Nothing Un-Touched
Two girls, zero filters, and all the real talk. Nothing Untouched is the podcast where we dive into breakups, hookups, dating disasters, and everything in between. From hilarious stories to honest advice, we’re saying what everyone else is thinking — and leaving nothing un-touched!
Nothing Un-Touched
Hotel Pools & Poor Choices!
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We trade two wildly different dating updates: Scarlett’s tall, funny Snapchat guy with a missing-tooth twist and Ivy’s chaotic weekend that somehow includes a yacht, a pool party, and hotel hookups. Mary Jane joins us to react, hype us up, and get real about red flags, green flags, and why dating today can feel like a survival sport.
• Mary Jane’s first guest spot and why she’s an OG
• Scarlett’s Tinder to Snapchat match and the “nice beard” pull
• The missing tooth confession and what it signals about priorities
• Free housing under a dorm and the questions that raises
• Deciding when to stop entertaining obvious red flags
• Ivy’s Fourth of July yacht invite and fireworks on the river
• Two encounters in one weekend and how quickly plans escalate
• Performance anxiety and how to handle it without shame
• Faking orgasms and why people do it
• Hotel room cleanup panic and hiding the evidence
• Mary Jane’s take on strippers and modern dating fear
• Standards, strong women, and not letting “Slick Rick” in
Email us, relieve something. Nothinguntouchedpud at gmail.com.
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Welcome Back And Meet Mary Jane
SPEAKER_05Hey besties, you're listening to Nothing Untouched, the podcast where we overshare, laugh a lot, and talk dating, hookups, and heartbreak. And all the messy moments in between. Hi, I'm Ivy Noor. And I'm Scarlett May. Buckle up, besties. Nothing is off limits. Welcome, besties.
SPEAKER_02We're back for another episode. Welcome back. It's another episode. I'm so excited to be here, and we have a special guest with us today.
SPEAKER_05Holla. This is Mary Jane, but just ow!
SPEAKER_04Just my first dance, not my last.
SPEAKER_05So this guest has been a friend of ours for many, many, many years. And I'll tell you why what makes her a little bit special just for the thought, okay? I will tell you this. She is the original. The OG. Uh-oh. The one that said, nice bodysuit, Scarlet.
SPEAKER_00Nice bodysuit, Scarlet.
SPEAKER_05There we go. There we go.
SPEAKER_00There it is. Where's the OG? One of the helpers of get out of there.
unknownGet out of there.
SPEAKER_05Oh? Yeah. She was there. She was there, folks. So she actually knows that that story happened. And um reality. I was there.
SPEAKER_02Can't make that. And the flesh. And the flesh.
SPEAKER_05Anyway, yeah. So it's nice to have you on, Margin. Absolutely welcome.
SPEAKER_04Thank you, Lady. I'm excited about this.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, we're excited to have you. So nice to have a guest. We've upgraded our equipment with the with our uh sponsorship.
SPEAKER_04So especially when she's shout out pulseio.
SPEAKER_02Thank you so much. But let's go ahead, Scarlett. We're gonna talk about what's been going on in your week and go from there.
Snapchat Guy With Immediate Red Flags
SPEAKER_05Well, I have been talking to a new guy and just over Snapchat. I think I met him on Tinder like about fucking forever ago. But okay.
SPEAKER_04He must have been tasty enough to find on another avenu.
SPEAKER_05No, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Tasty. I don't know. Anyway, you know how tall he is? Fucking 6'3. So I was thinking, God, this motherfucker's tall.
SPEAKER_02So you've only been talking to him. You're not actually I've never met.
SPEAKER_05Okay. So I'll tell you. I'll keep going. Yeah. Please do. So he's 6'3. He's actually super funny. Can we get an eight?
unknown37. Oh.
SPEAKER_05Holy shit. He's not old enough to be a big thing. What is going on? Are you feeling okay? No. No, not. I'm not feeling okay.
SPEAKER_00You must have a really good beard.
SPEAKER_05He does have a really good beard. I do like it. I mean, I'll let I guarantee he does have a nice beard. Okay. Anyway. So he's 6'3, 37, never been married, has no kids.
SPEAKER_03Uh oh.
SPEAKER_05Is that a red son you? Is that a red?
SPEAKER_02No, I don't think so. I think, well, it it can be so many things, right? So like it just never worked out for someone.
SPEAKER_04What does it excuse? Sure.
SPEAKER_05I I mean I didn't say well, what's wrong with you? I guess as you look through stuff, was there any flags in that? I mean, I will tell you, like, uh once we get into it a little bit more about him, but I haven't met him. He's in prison. He's been there since he was 17. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So he he only has yard time certain times, so I can only talk. Back out of there. Get out of there.
unknownGet out of there.
SPEAKER_05I see some red flags, but you know, you know. You know. Okay. So for red flag, he works for a college. I think I'm not sure which college, but he lives in a two-bedroom apartment underneath like a dorm.
SPEAKER_02So he's a serial killer.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. American psycho. That's what we're saying? Yeah, I don't know. So that was one. Okay, so first he works for the college and he does certain something for them and he gets free housing. Like an understudy, like no, no, no, no. Like a professional position. I can't remember what it is. But it's like a it's a nice position. Yeah. So they give him free housing. So you know.
SPEAKER_04So he should be rolling around in money then.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. You would think.
SPEAKER_04He should be like throwing money at the five.
SPEAKER_02But red flag number two. He's not.
SPEAKER_05Well, that's another one. So the other one is I asked him to send a smile.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Because again, teeth matter.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_05Teeth fucking matter. And I go, Do you have a nice smile? And he said, I used to. Well, he said he used to, but he said that his dog that has passed away now knocked his tooth. Not another not another one. Oh my god, get it! I know, I know the story. Knocked his tooth out. What is that? But he hasn't been able to afford to fix it yet. What? Yeah, so that I I go, can't you get a a loan or something? You can get something. You can get something alone or any other.
SPEAKER_02So that makes me feel like okay, so so many things, okay? Yes. So many things. So I mean poor. One. No, more like doesn't give a shit about his life. Well, my thing is the picture's even him then. Because that's why he's not wanting to show you his true self through He has sent me Snapchat of his self. Okay. Without here and now.
SPEAKER_05Without the two. Without no, no, no. I don't want to see that.
SPEAKER_02Okay. He just doesn't smile with his teeth. Close mouth the whole time. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, there's a lot going on there. There's there's just so many questions that I have for him and that you need to have for him.
SPEAKER_05Oh girl, I probably already asked me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So I mean, I so he can't afford it. So did you dig did you delve into that? Like, well, yeah. What exactly are you doing with your finances then?
SPEAKER_05That's exactly what I said. I said you don't have any kids. You're not married. You're living under the college. For free.
unknownYou live under. You live under a dorm.
SPEAKER_00You're the phantom of the opera. Wait, wait, phantom of the college. Is it the girl's dorm or the guy's dorm? I have no idea. It's the men's tell us a lot right now. It's the men's.
SPEAKER_05It's gotta be the men's because I don't think they let some 37-year-old man. It's uh actually I think they probably no, he's like he he's like a dorm supervisor too. He does duel. He's a raise your hand.
SPEAKER_02Red flag, right? Oh my god. Have you ever read the boyfriend?
SPEAKER_04Supervisor at 37.
SPEAKER_02Rita McFadden the Boyfriend. Okay. Remember book. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Get out of there. All right. Well, let me keep going. Because there's more. So I did ask I was like, I was like, well, you can't get a loan or you you don't have any money in your savings to pay for, you know, get your tooth fixed. I mean, come on. Like, what do you spend your motherfucking money on?
SPEAKER_04Some people would rather get the couch instead of the front tooth.
SPEAKER_05What are you gonna do? I mean, like, do you have a massive savings you're not wanting to tie wrap into? I don't know. I just what was his response? He said something like, Oh, well, I mean, I don't make a million dollars, and I I don't either, but you know what? When it comes down to it, my looks are involved, I'm gonna motherfucking get a credit card and get out there and you get that fucking tooth fixed. You get out there, you get that damn tooth. You get that fucking tooth fixed right that tooth boy. Especially if you're like trying to get with girls.
SPEAKER_00That's wild.
SPEAKER_05When you're on the prowl, you better be. I was absolutely straightforward. We have a lot of connection because he's fucking hilarious and he shit.
SPEAKER_04Humor is one of the best. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, so his humor's good. And before I found out about the tooth, the tooth.
SPEAKER_03That's what the step is.
SPEAKER_05The two.
SPEAKER_03Not the two.
SPEAKER_05Uh exactly not too. Before I found out about that, he's got the sexiest. He's the voice you guys heard. I played his voice for you.
SPEAKER_04You did? Yeah, his voice. When down from our current voice.
SPEAKER_05Okay, so it's fucking comparable. I love a good deep voice. Where was I at? Where it was at the pool. It was at the pool. I I played it. Well, I played his voice. Yeah. And his voice is motherfucking sexy. That was a game changer for me. Yeah. And at first, I was like, holy shit, I can't even help. Hell yeah. Totally bangable. Just uh Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Just put tape over his mouth. Talk to him.
SPEAKER_05I can't kiss him. I don't want to my tongue getting in that hole. That's what I'm saying. Just put some tape. I mean, yeah, but I can't take anybody seriously with a missing tooth.
SPEAKER_04No. I got a postcard one time and it was a couple, and she had a missing tooth and a missing eyebrow. Oh my. And then you ask yourself, oh my gosh, that tooth it's missing. Well, nobody noticed she didn't have an eyebrow either. Oh boy. So she didn't have an eyebrow or a tooth? Yeah, and nobody even noticed there was no eyebrow, just the tooth. That's all I fucking would see. So I well, I basically said I was like, well, the caption literally said that you didn't notice she didn't have an eyebrow. Yeah. Say what? That's funny.
SPEAKER_02I love that. I don't think that it's worth probably going further though for you if you're not already reasonable.
SPEAKER_05So should I stop talking to him? I I don't know.
SPEAKER_02You're already too fresh. Here we go. Yeah. But you're gonna be you're gonna be in it, and then you're gonna keep having a big thing. You just said that you're not gonna want to go on to any date with him or keep it going any further. So why why keep it going if you already know that?
SPEAKER_05I was hoping maybe with me saying this, like maybe he'd get his fucking tooth fixed. I mean he said you well, not just for me, just for I I know. He said what he's working is.
SPEAKER_02Do you think that he's you're going to be his final voice of reason? Yeah, I do. Okay, well, everything that's not how that works.
SPEAKER_04Okay, remember earlier when I said you could get the couch or fix the tooth? Some people are like, man, I could watch the TV on that couch. I don't think that's the case. Do some sweet making out. They're like, what am I gonna do with that front tooth? Sort of been gone. I mean, some people just have no voice of reason.
unknownLike so.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Okay, well then we're gonna we're gonna slide. Well, go ahead. I just want to make one more comment. He has a nice dick. Uh-oh. So you did get that part.
SPEAKER_02So we saw the dick, but just not the smile. Perfect. I'm not gonna see the smile. I don't want to see the smile. I just can't. So just wear a fucking mask. You just can't wear it. Whoever you are, six three guy with no tooth that lives in a fucking fucking COVID times, it'd be okay.
SPEAKER_05I'm gonna stay in the fucking paper bag. If he were 2020, he'd have a mask on and I wouldn't know the difference. Turn the lights out. That's the truth. That's a good reason. Like, be like, I got COVID. I'm gonna miss two. Get rid of this COVID. It's with me. It's gone. I mean, it would work up until the bedroom and the lights are off, and I'm like messing around with my tongue, and I'm like, what's this hole in your mouth?
unknownWhat's this hole in?
SPEAKER_02I mean, if it gets it fixed, but that that's the that's a big what if. Are you gonna hang by his string or two? I'm gonna talk about it. Are you gonna hang by his tooth until he does get, you know what I'm saying? Like hang by his tooth?
SPEAKER_04I mean when I said, what if he gets his tooth fixed? Then you realize he doesn't have an eyebrow. Oh no. Like the eyebrow too.
SPEAKER_01Not the eyebrow.
SPEAKER_02We're gonna we're gonna move on to the next thing that's happened besides no tooth guy.
SPEAKER_05So
Ivy’s Yacht Night And Weekend Kickoff
SPEAKER_05let's let's talk about Ivy's fuckfest she had. Oh gosh. Yeah, let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_02I don't even know.
SPEAKER_05Well, good. This is the first time you're hearing about it. So let's go. Let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so I had to start from day one, obviously. I do. So yes, I do. Went to an establishment and watched a band. The band was so, so bad. Anyways, we met up with a couple that I had met preview at this establishment, and the lady just loves me, and I love her too. Shout out if you're listening. We love you.
SPEAKER_05Um better be a motherfucking listener.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, we don't love you so much.
SPEAKER_05No, no, just stay in.
SPEAKER_02Just plug. Anyways, so yeah, I'm they invited us, her and her husband, they invited us on their yacht. They said boat, and I had no idea, right? So, anyways, so that Friday night, uh, the guy that took me out to this establishment, we had sex. Um it was always at the establishment. Well, I would have. I'm not scared to go anywhere or do anything. No, I mean it was not it was back at my apartment, but it was it was good. It always is good.
SPEAKER_05Last thing I would assume you do is put out. Last thing.
SPEAKER_02I'm actually a virgin.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05Born-again virgin.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02With every week. That's what you say, ladies. We looked at this boat when we pulled up to the the slip. I was like, that can't be. I would watch her walk out of this yacht, and I'm like, she must be visiting somebody. And so, anyways, lo and behold, we walked to this yacht, and yeah, here we are. We got to watch fireworks on the 4th of July from a yacht on the river.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05Fucking bougie ass bitch. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_02I know I got so excited, and it was so nice. And they even cooked for us and everything. French fries, french fries on the river. Besties.
SPEAKER_00Okay, let's do one.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_04I thought he definitely had both teeth.
SPEAKER_02They actually they all had their teeth, all of them.
unknownGod.
SPEAKER_05The one boat that has okay, so besties. Let's let's go back to what'd you have on the boat for to eat? So we brought fucking fries. We did. Who the fuck eats fries on a yacht? We do. Uh in during fireworks. Nobody eats fucking fries. Whatever, where's my caviars?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05That's what I would want. Yeah. Where's the fucking caviar? No, I was happy. I was happy. I'd never had it, but I'd be like, I've never had it.
SPEAKER_02Oh, it's really good.
SPEAKER_05I uh so not fren not caviar french fries. Okay, go with the fries.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I don't want to say too much that I I anyways. So moving along. French fries. It was, yeah. I don't know why you're so stuck on the goddamn French fries.
SPEAKER_05I just, I think it's funny. It is funny.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but it was French fries or they were crispy. You know, I'm saying the best fries I've ever had.
SPEAKER_05On a yacht, you can get crispy ass motherfucking fries. I figured soggy as fuck. Just because of the moisture. Anyway. There you go. No more.
SPEAKER_02So Sunday we wake up and uh then it's time for first fuckboy to go home.
SPEAKER_05Fuck boy number one. You know who you are.
SPEAKER_04I didn't know there was a first. That means there's a second.
SPEAKER_05It's all in the fucking same weekend, Mary Jane. Mary my first yes, not my last.
Pool Party Chaos And Two Guys
SPEAKER_02Anyways, so yeah, Saturday we all have a pool party for our friend's birthday. Sure. Yeah. Great old time. It was so much fun. Oh my gosh, I had a blast. I had too much fun. I was up until three o'clock in the morning, and this is why. So some people, some people bam, we're in here. So this other person who I had met preview on our witches' night out back in October.
SPEAKER_05Is that when you met him? Yeah. No, it was stripper night, wasn't it?
SPEAKER_02Nope. Oh, I thought it was stripped. Nope. I promise you that. Yeah, yes. Well, that's the night that we thought we were in Vegas. And and you know, and so we just did the most. Well, one of the nights. Yeah, we have many nights like that. That was one of the nights. Yep. Yep. That's the guy that I was gonna take in the bathroom and and bang him right there.
SPEAKER_05Oh, that yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_05That's bathroom possibility bang guy. Yes. So no. Oh, I cock block her because I was like, you can't bang. There's 10 people in line. You can't bang. I did not care. I did not care. It was worth it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but the people in line also cock blocked me, and his friends cock blocked him. And then I had Scarlett cock blocking me. It was cock block city.
SPEAKER_05Cock block city. That bitch was not getting laid and no scurvy ass motherfucking bathroom. No. So, anyways, so I didn't care.
SPEAKER_00I've got other plans for you.
SPEAKER_03No slumming tonight. I know.
SPEAKER_01No bitch. Like I want to be a slummer. I want to be a slut in the slumber.
SPEAKER_05But I'm having to get a little dirty sometimes. Shit. Bitch be getting dirty. Okay.
SPEAKER_02It had been a long time since I gotten laid on that night.
SPEAKER_05On that night? Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02No. Oh, you mean back in October. No, back when you met him, I had not gotten laid in a few anyways. Acceptable.
SPEAKER_05Acceptable.
SPEAKER_04Marriage and bless before.
SPEAKER_02So the the kitty be meowing and all the things. And I think she was even barking, but I don't know. Who let the dog go?
unknownI love it.
SPEAKER_02I'm so happy about that. So the sexual tension was riveting. So he had been texting me or snapping me throughout the day on Saturday. I mentioned it to Scarlet one time, and then she says, eh. So I just didn't say anything more. And so I wasn't taking it anything.
SPEAKER_00No. So I was like, She was probably already thrashed.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Most of us. We all were, to be honest with you. So then hours later, I messaged him and I said, I told him the room that we were in. Literally within 30 minutes, he was at my door. Now he's like, I gotta get it in. Now I will tell you this.
When Nerves Hit The Bedroom
SPEAKER_02At first it was not very memorable. It wasn't. He's not working. Tell me what that means. He's not working with, you know. Well, a little wormy. It's okay, though.
SPEAKER_05Hard or softy. Hard or softy with what do you got working with? Okay. So yeah. Flaccid, flaccid and hard. Flacid and hard. Okay. So keep flaccid. We can give these guys a chance. What does this even mean? Flaccid means when they're not hard. I know what it means, but what are you doing there? So, well, she can't look at it and be like, not today, not ever. Get that fucking flaccid penis out of my face.
SPEAKER_04I'm like, if I have to say the word flaccid, which is disgusting, I'm out.
SPEAKER_05You gotta find out how good he is with his tongue before anybody leaves the building.
SPEAKER_02And that's exactly, and that is exactly what I got to have happen. So we just lay there for a little bit. We were, you know, naked, just chilling, talking. He was the before you did anything? No, this was like, so like when he first came into the room, it was like, oh hey, how have you been? And then just like on it, right? Like we were making out, kissing. Get naked. He picked me up, threw me on the bed, and I was like, oh yeah, let's do this. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05That's a bed okay. Honestly, that bed was really high too. Yeah. That's like motherfucking strong strong. He's fucking lady. Nothing against you, but that bed was like as tall as me. She said nothing against me. What are you trying to say, Scarlett? No, I'm trying to say that bed was fucking tall. I can't even, I barely could jump on it.
SPEAKER_04Anyway, but I'm sure I'm pretty sure you're gonna find jump on the bed.
SPEAKER_03I watched several belly flops. So yes, yes, yes. We all did. We all saw it. Before the big bang session. Before the big bang theory, right? Oh session.
SPEAKER_02Before the little bang. Um anyway. Big ending. So that happens. He couldn't, he couldn't get it uh uh erect. And so I was like, and he's like, I was just I was just so nervous. I was just so nervous and blah blah blah blah blah. And I was like, it's okay, like it's fine, like there'll be another time. Yawn, let me sit on the fucking face.
SPEAKER_04I'm like, excuse me, my girlfriend wants to come back over and we're gonna get back in the pool.
SPEAKER_05Get out. Yeah. I don't know. I would have sat on his face before I kicked him out permanently.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, did you at least get in anything there?
SPEAKER_05So hold yeah, I'm getting there.
SPEAKER_01God damn it. This isn't a fucking story. Oh my god. This is a story.
SPEAKER_03It is.
SPEAKER_01You're nailing it.
SPEAKER_02You're nailing the story.
SPEAKER_04Go, go, get it.
SPEAKER_02I love it. So, anyways, so long story short, short story long. So, yeah, we ended up just laying there for a little bit. We were talking naked, and all of a sudden, he just started doing some fun stuff with me. And yeah, he he got it up and he went down on me. And let me tell you, he's alive! Let me tell you when the when when this when the sprinklers came on, and I wasn't talking about because there was a fire in the room, there's a fire in my pants.
SPEAKER_05You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, I think we did. Okay. Hopefully you have a big fire extinguisher for this fire in my pants.
SPEAKER_02So, anyway, so that's what happened.
SPEAKER_05So, yeah, I had two uh I had I had two encounters this weekend. So, with anybody, there's still possibilities for them them. Oh, 100%. Sure. I mean, I've had guys that weren't like huge or nothing, or not even like completely, you know, regular. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And they're still honestly, if you get to the right position, as long as you work it, as long as you don't and he knew how to work it. Because let me tell you, I I mean, I was I was squirting coming left and right. I mean, I was all right. That's why when Scarlett came in the next morning, I was like, now listen. And so we had a we we got something out of the way first. No, I don't want to talk about it. No, we're not gonna talk about it if you don't want to, but it's fine. Anyways, and I just wanted to warn her. We can. We can talk about it. Okay, fine.
SPEAKER_05So I didn't keep it a secret from you. I just didn't expose what the situation I had with this gentleman.
SPEAKER_06You and I'm gonna go. No, I didn't.
SPEAKER_05No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I d no, I didn't. So it's not the first time he hasn't been able to get it up. I got really drunk one night and we had been Snapchat friends. And I was like, man, could use me some inbiding.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's gravity. Yes.
SPEAKER_05And I never told Ivy because I was like, I didn't I did first of all, it's embarrassing on both our parts.
SPEAKER_04Girl, because you're like over here criticizing like a wah. And then you're like, well, maybe I had that. Yeah. Maybe I did that too.
SPEAKER_05But if it were a thing for me, or I actually did like him or something, like I would have told her. I never liked him. It was like one of those fucked up nights. He came over, he couldn't get it up, and that's exactly what happened. This seems like an ongoing problem. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I there's a reason for it though.
SPEAKER_05Yes. I won't call him. No, don't do that. So I was like, I ended it there. I was like, nope, nope. I'm like, oh, I gotta get up. Everything. I got that brief due.
SPEAKER_02I'm washing my hair. So anyway, so yeah, when Scarlet came into the room, I was like, we got some tea, and I need to get it out. Like, she didn't even barely get in the door. I literally sat my bag down and she's like, girl. Going, um. And then she explained it, and I was like, okay, fine. I forgive you slightly, but it is what it is. I know.
SPEAKER_05I I I'll disclose from now on, but I didn't I get it, though. It's really embarrassing for you. No, I get it. Yeah, absolutely. And possibly for me.
SPEAKER_02What if I didn't make him what if I didn't do it for him? No, I understand, but it was definitely was him, not you. Did he see you that day?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_05No, no, no. But he was already at home.
SPEAKER_02Can you know how he would have fell? No, he but he are he's already saw us out and about. Oh, yeah. I got mine, I got mine, and then I said he wanted to stay, and I was like, and then we had to stay away from it the next day. That's my yeah, that's one of the reasons I was like, man, you don't want to touch anything in here right now.
SPEAKER_05Um and the funny thing is, we before this all happened, we were talking about semen being all over the room, and you just proved my point. That fucking semen's just everywhere in that fucking room.
SPEAKER_02I know that maybe did not clean that room that guy. Not that fast. There's no way.
SPEAKER_04Or that good. No. No. She's like, who would have thought it'd be at the corner, the very top of the corner mirror?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. She's like, she's like, get the windex. She's like, get a ladder.
SPEAKER_02So that's yeah, that was my weekend. It was great. It was fun.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. So we're you said you squirted, which everywhere. Whoa. It's like all over his face and stuff. That's why we're talking about everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah, so so not just him squirting, but Ivy squirt was just all everywhere. Yeah, I'm like, I can't. Nothing. I can't do that.
SPEAKER_04I don't know how to even set my bag on.
SPEAKER_05Get the power washer out. Motherfucking you squirt and bitch. Okay. Yeah. So that must have been good. He must have been good at eat going downtown.
SPEAKER_02He was he was definitely good at going downtown. He was definitely good at, I mean, working his little for me. No.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, he came over. Okay. Flasted.
SPEAKER_02I placted it. Hot ago. I'm like, it's such a disgusting word. I'm like, ew. Yeah, but in the end, it actually worked out for me. And he then I just he was like, oh, I could I could stay and do this all night long. And I'm like, well, I got plans tomorrow and I'm really tired right now.
SPEAKER_05So Scarlett's coming over in like four hours. She washed it all off. I don't want her to get awkward with you.
SPEAKER_02I don't want her to get awkward with you here.
SPEAKER_04She's like, let's go jump in the pool now.
SPEAKER_05Uh-huh. Yeah. Literally, pretty much how it worked out, but yeah.
Faking It And Cleaning The Evidence
SPEAKER_05I mean, who hasn't faked it? You haven't ever faked it.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_05Okay. Every woman has. Okay. 100%. Come on.
SPEAKER_04It just depends on how good you are. Oh, I mean, luckily I don't have to do that anymore.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Sometimes, sometimes faking is just like you want it to end, or sometimes you're just like, I gotta give him something. Yeah. He's working so hard. He's working so hard and it's not. There's many a reason to fake it. Now Gold Star. Done for.
SPEAKER_02If you're really good, I'll give you. I know. And they're always like, did you come? And you're like, yeah. Yeah. Super good.
SPEAKER_01That was the bet they ever had.
SPEAKER_05Where are you leaving?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05Got that brief due. Oh shit. No. I have a guy tell me one time that he has faked it. What? Yeah. Okay. So I I've heard of this. I've I know it happened. But I'm in the this guy, no, he I it's nobody I've ever ever fucked. Oh. Clearly, because he would be going if I fucked him. Duh. Duh. So yeah, no, he had said that, you know, he just faked it because it just wasn't gonna happen. And she just had she just needed it to happen. So it's funny because the first boyfriend I had after my marriage. The first time we had sex, he like made no like coming anything. Like I had no clue he had come. So I thought he had faked it. I was like, oh my god. My first experience out in the world. No, he just doesn't, he just doesn't like ex have any expression. What? Yeah, like nothing.
SPEAKER_02Like maybe just like a no, not even that.
SPEAKER_05Just like a grunt. Just like, yeah. And I'm just like, what just happened? But I knew he did, because I mean I do knew he did stuff the rest of the times we fucked because he I saw it. I witnessed. Sure, he was on my tit. Yeah. The evidence was everywhere in the hotel. Permanently. Permanently. The maid didn't know what to do. Windex, step stool.
SPEAKER_02We heard. She needed it out. You know, a hose. Listen, Carpe Diem. Seize the day. When you see that moment, you gotta take it.
SPEAKER_05And I fucking Oh, I would have seized the shit out of there. I did too. Not only that, but you didn't fucking mess your own sheets. I didn't. You didn't have to wash the next day. You didn't have to worry about flatters. Yeah. She didn't have to be a little bit more than that.
SPEAKER_04She didn't even know what she walked into. She's like, average, clean, open minutes.
SPEAKER_02The one thing though that I just now remember though, too, was I at first I saw the condom wrapper and I said, pick that shit up. I don't want people to like walk in and be like, oh, I want to tell my own story. And so he so he's there. So he's like, I'll tell people when I'm fucking good and ready.
SPEAKER_05She's not when not just leave the evidence.
SPEAKER_03I'll tell the ending.
SPEAKER_05Honestly, it would have been funny if whatever you you just left them all over the fucking room. No, listen though.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So then I fucking went around because I was like, I don't know. I was freaking out because you were coming over. I was nervous. There's all kinds of things going on. I was like, how about I even bring this over? No, I was nervous just because like I was like trying to figure out like how to bring the whole situation up.
SPEAKER_05And I was like, ugh, straightforward lesson. And I did the job.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I didn't know how else to do it.
SPEAKER_05That's the only way to address things. You can address things however you want with me, but straight just giving it to me.
SPEAKER_02That's the way to do it. I know, but I was just like, I don't know, I was pacing for a little bit. And I was I was hungry. I was hungry. I was waiting on coffee. I was on fire. I brought it prize.
SPEAKER_05Good thing I brought eggs and bacon. You know, settled down with eggs and bacon. Get you some eggs, get you some bacon.
SPEAKER_03I don't know how much I needed this.
SPEAKER_05So I fucking wore.
SPEAKER_02I know. Go juice. All those veggies I was sitting fucking slavery.
SPEAKER_05I know. When you're fucking drunk, the last thing you want to sit and eat is fucking vegetables and dip. I did, though. That's all we had. Where's the yacht lady with her fries?
SPEAKER_02So, anyways, so then I walked around to the other side, like by the sliding glass doors, and I saw the condoms there on the floor. And I was like, really, dude?
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Really? I love that. You should have just left them. I know, right?
SPEAKER_03I would have loved to have seen the other people's face.
SPEAKER_05You know what I would have done though when everybody came back over to the top? I even got rid of the trash. Oh, I was like, gosh. Gosh, you know how to clean up a murder scene.
SPEAKER_04Sure, I was like, you know, all evidence needs to be gone.
SPEAKER_05You know who I'm calling if something, uh something the body needs cleaned up. This one, she's like, yeah, get that trash, get that hair off of everybody, everything.
SPEAKER_04That's after we feed that son of bitch the how. Yes. They eat everything.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, exactly. Bitches got she got cleanup. True. You know what I I wanted you to do. You should have done though. Because we this group has a fucking mega sense of humor. Yeah. And what I would have done is fucking get those all those fucking dirty, get them out, put sh water in them or whatever, leave them all over the fucking room. And I would have been like, motherfuck. And then I would have left him for the other people to come and see next time. Next time I know.
SPEAKER_04If you're not laughing, you're lame. Just saying.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, I'm just I know. I just say I just didn't want you guys to be gross. I don't know. I'm still new. I'm still new to the group. So I didn't want you guys to be like grossed out and be like, oh my god, this is gonna be out.
SPEAKER_04Girl, we've seen so much.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I know. But again, I'm still new to the group.
SPEAKER_05So I mean, of course we would have been grossed out. I mean your back.
SPEAKER_02Well, I mean, at least I know now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05But I would I would have fucking thought it was hilarious. I would have. I would have been like, bitch, you couldn't even fucking clean up the evidence. I mean, we would have loved it.
SPEAKER_04I would have loved every minute of it. I would have staked every single one. I would have like put it on a toothbrush in there. I would have put one at the bottom of the pool.
SPEAKER_05And like little toothes everywhere. As soon as you rolled out a roll of toilet paper, uh, there's a fucking bottom. I didn't have any toilet paper though. I would have just like a pool chair. I would have done it everywhere. Just left them out all over the fucking put one on the remote. Like, can't change the channel.
SPEAKER_02It was barking off the condom. That would have been perfect because when you first came in, you're like, turn this channel. Can you put my music on, turn this shit off? So yeah.
SPEAKER_05If there was a gross ass condom on the remote, I would have left it on.
SPEAKER_04I probably would have got some white toothpaste, put on TV, and then stuck it condoms.
SPEAKER_05Oh my god, that's the other thing you should have done. Just put squirting quartz shit everywhere. Like white shit all over the TV. Well, all right. Yeah. Like taking the shampoo bottle and just squirt it on the TV. Conditioner. Conditioner. Yeah. That would look that looks just like cum. You could have come up with some good ones. I could have, but I didn't. Instead, choose pacing about what I would. It's like, get that trash, man.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Very well.
SPEAKER_05I was like, where did that come from? It's like what the other ones are.
SPEAKER_03Is there an applause? Wait, there is.
SPEAKER_04We need to do it. I actually got a phone, uh, a ring tone that was that one time in a medical setting. And it literally went off. Their phone went off, and both of us were like, oh my gosh, we're off. A medical setting, whenever I'm like, they're like, can I have my cell phone on? I'm like, yeah, as long as it's not a machine gun from Cigar Face.
SPEAKER_03Oh God. No, seriously, we're all like, Down, everybody, get down, Mandal, Mandal!
SPEAKER_05We've got a shooter in the house. 6'3, missing a tooth. We finally getting ready to fix it. Now we're getting shot up. We have to find. So since you're an avid listener of the pod, shoot Mary Jane.
Mary Jane On Dating And Strippers
SPEAKER_04Um it's my first dance, not my last.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, no, but she be just saying. Not yet, but I will be.
SPEAKER_04I have a lot to say.
SPEAKER_05Oh yes, girl. So um after the things you've heard so far from the podcast, what was your favorite story? What was your favorite take? Or when did you think we were the funniest or the best? Or when do you give us a little take on what we've how we've been doing?
SPEAKER_04How we've been doing. Well, as also being a friend, I always love to hear wait for the pod. I only get to hear your lives on the pod. So I do have to be an avid listener to uh hear the stories. Every once in a while I'll get it coaxed out. But yeah, I love all this training. A lot of them I know, a lot of them I learn on here. Well, um A plus guy, I got to meet him. Wonderful. He's a nice little man.
SPEAKER_05Well, you would have never known I did homework to get, you know, laid. No, you didn't. I don't brag. So I don't brag about these things, but I have to share them because I gotta get them out there somewhere. Yeah, absolutely. They gotta be in the fucking universe. Yes.
SPEAKER_02Well, this is our lay it down. This is our therapy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I basically come to the pod just to be like, listen, I gotta somebody else already. I need to vent. I've been I've been up on that. I gotta vent on I gotta vent on this. This is fucking.
SPEAKER_02Somebody else can relate somewhere, somehow. Please.
SPEAKER_05Somebody. Thinking of the pod or the episodes that we've done, what do you feel like you like relate to? Or what what funny you thought it was funny?
SPEAKER_04Well, I'm gonna go straight to the strippers because I've never been to strippers. I've heard so much about this.
SPEAKER_05I tried to get her to go.
SPEAKER_04Literally, everybody tells me, and then I just have never gone. I've just never done that. But I get you in your 40s. Go get a dick in your face. Oh, we're listening we're we're taking her. We have to. Go. But you know what? I can get a dick in my face all day long, every day long, as long as I allow.
SPEAKER_05So you've thought about going, but it's really just not in your wheelhouse because of the the place you're in in your life currently.
SPEAKER_04I mean, I would go. My husband would think I could go, it'd be fine. But then just sometimes I I don't know. I just can't get that crazy. I would have to be super drunk. We'd have to be super fucking drunk. That's what we do.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, we just do it drunk. Have you not met us? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah, and then we buy red wine, spill it everywhere. It looks like a fucking murd. And then we just go about our day.
SPEAKER_02Get fucking in our face and fucking manhandled by these men that fucking hate us. Yeah. So I mean it's fine.
SPEAKER_05What do you feel like between between me and Ivy? How do you feel like we portray our dating life or portray- Oh, what do I think of you guys?
SPEAKER_04Well, I think y'all bitches. Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, let's go.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, no, it's super fun. I love that you guys tell people about the red flags, green flags. I actually hear this outside of the podcast. Like people when they talk about stuff like that, and it's like, well, there are a lot. Just so you know. I mean, I just love that you're informing people that you know they're out there. These weirdos are out there. And there's also good people. Tooth or no tooth. But I mean, and he could be a great person. Listen, you can always change their jeans and get them a nice shirt. Exactly. I mean, I always said that as long as they're a good person, you can definitely get that man a tooth.
SPEAKER_05You can exactly.
SPEAKER_04I shouldn't have to get him a tooth.
SPEAKER_05So you said that if we've we have related to people, you feel like.
unknownOh yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah, me, you, I mean, the red flags are like and green flags.
SPEAKER_05I mean, there's so many there's green ones too. So that those episodes were like the that was all for me with was within the last three years. Yeah. Just like that's how fucking uh crazy this dating whole situation has been.
SPEAKER_04Well, yeah, because it does make me sad that a lot of those red flags turn you off for people that have a lot of green flags that are wonderful people, but you have to be so cautious now. I mean, I don't blame you. I would hate to be in the dating world right now. But it's I mean, yeah, it's a it's a vicious beat. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_05So after listening to Ivy and I, would you like does dating scare you or it does not?
SPEAKER_04I luckily don't have to do that, but my children will have to do that one day. Of course, you know, of course, and I have family that are single and doing that, and it is a scary world out there. World. It's a scary world. But yeah, no, it's nice that you're making people aware of things that they should and shouldn't look out for because I also listen to a lot of crazy stuff, other podcasts. What? No, bitch! Yeah, we're the only one. Yeah, girls, the one and only girls. They're about crime and stuff, but I'm just telling you, I know we listen to a lot of crime once.
SPEAKER_05When you listen to those Why do you think she had to clean up after I gotta get rid of this crap?
SPEAKER_04Absolutely. I know about it. I mean, I just love making people aware. Knowledge is power, and when you make people aware of those things, then that could help someone. Absolutely to know, like questioning if that's something that's good or bad in their relationship. Yeah. Yes, that's definitely something that needs to be addressed. I mean, just you guys give a good feel of how people should be out in the dating world. It is nice to know that. Thank you. That's beautiful. I mean, because there's a lot of young ladies out there who have no idea.
SPEAKER_05Before I went on the dating apps, though, I was like kind of excited about it because I was thinking, oh, these are great. You know, what could be wrong with these? Yeah. Everything's wrong.
SPEAKER_04And you know, honestly, being happily married, I love to help you guys navigate. There are great men out there, wonderful men, who would treat you like queens and treat you like the best person that you are and deserve to be treated.
SPEAKER_05And I give I honestly I feel like I give more people a shot now because of honest baby Mary Jane's last dance. Bitch, you either agree with us or get the fuck out. Go!
SPEAKER_04Get out of here! I think women get so uh by looking for that person that really it could be there, but they miss it because they're so deep into looking. I I just don't remember that. I can definitely see that when you're not looking for it and you make yourself happy. I feel like that's when you can really reel that in and make yourself somebody else. Yeah, you've been saying that.
SPEAKER_05And if they've got a big dick, that's even better. I don't even need that. I don't have to have like a ginormous box.
SPEAKER_04I get that. I just but whatever you want can also happen too.
SPEAKER_05I'm under like with you you've said this many times, Mary Jane, that you know, when I'm not looking for it, I'll find it.
SPEAKER_02But the thing of it is though, here here is what Scarlett and and I have a hard time doing. I mean, Scarlett's been single now for three ish.
SPEAKER_05Two years completely single. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I've been I always call myself a professional single woman because I've been single since I've been alive, basically. I was married for a very short time. Yeah, you don't come out having a boyfriend.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. She's like out of the world. She's like, this is Jared.
SPEAKER_05I'm gonna marry him. He's not gonna hold him. I met this guy in the nursery, you guys. He was really great. It was actually the doctor.
SPEAKER_02Like I begin like, yeah, no, girl, like, yes, anyway, she came out of the womb wanting sex and love and no, I just I I was married for a very short stint, and then ever since then, like even when I became extremely happy, like nothing well what what I thought was coming to me as far as like a happy ending, like it never it never happened that way. So like I wasn't looking for it, and I was like, oh, here it is, and then they're like, ha ha, the universe is like, fuck you, bitch.
SPEAKER_04You bitch, you're going back single.
SPEAKER_02But then I'm talking about healthing, dude.
SPEAKER_04Maybe it wasn't your time. Maybe there was other things. I I don't know.
SPEAKER_02And you're like the universe just never aligns for me, and I get that. It's fine. I'll just I'll die to the street.
SPEAKER_04Don't manifest it. Everybody keeps saying this, manifest great things. Oh shit.
SPEAKER_02No, we can't, I don't manifest it. I try to manifest great things like that we always talk to, like, oh my gosh, is our bar too high? And I'm like, no, no, because that's what we want out of life, that's what we expect.
SPEAKER_04And then slick rick comes in, he's like, Oh no, you don't need me to have a job. Yeah. Every time you get off work in your car, I'll pick you up from work. No, but D I'll let you make it. We need to have that as a don't let Slick Rick in there. No, no, you keep searching. No, you keep pedaling.
SPEAKER_02I mean, you might be fun for a little bit, but you're not my forever. And I'll tell them right away. I I'm like, man, we can have fun for a little bit, but just so you know, like this is you're definitely not my person because you're a fucking loser. Yeah. You might fuck good, but other than that, you're a loser. It ain't gonna be serious.
SPEAKER_05So I tell you neither one of us are getting any motherfucking younger.
SPEAKER_02Nope.
SPEAKER_05And so the outlook, here the outlook, it looks very scary.
SPEAKER_04The rainbow went away. There's no gold treasure at the end, or what's that gold pot of gold at the end? It's still there.
SPEAKER_01Maybe by the time we're in that. But Ivy bought the leprechaun.
SPEAKER_05But he was good at what he did.
SPEAKER_02A lot of gold. There's just no gold at the end. But he was good.
SPEAKER_04No, it should be a shower of white.
SPEAKER_02Good and gold is two different words.
SPEAKER_05No, the outlook is just different. Yeah. Like uh, as we have so many failed dates, and I haven't even had fucking dates.
SPEAKER_02I've told Mary Jane though before, like how envious I am. And of our other friend who's been in a very long time committed, you know, marriage relationship of how envious, not jealous, just envious of how beautiful your guys is. Of course, it's not perfect.
SPEAKER_04Hey, I totally'm like, don't ask me if you don't plan on keeping me around forever because I'm pain in the ass.
SPEAKER_05Pain in the ass. You can be.
SPEAKER_04No, I really am.
SPEAKER_05But you're worth it.
SPEAKER_04But you're worth it in the end.
SPEAKER_05Well, and yeah, I hope it evens out.
SPEAKER_04I hope it evens out when I give good head.
SPEAKER_02You need to that's the only reason he keeps you around. He's like he's like, Well, Mary Jane does give that good good.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, maybe I'll get ahead later after all this thrashing and meanness. Like, no, you're not giving yourself enough credit. You're a very good person. You're amazing. Yeah, you're never said I wasn't a good person. I think in your relationship, I think definitely think that you are the personality of all of it.
SPEAKER_04I would agree. Well, we come from a lot of women personality.
SPEAKER_05Yes. We come from a long line of fun, personality-filled women.
SPEAKER_04And like blessed by that. Yeah. I would agree. Yeah. That are strong. And you know what? Some men are frightened by that. That are women that have strong reversal. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02Even though they're like, we went independent. We wanted you to do your own thing. And then once I get them, they're like, oh, I don't know what to do with this now. No, I see I feel like completely intimidated by strong women.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. So I feel like the younger guys I've dated, they don't get intimidated by my personality in my no, they like it. I love it. She's gonna tell me what to do, she'll clean up after me. I may make you a lasagna if you're good to me. Yeah, he's like, yeah.
SPEAKER_02If you're really, really good and get your dogs to make out with me, I'll probably take you to the golf place.
SPEAKER_04They know what they're getting into. I'll be doing your home.
SPEAKER_05I got moms at home too. Yeah. Like you said, Mary Jane, the out you just gotta look at everything and manifest it. I'll manifest a dick tonight if that works. Uh yeah. I know. Let's let's start manifesting a dick. So what's I think? That's what I did. That's what I did. That's what I did. So let's go.
SPEAKER_02Listen, I manifested that I was gonna be in that hotel room and I was gonna get dick that night because nobody else wanted to stay in that hotel room and get that dick. Get that dick. So you know what I did? I buckled down.
SPEAKER_05So yeah, the perfect man's not out there, but guess what? My forever person is, and um, you know, we're just still it'll happen. We're just still gonna go through 90,000 guys before we're gonna go through a lot of dicks before we get the right one.
SPEAKER_04No man's perfect, but they can definitely try. Yeah, but they're trying, that's what makes it.
Listener Stories Request And Closing
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. But we want to hear your guys' hotel dick stories, whatever you want to put out there, you know.
SPEAKER_05Squirting all the fucking hotels. Sure, sure, share. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02What pool parties have you been to? What yacht stories do you have? Did you have French fries on your yacht? I want to know. I want to know what'd you have?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, did you have all these thanks? Yeah. I was like, wow, that was a lot mentioned.
SPEAKER_05All right. So we're gonna wrap it up because it's getting to be there. So, yeah. So thanks, Bessies. We found it. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_04Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for putting up with me. Mary Jane. Jane, thank you so much for being here. It was my first, hopefully, not my last. No, not at all.
SPEAKER_02Just saying. All right.
SPEAKER_05Woohoo! We love it. Say it. Did you have fun then? Did you have a good time?
SPEAKER_04Yes, I did.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, you had. So Mary Jane will be back and let us know if you guys liked her or hated her. And you know we can do that.
SPEAKER_04Right. Yeah, you wonder five. Hopefully.
SPEAKER_06Right. Oh.
SPEAKER_05Don't let the dogs out on me. Should we stick her with dogs or uh, you know, leave her as well?
SPEAKER_04Or get me back. Just we'll have her back.
SPEAKER_05If you guys liked her, let us know. Email us, relieve something.
SPEAKER_02And you know where you can do that at? Nothinguntouchedpud at gmail.com. And we are on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram. We're on all the socials. So hit us up. Besties, let's tell us funny. I want to know. We're dying to know out here. I do have to give one last shout out, though, real quick, to our sponsor. And there is a commercial now. You can see it on our socials. Yep. I reposed it. Yeah. But it is Pulse IO. Thank you for the equipment. That's why it's sounding so much more amazing this time around. So let us know what you think there, too. So, anyways, until next time, besties. We love you. Bye bye. Little motherfuckers.
