Raptor Arms and the Beeping

In this episode Noah and Ester discuss their misfortune with a lifetime full of beeping mishaps from smoke alarms and other random beeps. Ester reveals a big body change and makes an exciting announcement. They unpack some old jokes from deep int he graveyard of jokes and together try to punch up and dust off this old/new material.

Follow on IG @againsthiswill

@ester.steinberg

@noahGComedy

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hi Noah.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi.

SPEAKER_02 0:01

I remember we were wondering if I was gonna get dolled up for every episode or if I was gonna slip into your casual or if you were gonna slip into like my formal wear, and I'm as casual as I've ever been. But I will say when I looked in the mirror, I felt like these looked like Holocaust pajamas.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Whoa. Start over. No.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

I was trying to get a veto as soon as you got a veto real early on. But honestly, don't you think they kind of look like no.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

What I was what I was about to say is you have the equivalent of a fashion mullet, your business up top, party on the bottom, sweatpants with a button down. That's a good that is a very is that well known I I feel like that should be a well-known term. I I I said it off the top of my head. Like I've never heard anyone say that, but it's also one of those things where you say and you're like, there's no way that's not a thing. But fashion mullet, if not, is a term I am coining and I'm proud of it. That's where you are fashion mullet.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

It's a very Zoom. Zoom became the fashion mullet.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

All of all of 2020, 2021 was fashion mullet. You know how many calls I took in a polo with basketball shorts on.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

But it's I did use the mullet for the Pride Parade. I once wrote a joke where it was party in the front. No protest in the front, party in the back?

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Sure. So there's a lot of mullet twists that you could do on some.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Um we had a Memorial Day weekend, didn't we?

SPEAKER_00 1:27

We did, but are are we gonna just get the elephant in the room out of the way? Are we gonna talk about why perhaps you're more choosy about what you're wearing right now, or is that later on in the episode?

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Later on. This is the clifffinger.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Stay tuned if you want to find out what is going on with Esther.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

In general, the weekend was good because I if everyone's going to Disney, I don't want to go to Disney. If everyone's going here, I don't want I want to go where no one is. I want to go against the wind.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Well, I wouldn't say we went where no one is, but we drove to Los Angeles and the entire drive, we saw all of Los Angeles driving to Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

So And then when we drove back, everyone was driving. It was the first time we didn't hit crazy California traffic.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

We were opposite of traffic the entire way, and it felt amazing to be zooming by on a highway looking at bumper to bumper, going in the other direction.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

That was really bad for anyone who's in good luck traffic.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

I just I didn't feel bad. I just felt relief that that wasn't us.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

So perhaps yeah, we did stop at our favorite restaurant, Knopfnoffs.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

We went and got Knofnoff. We've talked about it early on in the pod. Although I was not happy with it this time. The service was first of all, Middle Eastern place, they didn't have any hummus, they were out of hummus, they let that be known. And then the the girl behind the counter had quite an attitude problem. And to be fair, she's working at a Middle Eastern restaurant that shares space with a gas station in the middle of Barstow. So I understand she's probably not loving life right now. Uh, but I don't think you or I were picky or rude. She just woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning and took it out on our pita.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

What was interesting, this has never happened to me before. She was just like, Do you want some of the spicy stuff? And I was like, Yeah, I'll take like a little bit. I've never had this happen. Massive scoop. Yeah, it was a sheeping scoop of spicy that she just splattered all over the place so that our eyes were watering.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Then I watched her do it to you, and then she did the same exact thing to me. She asked, I said, and because I saw her go aggressive with your scoop, I like over-emphasized just a little bit, just a little bit of spice, and she fucking dolloped me full spoon.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

She was having a day. It hit the day. And then how did we deal with it? Like gentlemen, we powered through the spoon.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

We shut the fuck up and ate our spicy, hummus-free Middle Eastern.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

We our eyes teared and everything.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Um, but yeah, well, so the weekend itself was lovely, and we can get into the weekend, but there was a bit of a crisis before the weekend, which is something that we've been dealing with on and off for I would say seven years now. Our smoke alarms started going off at two in the morning. Um seven years.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

We've only been this in this house for less than one year.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

I know, but as a couple, you and I, for whatever reason, wherever we go, wherever we live, some kind of beeping malfunction follows us. The first apartment we ever shared together in Brooklyn literally, we lived next to like the building's nervous system, whatever that is, where like all the smoke, we we had a basement unit and we were right, we shared a wall with the colour.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

It was a laundry room, electric closet, you know, it was obviously healthy for our nervous system.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

There was something that malfunctioned in a wire with the building's smoke alarm, where literally every three hours on the hour, it would just start beeping uncontrollably. And when we talked to the famous New York landlord who doesn't give a shit, he said it was something about like with fire code, where he could not alter the wires until the actual fire department came out to check, but that he couldn't get the fire department out. And so for half a year, every three hours, it would beep. And I finally learned that if I go out and push a single I I like went in there and just started playing around and found the buttons.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

I was like, take a hammer and we're just gonna break it, and then you can fix it or not for the colour.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

For a year of my life at 3 a.m. at 6 a.m., I would have to get up in the middle of my sleep, push a button, and get three hours of quiet. So that was one thing. Then we moved to LA and we had electrical issues with the AC, and then we moved here, and the house is beautiful. We bought a new house. We're the first people that have ever lived here.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

A list of just fill it quickly. It wasn't just AC. The AC would break, then we had no electricity for three days.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Then the water heater, but that's fine.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

The water heater.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

But this is just I'm not just gonna complain about issues that have happened in houses. People overcome issues. What I'm talking about is specifically the beeping that seems to follow us. So, anyway, we moved into this beautiful new house. We love it. It's on a completely upgraded smart system for the smoke alarms, and it's on the system where now, if one smoke alarm has an issue, it sends a signal to every smoke alarm in the house and they all start going off in unison. So we thought it was just a dead battery issue the first time it happened six months ago. Then when they replaced the batteries and a week later it started going off at three in the morning, they thought it was just a defective unit. So they replaced the unit, and then of course, on Thursday night before we left for the drive at 2 a.m., the unit that they already replaced started going off again. So I took out the batteries on that one. Uh, someone came and claimed to fix it, and then we called on Saturday morning to ask how everything was. And your mom, who was staying here with the boys, let us know that they had to evacuate at 2 a.m. because the smoke alarm started going off again in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_02 6:37

And that and she consistently keeps saying that our kids are traumatized.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Yes. Now every time our kids hear a single beep out in the wild, they cover their ears.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

They're like, it isn't fire.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

It's their Vietnam. Smoke alarms are their Vietnam.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Clearly, they've been given sound bites by my mom because they're like, we just want the old school chopper.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Have you ever had a four-year-old and a six-year-old ask for the old school smoke alarms? As if they know what the fuck that even means.

SPEAKER_02 7:02

It's just so funny. They act like they know what's going on. But here's the deal: this is important. If you ever drive by a beautiful new build in a beautiful house, just know that there's a couple inside who's losing sleep because their fire alarms keep going off in the middle of the night. It's like, it doesn't matter how new your house is, how beautiful, how expensive, or rare the neighborhood is, like everyone is dealing with some kind of waking up in the middle of the night from fucking beeping. And maybe not everyone. Maybe it's just we have beeping life.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

I don't think everyone at all is waking up in the middle of the night from beeping. I think that is a U and I problem, but I think it would be fair to say everyone is dealing with something. You never know what someone's going through. Sometimes it's a horrible medical issue, sometimes it's a loss in the family. Sometimes your smoke alarm goes off at 2 a.m.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

We all have something. It's always something.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

But uh anyway, so last week we talked on the pod. We were going to LA for a childhood friend of mine's son's bar mitzvah. Uh, he married into a relatively high-profile Hollywood family full of beautiful singers, and we were excited about the Saturday night karaoke. Uh, and I will say the karaoke came, the famous singer in the family, and his famous husband, who also has a beautiful voice. You went and grabbed them. They came in, they delivered. They gave what everyone at the party wanted. Why don't you go ahead and tell the story?

SPEAKER_02 8:30

The just the part of the story was that there was a karaoke. We were told it was bowling and karaoke. Obviously, I hate bowling. Karaoke, I love it was a bunch of seven-year-old girls dominating the karaoke, doing K80 Perry, and it was not great.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

That's what I was trying to get at. Everyone was excited for karaoke. You have this family full of world-class adult singers. The six-year-olds and the seven-year-olds grabbed the mic early on and would not relinquish. And so it was one of those things where at first everyone came in and played along and was doing the like, oh, this is so cute. Various parents have their phones out recording their kids singing horribly off pitch, horribly off melody. And then we're like, okay, when in the adults who can really sing and grab the mic. They did one song. The adults with the beautiful voices did one song, and then it went right back to the six-year-olds, and the room very quickly cleared out. And it was a beautiful evening, but the karaoke part of the evening was a bit of a dud because it got dominated by preschoolers who can't sing.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

Two songs. We had a wicked song and a lady gaga abercadabra, which I'm not the greatest, biggest fan of Abercadabra or the Wicked Song.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

But if you want to see famous gay singers do karaoke, you want a Broadway hit and you want a gaga. They're only gonna those two. They gave us what we came for, and then it was really fun.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

But I I had to approach them. They were out, like avoiding karaoke as if it was me and you, and there was an open mic happening. Correct. Avoiding it, and I said, Hey, there's a situation in the karaoke room. And he was like, What? And I was like, the seven-year-old girls are really killing the vibe, and we need a we need a vibe switch. And so I felt really proud of myself that I was able to.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

You don't know this guy. It's not like you're an old family friend that had a relationship with him. You just cold called him.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

And then I was like, by the way, you stole your part in the movie that you were in. And I was I revealed that I do know.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

You stole your part in a good way, meaning you stole the show. You stole the scene, you were great, not like, hey, that part belonged to someone else and you stole it.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

No, no, no, stole the show.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

Um, but one more last thing before we go on. Do you think the AC is gonna be an issue in the audio?

SPEAKER_02 10:43

No, I think the smoke alarm would be.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

Do you did I nail that? If I do a beep, will you tell me which apartment?

SPEAKER_00 10:53

That was Decatur. That's Decatur. That's Decatur Street in Brooklyn. That was good. That's this house. Um I feel like the boys I like want to run for cover. I like broke out into a sweat as you were doing the very for their birthday.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

Can I get them a shirt that says stay calm, our family is cursed with peeps?

SPEAKER_00 11:14

Like the keep calm and carry on. Keep calm, it's just a smoke alarm. Yeah, sure. Go for it. Um, all right, so I don't want to dance around anymore. Let's talk about what we need to talk about.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Last week, I was getting ready. We were gonna film and get ready, and I wasn't allowed to eat because I was gonna go under anesthesia so that I could get my girls done, as they call it, they on TikTok and you got a boob job.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

You are dancing around. What I just want you to let the people know for anyone who's watching, and why you're dressed in a sort of baggy button down, you got a boob job. And I feel like I have to clarify was not instigated by me. I did not request for you to get a boob job. I am fully in support of what you do or don't want to do to your body in any case.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Just admit who you are.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

I'm an ass man. You got your tits done for you. I'm a take guy. I have never cared about your boobs one way or another, and I mean that lovingly. Before you had kids, when you seemingly had great breasts, I never noticed because I was an ass guy.

SPEAKER_03 12:22

I didn't notice her boobs.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

I was staring at her butt.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

And after you had kids, when you breastfed two children and grew to hate your boobs post-breastfeeding, I didn't care because I'm an ass guy. And now that you got your boobs done, I think I care a little bit. They look great.

SPEAKER_02 12:38

Thank you. Well, oh well, thank you. Well, I will say going through motherhood twice, going pregnant, and you your body is uh a wrecked car. It is it is hard. I don't want to say I hated my boobs, even though I did, because I still want to stay body positive and I still want to be like, I love them, they're healthy. I don't want my breast like Tignatara says that she thinks that she got breast cancer because she just kept making fun of them and they hurt her and they rebelled. I love my breasts, they're wonderful, they fed my children, but we needed to remodel. We needed a new engine in the car. Uh, I don't know if it's the engine or the hood or the steering wheel. The steering wheel. The steering wheel.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Maybe it was the steering wheel.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

The headlights.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

There we go. There it was right there the whole time. Yes. So as a headlights were out and you put new lights in, and now they are shining bright, baby.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

There's a couple of choices as a mom. You can do the mommy makeover and try to redo it, or you can just own your mom bod and love yourself. And I support both. Um it it's something I'm paying for that I felt like I wanted to do, and I don't really have to defend my choices, but I will say plastic surgery is such a weird vibe because on the one hand, I want to say everyone needs to love their body, and on the other hand, it's like we're only on the planet for a minute. I read that someone who was 35 in 2001 is in their 60s now. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Yeah, that checks out.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

Um we gotta just have a little fun.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

Well, listen, you certainly don't need to defend your choice to get a boob job. Um, and again, even though it truly didn't make a difference to me one way or another, I wasn't waiting for you to get a boob job. I'm not thrilled or upset that you did get one. Just as a man, I do feel like I hit the jackpot in that you went and got a boob job of your own accord and paid for it on your own. Like there's a lot of husbands who have to beg their wife or subtly hint at trying to push their wife into a boob job and have to be like, I'll pay for it. And you went and did it on your own and paid for it by yourself. Now, one thing that was funny is I had to take you in for the surgery. Yeah. And when I went into the doctor's office to drop you off, I felt the stare of a nurse. I felt the judgment of a Las Vegas nurse who has probably seen so many husbands giddily dropping off their wife, being like, Yeah, she's finally getting new tits. And I feel like she was bringing that energy onto me of like assuming that I was a man who was pressuring you into getting your boobs done when it was very much not the case at all.

SPEAKER_02 15:17

And I'm sure that that exists. And I did see a guy, I mean, I've been in the waiting room for a while, and there was this some guy who walks in and is like, Jessica, and they're like, What? He goes, Here to pick up Jessica, and they're like, in the back, idiot. But like, it was also like, use another word besides like Teresa, like use more language than just shouting your wife's name.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Hey, tits, let's go.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kelsey, Brittany, Jessica.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

I would say I I would guess that 80% of the clients who in 2025 are getting 20 Jesus, 2026 are getting their tits done, are Britney, Jessica. Yeah, those are the names.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

It's a it's a lot of like moms just being like, I want to feel good. By the way, I have a lot of I have a handful of friends who've gotten their girls done. I prefer that than boob job. Okay. Who've gotten the girls done, and they s they're all all they're it's them. Not a single person is like, my husband is like there's no husband in this conversation.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Right.

SPEAKER_02 16:15

I as much as you and your boys are betting on sports. How often does your wife come up? That's as often as a husband comes up when we're talking about the girls.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

Well, I feel like that's a new thing, perhaps, and and probably a better version. I'm glad that it's being led by the women. Women's elective surgery should be a choice that women are making for themselves. But I definitely feel like that's probably a new thing where it's like women deciding to do it for themselves as opposed to our childhoods. At least maybe it was just the stereotype of like family sitcoms with like an Al Bundy ogre-style dad. But I feel like of the past it used to be a thing of like men and husbands hoping or pressuring their wives into getting boob jobs, whereas now you're saying it's you and your friends deciding for yourselves to get the girls done, which is a beautiful thing. Now you have got you've had very weird, restrictive instructions on how to heal for the last week. How do they describe it? Raptor arms?

SPEAKER_02 17:11

Yeah, they want like uh little dinosaur, what T-Rex arms where I can't extend my arms. I'm allowed to today, I think.

SPEAKER_00 17:20

But it's just funny because you all week you kept on saying, as soon as I can move my arms, it's over for you hoes. And I think that's a funny thing to say.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

When you're when you get elective surgery, there it okay. Let me just say, you don't just wake up slang, you don't get to wake up with a snatch nose or gorgeous tits. You suffer. First of all, obviously the money, then you start popping pain pills. It created a giant air balloon in my stomach where I felt like I was pregnant and I was super constipated, and then I'm sore and puffy and swollen, and there's bruising. You don't get to slay immediately. You have to fucking wait it out and suffer and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

And no one talks about the husband who suffers silently while you go through all that. I had to be your arms for a week. I had a grumpy wife who was constipated. I had a wife who couldn't sleep because you had to sit up, which meant that I couldn't sleep. And then on one night when I finally got to sleep, as you finally got comfortable and fell asleep, and I finally got to sleep, the fucking smoke alarm went off.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

That was awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep, yep. That's a good callback.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Yeah, yeah. I wish it was a callback. You should use that in your skit.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

Um, I did feel like I'm experienced with drugs in that I'm not new to them and I don't abuse them. I'm like, I love being like a responsible drug fan, but I got a shitload of oxy from the doctor, and I got a lot of money.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Which you're not taking and you won't let me take it. And I'm like, well, let's not let this go to waste.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

Because oxy, obviously, we saw the movie Dope Sick, it's very addictive, blah blah. Not a movie, limited series, but worse than that, worse than being like a drug addict who's like ready to suck dick for oxy pills, which was a great TV show. I think it creates such insane bloating constipation.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

I love that your concern is more of that's such a Jewish statement. You're more concerned with the bloating and constipation than the drug addiction. But either way, I want to get off the oxytopic. I want to ask you.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

Well, I do have one last thing to say.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

What?

SPEAKER_02 19:29

I once, when I was getting the boy done, the nose, I they gave me a volume before you even get the surgery, and you are loosey-goosey and ready to party. And I do think that that's a better way to go into surgery.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

What, on volume? Yeah, yeah, sure. There's a reason they give it to you. Now can we move on? Yeah. So here's what I want to ask you. You remember in the nutty professor when Professor Klump lost all that weight and like instantly went to buy Spandex?

SPEAKER_02 19:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

So he got his new body and he could not wait to show off his figure in spandex. What is your version of the Nutty Professor Spandex? Where now you've had to protect the new sweater puppies, you've got these beautiful giant breasts. What are you looking forward to wearing to show the world? How are you going to introduce your new cleavage to the world?

SPEAKER_02 20:14

So I have six weeks of a disgusting, ugly surgical bra. Again, me complaining, but it is kind of torture.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

I am very much looking forward to my and I am like such a throwback 90s girl. I love a halter top. A halter top that just like with no bra is possibly the hottest thing on planet Earth. Okay. I'm not trying to take pictures and show Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

But if I please, you're not going to hit the gram with the new girls.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

I actually think I'll be like modest mouse.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Are you going to make a post announcing them to the world? Are you going to introduce your girls the way people do an introductory post for when they have a new child?

SPEAKER_02 20:55

Yeah, I'll put up the sonogram with two giant melons and say, I'm having twins.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

Do a photo shoot holding your own boobs, looking down at them lovingly.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

Twins.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

No, I think that I I never knew love until finally the two things that have really completed me, not my children.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

I think I will let people guess, and I maybe I'll do a teaser to the podcast and say, hey, I'm wearing this halter top. A lot of changes going on. You better listen to the podcast, episode 11, spilling the beans on my recovery. And everyone will be like, recovery? Did she what? Did she huh?

SPEAKER_00 21:35

I can't think of a worse, less enticing caption. Horrible word economy, giving it away.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

This is the difference between me and you can chop it. Yeah. But I think the whole I want a black halter top and to be braless in a black halter top with cleavage is truly a luxury you will never understand. And I barely understand.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Are you looking forward to bikini season?

SPEAKER_02 22:04

Yeah, yeah. But I think that there's a restriction for the scars where I like can't go in the ocean. I can't do this. And I'm a little bit like, we'll deal with an infection if it happens. I'm going in the motherfucking ocean.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Were you hoping for a bigger, better reaction than you got from me upon first reveal?

SPEAKER_02 22:23

I didn't really care. I wanted you to just confirm and validate that I made a good choice because I think on your road to recovery, and I've had many moments where I'm like, what the hell did I do? I did the biggest mistake. This is so stupid.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

I will officially not as someone again who is definitively not a breast man. I will tell you, you did not make a bad decision. They look great. I'm actually excited about them. I'm proud of you for doing what you want to do to your body, and I hope that you feel good in your own skin.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

And there's a risk.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

And you wear them in the best of health.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Thank you. There is a risk. People are like, there's breast illness, there's da-da-da. There's people online.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

But here's the thing everything has a risk.

SPEAKER_02 23:04

The problem is, and I don't and I don't even like to manifest this, but like people get in the car, and yet every day there's an accident. We are living in a world where you take the risk, you do the thing you want, and it's sometimes planes don't make it. But we're always on a plane.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

I don't know how you manage to take the joy of new boobs and turn into sometimes planes don't make it. Not all survivors are angels. You're more famous quote.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

Yeah. Um it's just it's just a way for me to be like, sure, there's a risk, but can I take it? And you're a big risk guy. I'm not. I don't like I I don't even know what the fuck the risk is, but there's lots of people on the phone.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Well, anytime you go under surgery, and certainly elective surgery, there is a risk, but I think it was Didn't Kanye's mom die in surgery from bad liposuction. I yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:57

Yeah, I'm done by the way. Never ever again do I want to do elective. I'm dude.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

I I would love to hold you to that and keep this done as proof on the record. No elect no more elective surgery. I don't want you getting anything done. Uh you got a nose job, you got a boob job. Both came out great. I think you look amazing as a result of both of them, but I do not want a wife who then becomes addicted to nipping and tucking constantly. I don't want facelift. I've I've begged you for years, and I'm glad that you have not done lip filler, all these things that you've considered. We are done. You're not gonna turn your face into a science project. You look great, we're gonna stop now. Deal? Yes?

SPEAKER_02 24:38

The surgeon with the boob job, you don't know this. With the boob job, this is such a genius move. You get a complimentary either Botox or fillers. So they are gonna hook you with their hooks.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

But you decline them.

SPEAKER_02 24:53

Uh it's on the it's on the no no. It's on the account.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

We're I'm going to decline them.

SPEAKER_00 24:59

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

I just think it's fascinating that they know how exciting the next procedure is for you.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

That is a buy two, get one free. You get two new tits, you get your lips filled up.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

Yeah, but we're not gonna do that. I want people to I want people to look at me and think, wow, she's so natural and brave. Also, here's a hack. If you think you need to like get your skin, if you have like a freckle here, you don't like this part of your neck, whatever, get your tits done. How? Why? No one is gonna look at your weird neck scar. Oh, you don't like the bags under your eyes? Get your tits done.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

No one will ever look no one will ever look you in the eyes again. There we go. Um, all right, Sydney Sweeney, baby. This week in Vegas.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

I'm still we wa I watched the last episode of Euphoria. We're watching. It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

By the time this comes out, people are already over it. I'm not doing jarring. Of course, but I'm not doing a recap of TV shows. If you want the recap on what's going on, you can watch my show, The Spreadsheet, on YouTube, where we have bets on which character was gonna die in season three.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Not to be confused with the spreadsheet, my new OnlyFans page.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

I'm just that's a that's funny. Um this is so this week in Vegas, the only news I came up with, unless you have something more interesting, the only thing I saw is that there were 87 arrests made over the weekend for DUIs over Memorial Day weekend, which honestly I know it sounds bad to say, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was only 87. If you would have told me Vegas, Memorial Day weekend, how many drunk drivers are they catching? I would have definitely gone over if the line was set at 87.

SPEAKER_02 26:35

I agree. Now, Vegas has also has some like headlines about the housing market and tourism that I think are so fascinating. Okay. Okay. They're both this this is a city that doesn't fit into boxes at all. And so I really enjoy it. So two things feel very not fitting into boxes. Apparently, the housing inventory is high, which is economic supply and demand would mean that the prices are dropping. They are not dropping. The prices of housing is staying exactly the same and the inventory is going up. Very odd. And also, people are wondering what's going on with tourism, and everyone's saying that the tourism issue is that things are too expensive. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:17

So I feel like there's a line that everyone's just holding and being like Vegas is just saying this is what it costs now, whether you want to live here or visit here, this is the bigger We'd rather have an empty, expensive house than give it to you at a reasonable price.

SPEAKER_02 27:31

We'd rather have an empty look at Vegas having a dollar hotel room than give it to you for 200 bucks.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

Look at Vegas having self-respect.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

But we just had AMA awards. We're always having the award shows and the things.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

It was the CMA's last week, the AMA's yesterday. Um, although with respect to you talking about how they're holding the line on the cost of hotel rooms, I am seeing a lot of all-inclusive deals now for the summer where they're offering like two nights plus meals and tickets to a show for like $300. But of course, it's at Excalibur or Luxor, the type of hotels a lot of people aren't going to want to stay at, even if you gave it to them for free. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

A lot of weird things with this economy, and people, and then they just are like, let's build more, let's build a ballpark, and then we'll build a diamond thing.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

I will say, regardless of what's going on with the greater economy, like right now, people are suffering in general. Gas prices are incredibly high, wages have stayed stagnant. So, like, whatever's going on in Vegas for the most part is going on across America, and I actually think Vegas is a pretty good barometer for America's economy in general. But um, I will say, I think with respect to the housing, they're building the houses and not lowering the prices, assuming people come because there are so many things that in the next year or two are supposed to be a boom to not just Las Vegas' economy, but Las Vegas' population. Like we are getting a baseball team, we are getting an NBA team. I think they're fighting for an MLS soccer team. And so I do think that they are like expecting a population boom regardless of what's going on in the greater economy, and they want to have the houses for that boom.

SPEAKER_02 29:05

What's very interesting too is most cities I've lived in, people are buying lots of property to then Airbnb and rent and all the things. That does not happen in Vegas because I think that there's a huge, I'm sure it happens somewhere, but I have not heard a single single person uh being able to do the Airbnb thing because I think there's a push from casinos where they we want our tourists in one little strip.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

Any decision that gets made for the citizens of Las Vegas is made through the prism of what will affect the casinos and tourists. So obviously they are outlawing Airbnbs in Las Vegas because they want people paying to stay on the strip. All right, uh jokeyard. What do you have?

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Oh, okay. So it's gonna start obviously war is on the mind. Um sometimes I think about the Middle East, and you have obviously the two countries that are at war with each other, whichever war you want to look at, it's they're neighbors, they're always neighbors, which means to me, if two people live next to each other, they're gonna be at war. Okay. So you have the two countries neighboring each other, they're at war. And I know this even in Florida because I lived in Tampa. I remember all the rap songs on the radio for like local Tampa rappers sounded a little something like this.

SPEAKER_03 30:36

Fuck Orlando, we hate you, Orlando, you suck Orlando, fuck you, Orlando.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

Wait, was Tampa's hip hop station actually playing local artists as opposed to like occasionally there would be a local artist, and the only thing that they could do was shit on motherfucking dumb Orlando.

SPEAKER_00 30:55

It's funny because I I hear what you're saying, but at the same time, it's not always true that it's neighboring countries. Like America's very actively in war and not with a neighboring country. Los Angeles and New York are in a one-sided war. I don't think New York cares about Los Angeles at all, but LA hates New York, opposite side of the country.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

There's war and there's competition.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Oh, so and you're saying Tampa's at war with Orlando?

SPEAKER_02 31:20

Like America's in a competition, being like, we're the greatest, and we'll just beat everybody. LA and New York is like, who's better? Who's better? But when you go to like Ukraine and Russia, that's a war over territory.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 31:32

Then you go to like Israel and the every single bordering country, that is war with two neighbors. Yes. My mom and her neighbors.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

So actual turf, a shared boundary that someone has overseas.

SPEAKER_02 31:45

I think there's war, and then there's like this is a competition for who's best.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Not to be rude, but what is the joke in there?

SPEAKER_02 31:50

The joke is just me trying to understand war by going back to my well, I'm always trying to this is the world, okay? We could talk about airplane food.

SPEAKER_00 32:01

You're trying to understand war through the lens of Tampa's local rapper Radio Beef with Orlando. Yeah. Okay. I guess there's something there.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

The point is that you put two men, to be honest, next to each other. There it there will be a war.

SPEAKER_00 32:17

Oh, yeah. Women famously don't fight with each other.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

They bicker, but there's not, they're not starting wars.

SPEAKER_00 32:23

So we have multiple levels. There's competition, bickering, and war.

SPEAKER_02 32:28

Now, men, my dad has a bit that he just- You know Israel and Palestine always bickering with each other. Could have be could be bickering over whose hummus recipe was first.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

Well, I'll tell you what, neither one of them had hummus at knofnoff.

SPEAKER_02 32:42

There we go.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

But another callback. King of the callback.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Wait, are we about to announce that my joke from Jokeyard is poopaka trash?

SPEAKER_00 32:52

No. I would say it would I would call a joke poopaka trash if there was a joke that just sucked. Wow. No, no, no. I'm saying I actually meant that as a compliment, meaning that I don't even think you have a joke. What you have is an idea, a premise, a thought that you haven't even fleshed out into any semblance of a punchline.

SPEAKER_02 33:11

What if I made a really witty, awesome rap about how much Orlando sucks?

SPEAKER_00 33:17

Then I would say that's a poopaka joke. No one wants to hear you.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 33:22

No, I just again, I actually think there's something there. I think the premise. I'm not entirely sure what your premise is. And I'm and I don't think you're entirely sure what your premise is.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

Anyone who's neighboring, anyone who shares a boundary will ultimately be really in a war.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

So I will say that is an interesting premise. I'm into it. I like it. It's not pubu caca. I like the idea behind where you're getting at. I don't think you even have this any form of a punchline yet, so I can't judge.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

So let's hear you do it.

SPEAKER_00 33:54

It's not my joke. It's not your joke either, because there's no punchline. But I like where you're going.

SPEAKER_02 34:00

What it is, is it's not it's it's not a stolen joke. It's not.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

You know what? You know what I think? I think you need something funnier than Tampa vs. Orlando. I think you can start by you look at the world today. I've noticed, of course, anytime someone shares a bolder border, ultimately there's going to be war. And then you can start with Israel, Palestine, Russia, Ukraine. So you give these very big, bold, depressing examples, and then you move on to my mom and her neighbor. That's kind of funny. And then I don't know that Tampa, Orlando is going to resonate with enough people, nor do I think most Americans are smart enough to realize how close Tampa and Orlando are to each other in Central Florida. But I think if you can go my mom and her neighbor, that's a funny example to like break down going directly from warring nations to something happening in your personal life, and then find some kind of again. I'm just riffing here, this is going to be a shitty example. But if you did like Menchie's Yogurt Land, like something innocuous where it's two things that are at war with each other for no reason, they're both kind of silly, happy places.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

Alright, so not a good joke.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

Not a good good premise. Oh not a good joke. I'll workshop it. Okay. But again, I don't even know if you care enough about that to Yeah, sure. Go for it. I'm not here to discourage you. You got new tits. You can do whatever you want.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

Yeah, I don't I definitely want to have the personality of a flat-chested girl.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Oh, you don't you don't want to let new boob big cleavage confidence take over and affect your comedy negatively?

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Oh, also, I have a bunch of jokes about clown tits, and I'll just be honest, they're a little bit bigger than I expected them to be.

SPEAKER_00 35:43

Which they do it's fine. They look good and natural, though. Like you got the kind of breast implants that don't look like obvious breast implants, which was your biggest concern when selecting a doctor. You didn't look at it. You didn't want the round beach balls. All right, uh, so for my jokeyard. Again, the this is not a good joke. It's not something I'm excited about, but I was working the cellar last night, it was Memorial Day, and the host asked if it was anyone's birthday, and there was someone whose birthday it was, which gave me entrance into my very old joke where they were talking about having Memorial Day birthday, so I got to sympathize with having a birthday on holidays. I'm a Christmas baby, so I have a whole joke about how someone couldn't believe a Jew was born on Christmas, blah blah blah ha ha ha. Jesus was born on Christmas. He was Jewish yet. Correct. So anyway, I was going through my notes, and one like add-on to that joke that I never used was the other response I get when people find out that I'm born on Christmas is some people try to blame me, like, oh, you're trying to upstage Jesus. Like, oh, you think your birthday matters on Christmas? And I was saying, I had a joke in there, like, we don't do that with any other date. Like, if someone was born on March 3rd, you wouldn't be like, oh, so you think you're better than Alexander Graham Bell? And then you could be like, Well, I'd love to call and wish him happy birthday. And you know why I can do that? Because he was born.

SPEAKER_02 37:02

Did you did you know that his birthday is I think I looked up.

SPEAKER_00 37:06

I think I think when I had the joke idea, I just chose Alexander Graham Bell as someone who is not nearly as important as Jesus, but someone who's like clearly a famous name from the past, and then I looked up his birthday, and I believe it was March 3rd. So I saw it in my notes. I must have looked it up because like hold on.

SPEAKER_02 37:24

The world views Christmas as a Christian holiday more so than just Jesus' birthday. So I think you can do like 420. Are you trying to upstage this holiday?

SPEAKER_00 37:36

Oh, you're saying as opposed to the person it celebrates, the idea that it celebrates. Oh, so like someone was born on April 20th. Oh, you think you're more important than weed?

SPEAKER_02 37:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:46

Man.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

Trying to get in the way of my bake out session.

unknown 37:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

Yeah, I get. I get so to be perfectly honest, I pulled that joke up to have something to talk about in Jokeyard. I could care less about this joke.

SPEAKER_02 37:59

I like it.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

Nor am I interested in developing it. But do you really think there's something there?

SPEAKER_02 38:03

I think there's something there if you do holiday and not birthday, and if you pick a really funny holiday.

SPEAKER_00 38:08

Well, it has to have something to do with the birthday because the whole setup for the joke is that your birthday is on a holiday.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

No, but I'm saying Jesus' birthday.

SPEAKER_00 38:16

Got it, got it.

SPEAKER_02 38:17

Instead of G it's your oh, you were born on 420. Like, come up with a really funny.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Come up with an important date. What are you trying to do? Right, like you're born on Valentine's Day. You think you're more important than love? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 38:35

That's that's actually where you should go with it. Uh St. Patrick's Day. Oh, because we shouldn't be drinking and wearing green.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

Okay. Maybe I'll try it this week at the cellar.

SPEAKER_02 38:47

Obviously, being born on Christmas is the least relatable material of all time because it is the least birthday of all time.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

But last night when I did that, it almost never happens. But last night when I did that, there was a woman who was born on Christmas that shouted that out, and then I got to go on a fun riff. I'm not a crowdwork.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

Did she try to steal your thunder?

SPEAKER_00 39:09

She I asked her if she was Jewish, and she was like, no. She like very aggressively said no. So then I got to go into a fun riff exploring what religion she was. And maybe I'll put that out on a crowd work clip. Probably won't because I'm too lazy to get it, edit it, and post it. But I had a fun moment in the room, which I very rarely have. Um, all right.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

So, anyways, you need to hang out with a Jehovah's Witness so that you can be like, good, it's your birthday. We don't celebrate anything.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

Where are you next? What do you want to promote? What do you have going on that you want to let the people know about?

SPEAKER_02 39:40

Zero bond on June 16th. And then I am kind of focusing on I really have to create some dates on the East Coast because we are doing. Oh, I'm committed to making a wonderful summer with my children and going to the house.

SPEAKER_00 39:58

And I don't want to jinx it by putting it out there, but we are hoping. Right now, our calendars are completely open for July and August because we are hoping that we'll be on the East Coast shooting a movie that we wrote with our famous comedy friends that we think is Greenlit. We know we have producer, director, all the right elements attached. Financiers were just waiting for contracts to be signed, deals to go through, so we can finally get the dates on the calendar. But hopefully, one of these days the podcast will be full of a wonderful announcement that we're making a movie.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

Movies are like a relay race where it starts with the writer, and the writer hands the baton off to a director or producer hands that off to someone, to someone, to someone. Yeah, there's a lot of things. Right now, the person who's got the relay baton is the lawyers, which is so funny.

SPEAKER_00 40:44

And so we're hoping the lawyer will cross the finish line, break the ribbon, and we can announce to all 16 of you. Cannot wait. Um, all right. Well, I am at the Las Vegas Comedy Cellar again this week. Two shows every night, Monday through Sunday, 7 p.m., 9 30 p.m. And then also I have started my new YouTube show all about prediction markets. It's a comedy-based prediction market show. We're not trying to give advice on bets. We're just trying to highlight the funny trending bets in pop culture, sports, politics, finance. It's fun. Watch it. YouTube.com backslash at spreadsheet show. I'm really proud of it. We're trying to grow it. So far, the response has been good.

SPEAKER_02 41:25

Uh so again, comedy, spreadsheet comedy.

SPEAKER_00 41:29

Watch it.

SPEAKER_02 41:29

Do I'm at the laugh factory for seven days.

SPEAKER_00 41:32

There you go. You do have shows on the books.

SPEAKER_02 41:34

I think the first week or second week of Yeah, whenever you finally remember what dates you're there.

SPEAKER_00 41:39

You're at the Laugh Factory at the Horseshoe in Las Vegas. All right. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 41:47

My Raptor Arms.