Episode 8: Falling in Love with Yourself First

Episode 8:  Falling in Love with Yourself First

What if the relationship that needs the most attention… is the one you have with yourself?

In this episode of Midlife: Interrupted & Unfiltered, Anne and Melissa talk about the powerful, complicated, and sometimes wildly overdue journey of coming back to yourself. Because somewhere along the way, a lot of us got really good at showing up for everyone else while quietly abandoning our own needs, joy, voice, and truth.

This is an honest, uplifting, and empowering conversation about self-love, healing, confidence, self-worth, personal growth, identity, and learning how to choose yourself without guilt. We’re talking about inner critic nonsense, people-pleasing burnout, reconnecting with what you actually want, and why building a better life starts with building a better relationship with yourself.

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, depleted, or like you’ve spent too much time putting yourself last, this episode is your reminder that choosing yourself is not selfish — it’s necessary. Loving yourself first doesn’t mean shutting the world out. It means finally coming home to who you are.

Expect truth bombs, laughter, encouragement, and the kind of loving kick in the pants that helps you stop waiting for outside validation and start becoming your own safe place.

If you’re looking for a podcast about self-love, self-worth, healing, confidence, personal growth, identity, mindset shifts, emotional wellness, self-discovery, and women’s empowerment, this episode is for you.

Because the most important love story of your life might be the one where you finally stop leaving yourself behind.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Can I ask you something personal? I understand. Oh god. Alright. When was the last time you were generally kind to yourself? Not self-care. I don't mean like a bubble bath or a glass of wine. I mean actually kind. The way you'd be kind to like me when I was struggling.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

I don't need you to define the time frame.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

This week. This month. Oh my gosh. Well, this is where we're starting today because um not self-care. We're not talking about wellness routines. We're talking about the actual relationship you have with yourself. How do you talk to yourself? How do you treat yourself? Do you even like yourself? That's the questions we're gonna ask today, Ann.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

Okay, let's be clear. I do like myself. Okay, well, good. So episode eight of midlife, interrupt and unfiltered, falling in love with yourself first. And it is way harder than it sounds. Yeah. So welcome back. I'm Anne, and I just admitted on the podcast that I have not been kind to myself in a measurable amount of time, per Melissa's definition.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

And yes, and I admit, I'll be honest, I struggle with this on a regular basis.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

So over the past four weeks, we've been on a journey through the relationships in our lives. Episode five, what happens to all of your relationships when you change? Episode six was the friendship audit. And episode seven was marriage and midlife reinvention.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

In every one of those episodes, there was a thread running underneath all of it.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

And that was the relationship with yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Yep. And every friendship pattern, every marital friction point, every relational dynamic we've discussed, it all traces back to this the way that you see yourself, what you believe you deserve, and whether you're actually living from your true self, or what we talked about a lot, this version of this performance that you feel like you need to do. And in this episode, we're going all the way in.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

So, what loving yourself actually means. So, to be honest, when people say love yourself, I have that viral response. Like, are you freaking kidding me?

SPEAKER_00 2:29

I mean, you have that a lot. So let's let's explain that to them. What tell us more about that?

SPEAKER_02 2:34

I don't know. It feels like it means like, okay, like love yourself, buy an expensive candle, get a massage. Oh, have you tried a bubble bath? Like, really?

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Yeah, that's not what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

I know it's clearly not what we're talking about, but I still roll my eyes. Let's just be clear.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

So let's reframe it. So when I think of the self-relationship, I think of it almost in three layers, right? Again, very structural, but self-love, or what I often say is conscious self-relationship, like really being conscious of how you view and love yourself, that encompasses all three.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

All right. So let's peel back these layers. Layer one.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Self-awareness. And, you know, we'll talk about EQ probably in a future emotional intelligence episode, but self-awareness is key to EQ as well. But really knowing who you are. What are your values? What do you need? What are your pain points and wounds? What are the patterns that you follow? Not who you performed yourself to be, or maybe you created for others, not who other people need you to be, but who is your actual self? Are you aware of that person?

SPEAKER_02 3:51

And that's really harder than it sounds because a lot of us have been performing for so long. And basically being a person that others need us to be, then we've lost track of that original person.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Yeah. So let's talk about. So you have this like conscious self-awareness, but then there's this self notion of self-compassion, and it's the way you talk to yourself, right? Like if you fail, if you make a mistake, if you struggle, like how do you talk to yourself? And there is an author and a researcher that I love, and her name is Dr. Kristen Neff. And she has a whole website and really writes about how self-compassion is the single greatest predictor of resilience, not self-esteem, not self-compassion. And she's written a couple books that I'll mention. One is self-compassion, one is mindful self-compassion for burnout. So those of you who are working and feeling burnout, it's a great book. And one is fierce self-compassion and many more. I often use her actually her values list in a lot of my work that I do.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

So then the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is what?

SPEAKER_00 5:01

So self-esteem is conditional, right? It's based on your performance and it's comparing things. Self-compassion is unconditional. It says, I'm worthy. I'm worthy of kindness. Even if I'm not performing well, I'm worthy.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

And that's a pretty revolutionary concept for high achievement.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Trust me.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Yeah, it really is. And and and you have to add like that third layer, which is commitment or self-commitment, which is like actually following through on what you're saying to yourself and what you value. So you're not only just aware and you're not only self-compassionate, but you're keeping the promises to yourself and actually treating your own needs as legitimate rather than on the last thing on the list.

SPEAKER_02 5:42

Because most of us like would never break a promise to a client, a friend, a child, a spouse, but I guarantee we break promises to ourselves daily without a second thought. I know I do.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Oh, every time we do. We're sending ourselves the message you don't matter enough. So let's talk a little bit about this like midlife mirror, right? And when I say that, I mean it has this interesting function, midlife. It shows us and almost opens our eyes to who we actually are. And whether you want to actually look in the mirror or not, you're gonna see your reflection.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

And sometimes what you see might surprise you.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Right. And I've had clients, and I'm sure Anne, you have too, high-powered women, accomplished women, right? Who hit maybe their late 40s, maybe in their late 30s, and realize I don't really know who I am outside of these other roles, right? I'm a mom, a wife, I'm an executive, partner, attorney, whatever. If I strip away all those things, like who's left?

SPEAKER_02 6:45

And whoever's left, when you strip away all those roles, that's gonna be a moment of clarity, right? A question that needs an answer and it demands an answer.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Absolutely. And the question shouldn't be scary, right? But I'll say avoiding the question, that's when you should be scared because most women look away, they get busier and they add more to their plate and they fill up the space that you don't have to think about it.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

And that's because sitting with who I am in any work sitting with that question, it's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Yeah. Sitting with any emotion is uncomfortable, but it's important work and it's the most important work we'll ever do.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

So, what happens if you do look? And what happens if you really sit with that question of who am I and sit with that uncomfortableness?

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Personally, I think it's something amazing because you start to remember, or maybe you don't remember, you only discover it for the first time who you actually are, your real preferences, your actual values, the things that light you up when no one's watching and nothing's expected of you, and you realize it yourself.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

The unconditioned self, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Absolutely, and guess what? She's a rock star.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

So let's talk about the inner critic and the enemy of that self-love. So let's name the biggest obstacle to this work because it doesn't matter how much we say love yourself, if there's a voice in your head that is actively dismantling the effort, you're never gonna get where you need to be.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

No, the inner critic, right? The voice that says, You're too much, you're not enough. Who the hell do you think you are? You've missed your window, move on, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:32

And so, like to me, and based on my career, that inner critic sounds like an opposing lawyer, very sharp, very skilled, very critical, and cross-examining every thought and every decision.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Of course you do. Of course you guys, you guys. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

And for a long time, like I really thought that voice was keeping me sharp and keeping me humble and keeping me working really hard. So what changed? Well, I realized I I would never like say things to a client or a friend or things that I might actually say to myself. I'd never be that critical of anyone. And I'd never say to somebody who came to me for help, well, you brought that on yourself. You should have seen this coming. How did you not know that was gonna happen? You're not as strong as you think. That would be a big problem if I did that.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Right. So, you know, why is it okay to say it to yourself if you wouldn't say it to others? And and research is actually really clear on this that the inner critic voice isn't you, it's accumulated messaging that you hear from your past, whether it's from growing up, from family members, from your culture, maybe it's your religion. I hear that a lot. Maybe it's from failed relationships or comparison of cultures, right? It's a protection mechanism or what we call a defense mechanism that got overzealous.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

And maybe it started trying to protect you in some way, but then it stayed way too long that it became detrimental.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Way too long. And the first step to loving yourself is learning to recognize this little monster in our heads and our ears, or whatever you want to call it, a bee, buzzing bee, and separate it from your actual voice and like consciously choose a different response to that voice.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Because honestly, you can't fall in love with yourself and love yourself the way you need to love yourself. If the critic is always running the narrative.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Absolutely right. You cannot. So let's talk a little bit, let's kind of talk about this self-relationship with ourselves and get practical, right? So if I want to build or maybe rebuild this relationship with myself and not listen to this little critic, where do you know, where do I start? Where do they start? Not with bubble baths. Uh uh. Definitely not bubble baths. Although, no judgment if you enjoy them. I personally enjoy Epsom salts, but you know, a good bath is a relaxing thing.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

All right, go on.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

So now that you know we all enjoy baths, we need to get some executable practices.

unknown 11:18

Dan?

SPEAKER_02 11:19

All right. So what do you do?

SPEAKER_00 11:21

So let's start with like in the morning. Okay, so before you, when you wake up, before you pick up your phone, before you plan your day, right? Is it unreasonable to ask yourself three questions? How am I feeling right now? What do I need today? And what's one thing I can do today that's just for me? And maybe it's not in just the morning, maybe you put this in your planner to do when you first get to your office or whatever you do for work.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

And actually, I started doing that and it sounds small, but really while it only takes a few minutes, it's not small. It really does set the tone for your day, and especially if you journal it or write it down. Because then, too, when you see it throughout the day, it makes it more real and holds yourself accountable.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Absolutely. And I watched you journal it. I remember being, I think we were maybe in Florida or something, and you had your journal. I was so impressed. I'm like, gosh, she really does this, and I should do that. See, you guys, we're not, we're definitely not always practitioners of what we're sharing here. But I think the second thing is really reminding yourself of what your values are. What are those top five values? When you look at your calendar for the week, right? You know, really think what how much actual time am I spending on reflecting those values? Is there a gap between what I value and what I'm actually living, what I'm actually doing? And when you see there is a gap, that's where kind of you're almost like betraying your own life.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

And I actually did this, and it was somewhat uncomfortable because my values included things like creativity, connection, things that would help me continue on this rook journey. My calendar was probably 95% filled with other people's needs at once.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

Yeah. And that's information, right? This is this discomfort is information. I think the other thing we have to think about is having this sounds so strange, but this body conversation, right? Like listening to your body as a source of data. So not just a vessel to carry your head around. Like again, we've talked a lot about energy with relationships, but when do you feel energized within yourself? Or when do you feel drained with what you're doing? And how does your body know that something's right or wrong when your mind might be ignoring it?

SPEAKER_02 13:44

So in my career, and quite honestly, in my years in high school and college, too, with gymnastics, I spent like my entire life treating my body like a highly trained work machine. And it was when I started listening to it that things changed and like listening really to where am I carrying tension? Where am I carrying the stress?

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Wow. And I think that is so important. And do you feel like I'm just curious, do you feel like you still do that? Carry the tension? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

I think so, but I know how to work through it and I know to notice it. Does that make sense? Yeah. To be aware of it, yeah. And be like, okay, well, this, and then think, okay, well, am I carrying this tension because I'm processing this in a certain way that maybe I could reframe that issue?

SPEAKER_00 14:34

That's really interesting. And I just to add to the body conversation, right? There's this self-compassion thing that I talked about earlier. And when you catch yourself, whether whether it's with the tension and then a critical thought, maybe try to say, What would I say to my best friend if she said this to herself and say that to yourself instead? I I do this with clients a lot when they're doing that in in session. I'll say, Well, you know, what would the person, your best friend, say, or what would your mom say, or what would your friend say your husband? And the reality is they wouldn't, they wouldn't say that.

SPEAKER_02 15:10

And the reality is most of us have thoughts in our head and about ourselves that we would never say or think about somebody else. So I'm sure this self-compassion practice of thinking, okay, I wouldn't say that to myself. What would a friend say to me probably feels really awkward at first.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Yeah, actually, really awkward. And so if we keep going, let's think about what does feel pleasurable, right? Like what does bring me energy? And I think it's important to make that list. Write down the things that you generally enjoy and not things you're supposed to enjoy or things you're supposed to be doing or productive to do's. So when did you last do those things? And if you didn't, why not?

SPEAKER_02 15:56

So I think my sneak so good. I love going longs with my dog. Can't say it loud. No, I will hear. And then I love reading, especially from mindless fiction. I love doing puzzles. I started a thousand piece for express puzzle after Thanksgiving, and I just finished it like two weeks ago.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

I love that movie. My family hates it. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

And it was a lot, and oh, I love watching reality TV. I was watching Wheel Housewives of Salt Lake City when I was working out today. So I apologize about my reality TV binging. Let the record show. I know, and the record will show because this is on audio and I know I'm putting it out there. But like some of those things I haven't done in months, like sitting there with a good book um or taking a long W A okay with my dog. And when I do do it though, like it's freeing, it's fun, it's relaxing, and really showing myself that self-care is a great feeling.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

Well, I hope that you get to do it next week because I know you're gonna say next week is a vacation week. So I think this is important to say about why is self-care and self-love and self-compassion the foundation of everything. And I want to bring us back to the bigger picture because someone out there, if you're listening, you might be thinking, okay, this is nice, but like, isn't this a bit ridiculous and self-indulgent?

SPEAKER_02 17:28

And the woman who needs to hear this the most is the one rolling her eyes right now, like me.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

You were here. You were rolling your eyes. I know. You love to roll your eyes. Seriously, though, here's the truth you can't give from an empty cup. And you know, I've often heard this from my stepdad quite often, and he's always like, You need to take care of yourself, you need to take care of yourself. And I took it took years for me to realize I actually do need to take care of myself. But every relationship we've discussed this month, and in this topic of relationships, whether it's the friendship, ecosystem, the marriage, the partnership, is directly affected by the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

And when you don't know what you value, you can't communicate it to other people.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Right. Because when you don't know what you need, you can't ask for it.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

And if you don't believe you're worthy of the relationships you want, then you'll accept relationships that you don't want and aren't worthy of you.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Absolutely. But if you do do this work, the women who do this work and generally commit to knowing, understanding, treating themselves with love, they're the ones who build the most extraordinary second acts in their careers and their relationships and their lives, and all of you listening, that can be you. You just have to make the choice.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

And this is the whole point of this whole podcast, not just to name midlife chaos, but to give you the tools to design your midlife and what comes next.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

It starts here with the most important relationship in your life, which is with yourself. So, okay, we're already at that time. It's time for action. So your action item for this week, and honestly, for the rest of your life, is the self-love letter.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

All right. So I'll be the first to admit. This sounds completely cheesy. We're gonna do it anyway, and you all are gonna do it anyway. So take it a ring now.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

So here's what you're gonna do you're gonna find 20 minutes alone. You're gonna bring a paper and a pencil, or you're gonna bring your phone if you like to write in your notes page, and you're gonna write yourself a letter. And in this letter, what are you gonna tell?

SPEAKER_02 19:42

I mean, you're gonna start by telling yourself what you're proud of, not what others are proud of you for, but what you yourself are most proud of.

SPEAKER_00 19:53

Yep. And you're gonna tell yourself what you forgive yourself for because there's something you're still carrying, and that deserves to be released and let go.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

And then you're gonna tell yourself what you're excited about and what's ahead in your second act.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

And then, of course, you're gonna close your letter with one commitment, one action, one thing you're gonna do to honor yourself in the next 30 days.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Seal it's date it and keep it somewhere where you're gonna find it again. And I would say put that 30-day date on your calendar so you make sure that you take that action item within the 30 days of your sealing up that envelope.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Absolutely. And if you want to share a line from your letter, just one, something that struck you, please tag us on Instagram at the.interruption or email us at interrupt at midlifeio.com and share it. You can direct message us, but it's just the part that you want to say out loud and share it because once you put it out there in the universe, you're gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

So closing out this relationships pillar, we spent four episodes going deep into relationships in your life, in our lives. And we want to acknowledge that it was other than that.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

Mm-hmm. And if you've been sitting with some grief, maybe, maybe even some anger or some recognition that that's exactly what we would expect. This work and these topics are not comfortable, but that's why we're bringing them to you because they're essential.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

So, what is a recap, asset violence, your relationship ecosystem, changes when you change? It's to be expected and navigated consciously.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

In episode six, we talked about auditing your friendships. Uh hold on to the ones worth holding, but release those that require you to be smaller.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

And in episode seven, it was your long term partnership is either growing with you or it isn't. And you get to decide what to do with that.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Episode eight, which is this one, is the foundation for everything that this relationship means that you have with yourself. Know her, be kind to her, and choose her. So now, where do we go with this? It's like, oh my gosh, we've covered like all these things about reinvention and relationships. And where are we gonna go next?

SPEAKER_02 22:18

I think now we need to talk about a topic in our next pillar that women often don't spend enough time on.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:28

Finances and money. I think that's right on. And really being in control of your finances and your money and your financial future.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Okay. I'm excited for that. And I know you're really good at that. So subscribe to our podcast so you never miss an episode. Leave us a review, it means more than you know.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

So share this episode with women who needs to hear it. And every share brings one more woman into this experience.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

We're midlife, interrupted unfiltered. Interrupt that narrative. Live unfiltered. See you next time. Bye.