Hot Tub Fish Daddy

In this episode Noah has one foot out the door because of his medical appointments. Noah and Ester discuss the dreaded tasks of the day, Bruno Mars Day Parade, the even more dreaded request for a "clean tape", and Ester's horrible upcoming travel plans. Enjoy the new episode and please like, share, and subscribe!

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@Ester.Steinberg

@NoahGComedy

@AgainstHisWill

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Noah, you are in a rush today. We are on a time constraint.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

I am here. I the podcast has been low maintenance in terms of we do it from our own house and you do all the setup. But today I got a lot going on, and it's not March Madness. I actually have appointments and things to do, and I'm going out of town soon, so I got a lot on my plate today, but happy to be here podcasting with you. How are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:22

I'm good. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_00 0:23

I'm feeling like we're like, okay, we're going, we gotta I'll start by explaining one thing to the viewing public, anyone who's not listening. Uh I have what Esther affectionately refers to as face garbage, when my facial hair is not lined up, it's not nice. I will readily admit as a man, what we do to look good or get ready pales in comparison to what women have to go through. I acknowledge that. But one overlooked component of being a man is facial hair maintenance, and no one talks about when your facial hair, when you need to regrow the line on your beard, but you have stuff to do in between time. So I have not been lining up my beard because I have to let it grow a little bit higher. One of the things I'm doing today, I'm going to the barber. Reconnect with my barber, by the way, the barber that I cheated on a few episodes ago. I went back to him. We're thick as thieves, good as ever. Um, but because I knew I had this barber appointment coming up this week, I have not done anything to my facial hair, and now I feel like I look quite sloppy on the pod today. So I just wanted to explain that.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

I think you look amazing, and I and I'm here to support your face journey. It must be very, very difficult.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Thank you. To make up for it though, I'm showing off the gams. I I'm showing a little skin with the legs.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

You are a calf man, your calves are popping.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Let me ask you a question. Did you notice that about me before I told you I had great calves?

SPEAKER_01 1:46

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

But you do agree I do have great calves.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

You have sensational calves. And I only I think we both remember growing up there was an episode of uh like True story, true life? True life, MTV, true life, and the guy gets calf implants. I didn't even know, I didn't know what a calf was.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

That was such a transformative, memorable episode for anyone that grew up in the 90s. I I I imagine he would be on like the top 10 list for most people our age of a where are they now?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Everybody knows the calf implant guy from I don't even I don't know, I don't even remember the name of those whatever. So the idea that men are self-conscious and want to put silicone calves in there.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Well, I'm not so I was never self-conscious about my calves.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

I know he wants to be like you, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Sure. But yeah, I mean, listen, my core, my midsection, my entire life has left a lot to be desired. I've never once in my life had a six-pack, even when I was in shape, even when I was a true athlete, never had a six-pack. But my shoulders and my calves, top tier.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

And you have a beard. Some guys can't grow a beard.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

That's true, but anyway, the beard is sloppy. What's going on with you?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Um, I'm also it well, first of all, I'm going to the sphere tonight. I'm gonna go see the Eagles, and then tomorrow I'm going to the sphere to see the Wizard of Oz. And and then I'm performing at uh the Tuscany Hotel. So I have like a very almost touristy weekend ahead of me.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Which are you more excited about? Eagles or Wizard of Oz?

SPEAKER_01 3:22

I'm more excited about the Eagles because I've heard it was an epic show and it's their very last show.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Right. So is that this is the very last Eagle show or the very Saturday night is the very last show.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Oh, and then I get to see what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

It's the very last show of Eagles as a band or just the Eagles reggae residency at the sphere?

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Well, I think it's the residency at the sphere, but I cannot possibly imagine them being like, all right, so we're done with the sphere. Uh and Oklahoma City, we're coming to now we're gonna tour and we're coming to Jacksonville. Tuscaloosa, we'll see you in May. Yeah, I think this is their choice to be completely done with music and they hate their fans. They're done.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Are you an Eagles fan?

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

You are, yeah. Because you're going with your mom, and it was your mom that approached you about it, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:11

My mom, well, I've always wanted to go to the Eagles. I heard that the Eagles at the Sphere is super epic. I love seeing boomers spend their money. I want to witness everyone from their second home wasting some of their money. Like, it's so funny to me. It's going to be boomers, and I feel comfortable with them in their in the and I like how much money they have, and I like the way they spend it.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

So you think, which I don't disagree with, you think you will be significantly younger at the age of 35, what, 36? You think at 36 you will be significantly younger than most of the crap.

SPEAKER_01 4:44

An infant compared to everyone else. And I also feel like if you're there, you're there with a boomer. Like you must bring a boomer, have a boomer. Boomer is involved. So my mom was like, Oh, I'll get the ticket by myself. And I was like, I'm not gonna let my mom go to the Eagles by herself. Plus, I really want to go. Plus, she's like, Do you think I could just drop off or something? She, I was like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna make you Uber. I will go with you.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

You have very good musical knowledge, but outside of Hotel California, how deep is your Eagles catalog?

SPEAKER_01 5:14

I mean, I know all the songs. Because I'm a I'm a uh it's yacht rock, and that's my jam.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

I don't know that the Eagles are yachting.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

The Eagles get thrown into the bridge, into Yacht Rock, into like 70s road trip.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

The bridge and yacht rock, two very different channels. There is some crossover, there are some songs that can play both, but very different. Growing up, coming up in Atlanta, I could play the black rooms, I could play the white rooms. There were some comics that could do both, but very different rooms. The bridge and yacht rock, not the same.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Yes, fine. But I'm I'm very, very excited. And then on Saturday night, I I've always wanted to stay at this one hotel if we were to ever do a staycation. Sure. And the universe just kind of like uh dropped this staycation on us, and we'll be staying at the Fountain Blue on Saturday because Well, we'll get to that in a second.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

But what's funny about why you love the Fountain Blue, why you've always wanted to do a staycation, has nothing to do with the amenities of the hotel, has nothing to do with the pool or the spa or the gambling. It is 100% the food court, not even the restaurants, the food court, and I and I'm with you 100%. Fountain Blue has the best food court in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

You heard it. Fountain blue, fountain blue next to the convention center in Las Vegas has the best food court in the city. Elite food court. I'm not a food court girl. I'm like, take me to dinner, wine, and dine me.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

But I am a food court guy.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

I think their food court's sensational, and they have the best bagel in all of Las Vegas, El Bagel, which comes in.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

You might have to strike that from the record. Dangerous to for some of our professional associates. There we go. The best grab a go bagel, but El Bagel is sensational.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Like of all the things that's like credible sushi, they got a burger spot, a Mexican spot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Of all the things, it's like well, woo woo wee.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Well, you're already on you're already on the record as an Einstein scal. I mean, but but yeah, so anyway, uh, I got a very random call at 8:30 in the morning yesterday. Pete Davidson is performing at the theater in the Fountain Blue, and apparently his team requested a local opener 48 hours before the show. They were scrambling to find someone. Asked one of the local bookers for like a good pro in town. He recommended me. Now I am opening for Pete Davidson tomorrow night at the Fountain Blue, and they were kind enough to also throw in a VIP room for me. So Esther will be joining, and we're gonna stay cation at the Fountain Blue. And I'm excited for tomorrow night because I know there's gonna be a young, excited crowd. Pete is a huge draw. He's gonna have comedy fans there. Pete is oddly enough one of the few comedians I don't think we know. Like comedians of a certain level, comedians who have been doing it for long enough. We all know each other.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Or we have some mutual friends.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Of course, we all have mutual friends. But like for the most part, I would say we know 90% of the working borderline famous comics. And if we don't know them, we've at least interacted with them, spent time in the same rooms, passed by in clubs. Pete, I in 20 years of comedy, I don't I don't know him, but I'm looking forward to the show tomorrow night, and I'm looking forward to the Fountain Blue.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

There is one mutual friend, one person who I think used to be a best friend of mine, it was a best friend of his. I don't know where the relationship is now. Jordan Rock. So we shared, we we like overlap in that, like, oh, he's he's my buddy, and he was his, but whatever. That's the one thing I know about him. And I I was in Denver Comedy Works at the like suburban Denver Comedy Works, and Pete Davidson was with Jordan Rock at the like cool downtown Denver Comedy Works. And I remember it was like, oh, should we all hit it?

SPEAKER_00 8:57

Once again, the two comedy works, both comedy works, one is Yacht Rock, one is the bridge. There's all so again, you can have two similar entities, very different vibes.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Same city. My mom and I were discussing all the different ways that you're traveling and I'm traveling and how we're gonna piece it together, and it's absolute chaos, madness.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

The back half of April. We're happy to be working, we're happy to be on the road and doing comedy, but it is going to be chaos for the next couple weeks.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

So, one of which is that I'm gonna do a show at the win and then take a red eye to get to Gainesville the next day via Tampa and then go and do the morning show in Tampa and then drive to Miami. And I'm telling my mom this.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

That sounds brutal.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Brutal, but it yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:44

What airline are you taking the red eye?

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Um, I think Southwest is now my new airline.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

I thought you were gonna say spirit because I know Vegas to Tampa. Spirit is one of the ones you have to fly.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

But Spirit's always been on time. I don't know. So, anyways, I I'm telling her the travel itinerary that I did to torture myself, to kill myself. I don't know why I'm doing it. And my mom was like, ooh, that's a brutal drive, Esther. That just sounds brutal, you know. Tampa to Miami is brutal. Tampa to Miami, not barely even the hard part of the situation. I have to drive home from Gainesville at midnight to be up at like 6 a.m. to go do the morning news, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 10:22

Tampa to Miami is like the vacation part of just four hours of Florida coastal driving.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

But I have to explain to my mom, I'm like, this isn't a carnival cruise ship, okay? This is me mustering all the grit and determination and being like, there are people in the army doing hard things. There are nurses working overnight. If they can do it, I can drive to Miami. Like I have to harness the grit and determination inside my soul to be like, I can do it.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

If your baseline comparison is soldiers in the army or nurses working, anything you have to do in comedy will be easier and better. So that's good. That's a good way you put it.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Not even a little bit. In fact, me even communicating to her my travel plans is like painful.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

But I mean, she wasn't trying to talk you out of it. She was just actually, I think, in her own way, trying to sympathize and be like, ooh, that's gonna be rough.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Which is she was like, Do you want to get maybe a plane from Tampa to Miami? And I was like, Okay, then I drive to the airport, wait for the plane. Yeah, I was just like, I'll and you know what I do when it's a really weird, painful long drive, whatever. First of all, I'm not too bothered by long drives, but I'm like, okay, here's what I'll do. I will write jokes. I will make it a thing to write jokes, or I will have some good stories, and I'm gonna challenge myself to come back with like a lot of stories.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

You and I have different approaches to long drives, though, because we've both spent years just road dogging in early days of comedy. I used to regularly do six to ten hour drives for weekend gigs. I have no problem either driving in silence and using that time to let my mind wander, or which isn't the best, but I'm just so technologically inept that even plugging setting my phone up to connect to a car and then play my own stuff feels above my pay grade. So then I will also just manually listen to the radio and every five seconds hit the seek button for whatever local stations are around. Whereas you like to listen to podcasts.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Well, I listen to books on tape, I listen to podcasts, I educate myself. All right.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

I listen to the website. You listen to books on tape and then claim you read the book.

SPEAKER_01 12:43

Well, you know, it was being read to me.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

You retain the information from the book, you did not read the book.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Okay, well, I read the book, and it was read to me. The words, I will I will try to deep dive into education and learning something or being entertainer. I love biographies. I've listened to every like woman talk about her life and biographies, it's very enjoyable. But this time to turn the music off and drive in silence and let my thoughts wander is also hopefully I can like audio text myself.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

So you are gonna do that. You're planning on going the note.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

I'm gonna it's like I'm gonna raw dog.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Raw dog. That's what the kids are calling. Raw dogging flights, you're gonna raw dogging.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Not to be confused with Raw Dog Station, which is the Sirius XM comedy station that I am um one of the few that plays us. I was just gonna. This brings me to the one of the most painful moments. More painful than a drive from Tampa to Miami. Somebody I love her, is a booker, was excited about me, supports me, and asked me for uh clean tape.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

The worst words in comedy. Well, can you get a tape? Do you have a tape? Send me a clean tape. But clean tape is even worse. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

And it's sad when it's like, okay, if it's just like, hey, you have a clean tape, we're submitting you, and 72,000 other comedians. I'm like throwing poop at the wall.

SPEAKER_00 14:11

And to non-comics, I don't think people realize how difficult getting a good, usable tape specifically for the purpose of whatever you're submitting for is. It is like an unwritten rule in comedy that if you need a tape, you will have 15 bad sets in a row, or you will have a great set, but the crowd will be talking next to your camera, or you'll have a great set and the and the waitress will walk by and drop off drinks dead center in the middle of your block.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

You run out of memory, the camera turns off.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

Something always happens that makes it impossible to get a good tape, and then finally you get so discouraged and tired of trying to get a tape that you don't even bring your camera and you're like, fuck it, I'm just gonna do a show. And then you have the set of your life where every joke works, the room was perfect, it would have been the tape.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

Yeah. Oh, oh, when I'm not taping, boy, oh boy, do I have the set of my life. And I'm like, I'm not taping, I don't care about tapes, I don't want to freaking deal with the fucking tapes.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

You're not taping, you are Chris Rock mixed with John Mullaney, every single set.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

But uh I will go and try to tape and try to tape the clean set, and then someone says something, and I'm like, what the fuck? And then I'm like, okay, well, the tape's over. And you energetically see me give up on the tape.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Oh, you can see a comic lose the life in their eyes mid-tape. Like trying to get a tape. If you watch a set of a tape a comic tried to get, you can see the moment in their head a comic goes, Well, this isn't gonna be the tape, and then they give up on whatever the agenda for that set was.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

Ooh, and then sometimes the host to try to help you will be like, all right, so this guy he's doing a tape.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

I've never done that. I've never, I've never warned the audience. I feel good about saying I have never warned the audience. I'm trying to get a tape, so if you guys could juice it up, if you guys could give me laughs, because first of all, that feels like cheating, and second of all, and it's corny, but beyond that, that just feels like karmically not correct.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

No, or sometimes, well, someone who's running something for like the golden globes, well, that's they do a cool thing where they're like different hey guys, um, I'm about to do Fallon, I'm about to do the Golden Globes, I'm just gonna run some jokes if that's okay with you guys.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

Very different, but anyway, so the cleaning. So you need to get a clean tape, and what was your process in trying? First of all, you get the email saying, Hey, can you send me a clean tape? Do you instantly think I think I have something? Or are you like, I know I have nothing, but what can I scrounge up from the past 15 years?

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Oh, well, the the thought process is like clean tape. I just saw tape. I'm like, I have plenty of tape. Are you kidding? I have hours of comedy on tape. I have specials, I got this. And then it's like, oh, clean tape. Okay, so I've got fucking nothing. Then I just spiral into like whose dick can I suck? Can I do anything other than a clean tape? Is there anything else? Is there anything else you can can I give you other than clean tape?

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Yeah, I think I think when you I think when you told me that this booker asked for a clean tape, you were like, I'd rather show my asshole. And I was like, Yeah, I think every comic, if they get the email that's like, will you get send me a tape? Where literally it's like, can I fuck you? Can I do something other than sending this to you?

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Um, so then I try to find a tape, and then I'm like, Can I edit out the curse words? I can't. Then I'm like, well, maybe in 1982 I did this tape, and then it goes to like a weird hairstyle, or I reference the future, and I'm like, so then there's one that was like about mustache lady mustaches. I'm like, you never know what's gonna be hipper cool. In 2026, girls are gonna be and I'm waiting to hear the day that I said the future was. You never know. In 2000 and lucky.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

In 2016, you threw out 2028. So you have two more years of this being a usable tape where you're referencing the future.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

So I ended up clipping up a wonderful set from a thousand years ago. My hair is short, my nose is huge.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

It's like six months into our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Yeah, it's like a grainy old black and white video. And um uh, you know, what's funny is Gotham Comedy Live.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

It was a really good set, and it was clean for the most part, but as we're watching, we're like, okay, we think you can use this because I walked in like a minute and a half to you watching, you go, I opened with two Holocaust jokes.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Which were amazing and also like the balls on this girl. Easy. The balls on this girl to do a taping and open with two Holocaust jokes.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Okay, what else?

SPEAKER_01 18:40

You're just getting mad that I interrupted.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

I yes, that that is an issue we have had over the last few weeks. I feel like we are speaking over each other quite frequently. It's certainly not one-sided. I do it to you as well. But I think because we're now podcasting, and I think as a listener, I wouldn't like hearing two people talk over each other, so I'm becoming more cognizant of how frequently we speak over each other, and it's starting to annoy me.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

You do not listen to podcasts, it is two people talking at the same time for an hour.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Okay, well, maybe that's why I don't listen to podcasts.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

I did feel validated because I watched someone talk about ADHD, and when two ADHD people get together, they're like conversations like are like ping-pong and random and they interrupt each other. And I was raised that way.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

When I watch you, I don't mind name checking her, I think she would be amused by this. When I watch you and Emma Wilman, who is a dear friend of ours, hilarious comedian, watch her stuff, listen to her stuff, she's great. She makes you look calm and laid back. I mean, Emma is bouncing off the walls, ADHD. So when the two of you get together, I almost have to leave the room when you two start talking.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Because we love each other, we have a lot in common. She's like, Oh yeah, I sent this tape in, and then the booker was, but then I did this IV. Have you done it? And I was like, Oh yeah, I love cryotherapy.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

She's like, but then it's not even how frequently you two talk over each other, it's how incapable either of you are in maintaining a story or keeping a conversation on track. It's just a bunch of non sequiturs and transitionless thoughts thrown back and forth at each other.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

It's so stimulating to the both of us. We leave being like, we never we didn't accomplish anything. It's a basketball game.

SPEAKER_00 20:20

I leave being like, I don't know what the hell is going on in that room, and you both leave, like, my cup is filled. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

And then we take pictures of our abs.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Which I don't have.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Emma's got sensational abs. Um next level. You'd actually think that ADHD could give you abs. And she's also dyslexic, which weirdly enough, dyslexic people are like some of the top 1% CEO people.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Just the way you spoke about that. Dyslexic people are some of the top 1% people. I'm gonna, I'm gonna I see you holding back and I appreciate you not trying to interrupt me, but what were you going to say?

SPEAKER_01 21:03

They're remarkably successful in comparison to other people, like the percentage of dyslexic people, whatever. I'll get the statistics in there.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

You think the per capita success of dyslexic people overperforms non-dyslexic people?

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Yes, and potentially it's because they have to think harder or outside the box or work harder. It's like Interesting. It's like comedians without a dad are doing numbers.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

That that's another one of our funny bits that Esther and I have couples' bits, and in the movie, what was the Queen movie called? The Freddie Mercury story? Yeah, whatever it was. There was a scene early on where young Freddie Mercury is being made fun of for like his four huge front teeth and something wrong with his incisors, and he says, large incisors for more range. Like basically saying that like his weird teeth are part of the reason he can sing so well. And so we after that. Started joking around about all the horrible traumatic ways you could have a childhood that would give you better range as a comedian. So we'd be like, no father, gay brother, for more range.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Dyslexic trans for more range.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Yeah, just an alcoholic father, dead mom, more range.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

It's a good bit. It's funny. Yeah, it's a good thing. For us, I don't know if it plays for the camera, but it's good for us. Uh, what else you got?

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Oh, the other day when me and Noah wanna bond and connect, and he's not on air being filmed against his will. We occasionally sit in the hot tub of our gym. And yesterday we were in the hot tub of the gym and we were joking as we do, and we had the whole hot tub to ourselves, and I was in heaven, and he said something funny, and I started laughing and we're joking, and a young guy comes and sits right across from us and stares at us. And you didn't know this, but I think we either triggered him immensely or changed his life because we were like two people just.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

We've just seen a happy couple enjoy each other in real time.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Yes, but I feel like you know, when you see someone with great calves, you're like, and he's with a hot girl, let's say. You walk away going, shit, I need to get calf implants. He saw you make me laugh, and I swear to God, he was like, Shit, I need jokes. I need jokes. Like, we were we set this guy off.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

Well, I don't think it's some like epiphany that women like laughing. I mean, women liking funny men isn't something this guy probably didn't realize before he got into the hot tub.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

How many people in the hot tub are dying laughing? How many women are like cackling?

SPEAKER_00 23:40

I'm not saying every man can make women laugh. I'm saying it's not news to every man that they would be better off if they could make women laugh.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Well, but I like a world in which we change his life by simply being happy together. I, one of the things also on my list today, before the barber, I have to go get a cortisone injection in my knee. I've been due for a knee replacement. Uh, I have very bad arthritis in my right knee, but instead of getting a knee replacement because I'm still only 42, the doctor wanted to try these injections in my knee, and it's like a miracle drug. It works, but it only works for like three, four months at a time. And so it's the weirdest thing because for three or four months, I'll literally feel like I'm 20 years old again. I have a new knee, I feel no pain. And then there's always like a week, week and a half of warning sign where slowly the pain comes back, and then the next day it's a little bit worse, and eventually it gets to a point where I'm like, oh shit, I have to go get the shot again. And so I'm on like day eight of the pain slightly returning, and because I'm traveling soon, I want to make sure I get this taken care of so I'm not in immense pain on the road and sitting in an uncomfortable airplanes. But um science. Yeah, it it feels very weird to me to like suddenly just have a usable knee, but then every three months need to go re-up my knee.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

That's a good amount of time. Every three months, yeah, it's not bad.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

I I don't mind it.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

I heard from like a wellness-y person that I love, Kimberly Snyder. She's like, you need a tune-up, you need a every few months, you need like acupuncture tune-up, which is so funny because over and over, all it is is needles going into your body. It's just an if you want to be young, you have to have needles in your body.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Well, I mean, it makes sense though. Cars go in every 30,000 miles for like major checkups. You have to go get oil changes, so our bodies probably require the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Botox is every three months, too.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Regardless of how much you do or where you do it.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

Basically, apparently the movement starts to come back. It's like when you're like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

I thought the whole thing with Botox is it's irreversible in terms of like the reason so many of these actors and actresses have frozen faces because they did too much Botox.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

No. I well, first of all, I don't know anything about Botox except for it freezes the muscles in your face so you don't wrinkle, and then after three to four months, the movement comes back, just like you're like, oh my knee. They're like, oh my god, I can move my forehead, and that's like an emergency situation. So you run back to your injector and you're like, there's movement in my forehead, and I need you to fucking fix it.

SPEAKER_00 26:20

For me, I can't bend down to tie my shoe, and I'm like, it's time to see a doctor. For an aging female after she's like, I can show emotion in the mirror, call the doctor.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Yeah, exactly. Nurse, uh, sketchy person, dermatologist. When's the injection?

SPEAKER_00 26:34

At 10 45, which is part of why we need to hurry up and do this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

Oh, I love that. And then you told me that after your injection, you would do a Pilates class with me.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Not same day, but yes. I did I oh god, I forgot I agreed to that and I'm already regretting it.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

But I promised there would be hot girls.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

I am not concerned with or going to stare at hot girls.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

If I made you do it and you actually did it with me, would you want the mat next to me?

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Or do you want to be on like the other side of the I don't want the mat next to you, but not because I don't want you seeing me look at other women. I don't want the mat next to you because I feel like you always check in to see how I'm doing. And it's annoying because if I'm doing well, I'm like, I'm doing well, leave me alone, I got this. And if I'm not doing well, then it's like annoying and embarrassing to have you watching me struggle. So either way, it's a lose-lose, feeling like I'm being watched while trying to do yoga or Pilates against my will.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

Um, it's what if it's the first time this happens in Pilates class where you come and then all of a sudden the person next to you just starts crying and you're like, how does this always happen?

SPEAKER_00 27:42

Every time I go to a group fitness or wellness class of some sort, there's always someone with an idiosyncrasy that I find annoying. By the way, I have a new pet peeve. I know you're shocked, but as we've talked about, I am now a sauna bro, I go sauna every 20 minutes. There is something about the sound of people drinking from their water bottles in a dead silent sauna that is my new nails on a chalkboard. There's something about the ice cubes hitting the metal walls of their water bottles, something about like the gross chugging sound as someone who's really hot and thirsty gets this fresh water. It's a nightmare situation to me. Yeah, I I was very close to say yesterday. There was a guy, it was like a nervous tick almost, where he would take a sip and his water bottle was full of crushed ice. So he would take a sip, he would chew the crushed ice, which makes its own awful sound, screw the metal lid back on, five seconds later, unscrew it, take another sip, and I was literally this close to being like, How much fucking ice is in that water bottle, dude? I was I was like about to snap, and because also I'm hot and irritable, and like as luck would have it, as I was like reaching my absolute wit's end, he left the sauna with his stupid fucking metal ice-filled water bottle.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Okay, that's have we talked about your Misophonia?

SPEAKER_00 29:00

We did. I I think I lead with that.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

I think we talked about it episode one, but that's like that's such a crazy thing to get into an altercation with because I couldn't I would never the thing I could get into an altercation with in the steam steam room or sauna, whatever, is if people are listening to music really loud, that it's coming out of their sure, out of their ears into the whole room, and it's usually the worst music ever, ever, ever, ever coming out.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

I also find that annoying, but in this case, I would have welcomed literally any other noise, like whatever pick the music I hate least, and I would have been praying for that to come out of someone else's headphones as a reprieve from this guy munching on his ice cubes.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Could you in a million years just say, stop munching on your ice?

SPEAKER_00 29:46

No, I don't know. It's it's either you stay silent and stew or you unleash and start a fight. I don't think there's a polite way to tell someone in a sauna that them chewing the ice is bothering you. You either need to just suck it up or be the asshole.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Or fight fire with fire. You do something so irritating to out-irritate him.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

I I can't even imagine what would be more irritating.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

What about me and you laughing loudly to inside jokes and bits?

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Yeah, that guy from the hot tub is on his own solo podcast, being like, So I just I want to go to hot tub. It's my own time. I get in there, there's this couple, just yucking it up, won't stop laughing, and I'm like, hey, go to a comedy club.

SPEAKER_01 30:29

Yeah, take this too. I used to get mad that my dad would do bits and jokes and jokes and bits everywhere. And I was like, no one wants that. You cannot, you cannot force a comedy show onto the register lady.

SPEAKER_00 30:44

By the way, though, speaking of not forcing, they're they're willingly coming, but I'm headlining Wise Guys in Las Vegas on Tuesday. You're opening for me. So we're both doing the show at Wise Guys. We met our lovely new neighbors. We have a new couple, young, cool, fun couple that moved in across the street. We finally had like a natural organic interaction, and we invited them to come to the show and they're coming. What are your thoughts on this? Given that we don't know them well, we have no idea what kind of comedy or what their sense of humor is, but now we are going to be living across the street from these people for the rest of their lives, rest of our lives. What if they come and hate our comedy? Did we just potentially make it very awkward with our neighbors? That's like sleeping with someone that lives in the same apartment building as you.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

I could care less. We need bodies in that room. I nothing could possibly prevent me from promoting to anyone. There's nothing.

SPEAKER_00 31:41

You're willing to sacrifice the well-being of our neighborhood for one night away.

SPEAKER_01 31:46

If it doesn't go well, we can move.

SPEAKER_00 31:49

You put the house up for sale before you would not promote the comedy.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

Or we could just stand at our driveway doing bits with each other and laughing until they move.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

Fair.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

Um, no, they're gonna love it because your hour is sensational. And if they don't like my comedy, they'll like yours. And if they don't like yours, obviously they'll like mine, and everyone loves yours.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

Um, all right. Well, we need to move on because I have limited time, so let's do this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 32:15

Today, right now This is News in Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 32:17

Okay, so today is April 10th.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Okay, this is the big news. There is a new street name and a parade for the Mr. Vegas Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars Parade. All I can think about is I know way back in the day when he was a little kid, I believe in Hawaii he used to do impressions of Elvis. Now he's, you know.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

So what is it? Is it Bruno Mars Boulevard? Bruno Mars Street.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

Maybe Bruno. I like Bruno Mars Boulevard. I need to double check on that.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

That sounds good. So he's literally getting it today.

SPEAKER_01 32:51

A parade through the city of Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

That is news, baby. We love Bruno. Another one of our go-to bits. People that don't know, Bruno Mars apparently, allegedly, is like$25 million in debt to a Vegas casino.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

$130 million.

SPEAKER_00 33:11

Oh, I I didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 33:12

The rumor keeps going.

SPEAKER_00 33:13

Whatever it is, apparently, Bruno, which I can very much relate to, not on the level of millions, has a little bit of a gambling habit. And he's indebted to a casino. He also opened a bar called the Pinky Ring at I believe MGM Grand, where he allegedly performs frequently. And so we joke about how he's like an indentured servant to the mob at MGM Grand. And we always picture this old school like mafioso being like, All right, you little Puerto Rican Pinocchio, get on your piano and sing your songs. Make sure you shine the fucking Grammys and play the hits, alright? And we just imagine like Bruno being let out of his cage to knock off 50 grand off of his debt for the night and go dance on a piano at MGM Graham.

SPEAKER_01 33:55

He's in debt at MGM Graham, he's doing all these shows, and then the Pinking Ring, which is like this exclusive fancy club, actually has his Grammys on display. And he's I feel like he's in a room sitting there and they're like, Oh, you you think you're gonna get away with this debt? Listen, you little punk, you're gonna put those Grammys on display, you're gonna tap dance, you're gonna do the thing.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

All right, you little quarter Jewish Hawaiian pair fucking tinkerbell, get out there and sing your songs.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

But he is the most incredible performer. He is giving you sensational, perfect pitch. I was at Lolacalooza. Yeah, and he was doing an outdoors, and of course he was pandering, and I relate. He panders, he was wearing him and his whole crew were in Chicago Bulls uniforms doing like a pandered performer in a big city move.

SPEAKER_00 34:44

You play, you wear the team's jerseys.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

I guess I don't think Eminem is doing that. Like there are people who are just like more rebellious than the other thing.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

Well, Eminem is so synonymous with Detroit, but anyway.

SPEAKER_01 34:54

So he just gave everyone the performance of their life, and I went back to the sound stage because I was doing I don't know, you were hosting. Yeah, I was hosting stuff, and the sound guy was like, This is this is an album. His live performance outdoors at Lollapalooza sounded like an album recording because he is so phenomenally perfect at what he does.

SPEAKER_00 35:17

Shout out to Bruno, you deserve the street or the boulevard. I like that.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

I think he's following perfectly in Elvis' footsteps. He's in Vegas. No, unfortunately, he is. He's in Vegas. There's like a gambling debt related to why he's not even allowed to leave Vegas. He's getting his own street, very Elvis. Soon we will have Bruno Mars impersonators marrying people to the end of time.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Keep him away from pills, peanut butter sandwiches, and toilets. And I think we'll be okay. But shout out Bruno. All right. Uh jokeyard, what you got?

SPEAKER_01 35:49

Oh, a while ago I had this funny joke. It was probably when the kids were younger, but there was a night where the kid like threw up and we changed his sheets, and then the kid threw up again. The other one was like, I don't know, pissed his bed and whatever. Everyone kind of changed beds. And I was like, having kids always kind of feels like a drunk night in Vegas where you wake up and you're like, What happened last night? And it's like you have to piece together the puzzle, be like, There's blood over here, there's poop stain here, you're sleeping in this bed, even though that's not your bed, you're in this room, and that's not your realm.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

So that's very funny. I don't have any advice on how to make this bit better. I think it's a really good bit. I feel like I've heard this bit in some form or fashion a bunch of different times. Like there's a bunch of comedians who do the toddlers are drunk people, they're waddling around giving orders and they don't make any sense. I've heard some version of like having toddlers is being drunk, having kids is like blah blah. So I feel like you're dangerously close, even though your take is unique and funny. I feel like the having little kids is like a wild night in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 37:06

What about doing a detective? Trying to piece together the night.

SPEAKER_00 37:12

Again, I'm not trying to poo-poo it because it's a really good joke, but I feel like all this, and the most frustrating part of when this happens to comedians is I can't name the definitive bit. I can't tell you for sure another comedian has done this, and it might be that it's actually so good that it just feels like it should have been done. And so I'm not trying to prevent you from what I think is a very good bit, but it also feels very dangerously close to things just in the ether of comedy, I feel like I've heard before.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

And as we're talking, there's a very old joke that I never brought up, which was that I actually did get drunk and I think I threw up, and then I thought I cleaned it up until the next day when it looked like a monkey smearing his poo all over the walls, which is disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

I was on the other side of that real life story, and you threw up in the bathroom and tried to clean it up with paper towel, and so actually you didn't clean it up so much as just reallocate it across the bathroom floor. You just you just distributed it in different places as opposed to actually mopping it up, which was this was the night I proposed to you and you said no. So, yeah, anyway, that's true. You drunkenly proposed to me years before I seriously proposed to you. Um but yeah, I think the bit is good, and I actually really like the examples you gave.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

I'm just a big ugly hack.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

I'm just afraid that it's been done somewhere by someone. Um, all right. Well, my joke is not even that good, but because we're traveling, I remember this old joke that I tried to, I was at the airport one time, and I think I bought a magazine. I think I it actually was The Economist uh for the flight, and The Economist, it was like$6.99 or$7.99 expensive at the airport, and I wrote some joke, the variation of like, eh, I'm reading The Economist to try to make better financial decisions, and I just made the worst financial decision of my life. Like now because I'm trying to learn how to make money, I can't afford to eat or something like that. So I don't know if there's a fun, clever way to say that it's ironic to spend a lot of money on a financial magazine. I don't know if it's worth doing. If it's starting a bigger chunk, what do you think?

SPEAKER_01 39:18

I think now that I'm reading an article about how the Dow Jones took a plunge, oh yeah, this was really better than getting a Chipotle bowl.

SPEAKER_00 39:27

I guess it's also funny that your example is that you would read an article about how the Dow plunged because that nowadays it happens in such real time that by the time that made it to print, the Dow would have plunged and rebounded and plunged and rebounded 16 times over.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

See, now that is why you gotta get the economist, baby. I like that you're reading it, and instead of being like, gosh, this is such a waste of money, you could be like, not only is this a waste of money, the Dow Jones has changed since now.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

Also that's funny. That's a funny angle. So don't even make it about the wasted money, make it about how quickly the financial world has changed 12 times. It's not just a waste of money because it's too expensive, it's a waste of money because every piece of information in there is null and void because of the speed at which news happens. Now, I like that. I like that. That's good. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

But what you do is you make a lot of friends in the business lounge when you're like fingering through an economist to be like, hey, hey, Craig, did you see the download?

SPEAKER_00 40:28

Now you did a classic Steinberg. I shook your hand, I thanked you for helping me with a bit, and then you went too far. I talk to you all the time about how frequently you have killer jokes that have a perfect closing that gets a big laugh, and then you tag it with something worse and less funny that kills your momentum. Or you will accidentally run the light by a minute because you get the huge laugh on the closer and you get greedy and you tell one more joke that doesn't hit as hard. Leave well enough alone.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

This bitch is greedy.

SPEAKER_00 40:57

Get out on top. I shook your hand.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

This is good advice for kids out there who want to be comedians. Don't be greedy.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

I need to go get my knee injected. I need to go get my beard lined up because I have shows coming up. Uh, by the time this comes out, I'll already be done with this. Comes out on a Wednesday. My next big shows are Monday and Tuesday in DC and Las Vegas. So I will just continue to plug. I am taping my special in Denver, Colorado, at the Elaine Wolf Theater on April 23rd, 2026. Only doing one show, 7:30 p.m. Really want to pack it out. So if you're listening and you live in Denver, get a ticket. If you don't live in Denver, but you want to support me in some way, send that information to a friend, a cousin, a family member. Flying. Someone in Denver. Yeah, why not? There are people flying into Denver. Come support me. Fly to Denver and come see me tape my special. April 23rd.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

I guess just go to Noah's special taping. I have a lot of shows, but by the time this comes out, the millions of theaters that I am actually doing will already have been passed. So, um, Gainesville, get your little tukas to my show at the signal.

SPEAKER_00 42:04

All right, I seriously have to go. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

What about doing like another joke where you kind of also have