Nervous System Regulation: Self-Care or Social Control?

This week on Rage on the Rocks, Sarah and Lauren tackle nervous system regulation — yes, it's important, but has it become the latest wellness-speak for "fix yourself and stay pleasant"?

We acknowledge the science is real and regulation matters, but we're calling out how it's been co-opted into another way to tell women their feelings are too much, their anger is "dysregulation," and their perfectly reasonable responses to unreasonable circumstances need fixing.

We unpack the commercialization of regulation (magnesium, acupressure mats, ice baths — we've got them all), the gendered expectation for women to stay calm while men's anger is called "leadership," and why sometimes dysregulation is the most appropriate response to a genuinely fucked situation.

From the danger of pathologizing rage to the difference between actual self-care and performative regulation that keeps you just functional enough to keep producing — this one gets deep, gets real, and yes, we still love our Shakti mats.

Key takeaway: Regulate to act, not to disappear.

Warning: Contains strong language, feminist rage, and permission to feel your feelings.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

It's Rage on the Rocks time. This week we are talking about nervous system regulation. And before you click away thinking we've gone full wellness influencer, stay with us, please. Because yes, nervous system regulation is super duper important. Understanding how our bodies respond to stress and trauma really does matter. But somewhere along the way, I feel it's become the latest wellness speak for if something bad happens to you, it's your responsibility to fix it. And you better look calm and pleasant while you do it. So we are unpacking how legitimate science has been co-opted into another way to tell women, because let's be honest, it's mostly women being sold this stuff that their feelings are too much, their anger is dysregulation, and their perfectly reasonable responses to unreasonable circumstances are problems that need fixing. So grab a drink, settle in, and let's rage about why just regulate your nervous system might be the new. Just calm down. Hey Lauren. Hi, how are you going? Oh, pretty fabulous. I'm feeling a bit regulated, but I do have a drink in my hand.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

So that's really good. What are you drinking?

SPEAKER_02 1:22

Today I have a Bombay gin, Bombay Sapphire, and I have it in some very special Scottish whiskey glasses that I got all the way from Scotland about 25 years ago. And I love drinking from them. The glass matters.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Proper sized ones. And proper sized ones. I'm having a heaps normal non-alcoholic beer this afternoon. It's I actually quite like it. You know, I often dabble in non-alcoholic versions of alcoholic drinks. I'm most often really disappointed. But um I'm feeling quite dysregulated and discombobulated today. Just, you know, life. Things happen. It's been one of those days. And um and yeah, I'm looking forward to getting into it.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

Maybe you need to get those pads you put on the bottom of your feet and it sucks all the toxins out and it'll help you out.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Yeah, the ones that apparently you just put them in water and they still turn black. Is that the ones you're talking about?

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Yeah, those ones.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Awesome.

SPEAKER_02 2:24

Awesome. Well, here we are. Today we're going to talk about regulation. This baby was all yours, and I'm very pleased that you've brought this one up. Can you kick us off?

SPEAKER_00 2:36

Sure. Look, it's another one of those subjects where I'm kind of down the middle of the road on it because I do a lot of things that I would say are about regulating my nervous system. I'd say I'm quite in touch with that. And I've done a lot of things, particularly over the last 12 months, that have been around restoring this kind of sense of safety in my body. And so I understand uh nervous system regulation from that point of view. But I just see more and more people talking about it. And you know, when you're doom scrolling and it's either like whatever Donald Trump is now doing or Cash Patel or not doing, or it's all these people that are doing all this fabulous nervous system regulation because apparently that's now the panacea. We're just we're just dysregulated and discombobulated. And we can fix it with magnesium and just to list the things that I have personally. I've got topical magnesium, I've got magnesium that I take at nighttime, I've got my accupressure mat, I've got all these things, and it just got me thinking about it. I I definitely think that there is a lot to be said for nervous system regulation, not dismissing that at all. But I just see this commodifying of it as the kind of latest wellness trend that doesn't actually get to the guts of what nervous system regulation actually means and actually serves as a bit of a silencer for women. And the more I thought about that, the more I don't know. I just think we don't sit in our rage enough. I mean, you and I do, but I think generally we don't.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

No, is it an area that many of us are really thinking consciously about? And let's face it, that's what this podcast is about, isn't it? Sort of bringing things to the consciousness. And like you were saying, the piece around regulation is real. We know, we all know as humans what it what it feels like to feel dysregulated. It doesn't feel good. And we also know that if you have experienced trauma, chronic stress, you know, dysregulation can have a real impact on your life. And the tools that we can use, you know, from the breath work and movement and rest right through to therapy, etc., can be really very important for people to be able to live a functional life. So understanding our nervous system, how it works, uh, and patterns that we're in as well, it can really give us the agency to change things for the better. So our conversation absolutely is not about dismissing the legitimate research around this or the people that are doing really good work in this space, too. This is about looking at where's that line when it comes to not just the commercialization of yet another problem that we've heaped on people. So I don't know if it's as insidious as the beauty industry that creates problems out of nothing and then provides you with a solution you can buy, but it's kind of corrupted, isn't it? So there is that part of it. I think there's also the big part of it that we'll get to later, which is around saying that dysregulation is wrong and we should always sort it out because I think there's a few problems sitting in that space. But let's talk about how you know this sort of wellness speak for your feelings are your problem. This sort of this dysregulation piece is sort of code for you're upset, you're stressed, you're angry. And so it's all about you, it's on you to fix this. It puts the burden on individuals to fix something that can be part of the normal human experience.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Oh, it's just so that again, I think both of us would say, well, yes, of course, it's your responsibility. The way in which you express your emotions and your feelings is your responsibility. And if you are noticing that something is seriously out of whack for you, I think encouraging people, you know, take some sense of ownership and getting help with that is important. But I guess where it starts to cross that line is that it becomes this all because of you, and we don't actually ever address the environment that creates that, which could be a really unfair workplace, it could be being in a really awful relationship, it could be a whole number of things where just managing your own feelings and you know regulating your nervous system is not actually making any systems accountable or it's not actually addressing the situation. So it's like you can remain in the same environment and it is now upon you because the reason why you're not enjoying life more or you're feeling angry is because you're dysregulated and that's now your problem to fix. And I think in terms of the wellness stuff, definitely nowhere near beauty industry, that's a whole other conversation for another episode. But when it comes to the wellness industry and seeing more of this, it's really interesting because it's it's not as insidious, but it's really quietly there that it's almost offensive that it like we're now taking more notice of women's mental health. And then that turns into at the end of it, when you are feeling very regulated, you'll be a much calmer, quieter woman, which is the interesting end point because that's that's the image they're selling, right? Is the quieter, calmer woman, and there are genuine reasons for us to express and feel rage.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

It's the new version of the hysterical woman, isn't it? So your anger is dysregulation, it's not a valid response. And as a woman, you must stay calm, composed, regulated, even if you're facing the inequality, violence, justice, because anger for men is leadership. Anger for women is you need to work on your nervous system, you're out of control, you're the angry woman. So there's a definite double standard there. I'd be very keen to see some data on the proportion of regulation commercialism and advertisements that are directed towards men versus women. Keen for that.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Yes. And uh, but I think we would know what the outcome is likely to be of that. And you're right, I will be interested too, but also, you know, let's have a look at feeling anger and feeling rage as a data point for ourselves as well, instead of just having to pathologize it everything all of the time. I say is I'm probably gonna lie on my acupressure mat after this. No, it's just kidding.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

I've been doing it every night. It's been great.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

It is actually genuinely great. So, left turn in the conversation, as I said, I mean, about 12 months ago, probably almost exactly 12 months ago, you know, I got out of a really rough job. I'd had, well, not rough job, rough period, and a very tough job over a long period of time. I had a four-month-old baby. I really wanted to look after myself and get healthy and feel just good in myself again. And I could not face, like I really loved doing weights, couldn't face it, had to go and do some yoga, and I felt like I just couldn't face something that else that made me feel like I was just really stressing my body. And through that period of time, like yoga was really beautiful for me in terms of just getting that connection back between mind and body, and yeah, just bringing that baseline up, down, just readjusting the baseline a little bit, and so I do think that it's really important, and that's why I guess it just makes me a bit mad that I think there are genuine times when this is a genuine conversation, but I think it's now just so prolifically everywhere that it's like, no, the answer isn't always to go out and touch grass, like sometimes the answer is to catch up with a mate and rage about the world because sometimes things are fucked.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

That's true. I'm gonna go there, but I have to say, well, I remember I when I open my YouTube every now and again to watch my late night comedies that I quite enjoy here and there. There seems to be a man that has some kind of business around grounding. So the walking without shoes on grass. And look, I always skip over it as soon as I possibly can, but now I'm feeling like I should watch the whole ad so I can understand exactly what he's selling. What could he possibly be selling? Grass? Nature. Um it's very odd. I'm wondering what I'm signing up to. Yes, but what's he selling to me? Like, I don't know. It's so weird. Just picking up on what you were saying about, you know, sometimes things are fucked. Right. So here's the deal, right? I do believe that particularly in workplaces, it's all about being able to be calm, controlled, and measured. We see signs in shops everywhere about being respectful to staff, which is totally fair enough. No one should uh go to work and be abused totally, but we're getting lots of messages, is my point around staying calm. And you're right, sometimes something happens and it's unjust or it's rude or it's insulting and it's just fucked. And some people are just dickheads. And this implication that we always have to be on our best behavior all the time. We need to be regulating very well at all times in order to meet some social expectation around being Zen is absolute bullshit because there are things happening in the world we should be really angry at. Absolutely, yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

There really is, yeah. Yep. And I think that for those who don't live up here, we live in the Northern Territory, I think there's often things that make us feel very deep feelings. And it should, it's a natural response to just things that happen in the world that are unjust and unfair. I totally agree with you. And I think when we were talking about this last night, and we you made the point about though that you know, we're telling kids to be regulated, and there's plenty of adults that are not. So again, it's like let's normalize there being a place for robust discourse and rage and collective anger and desire to make things better, but we can still do that in a way that is respectful and you know that we remember that we still have children that are watching how we model those behaviours. And I do think that's really important because it's not about again, it's not about saying to children, you can never be angry. You have to just put up with unjust situations in your life and just smile and deep breathe your way through it. That's not what we want to teach our kids, but we've we're teaching our kids two ends of the spectrum. It's like people just flying off the handle and being utterly just dicks all the time, online, everywhere else, raising small kids, or you know, people who are trying to teach their kids that it's all just about being gentle and kind and happy and polite all the time, which it's also not.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

No, I mean, you're absolutely right there, and also that space around, and I'm thinking particularly workplaces too, that are we told to regulate so we don't make others uncomfortable. And it just took me straight back to a thought I had in a previous job that I've had where my manager took me aside one day and had given me some feedback. It was labeled as, I don't consider it feedback because it wasn't specific enough for me to be able to do anything with, but it was feedback that someone found me too aggressive in a particular conversation. It was a team meeting sort of situation. Now, I worked in a team at that time of people that were not very animated people. And when I talk particularly about things that I am passionate about, I am animated. And anyone that knows me a little bit, you know, in my professional life, I do research that's all social justice related, that is about human rights. So I get very animated and passionate about these things. So when I talk about it, perhaps there are people that find it uncomfortable. And I was thinking about that moment, going, well, firstly, in a workplace, I couldn't do anything with it. As I said, it wasn't specific enough. It didn't give me the actual language I used or anything. The other point that I thought of at the time that I gave feedback to my manager at the time was perhaps it's about perception. There was a person on the end of that that felt something that I was being too aggressive, uncomfortable in some way. A, they didn't raise it with me in any way afterwards. And B, what if their perception was that everyone should be calm all the time? And so my question is: if I'm working in a situation where we're dealing with, say, human rights issues and someone's human rights is violated, am I meant to sit there calmly and do nothing? So it's not saying I was right or wrong in that situation, but it was a situation that made me go, damn. I wasn't angry with anyone. I honestly didn't feel like anyone was attacked, it wasn't personal. I got very passionate about something. So that was fascinating. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. Are we uh now breeding a population of people that also can't deal with the discomfort of people's emotions, no matter what they are?

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Well, there's that as well. Yeah. Yep. And are we currently seeing a kind of wellness movement that is saying you don't have to be uncomfortable, you can just go and lay in the park.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

Yeah, I've definitely seen some writings around that, that this very big focus on everyone being regulated all the time can have this sort of insidious side effect because people aren't regulating well. And so when you're not regulating, but perhaps you appear to be, what are you doing instead? Are you masking? Are you avoiding? And so is it regulation or is it one of these things? And if it's one of these things over here, the masking, the avoiding, etc., you're not processing human emotion, and it's going to affect you in some way. So yeah, I mean, that's an interesting point to me as well. And while you're doing that and not processing the emotion and then not actually practicing regulation, you're not building the resilience in that space either. Yeah. I want to ask you about, like, we've touched a little bit on the commercialization piece, um, but let's talk more about it. I feel you've got more to say in this space. Um what what what sort of things do you have that keep you regulated? Tell me. We know about the mat. I've got the Shark D mat. Is that like what you've got?

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Yeah, it is like what I've got. So there are lots of things, including my mat, that make me feel regulated. And I think the thing about the mat is um that it really does just help me to switch my mind off and just focus on the sensation, which I think is really good. But things that genuinely I think help me to regulate are things like running, again, because for some just wonderful reason, it's very hard for me to be overthinking and running at the same time, or I can be overthinking about my running, but not about just life. So um, that getting together with people who I can be vulnerable with is really important to me, and I think that was particularly important to me early on because I just think I'd lost this whole sense of safety. I felt like I was constantly in fight, flight, fauna freeze, and you know that connection where you just know you can be your whole self with somebody and you can feel that full trust, learning to not be hyper-vigilant all the time. Um, those sorts of things were actually really, really, really important to me, getting proper sleep. And yes, I did a I did a lot of breath work. I love breath work, I think it's great in conjunction with a whole range of other things, including therapy and actually working through my feelings with a really good person who actually, you know, we had this conversation about how do you express anger? And I just hadn't. I just I do all the wellness things. The thing I wasn't doing was actually being real about some of the feelings that I had, you know, and you like sugarcoat things. Well, sometimes that's actually really bad for you when you feel like you have to sugarcoat everything, that can help dysregulate you, you know, because sometimes you just have to express things to process them. And I think a lot of us have been taught that you know, whether it's by society or otherwise, that like anger or expressing it in whatever way that looks like is not done by girls and women, and you just train yourself out of it. You sugarcoat things and you do all the wellness things, and you go, Well, shit, I still feel like crap. What's that about? And it's because it's a sum of all the parts, it's not just one thing, it's not one product, it's not you know, there's no one on this planet, I don't believe, that could go pay a thousand dollars for my regulation. Course, and I'll sort you out in a week. It's just I don't believe it for a second. What about you?

SPEAKER_02 22:08

Uh what regulates? Uh yeah, lots of little things. And I've been on this journey more so recently. Maybe it's my age and hormonal journey as well, that I've had to be more mindful about it. Maybe as I get older, I'm more in tune with myself, my own moods and feelings too. And maybe I'm also a massive overthinker. So it's probably all of those things together. But I've found that it is definitely, and I hate this word, a journey. It's a skill or a muscle to be worked out to practice all the time. And sometimes I'm dysregulated and I don't even know that I am until I realize I am, you know, those moments.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

And you know, this sort of general level of even irritability. But now I can put a name to it and it actually is very helpful. So in my journal, I've got a list of things now. So when I think of something that works and helps me feel good in the moment, and it's not about dismissing what I'm feeling. What I always start with is naming it for me. I am feeling anxious. Oh yeah, there it is. And I can tell I'm anxious because it's sitting there in my just sort of under my sternum. I can feel it. And then when I recognize it, I can usually find uh, I wonder why I'm feeling like this. Oh, it's probably because of this. Okay, that's okay. We're okay, you know, we're good, we're safe, we're here, it's no problem. Our body's just doing what our body does. And then I'm looking for these uh ways to be able to regulate. And it's really small things for me going outside. The connecting with nature thing is quite amazing how therapeutic that feels. The sun on my face, amazing. The breath work is huge. I had a night the other night where I was thinking about a lot of things and not going to sleep. I wrote down a sentence about getting something out of my head, and then I laid in bed and did some breath work, and I I don't remember falling asleep. I just went to sleep.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Love that. Some of the reason why we regulate is because we actually address the cause, acknowledge the cause of the feeling, right? And so as even as you were talking, then I think one of the first times I can remember really melting into my acupression mat, which I love, was after a really intense therapy session. And I was one of the first times I just lay in absolute silence for like 15 minutes and it just felt blissful. And I think it was because I'd actually dealt with things and it just felt like her weight had lifted. And then I just went and did the final bit of I've got to just digest that. That was the final piece. So it was it was all of it together. It wasn't the lying on the mat, it was the processing and then allowing myself to digest what had just happened, sitting with it, making space for it, and going, Yeah, cool. Like that was big, you know. We go through big stuff. It's not taking magnesium and it's not gonna do the work, is it?

SPEAKER_02 25:27

Uh, ice bath memberships, um, expensive supplements, maybe. Look, I think some of these things are great for an all-over sort of regime to help us feel good if it all comes together. And it's gonna be really individual for each person. I love a good massage and cupping. I love the cupping, by the way. It's it's a little bordering on uh creepy because I quite love the pain that comes with it initially, and then the relief as they let the cups go. Oh, I'm it's I have to really monitor myself. I shouldn't go too often. Uh could get addictive for me. But I do think we need to find our own things that allow us in that moment, like you were saying, to sort of sink in. It can't happen without the processing of the full range of the human emotional experience. That's what I truly believe. I do think, and I listened to a lot years ago or over several years, a lot of a lady called Brooke Castillo, who's a life coach. Uh, she's American, and she speaks a lot about this sort of stuff and the importance of being able to process emotion and what that actually looks like. And that the goal in life, you know, isn't to be she she says happy. In this instance, we can say regulated. The goal is not to be regulated, the goal is to be able to process the wide range of the human experience so we can participate in life fully and maybe even one day get to a point where this is what I always hope for, where I don't dread sadness or fear, or it's something that I can go, you know what? I know what to do with this, I know what it is. I can just release and let it go through me. I can feel everything, and importantly, I know I'm gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're safe. And you can listen to it and understand because it's a signal that's telling you something, which is really, really super important. You know, yeah. Growing up, my mum always used to say, and this is about physical pain, but like imagine if you didn't feel it. You know, it's it's telling you something and it's really important. So from that, what I got from you just then is that we can keep taking the supplements and be angry. Is that right? Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

That's how it works for me, baby.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

I love it. I love it. That gives me that gives me so much hope. I'm glad.

SPEAKER_02 28:12

Yeah. Oh, look, you know, I love the the shark D Matt. I do get off it sometimes and go, what did I get out of that besides just laying there going, yeah, I'm loving this pain. Like I don't know what's painful. Every time feeling good.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Let's go. I love it. I love it so much. I love it so much. And you know, with that, I think we are not anti-wellness. I think we ever people listening know we're not anti-wellness. We are certainly not anti-therapy, but we are about having the tools, using them properly, processing, and like just stop gaslighting us influences.

SPEAKER_02 28:56

Yeah, I agree. You know, there's injustice in the world, and when there's injustice, that's not dysregulation, you know, that's sort of moral clarity for us, right? So there's climate change and there's economic issues out there, there's wars, there's authoritarianism. Uh, and I feel like in all of that that's going on, plus our busy lives that we have, our bodies actually responding accurately. That is what our survival mechanisms are meant to be doing. And there's a real danger in pathologizing these appropriate responses to situations that are genuinely fucked up, particularly when we have no control over that shit. So we need to feel rage, we need grief, and and sometimes it's activation of those feelings that create the change that we need. Like you look what's happening in America, there's rising numbers of people out protesting what's going on because they feel the rage and they're channeling it. Not very regulated, but they're feeling it. They well, some are, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:03

No, no, there's some are, some are. No, I I didn't mean it to be rude. I follow a lot of them and I think they're amazing. There's some absolute necessary action being taken. So yeah, regulate to act, not to disappear.

SPEAKER_02 30:19

Yeah, absolutely. And then sometimes if you are completely dysregulated and you have the moment, don't judge yourself afterwards. Think um, I've had a few moments like that, and usually it results in me having to apologize to um my children. And uh it happens. Get your shoes on. Sorry, mum lost her stuff for a minute, but you know what? Yeah, I am very sorry. Uh, and this is part of life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, absolutely. Honestly, better than others. Yeah, that's right, that's right. But you know, I think you were right, just sort of summing up that there are really important things that we do need to do to look after ourselves really well. To, you know, this self-care idea, the sleep, rest, community, safety, all of that kind of stuff, you know, making sure that we're doing some of that. We don't want to be stuck in this sort of performative regulation piece. I really like that term, you know, the tools that just keep us functional enough to keep producing what we need to produce. That's that's not regulation and it's not quality of life.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

That's either 2025.

SPEAKER_02 31:33

So 2025. What is 2026?

SPEAKER_00 31:36

That's what I want to know. Feeling the rage it's a bit of a dysregulated cluster so far, I reckon. And with that, I'm off to take my magnesium and rage text my friends. Which will be you. No, we'll be rage texting you later.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

Look forward to it. What what about a glimmer then? Do we have a glimmer, Lauren?

SPEAKER_00 31:59

Uh glimmer, I am going to a music festival tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Just you know, dance and feel the sunshine on my skin and hang out with a girlfriend and act like we're 20 again. That's yeah. What about yours? What's your glimmer?

SPEAKER_02 32:19

Beautiful. Well, I have a quiet weekend. I don't have my girls this weekend. I'm gonna do a little bit of my research, which I genuinely do look forward to. But it's also just very nice to not have plans, actually. I love that for you. Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_00 32:38

Thank you. Should go for a walk in nature.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

I will when I need to regulate. I'm sure something will piss me off between now and then. So text me. I will. I I'm starting to feel dysregulated because my glass is now empty of gin. So it's good timing though. Good time to wrap up timing.

unknown 32:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

So everybody, we vent with hope.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

We really hope that others out there that are on this journey of, I'll say, you know, just journey of life, really. Don't get caught up in the whole we need to be regulated all the time bullshit. Like go do your cold plunges and your breath work and tap your face until your hands fall off. Like, whatever. We're not here to tell you what works for you because there's some crazy shit that works for me, and I'm down for all of it. Speaking of which, we didn't pull a tarot card, but anyway. But be mindful, I suppose, that if someone tells you that your rage about living in late stage capitalism is just dysregulation, then and you can fix it with a $47 vagal toning course, then tell them to go and regulate this, I would say. That would be my advice. Rage on. Rage on people. See you next week.