Urgant Care 2 for 1 and Comedy Karaoke

Ester and Noah are back on the couch discussing a 2 for 1 Urgent care visit and they invent a new type of karaoke while discussing an exciting upcoming bar mitzvah. Ester tries to unearth an old joke in Joke Yard.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi everyone and welcome to Against His Will, the podcast where Noah doesn't want to be here. How are you, Noah? Do you want to be here?

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I don't, but this time it's not even a shtick. It's not like, oh, that's what the theme of the podcast is.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

I It was never a shtick.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

I know. Well, but there are some times when I legitimately enjoy doing the pod because it's been fun talking to you, making clips, whatever. I just finished up a gauntlet of eight nights in a row at the Las Vegas Rio comedy cellar.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Congratulations. And you're done.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

I'm done with the eight-night run. Until Sunday when I start a new eight-night run. And don't get me wrong, always grateful for the work. Appreciate being at the cellar, but it's not an easy run.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

The Vegas Cellar is seven days in a row, two shows a night.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Seven days in a row, two shows a night, and not the prestige of the New York comedy cellar. It's the same people, and the name carries the same weight, and you're working. You're working with seller level comics, but just the atmosphere of being at the Rio in Las Vegas for a week straight is not ideal.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

So what I'm getting is the New York Cellar is to the Vegas cellar as Paris is to the Paris Hotel.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Correct. Correct.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

It looks like Paris. It smells like Paris. They do have croissants. It's just a little more callastrophobic.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

That's a perfect metaphor. But yeah, it was honestly the most challenging part of the week was the EDR, the employee dining room. When you work uh at the cellar, you get a pass to go into the cafeteria with all the dealers and security and hosts of the casino.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Don't they have two different news things playing?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Yeah, they have first of all, there are two different TVs competing. There's a CNN feed and a Fox feed. So you really get to see who from the hotel aligns with what version of reality. But aside from that, that's hilarious. There were there were multiple times this week where when I try to pass time in between shows because there's a 7 o'clock show and a 9:30 show, sometimes I'll go play craps in between if I'm bored. And there would be times when I'd be playing at the crabs table for like an hour and then go get some food, and the people who were dealing me craps had no idea I was a comedian. Then they would see me eating at the table and they're like, What the fuck? You're not supposed to be back here. And then there were also a handful of times where I was playing craps, and then somebody that was at the craps table would be like, All right, I gotta go, I'm going to a show. And then like 30 minutes later, I'd see them in the audience and they'd see me on stage. So when I'd tell jokes about playing craps, they'd be like, Oh, wait, you're the guy that I was just blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

This feels like an episode of hacks that I'm like, I don't know, that's not really believable. What the comedian just goes and plays craps and then goes to the EDR and like I don't buy it.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Art imitates life. But but what I was saying about the EDR, the hardest part of the week is there's a soft serve ice cream machine. First of all, the food you're getting in the EDR.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Everything is soft serve.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

The food you're getting in the EDR, not high quality, not healthy, but beyond eating a gross meal that makes you feel gross, there's a soft serve ice cream machine that I, for whatever reason, could not say no to.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Oh, this is like for me, this is like dried carrot cake, two-day old carrot cake, nom nom nom.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

As a matter of fact, why don't you share the weirdest thing about you, possibly in general, like we all have our quirks, our idiosecreencies. Maybe the number one weirdest thing about you is how you can say no to delicious dessert with no problem. You can say no to chocolate.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

I don't want ice cream.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

You can say no to ice cream, you can say no to anything that 99% of the population would deem delicious. If there is a semi-moist, semi-sweet, like a bunt cake that's been out for two days.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Honey cake from Chabad. Yeah, I will eat that. If you I will gobble it up, I have no self-control. A kind of carrot cake?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

A kind of dry cake with a little bit of sweetness is your kryptonite. Like the one dessert that I can easily be like, get it away on the case.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

I think it's when bread and something sweet combine to make a bad pastry of some sort. I want it so bad. If there's like almonds or walnuts in it or raisins, even better. It should be served at an old folks' home. And I want it. It's true.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Like any shitty version of a grandma's dessert or like whatever gets left at the dessert table of a family get together is the one thing you can't walk away from. Yeah. But uh, but yeah, so anyway, I don't know what it was about the soft serve. It wasn't even that did I eat it, I couldn't stop eating it. And that's the dangerous part of soft serve is you truly have control over how much you're going to have.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Licking your soft serves together.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

It was it was a problem. But anyway, uh, I got through the week. Interestingly enough, separately from the comedy shows, EDC, or not EDC. Yes, EDC.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Electric Daisy concert.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

Yes, I was thinking EDR and EDC, the two things that dominated my life this past week. The EDC, the electric daisy concert, yeah, was going on, and one of the host sites was like sharing a parking lot with the Rio.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

So most people do not know what EDC is.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Uh I still don't know what EDC is other than a freak show festival.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

80,000 people come into Vegas. They do like it's like Coachella on acid. But all electric dance music. It's electric dance music. Everyone's rolling on Molly, everyone's wearing like neon pasties and light up.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

That's what was interesting is at the Rio, you knew exactly who was there for the EDC. You had, I would say, 80% Asian, 20% Latina.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

No white people, no black people going to EDC. It was all Asians and Latinas. At least at the Rio. Fine. I don't know who else was there, but the the customer base that was staying at the Rio and then going to the EDC.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

The cross promotion of EDC Rio was Asian and Latina.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Asian Latina, and then it was all wearing next to nothing. It was a requirement, man or woman, your ass cheeks had to be out.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

You know the whale tail is coming back.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

These people were so scantily clad, and you saw some gorgeous people with incredible bodies wearing nothing, and you saw some not gorgeous people with not gorgeous bodies wearing nothing, all covered in glitter, all wearing some form of a weird hat. Not a baseball hat, a sombrero, a fuzzy panda hat, tinkerbell ears, whatever it was, you knew exactly.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

I saw a Tinkerbell on our way out of Ka. Which I have to say, we we took the kids to the Search of Soleil show, CA. It was great. But I will I was kind of in my head a little bit thinking about some things that are stressing me out. And until there were people that I was like, they might die, they're doing things that are threatening their life. That's when I got out of my head and could really enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Oh, were you actually worried? No. At any point?

SPEAKER_01 6:47

I wasn't worried, but you know, when you're watching someone like balancing 85 chairs on their head, you're like, ooh.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

That's the thing about Cirque du Soleil is they do things that are nerve-wracking. Like they do things that are crazy, and you see it happening, even if you know they're attached to ropes, there's still an element of danger. But I never, for even half a second, suspend believability or think that A, they're actually in danger, or B, that they're not gonna pull off the trick. I have more trust in circus performers than any other kind of performance. If I go see a stand-up, there's always a chance they're gonna bomb. If I go see a live sports game, there's always a chance the star athlete is gonna have a horrible game. Never do I go to a cirque sole performance and expect anything less than perfect execution. And I don't know why that is.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

I wanted to be on mushrooms and I was very sober, but I was like, you know what? This could use a pinch of mushrooms.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

Did you have that thought when you were watching Cirque?

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Yes, except we were at the 4:30 in the afternoon show with our two children and your mother.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Which was why I was sober.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Which is also why shrooms would have kicked it up in the hutch, but the the cool thing about going at 4:30, the hack is it's a huge theater. I don't know. Seems like it's seated at least 2,000. It was like half full, so we bought bad tickets in the back and they just scooted us up. We got like 12 throws center because it was so empty in there that they moved the five of us up there. The boys loved it. It is very fun to watch a three-year-old and a five-year-old witness circus acts.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Although there was one little scene where like the big fat lady was trying to climb, and the two clown guys kept smacking her butt and they were dying laughing.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

The comedic relief of the circus was everyone's comedic relief, a fat woman getting men to slap her on the butt so that she'll walk a little bit faster. And that was the big takeaway from the boys. Not not hanging 150 feet in the air, not death-defying somersaults, or there was like a wheel that they were like running on top of.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

They were like, Did you yeah, I love that part with the smack, they smacked her butt.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Well, they would have loved EDC at the Rio then, because lots of fat butts being smacked on the way out. Uh so what what's going on with you?

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Um, well, we did. Oh, so I had a show at Zero Bond, which is a members only club at the Wynn.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Okay. You don't get to flex directly after me talking about being at the Rio where you throw in members only at the win.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Well, I only did one show.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

All right, so anyway, go on. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

You had 19 shows. I only had one. It was just one show, and I wanted to I want so badly to make this an extraordinary show. So I book extraordinary comedians. They came from LA, Danny Jollis, Fumi Abe, and they did not quite know what to expect. By the way, because of EDC, I was in I was in bumper to bumper traffic. I'm not gonna like harp on it, but I rarely get caught up in bumper to bumper, but we were just like in a parking lot for an hour.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

Yeah, we can skip complaining about traffic. That's not an issue that anyone cares about.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

As we looked out the window, it was like all these naked people, and we're like, oh, that's why there's traffic. We get there and we walk in, and they were like, uh, there's a private entrance, and it was really fun to take friends to this members only club.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

They were like Yeah, free valet with a specific valet only for zero bond.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Yes, and they're like, wow, you look like a mini Deborah Vance. That's my second hex. Uh it's hanging out with Danny Jollis. And we walk into the Zero Bond, and it was really funny. Fumi is still like in his heart of hearts, a horny teenager, and he was just like, Everyone here is an eleven.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Yeah, Fumi is funny because he's the sweetest guy in the world and legitimately so innocent, but also constantly like a horned up 15-year-old in in his soul.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

And we did a we did a sound check, which is something occasionally you have to do, and then we sat there and we were we all got drinks like right away.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Is there anything stupider than the comedy sound check?

SPEAKER_01 10:47

No, no, nothing.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

It's like is the microphone plugged in? Hello?

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Okay, it works by yeah. Can you get here at 2 p.m. to do a sound check?

SPEAKER_00 10:55

That's what I was gonna say. Actually, it's good that people do a comedy sound check because if the acoustics are off, that can ruin the gig. What's funny is when people ask you to come do a sound check like three hours before showtime because it literally takes 12 seconds.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Like if the acoustics are off, what are you how what are you gonna do to change that?

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Cancel the show. Hello? Oh, it's off. There have been a handful of times where the acoustics were so bad at the gig I was doing that we would have been better off just being like, eh, we don't need to do the show tonight.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

But they never cancel it. So we all get drinks and there's really beautiful cocktails, and Danny Jollis gets like a martini that has these lemon wedges on ice with like a thing of caviar, and I was like, is this food? I was so confused what it was. It was all part of this martini thing. So he comes in from you know, driving through Barstow to whatever or Arizona, and then he enters the members only club and just immediately is like caviar and martini, please.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Well, that's what's so funny about comedy is the drastic, the highs and lows, the Rio versus the win members only. Comedians we've all spent decades literally sometimes getting paid in drink tickets for like well shots of vodka or shitty tap beer. If they feed you the comedy menu, is like you can either have chicken wings or nachos. Every once in a while, the universe gives you a gig where it's like open bar and they provide you dinner, and it's like immediately you feel like a shelf and Michelin-level food. It happens once every six or seven years, and so when it does happen, you do have to take advantage. And it sounds like Danny and Fumi took advantage of it.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Yeah, filet mignon and caviar martini, please.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Fumi was into the toro sushi, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:36

And he was like he was like, I never get this, but I'm getting it. So watching him like get a comp meal and like they were like splurging and all that, anyways. So we're all drinking. The the drinks kind of hit hard, and um, I'm immediately like loosey goosey. We still have two hours till the show.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

And I was like, I brought up this conversation of people touching comedians. Now I've heard male comics, like good friends of ours, say that they'll do a meet and greet line and people like credit card swipe and grab and I think a lot of it is fan base dependent.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

It depends on what kind of comic you are, therefore what people perceive you're like offstage. Like I know a lot of comedians who are kind of filthy and playful and inappropriate onstage, but offstage are kind of introverted or want to be left alone, but their fans don't know that about them. So, like, I don't know Jim Jeffries well at all. He might be extroverted in real life, but because of the vulgarity of his act and how drunk he seems for most of his career, I saw a meet and greet after uh Jim Jeffries a couple years ago because Orlando Laba took me, and he was getting growing, like his fans will straight up come and grab his crotch or like pinch his ass and think it's funny.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

So I will say, because we were talking like men versus women comedians, and I was like, I have only been inappropriately touched by other comics, never audience, and that's like the truth.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Never audience, they've never been weird with me, and I also don't do gigantic meet and greets, but I've watched whatever um Jared Freed, women are like very properly like it's uh I would assume that women not inappropriate, but I would assume that because Jared is I once joked that Jared was like the embodiment of a juicy couture jumpsuit. Like he's a male member of AE5.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

He wanted everyone to like do a sorority project. Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

I was gonna say, I would assume that women would come hug up on him, but in like a Jewish sister kind of way.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

Yeah, that was like a camp photo or like a team photo. Okay, like let's all post. Um, but anyways, we were all sharing stories of getting like who's getting groped. And actually, Fumi and Danny shared that their fans get quite handsy. And Danny Jollis has some kind of face where women are like, we can pinch and touch you and grope you.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Well, he's he's very non-threatening. Yeah. And he's not fat or chubby, but he's kind of doughy in a weird. Danny, I mean no disrespect by this, but like he pinches cheeks. Yeah, he has a smushy face. So I get I could see that. What's interesting, you know. No one does. You know I I love nothing more than boundaries. You know that about me.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

You know that the bounderful man. The bounty man.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

I do not like being touched against my will. I'm actually okay with meet and greets after shows as long as people are respectful. My pet peeve, which is often something they can't even help, is chewing. Well, yes, but I don't like handshakes because of the wild card. It's not even the germs, it's the one out of every three or four very wet palms that you can't recover from. And so, like, a handshake is arguably one of the more respectful things a fan can do, as opposed to coming and trying to credit card swipe your asshole or pinch your cheeks. No one's doing that to you, though.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

No, but I have a lot wet, sticky handshake.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

I have a lot of people that will come out and very respectfully be like, great show, I loved it, and they'll offer me a handshake, and the hand is a palm that will ruin the rest of my night, and I can't really react in the case.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

Dirty people, exactly street people. Um, I was just thinking there was one instance where someone was groping you, and it was at a Macy's, and we were buying furniture.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Well, yeah, that that had nothing to do with comedy.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

It just This old lady was selling us a couch and we wanted the discount, and she was like, So what do you want? It was an old Europe.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

An old European woman with an ambiguous accent decided that she wanted all in Noah Gardens where it's an apple.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

And you said, You're okay, you felt safe.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Well, it went from you wondering if I needed your help, like backing her off, to you encouraging me to get her to touch me to try to get a discount. Like at a certain point, it seemed like you wanted me to go fuck this old lady in the back so that we could get a free chase lineup.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

I told my friend about this, and she wants to take her husband, Gunther, to Macy's and have him like walk by to see if she's interested in him.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

I forgot about that lady, but I will just say if the reverse were true, if there were an older man who was touching you that way, it would have been such obvious sexual assault. This woman was groping me an inappropriate amount, but I didn't mind.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

I was we got the discount.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

We got the couch, baby. We got the podcast couch. Look at this thing. What handshake, what handshake? By the way, one other thing I want to talk about going back to the seller, and maybe you could speak to this about Zero Bond. I just got done recording a special, so I spent a year, year and a half fine-tuning these jokes. I was really proud of. And when you're working towards something, you're always excited to go try them out because either you're like, hey, I finally nailed it and I'm in the rhythm of the joke, or you're trying to find the tweaks that work and there's excitement to doing the work to make it as good as it can be. When you start from a scratch, when you've done a special, the only two options as you do shows after that are you can either go up and bomb for a while working out new material that you have no idea if it's actually gonna work yet, or just play the hits. Give people a good show with jokes that you know work that you have no interest in. And that was the option I took. I told myself because I had 14 shows at the cellar, I was like, I'm gonna work out a bunch of new material, and then I got there, and I don't know if I just chickened out or if it was just an indifference because they were paying customers. I didn't want to give them a shitty show. So I played the hits. I did all my best jokes from the last 10 years that I haven't told in years, but I was completely dead behind the eyes. Like, I think the crowd had no idea. I think they enjoyed the show. I had good sets, but I got off stage every time being like, well, that was a real phone it in kind of set.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

I didn't you were like a Broadway performer.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

I did zero new jokes. I pushed myself to work out zero new material, and it's just funny how in comedy there are very specific sets. It's either a work it out set, a I finally got this and I'm excited to do this new material set, or a I am phoning this one in set.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

You're phoning it in, but you're giving them a great. I think that this week was like it was a it felt like a job job. Yes, and there's there, I think it's the difference is sometimes when we performance this creative passion, and sometimes when we perform, we are completing a job. So you just had to do your job. Correct.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

When I say phone it in, I I don't mean I phone in the performance. I sold the jokes, but I hated it from the inside.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

But I I support what you did, and I also think like when we get bagelania up and running, we can start work you're gonna want to work out all these precious, fragile jokes.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

That's what it came down to is I didn't want to work out new material for people that paid money for the tickets. I do think that if you're giving a professional show to a paying audience, you owe them a good set. Now, an incredibly famous comedian can come work out at the cellar, and even if they bomb, people are thrilled because they got to see a famous person working out. But if you're just a professional comedian that 95% of the audience doesn't know, you just owe them a good show, whether they're jokes you're excited about or not. That's that's my stance.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Yeah, Adele can just be like, I was thinking this might be a good song. I don't know what you guys think, and then riff. But if like a lounge singer's like, what do you guys think of this?

SPEAKER_00 20:07

They gotta bring it like it's like karaoke.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Yeah, we want that. But you know what?

SPEAKER_00 20:13

By the way, speaking of karaoke, we are going, I'm not gonna name the family. We are going to a no, we are going to a high-profile bar mitzvah this weekend. A one of my childhood best friends' son is being bar mitzvah, and he is a member, he is a member of a very high-profile Hollywood family where there's a lot of gorgeous voices. And on the invitation, we didn't even clock it on Saturday night for one of the parties. They're doing like bowling and karaoke, which is an inoxidation.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Me, and you are like, okay, karaoke.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

But then you reminded me karaoke with this family is literally going to be like watching a Broadway show in person.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

Walked in to the party.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Do you know how much confidence you have to have to not be a singer and perform karaoke at this family's event?

SPEAKER_01 20:59

It's interesting. Yeah, and you said it would be like doing an open mic at our bar meets.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

Yeah, it would be like if it had Moses' bar mitts, but we just had an open mic comedy night.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Except for you can't read lyrics. If only you could like do Jerry Seinfeld's act by reading it.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

Actually, that's right. That's my texting.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Oh my god. Stand-up karaoke.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

Stand-up karaoke where you just recite other people's acts and you have to do the voice. This goes back to last week when we were talking impression. Actually, that was stand-up karaoke where you just recite.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

You have a teleprompter and you just stand there and read other people's jokes.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Yes, but you have to do it in their voice. Like there's the Sebastian Manascalco, the Jerry Seinfeld, the Chris Rock. That's a good idea.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

For Moses' bar mitzvah?

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Don't steal it, 72 people that subscribe and watch. Don't steal it. But would you do it? I think that's pretty awesome.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Okay. So we'll call up our venture capital people and get it.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

We'll just get our billion dollar investors.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

I'll go to Zero Bond. Eat some caviar martinis and we'll get this going. What else is going on with you, Noah?

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Well, what a natural transition. Uh I tried to pull a two for one at urgent care yesterday.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

The classic.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

I've had two medical ailments over the last week. I've had a random rash under my right eye. It's completely confined to under my right eye. It hasn't gotten worse, but hasn't gone away. And then I had a little flare-up with the prostate when you're 42. Sometimes you're not.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

I've been faithful. I've been faithful.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

It's not an STD, just an active prostate that got a little swollen, so I could tell there was a little something wrong down there. And both the urologist and the dermatologist were several week-long waits, and I really didn't feel like waiting. So you encouraged me to go to urgent care. So I just signed up. And when I went back there, they were like, So what's wrong? And I told them I have a rash under my eye and I think my prostate is swollen. And they said, We can't treat you for two things in one visit. So I had to prioritize it. It was the Sophie's choice. They were like, So which one do you want us to treat?

SPEAKER_01 23:06

And I was like, can't you walk out and walk right back in?

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Well, they would probably just double charge me, like, yeah. Double charge me. And so I went with the prostate. I was like, I was like, all right, I'll throw hydrocortisone under my eye and hope that it goes away. And but it was just funny that like I tried to pull a two for one and they were like, Yeah, I can't give you double medical advice, both of which were probably going to be wrong because it's just an urgent care. But ultimately, I just got a prescription of antibiotics for the swollen prostate, and I'm hoping that the eye goes away. I don't know if that was worth it, but I thought it was funny trying to pull it.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

That's a very funny that they only want to treat one thing.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

Right. Well, also, and that they asked me which one it was, as opposed to like giving the professional medical opinion of they they literally weren't like, Well, you've got two things wrong, but here's where I would advise you. Heads or tails. Basically, they were they just essentially were like, you can pick one. You have two things wrong, I'll talk to you about whichever one you want, you pick.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

I've got a bullet wound and my eye is itchy. All right, pick one. Sorry. We can only do it.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

I'll fix the bullet wound on my own.

SPEAKER_01 24:07

Um, and they weren't like, sir, I'm gonna need you to make an appointment five weeks from now at a real doctor.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Yeah, no, nothing.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

It was just it reminds me of my weed doctor.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Is an eye or prostate? What are we talking about? You choose.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

In LA, you used to have to get you used to have to go to the doctor's office to get a prescription for weed in order to buy weed at all. There was no like recreation. So I went to the doctor's and you sign up, you pay, and then you go in and it's an uh fake doctor with a little iPad on it. It's like a scarecrow with an iPad. And it was like a doctor on the iPad being like, Are you okay? And I'm like, have trouble sleeping. He's like, Great, here's weed. But it just reminded me like medical shit is going awry. All of the doctors are becoming concierge. The urgent care.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

You know what? I think doctors have been pushed to the brink of too many clients coming in saying they Googled it on WebMD and this is what they think is wrong. They're like, fuck you. If you want my real opinion, you're paying a thousand dollars a year just to be just for the privilege of being seen by my practice.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

I don't blame them.

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Otherwise, go to urgent care where they'll fix your eye and prostate in one fell swoop.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Um, all right. Let's do this week in Vegas, unless there's anything else you want to talk about. Oh, one one other thing I I remember you wanted to talk about last week, which we didn't get to, but we could bring it up this week if you want, is we went and saw David Sederis.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

You know, you get advertisements all the time for what's going on in Vegas, and of course, I see David Sederis, so I was so excited. I opened up.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

It's funny that that's what stuck out to you for all the things that are going on in Vegas. A David Sederis reading, which is basically like an MPR sit-down.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Exactly. And I was like, we're gonna get front row tickets. So we got front row tickets to David Sederis, like it was a rock concert.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

And we got there and both of us look at each other, we're like, What's he gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 25:53

You know, let me just say, just like at EDC, whether you were a man or a woman, if you were going to EDC, you had your butt cheeks out. David Sederis, whether you were a man or a woman, a lot of gray ponytails in the world.

SPEAKER_01 26:06

A lot of bifocals, gray ponytails, a lot of gray hair. I was like, I gotta go gray for this.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

A lot of cardigans, bifocals, and gray ponytails in the audience. A lot of whites. Super psych. Oh, a lot of whites.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

But it was a beautiful theater. It's the Smith Center. I don't think either of us have seen a show there. I don't know that this is qualifies as a show.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

And it's also so long since we've gone just as viewers to a show. Like that didn't involve bringing our kids as something we're trying to have them experience. Like you and I just going to consume another artist as audience members without any kind of connection to the performer. We haven't done it in a while. And to get front row tickets was kind of funny.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

He hurt the neck a little bit. I will say, front row. Can I complain about front row?

SPEAKER_00 26:50

Not the place to well, I think I think there's a reason the front row tickets were cheap.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

It was a little, a little hard.

SPEAKER_00 26:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

But it was such a fun show. I I enjoyed he did his reading. Do you think that what he read was in his book, or he said this is what he wrote since he wrote the new book?

SPEAKER_00 27:09

He did a mix. There was so he has a new book to promote, which is why he's doing this, which is why he's doing this tour. And he read, and he would announce, he was actually good about that. He would say, This is an upcoming chapter from my book, and he would read something that's in the book he's actively selling, and he'd be like, Here are two things that I've written since, and here's one that I'm not doing anything with. Here's a diary entry. He recommended another book of a new young writer that he really enjoys and read a chapter from his book. So, in general, he just read for about an hour and 15 minutes, but he's an engaging reader, he's very funny, and then he did a little QA and you got to ask a question. So you that was a big highlight for you. But more than anything, I was inspired by how many tickets he sold. That was unbelievable to see someone who is just a writer sell close to what seemed like 3,000 tickets for people who just wanted to hear him, beautiful venue out loud.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

People pouring in in line for drinks, like it was it was this whole hoopla, and it was a tiny man wearing a kimono and standing at a podium, taking sips of water, reading excerpts from a book. He was excellent, though.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

It was interesting to me. I had never heard his voice. You because you read by listening to books on tape, I actually read by reading words in front of me.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

That that reminds me of books on tape.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

I've consumed David Sederis strictly by reading his work, so I had no idea what he sounded like. And his voice wasn't far away from what I guess I would imagine based on what I knew about him, but it was still different than what I expected to hear.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

I knew his voice very well. I was obsessed with holidays on ice, and I've listened to him a lot. So I don't know if you consider it reading.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

I don't. We've talked about this.

SPEAKER_01 28:54

On the drive to LA that we're gonna do. I love to audiobook on a long road trip, like some of the best books that I've consumed.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

I've done it on audio. I'm an amazing I in I receive information by listening. It's what I do.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

That's fine. It's just not reading. Uh all right, let's do this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

So I read in Vegas, and this is so cool. You can pay for parking tickets if you donate school supplies, unopened school supplies. That is a great way to handle that.

SPEAKER_00 29:39

It it is so refreshing to hear of an effective way to pay for parking. Normally it would just be misappropriated tax dollars for it to go directly to school funds. Teachers need it, underprivileged schools need it. Good job, Vegas. As a matter of fact, I might go out and get a parking ticket today just to support this initiative. I think that's great. It's creative, it's effective. I wish more government operations worked in that way where they linked a direct cause benefiting from whatever the penalty is. I think that's a great idea.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

They're like, hey, we saw you got a speedy ticket. Would you like to donate some orange cones?

SPEAKER_00 30:18

No, it'd be like public intoxication. Now you're going to read at a children's library.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

No, you have to put the library books back.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

That's so funny. Um, but yeah, I I think that's great. I like that idea a lot. Um, that's what I got. I also would love to.

SPEAKER_00 30:37

Wait, but did did they specify how much you need to donate? Like, can you get a $135 parking ticket and just bring in a pack of mechanical pencils, or do there or does there have to be?

SPEAKER_01 30:47

I really have to do some more research on exactly what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 30:49

Because also, if you can't, now I'm starting to go the other way where this is kind of nefarious. Like, if you can't bring in specific items, if it's just like, oh, bring in $50 and we'll donate it to teachers. Now I'm like, eh, they're stealing that money and the kids are never gonna get those products.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

I don't know. NBA arena proposals.

SPEAKER_00 31:09

I mean whatever we've got EDC wins.

SPEAKER_01 31:12

We had some crazy wind. I thought the house was gonna blow down. No, you don't want to talk about the wind? What about earth and fire?

SPEAKER_00 31:21

Hard faster.

SPEAKER_01 31:22

There's fires in LA right now. We might not even go.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

We're going. You think I'm gonna miss this celebrity karaoke? Get out of here. I'll drive through fire for it.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

Earth and wind.

SPEAKER_00 31:33

Fun fact about Noah Garden Swords. Never once participate in karaoke. I have never once sang karaoke in public, but I do love consuming.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

You love singers. I love singers.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

I'm moved by singers. I hate bad singers, but like good singers, good amateur singers, discovering the hidden gem of a voice, the talent of someone who no one knows can sing, and they just belt out a beautiful song brings tears to my eyes every time.

SPEAKER_01 32:01

We're about to see someone sing natural woman in a way that we've never heard before.

SPEAKER_00 32:05

Have you ever heard natural woman performed in a synagogue? Yes, actually. That's why I bought mitzvah. Um, all right.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

What about your news story? You had a news story on Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

No, I didn't. Once you told me pay for parking tickets with school supplies, I was like, that's the story. That's I think that might be I think it might have taken us 10 episodes to get an actual newsworthy story from Vegas. Are you kidding? Yeah, we really bullshit our way through this week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

Because it's a bullshit city.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

I I'm aware, but I'm saying this was legitimately good. So I don't have anything to add or try to one up you with a this week in Vegas. What's which of the EDC butt cheek wing expanding?

SPEAKER_01 32:47

You know, the hard rock, as I was driving Fumi and Danny through to this trip, they were like, What's that giant guitar?

SPEAKER_00 32:56

What do you think that giant guitar is? No matter what city you're in, if you see a 70-story tall guitar being erected, it's only one thing. Obviously, a hard rock hotel.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

He was like, That's a good song.

SPEAKER_00 33:11

Yeah, okay. What else could it be?

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Um, and now no doubt is that the sphere.

SPEAKER_00 33:19

Stop trying to force Vegas News into the segment beyond you're not gonna be paying for parking tickets with all in all, all in all, Vegas News is what it is because Vegas is Entertainment Capital of the World, baby. Entertainment capital of the world.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

I was trying to tell someone that the reason Vegas is so fun is because there's always shit going on in the world, there's always bad things happening, there's always craziness, but there's also always someone turning 70 and someone having a birthday party and a bachelor party, and we need a safe oasis to ignore any trouble in the world and just come celebrate what you're celebrating without having to apologize to the world for feeling happy while so many are in pain and so many people are dead. It's just it's my 70th birthday and I will fucking see Garth, bro. I want to see Garth. Blaming all my roots.

SPEAKER_00 34:18

No, no, no. You are not doing that. I'm gonna talk this for karaoke. I am telling you right now Can I do karaoke? I was just about to say this is a boundary I am putting down. You will not be performing karaoke at this. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. And I'll wake up and leave it and I'll step outside. Don't bother me about seeing karaoke, but if you want to go up there and embarrass yourself after Tony Award-winning performances, by all means.

SPEAKER_01 34:42

I think I will stick with karaoke jokes.

SPEAKER_00 34:45

If you want to be the karaoke equivalent of someone coming up to a professional comedian and be like, hey, I got a funny story, you can use this. That's who you're gonna be if you go do karaoke in this family's karaoke night.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

You're gonna be the I got a funny thing, you can use this as a bit guy. Cringe. Mm-hmm. All right.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Uh speaking of, can I use this as a bit? We got jokeyard. Before we get a call from school that our kid is.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

I I didn't look through my phone. I'm sure I could find an old joke, but part of me wants to boycott jokeyard as a penalty to myself because I spent the last nine or ten episodes having jokes that I could have worked on, and then when push came to shove and I had a stage to work them out, I did none of them.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

Do you want me to edit together all of only your jokeyards?

SPEAKER_00 35:32

So that I'll have the proof that I can just continue to ignore.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

I'll do a premium just know it jokeyards.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Yeah, I'm gonna give myself a one-week penalty. I don't deserve to get to work things out on the microphone because when I had an actual stage, I was a lazy job. No, I'll just tell you why your joke doesn't work. Go on, what's your joke here?

SPEAKER_01 35:54

I don't think we've talked about this, but my dad loves to talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

We talked about it. I'm just joking. No, you just started my dad, and I was like, yes, we've talked about it.

SPEAKER_01 36:03

My dad. That reminds me that I don't know. I want to do a joke about how like you can get your tits done at the DMV in Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

Sure. That's funny. That's a funny line. That's a funny premise.

SPEAKER_01 36:16

They do that. It's quicker if you make an appointment.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

Um Vegas is such a weird city, you can get your tits done at the DMV.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

In fact, they encourage it.

SPEAKER_00 36:25

And you get your driver's license at the plastic surgeon.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

In fact, it's the only way you can get your license.

SPEAKER_00 36:29

That's funny. That's funny. You have to register your tits at the DMV. They make fake tits in Vegas so big you have to register them at the DMV. Like the way you have to mark whether or not you have contacts or glasses. Yeah. You have to mark whether or not you're gonna have fake tits so big it's gonna obstruct your vision while you're driving.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

Yeah. All right, go on. Are you an organ donor? Which one?

SPEAKER_00 36:50

Can we remove the silicone?

SPEAKER_01 36:52

I'm an organ receiver.

SPEAKER_00 36:54

Would you like to donate your tits should something happen to you in an accident? All right.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

Um, so uh my dad likes to tell jokes and he tells them at people that don't want them. It is really frustrating. If you go to a comedy show and you hear someone making jokes, great. If you are in line to get a bagel, you did not sign up for a comedy show. And I have to corner my dad sometimes and be like, stop telling jokes. I don't want to hear it. No one wants to hear it. The grocery person, the person bagging your groceries, doesn't care or want to laugh at your jokes. That's what it is. Is he's waiting for them to laugh. And I'm like, this sucks for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

And I say Which is funny because you have the inability to not tell jokes. You're funny, so your jokes are good, but you also don't have to be a little bit more than a lot of jokes.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

Like, I'll say something sarcastic and just and then I'll talk to myself.

SPEAKER_00 37:43

I'll be like, How many times, how many times in social settings do you see me grimacing as I see you launching into conversational material? Yes. Well, when I'm trying to be credit card swipe you when I'm trying to be cooth without being disrespectful or interrupting, if I feel like you're taking too much oxygen in a conversation, if we're like at a dinner, I will politely and gently place my hand on your leg under the table, which is my very sweet version of shut the fuck up.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

And then I look at him and go, You missed my clip by four inches.

SPEAKER_00 38:16

That's a fun bit. That's a fun bit. All right, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

So my dad being annoying and telling jokes, which I have also, maybe it's about me. I said, That's like going to the DMV and you're a football player and just launching footballs at people, no one asking for it.

SPEAKER_00 38:33

I think you need a funnier example.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

For sure. I could feel that.

SPEAKER_00 38:37

So you're really hung up on the DMV. There's something about the DMV that wants to work its way into your material, right?

SPEAKER_01 38:42

No, it was because I was the original joke that wasn't really working, was it's like a football player going to the DMV, and then when I said DMV in my head, I brought up the tits at the DMV. Let's get away from the DMV.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

I think the the premise being my father likes to tell jokes at people while they're doing blank rudimentary tasks that shouldn't involve having to be a comedy audience works for that. I think the X's to X is Y is to Y will work perfectly, but I think DMV and a football player throwing footballs are both the wrong examples.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

What about uh someone cutting hair at church?

SPEAKER_00 39:22

Sure. I mean, you can play around with it. You can you can pick any location and anything that's not supposed to be happening at that location.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Magic at a public bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 39:32

That's better. See, that's funny because magic is inherent potty. That will I think that's where you need to go because like cutting hair, throwing footballs, whatever, neither of those things are funny, but also magic is inherently annoying like comedy. If if someone is performing something at you, I think you did have to choose an art form. So that's good. That would be like someone singing to you in a public restroom, whatever it is, but magic in a public restroom, funny location, funny. Funny art form, funny location. There you go. Pick a card, any card. Uh toilet paper. Yeah, that's I like that.

SPEAKER_01 40:10

Yeah, it's a real killer. It's gonna annihilate in giant theaters.

SPEAKER_00 40:14

Can't we?

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Zero bond is gonna be watering their mouth.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

Your fans are gonna be groping you so hard after you tell them.

SPEAKER_01 40:21

I loved that joke, and you brought up magic.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

All right.

SPEAKER_01 40:26

Uh any shows coming up?

SPEAKER_00 40:28

No.

SPEAKER_01 40:28

Yes, you have a week at the cellar.

SPEAKER_00 40:30

I have another 725 shows at the cellar next week.

SPEAKER_01 40:33

Can you sell the cellar a little bit more so that people actually want to go?

SPEAKER_00 40:37

No, the cellar is great. They bring great comedians, it's a fantastic stage. I love working the club.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

It's just I have a deal I want to make with you. I'm gonna wet my hand and shake it.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

I want you to work out new material on your new week.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Fine. But actually, one thing I do want to plug, and I'll talk about this more next week when we really get into it. But I launched a new YouTube series called The Spreadsheet, where we are taking comedic angle into trending topics on prediction markets. So we're just talking about whatever the trending bets are in pop culture, politics, sports. It's funny, it's silly, but we're actually talking about the bets that exist on these prediction markets, and we need people to subscribe to YouTube. Uh, it is YouTube.com backslash at spreadsheet show. Please subscribe, like, share, comment, all the fun things. Esther was a guest on one of the first episodes. We have a good time. I'm gonna talk more about this next episode because I feel like I actually need to speak about what we're doing with the show and all that. But please, for now, just trust me, just follow youtube.com backslash at spreadsheet show. That's what I want to plug.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

I'd put my money on it. And I would like to plug. I don't think I'm I don't know. I'm all over the place, but I'm con I am consistently posting content. My OnlyFan special is up. There you go, plug that and please watch it, and I will be clipping it like they like the kids are doing. We'll clip it up, but w go and watch it.

SPEAKER_00 42:08

Clip it like a mile.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

Yeah, that's a good one. Clip it like a mile, clip clip it like a mile.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

All right, I'm out, I'm done.