Episode 6: The Friendship Audit: Who Deserves a Seat at Your Second Act Table?

Episode 6:  The Friendship Audit: Who Deserves a Seat at Your Second Act Table?

Friendship in this season of life hits different — and not always in a cute way.

In this episode of Midlife: Interrupted & Unfiltered, Anne and Melissa get honest about the friendships that grow with us, the ones we outgrow, and the relationships that start to feel a little… off when we begin changing. Because as you evolve, your circle often does too — and not everybody automatically gets a front-row seat in your next chapter.

This is a real and empowering conversation about friendship, personal growth, boundaries, reinvention, loneliness, connection, and the courage it takes to reevaluate who belongs at your table. We’re talking about adult friendship, mismatched energy, emotional reciprocity, seasonal relationships, and why protecting your peace is not the same thing as being selfish.

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, disappointed, or like your friendships are shifting as your life changes, this episode is your reminder that it’s okay to take inventory. Not every relationship is meant to come with you forever — and making space for more aligned, life-giving connection is part of growth.

Expect some laughs, truth bombs, and the kind of validation that makes you feel less guilty about choosing quality over history.

If you’re looking for a podcast about friendship, boundaries, adult friendships, reinvention, personal growth, life transitions, emotional wellness, self-discovery, healthy relationships, and women’s empowerment, this episode is for you.

Because your second act deserves more than obligation friendships — it deserves real connection.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Last week we talked about what happens to all relationships when you start to change and evolve. So now let's talk about when your closest friendships start to change and shift.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Yep. They tell you that friendships are forever, right? And the real ones are surviving everything.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

And sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. I mean, both of those things are true.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

And today we're going to go in on friendships, the ones worth fighting for, and the ones that you've quietly outgrown, and the ones that you need to be consciously aware of and let go of. This is episode six, the friendship audit.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Who deserves a seat at your second act table?

SPEAKER_00 0:44

We're Melissa and Anne, and we're going to get uncomfortably honest today.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

And you've been warned. So welcome back to Midlife, Interrupted and Unfiltered. I'm Anne and a woman who has lost and gained friendships that have absolutely shaped who I am.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

And I'm Melissa, and someone who spent 20 years helping people navigate relationships and had my own hard work on this one.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

So last week in episode five, we talked about what happens in your relationship ecosystem when you change or evolve. And we introduced four responses: expansion, adjustment, resistance, and exit. And if you haven't listened, go back. Today builds on that conversation.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Yeah. And today we're going to actually talk about friendship specifically because in midlife, friendship gets complicated, right? And it's in a way that no one can warn you about. So we want to give you a framework and permission to evaluate what's working and what isn't. Okay, let's talk about a myth. Can we start by busting a myth, Ann? You bust it up. Okay, the myth is in quotes, real friendships last forever. And I want to respectfully say that's not always true. And believing it might be hurting you.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Because when a friendship ends or fades, you think, what's wrong with me, or what did I do wrong?

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Exactly. We pathologize friendship loss. When someone sometimes, well, leaves, it's just evolution. And people grow, right? Directions diverge, and that doesn't mean that either person failed the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

I remember reading somewhere that the average person has three to five truly close friends at any given time. And those people change throughout your life.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Yeah, and research actually backs those up. And in our 20s, we collect friends, right? We we go to college and school, we get jobs, we have our neighborhoods. Then in our 30s, we're in survival mode, right? With careers and kids. Our 40s and 50s, that's when we start to curate. And curation actually feels brutal if you've never given yourself permission to do it.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Curation, I like that word better than auditing. And not only does it feel better, but it sounds fancier as well. But although we're calling this episode the friendship audit, so maybe we have to stick with it. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Yeah, we're kind of committed to that right now. So why does midlife specifically shake up friendships? I think probably because a few things are happening at once.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

All right, Melissa, tell us what's happening and what happens all at once.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Okay. Well, first you're changing, right? We're changing rapidly. We've talked about values, we're clarifying those. Our priorities shift, right? And our tolerance for certain things is well.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

I know my tolerance for things that don't matter has essentially been zero. And I think it's growth, or at least that's what I'm choosing to believe in what I'm telling myself right now.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Right. I mean, it's definitely growth, but you also, second, like you also have less time, right? Kids are leaving or in college, you go visit them, they're adults, careers peak or pivot or change. We have parents that are aging in the margin, and your life is actually shrinking. So, of course, naturally you're going to be more selective of who gets your time and your energy.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

And time scarcity, I think, reveals a lot when you have to choose where you're spending that energy. It really does get real.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Right. And third, as we've talked about, your identity is shifting, right? In your 20s and 30s, a lot of our friendships were built on shared circumstances, proximity, same neighborhood, same school, stage of life. But when circumstances change, sometimes that friendship doesn't have the roots deep enough to actually survive.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Like proximity friendships versus soul friendships. I mean, that's a lot to think about, but it is something I do think about.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Totally. Soulmates, right? But then you have a fourth, and this is the one that no one ever talks about is that some friendships were built on a version of you, right? As we've talked about in the last episode, that just no longer exists. And not everyone in your life is going to be happy when you outgrow that version.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

And that's the hard one.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

It is. Okay, let's talk about the four-lens friendship audit. And you know, here we are. We have to evaluate things and we need a framework for that. So we want to evaluate friendships without feeling like we're a terrible person. So I want to use this four-lens audit that I often use without calling it this with my clients.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

All right. So as we all know, Mel has a framework for everything. You're gonna do this as well.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Yep, I am. So the four lenses are we're gonna start. The first is energy, then reciprocity, then growth, and then truth. And let's, I think we should go into each one. All right, let's start with energy. Energy, it's so, so, so important, right? And as a person who I can feel people's energy if it's negative or positive when they walk in a room, I can really relate to this one. So after you spend time with this person, this friend in person, maybe on the phone, maybe texting, ask yourself, how do I feel? Am I energized? Am I neutral? Or am I totally drained? This isn't about whether they're a good person or not. It's really about energy compatibility.

SPEAKER_01 6:16

I started paying attention to this one a few years ago, and it is uncomfortable and it really does take some reflection because some of the people who drained me were people I would known for years, and I deeply cared about them and enjoyed their friendship.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Right. And the fact that they drain drained you doesn't make them bad. It just might mean that friendship has run its natural course, or maybe something needs to be named or renegotiated in that relationship.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

That's so true. So then talking about like renegotiating, let's talk about lens two reciprocity, the give and take. I think this one's a really important one to me.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Exactly. It is. And the biggest question here is am I giving the same amount that they're giving? Is the investment mutual? Do they show up for you the way you show up for them, right? And I'm not saying that has this has to be perfectly equal all the time because sometimes life is lopsided. But over time, there has to be a genuine sense of mutual care and investment.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Yeah. And I totally believe in that mutual investment. I know I've had friendships where I felt like was always the one planning, calling, checking in. I was the person's rock. I was the one asking them all the questions about what was going on in their life without them asking me a single question. And I finally had to ask myself, if I stopped reaching out or if I stopped being this rock, would this friendship still exist?

SPEAKER_00 7:51

That's a really powerful question. And sometimes, unfortunately, the honest answer is no.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

It's so true. I mean, in several relationships, I think the honest answer was no. And it wasn't through anybody's fault. It was just the dynamics and the investment I don't think I was willing to continue to participate in. So let's go to lens three, growth.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

So three, does the friendship grow with you or does it grow you, right? Do they challenge you, make you think in a way maybe you didn't think before? Do they celebrate you, your family, your career, your milestones? Do they tell you the hard truths when you need to hear them? And do you respect that? Or does the friendship require you to stay small, stay safe, and stay the same and bite your tongue?

SPEAKER_01 8:45

And really, let's be honest, there's nothing worse than a friend who doesn't celebrate you, but you celebrate them. And so some friendships really, I think, are just historical. And maybe they end up being about who you were, and that the person that you're investing in isn't interested in who you're becoming.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Yep. And that's where there's this nostalgia value, right? In that because it is, you have these wonderful memories. And I'm not saying that those friendships are now worthless because be honest with yourself, friendships absolutely are worth everything. That's what friendship is, but you have to put in the effort the same way.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

And you have to look at what the friendship is versus what maybe you wish it were. So, you know, looking at that and whether or not it's going to continue to grow really is an audit, I think. So let's go to lens four, truth.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Yeah, truth and honesty. And I learned at a young age that one of the most important values I had was honesty and truth and transparency. And so you have to ask yourself, can you be honest in this friendship? Can you show up your imperfect, messy, struggling, maybe sometimes negative um self and be received without judgment, right? Or do you have to perform, right? Perform this version of yourself just to keep the peace.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Oh, this one. I believe me, I've spent years in friendships where I felt like I couldn't like say certain things and I bit my tongues and didn't say what I was really thinking. You don't do that anymore. What to say to somebody, and I couldn't admit like if they did something that hurt me or hurt my feelings, because I knew that the response would be either dismissal of the feelings or the thoughts I had, or just be plain judgmental.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

And neither one's good.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

No, it's tiring, right? And lonely because if you're surrounded by people that you can't be real with, it's like, you know, one of the loneliest experiences you can have.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

And not only lonely, but like exhausting and putting on this facade of who you really aren't and trying to invest in something that just isn't you anymore.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

I tend to go inward sometimes with that. Like if I'm in a situation, I'm like, I'm not with my people or I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable. I almost go into introvert mode, which is so not me.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

That is so not you. And so, all right, let's talk about then when they're trying to interrupt that loneliness, that performance. That's why we're here of trying to navigate that.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Yep. So, what who are the friendships that are worth fighting for, Ian?

SPEAKER_01 11:43

All right, so we're gonna spend time on that issue, the other side. So, not the audit, but the other side, which is what friendships are really worth fighting for, because it's not all loss. This work on yourself and on your relationship also reveals the friendships that really are worth everything and are worth fighting for.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Yes. And this audit isn't just about who you let go of, it's also about recognize recognizing like who to hold on to and who to hold on to tighter.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

And how do you know when you're thinking about this that friendship is worth fighting for?

SPEAKER_00 12:27

I mean, I think there are a few signs, right? The friendship number one has had to have survived adversity before, right? It's been tested, maybe bent, and it didn't break.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

And then there's the sign of that there's genuine goodwill. And even if you've hurt each other, you both want to repair it and you both want to move on. And there's no scorekeeping of who's helped who win or who's done what for the other person.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Exactly. And you can have hard conversations, is number three, right? The relationship can hold space for each other with honesty, and it doesn't shatter.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

And this one's super important to me for they celebrate you, genuinely celebrate you without envy, without the need to diminish you to make themselves feel better. And I really think that, especially as women, to find friends who really do celebrate you and your accomplishments is like very unique. And once you find those people versus competing, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Because women are there's such a competitive nature to women in general, just the jealousy. Yeah. And I think the fifth one, I guess, would say when someone sees you for who you're becoming, not who you were, but who you're becoming and the things that you're doing and are so interested and vested in your future, not just your history, those are worth keeping.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Definitely, definitely. And I definitely have a small handful of those friendships, which I totally treasure and I'm very grateful for. And they really do mean the world to me.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Same. And that's the thing, right? You don't need a hundred friends. I don't, and I don't want a hundred friends. You don't have time for a hundred friends. No, you just need the right ones at similar values. And I think fact, like I and shout out to my childhood friend, I won't say where her name, but we've been friends literally since we were babies, and we have been together through thick and thin ups and downs. And we maybe talk once every, I don't know, five months on the phone, but we'll text every once in a while. But it's like picking up when we were 10.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

And I bet that you guys have evolved together.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

And that you've been through struggles together, and you're probably each other's biggest cheerleaders.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Absolutely. Through thick and thin.

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Okay, so we've talked about the friendships that are worth fighting for and childhood friends, yeah. Right. And how those can evolve. Now let's talk about making new friends. That's so scary. It is, but I think we need to talk about it because like it is somewhat awkward.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

Yeah, it's so awkward. It's like basically dating, right? Without the romantic tension.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

I know. And I've been at events and stuff and been like, oh, that person looks like I would click with them and they're, you know, seem really cool and that we'd have things in common, but you don't necessarily want to go to both.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

I know, I know.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Right. So we talked about those friendships that we've had for a while, or years, or childhood friendships, the ones that are worth fighting for. Now let's talk about making new friends in midlife. So let's talk about that for a second, because I mean, the first thing that comes to my mind is awkward.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

My God, it's so awkward. It's basically dating, right? Without the romance.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

I know. It's like, have you been like at an event before and you see someone, you're like, I think I would really click. Like you feel like cool energy with them, but then it's like, well, do I go up to them and like want to be your friend without being like a stalker or weirdo?

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Right. It's totally like, I mean, we're not wired for that the same way we were right at 25. And maybe when you're 25, we could have been partying, and maybe we're not now. And so the nerves, like, we don't have these built-in structures anymore. We don't have college, we don't have our first job, we don't have this new neighborhood. So you have to literally be intentional, like, oh, I feel good energy from her.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

So your clients who are kind of like in the midlife and they're looking to expand their friendship circle. So what do you tell them?

SPEAKER_00 16:36

And it's not even midlife. I'd say a lot of mid-20, early 30s somethings that might move here for a job, right? And the most important thing is one, just show up, right? Just get yourself out there because, you know, and same with us in midlife is these friendships that develop, particularly for us, are often formed around shared activities, right? Or classes or boards or maybe volunteer work, maybe podcasts, right? Maybe communities online. And so just be present in the spaces that you know you're passionate about and that light you up.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

And I know I've mentioned Pilates more than once. That has been, it's been fun to be part of a community and meet different people who I otherwise wouldn't have connected with. And that's been fun. And that's a benefit that I didn't really think would come from.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Right. I mean, I the same with my running group. It's like people I would never meet if I wasn't in that running group. Now I have to show up and go to the running group, which I don't often always do, but that's okay. Okay, so the second thing is okay, just show up, right? Be present, and then you have to be willing to put yourself out there, right? And go first. So the reality is midlife women are starving for a real connection. And no one ever wants to be the first one to be vulnerable, right? So just put yourself out there, be that first one.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

And so that's a growth edge for me for sure, because typically in my career, I'm trained. I don't want to go first, you know. So that's a growth edge. I'll work on that, Melissa.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

You really need to, okay? Um, okay, and then the third, let these friendships develop at their own pace, right? Some of the deepest friendships that you will make might take years to build. So, you know, look at your past, right? So give it time to evolve.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

And I think, you know, putting the time and effort in, if it's something that you're genuinely interested in cultivating, it is worth the time and take the time to develop that friendship. So we have basically of showing up and then be willing to put yourself out there and let that friendship develop at its own pace. And then number four, look for the women who are also kind of evolving and putting the work into themselves, right?

unknown 18:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:58

The ones who are growing, changing, asking hard questions, really trying to be better versions of themselves.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Those are the people that you're likely going to feel that pull towards and connection with.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

And they are out there. And everyone listening, by the way, that we want this community to be that for you as well. So if you're listening and you are, if you hear this, you are exactly the people we're trying to find. Okay, it's that time for action. It's homework, and we're calling it the friendship audit. But what's the other word we use, Ann, earlier?

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Curation.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

Okay, well, we can change that, the friendship curation, but the title's still audit.

SPEAKER_01 19:41

All right, so get a piece of paper or get your app note up in your phone because Melissa's going to give you your action items. So you want to jot these down. And go ahead, Melissa, tell them how to start.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Okay, we're gonna draw three concentric circles, right? So little circle, then a bigger, and then a bigger. And the inner circle, that little one in the middle, those are your ride or dies, right? Those are the people who know everything who show up without being asked, who do you call at 2 a.m.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Okay, then the middle circle. So those are the meaningful friendships, the people you care about, the people who care about you, but maybe you're not in each other's deepest confidence.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Right, right. And then the outer circle, those are the acquaintances, right? Those are people you like, you enjoy to be around them, you have history with them, but it's surface level.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

So now let's talk about using those four lenses of energy, reciprocity, growth, and truth as you look at these three uh concentric circles. So ask yourself is everyone in the right circle? Is there somebody in that inner circle who maybe belongs in the middle circle instead? Or is there somebody in that outer circle who really deserves to move in?

SPEAKER_00 21:10

And then the harder question, right? Is there anyone in any circle who's costing you more than they're giving, who's bringing negative or lack of drained energy or draining your energy, not in a cold-blooded way, in a loving, honest, I need to be real with myself, right? Because I only have so much time in a day.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

And you don't have to do anything, right? You could just like this is for your own kind of awareness of the relationship. So you don't have to do anything with it. Just the goal of these actions are to just see it clearly and see these friendships clearly and what they're bringing to your life.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Right. And being honest. So if you after you do this, if you want to share, we'd love it. Take a picture of your audit and tag us on Instagram at the dot interruption, or you can send it privately and DM or to our email at interrupt at midlife iu.com. We really would love to see your circles, obviously with initials or made up names. Thanks for listening on that.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

This episode does a line in a short amount of time talking about all these different friendships and relationships. So if you are sitting right now with some type of grief about a friendship that didn't make it, we totally get it. We see you, we understand. The grief is real. It means the friendship meant something and it's beautiful even when it hurts. But it did serve its purpose for you at a certain time in your life.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Mm-hmm. And opposite of that, if you're feeling hopeful and excited to invest in friendships that light you up, we're here for that.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

So next week we're gonna go somewhere that I just don't like talking about in public.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Yeah, me neither, because we're gonna talk about marriage. Hear that, husbands, marriage, midlife reinvention, and what happens to these long-term partnerships when one or both of you is fundamentally changing.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

It's gonna be good and uncomfortable, like all of our podcasts are, in a very best way.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

So subscribe, leave us a review, and share this episode with a woman who needs to hear it. And we'll see you next week. We are midlife interrupted and unfiltered. Interrupt that narrative and live unfiltered. See you next time.