Dating as a Black Queer Person Part II

Part One was the warm‑up… but Part Two? This is where things get real.

In this continuation of our Black queer dating conversation, the cast is back with even more honesty, more chaos, and more “I know you lying” moments. Our married king, our two boo’d‑up lovers, and our one single‑but‑dating professional and one aggressively single professional return to the mic with stories, confessions, and perspectives that hit harder than a Love & Hip Hop reunion chair toss.

This time, we’re diving into the deeper layers of dating as Black queer people — the role location plays in our love lives, how race and fetishization show up in queer spaces, and the unfiltered truths we don’t always say out loud. From big‑city dating disasters to small‑town entanglements, from colorism to coded language, from safety to visibility… nothing is off limits.

Expect vulnerability. Expect laughter. Expect side‑eye.
Expect the kind of real talk that feels like a late‑night group chat with your closest friends.

This is Part Two — the part where the mic gets dangerous, the stories get messier, and the truth gets louder.

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:01

Last time on Who Gave Us the Mic. The cast put up with more opinions than a love and hip hop reunion. The merry one was giving wisdom. The two booed up lovers were giving we're healed, kinda. And one of the single but dating professionals and the aggressively single professional baby, they were giving us storylines. We talked about dating apps, expectations, stereotypes, and why the streets keep recycling the same five people. But tonight, oh, tonight, we're turning it all the way up. This is part two where the tea gets hotter, the stories get messier, and the cast gets a little too honest for their own good. We have conversations all over the spectrum of dating, and the moments that had us questioning our life choices, like we were sitting in a green screen confessional. So, if you thought part one was wild, buckle up because part two, this is where the mic really gets dangerous. Let's get into it. With me, we still have our guest and our original host here. I'm King Leo. I'll be the one hosting tonight, kind of monitoring everything. With me, I also have the little ball of chaos himself. We also have icy notes with all the notes that you probably will hear throughout all of our episodes, but don't get used to it. And then we have Azari here. You know, if y'all can't see him, he's doing his little dance dance. Now he just dab, but that's Azari, y'all. And then our special guest back today for part two is Auntie Coco.

SPEAKER_07 2:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 2:38

Well, her shining glory.

SPEAKER_05 2:41

We're gonna go ahead and get started where we left off at. If you guys have not seen part one, part one will be posted. Um, go ahead and check that out um to get caught up on everything we're talking about. But we're gonna kind of take off right where we were at, talking about bio phases and if we think they're red flags, yellow flags, or bad branding. So we're gonna get started. I'm going to say, when you see the one that says no fats and no femmes, what what do y'all what do y'all think when y'all see that? Red flag. Red flag. Why say why why so, sorry?

SPEAKER_03 3:16

I mean, I again I think we touched on this in part one, but to I mean, to go out of your way to have to specifically name the fat in film, it it gives a little bit of uh, like I said, it's usually accompanied by some other negative stuff that does not need to be said. And it's like if you don't like fats, fats or films, then fats are films, then you know, don't answer them when they write you. Or, you know, some people. I think what bothers me most about it is it applies to friendships too. Like, even when they say no fats, no films, like you can't even be friends with somebody that's like that for some odd reason.

SPEAKER_10 3:52

That's because I got ulterior motives.

SPEAKER_03 3:54

Okay, good. Then maybe we should say no. I'm dead. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 4:00

What about you, uh, Auntie Carko? I heard you say yay to uh red flag also. Why do you say that?

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Because I feel like if you gotta be offensive to someone while expressing your preference, that's a red flag to me. Cause it's like it's why does what you like have to be rooted in hate of any sort? You can just say, hey, I you instead of just saying no this, no that, okay, well, I cannot, I'm looking, this is what I'm looking for, not no fats, no femmes, and I don't know. It's just I feel like if you gotta be hateful about it, then it's it's a red flag to me. You can you can have your preference, but you don't gotta be disrespectful.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

That's what I'm also saying is saying no blacks. To me, anyway.

SPEAKER_04 4:38

Yeah. What about you, Chaos?

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Um, you know, I have a controversial stance on this. I'm gonna say green flag, not just playing. I'm doing it for the plot.

SPEAKER_07 4:51

I was about to say, we're about to kick your ass up off of here.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Um, no, in all seriousness. Um, obviously red flag. I, you know, as someone that like my interest in people, like I I look beyond my kind of physical appearance. Um just for you to go out of your way to say no fans, no femme, I think it's very hateful because who knows that person that you think identifies in that group could be your, you know, the perfect person for you, but you know, you let your uh fatophobia and um I don't know what you would call the the the hatefulness of f men, but you know, you let that get in the way.

SPEAKER_05 5:37

I completely agree. Um what about you, Icy notes?

SPEAKER_10 5:44

It is it's definitely a red flag. Um I'm I'm all for people me being a bigger person. I'm all for people having their preferences. I don't you don't have to like me, but you don't like like what Azari was saying. You don't have to be disrespectful. Who said that? Was that you?

SPEAKER_00 6:01

That was me, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 6:02

It was me. Yeah, you just don't just don't be disrespectful about it. I'm not personally into uh femme guys. I've dated femme guys before. I mean, it's not it, I would say it's not my first choice, but I mean, but I was open to it. And I'm like, and that's where I think that's where a lot of people miss it. They instead of so busy quick to judge somebody how they look, like chaos was saying, they don't even give nobody a chance to even, you know, show them who they are as a person versus what how they look. And so, and but that I mean that's just me though.

SPEAKER_03 6:38

So it usually comes wrapped up in stereotypes, too. Like if somebody's femme, then they must be this, they must be that, they must be messy if somebody's fat, then they must be, they must eat unhealthy, they must not move, they must be lazy, all these other things that come with shit like that, and half of them don't even be true. Not for everybody, anyway.

SPEAKER_10 6:59

No, no bums.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

Because the main one saying no fats and films are always bummy, so please you know don't, but do it make you mad when somebody be like, no fats, no films, and they be 862 pounds, legs two inches long, with one and a half inch legs and arms and shit, and they wearing lashes with 13-inch acrylic nails, and you're talking about no fats, no films. And it's like I need you to meet the standard that you out here talking about you won't, because I mean I agree.

SPEAKER_05 7:34

I I I agree.

SPEAKER_10 7:35

When they say femme, I think they mean because they're probably I hate to say this, but they're probably bottom. Probably. I'm like, then maybe they're not looking for another they they think every femme guy is a bottom, which is so not true. That's so not true at all.

SPEAKER_07 7:52

Yeah, I mean, aren't there transfer?

SPEAKER_09 7:54

Aren't there trans women that's still top?

SPEAKER_07 7:57

Yes, yeah, so thank you, Twitter, for providing my daily education.

SPEAKER_05 8:07

Basically, on that one, we definitely all agree red flag. I mean, right off the bat. I mean, everybody basically saying the same thing in different ways and added on some. And I fully agree, it's definitely a red flag. Now, with all the ones that we've kind of talked about, the the ho, no facts, no films, people that's saying DL only, just ass, no drama, and mask only, do you guys feel like that could I mean I don't want to put this, but do you think they're they're saying stuff like that because that's really their preference, or is it more so like insecurities, or could it be like something else that that that's they're saying it? Or do you think they're just saying it because they're just ignorant?

SPEAKER_00 8:47

I feel like it can be a combination of um especially with I mean, like like I said, you can ex you can explain your preference without being disrespectful. Like once you get into that, that's that shows more about you as a person than it does anything in um yeah. So I think more so just kind of the prejudice of feeding into stereotypes and maybe insecurities. Cause I mean, sometimes that's the person who broke their heart. So now they gotta take it out on everybody else.

SPEAKER_04 9:20

Yeah, yeah, very, very true.

SPEAKER_10 9:23

Yeah, I think it's definitely a mixed bag. Yeah um a mixed bag of uh of different like uh people. It it just depends on what type of profile is coming from, like she was saying. Uh just you know, you got the you know, of course you got the real ignorant ones who are just like just ignorant for no who knows why they're ignorant. I mean, I'm pretty sure they have a a story. Um, and then you got some who just I don't know if they really realize that they've been ignorant.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

And maybe they just they just see other people putting it on their profile and they feel that it's okay to say, or it's okay to be offensive like that, not really and they're that excuse to maybe some younger guys, but when they uh guys are women, but when you 40, 50, 60 years old, you should have some wisdom about yourself at that age.

SPEAKER_10 10:19

A little more decorum.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Well, can I be can I be honest with y'all? Be a little vulnerable. Um I see not alluded to this on the previous episode, and I'll spill my tea. Um, when I was first really coming out on the scene, I didn't really date anybody of color. And I think a lot of that was rooted in this idea that I think when I was growing up, I was always taught, you know, you have to speak a certain way, you have to be a certain way. And I worked in predominantly white spaces, and I think there was a little bit of like, I'm around these people, these people are kind of held to this like higher standard, and then sometimes, you know, how black men can be, you know, represented. People automatically assume we're thugs, we're ignorant, you know, we're quote unquote ghetto. And I think because I was around these people, and these are people that I was kind of like not identifying with, but I was around all the time. I thought maybe these are the kind of people I want to be around. Now, obviously, fast forward now in my 30s, um, a lot of men I've dealt with are people of color. My ex is black, my husband is Puerto Rican, but like it I don't I don't I wasn't being I don't think I was being ignorant, maybe a little ignorant, but I think I definitely was a victim of my um like my social circle and people that I kept around me and I deemed, you know, I guess digestible and acceptable.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

I mean it's kind of okay. When you say that, I I kind of get what you're talking about. When I was growing up, I always felt like I had to stay in my race. I think I'll take cocoa could probably because you can't even have since I didn't I necessarily have the same interests or stuff that you would associate with, stereotypically associate with black boys, I guess. I didn't want to play sports. I I liked music, I wanted to draw, I danced, I did all the stuff that you wouldn't typically associate with little boys, especially black boys. So it's like I have a lot in common with kids in my neighborhood. And I grew up in a black neighborhood, but I didn't have a lot in common with a lot of kids there. So I just always felt out of place, and there was things that were said, like you talk to, I'm a little bit more blended now, if you can't tell by the way I sound, but I mean back then it was pretty bad. Like I because I articulated, I had things said to me like I was trying to be white and things like that. So I think it it's it's a bit of a mix of where you are and where you feel, I guess, kind of more accepted. And for me, it was kind of like I always felt like I had to stay in my race to prove that I was black enough and I'm inherently black enough.

SPEAKER_10 13:04

That's a really really good point that you just brought up, uh, Azari, because I I've never, I don't, I never had any pressure. I've always I always grew up in a black neighborhood, black household. And I've never had any pressure to to uh to only date within my race. Actually, the only time I actually even actually I made it up in my mind that I wanted to date within my race. It wasn't even about my you know my outside influence or something. Because honestly, when I was about 14, 15, I remember my brother was asking me questions about sex and all that and about marriage, and I told him, I said, well, well, at the time, this is before I came out. But um, at the time, I was like, Well, I want to date within my race, and I want to marry the black woman. And they was like, Why do you want to date? I said, Because I want to keep the race strong. That's what I said. That was my answer. Oh, you was your And they said, I can't believe you actually answered like that. And I said, Well, yeah. But then as I got older and realizing that it's okay to venture outside your your right your realm, you know, it's okay. Like it's it's nothing wrong with having a preference. Um, have I ever actually dated someone outside of my race? Not not that I hooked up with some people outside of my race. I never dated them, though, but that's another story.

SPEAKER_03 14:28

I have it's it's interesting trying to experience.

SPEAKER_05 14:35

I I I date outside of my race, also.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

But see, and I still I I still do. It's just nowadays you have to be a little bit more selective. I had, I think I told you this story, Icy knows. I had somebody, he was, he was suspended. I had him write me. He wanted to get to know me, and then like two weeks in, he was like, Well, I don't date black guys, and I'm like, Did you miss like I was like, okay. He was like, Well, all black men are abusers. I'm like, Why do you think that? Well, my aunt dates a black man and he's always beating her up.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

I'm like, well, don't equate me with with him because he keeps knocking her upside her head.

SPEAKER_09 15:12

And why did you write that?

SPEAKER_05 15:14

Oh, that made me think of this. That made me think of a damn guy I was talking to up here in Cleveland before we uh before I moved to Columbus. And we were talking, he hit me up. So we we go, we hang out, we go out, have some drinks, and then we ended up, I guess, messing around or whatever, and then had the audacity to tell me all the same thing. I don't date black guys. He's like, I'm scared of black guys because I've been abused, I've been raped by a black guy. He was he was a Hispanic, and I just I'm looking at him, I'm like, but you hit me up, and you want to meet me and go have drinks. I I didn't hit you up, I didn't do it. So to me, I'm like, I don't I half ass believe your story. I'm not discrediting anything you may have actually been through. That's not what I'm doing. I'm like, but how you're what you're saying to me is not matching what's going on, and I think that's the biggest issue because me also, I mean, I grew up in a black household, but I won't lie, most of the schools I went to were predominantly white. So I did date, I dated a couple white guys. Um, I'm still open to white men, it's just I prefer my own race more than anything. But I would never say that I'm cutting that off that I would like, oh, I'm not open to it because you go to that was predominantly predominantly white.

SPEAKER_09 16:39

I forgot y'all. The elementary school that I went to was predominantly white. I wouldn't say it was more white that school.

SPEAKER_05 16:46

There was a lot of white people, everything way more mixed. It was white. That school was white to me.

SPEAKER_08 16:52

And he went to Hartford. I know that wasn't Hartford.

SPEAKER_07 16:56

Okay, well, mixed.

SPEAKER_05 17:02

That's what I'm saying. I went to a couple different ones. Which one I went to like I went to Cedar and I went to like some of the other ones. I don't even know if he was still around anymore, to be honest with you. That's the elementary, yeah. That's what I'm saying. So I went to uh different elementary schools and everything. So yeah, I get it.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

Um you also have to take into account nowadays, too, that it's just too you have to be mindful if you do, you have to be mindful of dating in your race and outside your race. Like, I mean, I'm I'm I'm transsexual, so I will date women, trans, men, but you you you kind of can't go about it the same way that you would like you have to approach people as a tribe by tribe basis because you just kind of never know what you're gonna get, especially like if especially dating outside juice, because depending on who's talking to me and what he's I clock in the language they use, you might not like me, you might despise all black people, but have a fetish with having sex with black people, which is a thing. Like you can hate me all day, but you could love having sex with us. Like, that's not uncommon. And it's just it's just one of those things I think we have to be mindful of because people get in some pretty fucked up situations, yeah. You know, thinking that you could treat everybody the same, and that was something I had to learn the hard way. You can't expect everybody to be as good to you as you are to them.

SPEAKER_07 18:30

Yeah, very true.

SPEAKER_05 18:32

Very true, very, very true. So, with that being said, we all know that sometimes the bio isn't the only first lie that we see. Sometimes we start really looking, and then we see that the picture is lying, the intentions are lying, and suddenly we in a whole catfish chronicle. So, our next section we're gonna talk about is basically have any of us ever been catfished? And if we have, I want to hear like what did they claim that was the catfish part of it? Was it their looks? Was it you know anything? Um uh, what did they actually give? Like, what did you actually think when you saw the actual them? And then also, like, how did you handle it? So, how did we go about it after you found out that they were a catfish? So I'm going to start with we're gonna start with icy notes because I'm gonna save the best, the best for last. So I'm gonna start with you, icy notes. All right, no, I just know this one over here. You know I'm talking, I ain't gonna call you out on here, but we'll claim last. We'll go ahead, icy notes. Go ahead and give us a little story, you know. What did they claim that was catfish?

SPEAKER_10 19:52

Um honestly, I never really the only one I actually said something to. Well, you know, you remember the one. Uh like I'm just I'm not gonna call you. Uh it it's just it was more, I just I like you, I just I told him, I said, you don't look nothing like your pictures. And he said, Oh, these are pictures I took took last year. I'm like, last year when what year?

SPEAKER_05 20:18

Like when I started him, you these pictures was taken multiple years ago.

SPEAKER_10 20:24

Okay, and I'm like, and I remember I and it's not even that I had a of course I I have because I think I don't care what nobody says about me. I think I I think I'm very beautiful, big and all that. And um, but uh and it's not even it's just when you it's almost like I you expect to see something else, and then something else walk up to the it's like who was I had to I literally sit there in my doors like I'm like who was just coming into my car? And then there was another time, I don't think I told anybody about this one. This is um okay, so the the guy he was from where was he from? I think Youngstown. And I remember we was chit-chatting back and forth online or whatever, and uh and and I remember he we he came here to work, and he was like, Oh, I'm in Canton right now, working. I said, Oh, okay, well, I'm at work right now, but maybe I can come see you later on or something. And now his pictures, his pictures online, I should have known something was up, but I wasn't really, you know, wasn't really thinking about it, but they was all kind of like far away, and I should have known something because he didn't smile with his mouth open.

SPEAKER_08 21:48

He had too many teeth. Oh, not a demi, not the demi, gordy.

SPEAKER_10 21:54

And it wasn't even he's spaced out or whatever. This is a thing, they were also like dirty. Like, did you did you not brush your teeth?

SPEAKER_08 22:03

Like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_10 22:04

You can reach all of them. Oh god, but I don't know. I'm I'm I usually push through anyways. Absolutely not. Jamal out here.

SPEAKER_03 22:18

You are able to Right. I believe you were able to render shit in Little Void if that happens.

SPEAKER_10 22:22

Not you out here suffering through. I mean, I only met him that one time. If that gives you an idea, I did not go back, even though he did try to talk again. But I was like, I'm good.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

He probably was trying to devour your soul with all them teeth. I don't know what that was. Don't call that shit shark tails.

SPEAKER_08 22:38

It was scary. I was like, oh no. I was like, Lord have mercy.

SPEAKER_10 22:44

I'm like, I I try so hard not to go off of people the way people look, but I got to I got to know what I'm dealing with up front.

SPEAKER_11 22:56

Well, was it a lie that he didn't smile? I was again to show you he he had 82 teeth.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

You gotta start asking for people's dental plans on the insurance to make sure they're all right.

SPEAKER_05 23:10

Send me a picture with you smiling. Like really smile for a bit.

SPEAKER_03 23:16

Send me a carousel. Just show me show me a wide range of emotions.

SPEAKER_05 23:24

Okay, that's that, yeah. That that's that all that's definitely some catfishing right there. So I almost want to buy you a drink. What do you think?

SPEAKER_07 23:41

Hey, chaos. What do you got for us? Chaos.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Oh unfortunately, I don't have anything for you. I don't believe I've ever been catfish. I tried to wreck my brain as we were as I see not just talking about it, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been catfished.

SPEAKER_00 23:58

Okay, now have you ever catfished anybody?

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Um I don't think I've ever I maybe I I've sent like I guess in the sense of like maybe I've sent like uh like older pictures, like a picture I'm like, oh like I look real good in this picture from like a year or two ago. So let me go ahead and send you this one now. To be fair, I've never looked completely different from that. So I guess that's probably about like the most I've ever done as far as catfishing, but now I'm usually pretty uh honest with that as well.

SPEAKER_07 24:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:35

So sorry, guys.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

You also married, so I think he's pretty used to us like that.

SPEAKER_04 24:43

That's that's definitely fair. What about okay? What about you, Auntie Coco?

SPEAKER_00 24:48

As far as looks, I've never been catfish on looks. It's been more so intention. I I feel like even if it was looks, looks, I could get over, but to to catfish with intention, the intention is just it's beyond just fucked up. Because you could have been honest, and either A, things could have been different, or B, we could have not wasted each other's time. So saying you want certain things and you have this certain goals just because you know that's something that I want to hear, or that's the kind of goal that I have, just so you can get access to me, is messed up. I was in a situation in CJ remembers when I was engaged to a person. Um, and and my thing is I was at the point in my life where I obviously dating for intention of okay, this is what the goal is, so I'm not looking for anything casual. Like my end goal is, you know, I want to have a family, I want to be married. I'm like, now family doesn't necessarily mean, you know, I have to absolutely physically give birth to biological children. I'm open to adoption, but okay, being a mother and you know, entering parenthood is something that I want. So again, I'm putting it out there. So if that's something you don't want, that's okay, because not everybody wants to have kids, and that's okay. But especially with something that serious, and and I made it a point to say that, you know, if that's not a goal that you want for me, it's a deal breaker. Because again, I'm at a point, I'm heading straight to my goals. I'm not gonna waste my time if our, especially if if what we have, you know, ideal-wise for a relationship, long-term, um, future goals, children aren't aligned. I'm not gonna waste my time with that. And I'm very upfront. And I've always always have been when it comes to dating or hookups or whatever, you know. What is it? What is the expectation that you have? It's my expectation, you know. If we if we're good, we can go forward. If not, you know, I'm gonna wish you well and just leave it at that. So he was like, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have a family, I'm gonna have kids. So during our engagement, I found out that he was secretly trying to get a vasectomy behind my back.

SPEAKER_03 26:46

Wow. I do remember that.

SPEAKER_00 26:49

Yeah, and I that's why that's why we broke up. Because I'm like, okay, it it and I stick, it's okay for you not wanting kids, but again, before we even got to engagement status, when we were just talking, I made a point to like these are my deal breakers because this is a goal in life for me. And if you didn't really want kids, you should have been real with me and not wasted my time. You could have found somebody who doesn't want kids too. You know, I've never been one of that, one of those people that, oh, you know, everybody should want kids. No, it's not for everybody, and that's okay. But you should be with somebody whose goals aligned with yours. So the fact that you sat here and lied to me, and then you were gonna try to go behind my back to get a vasectomy, again, yeah, it's your body, your choice. But how would that have looked if, okay, I'm thinking we're trying for kids and we're struggling, and you know, me being a black woman with health issues, I'm thinking something's wrong with me, and I'm going through all the testing the whole time. You you're you're sterile. You sterilize yourself and lied about it. That that's crazy. So, yeah, as soon as I found that out, that that ended expeditiously. Then, like, he even had his family contact me telling, oh well, you know, maybe with time he could change his mind. Nah, nah. Mm-mm. I'm cool. Because it it's not even just the vasecond, it's the fact that you lied to me. I'm about to say the lion. Especially to get access to me. You lied to me and portrayed yourself a certain way to get access to me, knowing that's not who you were, what you wanted in the first place.

SPEAKER_05 28:13

Yeah, because it's like, what else have you lied about?

SPEAKER_00 28:15

That part. There's nothing you could ever say or do that would ever make me trust anything you have to say. So yeah, so that the catfishing with intention is a motherfucker. Like, I'd rather be catfish with with appearance than it than intention.

SPEAKER_10 28:32

I'm about to say, at least mine. I mean, they I mean we knew what we wanted, so that's why I still pushed through.

SPEAKER_07 28:41

That is that is that is terrible.

SPEAKER_05 28:44

Okay, now I mean for me, I've I've been I don't know if I I've been catfished look-wise, but it it was more so it kind of like um icy notes. It was more so like they sent me super old pictures of them, and then when we met in person, it was a whole whole different story. And then I also had someone where they only sent pictures of their upper, like like here and up. And then from here and up, they looked, I'm like, they look good, like da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, and I didn't put two and two together, so they came and picked me up. They was taking me to the movies. I'm like, cool, they come pick me up. I get out and I walk to the car and I look in the window, I'm like, who the fuck? Who is this? Like, because they looked like they did from the pictures they sent me, but then come to find out, they were they they were big. Like, I mean, big, big, like big Jamal. I mean, big chaos. They they they they was just big. And I'm like, and I don't have an issue with bigger people. It's the fact that, like, where was that? Because I I should have known when I went back, looked at the profile, no, no lower body pictures. They had no, like, their bio didn't have like their their weight or anything in it. That was out. I'm just like, listen, you could have just kept it 100 with me. So I I knew what to expect. So, like I said, I've never been catfished as far as like looks either, as far as like they use a whole different person's picture. It's been more so like they use old pictures or they they kind of falsified them pictures a little bit. Um, but it it it and I think people don't understand that catfishing can go so many different ways. Like, there's so many different versions of catfishing. Some people honestly think catfishing is just using someone else's profile, and that's not it. Like you got that one, you got using old pictures, you got dick fishing. Like yep. Yeah, so so you got all kinds of types of catfishes now. I want to figure out what kind of catfish we about to hear next from your boy Azari. Azari, what kind of catfish do you had happen?

SPEAKER_00 30:58

Oh shit, let me get my popcorn ready.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

Pick one. You gotta give me a small uh shit. You know about the wood, Icy nose. Remember the one that uh came to visit when um my mom was doing the cooking for that one place? I don't know what's the place's name. Remember what we were gonna help her over the summer? Remember the money came down, it was act that stuck up and stuff. Yes, and he made he made some fat reference, and me, you and my sister looked at each other like I know he fucking lied.

SPEAKER_10 31:31

Yes. Oh yeah, it's like we was go we was Pokemon hunting. That's right. Because what's well the the guy I was dealing with at the time was with his tooth, and that's when I yeah, I mean so basically it was just face pictures, all that stuff.

SPEAKER_03 31:47

I mean, honestly, even though he was figured at what he said, it didn't bother me. It was the air of arrogance he had about it. Like he was making remarks about the way other people looked, and I I mean, just uh the amount of patron. Humble thyself a lot because man. But so he came around a couple times. He was nice enough to my mom and my sister and them, so I ain't say too much. But them them remarks like you must not have a mirror anywhere in your house that you walk past before you hit the car. There must be no rear view mirrors, no side mirrors, no windows, no nothing, because you obviously ain't got a good look at yourself in a while. A good look at yourself, then um actually Coco remembered the other one. Remember the one from Florida? The one I ended up hitting in the mouth.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Mm-hmm. I remember that one.

SPEAKER_08 32:53

Wait, okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:57

So he's going to detail to make a long story short. No, but so it was somebody that had talked to me online for a little bit. So it was Valentine's Day, and so he offered to come up from Florida, so he did. I was still in college at the time, so I think I had gone to class and come back one day. I can't remember, Coco. What was it? Did I like forget my debit card or some shit like that? Long story short, he used my debit card to pay his fucking phone bill and then tried to live by it.

SPEAKER_07 33:26

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 33:27

And couldn't get out the house, didn't get out the house quick enough, and I happened to walk up in there. And uh he got to get in my house after using my debit card, and he made a sudden move and I made one I hit first. And I got my money back. So we got good.

SPEAKER_08 33:46

Oh, that's the important part.

SPEAKER_05 33:48

I was about to say, I don't know if I would have stopped hitting him.

SPEAKER_08 33:50

You stole from me.

SPEAKER_05 33:52

Only punched him in the mouth. I would have I would have whooped that out.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

Once was enough. I mean, uh to be honest, if you've seen his teeth, I ain't want to hit him too many times in the mouth. You said he had too many teeth, and yours had too many teeth, mine had too many teeth, and they were all in different directions.

SPEAKER_05 34:11

You probably double intended once because he might have cut your hand up. Man, look. Tell y'all he bit my dick one day.

SPEAKER_03 34:17

Sorry, Coco.

SPEAKER_00 34:19

Yeah. Oh Lord.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

Scrap the shit out of me. And then go look up at me smiling, looking like Baraka from Mortal Kombat.

SPEAKER_07 34:27

Did you just show tetanus shot?

SPEAKER_09 34:29

Yeah, I only got a damn tetanus. I gotta tet this, I the eye dying penicillin and everything.

SPEAKER_11 34:36

I'm like, damn. I'm like, I I'm having sex with Baraka. What love have I preached?

SPEAKER_08 34:42

Oh, was that supposed to be my mind? I'm sorry. That got me on guard.

SPEAKER_09 34:50

That's it. That's how much I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_05 34:53

I'm gonna ask y'all one more question, then we're gonna move on. One more question. Okay. Have you ever been emotionally catfished? Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:09

Emotionally catfish? I know what most people have.

SPEAKER_10 35:13

With uh you mean like someone just like playing with your emotions, or um, yeah, that can be part of it.

SPEAKER_05 35:22

But uh kind of just like basically, you know, they're playing with your emotional, you get like almost like emotionally attached, and you find out this person is not basically who they say they are. Oh they're not like that. So like you now you that's that that's what I would kind of consider emotional, or even with what Auntie Coco was saying with the um the uh intention catfishing that can also kind of fall into emotional catfish catfish catfishing, also.

SPEAKER_03 35:48

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:51

That's that's what I want to ask that one. And like I said, we don't have to elaborate on it. I just want to know because it it happens, and then I think a lot of people, like I said before, they don't understand catfish can go come in so many different ways. So you may have never think you've been catfished, or maybe you have and then noticed it or something, but it it can come in multiple different ways for sure.

SPEAKER_03 36:11

I think it's I think if most people sat and thought about it, yeah, they've been catfished one way or another. I mean, especially if it's been over a long extended time of you talking to somebody just to find out that they never had any intention of this or that, but yeah, I qualify that as a catfish. Your time is wasted over somebody that you ultimately did not know the way that you thought you did.

SPEAKER_10 36:33

Yeah, I know hell. I might have been somebody's emotional catfish. That's just are you the drama? Um for one, it takes me really a long time to get attached to someone. So, I mean, some people just get attached really fast. I'm not one of those people. That that can happen.

SPEAKER_05 36:59

That definitely can happen. So sometimes it's not always about the looks. Um, sometimes the lie is what's actually doing it. Like basically, it could be like the are we dating, hooking up, are we just friends, friends of benefits? Or even are we trapped in some type of situationship? So the next section we're gonna kind of hit on is hookup, friends of benefit. Define trap. Define what?

SPEAKER_03 37:32

Like, like define trap. Like, I just can't find my way out. They have me chained to the wall where I just have trouble at go.

SPEAKER_05 37:38

No, I'm talking about an emotional trap.

SPEAKER_11 37:41

Like you got to get to specify nowadays. Only you, only you.

SPEAKER_05 37:45

I'm trying to, man. I don't live in groups. I mean, hell, that that can be, I guess, including that's not what I was thinking, but I mean that could be something.

SPEAKER_11 37:56

This is not you.

SPEAKER_05 37:59

I'm excited for this.

SPEAKER_09 38:01

It's definitely something that could happen.

SPEAKER_05 38:04

We know the next section we're gonna sit here uh and kind of talk about is hook us, hookups, friends with benefits. Like, what are we? Like, we too grown grown for all this. Like, are we hooking up, wasting our time, or are people wasting time by lying about what they actually want? Like, what what what is it actually? So, with this little section, um, we're gonna just kind of talk about hit on some things to kind of find out like what we've been through as far as like when we hit this road of like we meet somebody and it's more than just a one-time thing, it's like a constant thing. We kind of feel ourselves getting those emotions. So, like, I mean, is it like is it a hookup situationship? Like, are we in a talking stage? Like, what kind of I don't want to phrase this. Like, have you guys ever been through something like that? To where it's like you were really confused on what you guys actually were and like what stage you were on what their intentions kind of were.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

I wasn't the confused one, but they they ended up, I guess, confused.

SPEAKER_03 39:12

I I don't know how, but most of the time people don't even know the difference between the the the talking, dating, commit like like most of the time, like how am I trying to say this? How many people have actually like can say they've been on an actual people don't date like they used to. So, like hooking up and friends with benefits, especially over long periods of time after a minute, it just it for most people it tends to blend together because they don't even know the difference between a friends with benefits, a relationship, an open relationship, it just I think in those situations, it where there's a lot of blurred lines, it's about what's convenient for them in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Because I mean, I've seen people, you know, do the whole where and and I I was in one situation like that myself where it's like, oh, you know, we're not together, but everything we're doing is like being in a relationship. But as soon as I get mad, I want to do what I want to do, I'm gonna remind you that we're not together. You're not a couple, yeah, we're not a couple, but and again, me being me, say less. But but but people want to be mad when that same energy is met because you just said we're not together, so how you mean I'm talking to somebody else?

SPEAKER_07 40:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:33

So I think that comes down to a bunch of double standards and stuff too. Like it like Auntie Foko was talking about earlier, wanting access to somebody, but you don't want to lose our access to other people. Um with friends with benefits, I've never understood. Like you be friends with benefits with somebody, or y'all will just be hooking up on regular whatever the hell you call it, or or y'all figure it out to be. And they still feel like they have to lie. And it's like, well, I already know you're doing X, Y, Z. That's kind of the point of us not being in a relationship. So it's like, what is the point in wasting? Because now I'm pissed and I'm just pissed because I know you're lying. I didn't care that you're doing it. I'm doing the same thing. It's just I can tell you what I did because I don't care what you did. You don't want to tell me because I don't know if it gives you some more ground to try to tell me I shouldn't be hooking up with other people, but why? We're not together. What do I owe you?

SPEAKER_10 41:32

Some folks don't understand that they want you to be loyal while they can do whatever. I don't know. I don't know who made that standard when it came to who made that standard. I'm like, I don't know, and I've dealt with that a couple times as well. It's like, especially, well, dabbling with DL men, they it's okay for them to uh to still, you know, mess around with this female and possibly other guys, more than likely. And then then they want to ask you quick get to asking questions. Like, what are you asking questions that you do that you know you don't want to hear the answer to? Like, why are you asking questions? Why do you care? You're DL. You know, you don't want me, not emotionally, correct? At least that's what that's what they claim, right? Yeah, and then when you get to telling them, oh, oh, so you are out here just doing it. Oh, you just I'm like, I am I am doing the same thing you're doing. I'm a man, you're a man. Just because you're not, don't make me any less of a man.

SPEAKER_07 42:28

I'm just saying. Shout out.

SPEAKER_03 42:30

Will they kill you though? The kind of like the shaming they kind of try to give, like they give women and they give particularly bottoms and films, when they are doing the same thing as masculine or or top men. Right.

SPEAKER_07 42:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:45

My double standard got fucking decided to stalk me in a bar and try to run me off the road, honey. That was bad. But again, and that's why I always harp on it. Because one of my things, I'm the type of person I love clarity. So there was a situation that it was a it was a friends with benefit situation. Um, and and the thing is we had the discussion about it. You know, it was okay, we met on a dating site, ended up we were in the military, so we ended up being at the same base, ended up finding out we both live in the same apartment complex, which again is a terrible decision. If you're gonna do something like that, make sure y'all are not in close proximity because if shit goes left, cool channel. But it was like, he's like, yo, what I just got out of relationship with my ex, I'm not looking for nothing serious. And I'm like, all right, cool. He was like, I'm like, all right, cool. So I'm like, what a friends with benefits? He's like, yeah, I'm like, all right, cool, but understand, you know, yeah, I want to date somebody, but for now, this is cool. But if I find somebody else who is going to meet the standard that that that I want to be at, or or or meet me where I'm at goal wise, then this is done. So again, having the open, and I make it a point to always have clarity is like we have. This discussion. He's like, all right, you know, it's cool, it's cool. It's like, all right, bet. So, you know, we did our thing until I met somebody, and I really like this person, and we our goals were aligning. So it's like, hey, I met somebody, we're done here, I'm moving forward. And all of a sudden, he's mad, he's angry about stuff, and banging on my door all times of the night, especially when you know Zimboo thing was at the house. And we'll think of it like I remember I went to go pick up a pizza from somewhere, and he was on my balcony smoking, and dude showed up banging on the door. And he told me when it uh when I came back, he's like, I guess someone's about to bang at his door. He's like, It's that's not my place. You know, I'm not, I didn't open it to see who it was because I knew you weren't here, and obviously you got a key. So I'm like, all right, I'll handle the situation. And I'm just like, what is your issue? Like, oh well, I see you had an old boy over there, and so fucking what? I told you what this is. We're not dating, we never were dating. You set that standard, I agreed to it, and this is where we are. So it got to the point where I went out to a bar with friends, um, and he ended up showing up at the same bar and literally followed me the end when I say the entire night, the entire night followed me around to the point where I stayed till closing with two other military folks that was there because they even noticed the situation, and they're like, yo, just hang out with us until he leaves. So he left, and it was like probably 30 minutes that went by went by. They even walked me to my apartment to make sure I was good. So I'm driving home. Next thing I know, this dude's like almost T-bones me out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, screaming out his window about how I didn't talk to him at the bar and all this extra shit. So I'm trying to, again, we live in the same apartment complex. We we pull in at the same time. I'm trying to hop out the car. He tries to grab my arm. I swing and punch him, get up to my um apartment door, and he kicks my shit in. Now it's completely dark in my shit, and my like my front door is right by the kitchen. So by the time he kicks my shit in, I'm in the dark. Because I wore like um this black outfit that night. I'm in the dark with a butcher knife, and I'm like, listen, if you don't get the fuck out of my apartment, I swear to you, God, I will gut you like a motherfucking fish. He backs out, leaves. Child, I moved out of that motherfucker literally a week later. Wow. A week later. So I mean, and that's when being open and dating with intention or trying to, you know, be intentional about how you move. It's like you have to be so careful with blurred lines, even unblurred lines, because people say one thing, but their actions will absolutely say a whole lot of something else.

SPEAKER_10 46:39

Mm-hmm. That yeah, I could tell you, uh, I'm gonna bring out my rule book, uh Azari. Um, it usually when when I notice when some people do that, they want you, they pretty much got you in the back burner until they and you know they can go ahead and do have all the fun they want to have, but they they think you're gonna be there just because you're gonna be old reliable. That's what he that's probably what he thought you were going to be. He didn't think no one was ever gonna be interested in you but him, and he's gonna do his thing or they was gonna do their thing or whatever. And then you was just gonna just be there just waiting. Just you're supposed to wait. I don't know. I don't know where they get that from.

SPEAKER_03 47:21

I think it's also a part of it being a little bit of a narcissist, like they just think that they're the best. You're never gonna find anybody better.

SPEAKER_04 47:30

It could be. But what about you, Chaos? What's what's your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_01 47:34

Um, just the story in general, or just kind of like, you know, just on the the topic. Oh, say the topic in general, I I have to agree with Dante Koko. Um and uh I mean, in this stage of my life, I very you need to be very clear about like what we're doing. And I think prior to me being married, I was in a relationship and we were kind of doing an open relationship. It was it was a whole mess of things, but um, I think that was very important to talk to people about hey, while yes, you and I are dealing with each other, I am ultimately in another relationship and I'm with this person. Um, and at the end of the day, you know, we're just having fun. We agreed that this is like supposed to be a casual thing, but this is never meant to go any further. And um, I've had a few instances where someone has gotten like very upset with me, and not not to the extent of like what happened to uh Auntie Coco, but I've had a guy like really kind of like harass me for about two weeks straight, you know, telling me that like we were supposed to be more, we were supposed to be this, da-da-da-da-da, and really trying to make me feel bad because I didn't choose them, but ultimately I was like, Well, you already knew what was up, but you know, I think I was also a little uh more scared to be up front with people. So, like when this person would make mention and be like, oh, are we can all be together and be like uh not a what do you call it? Not a it's not a throttle, yeah, throttle, that's what we're doing. And I think I was I was open to the idea, but then also like I never spoke to my like then partner about it, and then also yeah, I just never really had that conversation. So I think while yeah, so we had this conversation that like this is what our relationship was. I also opened the door and allowed some like you know, thoughts of like it could be more. So yes, uh uh communication and clarity is very, very important in those situations.

SPEAKER_03 49:49

Yeah, see, sometimes even even communicating, they just I don't know if they think that they just are you're gonna forget. So I similar to Coco in Chaos, I had somebody that I was we weren't talking, but wonder I don't know what you call it, we weren't friends either. Some type of situationship or whatever, but I had made it clear and I even asked, I'm like, you know, I'm whatever, fine, whatever. I don't have anybody I'll make mistakes and you know getting and all like that, but you know, I don't plan on being a hookup for the rest of my life. That's just me. So when I find something that I'm interested in, I'm going to stop doing all of this. I was very clear about that. So about you know exactly, I think you know exactly who it is, Icy notes. About um nine months, maybe a year in, I started talking to somebody, and I'm like, okay, well, we have to stop doing this. The tantrum that I got in the whole trying to make me feel guilty, well, you said you were okay with this, and I'm like, I also told you for now until I found something better. Better came along. I didn't I didn't know what to say. You you weren't interested in being better, and you said you weren't interested in the relationship, didn't push the didn't push the issue, said okay, and when I find what I want, I'm done with this. And it's to the point where they still even pop up now a couple weeks ago and ask the same thing. And I'm like, I already know what you want, and I'm way past that point now where I just hook up for the sake of hooking up. So it's just not gonna happen. But the trying to make somebody feel guilty for wanting better, I guess I just don't understand that that it I guess it ultimately came down to him. Like, I guess he said that he honestly thought that when we started hooking up that um I was supposed to forget what I wanted. Like whatever he was doing was supposed to be so magical that I was supposed to have instant amnesia. And the fact that he even let it come out of his mouth, I just had to sit there for a bit.

SPEAKER_10 51:53

Apparently.

SPEAKER_11 51:55

Like, ooh, Lord, I don't know who I am. I wanted I wanted a relationship, I think.

SPEAKER_05 52:03

I mean that's that's that manipulation. People will try to manipulate you or try to uh brainwash or change your mind, thinking like, no, like I I said what I said. I don't care if it's been two years now even fucking around. I know I said what I said. So that same thing still applies even now, like it's been two years and you still on the same bull crap. I done found somebody else that wants what I want. I'm going to the better side. I mean, regardless, I mean, that kind of sucks to put it that way, but it is what it is.

SPEAKER_03 52:34

But you already know how that's gonna go anyway. They'll find somebody later on, and you'll be the one left after they decide they're done with you.

SPEAKER_05 52:43

Yeah, then they have been in a whole relationship with that person after they said they didn't want a relationship.

SPEAKER_07 52:47

That part.

unknown 52:49

That part.

SPEAKER_05 52:50

I've had that.

SPEAKER_10 52:51

Yeah. What not well, of course, not last what a few years ago when I was in my own place or whatever. And it was somebody I was dealing with, and it was like that. Like he just disappeared, like just out of nowhere. I think you remember him, Azari, the one I actually bought me something for Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_07 53:10

And I was like, oh, well, thank you.

SPEAKER_10 53:12

And then I I did all I could. I'm like, well, I'm not now I have to feel like I got to do outdo you. You don't you don't buy me some for Valentine's Day without even letting me get you something? And so I bought him all this stuff and he he he liked it, he came over, grabbed it, hugged me, and whatever, and and then he, I think he had to go to work or something that night, and then and then he just disappeared. And I was like, okay. And uh, and I'm sitting on like, where the hell did he go? And and then he pops up out of nowhere, and he always has questions about what I've been doing. I'm like, I moved on.

SPEAKER_08 53:46

I'm like, what do you want me to do?

SPEAKER_10 53:48

I'm like, sit around and wait around for you, and it's like, oh, I said, I mean, and I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. And I'm like, he was a whole thing. Um, but I I I don't know what I don't know what get into people's heads when it comes to something like that, you know, by being a fret, like when you you you make the statement of you know, you only want to hook up or be friends of benefits or whatever y'all call it, um, and and you agree to those terms, and then knowing knowing that you're looking for someone to date or look actively looking for a real relationship with somebody, I mean, I don't know why they get like why do you get so like are you I'm assuming they get they they end up getting the emotional attachment and then because they they want you to have it, but they're not supposed to get it because you know they're so not human, and and it's almost like they almost want what they can't have at that point, and I don't know what it is, especially with guys, I'm asking guys, they always want what they can't have. I don't know why that's such a turn on to some guys, but it is.

SPEAKER_03 54:59

They do it seem like they take it like a personal insult and challenge when you don't automatically agree with them, or your mind changes and they can't change it. It's almost like you have been salted the entire being, and they feel away about it, and it's like it's not that serious. If I could take rejection, truly you should be able to.

SPEAKER_00 55:17

Right. That's why we gotta normalize pressing charges.

SPEAKER_03 55:22

Or more stab moves. Sometimes you gotta push people. Sometimes you got to step up to remind the nigga.

SPEAKER_05 55:34

All right, y'all. So let's go ahead and talk about double standards real quick. Because I we we I've heard that mentioned a couple of times where everybody was talking was double standards. So one thing that sticks out to me, and I'm sure uh and it's I've heard other people talk about it and discuss it. Why do women in bottoms get judged like sex happened to them instead of with them? And and I the the first person I want to answer, I'm sorry, is I want uh Auntie Coco to answer this one because I really want to uh understand like why do women, and then we'll say bottoms, get judged like sex happened to them instead of with them.

SPEAKER_00 56:19

I mean, that's an easy answer because we're not seen as equal humans. We're seen as possessions. I mean, think about, I mean, if you look at straight men, bi men or anybody who decides to pursue women, you know, that's a male. Um, the it's always told, all, you know, the goal is to sleep with as many women as you can, you know, get this bitch, get that bitch, you know, whoop-ty-woopy-woop. You know, it's it's it's seen as a badge of honor. It's almost like the same thing, think of like fishing. Like you want to catch as many fish as you can, and you want to see if you get the biggest fish, and this fish is the prettiest fish, and this fish is the baddest fish over here. Like, it's more of being seen as a possession or a novelty item than it is being seen as human. I mean, that's why, like, for me, like case in point, and you can and especially nowadays, you can peek those type of men easily because what's the first thing? How was how do they refer to women? They don't say women, they call them what? Females, females, females, females, and and me say I was gonna say bitches, but yeah, no, but but no, they specifically say females, and I'm gonna break that down to you because I learned this in the military. Because the whole point of because when when we first go through basic training, they don't call you by your name, they don't address you any other way than male or female. And the whole point of it is to break you down and dehumanize you. Because once you feel once once you're dehumanized, it's easier to mold or manipulate you and control you into being whatever they want you to be. If you think about it, being called a female, a female, what? Because there are a lot of different species that are female. So the fact that that's how you speak to me lets me know that you don't see humanity in me whatsoever. So that's that's why that is. I mean, um, and I'm assuming it's probably the same thing with bottoms, because they're seen as the uh submissive person in the situation. So it's more of a dehumanization of I don't see you as a human, I see you as an object, I see you as a possession. You're a trophy to me.

SPEAKER_10 58:23

Yeah, about to say they see you as so try to see you as many than than the individual. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:30

Yeah, and it's a and it's it's an ego thing too, if you ask me, because I actually had somebody say that to me, be um about being a bottom. They feel like as a bottom because as a bottom and as women because he dates women too. Um you receive. So it's something weird about because you receive and and not give, and it's your temple you're receiving it in. That somehow makes it morally worse than you handing out dick to 52 people and me sleeping with four because I bought him. Uh um, it'd be weird double standards like that. Like you can hand out dick to 52 people, and community dick is somehow supposed to be better than somebody entering somebody's temple, the same person entering somebody's temple three or four times or a week or however you decide to get down.

SPEAKER_07 59:23

But I'm all at once.

SPEAKER_03 59:29

That and I actually heard somebody like break this down too. Like, and this is uh where I agree with Auntie Coco, because like in our community, I feel like they try to attach heteronormative standards of relationships to our our queer relationships where they won't fit. Like, you want some like that's the whole thing with films not wanting other films and mass, uh uh at least now wanting other films because they're looking for that traditional relationship of masculine and feminine, and in queer relationships, most of the time you're not going to find that because you're you're two men or a trans or non-binary. It's it's too many factors for you to just try to normalize it the traditional way. Art it's it's not traditional. What is traditional nowadays?

SPEAKER_05 1:00:22

Traditional is definitely it's not what it used to be. It's definitely, I feel like it's it's become more of the eye of the beholder. It's the eye of that person, whatever that person considers traditional is traditional nowadays. Because what some people may say is traditional, to me, I might be like, that that's not traditional. That's you know, whatever. But then it also depends on when you like what what they call like the Gen Zs and all that, what what generation also, or what you can consider traditional either, also.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:54

I also feel like we have things that even subconsciously we have to break ourselves out of, like the whole, like I said, looking for the traditional, like it might be subconscious. You might not realize that you're trying to find something traditional in another masculine man and expecting them to be submissive. I mean, most of the time that's not gonna happen. And I think it's up to us to get out of this the learn the things that we were taught that are no longer they just don't work anymore, or it just didn't work to the game. We just didn't know it. Bad habits.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:29

We there's bad habits, I think, that we all have to work ourselves out of, or or let go of what you know how we allow what's considered a societal norm to impact us personally.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:42

Yes, yes. See, it's funny that we brought that up because I'm gonna do a little, you know, pinning right now. On my personal podcast that I have, The Royal Rent with King Leo, I actually have an episode coming out about um generational habits and issues. So I I definitely agree with everything y'all just said. Like an old generational trauma.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:08

You plug a new episode. Yes, he did.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

Yes, he did.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:16

Oh, wait, wait, hold on, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:20

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:21

Lisa, let me end it this little segment there right here.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:25

But I'm with it though.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:28

Y'all set that up perfectly for me. That was a little sad for me. I appreciate y'all so much. Well, the thing's us for having a good conversation over here.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:36

Right. But no, I mean, seriously, yeah, yeah, that I I agree, like with everyone, because I you see so many times when it comes to like body count, everybody cares about what a woman's body count is or even what a bottom's body count is. But you definitely hear it more women. Like if a woman has over so many numbers of body um of bodies, then all of a sudden they're a hoe. When a man can have triple or double and they're just considered a man. So that's another thing that I feel like, huh?

SPEAKER_03 1:03:11

Does who's the one guy that uh made a career off of telling black women? Him or is it Kevin Sanders? One of them that made a career out of telling like black women, especially, like after you have so many kids, your value is a good one. Oh, yeah, Kevin Samuels. Tell a man I want you and look at him. And then when his ass died, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:32

No, I said, and look where he's at now.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:36

Where would his ass die? Like the outrage, because they expected women and black women especially to feel bad that this man lost his life. And I'm like, I can't, and don't expect him to feel bad for shit. This man made his life off of trashing women, like, and now they're supposed to feel down.

SPEAKER_10 1:03:56

You know, I always had the issue with that when it comes to uh especially uh with sex with uh um like between how females are women are uh portrayed in uh when it comes to sex. Cause I I always look at I'm like, okay, so if if the guy is is the man when he has so many sexual partners, who the hell is he sleeping with? Who is he sleeping with? Like a straight man. It's like okay, it's like so it's okay for him to go, you like it's okay for him, like that whole thing with like with marriage and stuff, like they want the woman to be the virgin. Okay, but if he's straight, who is he sleeping with? Who is he sleeping with to be not a virgin? And he's supposed to be ready and supposed to show her what to do, but she's supposed to just be sitting there and and so she's not supposed to have any practice? I I've never understood that.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:54

I'm like me and I think me and Auntie Kokw have talked about that, like they trash women in bottoms too, sometimes about just how how bad they are at at sex or giving head or and shit, but they expect them to not have that many partners.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:08

It's like, where do you expect them to get all this experience from? Right. To satisfy you if they just sitting on the shelf with somebody who bought a price tag.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:16

Right. You gotta be a bottle porn star.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:22

Like who what's your views, Chaos?

SPEAKER_01 1:05:28

Um, as a um model myself, um, I've only ever really I've only ever experienced that. I can't say one time, but one time I can remember, I guess. I'm sure it's maybe happened on a few occasions. Um I had a guy once kind of sorry, I had a guy once that tried to make me seem like less of a man because about him, and then he almost like tried to put me down about it, which was so. Odd to me because you had actually hit me up and you was interested, so obviously, you know, like I don't know, it was it was just a weird conversation, but like that particular instance um made me feel some kind of way. But if I'm being very, very honest, um, because I am a very sex positive person, I almost like when women have multiple sex partners or even bottoms, like you know, when they're more of like power bottoms or like they have like these quote unquote bodies on them, I live because in my mind we run in things, and I don't know, I think the double standards of like you viewing me less than, but then you want me. So I'm still controlling you. I'm still I don't know. I think in my mind I have like control over you. Um, even though you try to make me feel like less than. I don't know. I just feel like where you like I see no sense. Where you gonna be without women? Where these men are having like sex with um these virgins, you know, you know, in this like little radius of your city, and then gay men they love to have sex, so don't even play that game. You know, you need bottoms because if not enough bottoms going around, then what y'all doing?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:13

Messing with the key is shit.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:15

Listen, and then listen, that's a whole nother story.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:21

That was hard right there.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:24

So I mean, what what chaos was saying? I uh I forgot my point, never mind.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:34

My bad.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:35

It it happens. Watch, it it'll come to me at 2.2. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:42

So this these these conversations have been really good, and they're they're very, very deep. Um, I want to tackle one more section before we kind of cut out. Um looks like you guys are gonna be a part three. So I'm gonna cut out, uh we're gonna talk about this next section, and I want to talk about. So now, you know, we've kind of we talked about different things, different like scams and plots, and like the casual hookups and things of that. But now let's talk about like expectations versus reality. So what we want versus what we get. That's kind of what I want to touch on. So, like in my mind, uh, this is how you know we say this is how we want it to go. This is how it's supposed to be. So with that being said, I want us to talk about like what to you makes someone safe to be intimate with? Like what do you, what do goes to your mind when you're going to hook up with somebody? Is there anything that you're you kind of check off boxes? Do you um, is there anything that kind of like you gotta decide on before you decide you want to be intimate with someone?

SPEAKER_10 1:09:13

Oh, when it comes to hookups, I don't really I don't have a high expectation at all. I keep it very low. That way my I'm always surprised. If you want me to be honest, I I keep it when it comes to hooking up, I keep it so low that oh, he does like the kids.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:35

Oh, all right. I'm surprised at least at you then, huh?

SPEAKER_05 1:09:43

I'm gonna throw something else at you then. Okay. So what makes someone safe to love? With me? With with how I feel when it comes to when Yeah, for you, before you love somebody, what what did what has to happen? What has to take place for you to make you say I say for me to say I love this person?

SPEAKER_10 1:10:05

Um, I would say it would it takes uh what is the word I'm looking for? Um just just constantly, oh god, what is the word? I say it to my significant other all the time, and I tell him this story all the time. I'm like, you literally, you just showed up and you showed out. But uh you you um he was consistent. That's what it is persistent and consistent, I guess both of those. And it you know, showing that you actually had interest in not only just what I could do sexually, but me as a person. Because every time we met up, it wasn't always it's not always about it wasn't always just about sex, it was like we actually got to really know each other emotionally, like you actually cared how I felt, and I actually cared how well I started caring how you felt. Um, when you actually showed that you cared how I felt, but once again, everybody, well, like I said, initially, standard is low. But if you keep showing it that that that persistentness and that consistency, okay, then I I might start looking at you for real.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:22

Okay, okay. What about you, Chaos?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:27

Um, I mean, I guess I can speak just to my current relationship, I guess. Um, I felt safe to love my husband um when he met me at a time where I don't think I was really feeling hurt in my relationship, and I wasn't particularly feeling love. And I do want to disclaimer, just in case someone listens, this my ex and I, we are good, everything is good, but like during the time of our relationship, I didn't feel like I was being hurt, we weren't communicating, and I did not feel love. Um, and my husband, we when I first met him, it wasn't even like a sexual thing, it was just the the way that he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he showed so much interest in wanting to get to know me. And then, like, as he was getting to know me, um, he loved every part. He was, I think, I think he was starting to fall in in love with every part of me. And then the conversations we were having and the time we were spending together, it really felt like this person like was really interested and you know wanted to be with me. And I think just knowing that I say coming from a space, from a place to where I felt like I'll just never be hurt, and I gotta figure out something. I gotta do, I gotta reach out to other people for uh love and reassurance. I've never had to second guess that with my husband. He may drive me crazy. I say this all the time. He does drive me up a wall, but I never I since we've been together, I've never had to second guess his love and how he feels about me, and that he will always love me unconditionally, here regardless of what we're going through and what's what's going on with me. You know, I've been genuinely saying it like he loves me and it sounds corny, like flaws and off.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:27

Well, you got me out here about to cry.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:29

I know.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:29

I was like, I'm gonna say like shit. I'm like, man, I know exactly how you feel.

SPEAKER_10 1:13:36

I know exactly what's part of this. That's why I'm like, oh my god. Man, you got me.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:41

I'm bringing her up over here like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:45

I love like that, find all of us.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:48

Yes, man. I feel like that's the end, y'all. We done.

SPEAKER_10 1:13:55

As much as as much as as much as he gets on my everlasting nerve. He knows this. Because I know I get on his too. I just I couldn't see myself without him.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:09

So 100%.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:11

Oh, yeah. And that explains myself circling back how many times I didn't circle back. Cause uh every row ends up leading right back to him. And that's why I say it's the last time. That that's that's me. That will be my husband very soon.

SPEAKER_10 1:14:24

So it's gonna be the theme of y'all wedding, all or nothing.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:30

I guess what 20 20 years of my life, I basically mess with him. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's been 20, it's been 20 years, yes. Damn there, yeah. Yeah, we were together for 13 years before we broke up. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:52

I love y'all's positive love stories, but I didn't mine did not end that way. I'm I'm just look, mine ended in divorces and prison sentences, okay?

SPEAKER_07 1:15:03

Like, but I'll be in so for real.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:12

We need that laugh. We needed it. Sorry.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:16

It's getting too emotional in here.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:22

But yeah, I mean so that's that that's why it's like I'm happy that I don't have to go through that dating crap anymore. Like, I I feel like it's like a lifted stress off of me now that I'm in a relationship with somebody and I have my person. It's like a lot of a lot of weight lifted off. So, like what what what is one no? Let's say this. What is whatever would be everyone's ideal date? If you had to pick a date that you really, really wanted to go on, or with your partner or your future partner, or just in general, what would be an ideal date?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:12

I had to think a lot hard about that. Let's lighten it up a little bit.

SPEAKER_10 1:16:16

I would I would say a getaway where it's just me and them, and that's it, like a real getaway. And whether it's a staycation or somewhere or far off somewhere, like literally just me and them, no one else. And we just and we just do what we want to do with each other and actually enjoy each other's company. No, like no, like nothing to worry about, no stressing, no nothing. Like, you don't have to be an expensive date, it could just be just something simple. Like we just go to a a secluded little area in the in the park or something or a beach or something, and just just really just spend that that real that that intimate time together. Yeah. Mr. Zari.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:05

Um I don't know. I guess um I'm big on spontaneous things, not that they have to be big or anything, I guess. Um, I don't know. As corny as this sounds, if you just randomly say, let's go for a walk and we just walked and talked, I'd actually be okay. I'm more of a find our own adventure type of person. I don't know. I guess that's a good question.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:41

Yeah, I know I definitely agree with Jamal. I give you time to think about it. Because I see you. I'm gonna come back to you, I'm gonna come back to you, I promise. But for me, I think it's definitely I I I wholeheartedly agree with Jamal. Just something simple where it's just you and me, I would say electronics to a bare minimum. We pull them out if we need to, like if we want to be lazy and order some food from DoorDash, pull out our phones, order some food. But other than that, just you and me watching movies, chilling, just just enjoying each other's company. If I could just get that for a full day with no interruptions, nothing else, that that would be perfect for me. That would be perfect. Like, go we're gonna go back to Azari. I think he got it now. Like, let's hear, man. Now you got a good one.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:32

Whatever.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:34

Um, yeah, I'm just more of a surprise kind of guy. Well, I like to just get into random stuff. So it popped up at 10 o'clock at night and said, Let's go. I did have an ex like that. Um, his name was Smoke. He actually did pop up uh randomly one night and took me to Virginia for some odd reason. I forget where we went, some some resort place. But um, I had actually forgot it was our anniversary, and it was just I think I was having a particular bad day that day for some odd reason. It was, I don't know, but just the randomness and just knowing that somebody thought about me just to take me anywhere, I guess, was just enough.

SPEAKER_07 1:19:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:16

I can I can't. I guess just the thought.

SPEAKER_07 1:19:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:19

Just the fact they thought about you, like yeah, I understand that. What about you, uh, Chaos?

SPEAKER_01 1:19:26

Um, I am very easy to please. Um, but I I think if it's a day spent of trying new activities or like something different, I I think I'm more inclined to that. Like, let's let's go on an adventure, let's try this new activity. Hey, we know nothing about glass blowing. Let's go make a glass, let's make something. You know, that's kind of my thing. But then also, um, I guess we've been making for a while. Um, it's a little thing too. Um just like, I don't know, as you know, I like video games. So maybe like Azari said, you know, oh hey, we you know, I like video games. There's this new arcade or something that pops up. Everybody's been talking about it, and you know I that's when I wanted to go, so you take me there, that kind of thing. You know, things like that.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:23

Yeah. I must say, I I think every everybody is different. I mean, it's definitely different for everybody, and and I that's what I love about people being individuals. Because we don't have to like the same thing, we don't have to agree to the same thing because we're all different. So that I I agree with that. Go ahead, Azardi, and we're gonna go to uh Auntie Coco.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:46

I guess I I agree with that. I guess it's just like even though you might not particularly like everything that I like, I still appreciate the fact that you were gonna try or even just suffer through it just because you know it it's something I enjoyed.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:00

Definitely, because I know Chris hates musicals, but baby we be awesome musicals because I love them.

SPEAKER_09 1:21:07

So I know I know he hated us watching wiki. He was not into that at all.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:12

Oh, he didn't I don't know shoot, I ain't playing no time. He watched it. No, he he he watched it, but he he when he gets to the singing part, he he'll start losing interest, and when they get back to just talking, he'll start watching again. So, but yeah, he but he's not real big. I mean, he watched all the Medea plays with me, but yeah, if I try to get him to watch them again, he'd be like, Really? We gotta watch it again.

SPEAKER_10 1:21:32

Like Leo, that is our thing that we sit and watch Medea plays all day. And Twizzlers dry ass Twizzlers. First off, the Rainbow Twizzlers were not dry. Who's reaching for Twizzlers?

SPEAKER_08 1:21:52

Huh?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:52

Who's reaching for Twizzlers as a candy?

SPEAKER_08 1:21:55

Me and Twilight. Uh me and Leo.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:58

So y'all design HDMI card cords or side.

SPEAKER_10 1:22:01

Thank you.

SPEAKER_09 1:22:02

I mean rainbow twizzlers, they're softer. Yeah, eating the shit that they cover the cell phone cords with. Not the original Twizzlers. We're talking about the other ones. The rainbow ones, completely different.

SPEAKER_10 1:22:17

The ones with the shit in the middle. No, no, the original strangler. Then then you lost me. They're softer. They're really they're the softer licorice.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:25

Oh, like telephone cords. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:28

I was about to say, the only thing I thought of was a brown extension cord.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:31

So I still love them to this day.

SPEAKER_10 1:22:34

Yes, me too.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:36

You may have a cheese by the time you sit the case. Oh, enough time to kind of think about it. So go ahead, Auntie Coco.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:42

Uh well, considering I have been out of the dating game for quite some time, at this point in time in my life, my perfect date would be me and an elderly gentleman going down to the lawyer's office to make sure that I am the beneficiary of all his estate duplicates. Real she, this this real answer to it, I'm just saying, maybe him and Nicole Smith was on the sum, okay?

SPEAKER_02 1:23:12

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:15

Halloween.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:17

Well, you gotta be elderly though.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:19

Look, I'm gonna find this thing. I'm looking I'm gonna find me an elderly white gentleman at that, okay? But I'm getting the reparations one way or another.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:26

Why you gotta be elderly?

SPEAKER_00 1:23:28

Okay, well, that's it. Elderly white.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:29

Is that so you ain't gotta spend too long with it?

SPEAKER_00 1:23:32

Look, baby, I can just show him a titty and he's happy. That's it. I ain't gotta put in too much work.

SPEAKER_10 1:23:40

Please make please make sure his name ain't Charles. Oh my god. Nobody knows old man Charles.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:48

It's fine.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:49

Old man Charles, we know you're out there. Nobby knees and all.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:52

Listen, look, if you all got a grandpa that's rich and you don't like him that much, let me know.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:59

If I had a grandpa that was rich, don't you think I'd be in the wheel?

SPEAKER_00 1:24:04

Uh on a serious note, but I was serious. Um I feel like for me, I just being in the presence of somebody that I that I truly, you know, care about and love, in any moment can be made into a special moment. Um, I like doing even just like a drive around, like looking at Christmas lights or you know, going through a bookstore and like finding random books to kind of like read the synopsis, see if what we're interested in and stuff like that. To me, it's like a good date. It's a perfect date. You know, it's just how much you I know I hate the word using the word like how much y'all vibe together in a moment, but um just just how you feel with that person and and how you communicate and you know the ability the and how comfortable you feel just being yourself regardless of the setting when you're with that person to me makes the the perfect date.

SPEAKER_07 1:25:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_10 1:25:06

Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. I I think I have a question for uh for Auntie Coco. Okay, let's just now in the first part, I I need clarification. What is aggressively single?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:24

Uh aggressively single? I literally, when I say like I have zero interest in dating at all right now, it is like absolutely zero. Like I I got into it with my neighbor because he messaged me warning me to meet up with him and hang out in the hot tub, and I'm like, no. To the point where this motherfucker threat tomorrow, I can make it a problem from you. Bitch, come on because this AR-15, I'm gonna go glat, glack, glack, and I'm gonna give you a fucking family something to do for the weekend. Leave me alone.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:50

And there's and there's the aggressive part if you missed it.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:53

Like, literally, that yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 1:25:55

So I think if you attempt to change her mind, I was so in the past couple days, but you can just message me and ask that.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:10

Yeah, no, I just like right, I'm at like I just am at a place in life where I am happy, you know, just being where I am, being who I am, being alone in at this point. If there is somebody who is interested in dating me, and and people, it when it comes to the dating world, the first thing when people are trying to talk to you are like, oh, well, who am I competing with? And it's like there's no competition with anybody but myself, my comfortability being alone is what you have to compete with. And if you can't beat that, then I'm not interested. So that's just where I'm at. Could it change? Maybe. Like at this point, if my soulmate is out there, they're gonna have to break into the house, survive the gunshot one, and we can go from there. Oh, you suffered.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:55

Okay, uh, misery.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:58

That's the answer to your question. Icy know.

SPEAKER_10 1:27:01

I'm glad I got that answered because I needed that.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:04

Okay, so we are getting to that point, everyone. So I'm going to go ahead and ask one last question for us to go ahead and round through real quick. And what I want to know is people have expectations. Do you feel like some people's expectations are unrealistic?

SPEAKER_10 1:27:34

Yes. Why do you say yes, I think notes? I say yes, because I think a lot of times, and I think we all fall sh fall short or fall for this or and have illusions in our head, um, to the put on you you have this picture of what you want and and when it when you don't when it doesn't quite meet it. Which is why I keep my which why I keep my expectations low now, anyways. But you have this, you have this, uh you have this picture of what what how it should be, and then when you and it doesn't happen, and then you're getting all upset and not really just living in the moment and and like enjoying the person that you're dealing with at the time, and just actually learning them instead of judging them. I mean that's just how I feel about it.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:31

What about you uh, Azari?

SPEAKER_03 1:28:35

Uh yes and no. Uh, I think that anytime you say any type of standard expectation or whatever, like I think we were talking about earlier. Um if you can't meet it yourself, then you need to remove it from your list. Because if you can't meet that standard, you have no right to request or whatever that of somebody else. So um, in that aspect, yeah, I think that it can be a preference, I guess, but then when you yourself don't meet it, know you aren't meeting it, you can't, you you can no longer ask these things to somebody else until you meet your own standard.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:17

And yeah, agreed, fully agreed, fully.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:25

I think people's expectations aren't high, it's just you have these expectations with the wrong people. Too many times we base our expectations on a person's potential to be that. So we think, okay, they're capable, you know, they're showing that they can be potentially capable of that, or you know, well, because I know this, this, and that, and the other about them, I think they could absolutely end up eventually being like this, or if I love them hard enough, or do this and do that, then eventually they'll be what I need them to be. So I think it's more so learning to acknowledge people where they're at in life and who they are showing you to be versus what they could be, you know, and living in this like fairy tale in your mind. So if that person is not meeting, you know, your expectations, it's not that your expectations are too high, it's just you got your expectations, you know, with the wrong person. It's like it's it's not the right person for that. They're not cut out for the job.

SPEAKER_10 1:30:26

Or it could be timing too. I would say I would add on that timing.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:31

We have to acknowledge though, too, some expectations. Like we were talking earlier, expecting somebody to have all this sexual worldly knowledge and be an eighth-time renewed virgin is just unrealistic because the two things just you can't you can't have both.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:46

No, that's a delusion. That ain't an expectation, that is delusion.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:51

What about you, uh chaos?

SPEAKER_01 1:30:53

Um, I I think Coco really summed up because I was really trying to think about it, and I think that was perfectly answered, and I I think I'd agree with that. I think people, um, yeah, I think sometimes the expectation is not is not necessarily a bad thing, but yeah, you have these expectations of certain people, and maybe that person, you know, I would say can't meet your expectations. I mean, I guess can't meet it, but I don't know. Yeah, you yeah, maybe, yeah. I I I really don't know where I was going with that. I think I started to drift off a little bit if I'm if I'm so honest with you.

SPEAKER_07 1:31:30

That's a big time. We lost one to me.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:35

We lost all right, y'all. So with that being said, that is going to conclude our part two of dating as a black queer person. And just to give you guys a little hint on what the next section is kind of gonna bring you, even if you know what you want, where you're dating can change everything. So that's just a little hint on kind of where we're heading next in this segment. So with everyone here, you have me, King Leo, then we have Azari, we have Auntie Coco who was our special guest, and will be joining us on the next part of this little series. We have Icy Notes, and we then we have chaos. So, with that being said, everyone, thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you so much for listening. If you have any questions, comments, concern, or you want something for us to discuss while we're on here talking about this topic, just drop it in the comments. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and follow. We will see you guys on part three of dating as a black queer person on Who Gave Us the Mike Podcast. We'll see y'all later.