Hot Girl Exterminators and a Night Snorkel

Ester drags Noah into another podcast episode, celebrating Noah’s deadline article, sharing a terrifying night-snorkel story, highlighting Ester’s unbeatable exterminator skills, reporting absurd Vegas news, and digging up graveyard jokes to see if any can be salvaged.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, how are you, Noah?

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm good. How are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Good. It's been a very Noah Garden Swords week at the house. Very Noah. If my birthday was the very Esther Esther week, today was the very Noah Noah week where you had your deadline articles. So congratulations.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Thank you. I have a new project in the works that I'm very excited about. I'm hosting a weekly comedy show covering the prediction markets. And the big announcement was made online with a deadline article. Anyone in comedy or the industry knows you wait for the deadline article. It's like one of the few things that can make your peers stop scrolling on the gram and go, What the fuck did this guy just get?

SPEAKER_01 0:39

There should be uh, I think I should do a tour poster where I do a deadline article and just be like, come to my show in West Palm Beach, and everyone's like, Screw you. Just like I want to do call Jacob as the because it's such a famous poster of like injury attorney. Honestly, I want to take injury attorney billboards and turn them into comedy shows. I don't know. I just think it's funny that way.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

It's good branding, good marketing.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Uh stop scrolling.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

But uh today we actually recorded the first episode of the show that I'm working on. I get to record from my house, and Esther was kind enough to be my hair and makeup. You got me camera ready, which is also, by the way, why I'm not in glasses and might look less smudgy and shiny. Oh, you're being humble.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

You look stunning, you look gorgeous. You are slaying your no crumbs.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

I love your commitment to having a nice outfit, full hair and makeup, looking gorgeous every episode, while I continue to deliver t-shirts and sweatpants, slippers, which you can't see.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Hayley Beaver, Justin Beaver. Also, I don't want to set the bar. Like for now, we've got four episodes where I look good. Fifth episode, I might join you and you could show up in a business suit.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Episode eight, you're in a moo-moo.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

Yeah. So don't be fooled. I might just show up looking horrible.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

But here's what I want to say you you did my hair and makeup for the shoot, and I wanted to go big, giant disco curls. I don't have the hair for it. But I just told you I have one little red mark above my eyebrow, which is a permanent scar from when uh my oldest child was a baby. He scratched me, the scratch never healed, and now in every picture I have to see this giant red circle above my eyebrow. And I told you I wanted that covered up, and then you started covering up other stuff that I didn't even know existed. And so, as a man, I have to tell you, getting my makeup done was a humbling experience because you were clearing up and removing blemishes I was unaware of to the naked eye.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

50% of your face is face garbage, your hair, your beard, like it's it's such a cheat code. If all of our like you're basically contouring your face perfectly, but dark and light when women do the dark beards are absolutely a male cheat code.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

I don't think any man would lie about that. If you knew the double chin that existed under this beard, you'd be filing divorce, basically.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

And you can see the chin and Mazel. The marvelous Mrs. Mazel, they made him shave because comedians in the 50s wouldn't dare have like disgusting beards.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Correct. Little known fact about my guest appearance on Mrs. Mazel. I was a writer on the show, and a lot of people always ask, How did I get that role? I appeared in two episodes as a comic in the 50s. They literally cast me to fuck with me. The creator, Amy Sherman Paladino, cast me as a joke to force me to shave my beard. She knew how much I hated my unshaven face that she cast me in this role where, for period peace, authenticity, I literally couldn't have a beard. And it was so one big joke to her. That's how I got it.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

The inside Mazel Scoop, baby. Um, I saw something infuriating. I I hate starting with like, I was on the internet, but here we go. I was in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

And let's let's start with I was on the internet. We don't care where you were on the internet, we're all familiar with how we stumble upon the internet. It's either late at night watching porn or anytime during the day on our phone in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

So it was that an AI model, which is now a thing, very much a thing. AI model has made like over a million dollars in this past year selling feet pictures.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

I have never felt more competitive in my life. I was like, nah, bitch, that ain't your money. And it's not necessarily my money either, but like there is a woman, a single mom, who's struggling and she wants to pay for math lessons. Okay, she needs a math tutor for her son, and she God bless her with a fucked up face.

SPEAKER_00 4:47

This is quite the narrative you're spitting about.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

God bless her with gorgeous feet. That money belongs to her.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

I love that you're an artist and a writer in an industry very much threatened or affected by the prospect of AI taking jobs, and where your concern is actually that AI is taking foot pick jobs on the internet.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

It's fucked up. So if you have beautiful feet, you're that's your money.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Which you do. You would give the viewers at home a little something, something. I'm I'm as for for you on OnlyFans. Can we get some feet picks going on? Well, as you seem to be moving more towards the internet and AI and at least seeing what's out there, I'm moving in the other direction. I'm going more analog. I have recently picked up a newfound passion for Sudoku, thanks to you. You went to the airport uh while you were traveling, you got the kids a bunch of gifts, and then you were kind enough to buy me a hundred-page Sudoku book, and I am loving it. It is like my new morning routine with my coffee, I mind my business, I tune the world out, and I crunch some numbers, and I gotta say, big fan.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

With pen or pencil?

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Pencil. I'm not that cocky. I mean, how arrogant of an asshole do you have to be to do Sudoku and pen? That's like people who do New York Times crossword and pen. It's like, all right, bro, come.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

So I struggle with Sudoku, and I kind of want to know some of your tricks because I get to a certain point and I think I'm really good to get to a certain point, and then I'm like, how are we getting further?

SPEAKER_00 6:15

I don't I think your ADD is too bad to get through Sudoku. I don't, I honestly don't think you have the patience and concentration. I don't think you have the concentration in that increment of time required to be successful at Sudoku. Your math skills are certainly on par. You're fantastic on my own. Yeah, if if we're talking skills, if I'm a Sudoku, if I'm a skilled Sudokuist, your secret skill is exterminating.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

Well, there was the dishes in the laundry, which Noah's so OCD and particular about dishes in the laundry. I can't do it right, so I'm like, fine, you do it. So he, lovely man over here, does the dishes in the laundry. Then we had a dead bird. It was it was a dead bird, and someone had to deal with the dead bird.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

I am not ashamed to admit I do not do dead animals. There's something about a dead animal that creeps me out to my core. I have like a visceral reaction. I cannot pick up a dead bird, a dead squirrel, a dead cat. If I stumble across anything dead.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

It wasn't fun. But he literally was like, Look, I'm doing the dishes in the laundry.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

We are a very 2026 household. We share, there's a strong division of labor. It just goes opposite of what most people would assume. I, as the man, do the dishes in the laundry. You, as the woman, kill the bugs and pick up the dead animals.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

So I picked up a dead bird, and then the next thing you know, the exterminator, we we hired an exterminator because we're like, oh no, there's scorpions and all these things. They're digging up the whole all of Vegas is being dug up. So we're like, what do we do? He didn't get the job perfect, and uh there were still some critters. So I was like on Amazon and and started to buy things. Uh I have roach water, I have ant trap.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Yeah, you started you started pulling out elixirs and mixtures that I didn't even know existed.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

So it's just sticky, sticky tape, which is kind of the the kind way. That's the basic but now I have the kids involved and everyone's like, we gotta get the bugs, we gotta get and I am now the official exterminator. We call it Esther the Exterminator.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

No, we call it Estherminator. How do you fuck up your own nickname?

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Exterminator.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

You are Esther the Exterminator, aka the Exterminator, but you have this horrible business pitch, which is I wanna do sexy lady exterminators where we're like, I'm sorry, did you guys have a bug problem? Oh, you must have roaches because they're always looking for something wet.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Yeah, and just feel like, well, I think your problem is we're gonna have to spray the house.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

I think there are a lot of businesses where you can hire attractive women for the novelty of it. It probably wears off after a time or two, but I understand the sexy cleaning lady, topless cleaning lady.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

I mean, what I want to know is like how clean are how clean's the house gonna get.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

But I don't think anyone, even the creepiest of pervs, is interested in hot women coming to be their exterminator.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Well, it's not let me just tell you this it's not about being hot, it's about getting the job done properly. And when you want to kill them bugs, you hire a hot bitch because we're gonna get the job done.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

What if it's not even Oh yes, hot bitches, very well known for getting the job done. Everyone knows that hot women are synonymous with working really hard and getting things done efficiently. No, hot women famously cruise off of their attractiveness.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Okay, fine, but it would be funny, and I am I not doing a phenomenal job.

SPEAKER_00 9:56

You are a fantastic exterminator.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Thank you. All I've ever wanted to hear is that I'm doing a good job.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Separate from your looks, that's all.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

What else is going on?

SPEAKER_01 10:08

We've been watching a good amount of documentaries.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Oh, well, let me address this. I am one episode left in Better Call Saul, which was a fantastic show. But like a month and a half ago, I I loved Breaking Bad. I never watched Better Call Saul. I was out of shows one night, I threw it on, I got hooked. But it is six seasons, basically an hour and episode. The last season's 13 episodes, and it gets to the point where it becomes a homework assignment. Even if you like the show, once you've watched that much of it, you're just pushing to get through. And like, unlike you, I will not quit on a show. I will not quit on a book. Even if I stop liking it or if I'm disengaged, I'm reading a book all the way through if I open page one. If I start a show, I'm watching till the end.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

I watched every single episode of The Wire to the Well, that's I mean, that's a pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

That's arguably the greatest show of all time.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

But yes, I have a hard time sitting and watching every single episode of every single show because I have so much to get done.

SPEAKER_00 11:04

You're not a good co-watcher, or maybe I'm just too particular, but like, as you know, I need silence when I watch TV. I refuse to miss a word of dialogue, even in reality TV. When we watch the Kardashians together, you'll be like, I'm making some comment.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Chloe and Scott are like gonna like they are meant for each other, and in this weird world, I could see them together. Just saying.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Sure, but the my point is that like even in watching something as trivial as Kardashian reality TV, if you ask me a question, I'll be like, I don't know because I missed what they said because you were talking.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

You get upset.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

I will not miss a word of a TV show. If you ask me a question and interrupt, I will pause it, answer your question, then rewind to where we were before you asked the question.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Have you watched TV with my mom?

SPEAKER_00 11:44

It's a nightmare.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

Have you?

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Yes, and I will only I will only watch a TV show or a movie with your mother if I've already seen it because I know the amount of talking and questioning that's happening during that episode is unfathomable, unconscionable.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

When you took the kids to go see the movie, the goat, were they chatting?

SPEAKER_00 12:07

No, Moses was locked in, Nathan wanted to fall asleep on me, or every three seconds was asking for more food or like something to drink. But when it comes to kids' movies, I take that as a nap in the dark. Like I don't care about following, even if it is a good movie. If I'm taking the kids to a movie, which is very rarely That's an expensive nap. Worth every penny. If I get two hours of the kids leaving me alone in a dark room, and now I don't know if it's a Vegas thing, I would assume it's national. Now movie theaters basically all come with recliners. It's like the last attempt at luring people to come see the movies live is we're gonna make this as comfortable as possible to be here, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:43

They should have really, really hot girls selling tickets.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

Um, I want to see Withering Heights, and I never saw it, and I want to see it. You why wouldn't you?

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Go with your mom. You guys can maybe I will. I have negative desire to see Withering Heights.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

I did. We wanted to see the comedy movie with Will Arnett.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

I did, and we had a lot of friends that were in the movie.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Shout out to all of the Well, we couldn't find the right time to go.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

It's hard because if you're gonna go see a movie as a parent, you either need to go during the day when you have your days to finally get shit done, or you need to pay a babysitter on top of the ticket prices. So very rarely does going out to the theater seem worth it.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

But uh, you know, we should do comedy shows at noon. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Comedy shows at noon with hot women killing bugs in the background. I think we got a business.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yeah. How's your neck and everything? How's the pillow situation?

SPEAKER_00 13:39

Pillows are okay. I found a combo that works. My neck is feeling good. Um, yeah, physically I've been okay this week. Thank you for asking.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Have to applaud myself. I'm almost three months with no weed. And I will say the no weed has been a very big struggle or a really big hurdle. But I have a tip for anyone quitting weed, which is if you're gonna quit weed, start 10 new projects. I've like, I was studying for uh integrative health coaching. I'm starting new podcasts, and all these things happened and it coincide with quitting weed. So just if you're out there and you're thinking about quitting weed, here's how you do it: 10 projects, three projects, four projects.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

What a revolutionary idea. Are you thinking about getting off of drugs? Might I suggest having shit to do? Yes that oughta that ought to do the trick. Yes. Turns out you can't get high all day when you got things to do.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

That works.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

I found that out the hard way.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

I feel like it is it is riveting. It is good.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Yes. But don't you feel like now that you have 10 projects going, wouldn't it be better than ever to at the end of a long day after working on all these things to just get high? But you're afraid that if you're open that Pandora's box again, you're gonna start smoking during the day, and then once again, we'll not be doing as much as you could be.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Yeah, I'm like, hello darkness, my old friend.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Some people would say it's harder than quitting drugs, but I have really been decreasing my sugar intake over the last month or so. Hopefully on camera, it's finally shooting.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Sugar is like in your brain, it's the same as heroin.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Yeah, and I and I have really cut back on my sweets, and it's been difficult, but I'm finally seeing the results when I look in the mirror, which certainly makes it easier to stick with it.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

What was your go-to sweet?

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Oh my god, I love a good ice cream at the end of the night.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

What flavor?

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Uh, I either go mint chocolate chip or vanilla with hot fudge because I don't buy ice cream for the house. So when I'm talking about ice cream, I don't go to the freezer, pull out a pint, and dig in. I make an event of it. It's it's partly so I don't have it too often, but I have to drive to the ice cream shop. I've always loved ice cream. I scooped ice cream for three years in high school as my high school job, which by the way, best job ever for a teenage pothead.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

I'm gonna force the kids to be ice cream scoopers.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

I was an ice cream scooper in Denver, Colorado, which meant for half the year it was too cold for people to come get ice cream. So on many nights, my friends and I would be just sitting in an empty ice cream shop. We would go get high as fuck behind the shop or sometimes in the ice cream freezer, and then just have free run of the place to make ourselves all the ice cream Sundays we wanted. What a treat, what a dream. So that would make it.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

It feels like a 90s movie that you're that is waiting to be written. The ice cream stoners.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

I will absolutely write a like teenage stoner movie about a bunch of kids just working at an ice cream shop for their summer day.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

There has to be a heist, there has to be something because now movies have to have a heist.

SPEAKER_00 16:39

You wouldn't, you wouldn't think this would be the case, but if I was given the opportunity to go back and relive like one or two days of my life, there's a chance to like the good old We meant not even cracking the top ten. Sorry to break it to you. I would love to go back for just one night, like on a summer night, high school, no again, high with my best friend, scooping ice cream. What a time.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Can we write that? Would you feel sometimes I feel like that with nostalgia? I get like an immense amount of nostalgia for like listening to 50 Cent PAMP for the first time and being like, wow, I felt more alive than ever.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

How old were you when that song came out?

SPEAKER_01 17:18

I think it was like maybe sixth or seventh grade. It was around bot mitzvah time.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

It feels so creepy because there's absolutely nothing wrong with our age gap where we are now, and when we met, there was nothing wrong with it. We started dating, I was 32, you were 26.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Gorgeous age gap.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Nothing inappropriate about that. But sometimes when we'll think back and I realize I was a freshman in college while you were getting your bot mitzvah, that feels wrong.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Fine. That's how the world works, okay?

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Like Yeah, we should be so lucky if the gap is only college to bot mitzvah in the world.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

Yeah, seriously, that's how age works. It's weird. I also want to pitch you a movie the the I every day think about it is the female weekend at Bernie's starring Weekend at Bernadette.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

It's weekend at Bernadette. Who was your Melissa McCarthy?

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Melissa McCarthy. So I just saw the remaking the movie 13 going on 30. Great, and they're casting some cutesy gen Z person. I don't know. Great. I'm dying for a reboot, and I'm terrified that someone's gonna get there before me. This doesn't help.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Well, yeah, I was gonna say you're putting it out on the ether. Now 17 of our subscribers are gonna run to the run to deadline and put out that article.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Warner Brothers?

SPEAKER_00 18:39

No, I I will say this. I think it's a great idea, and I am certainly not opposed to a female version of the movie, but I think where you're gonna get pushback is historically the female reboot of when it's been attempted has not been successful. I remember female Ghostbusters was a real thing when it came out, and I think it was not We went in theaters, we got the 3D.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Sometimes when I get excited about something, I'm like, and the world loved it. And I was like, oh wait, that was just the comedy community in Brooklyn at the time at Nighthawk, and that was really fun.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Yeah, I think you're gonna face an uphill, but I do think Melissa McCarthy, cast in Weekend at Bernadette's, has legs. Thank you. You don't have to pitch to me. I don't own the IP. Whoever owns the rights to weekend at Bernie's.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

There's not a chance they're still alive. It was a real Coke Dutch show.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Turns out it was Bernie.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Yeah, yeah. Well, they just keep doing the remakes of the movies. So it sort of breaks my heart, but then I'm like, fine, you know, people. We we gotta get people to the movies. Uh they're doing the uh Meryl Streep um they're doing Devil Wears Product.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Well, that's a sequel, not a reboot, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Oh well, yes, the sequel, but I'm what I'm saying is no original ideas. We can't have an original idea for the life of us.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

So rather than fighting for an original idea, you're gonna hop on the train and just womanize the if you can't beat them, join them and not even womanize.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

We'll do it again, we'll do it men again, men again.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

There we go. Now I'm sold. Weekend at Bernie's 2. Boom. Actually, was there a sequel? Was there a weekend at Bernie's 2?

SPEAKER_01 20:09

I don't know. I don't think so. How could the movie was so stupid? They couldn't do a second one. We gotta remake it.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

All right, well, let's do this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Okay, so I once again tried very hard to find a real deal news story. Comedian Joe Coy is selling his Las Vegas mansion for$11.25 million in the ridges. Um, this is not news. I'm just trying to.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

Joe Coy lived in Vegas, or he just owned a pro.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

I mean, I believe he lives in Vegas or has a house in Vegas. That's not important news.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

That actually makes sense. I think there's a sizable Filipino community in Vegas, and he's a comedian, and he wants to sell. But like there are some very famous comedians that live in Vegas that we know about. You never hear about Joe Coy being one of the professional comics that are. Brian Regan.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Polly Shore kind of sort of lives here.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

Carrot Top. Oh, yeah. But again, these aren't secrets, these are things people know about.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

Yeah, let's get a better news.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

Las Vegas is officially on track to host the Super Bowl in February 2029. Did you know about this?

SPEAKER_00 21:24

No, but that's not a surprise. I think Vegas hosted the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl rotates to a handful of cities. For I think they tried a cold weather city one time and people hated it. So there's only a handful of cities that A are warm enough in February to host, B, have enough hotel rooms and infrastructure built in for the influx of tourists, and C have enough of a nightlife for the events to surround the Super Bowl. So Vegas is on the shore. Vegas, Miami, San Francisco, LA, these are the cities that every few years get to host the Super Bowl.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Then we can Airbnb at our house and jack up the price.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

I would never. I am so So out on Airbnb, I would never leave it. I know.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

I don't even think it's legal in our neighborhood.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Okay, well, I just I just read because you're you're flopping with these stories.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

We have one more horrendous story.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Okay, you should have led with that instead of Joe Coy selling an$11 million mansion.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Okay. The Bureau of Land Management is bringing back the viral Scorpion Search Night Hike at Red Rock Canyon, finally giving locals another chance to experience one of the desert's most unique nighttime adventures. It's coming back, baby.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

But what is it when they say the scorpion search night hike? Is it literally a hike?

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Nighttime hike where you are actively searching for scorpions, potentially with like black lights or something to find the scorpions.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

To then capture them and get them out of the ecosystem. I'm gonna say what 15,000 black comedians would be saying and thinking that's white people shit. I don't know who in the world is willingly signing up to go out into the wild and encounter scorpions. And you know how I feel about doing things with animals at night because a few years ago we went to Jamaica and There was a couple who was getting off a boat and we were like doing the turtle snorkel. We went snorkeling during the day and had a lovely time. And then this couple was like, oh my god, you have to do the night snorkel snorkel.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Oh my gosh, you would love the night snorkel. It was the best, the night snorkel was the best thing that ever happened to us.

SPEAKER_00 23:30

Single-handedly, most terrifying experience we've ever had. Going out on a boat in pitch black, and then they send you with a tiny flashlight that's waterproof to go underwater. So it's scary above the water and even scarier underwater.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

I didn't put it together. The night snorkel would be us snorkeling in pitch black nighttime.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

It was uh I was back on the boat within five minutes, taking my flippers off, snorkel out of my mouth, just waiting on the Gentiles who are willing to go swim at night in the ocean.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Um, the wonderful Jamaican tour guide just dived off the boat with a spear.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Pitch black. Okay, you got a bunch of American tourists, some enjoying, some very much not, but pretty much doing nothing. Our Jamaican tour guide hopped off the boat with a spear in one hand, a flashlight in the other, no snorkel, no fins, just in a bathing suit, a spear and a flashlight, came back up 35 seconds later with a crab on his spear.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Or was it a lobster?

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Whatever it was, and then he brought it back to the boat like we were gonna be impressed. And I was like, I'm allergic to shellfish, get it away from me.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

We were confused like what to do because he's like, hey, lobster, and everyone was like, lobster! He's like, You want some? And Noah's like, uh I'm allergic.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

We have never been more Jewish American tourists in the moment than attempting to go for a night snorkel where the Jamaican tour guide returns with shellfish for all, and we're we're allergic. So, anyway, good luck to everyone that wants to go hiking in Red Rock and find the scorpions. I hope no one gets stung bit and uh What in what news did you gather up? So I actually saw that Las Vegas is basically building an underground city because there already are underground tunnels. There's an underground loop where you it's basically a cab system with exclusively Teslas. It's like these small tunnels that will take you from the convention center to various casinos around, and it's supposed to decrease traffic and get people around very efficiently. But it's been such a success that they're now digging more tunnels all throughout the city, now extending to Fremont, the airport, the arts district. And I think they're really going to expand the entire tunnel system underground so that people can get from point A to point B in a matter of minutes without traffic, all on these like self-driving Teslas.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

Also, that that's hilarious that it's like very Tesla Tesla because then it feels like a members-only club, but only for like tunnels.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Like it's gonna try to, you know, it's it's well, you can't bring your own Tesla. It's like I think Elon Musk funded the original tunnels. It's like specifically to show that Tesla's self-driving functions work, where it's self-driving Teslas that act as a taxi that just pick people up at a certain spot and drop them off at the desired destination.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

And of course, there's gonna be the party Tesla and the this Tesla. I'm excited about the themed underground Teslas where the pink horn is. Yes. Um, it does. I just need a Tesla that goes underground from like the wind to Cosmo because for whatever reason it's$85 and takes an hour and a half, but every single visitor's yeah, it's three blocks away, and everyone who comes to Vegas is like, meet us at the wind. Okay, never mind Cosmo.

SPEAKER_00 26:43

And I'm like, no, and no one will walk because you're all in the room.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

Three miles, four hours. How do we do it?

SPEAKER_00 26:49

Horrible stiletto, uncomfortable heels.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Um, heels are out, sneakers are in. We now have people are talking about the bullet train, like it's already. I mean, it's been it's been the news story for a long time, but I just saw a new news story that's like it's already.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

They've been talking about the high-speed train for years. Congratulations when it finally happens. We'll see.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

Two hours.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Supposedly two hours from Vegas to Bakersfield. They keep on saying the train is from Vegas to LA. It's not to LA, it's to like 90 minutes outside of LA, which I I suppose still better from a traffic standpoint if it goes in two hours, but it's not solving the actual problem of direct Vegas to LA.

SPEAKER_01 27:29

This is a business opportunity. We create a Bakersfield to West Hollywood shuttle full of booze and get everyone ready to party for the train.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

I would rather go straight from a night snorkel to a night hike with scorpions than going on a party shuttle from Bakersfield to LA full of people from Vegas. Uh, and with that, let's move on to the show. For the Super Bowl. Ugh. I hate all of it.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

And they're all um whatever fans. People did so people did message us with some names.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

Oh, yeah. Shout out to a couple of the really good names.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

The winners, I believe, is my pitch.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

The Las Vegas winners would be good, especially if they spell it W Y. Like win.

SPEAKER_01 28:19

What about Las Vegas high rollers?

SPEAKER_00 28:21

High rollers, I think, is great because then you can also just cut it to rollers. Winners or Sinners would be good.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

The Las Vegas Sinners would be so fun.

SPEAKER_00 28:30

Jimmy McMurrin uh suggested the Las Vegas lights. I think that would be great for branding and marketing, and you could probably get some cool logos. Not it's not the best name, it's certainly not a tough name for.

SPEAKER_01 28:41

I like that we have like just what about the Las Vegas Raves, and then we get someone with like lights, and then they're like constantly in motion. My dad came up with Las Vegas Chippendales, he's from the 80s.

SPEAKER_00 28:54

You asked your dad to send in a team name and he said the Las Vegas Chippendales.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

And he and he also texted in AI five.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Your father is banned from participating in these suggestions from now on. That is awful. Um, all right, let's do jokeyard because we gotta wrap this up. What is this week's old joke from the past for you, or do you want me to start?

SPEAKER_01 29:16

You can start.

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Okay, this is a timely one because by the time this episode comes out, it'll be either Passover or close to Passover. This is a joke that again, I think is like a funny tweet standalone. And I think I wrote it in plans of actually doing it on a Jewish show back in the day. I was probably doing like a Passover show, and it never made it into the act, and it's what I want to work on is not so much whether or not this joke in itself is funny, but whether or not it's like the first ha ha setup premise to a larger chunk about Jews and food. Okay, which is Passover is the holiday when we of course remember that it literally took fleeing slavery to force Jews into a low carb diet.

SPEAKER_01 30:00

Well, I would I would I love that. And I'm I love most of it until we get to a low carb diet because instead of taking out carbohydrates, which is a choice, Jews instead decide to make matza cakes, matza cheese things, matzo brie, and then they just make everything.

SPEAKER_00 30:22

Well, and by the way, what's the nickname that you have for my dad's house? Carbon Swartz. The Carbon Swartz House. If you go to my dad's house, did I come up with carbon swartz house? No one else is up.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

The Carbon Swartz house.

SPEAKER_00 30:33

The Carbon Swartz house. When you go to my dad's house, there will be a minimum of 12 bagels, a pound cake, some babka, cinnamon, donuts, cinnamon stuff, donuts.

SPEAKER_01 30:45

I don't snack on like sugar and this and that, but you're you're handling kids, you're handling things, and then you get to the kitchen, and instead of like nothing waiting for you, or like an orange.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

You have a nice little comfort piece of chocolate rug on.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

Yeah, it's like someone died, and it's just so much carbohydrates.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Without spending too much time on my dad's house and the food inside of it. So you like the joke on its own, but do you think it should be the beginning of a larger chunk about like, oh, and on Yom Kippur we don't eat at all, which is a lot of A sorority girls, that's their Super Bowl. You know, like we're I could it could, but I'm so I it's funny that like matzo would be a less carbs for most people, but like I Okay, so you want to go on the angle of we're finally presented with the opportunity to have a low carb diet, and instead we're just replacing it with more shitty carbs. Yes. Okay, and then maybe I find an analogy of the city. Matza bra, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

Sorry, I'm so sorry, but it's funny because we're just finding brand new ways. I mean, people do crazy stuff that's like kosher for Passover, blah de blah, kosher for well, that's like the vegan approach of like now you're just eating shitty chicken. Yeah, this is just bad pizza. Good job. We could be eating nicely seasoned cauliflower. Oh, what about really bad burger?

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Okay, fair. All right, so I'll I'll play around with it. Now, what do you have?

SPEAKER_01 32:18

I was at a Seder that I was in New York City, and it was funny because I thought everyone looked like Bernie Madoff. They had like their little caps on, and it was all these like old Jewish men with little caps. And, anyways, so we're all sitting down at the Seder, and it was a very lovely Seder where they had like staff that was helping present some of the brisket, the food that was coming out, but it made it a little bit uncomfortable for me because we were like, and they were slaves in Egypt. Can we just get another round of water, please?

SPEAKER_00 32:48

And if you could get another glass of wine. Retelling the story of your people's slavery as you have workers serving you food. It is definitely an odd mix. But what's what's the joke that you have for jokey?

SPEAKER_01 33:01

The jokeyard joke, here we go, that goes with potentially why quit weed was I went to the dispensary one time and I looked disgusting. I was in like three-day old sweatpants with olive oil stains on them, and I was in line to buy weed. And the guy in front of me and the guy behind me were also dressed like they haven't changed their clothes in four days. We're talking bathrobes, flannel, pajama pants, uh, just shirts with holes in them.

SPEAKER_00 33:33

And I was like, It's called the weed shop tuxedo.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

Yeah, uh, this is the worst dressed drug in the world. Like, at least Coke heads are looking dapper, cokes looking good. Alcoholics even have like a little unbuttoned vest happening, but potheads, the drug is so good that people are like, shoes, not a chance, and it is the most disgusting, filthy group I'm part of, was part of, and was like, I gotta quit.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

That's funny. There's something funny about how you look shitty during your weed phase, other drugs you look great while you're doing it. Like you said, to get all coked up, you're typically going out for a big night, everyone's dressed to the nines. But I actually think all the other drugs long term, you end up looking way worse. And the pot and the potheads who are just in their flannel pajama pants out in public still look a lot better than a coke head or a meth head or an alcoholic four years down the road.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

And that's why you can be a pothead for 50 years because you're like, pajama pants isn't the worst thing, it's not the best thing either, but it's not the worst. So you could just stay on that page. Keep your blood pressure low.

SPEAKER_00 34:44

Yeah, I I like that.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

I wanted to use Tweety Bird slippers.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

I already used that in a joke talking about how people dress shitty for the airlines.

SPEAKER_01 34:53

So there is a bit, I don't want to step on your airline bit of a shit.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

So you just need to find a funny example of what they're wearing in line to really paint the picture.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

But legit, I was at a disgusting dispensary and people were dressed like they were uh asleep for the past five days.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Well, I do I do think there's also an angle about like you know the drug is good because people will willingly leave the house looking like this and think there's nothing wrong to go get more.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

Yes, yes, and uh weed smokers worst dressed.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

I still don't know. I think if we act I think heroin heroin addicts probably looking a little bit rougher than weed.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Well, they're not dressed. Weed smokers worst dressed. They put those clothes on.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

Worst of the people who actually wear clothes while doing drugs.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

Here's what a weed smoker's uh uh getting out of bed looks like to go to the dispensary. They have all of their clean clothes that they've dumped out onto the couch. They are sifting through to get the sweatpants and get the right top, maybe with bra. Wrinkles be damned, wrinkles be damned. And they just kind of slide into their vehicle, move the chips, and get on to the dispensary.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

All right. Well, I like that jokey yard. We'll see how much of it we can keep without possibly getting flagged on YouTube. I don't know how much of the Schmied and Schmerwin talk is gonna fly. But we're 100% ownership, no sponsors, so at least we can say what we want. Uh anyway.

SPEAKER_01 36:21

Until we start getting paid off to spend. And if you would like to pay us to silence us, we are accepting hush money. No, um, it always sounds like so such a weird thing to get rich from hush money. I just I have I've been blabbing my entire life so that someone will be like, shut the fuck up.

SPEAKER_00 36:42

What do you think I pay the mortgage for? When I pay the mortgage every month, that is my version of will you please stop talking for five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

But I love you very much. And you are we did it, episode four in the books. I will probably be back for episode five, no guarantees.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

Thank you so much for sitting down. I really appreciate it. And by the way, you look so good.

SPEAKER_00 37:06

Thank you. I had a good makeup artist this morning. She was cute too.

SPEAKER_01 37:19

This is our first kiss on camera.