Battle of the Sexes and Taping a Special

In this episode Noah discusses his special taping in Denver while Ester returns from Oklahoma for a Jewish gig. They get into the news about Megan thee Stallion and Klay Thompson and discuss their very different views on the topic while trying to remain civil. Joke yard is NSFW and some of the Vegas news is of course bizarre and drug related. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to episode eight. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Let's do it. Is that what we're on? Episode eight.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

So this is the calmest, most serene version of the two of us together. I don't know what the I think I know what the difference is.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

What's the difference?

SPEAKER_01 0:13

I think that you were like really tense and uptight trying to schedule and do all the things you need to do for your special and kind of there was definitely a tension in the air to get ready for this big night.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Sure. And now I'm feeling relieved. There's a weight has been lifted off of me. We are less than a week removed from getting my special out of the way. And uh it went as well as I could have possibly hoped. It was a wonderful night. You flew in to be there. Thankfully, your mom babysat the kids so you could actually come to Denver with me. And uh yeah, it feels incredible to be done with the special. Thank you to everyone in Denver who came out and made the night special. Thank you to Anthony DeVito, very funny comedian out of New York who flew out to open the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Good hang.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Great hang afterwards. Uh yeah. So I'm I mean, I have so much to say about the special. I have so many thoughts about what happened last week. I honestly don't even know where to begin.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

So where we got to stay instead of a hotel or something like that, we stayed at your dad's house.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Hotel Garden Swords. And it was funny because both your dad and your sister were very nervous.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

They throughout the like month and a half leading up to shooting the special, they would text me two to three times a week, either giving me an update on ticket sales that they independently got from the venue themselves, or asking me if I knew what the current ticket sales were.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Like it mattered.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

But well, it did matter. It all came from a place of love. My dad and my sister wanted my special taping to be a success so badly that they put it upon themselves to promote and bring their various social circles out, which was great. I do have to admit that on the day of announcing I was shooting a special in Denver, I sent my family an email with the link to tickets, and my stepmother instantly wrote back and was like, I reached out to this organization to see if we could reserve 30 tickets, which was lovely. As a comedian, and as we've talked about work in the road, any ticket sales are welcome. However, the initial returns on ticket sales for my special were all by like 70, 75-year-old, 65-year-old Jews, which again, welcome. There were plenty of them there in the audience, and they were a great audience. But when I announced shooting a special, specifically talking about sports, betting, gambling, finance, I wasn't envisioning performing for a mostly senior citizen crowd.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Well, they're just the first to tickets exactly.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

So 70-year-olds will buy tickets three months ahead of time, whereas Gen Z, Gen X, Millennial.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

I'm not sure there was Gen Z in the crowd.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

But you don't think there's no there was no there was a handful, there were a couple college kids. My manager Moreau sent a few kids.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

There were a couple Elijah. Yeah, Elijah.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Shout out Elijah Kidding. We had a handful of Gen Z, but say all that to say it ended up being a perfect mix. And when I was trying to prepare DeVito, the opener for what kind of crowd he was gonna get, I was like, I think it's gonna be a lot of black people I went to high school with and old Jews. And he was like, perfect. What a great audience! That's an amazing mix.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Okay, let me pull out my black people old Jews set right here.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Which you'd be surprised how much overlap there is and what they laugh at. Uh and before we continue, I just want to give a shout out to DeVito for one thing because a lot of times we talk insight on comedy. People don't realize how hard it is to be an opener or a host of a show. You're a fantastic host as well. You regularly host shows that you put on.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

I did not want to host this show.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

And I did not want you to host this show. I did not want you to open this because you, like me, would be performing for a crowd that knew you, and also a lot of your jokes would have to do with me. So I don't want you talking about me for 15 minutes before I go out. But the point is, everyone thinks being the headliner or the main attraction is hard, and it is. There's pressure that comes with it, and it's years of hard work getting to this space of being a headliner. And DeVito is a headliner in his own right, by the way. He was doing me a favor by opening the show. But there is a specific art to A going out cold, telling the right kind of jokes that make people actually listen, cracked them open with laughter, and what he did so well is he did a perfect mix of smart funny jokes and dirty funny jokes to kind of see where the line was for me. And he told just enough dirty jokes to kind of loosen up the room and let people know it was okay to laugh, but not so dirty that it's not something I wanted to follow or kind of set the wrong tone for the night. So I'm just incredibly thankful to DeVito for being a perfect opener for the night, and I'm incredibly thankful to you for being the audience coordinator. Why don't you tell the people what you did, which I wasn't even aware of was happening?

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Well, first of all, I was I don't understand why I was invited at all.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

I did have I did have to kick you out of my green room.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

I figured you would be kicking me out of everything because I like to chat and talk and eat, and I'm the most relaxed person ever because I wasn't doing a special. So here I am, like choming it up, talking about Ochi's lounge and New York City comedy with your opener. And I'm like, why was I brought here? But then my job came into play where I steamed the clothes like it was a wedding.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Wonderful job.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

Um, we wanted the hoodies to be wrinkle-free hoodies.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

I wore a crew neck.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

You you steamed a backup hoodie. I brought two outfits in case, God forbid, before the special taping I spilled or something on the code.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

I don't even know. Anyways, the I was in the audience and I was on high alert about the audience. And immediately as people were walking in, I try to say hi to everyone. Of course, I get like trapped in a 30-minute conversation about tuberculosis standard. Standard. And then I see this like young, beautiful woman who's actually your age, but very vibrant, and she's with her beautiful friends and she's talking to me about you, and she's an old pal.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

I was like, My friend Aaron Rosedale's wife, Emily, who is all those things beautiful and vibrant and looks younger than we probably are.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Yeah, and I was just like, you, you, you. I go sit in the front. We need beautiful women in the front. And I just forced her in the front row, and there's something about I hate to say, like, beautiful women, vibrant women, young, sexy people in the front row makes a better special.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

For sure. Beautiful people in the front row, younger people ready to laugh, vibrant people with good energy sets a good vibe. Um, but it was it's just like I had no idea what I was going to be walking out to. I knew what the room was going to be made up of from like just a demographic standpoint, but I didn't know who was going to be where other than I reserved you didn't want your dad. I did reserve seats for my dad specifically, stage left up several rows because he asked to be front and center, and I was like, absolutely not. I am not performing my special looking dead center at my family the entire time. So I put him out of my direct eye line. But other than that, I had no clue if it was going to be 75-year-old Jews sitting front row, and you did a fantastic job making sure that there was a young, energetic, good, laughing section up top because they really do set the vibe for the rest of the room.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Yeah, and I didn't want any empty seats. So I told myself if there's like a single empty seat, I'll yell at people, it'll be like, scoot down. But I didn't have to do that because it was packed, and there was like an overflow into the balcony, which was fantastic. Yep. And I was like, if anyone says anything, like I was just on high alert, and I felt like that was my job was to like, I didn't really do much. There was a heckle. Oh my god. That there was like 400 people there, and the heckle happened one seat over than me.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

And it also happened 10 seconds into my recording where it's like, you want your first joke to land. It is so important to start a set off correctly, especially for a special. And DeVito made sure in his set to announce people like this is a special taping, don't call out, be the best version of yourselves, laugh.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Yeah, like oh, you can do that with me, but when Noah comes, don't do that.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Someone was calling out to him, and he was basically like, Yeah, you can interrupt me, but like when Noah gets out, shut the fuck up, he's shooting a special. First line of the taping. I say it's great to be back in Denver, a city I have so much love for. As you all know, now I live in Vegas, and some fucking guy just goes, I'm sorry, completely cutting off the punchline I wanted to get to. I obviously had more to say, and this fucking numbuts in my special, 30 seconds in, yells out and interrupts my flow. And if it had been anything other than my special, I would have addressed it. I might have laid into him or made a joke about it, but I was like, you know what?

SPEAKER_01 8:56

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

I know the entire room heard that, but I am going to play it off as if I heard nothing, and I just kept going with my joke, and then from there on, it was 10 out of 10, smooth sailing. The audience was amazing, they were respectful, they laughed every time they were supposed to laugh. All the jokes hit.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

I'm sorry. Oh my god. So loud, too.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

And he was right next to you. And you told me that the woman he was sitting with instantly he was like your dad's employee or something.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

She like smacked him and was like, nah. And it was like he got like karate chocolate.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

You said there's you said there's no chance he got laid that night, right? No, no. He probably got screamed at on the way home.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Yeah, he's on probation for the next month.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

But no, it it went great. Um, and I would say from a comedy standpoint, this was the highest degree of difficulty set I've ever had in that the subject matter was a little bit more elevated and heavier, and there was a lot of jokes. I don't want to make it sound like it wasn't funny because every joke I felt very good about, but there was a lot of information and explanation in certain parts of the jokes because I was talking about the stock market and finance. There were some jokes where, aside from remembering the order of the jokes I want to tell, just remembering the word-for-word explanation I need to give within the joke was heavy. And so, like all week I was worried about again, not only remembering the order of the jokes, but then also remembering the wording within each joke, and I did everything exactly as I wanted. I felt so good, and then that night at 2 a.m. when we were so drunk, which we'll get to in a moment, I woke up in like a drunken, half hungover stupor. It was like, ah, I forgot the last two lines before my closing bit where it wasn't a joke. There were two lines that I wanted to say that were serious lines to kind of there was a serious aspect, one man show aspect that tie things together, which is Yeah, there was like an there was like an overarching philosophy that I was trying to leave the audience with, and I hinted at it earlier, so I don't think that philosophy is lost on the fact, but there were two lines that all week were the things I wasn't worried about because I was so worried about the jokes themselves that I just kind of took for granted that I would say the last thing I wanted to say before I got off, and I forgot those lines. I think I was so happy in the moment that all the jokes were done perfectly that I was ready to just say my goodbye. And so I said my ultimate last line that was the most important, but the two lines leading up to that I completely whiffed on. And we also only shot one show. A lot of specials.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

It's interesting to bring up that you shot one single show.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:30

And would you have had the energy to do absolutely not?

SPEAKER_00 11:33

A lot of people, so spoiler alert, when you see most comedy specials, it is the greatest hits of four or five specials that they shot. You have done a special where you only got one take at it. It's really difficult. Most people tape at least two, if not three, four, or five, versions of their special so they can cherry pick the best version of each joke, or in case you flub a joke or miss something, you can get it back on a later shop. I knew going back to Denver in this theater, I was gonna have one opportunity to fill it with my people, have a good time, and so I was like, I'm just gonna roll the dice and do one show. And I am so glad, even though I forgot the last two lines that I wanted to say, which ultimately weren't that important. And you you said to me that actually it may have been laying it on too thick, and it's actually probably better that I didn't. So maybe subconsciously it was a gift from the universe that I didn't say those. Um but as soon as I got off stage, I think you said to me, like, can you imagine having to do that again in an hour? And I was like, Absolutely, I am so glad that I just did one and done. It took when you have it took everything out of me.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Yeah, when you have one, the people who want to be there are at the one. Correct. And when you have one, it's not, oh, should we go to this one or that? It's like, no, we're all going to the same show, so it's super packed. And then the energy and the performance, it's like you're not giving yourself, well, we'll see, we'll see. It's like actually everything's on the line, and you've got one shot, one opportunity.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

What's the MM say?

SPEAKER_00 13:01

I knew I I knew you were about to go with the one shot. Now you didn't know it's lose yourself.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

As soon as this show was over, I of course like walked into the lobby to soak up all the compliments, and there were two compliments separate but the same. Same compliment from separate people.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

I don't want to bring up this how amazing you were. Thank you. I think whatever you're about to bring up is a little too heavy.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Um it's true.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Fine, but I don't that that comment is not for the listening public. Okay. Um, but yeah, so there were two things that were fun. One, as soon as we were done, the production company that I used to film it, dude IDK, Nick Holmby, fantastic production team. One of the things till you add it. Yeah. I think they were fantastic. No, you could just like have a bunch of cameras. I love the way they handled it the night of, but they also brought a private chef for the crew who prepared a meal. And I told them I wanted Mexican food, and I was like, again, because I was trying to look as slim as possible leading up to the shoot. I hadn't had a lot of carbs, certainly not burritos, and so I was so prepared as soon as the special was done. I was like, just make a salad for before the special, and as soon as I get off stage, I'll go eat. When I tell you, I mouthfucked these carne asada tacos and a banana pudding dessert. It felt so great to have like a delicious, greasy, kind of heavy meal that I've been waiting on.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

That was amazing because then you're not ordering anything, it's just the buffet style of I don't know. It was a nice touch. Good job.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

And then afterwards, I had a handful of friends who we all went out to a bar and I got so fucked up against the plan.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

I don't understand what exactly happened, but everyone was ordering it was like shots, and they brought like everyone had their mixed drinks.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

I wanted to say thank you to all of them for coming for sticking around. So there was a crew of 13 of us, and I went and ordered 13 shots. Also, this was in the middle of the Nuggets game where the nuggets were down by 20, and we were at a sports bar.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Average height of the men there.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

What of my crew? Yeah. I mean, my crew is big. I'm I'm 6'4, 240, and I'm about even keel for my crew.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Like you're the tiny guy.

SPEAKER_00 15:09

Me and all my guys are in the 6'2 to 6'8 range. But the it was you and DeVito, and then everyone else was a giant. Um, but I don't know if it's because they knew we were clearly celebrating something because I asked for 13 shots, or because the rest of the bar was depressed because the nuggets were getting their ass kicked. But either way, I ordered 13 shots of tequila and they brought 13 cups of tequila. I mean, these were like triple shots. So everyone, for the most part, took their triple, but a lot of people left over a little bit, like you left more than half of yours, and so people kept on giving me the second half run. I think I probably had the equivalent of seven or eight shots of tequila. And I and I'm not a drinker, so that mixed with the Denver altitude and not a lot of food in my stomach, and I was fine. Like, we got home.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

I had two onion rings, so that was pretty disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

You woke up puffy the next day.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

But we we got home and it was fine. Like, I was like, okay, I'm a little, we left the bar and I was like, I'm a little drunk. And then I laid down in bed, and all of a sudden the spins came. And as I said, at 2 3 in the morning, because I had the spins, I was still on the rush of the special and also just like a little drunk. I couldn't fall asleep. So I was awake long enough for the hangover to actively start happening. So at 2 3 in the morning, I was like, oh, tomorrow's gonna be brutal. Let me chug four glasses of water right now. So I like had a headache, I'm drunk as fuck.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

I go down to my dad's fridge, I grab a bunch of water, and add boomer water bottles, just plastic water bottles for the to it's like a bunker, like they're they're waiting for the tornado.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

We officially murdered four dolphins and six turtles just by staying at my dad's house for two nights. And it was mid like fourth water bottle as the room is spinning, where I'm like, fuck, I forgot the two lines, and that kept me up for another hour. But then ultimately, all's well that ends well.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Um it's a good, it was a good night and it was a relief it was over and it couldn't have gone better. It was so wonderful, and everyone was glowing. So yeah, yeah, yeah. When you when you put I feel like when you kind of invest your own kind of money and time and energy, and you were in charge, you're at the top of the food chain. You told people where to go, what to do, what venue, the lights, and that is very inspiring to me because there's a many ways to make a special. There's a way for the artist to be working for someone, and there's a way for everyone to be working for the artist. And you made sure that everyone was working for you, including me.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

I appreciate that. To be clear, it's not like I had an option, it's not like I had an entity, a streamer, offering to shoot my special, and then I was working for them. I am self-funding this project in hopes of selling it to a streamer or a third party that will put it out later on. But it's not like it's not like HBO or Netflix came to me and said, Hey, Noah, we want you to shoot a special. And I was like, No, you know what? I want to do it my own way. I mean, I appreciate you being inspired, but it was inspiration through lack of options.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Okay, but also your whole special's theme is about taking risks. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but hey, it's a risk, and it's always amazing to live life in a risky way. And here you are taking the biggest risk, flying to Denver, investing your money, inviting your dad.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

That was the biggest risk.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

For some reason, your wife is there too, and everyone and and and drinking.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

You know what, you know what I loved about you being there? You were an emotional support throughout the weekend, which was great. But I also like how we're so in tune with each other's needs that as you were yapping away in my green room 30 minutes beforehand, I was like, I didn't even have to like preface it with apologies. I was like, you gotta go. And and you didn't even fight it. You just instantly like, yeah, that sounds about right. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go talk to DeVito, I'm gonna go offer him a fruit plate. Like, you could see that I was getting into the mode. Oh, so we kicked out. You could you couldn't believe that you actually lasted that long in my green room before the show.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

And I do that sometimes where I'm like, bah and I'm like, no one's shutting me up. Okay, like how, okay. It's like I'm I got lit, but like I keep going and then they didn't play the music and throw me off the stage. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

It will never make sense to me how you can talk up until the minute you have to get on stage. Because, like, again, everyone has their own green room ritual. So when it is your show and you are the headliner, by all means, you get to yap away. When I'm the headliner, I like silence. I like to concentrate, I like to calm down, I like to bring my blood pressure down. So I just like a silent green room before I go on.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

I like to crack jokes.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

You will literally, as they're calling, like when you headline as they're saying, like, please welcome Esther Steinberg, you still have to like turn back to finish whatever thought or joke you are telling in the green room.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

No, you have to try this meditation, and I'm gonna send you this link, okay? And then, and then call me afterwards because I want to see, hi everybody.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Like, that is the best because it will never make sense to me how you agree.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Be like, I'm present, I'm myself, I'm in the moment. Oh my god, that lip shade is gorgeous. Send it to me. Hi, uh, everyone. That feels like a seamless transition between who I am off stage and who I am on stage, instead of like some kind of silent, worrying and stressing.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Um, but you know what was funny though, in not a ha ha funny, but in like a fuck you funny kind of way. As you know, I've been semi-dieting for this special. I started testosterone injections three months ago. And when I initially started the testosterone, the doctor told me it was gonna lead to weight loss, but he didn't tell me there was like an eight to 12 week adjustment where it actually leads to weight gain because you are retaining water and your body is adjusting to the hormones. And so when I started, I was like, Oh, I'm gonna be so fucking skinny and jacked for my special, and then for two months I was worried it was the opposite because I was like, what the fuck is happening? Every time I stepped on the scalar, looked in the mirror, I felt swollen, puffy, and fat. And then it leveled out. Where like a week before the special, I was like, Okay, I am happy with how I look, I'm gonna look good for the special, but the weight loss wasn't happening, just the water retention seemed to be going away. I shit you not. I plateaued where I was the same weight for like two weeks, even though I was eating better and uh cutting everything. Yeah, everything was fine. I'm eating Mexican food, the special's done. I'm eating bagels at my dad's house.

SPEAKER_01 21:35

Getting drunk on tequila.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

I'm drinking tequila, I'm eating all the sugar and carbs I avoided. Three days after my special, I get home, have lost five pounds. And I think legitimately 24 hours after I shot the special, the weight loss that was supposed to take place like four weeks ago started happening from the testosterone. So I've lost like five pounds since I stopped shooting the special for nothing other than the testosterone finally timed out to do what it was supposed to do.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

Nothing's Says good special, like a fit jacked body. I don't know. I I I think that first of all, you looked amazing. You did lose weight, but you also have a joke about all these things.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

So I did have a joke about a doctor telling me I had a big fat belly that would not work unless I had at least a quasi-fat belly.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

Um I do love all the jokes you had about your wife. There was Oh, do you?

SPEAKER_00 22:22

Do you like the jokes I had about my wife?

SPEAKER_01 22:24

I really do because some people might be like, I didn't like those jokes that you told about me. I know that like if you're a singer, like if Justin Bieber is singing a song and is like pointing to Hayley Bieber, it's very sexy and beautiful. But for men ripping on their wives or making jokes.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

But my jokes weren't ripping on you. You were never the butt of the joke. Yeah, I was telling jokes about you, but you were never the joke. It wasn't like uh my fucking dumb wife, take my wife, this crazy stupid bitch. It was all coming from a place of love and appreciation.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

It was like it was hot that you're on stage looking incredibly good, telling your jokes, destroying, and then there was like a sprinkle of stuff about your wife throughout, and I was just sitting there amongst the crowd going, ah, that's me. And I just like got to fall in love with you all over again.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Well, thank you. That's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

And I was like, I I that's my that's me. Everyone. And then after the guy who heckled you did look at me and he goes, How did he remember all that stuff? How many times did he rehearse?

SPEAKER_00 23:29

It's a lot easier to remember when you're not being fucking interrupted. I'll tell you that much, pal.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Um, all right. Well, enough about my special because I I hope this was interesting and informative, but not really that funny. But whatever. It's it's what happened last week. Um, and then so my special taped on Thursday. We fly home Friday.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

We get home on Friday at 9:30?

SPEAKER_00 23:49

Friday night, just enough time for you to unpack your bag and then pack your bag to catch a 6 a.m. flight to Oklahoma City by the Jewel of America.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

But this time I really was treated like a celebrity. I don't know why, but the the thing I was doing was for Hadassah, Jewish women organization that's doing incredible philanthropy.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

And let me and let me just say this: when you do Jewish shows, the the Jewish shows typically pay pretty well, but you are 100% being paid for all the communication that you have to go through before the show. You're not being paid to headline the actual show. You're not being paid to travel. You are being paid for the 62 emails that you will answer a week before the show where they're checking in on all the logistics that they are nervous about.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

And it's friendly emails. Sometimes it's like, what are you allergic to? I'm thinking of making reservation here. Would you did you want your hotel room near the elevator? And it's and it's all the show's at 8 p.m.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

So we're thinking you could come for a sound check at 3 p.m. and then come back for another sound check at 5 30 just to make sure that the first sound check was correct.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

And then the next email is just like, Can you send an invoice? And the next email is like, we want to reimburse you, but would you mind? And it's it's whatever. So lots and lots and lots of communication. I get to Oklahoma, um, I meet with Lori, who's kind of my handler. I got a handler all weekend. Love it. And she was just such a doll. We had a lot in common, and they gave me this huge gift basket, which was so sweet. And it had all this like Oklahoma chocolate, an Oklahoma mug, and an Oklahoma. It was so sweet. And they gave me a hat and a t-shirt that was had a little lightning bolt. It was bright blue, Oklahoma with a lightning bolt. I put it on, and Noah got so mad. He's like, We're not bringing that into the house.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

No, you put it, you posted a picture on Instagram of you wearing the hat, and I DM'd you. I was like, take that off right away. It was an Oklahoma City Thunder hat who are the Denver Nuggets rival, the team that won the championship and knocked us out of the playoffs last year. My least favorite team in the NBA. I hate the Oklahoma City with a Thunder. You had no clue you were wearing an Oklahoma City Thunder shirt and hat. I saw red. As soon as I saw you put on, I was like, absolutely not, leave that shit in Oklahoma. You're not bringing it home. I was trying to think of what is like the equivalent of something you unquestionably hate that I have no clue is even a problem. Like, like if I wore a Tristan Thompson jersey. Oh, yeah. Because of what he yes, yes, yes, yes. Like if I was just like, what, they gave me a basketball jersey and I put on a Tristan Thompson jersey, but because of what he's done to Chloe Kardashian, you would instantly be furious, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Megan the Stallion guy.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

Okay, let's talk about it. Klay Thompson allegedly, allegedly cheated on Megan the Stallion. There are some people saying she cheated first, but it was funny because it's all over my news feed because of Klay Thompson as an athlete. I wasn't my news. I wasn't surprised you knew about it, but yesterday you're like, we hate him. And I was like, who's we? And you're like, the girls. Every woman is ready. We're gonna beat him up. Every woman is ready to kill him. And you guys, all the women are so angry on behalf of Megan Listallion.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

She's just she's an amazing woman, and she's strong, and she's in her power, and she's beautiful and bodacious and voluptuous, and she's now doing like Moulin Rouge and she's confident. And then you have these queens, and they a lot of time get cheated on because a man cannot handle a queen. Well, he wants to handle her, he wants to control her, and she posted about how she put up with his mood swings.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

Because she won't have any mood swings.

SPEAKER_00 27:23

Here's the thing, though, that this is what I think is getting lost in the discourse. Because I can understand women being mad that Megan got cheated on. I'm not here to justify Klay cheating if he did, in fact, cheat. We still don't know. We still don't know. But here's here's the thing women who don't know about Clay Thompson are acting like Clay is some bum, like he was lucky to be with Megan Stallion. And men are like, you don't understand. That is four-time champion, arguably the second best shooter of all time in NBA history, Clay Thompson, one of the Splash Brothers. It was him and Steph Curry absolutely terrorizing the league throughout the early 2000s. So put some respect on Klay's name. So people are like, he can't be with a queen, he can't see her shine. It's like, do you understand how successful, famous, and good it is? He is a better basketball player than Megan Lee Stallion is rapper. He is a more famous basketball player than Megan Lee Stallion is rapper.

SPEAKER_01 28:12

So this idea was pretty incredible, possibly best selling.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

So it's funny that you say WAP because one of the memes I identified with, not on a personal level, but I just thought was funny, is there was a Cardi B was with Stephon Diggs, who was a wide receiver who also allegedly cheated on her. And there was a meme of Cardi B and Megan the Stallion from the WAP video, and it said WAP is 0-2 against professional athletes.

SPEAKER_01 28:37

And I thought it was kind of funny, not that these women are getting cheated on, but just that like they hold themselves up as these bad bitches who are so much better than any dude they could be with, but then you meet a professional athlete who has pick of the litter and like access to I'm just saying that like top-tier men, top, top, top, top, top tier men are yeah, they're rich, they're motivated, they're strong, they're muscular, they're funny, they are successful. They also, let me tell you, a top-tier man is fucking loyal, is loyal and is good to his mama, is good to his friends, and is good to his woman. 100%. I'm gonna go on and say maybe he's a top-tier athlete, but if you're a cheater, you're not a top-tier man.

SPEAKER_00 29:22

Stephon Diggs is by no means a top-tier man. Clay, from what I know, seems to be a good dude, separate from whatever issues he may or may not have in his relationship. Clay, by all accounts, seems to be a good dude. He like off the court, he seems like a good guy, honestly. Before Megan thee Stallion, if you just watched or read up on Clay, you'd be like, oh, he seems cool. I'm not here to say they're top-tier men and therefore should be able to cheat on whoever they want. I guess what I'm saying is I don't think yeah, he's not a bum. And I don't know that Megan or Cardi are top tier the way that like they're I just feel like they hold themselves as infallible and they're not.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Hold on, hold on. Just hear me out. Sometimes the infallible women, the powerful women, a guy wants them, but it's kind of like a beautiful bird or beautiful butterfly. They want to capture them and control them and put them in. Not that they need to control or capture, but let's just say in theory, you have this beautiful, strong, powerful woman who's saying what she wants, wearing what she wants, and we're all cheering her on. A man wants to change that, or he's threatened by that, and it all happened while she was on Broadway. And it's like you so what you want is just a fan, a groupie, a girl who follows you around.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

Well, I don't think that's the case because they have access to fans, and like if that's what they wanted, then they could so easily have that. So we don't know what happens behind closed doors. We don't first of all, there are legitimately rumors right now that Megan cheated on Clay first. So it's very easy, just because Megan went to Instagram first, just because she posted in her stories about it, that doesn't mean that she is instantly correct and right and that she did nothing wrong or that she didn't do something first to Clay.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

I guess as a woman, I don't I don't sometimes I'm like, oh well she did she cheated, she didn't, because to me, a man has a penis, he's after just random, strange, and a woman does crave that like monogamous loyalty. It's for the most part, women do want the loyalty.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

Let me also say this something that you and potentially a lot of women or viewers in general might not like.

SPEAKER_01 31:34

And again, I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't like that.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

I am not I am not here to defend or excuse cheating. I agree with you, loyalty and honesty is paramount to anything from both parties in a relationship. From what I know, Cardi has had a bunch of tumultuous relationships that have ended horribly. Megan has had a bunch of tumultuous relationships that have ended horribly. If you are always complaining about how you had a horrible roommate and a crazy roommate, turns out you're the crazy, horrible roommate. So I'm not saying it's their fault for being cheated on, but if these women are constantly getting caught up with horrible, tumultuous cheating men, then at the very least, their picker is broken.

SPEAKER_01 32:18

Oh, absolutely. In fact, if Gardy was my best friend, if Khloe Kardashian was my best friend, if Megan the Stalin was my very best friend, I'd look at her and I'd be like, I'm begging you, do not date an incredibly rich famous rapper or an incredibly rich famous athlete. Those are just two things. Not even if I had rappers and athletes after me and I was single, I would say, I'm gonna pass because I don't want to spend my entire life sad.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

You did have a rapper athlete after you. You married him, he just wasn't successful as a rapper or an athlete.

SPEAKER_01 32:50

But I will give you a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

You had a failed rapper athlete who was successful at comedy.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Sometimes people will say, Oh, they'll talk about you as a comedian, and then I'll say something. They're like, You do comedy too. And I'm like, Yes. And that makes you seem like a good guy, you know who cares what other people think? You are a good guy. But there is something about you being with an equal, a person who does what you do that's amazing. And when I did, I did Oklahoma and they did a QA and they were like asking about the husband, they're like, What's it like with you guys together? And I basically don't even talk about you. I go, Who am I gonna be with? An orthodontist who's like, Where's my dinner? Why are you leaving at night? And I go, instead, I'm with a comedian who's like, Did you work on that joke? Are you getting ready for that thing? Did you get the tape? And I'm like, Yeah, I want to be understood.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:38

So Megan needs to be with a makeup artist. No, she needs to be with an accountant.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

There is something to couples who both of them work unique or different jobs. I think a lot of times only works out if you're both working the same unique or like a rapper and an athlete might not work, even though they're both incredibly rich, high profile, and successful because they operate in different circles and might not respect everything that goes into the other's lifestyle or craft. Whereas I understand there was infidelity there as well, but like Jay-Z and Beyonce work, they're both in the music industry. A lot of times you see professional athletes marry other professional athletes, and it works because they both have that competitive, hardworking nature. And so, comedians being together, I think comedians would probably be incredibly difficult to be partners with unless you are also a comedian because you understand everything that goes into A, the lifestyle, and B, the mentality.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

Very nice.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

So perhaps I was gonna say perhaps Megan needs to be with a musician, but she was with Tori Lane, who's now in jail for shooting her. Where again, not her fault. Megan is the victim in a lot of these, but at the same time, she's getting in situations that reflect at the very least poor decision making.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

Jewish accountant.

SPEAKER_00 34:53

And if Megan the Stallion was with a Jewish accountant, you would get on your soapbox about non-Jewish women being with Jewish men.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

No, no, she would convert. No, I don't care. I wish her the best. I think she's a bad bitch, and I'm sure it's hard to make a relationship is he did something I don't love, but fine, and I did something he doesn't love. I'm not talking about cheating. You make many, many compromises to make each other happy.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

And I just want to be clear superstars don't like compromises. Yeah, that's true. To get to the level of fame that all these people have reached, you have to have a level of selfishness that borders on sociopathy. Yeah. So Megan, Cardi, Stephon Diggs, Clay Thompson, Tory Lanez, Tristan Thompson, Chloe Kardashian, all these people that are mega moguls in their different respective fields are all actually psychotic. You cannot be that successful and famous without being selfish to a psychotic degree.

SPEAKER_01 35:48

Not Kanye.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

So anyway, I I just want to put a bow on it. I want to be clear to Don't forget the last line. To the listening audience.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

Tie it together, Noah. You got this.

SPEAKER_00 35:59

To the listening audience, and more specifically to the female listening audience. I am by no means saying that what happened to Cardi or Megan is right or is their fault. I am also a fan of Megan as an artist. I'm a fan of Cardi as an artist, and both of them seem like lovely women. All I'm saying is women on the internet saw one post from Megan and without having any information about their actual relationship or any respect for what Clay has done in his life as a professional athlete, just started jumping down his throat as if he was some bum that just cheated on the queen. And all I'm saying is that is not the case. That's all. That's all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

If he did cheat, and if she is heartbroken, it doesn't matter what he did. It's just sad because we all saw.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

But he was a splash brother. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

And she was a wop.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

And so splash and wop apparently did there was too much moisture in that relationship. It did not work. When splash and wop meet, it did not work out.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

What if there was this guy who's just so obsessed with her, who's, I don't know, a personal trainer, jujitsu guy who just absolutely in love with her, and he's at the hotel. So every night she gets to see him, and all he does is think about her, and he's loyal. And he is with a personal fitness lady who's obsessed with her.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

You know that a successful woman is not going to want a man just hanging around who's obsessed with her. Giselle. It would be cute for a minute, but ultimately they would look at him like such a fucking loser. Giselle left the goat to be with the jujitsu and because she was feeling incredibly neglected by the goat. Tom Brady was always gone, being the greatest quarterback of all time. So she fell into the arms of her of her jujitsu instructor. But even then, it seems like he is doing his own thing. He's not just lounging around the hotel waiting for Giselle's photo chip.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

Yes, but the problem why exists.

SPEAKER_00 37:48

I don't think men or women want their their significant other just hanging around adoring them all the time. Everyone is going to get annoyed by that.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Speak for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 37:57

But you wouldn't be with me if that's what you wanted. I don't just sit doting on you like I do my own shit. And you like that about you would not want a partner who had nothing going on for themselves and was just there to be your cheerleader. You want a partner who has plenty going on for themselves while also supporting and cheering for you. That's what we do.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

Yes, of course. But I'm just saying, like, here's Giselle and she's with the goat. Fine, whatever. Fine. It seems like a good match, but really what you have is the most bad bitch, beautiful, rich, successful woman not being loved on, not being touched, not being complimented, and no one to eat dinner with her every night. So that's fucked up. And sure, he's off doing important shit. But now it's a baddest bitch sitting there alone. That's sad. It's sad that superstars seem to be good fits, but they're really not. They should all be with maids. Someone, a waitress, a bartender.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

I think at the end of the day, it goes back to what I was saying about anyone, man or woman, reaching that level of fame requires a level of ego and sociopathy that might not make you a compatible partner for anyone. There is a price to pay for being at the top, and sometimes the price you pay is your personal relationships. And I think that's what we're seeing.

SPEAKER_01 39:16

But Giselle shouldn't have to eat dinner alone every night.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

You Giselle cheated on Tom. Okay, so while we're talking about cheating, Giselle cheated. So it's so funny that you completely hate it when Clay does it, but when Giselle cheated on Tom, you excuse it because Tom wasn't around.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Well, she just left. She cheated to be in a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

She cheated to leave, yes. So again, I I'm not here to judge. I have no idea what happens behind closed doors. I don't know what Tom and Giselle's relationship is like. I don't know what Megan and Clay's relationship is like. As much as we would love to speculate it from Instagram clips and tabloids, we actually have no idea what happens behind closed doors. But I do find it interesting that when Clay cheats on Megan, you are all up in arms, but when Giselle cheats on Tom, it was still his fault. Either way, you're angry at the man.

SPEAKER_01 40:04

He neglected her.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Oh, fuck you.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

No, I just I'm praying for all of them to find love.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

Amen. There we go. Maybe Tom and Megan.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

Yeah, maybe. Maybe. But uh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

Alright. Is it now let's do this week in Vegas?

SPEAKER_01 40:20

Oh yeah. So I saw some funny I mean, I don't know how funny it is. A large structure fire in North Las Vegas, which neighbors are telling us was a suspected meth lab. The blaze had been extinguished, but crews are continuing to investigate.

SPEAKER_00 40:35

Wait, so the news story is that there was a huge building set on fire and people think it was a meth lab. Yeah. But they can't tell yet.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

I don't know. But I just think it's funny that there's like a big fire in Las Vegas and it's a meth lab.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

Well, I feel like that's not a Vegas thing.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

That's what's happening in a meth lab. I didn't watch that enough.

SPEAKER_00 40:54

I was gonna say, thankfully, neither of us really know. I mean, I saw Breaking Bad, which took place in Albuquerque, so that's a similar climate. So there's like southwest desert.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

So nuts if like our neighbor's house was just on fire and they're like, it was a meth lab. I also saw like that there was a bio lab where someone was like hoarding diseases and COVIDs and see that is so much more wait in Vegas? Yeah, a while ago.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

That is horrifying to me. You tell me meth lab, I'm like, eh, whatever. There's gonna be a there's gonna be a meth lab every now and again. No matter where you live, there's gonna be a meth lab.

SPEAKER_01 41:25

A blaze.

SPEAKER_00 41:26

A biolab is actually freaky because the thought of like living within earshot of the next global pandemic is horrifying. Yeah, that's that'll keep me up at night like I like I forgot my last two lines.

SPEAKER_01 41:38

And then the big news is that they're building some kind of like enormous sports thing, diamond-shaped, correct, bagel traffic, blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_00 41:48

There's a lot of rumors right now. I mean, everyone knows Las Vegas is getting an NBA team. I think we're getting a major league soccer team as well, and there's all kinds of rumors as to where the stadiums are being built. But there's the biggest rumor is I believe it's supposed to be called the Diamond, which is like a new multi, multi-billion dollar complex where they're putting a new NBA arena for 25,000 seats and a new Major League Soccer Arena for 50 to 60,000 feet, all in the same area of Vegas right now, like 20 minutes south of the strip, where there's nothing but open desert road. So there's nothing around it right now, but it would be like the newest, best, shiniest mega sports complex, kind of like what LA Live did around the Lakers News Stadium, where it's like a whole entertainment district. There's obviously gonna be casinos, a million amazing restaurants. I believe they're building a high-rise called The Roof or something like that, where from the top of this building you can see into the soccer stadium and potentially at least see where the NBA arena is. So, like it actually sounds awesome. It sounds like it's gonna bring great value to anyone who owns in Las Vegas, which we do. Um but the Raiders have their own like the Raiders have a Legion Stadium, which is right by the Luxor, and I'm so glad that whatever proposed NBA or Major League Soccer Arena is coming will not be on the strip. The strip is already enough of a shit show from a traffic standpoint. No one wants to have to park at the strip. The strip is gonna be a nightmare after games for everyone getting out. If you put it in the middle of the desert where there's nothing else going on, I think locals will be thrilled with it. I think tourists can still access it without having to deal with the craziness of the strip. I think it's like all parties involved will be happy. I think it'll be great for locals in terms of bringing jobs, raising real estate value. I am super excited. I think it's just the next leg in Vegas becoming what it already is, which is like a very real city off the strip, as far as just people who live here having everything you could want. No, I don't want the Olympics. Isn't it no? The Olympics are going to LA.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

They're coming eventually to Vegas. Vegas are coming.

SPEAKER_00 43:51

Super Bowls have already been here. I do but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're reading news that I'm not, but I believe Vegas is so far away from having the infrastructure necessary to host an Olympics.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

I don't know. Have you seen Circus Circus recently? No, I was gonna say Um what was I gonna say about Vegas? Oh, when I was in Oklahoma City and I got all my Oklahoma City thunder swag, I remember seeing it and putting it on for a second and going, How the hell does Oklahoma City have a basketball team and Vegas doesn't?

SPEAKER_00 44:23

Well, there's there's kind of two thoughts to bringing a professional team to cities. One is either it's a major metropolitan area that can unquestionably support a sports team, or it's an incredibly small area with a devout fan base and lots of money because then they will pour everything they have into it. And so in Oklahoma City's case, there's not a lot to compete with from a entertainment standpoint. So you know they're gonna come out and support the team, and then you have all that oil money that was willing to bring the team in. You have to have money in the city. If it's not a major city, there has to be a high concentration of wealth to support a professional sports franchise, and Oklahoma City has oil money.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

All right. Well, there you go. Answers from Noah Garden Swords.

SPEAKER_00 45:06

All right, now let's do jokeyard.

SPEAKER_01 45:10

Oh, okay. So I had this idea for a joke, and we talked about it for a hot second, and then it kind of went away. But basically, when I was growing up, there was this like horrible, raunchy, disgusting porno called Mr. Hands.

SPEAKER_00 45:25

And he We definitely have not discussed this before. You and I have never discussed the horrible raunchy Mr. Hands.

SPEAKER_01 45:30

No, it was a famous porn thing that everyone was talking about in high school or middle.

SPEAKER_00 45:36

I think this is a Tampa thing. I'm fairly well versed on famous porn. Okay. I've never heard of Mr. Hands.

SPEAKER_01 45:43

I feel like when I was growing up, there was only there were several famous porns. There was uh the the Paraselton tape. Sure, yes.

SPEAKER_00 45:49

The family Anderson, the Kim Kardashian.

SPEAKER_01 45:52

And then Mr. Hands was a guy who had sex with a horse.

SPEAKER_00 45:56

Whoa. Remember this? This is the first time hearing of it, and I am so thankful. Also never seen that, but at least heard of it, and I don't think that constitutes porn, but never heard of Mr. Hands. And when you describe to me that there was a famous porn called Mr. Hands, never in a million years would I thought it ended with a horse being a big one.

SPEAKER_01 46:19

I could be wrong about all of this, but basically I hope you are. My memory is like I got lyrics to R. Kelly ignition in there, and the same time that that song was popular, everyone was talking about this horse thing.

SPEAKER_00 46:32

Okay, so please go on.

SPEAKER_01 46:33

The joke is basically how do you go from fucking the horse to riding the horse?

SPEAKER_00 46:44

Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_01 46:45

Like, can you imagine him like, okay, let's get on you? Like this horse is like, uh-uh, uh-uh.

SPEAKER_00 46:54

I know what happened last night.

SPEAKER_01 46:56

Like, you have now just ruined your relationship with this horse.

SPEAKER_00 47:01

I'm not sure how you this is this is my least favorite kind of joke that you could ever bring to me because it is funny, and I don't want you to ever talk about it again. So I don't want to help you with this joke. I don't want you to, I don't want to encourage you to make this joke part of your act, but also as you're telling it to me, it is funny. Undeniably, it made me laugh.

SPEAKER_01 47:22

I will say, really quick, like doing the Hadassah gig, I know exactly how to read the room, and I gave them all these amazing jokes that were just for them. And I feel nervous that they're gonna like watch some of my other specials or content and be like, whoa, we don't want to book her. And it's like, I am many things, I can do many versions.

SPEAKER_00 47:41

Well, I do, I do think this would not be good for Hadassah gigs. A Mr. Hands joke would probably lose you a few Hadasic gigs. I don't want to I'm gonna regret telling you this, but I think one way to take it is it's like the man who wants to have sex, but then the woman wants to cuddle after when whoever goes to ride Mr. Hands, Mr. Hands is like the man who just wants to kick him out. Like, no, you can fuck me, but don't think you're gonna ride me. You know, like the riding is the emotional. Ah yes. Oh, no, no, no. I want nothing to do with intimacy. Riding, like, yeah, you can fuck a horse, but riding me is way more personal. That's only a few people get to ride me, you know. Okay, or maybe the reverse of that. But that's where the analogy would go in my mind, in terms of taking the ironic turn of riding being the thing that the horse was opposed to.

SPEAKER_01 48:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did I think that we had talked about it before?

SPEAKER_00 48:38

I don't know that we would be married if we had spoken about that before.

SPEAKER_01 48:42

Who would I talk to about this?

SPEAKER_00 48:45

I'm also really gonna regret asking this, but I have to know. Is this a famous porn that you guys heard about or that you all watched and saw? Okay. I never ever ever watched.

SPEAKER_01 48:54

I also never watched Two Girls, One Cup. It was it was one of those things that everyone knew.

SPEAKER_00 49:00

I'm also gonna regret asking this, but is Mr. Hands the horse or the guy?

SPEAKER_01 49:04

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Who who's Mr. Hands in this situation?

SPEAKER_01 49:08

That's a good question. And by the way, Mr. Ed, you know what happened to him.

SPEAKER_00 49:14

No. I was about to say Hollywood, okay? I was like, I know they put peanut butter on his mouth to get him to move his gums, but yeah, well, they put peanut butter on all the other places too. Oh, you all right. Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to follow up that with my joke yard.

SPEAKER_01 49:31

Well, you know, statistically, if you invest in something, those stocks go up.

SPEAKER_00 49:36

My jokeyard, so the jokeyard I wanted to do today is it's not I don't have a funny punchline, but it's a premise that I want to know. You know, sometimes you think of something where it's so relatable and it's so right there that you're like, either this is hack or it's lame, or I just told the joke. Or there has to be a million versions of this. But I just had in my notes a thought that I wrote down, which is like, my wife takes 2,000 photos of us, and it's very apparent to me that she never looks at me in the photo, she only posts when she looks good. Like I was basically saying, you just want a man in the photo, but I may as well be a building because you so clearly don't look at me. And and I think the the one semi-punchline I put is like I could be mid-sneeze, but if she looks good, it's getting posted. I think that's funny, and that's a that's something we've argued about before, where you will post pictures of us, and I will be like, I literally text you or call you like I am convinced you didn't look at me for half a second when you decided to post this.

SPEAKER_01 50:34

Wait, that's funny that you're like I could be a building, because in in my brain, I'm thinking like, oh, I'm just the waterfall, she's just posing next to.

SPEAKER_00 50:43

Correct. I'm just something you're posing next to to showcase you, but also first of all, is it hack? Have you heard a million versions of that? Is it even worth trying to make a bit out of like?

SPEAKER_01 50:56

I only can think of my own bit where I say you're gonna wear the pink and purple bridesmaids dressed, and you're the human picture for me. No, I I I don't think there's a lot of guys that are even talking about their wives in a non-fake way.

SPEAKER_00 51:10

So you don't think there's some guys, you don't you haven't heard a joke about like guys bitching about how their significant other post shitty pictures of them because they only care about how they look.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

No. But my brain just went to Kevin Hart taking a picture with his wife, but like 20 feet in front of her, so he looks like he's the same height.

SPEAKER_00 51:27

Yeah, they have to do a perspective shift so that you can't tell that he's actually a five foot one.

SPEAKER_01 51:30

Yeah, but that's not a joke he has.

SPEAKER_00 51:33

Right.

SPEAKER_01 51:33

Um I know because I know every joke he has.

SPEAKER_00 51:36

So you think something like I could be mid-sneeze and she's still posting it as long as she looks good is funny.

SPEAKER_01 51:41

Yeah, and then you're like, I realize I'm the building, I'm the waterfall, I'm just the uh golden gate bridge and she's in front of.

SPEAKER_00 51:49

Got it. Okay, I like that. Now let me ask you this. Now that we've figured out that I should at least attempt it because it's not something everyone's doing, why is it? Will you will you admit to me that you don't give a fuck how I look in a picture? And as long as you look good, you will post it. Is that true or not?

SPEAKER_01 52:05

It's true that I don't care, but because you care, I I also think you look great all the time. And then when I try to pick out a picture that you would like, you're like, that's the worst picture ever.

SPEAKER_00 52:15

Well, here's the thing. I of course I care how I look to a certain degree, but I don't even care about looking good. I care about not looking actively horrible. You will post a picture where I look like sloth from the Goonies.

SPEAKER_01 52:25

Now I don't post anything. You would not know I have a husband because I'm afraid to post.

SPEAKER_00 52:30

Because your selection process is flawed. Because you don't look at me. You look at you, just admit that you look at how you look and you choose the best picture of you, and then as long as I am also in the picture, you will post it as a couple's picture without looking at the best picture of us.

SPEAKER_01 52:49

Alright. You got me.

SPEAKER_00 52:53

That's all I want to do. That's all I want to hear. All right, thank you. I'm a bad guy.

SPEAKER_01 52:59

Um, do you have any cool shows coming up? Are you gonna start from scratchy watchy? No jokes from the pasty.

SPEAKER_00 53:06

I I am definitely after retiring that last hour, I'm not going to be telling those jokes. So as I'm building a new hour, if you see me live, I will be doing a mix of playing the hits from the oldies while working in new stuff because I don't want to just go out and bomb for people paying to see me. Um, if you see me on a bar show or a free show, you're probably gonna get a bad show because it's gonna be all new stuff. But if you're coming to pay to see me, I'll play some of the hits to make sure I'm getting the laughs. In between some shit, I'm trying out. Denver, April 30th. I'm going back to the same theater I just shot my special to headline a show called Tight Five, where there are eight amateur comedians doing their five minutes, and I'm headlining afterwards. Uh, and then I will be at the comedy cellar in Las Vegas at the Rio, May 11th through, I believe, the 17th, and also May 25th through the 31st. So that's where I will be working out some new shit.

SPEAKER_01 53:57

I will be with Jared Freed this weekend, May 1st and 2nd at Wise Guys.

SPEAKER_00 54:02

A lot of fun, J Train.

SPEAKER_01 54:03

I think at the end of the month, I'm with Yamanika. We have um Bagel Mania's on hiatus. That'll be back in September, which everyone's excited about.

SPEAKER_00 54:12

But you're doing the win middle of May, which you can't come to unless you're a member with Zero Bound. So sorry.

SPEAKER_01 54:17

And also, I'm going back to Oklahoma City, I think at the end of August. So if you are listening and you live in Oklahoma City and you hate the Denver Nuggets, um, please come to that show. That's gonna be on the calendar very soon, and I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 54:34

If your handler is listening, whatever Oklahoma City Thunder merch you put in her swag bag is wasted money. It will not be allowed in this house. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 54:44

It's so cute. I like the blue.

SPEAKER_00 54:46

Bye. Free clay, free clay. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 54:51

He can't handle a bad thing.