Throwing a Punch and Chewing Popcorn

Ester and Noah unpack their week with updates on Noah's misophonia meltdown at the movies hearing someone chew popcorn, almost losing a kid in a Vegas casino elevator, fights at the foodie fest, and a recap of te most Vegas Mother's Day. Lastly, unearthing some old bit and joke that they workshop into something more usable.

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@AgainstHisWill

@Noahgcomedy

@Ester.Steinberg

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey Noah.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi.

SPEAKER_01 0:02

I I don't know if this is fun or interesting, but there I have a big camera and I'm excited to use it. And it's from my uncle who passed away. And I thought I looked at the memory card and there was like one picture of a plant. I was like, okay, interesting. Today I po I was trying to learn how to use it. I pop open a like little mini cassette tape.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

And so now I'm about to find a dead person's mystery. No, it could be.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

I was worried you were about to tell me you already know you discovered something you didn't want to see. Hold on. First of all, you came in hot. I just want to acknowledge this is episode nine. I just want to put a pin. We're definitely going to get to the phone.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

I would love it if people were very interested in the number of episodes.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Well, the reason I want to address that it's episode nine is we did not have an episode last week, so we had stopped at episode eight. And my friend Brian Coles, a listener of the pod, shout out Brian Coles. At the very beginning, after the first episode, I was like, How'd you like it? He was like, I think it was great. You guys are really good, but I give it seven episodes before you quit because against his will, the whole premise being that I don't want to do this. And then when we made it to episode eight, he texted me and was like, I think you made it to episode eight just to spite me. And then immediately after we did episode eight, there was a week off. So I think Brian was starting to take a mental victory lap of that we're quitting the pod. So I just want to announce we are back. Episode nine, we're back. We didn't do an episode last week because I was traveling a lot, but now, sorry, back to what you were saying. You discovered an old video cassette in an old camera that you got from your deceased uncle, and you do not know what is on this cassette.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Yes. And one of my favorite things with dead people is finding, like, I will sometimes have like a picture frame or something, and I'm like, I know there's gonna be a check for like $2 million underneath. Like, I want like a Goonie surprise. I want money, I want mystery.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

Your grandfather left us a picture and we hung it up and the frame fell, and I thought you were gonna be really upset about the frame, and you told me you were excited because something in your brain told you your grandpa like buried $20,000 behind the picture frame. Spoiler alert, he did not, it's just a shattered picture frame that our children then played with broken glass.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

But so he did have wads of money wrapped in newspapers, like hiding around his really gross hoardy apartment.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Uh I am begging you not to watch this video cassette. Not that I think your uncle Ziv was up to anything shady, but you can't go back from that. As of now, you have a pristine memory of your uncle who was a wonderful man that you only think good things of, and I am sure there's nothing bad on this cassette.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

It's a treasure map to Pandora's pirate booty.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

I'm telling you, playing with the memory of dead people, playing with the possession of dead people. As of now, you know what you know about your uncle Z.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

I should go to the show.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

You don't know what you don't know. I do not think you should watch this.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

Great. Thank you for your opinion.

SPEAKER_02 2:58

You're gonna watch it, aren't you?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

I am. I also am like feel like I'm gonna blend in with the couch. I'm just furniture. Well, how's it going? How's it been?

SPEAKER_02 3:07

I'm good. I also want to address, I'm I'm doing the pillow to the left. Last time we shot an episode, I like having something for my arms. I like having my arms up on something so they can rest. So I put a pillow on my lap, and Esther warned me against it from the beginning. She was like, it looks ridiculous. I was like, I don't care. I want to be comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

It looks like you're hiding a boner when you put a pillow on your lap.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

And then we released a couple clips, and a couple people commented that it looked like I was hiding an erection, and I must admit, it did look like I was hiding an erection, but I wasn't. I just want to be comfortable. So now I'm doing the Passover pillow to the left.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Oh, yeah, to the left.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

So why is the state different than any other? You're just gonna have to deal with it. Um, but yeah, it it's good to be back podding. Quite a bit has happened. Uh, we didn't pod last week because I had just gotten back from Boston. I went out to do a one-nighter gig. It was a synagogue's 90th anniversary gala. The gig went great. There was nothing remarkable or special to talk about other than one thing I thought was so funny. It was their big 90th anniversary. So there was, it was like catered as if it was a wedding or a bar mitzvah, lots of food, several bars, a carving station, sushi, all that. The event was not supposed to start until 6. Doors were not supposed to open until 6 p.m. So many congregants from the synagogue were worried about parking that everyone showed up at 5 15. And because there was a mass flood of people who got there at 5 15, 5 30, because they were worried about there not being parking at 6, they opened the doors early, and because if Jews see food being set up, they can't not go get it. The doors were not supposed to open until 6. This sushi bar was in full swing with a line out the door by 5 30, and you had these poor cater waiters like sweating to quickly pieces of sushi. I don't know. I don't know. Some poor security guard who was sick of answering the same question to like every 70-year-old couple of Jews that were just like, Can we get in?

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Yeah, everyone's special too. They're like, Well, I need to.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Everyone had a reason why they were supposed to be allowed into the synagogue early, but I just thought it was hilarious that at an event that wasn't supposed to start until six, the sushi bar was in full swing a half hour early because so many people showed up early because they were worried about parking. That's all I wanted to say about Boston.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

I'm like, it's start today.

SPEAKER_02 5:33

So when you combine and you have Jewish boomers, yeah, Joomers are gonna get there early, they're gonna rush everyone's schedule, they're gonna be annoying, but they will get things done.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Um, more importantly, today you have your special that came out on OF. You know what OF stands for?

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Tech Company.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

I don't even want to say the name so we don't get uh demonetized from the money we're not even making yet, but of. Of my of special. You were happy with it, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:03

I was thrilled. I mean, you never know, you never know if someone else is doing the production and you're not really part of the actual production. You're invited, there's a call time. Of course, it was 2 p.m. because no sushi bar.

SPEAKER_02 6:16

We've already gone through all that.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

And uh it was a good, it was a great taping. So check it out. Lots of funny jokes.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Were you nervous this morning because you hadn't seen, like you remember that it went well, you came home and were happy, but you don't know until you see what gets left on the editing editing port.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I was so thrilled, and the best part is that I didn't have to give people time stamps. It was like sometimes not being involved is so fun, as long as people do their jobs correctly.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

So so on OF, you're at Esther for you, that's the number four, and then the letters Y O U. Yes, and you can see go check it out, subscribe, and you know, be one of the men who watches her special and laughs instead of one of the men that's sending you D I C K pics. Although I do love that on the platform they have to pay you every time they send it. I think that's pretty awesome.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

And I'm I'm we can cut this out if you want.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

No, I don't really care. That doesn't bother me, it doesn't excite me. I'm literally my day is the same.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Right. But it's nice. The what the way you explained it to me that I fully supported was you're like women have received so many unwanted picks over the years. At least here they have to pay me for it. Yeah, women get unfortunately sexually harassed so often, at least OF has created a way where you are getting monetized for it.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Yeah, and the picture comes in blurry, so I have to click to actually unblur it.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

But do you have to click to receive the money for it?

SPEAKER_01 7:48

No. Fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Well, I have been in a good mood this weekend because the WNBA season started. I know you're so excited.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Women's National Basketball Association.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

Correct. It is the women's professional basketball league. I love it. I'm a huge fan. I'm not ironically a fan, I'm legitimately a fan. Admittedly, I started watching the games because it was just something that I could bet on. It was just a new form of sports that I could gamble on, but then I grew attached to certain players, certain teams, storylines, and really grew in appreciation for how competitive and high quality the league actually is. And so I'm excited about the WNBA. And the biggest game of the year, the first weekend, was Paige Becker versus Caitlin Clark, who were two of the bigger names in the WNBA, the last two number one draft picks. And uh interestingly enough, Paige Becker's plays for the Dallas Wings, who also this year with the new number one pick drafted AZ Fudd, who is rumored to be Paige Becker's current girlfriend. We know that they dated when they were both playing together at UConn.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

And you know that I only care about the drama of all sports.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

So it was a double win because not only do I now get to watch these players that I legitimately love, but I got you invested because I told you there was a romantic backstory, will they, won't they, as to whether or not Paige and Aisy are dating. And as the game is on in the background, and I'm explaining to my wife that Paige and AZ I think are still a couple, we realize our five-year-old and our three-year-old are watching with us, and they started asking questions about women being in love.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

And we and well, they have they know they know guys are married to each other.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

Because there are some gay fathers in their class.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

So they were like, so they're best friends, and we're like, they and they live together and they're in love. And they're like, but they play now. That is new. They play on the same team, they're in love, they live together.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

What I realize is there was nothing about the homosexual component of the conversation that I was worried about. I have no problem talking to my kids about gay marriage. I did realize we were opening up a conversation that was just gonna lead to more questions, and in general, I am questioned out, so I wasn't upset about the gay nature of the conversation so much as I was, oh my god, this is gonna be the next hour and a half of explaining what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

They were perfectly fine, two women who are in a relationship, but then the whole playing on the same team. They're like, who was the first one on the team? And did they play together in college? And this is something that, like, did Paige help AZ?

SPEAKER_02 10:21

And then it But either way, for anyone who's interested, the Dallas Wings are my hot team of the year. I think they're gonna have a fantastic season. I think they're a fun watch.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

We think we know the Vegas team name.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

We we have good for the W for the NBA team. Vegas is getting an NBA team, and we have it on good authority from someone who's very in the know. He's a mover and shaker around town. Do you want to reveal?

SPEAKER_01 10:45

So we've got the women aces, and then we have our NBA team, which is going to be called, we think, the Jacks.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

We heard it's going to be the Vegas Jacks, which I actually think at first I hated it and it's grown on me. I think they can have some awesome uniforms.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

But I Is that one of the cards?

SPEAKER_02 11:05

Yeah, the Jack. It's the male, it's the male royal card aside from Kings, but they can't be the Vegas Kings because there's already the Sacramento Kings. So some people were not a fan because they're like, oh, it's the lowest face card. I worry about all the different ways people can inappropriate take the name. Obviously, there's the Vegas Jack Offs. If they're bad, they'll be the Jack Offs.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

The Jack of all trades.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

Because it's the NBA, I'm guessing a lot of the players will be African American or black Europeans, and I think a lot of races could go the black jacks. I think there's a lot of ways for the jacks to kind of backfire, but I also think it could be a cool uniform. We'll see.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

All right. Well, the jacks, baby.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

It was also Mother's Day yesterday.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

My favorite holiday.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

How was your Mother's Day? And be honest.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Um, I loved it. I planned it. I searched inside my heart. What do I really want to do? I don't want to have a brunch where I'm eating like a pastry while my kids are throwing things at my head at 10 in the morning. No thanks. I don't want to fuck off and go get a massage.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

You didn't want to do the thing a lot of mothers do, which is for my mother's day, I want to be away from my family. You take the kids all day.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Yeah, I that doesn't feel correct to me. I do want I every year I want a photo. I am begging for one single family photo, which is literally the only time we ever do a family photo. So I got that.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

But we uh You got that, but you timed it horribly. You got it after dinner, after we were all the timing is always on the room.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

It's always wrong. But we got it, and I really wanted to turn up. I like the idea of like a Las Vegas Mother's Day. I like the idea of like a pool party, loud and music. So we went to Red Rock Casino, we got the hotel room, and thanks to Noah, we got the VIP perk. So gambling does pay off.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Which was funny because you even explained it to our kids that because daddy gambles, we got like a great room. And so I had my five-year-old son be like, Thank you for gambling, daddy. And I was like, No problem, kid.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

And I always am like responsibly, he gambles responsibly, which the casino doesn't like.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

We we did get a room at the casino, we used the casino pool, uh, everything was awesome. I let you and your mom stay at the pool for two hours uninterrupted with the kids screaming, and I took them to the movies.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Which is funny because we love being outside and you are allergic to the heat in the outside.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

It was a hundred degrees. I was not trying to be out at the pool for five hours. So I was happy to take the kids to a movie. There's a running theme. I think this is probably the third or fourth episode I've addressed my misophonia. Okay. But let me just tell you if you asked someone to engineer the absolute worst case scenario, if you wanted to genetically modify a person to make sure that Noah Gardenswortz has an awful time at the movies, this is who is sitting next to Nathan. And it was a pack theater, so we couldn't move. I took the kids to see the new Super Super Mario's Galaxy Brothers movie. Terrible, besides the point, I'm 42. The movie wasn't made for me. A teenager sits down with the large bucket of popcorn, so I already knew I was in it for the long haul. I knew this was a full-length movie, popcorn endeavor. I hate the sound of people eating popcorn. I hate the sound of people eating popcorn in a movie theater where it's so isolated next to my ear. This kid ate it one kernel at a time and did two or three bites per kernel.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Where do you feel it in your body?

SPEAKER_02 14:32

Where don't I feel it in my body? It's a rage that swells up, and the worst part is I'm sure everyone can relate to when something annoys you, it's the only thing you can concentrate on. Once I heard him eat that first piece of popcorn and I heard that he was eating it in small increments, so it was like three bites per kernel, one kernel at a time for 90 fucking minutes straight. All I could hear was the popcorn eating. I don't know a single line of dialogue from Mario and Luigi. I don't know a single question our children asked me. All I know is for 90 minutes straight, I heard popcorn eating one kernel at a time, three bites per kernel, and I wanted to kill him, myself, and everyone in the theater.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Do you hear this popcorn in like loud speakers in your brain?

SPEAKER_02 15:14

Like it was full on surround sound. Full on surround sound. My entire world was immersed in the worst, most offensive popcorn eating of all time.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

So interesting because it's got to be you.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

Well, and what's funny is immediately after we all met up for dinner, and I was in a bad mood because I had had the kids for two hours and they were kind of driving me crazy, and I got to the restaurant 15 minutes before you and your mom, and anyone who's ever sat at a restaurant with metal silverware with kids who are just waiting with no food, no menus, waiting on someone else. It was 15 minutes of bickering with them. But I think now that I'm talking it through, I was actually in a bad mood, not because of the kids, and not because you were running late, but because I had just gotten out of 90 minutes straight of this guy eating popcorn.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Now, the kids were also very hungry, and the kid who usually gets a nap didn't get a nap. So they were on another level of just fuckery. And the more they get, the more crazy they act. But I do want to complain about my mom, who I love so much. Sure, so dearly, this woman really comes through for me, and I appreciate her. But my husband is the most efficient man in the world, and my mother is permanently sifting through 11 or 12 different bags looking for the handkerchief to clean her glasses, the toothbrush to clean her Invisalign. She's just stays sifting, sifting.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

I got to see it like I've seen it in group settings, but I got a one-on-one look yesterday because you left the room with the kids to go down to the pool, and your mother was staying back for what was supposed to be 10 seconds so she could grab like a hat for the pool to meet you down the hallway. And as I was laying in bed waiting for her to leave, I saw the process of her open one bag to the next bag, and all of a sudden there were like four bags out with her getting frustrated that she couldn't find the one thing she was looking for, and how long it took to put the other four bags back. And all of a sudden, what was supposed to be a 10-second thing that you were waiting in the hallway, five minutes later, I get a text from you like I can't fucking wait any longer. I don't want to waste my mother's day waiting on my mom. And she was still just going through shooting.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

That is my popcorn. When you if there's a man just crunching popcorn into your ear, there is for me the equivalent is just my mom being like, Wait, I think it's and then she narrates, Oh my god, I put it here, but I don't know, because I wanted it to go in this. And I was like, actually, if she was sifting through the bags with her mouth shut, it would also be a 100 different experience, 100%, than her narrating it. I put it here, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

And I'm like someone narrating the thing that's already annoying you definitely escalates. That that's the new level. Like, if you have a pet peeve that someone is not aware of the fact that you're annoyed by their actions and they're talking you through what they do, that is absolutely brutal. I I hear you on that.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

I'm gonna crunch my popcorn a couple times because it really helps me savor the flavor of it. Let me see what else do we want to talk about. We well, we had a horrible there at mostly the Mother's Day was phenomenal.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Yes, I don't want to talk too much about kids because that was one of our things. I don't feel like we were. I know that's your boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

We don't want to talk about kids, but sometimes something happened.

SPEAKER_02 18:17

This did happen.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Emotionally happens, and it was kind of out of a movie or TV show. It was a bit of a uh home alone.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

We can laugh about it now because all is well that ends well, but in the moment it was in an absolute crisis. We were walking down the hallway, it was a very long hallway in the hotel. Our kids are jumping off the walls, so we told them, run ahead, and we normally tell them run ahead and then run back, and we just have them sprinting dust while we walk at a normal pace.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Run ahead, run ahead.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

The kids ran ahead to the elevators, and we finally catch up to the elevator bank. And as we turn, we see Moses with his hand in the elevator trying to prevent doors from closing, and we're like, Where's Nathan? And we realize Nathan is inside of the elevator with the doors closing, and the doors closed almost on Moses' hand. He pulls his arm out, and Nathan is in the elevator going down. Our three-year-old son is in the elevator screaming without an adult. We don't know where this elevator is going.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Awful. This mo the moment happened in like slow motion. We're like, we're like, kids, where what?

SPEAKER_02 19:18

And then we're where's Nathan, where's Nathan? And then we just hear him freaking out from inside the elevator. So Esther very wisely just starts screaming while the elevator is still an earshot in case there are adults in the elevator somehow with Nathan on a floor below. She's just screaming, floor 10, floor ten. I immediately get in the elevator across the bay, and I my plan was to go down to the casino floor and just wait at the elevator banks to make sure he doesn't get off an elevator and I can catch him. I get on the elevator, which already has a floor pushed, so I'm so annoyed because I'm in a rush trying to get down to the first floor, and it stops at the ninth floor. And thank God, for some reason, I truly believe there was some form of intervention. At the ninth floor, the doors open, and our son Nathan is waiting there with a very kind middle-aged man who saw a kid in distress and was just waiting and trying to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Uh, and so you grabbed him and went back up to 10, which is the thing.

SPEAKER_02 20:12

And then had to apologize to my five-year-old for how I freaked out on him for letting his younger brother get in an elevator and go.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Right. It's not his responsibility, but then he was like, I'm worried that the elevator will eat my hand and I have to have a talk with the.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

We fucked up as parents. What happens to them is always our responsibility, but he also could have done a better job and not letting his three-year-old brother get on an elevator by himself and let the doors close.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

And then the little guy goes, I didn't press any buttons. And I'm like, Okay, a couple things to know. Elevators close and go different ways without you pressing a button. Another thing to know is my son Moses is from New York City, and he needs to understand, and I feel like this is on me, doors don't eat your hand. Hello, go to the New York subway. And people just hold those subway doors all day long. They are not ever going to kill you. You will actually open the door before they smash your hand. So we need to teach our kids a little bit more, but everything is a lesson, and thank God you found him. I also feel like someone needed to stay on the 10th floor just in case then someone should be on the casino floor. So like I don't know how this would have gone down if you didn't see him on the ninth floor.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

I've replayed it a million times over all the various ways. It could have been an awful situation. I'm just thankful that not only did it end okay, but it ended okay quickly. Like it was only a matter of a minute where Nathan was just lost in space on an elevator before I found him, and then we all met back up as a family.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Um That was the Tower of Terror.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

The door closed, and he goes Say all that to say this all came from you wanting to do a staycation at a hotel on Mother's Day. Whereas on Father's Day, I will be doing nothing.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Are you gonna golf?

SPEAKER_02 21:58

I don't golf, you know that.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

Yeah, but I Want you to have a sport that you can like be an absentee father to I will be watching WNBA games.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

How about that?

SPEAKER_01 22:06

How about that? Okay. Yeah, that was really stressful. It was going too well.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

I do want to share a holiday hack that you and I do. I I applied it to Mother's Day, but something that you and I started doing, which I think is really great, is any situation where you have to present someone with a greeting card, whether it's a birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, we repurpose greeting cards and just add a comma with whatever asterisk types type statement that we need to add to it. So for instance, I went to buy Mother's Day cards, they were completely sold out, so they were birthday cards. I bought two birthday cards, and the one I gave to my mother-in-law, the front said, I'm so happy you were born because it was a birthday card. And I wrote, comma, so you could one day become a mother and grandmother. And then repurpose it as a birthday card. So we'll do that all the time. Like if we have to do a birthday, but they only have an anniversary, it'll be like, happy anniversary for the day that you were born. Congratulations on being born. Congratulations. Yeah, so we just love to repurpose greeting cards and get creative however you need to to make them apply.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

Yeah, that's that's funny.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

Is there anything else you wanted to talk about that happened?

SPEAKER_01 23:20

I saw the Michael Jackson movie with my mom.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

I thought it was excellent. And I've that's that's the second Michael Jackson. The first one was more of a documentary on HBO. This was a celebration of his work.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

Did you feel like everyone in the theater was on board? Everyone had just kind of agreed to silently ignore the elephant in the room and just go watch Michael reserving judgment, forgiving yourselves for possibly supporting a movie that other people are critical of because of the allegations, and just being like, you know what? I'm gonna go see, I'm gonna enjoy. This is young Michael, this is the music I love.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

Do you know what? That that was it was a movie of like separating art from different things. It I it would be like watching a movie about your life, and then we just like disregard your misophonia. It's just Noah Garnschwartz, the comedian who writes jokes. Let me tell you something acknowledging.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

If at the end of my life, the big scandal that's being ignored is my hatred of people chewing. I lived the life of a nun, of a Quaker. Fantastic. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

So we're just going to we are going to witness this incredible talent. Let me tell you, the nephew, what's his name? Michael Jackson? Jafar. Jafarmaine son was sensational. I was convinced I was watching Michael Jackson. And whenever I watch a movie about an artist, I'm just like, oh, this is Austin Butler pretending to be Elvis the whole time. And it was lovely. But this, I felt like I was watching Michael Jackson, his language, the way he moved, and it was a lot about Joseph.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

They applied it.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

It's insane. But also he was so good, and the dancing was mind-blowing. The singing was good. Everything was great.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

I think more important to a Michael Jackson biopic than the singing would be the dancing. I mean, Michael had an incredible voice, but what made him stand out as a performer was the dancing.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

Well, I was born and thriller existed. Now I got to take a glimpse of like, oh, someone had to write it. Now you got to see the beatings that led to the Yeah, it was a lot of beating and a lot of hitting kids, and it made me sad that part. And then you know what? It I think it was trying to explain things. There was a lot of never never land. Like he didn't have the childhood. It was a lot of explaining without explaining. But you know what? I fucking loved the movie and I would watch it again. And again.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

I I'm glad that you enjoyed. I'm glad that if you went, you at least got to enjoy it. I haven't seen it yet. Not because I'm boycotting or protesting, just because I have not had the time to go see it.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

This actor is incredible.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Fantastic. All right. Uh this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 26:10

So I saw news that this past weekend was a big foodie fest. It's like a big annual, as the name would imply, festival of food.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

And Vegas is a big food town.

SPEAKER_02 26:22

It is. So this was the 14th annual Foodie Fest, and they had to cancel it in the middle of the second night because fights kept on breaking out. And what was funny is like in the news story where they were talking about how they had to cancel because of fights, they just wanted to clarify. They literally said, contrary to popular belief, there were no stabbings or shootings. So they just wanted to clarify just good old-fashioned bare-knuckle brawling in the alley over fries and empanadas and who knows what else.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Do you think this was like fights about the food, the lines to the food?

SPEAKER_02 26:55

That's what I was wondering. I was wondering, is it like teenage kids or gangs trying to like battle for turf and just run into someone in public that they don't like? Or is it 98 degrees at night and people are already irritable because they're hot and sweaty and the food is expensive and someone gets cut off in line? But it feels like for multiple fights to be breaking out, it feels like there had to be bad blood amongst some of the population that kept on showing up.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

Or is it a thing where when you invite more than a hundred people, people start to just punch each other?

SPEAKER_02 27:29

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 27:29

Also, Vegas is so weird because usually you have to pay to see fights. And so this is like it's a weird world that we live in where you can pay to see people fighting, and that's a big ticket. I think there's like a giant.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

And perhaps because Vegas is such a UFC centric town, perhaps it was in the ether of like you have these guys who are so jacked up on fight week that were just there, like, I swear to God, if someone fucking cuts me in line for a burger, I'm gonna go strickland on them.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

If they if I ask for medium rare, and if this burger comes fully, fully burnt, that's it. I'm gonna kill someone.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

There is something funny about a fight happening at a food fest because then like food. Right, what are the chances it just devolves into like two guys are beating the shit out of each other while their wives are like throwing chicken wings at each other or something like that?

SPEAKER_01 28:24

That'd be fun, or like someone gets a pie in the face. I'm like, of course there is a food fight.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

There we go.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Um more c I hot take, and I don't understand how anyone could disagree with me, but I think I'm the only one who believes this. Maybe I don't know. I don't like fighting, I don't like physical fighting, I don't like it when people are hitting each other. I don't want to see a fight.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

That's your hot take.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

My hot take is I fucking hate violence, period. And so to buy a ticket to see a fight is so fucking insane to me. But then to actually get into a fist fight at a food place is equally as insane to me. And yet everywhere we go, fighting, hitting, what is it? I think it's men. First of all, can we just a question mark? Are is this women pulling each other's hair and yelling?

SPEAKER_02 29:12

I don't know who was fighting at Foodie Fest. I will say women do fight. It'll take all of three seconds going online and social media to see women fighting in the streets as well. Certainly, I would feel confident saying more of the world's fights, more of the country's fights, more of the stupid fights are men fighting for sure. But it's not just a male thing. Uh oftentimes, but apparently I doubt the fights at Foodie Fest were over a woman.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

I think it's over the line. Do you feel like it was like the Jews in line for sushi?

SPEAKER_02 29:44

The one thing that won't happen is Jews fighting over sushi in line. But I do think I would bet that it started from like someone waiting for 20 minutes while they were hot and irritable, and someone cutting them off, or someone who was waiting in front of them let a friend in.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

What if someone was in line while someone behind them was chewing popcorn?

SPEAKER_02 30:05

I could see, I could see myself getting into a fight at the food festival because I was irritable about the length of the line I was waiting in while someone else was making noises that were just making me that much angrier. I could I could see that happening.

SPEAKER_01 30:19

Or someone was standing in line with their own mother who was sifting through their bag trying to find a coupon for like that's the thing.

SPEAKER_02 30:25

You say you hate fighting, but everyone has their triggers. Like, there's only so many times you can wait for your mom to find her invisalign while you're waiting to go somewhere before the next person that cuts you off is gonna get fucking scratched by your nails. You never know.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

Yeah, so that is a fight. I mean, oh, I I will say I've always had this thing where I will glance. I feel like all you have to do is walk around the world and you will see people on television fighting, like the UFC, the fighting like that. And I was once in like a green room and it was women fighting, punching Ronda Rousey stuff. And I was like, I see it, but I don't know why they're fighting, and I'm gonna need a reason. And so I've always wanted like a backstory of like she slept with her boyfriend, and now I'm into the fight. Now I can watch.

SPEAKER_02 31:19

The whole problem with you is you didn't grow up playing sports, so you don't understand competing just for the sake of competing.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

I did dance and cheerleading.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

The only way I can get you interested in any of the games I watch is to give you some kind of compelling backstory, either about the people competing with each other or something interesting that's happening in that athlete's life that may be playing a part as to why they are performing well or poorly in that game. But it's such a lost concept on you that people just want to compete for the sake of competition.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

I'm gonna punch her until she goes down so that everyone knows I'm tough.

SPEAKER_02 31:56

Well, if you train to be if what you do is fight, if you are a fighter by trade, then yes, it's not so everyone knows you're tough. It's so that you can accomplish the goal of being the best at what you do.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

Do you think that I should take a fighting class and do one fight in my life?

SPEAKER_02 32:11

I've seen the way you throw punches and it's comically bad. You you punch like this. You No, I do not think you should fight.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

What if do I do jujitsu and and I just try to like get someone with my legs?

SPEAKER_02 32:25

Well, that's it. You're incredibly athletic. So if you I don't think you have it in you to be a fighter, but I do think if you train for some kind of athletic competition, you would succeed at any sport you put your attention to because you're very fit and you're very strong.

SPEAKER_01 32:37

Isn't it good to put yourself in a place of uncomfortable? Like I'm dying for you to do one single Pilates fusion class with me just to experience it.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

I did tell you now that our schedules have cleared up a little bit, I did promise you I would attend one of Mary's classes this week. So maybe next week on the pod, I'll report back to how it went with me suffering through one of your instructors' classes. You tried to get me to go last week, but it was the bar class, and I was like, No, we'll get you into that class, and then maybe I should.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

I wean, maybe I should try to fight someone so I know what it, so I know what it's like to the joy. Is it joyous?

SPEAKER_02 33:14

I no, I've never I've been in plenty of fights in my life, and I've never left any of them happy about the fight. Either win or lose, you're not like psyched that you just got in a fight. It takes a while for the adrenaline to come down.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

We know how I fight. I throw some shade and I run away.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

Well, yeah, you fight with words, you don't fight physically, and I think we can leave it at that. I don't think you're meant for the physical fight game. And quite frankly, I'm 42 years old, and there's no reason I should be fighting either. So fights off, cut me off in line at the foodie fest while you're chewing popcorn in my ear. Doesn't matter. I gotta let shit slide. I'm 42.

SPEAKER_01 33:49

I will fight with teenagers on motorbikes.

SPEAKER_02 33:55

That that is the social fight that you're taking to the streets.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

And I would physically fight.

SPEAKER_02 34:00

You took it, you took it to the next step yesterday. You have officially turned this age. Esther wrote a giant complaint about teenagers on e-bikes in a community board on Facebook. You were officially taking it to the Facebook streets and sounding off in because multiple things are pissing me off about the e-bikes in the suburban areas.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

First of all, if you're gonna e-bike, great, you'll be at the ER soon. Have fun e-biking to the ER. I don't care. But when you e-bike, you're taking a 12-year-old kid with no brain cells, and he's motorcycling around an area that is very tiny and designated for three-year-old. You are going to kill a three-year-old. So right before you kill a three-year-old, I am gonna light you up. I'm gonna yell at you. I would rather lose my shit and yell at a kid or say no, no, no. That's all I do. I don't even have a conversation. I go no, no, no, like a caren before the kid dies.

SPEAKER_02 34:58

I don't know if it's a national issue. In Vegas, there's been a thing of 10 to 12 year old kids on e-bikes coming to specifically designated for little children's playground areas, and they ride through these playgrounds that are meant for a three to five-year-old, and it is incredibly dangerous, and you rightfully get angry and have now taken it to Facebook.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

And I will be training to physically defend myself against these 10-year-olds. Now, I also just want to say whose fault is it? You would think these bikes are be g be free, but it is the parents' fault. Whoever is buying these e-bikes for their 10-year-old, I want to kill you.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

But here was the interesting comment, because I'm with you on that the e-bikes are becoming a problem. But one of the alternative arguments for was like at least it's getting them off of the screen. So it's like, on one hand, we advocate for kids to go back outside. We always talk about this generation. They don't play anymore, they just sit on the phone in the house. So, like, there is something good about the fact that these kids are being independent, they're not scared of the world, they're being active, they're outdoors, they're tearing up these playgrounds. I just think we as a society need to do a better job of designating specifications. Like, like when I was a kid, one of the big things was skateboarding was an issue because me and my friends would go skateboard on the steps behind the mall, or you go on stairs and it's public spaces, and other people don't want to be around kids with skateboards flying everywhere. And then I think a preponderance of skate parks started popping up. So I think we as a society, because I don't feel like these e-bikes are going anywhere, I think we need to start creating more safe spaces for 10 to 12 year olds to have their own designated area away from little kids, away from adults with cars on the street where they can just go e-bike in peace.

SPEAKER_01 36:43

I think that they need to get on a bicycle and burn some calories using their legs, and parents should not be getting kids motorcycles. Period. What on planet earth are we doing? Giving kids motorcycles. Everything you mentioned does not involve motoring motor on anything. There should not be an electric motor on kids' toys. A 10-year-old could kill someone, the skateboard could hurt someone. These bikes are death bikes, and I am running for offense.

SPEAKER_02 37:17

And this and now I'm ready for a food festival. Hey, that was actually the best punch I've ever seen you throw. That was the first time you've ever done with Korean.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

You have to be upset.

SPEAKER_02 37:32

Yeah. I mean, if you're fighting and you're not upset, you're a psycho.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

Well, I've done boxing classes where I'm like having the best time of my life.

SPEAKER_02 37:39

Yeah, I was gonna say, you're you do boxing workouts.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

Okay, so I'm at a boxing workout class.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

But you're there to burn calories, not to learn how to fight or improve.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

And that's when the bad punches are. But when I'm ready to harm a 10-year-old on an e-bike, I'm yoked up.

SPEAKER_02 37:57

All right. Uh jokeyard.

SPEAKER_01 38:00

Okay, so my jokeyard, I'll go. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but a comedian who I met on like day two in Las Vegas said to me that he really liked that joke I did on day two in Las Vegas. And I was like, what? What did I do? And he told me about it and I didn't remember it. Does that ever happen to you where someone's like, I love that bit? And you're like, what bit is that?

SPEAKER_02 38:24

What's the joke here? I'll tell you.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

I'm just curious if that has ever happened.

SPEAKER_02 38:29

What, where someone tells me they love a joke that I have and I don't even remember ever doing that joke? Uh I mean, no.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Great. Short answer.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

I remember my jokes. But go on.

SPEAKER_01 38:41

So he told me that I got on stage and I did doing books for my kids as Brian Regan. And I understand I love like bad impressions. It's not like I have but the best Brian Regan, but I also love messing around with like kid books. So I'm gonna try to do like, oh, don't have like great eggs at home. I can't do it.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

So I I appreciate the silliness of it. I oddly enough, even though I'm like a meticulous writer for my own material, the things that make me laugh the hardest are just truly silly jokes. So I love that this seems to be a silly joke. My issue right now with the joke, if you try to take it to a broader audience, is even though Brian Regan is incredible at comedy and is very well known amongst comedy nerds and comedians themselves, I don't think the mass public knows who Brian Regan is. And if you do a Brian Regan impression, I think most of people are gonna be looking at you like, who the fuck is she impersonating right now?

SPEAKER_01 39:36

I could do silly vo well, first of all, I do silly voices when I read I am a silly person. I have to read these boring kids' books. I like to spice things up. I've done a video where I was like dramatically reading brown bear.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

Brown bear, brown bear.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

So you're doing Regan again.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

Okay, but I can't.

SPEAKER_02 39:55

Now you cannot do Regan when you do I can do J-Lo.

SPEAKER_01 39:58

Brown bear. Brown bear. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 40:01

That's pretty good.

unknown 40:02

Yellow bird, yellow bird.

SPEAKER_02 40:04

Well, so that's what's funny is the cheat code for doing an impression. It's one like obviously doing a good impression is cheating anyway in comedy. Like it's such an easy laugh, which by the way, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. It is a skill. Impressionists are a good impression, it's very difficult and impressive.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

Secret skill of yours.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

But I I am good at impressions, I never pull them out on stage, never will. But the things that the things that succeed on stage as an impressionist, if you want to take the cheat code to the next level, it's giving them a mundane task to execute. So instead of just impersonating the person, what you're doing well in this scenario is this person reading a children's book. So then you can't.

SPEAKER_01 40:42

You're in the car and you have road rage, but only as Drew Barrymore.

SPEAKER_02 40:45

Right. So like doing J-Lo reading llama llama is a good way to get into the J-Lo impression. Instead of just being like, here's my J-Lo impression and pretending to say something everyone thinks J-Lo would say, give her a ridiculous task like reading a children's book, and I think that's the way to go about it. So I'm actually into this concept of a joke where you do impersonations of celebrities reading children's books. I just don't, yeah. I just don't think A, I don't think your Brian Regan is good enough, and B, I don't think Brian Regan is well known enough. But I am into you developing two minutes of the act. Not much more than that. We're gonna cut off after two minutes, but I would like to see some form of this celebrity, possibly J Lo.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

First, I need a rock solid impression.

SPEAKER_02 41:26

Second, I can What would you say your best impression is? J Lo?

SPEAKER_01 41:29

I mean, only because people say I look like J Lo.

SPEAKER_02 41:32

Oh, what a humble breath. Only because people say I look like J Lo.

SPEAKER_01 41:36

That's humble. We got the same nose job. Like what? Like what? Like, I don't know. I got brown bear. She's got the nicest hoops. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 41:44

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 41:45

Um, I don't know. I wish I think I can't even think about the impression.

SPEAKER_02 41:49

I'm not gonna do it, but I am just wondering, what do you think is my best impression? I'm not gonna do it, but I just want to know what do you think my best impression is?

SPEAKER_01 41:56

I mean, I think you do, Chris Rock. I think you, I mean, when we we read scripts, I mean, the Samurai makes me laugh.

SPEAKER_02 42:03

I can do a good Samurai.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

Will you do Samurai reading Brown Bear?

SPEAKER_02 42:06

I will not. I will I can't I will never do any impressions on demand. I think the only that's the thing. Impressions that I'm very good at, I cannot do on command. If you tell me, like impressions that I know I can, I can do a Jokic, I can do all of them, but it has to be spur of the moment. It has to be something I feel like doing. If you tell me do Jokic, do Chris Rock, do Samurai, I can't do any of them. But later, when we turn off the cameras, if I want to make you laugh and I say something silly as any of them, I'll nail it.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

Can you do any Murphy?

SPEAKER_02 42:32

No. I feel like I could probably attempt Eddie Murphy, but you do a decent sand man, Adam Sandler.

SPEAKER_01 42:39

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 42:40

No, see? I tried to throw I tried to set you up and you just Do you do a Christopher Walkett?

SPEAKER_01 42:46

That used to be the impression of everybody.

SPEAKER_02 42:48

Yeah, no. I've never no. I I think one of the values of any impressions I attempt is I don't go for I like obscure.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

I did Chelsea Paretti once as like an impression.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

Yeah. And it was like I've seen you do a great Chelsea Paretti. That's so bad. And not enough people know who Chelsea Paretti is. So now you're doing bad impressions of people that are not that well known, and that's a recipe for disaster.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

Alright. Let's hear your jokeyard, jokes from the graveyard.

SPEAKER_02 43:21

So I, in conversation a few weeks ago, you're like, oh, that was really funny. And it reminded me that I had an old joke where when I was coming up in Atlanta and I used to perform in the black clubs mostly, I had a joke about this idea of cool white boy number two. Like I very much liked being the only white boy in the token. Yeah, I very much liked being the only white guy in the club, the only white guy in the room. And anytime there was another cool white guy, I would get territorial. And I was like, fuck you, cool white boy number two. This is my crew of black friends.

SPEAKER_01 43:52

You don't want it to become a crew of mixed.

SPEAKER_02 43:56

Correct. And so what I was saying to you, because you were like, oh, that's really funny. Like As a thought, and I was saying taking it less about the specific of cool white boy and a crew of black people, but just in general, anytime you are the token version of anything, and then you see another version of what you represent as the token, it only goes one of two ways. You are either instantly going to be sworn enemies or best friends. You are never going to be indifferent about the number two version of whatever it is you represent. So, like for instance, Jimmy McMurrin, another Vegas comic who is very like me in every way, like a white dude who can rap, play basketball. He's a comedian. We're both married to Middle Eastern women, have two boys. Like on paper, we're very similar. And Jimmy and I, he's like my best comic friend in Vegas. There is a world where Jimmy and I were going to hate each other violently and would never agree to be on the same show. It was only gonna go one of two ways. You can only be instant best friends or instant enemies with whoever is the same version of what you represent in a group of everyone else being different. Now So what's your advice? Do you think that's worth working out?

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Is like uh Yes, but I think so. We s I think putting it in action, like paint the story of seeing. Like you do the you have a bit where it's like then you see someone with another fedora and you figure out who's the Alpha Dora.

SPEAKER_02 45:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

It's very present. It's not like a concept of the cool white guy. Right.

SPEAKER_02 45:22

So I have to tell the story of I'm not a few.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

When I was growing up, I was the token. And occasionally there would be another white guy, which automatically is like, I'm protecting my crew. We don't want to dilute the situation.

SPEAKER_02 45:36

I think back in the day the line I would use was like, fuck you, cool white boy number two. I roll blunts for this crew. That was like the line that I use. So it has to be specific.

SPEAKER_01 45:44

And maybe how hard you've worked to get there. It'd be like, I saw that as an internship.

SPEAKER_02 45:48

That's funny. And then you can like how you have to climb the ranks to become the official accepted token.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

But then he pulls out a blunt and you're like inspecting it to be like, excuse me, you think so.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

He has to pass my criteria. All right, we'll try. I'm at the seller all week, so maybe I'll try to work it out. So now let's plug some.

SPEAKER_01 46:10

That's a good plug. You're at the seller all week.

SPEAKER_02 46:12

I'm at the comedy cellar all week. Two shows, 7 and 9:30 every night, Monday through Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 46:18

Thursday, I well, the May 14th, I'm at the win. I'll be doing like a monthly show at Tro Bond. We're bringing in Fumiyabe and Danny Jollis. So it's gonna be a great lineup. And then I'm at the laugh factory for a whole week. First week of June, right? First week of June, I'll be hosting at the Lap Factory in Las Vegas. And then I'm gonna be at Wise Guys, I think on the 31st, opening up for Yamanika. And that's gonna be so fun. Yes, the 31st. That's Sunday night. And I think that's gonna be a great show. You have other shows?

SPEAKER_02 46:55

If we do, we'll talk about them later. Thank you. We're back. Brian Coles, fuck you. We made it to episode nine, big.

SPEAKER_01 47:01

Episode nine.