening in the cloud. It's not about the 8 billion people on earth, it's about the 20 billion social media profiles that we have to interact with in the atmosphere.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

Personal attack.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

No, it's not about you. It's I'm saying like I know.

SPEAKER_01 37:16

I'm but I I do take the problem.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

You think one person on Earth is the problem? The real problem is the four different online versions of them I'm forced to see every day.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

900 billion touch device.

SPEAKER_00 37:26

I think there's something funny about like I can avoid this annoying person in my neighborhood, but for some reason I open my phone and I can't avoid seeing his Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 37:37

Oh, I literally thought that you're talking about the world's worst problem that no one's talking about, which is that like the servers that need to keep going.

SPEAKER_00 37:47

I'm not getting into the actual ramifications of data and servers. I'm talking about the idea that my piece is being much more interrupted by the overcrowding of social media personas as opposed to actual people I interact with on this physical earth. Do you think there's anything So how do we kill them?

SPEAKER_01 38:10

How do we like so how do we prevent like how do we delete everybody? Well, I'm not I know what's really funny, I'm not trying to keep your phone down.

SPEAKER_00 38:20

I'm sure. But that that's the thing is I'm not trying to get to a solution. My joke is not about like how do we get rid of this overpopulation online? My joke is simply calling to attention that people are worried about overpopulation on Earth, but the real overpopulation that bothers me is happening in the cloud.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

So here's my impression of everyone on planet Earth. We're doomed, we're doomed, oh no, we're doomed. Oh, it's sunny, it's beautiful, birds are trooping. Oh, we're doomed, we're doomed. It's like put the rectangle down. Everything's wonderful, unless you live in the eight places that are being televised on your.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

You're not helping me with my joke, you're not getting me to anything funnier. You're just telling me all the reasons why the joke won't work.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

You take yourself out of it. Like Louis C.K., it's really funny. He's like, there was some dumb idiot on the plane. He was the dumb idiot. So you take yourself out of the joke. You're like, there are people who are so worried about over your population, and then they go online and they post so much, blah, blah, blah. It's like, bro, put your phone down. You hate that.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

I don't think we cracked the code at all. I don't think that was helpful, but sound off in the comments, email us at Against His Will Pod, and then to it on the cloud on Instagram.

SPEAKER_01 39:37

What is funny about people overpopulation?

SPEAKER_00 39:40

That's the point of jokeyard was to try to workshop something funnier. You keep on just trying to give me a solution to the I have an idea.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

You make fun of like the one person I don't mind.

SPEAKER_00 39:53

See, now we're getting to something.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

The one person I don't mind, but you on Halloween, you on the you on that. It's the it's like copy and pasting five trillion times. So now every person on earth is also multiplied into five trillion tetrabytes.

SPEAKER_00 40:10

There you go. One person, like I don't mind seeing you in person. It's seeing your picture on Halloween, seeing what you ate yet, hearing your thoughts on what you ate yesterday. That's much more annoying. Now you're overpopulating my thoughts. That's a funny breakthrough. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

Seven billion people on earth, no problem.

SPEAKER_00 40:28

Four versions of Marty, a problem. Yes, yeah, yeah. And I'm just throwing the name Marty out there. We actually only know one Marty, and he's a lovely guy. That wasn't about you. Just first name that came to mind.

SPEAKER_01 40:38

Yeah. But if I have to see you on Halloween every year, that's funny. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 40:45

That was helpful. A successful jokeyard. Thank you. All right. And I would say successful podcast, but now I got games to watch. And more importantly, plug your stuff. No, we don't have time to plug. I need to get the AC on.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

No, hold on. Noah has a lot of very exciting things. You're going to Washington, D.C.

SPEAKER_00 41:02

April 13th, D.C. Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C., April 14th, Wise Guys Town Square in Las Vegas, April 23rd, shooting my special at the Elaine Wolf Theater in Denver, Colorado. Quickly, plug. Go.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

I'm going to Florida in April. Check those dates out. And I'm performing with you at WiseGuys Las Vegas, April 14th.

SPEAKER_00 41:22

All tickets available at Punch Up Live. PunchUpLive.com backslash Noah Garden Swords. PunchUpLive.com backslash Esther Steinberg. Thank you for listening. Like, subscribe. Follow. See us on the cloud. Bye.