Winning at Work but Losing at Home? How to Fix the Balance

Are you crushing it at work but crumbling at home? In this episode of the Love and Leadership Podcast, married hosts Trent and Star Postell get real about the hidden cost of professional success on your most important relationships. From bringing work stress home to missing family milestones, they share personal stories about seasons when career ambition nearly cost them everything that mattered most.

Trent opens up about his time in the mortgage industry when late nights and relentless deadlines left him with nothing to give his wife and kids. Star shares the hard truth about being physically present but emotionally absent as a working mom. Together, they reveal the intentional strategies that saved their marriage, including their famous 50 First Dates challenge, daily dialogue rituals, and the boundaries that protect what matters most.

Whether you are climbing the corporate ladder, running a business, or just trying to balance it all, this conversation will challenge you to rethink what real success looks like.

In This Episode:

•      The early warning signs that work is costing your relationships

•      Why we perform better for strangers than for our own families

•      The season that forced Trent to quit his job and come home

•      Star's powerful question: What will I be most proud of tomorrow?

•      How 50 First Dates became a marriage-saving tradition

•      Dialogue daily, date weekly, depart quarterly

•      Why boundaries are protection, not limitations

SEO Keywords: work life balance, marriage and career, leadership and relationships, winning at work losing at home, couple goals, marriage advice, faith and family, intentional marriage, work stress and relationships, entrepreneurship and marriage, healthy boundaries, relationship alignment, leadership podcast

Hashtags: #LoveAndLeadership #WorkLifeBalance #MarriageAdvice #LeadershipPodcast #FaithAndFamily #IntentionalMarriage #RelationshipGoals 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You don't give second best to somebody who has devoted years and years to you. You know, put them on the forefront even more so than you did while you were dating. And today we're going to be talking about work-life balance. So this episode's topic is winning at work shouldn't mean losing at home.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Have you ever seen someone have public success but then privately struggle? Well, that happens because a lot of times leadership success sometimes can hide our relational struggles. And we see it all the time in different areas. Our great CEOs, sometimes of corporations, and then sometimes our politicians, even, and our great pastors and ministry leaders, they often have success out front and publicly what they're doing to organizations, but they fall at home. They have struggles and their downfall of the organization depends on what happens in those areas. But why does that happen? So what we have to ask ourselves is, you know, what happens with professional success causes our issues with our personal relationships. We're going to dive into that today. And we're going to want to make sure that we have alignment in certain areas. When it comes to the love and leadership, it has to go into a balanced place, not just professionally, but also personally. So let's talk about that balance.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

Okay. Um, so a little fun fact that people might not know is that we've worked together multiple times. Yes. So not only do we own businesses together now and have worked with each other for the last 12 years since we founded our first business, but even in college and while we were dating. So we worked together um at a restaurant and at an insurance agency and um just a few different places.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Ministry, church, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

We've served in ministry together.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

In the same department, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:21

And so um, you know, I I think we have just a unique perspective because we've seen each other at work while working together and at home. And um, and then even being able to see, you know, those those stresses that come home with you and how that affects and you know plays out in in our personal life. Yeah, absolutely. So it's been a journey for sure. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

And it's funny, is because, you know, like I said, a lot of times most people work opposite, you know, they work and have their own, you know, careers and their own places of work and its own area. But when you share that space, you share the stress there. And then you come home and you still share the same stress, right? And so of the home and the workplace. And so for us, we didn't get a chance to really escape it, you know, for the last, especially for the last uh couple of years, right? Almost decade, right? And so, but I think that when we were working early together, it was almost like training ground, you know, it was almost kind of like you're preparing us for what we didn't know was gonna happen. So God has these funny ways of doing things for you because had we not had that, it might have been a lot harder, right? Yeah, for us to probably even deal with the struggles we did, you know, trying to work together and you know, have our family and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

And I don't know if you remember this. Um, I mean, you probably do, but we we never talk about it. But um, at the first uh place when we worked together, we were at a restaurant and I had already been working at that restaurant and I was what they call the certified trainer. So I was the one that trained all the new people and I actually had to train you. You remember that? Yep. Um, so I would say it was probably one of the most frustrating things. Trent's very confident and he he's also a very quick learner, but that can also, you know, especially when we were uh as young as we were, that could kind of play off as arrogance. So a lot of times, you know, I'm very meticulous. The way we work is very different. Our personalities are very different. So I'm very meticulous and I like to go all the way from A to Z. We're gonna touch based on each each section, you know, and go through it front and back.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

I'm a free will, we'll just I'll just I'll figure it out, I'll get it done. You know, just give it to me real quick, the tip points, and then I'll figure it out in the middle, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:25

Yeah, you're the type of person that wants to learn by doing, not by instructions. And um, and that was very challenging for me because I'm like, hey, I'm I'm the one teaching you this, you know, be quiet and listen to what I'm saying. And you were like, nope, I got it, I got it. So, but it but like you said, it's funny that over the years we've had multiple opportunities to work together. And I feel like, you know, this many years into, you know, literally 25 years ago was that first place that we worked with um, with each other. And then, you know, seeing our journey from there to now and learning how to capitalize on each other's, you know, strengths and differences and and um and and trying to figure out how to leave the stress at work and not bring it home, or just even, you know, acknowledging that it just is what it is some days, yeah, I think has helped us a lot. So all right, let's dive into this topic.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

And so, and just kind of even talking about that, you know, um this first question I have for you, um, talking about the early signs of leadership success and how it can start costing the relationships, you know, like I I really feel that, you know, it's easier to succeed in the workplace, right? Because like you don't have the pressure of the people that know you, right? That you have to come home to and you feel like I can perform better out for strangers than I have to for the people that you know, right? So, so let's talk about that a little bit. You know, tell me some of the early signs of leadership success is starting that starts to cost, you know, relationships and in the home.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Um, I mean, I think obviously the most obvious one is that you bring this the stress home. So you can tell that there's starting to be a shift and a disconnect and uh boiling over when that person is struggling at work because all of a sudden now, you know, home is a tense place, you know, like we're walking on eggshells, or every every little thing can set that person off or can make them irritated, or things that didn't bother them before all of a sudden are bothering them now. Um, and so I think that's probably our first clear sign that, you know, something is off balance and something's not right. Um, I know for me personally, um, especially in my earlier journey with leadership, a lot of my self-worth was found on what I could do performance-wise. So, of course, a lot of that was either at school, you know, college, or eventually uh professionally. And I think that's another huge sign is when that person's self-worth is their professional worth versus themselves, you know, like who they are as a uh a person is is put to the back burner because of uh, you know, what they can do as far as their performance.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Yeah. And a lot of times too, yeah, I think about, you know, success comes with getting a promotion or a raise or going to the next place, right? But what comes with that? Stress, more responsibility. And so a lot of times, you know, although you work so hard to get to that next place to get that raise to get, and then what happens is that stress comes with it, and then you bring it home and it's like, well, how do you deal with it there? So if there's not already been a safe place at home or like there's not communication between, you know, spouses or, you know, you know, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever the case may be, that relational, you know, talking about, you know, either, hey, we're gonna have a space space where we both can talk about what's happening, our stresses, the good things that happen, or are we gonna be like, you know what, let's find something that allows for us to get have a separate outlet that allows for us to be able to not take it out on the other person, right? Because having those outlets are important, you know, because if you just bring your stress home and then you take it out on the people that are closest to you, then if that's all they see of you, then now they're gonna have such a negative view of you, right? And that's where that tension starts. And then sometimes you can't even then get back from that because then after that's happened for so long and then you try to go back and apologize, the hurts already set in, you know?

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Yeah, and you can definitely create, you know, like uh strategies that don't work and pathways that you continue to go on over and over, and then that becomes, you know, second nature and becomes your default setting. And and I like what you mentioned about, you know, that it doesn't always have to be that other person that is in charge of de stressing you coming from work back to home. You know, it could be a friend, it could be, you know, working out, it can be, you know, just multiple things that maybe a different type of creative outlet. But I think we need to be very conscious of what is happening um with us professionally and how it is affecting us personally and and and how we can, you know, navigate that and how we can direct it, direct our stress and direct, you know, our challenges and and issues so that they can stay where they need to stay. And we're not bringing them into the place it's supposed to be, our place of safety, love, rejuvenation, peace. You know, your home should be all of those things. You should be able to go there to be able to replenish and get what you need so that you can be your best self when you go back to work.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Yeah. And your perspective matters because think about it, like you said, it's supposed to be a place of peace, replenishment. But when sometimes about when we were working together or like even our ministry together or in our uh you know early years of entrepreneurship, our kids were smaller. So that's not coming home to peace, right? Because kids have football, everyone has needs and needs and they're pulling on you, right? Yeah. So, but your perspective could be like, all right, how do I take away from the work stress and then come and be the responsible father of the responsible because that's part of your responsibility too, right? Like if that was that's a job in itself, but we go at our job that's for currency because like, oh, we gotta make sure the bills are paid and all this stuff, and I impress there. Because if I lose my job there, then I don't have any money, right? But we never think about the fact that what if we lose our job at home? Because we just take for granted that they're supposed to be there, right? Yeah. So no matter what I give them, whether it's the best of me or the worst of me, we're still gonna be there, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Because think about, like you said, you know, think about your performance at work. If you're not performing at work, are you gonna be able to stay there? Absolutely not, right? Are you gonna be able to receive the accolades and the promotions and the raises? No, people are gonna notice and they're not gonna be okay with it.

SPEAKER_02 10:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

And so we have to, you know, we should be valuing our home life even more than our professional life. Absolutely. But a lot of times it's it's the other way around.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Yeah. And so the life at home should set the precedent of the life going back to work being happy, right? And so a lot of times people don't realize that the stress that is at work actually is more from home. Most people think it's oh, the stress at work that's coming to the house. Well, here's the thing we have a choice where we work. We have a stressful environment at work. Why are you keeping yourself in that position for a paycheck to come home and beat up your family, right? What's more important?

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Yeah. And and now obviously you want some level of stress, right? Like stress creates growth and creates that opportunity to be challenged. But you what, you know, how much stress is too much stress? And and what does that look like? You know, what is toxic versus uh what is an opportunity for growth? And each person has to figure that out for themselves. Yeah. And you have to notice how you're reacting. How are you reacting with friends and with family and with those people that are closest to you? You know, what what um how much of the day are you experiencing stress? Because our our bodies, our minds are only meant to handle so much. And at some point, you know, that's when you you hear about people having breakdowns and people having, you know, these these blow ups and and things that happen, and then all of a sudden they're on the verge of losing it all.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Yeah, absolutely. You know, and I and and just keep making sure we keep the main thing, the main thing and importance. Like I said, to me, there shouldn't be anything more important than your family, right? It shouldn't be more important than your spouse, your kids. That's what we do everything for. And so being our best selves for them should matter the most and having that communication with them, because if things are happening where you are stressed at work, or you know, that should be a good place where you and your spouse should be able to talk about that. Like, hey, like I'm stressed because of this. Like, you know, how should we address this together? You know, what if those boundaries are not set in the very beginning? Because and then sometimes, you know, the spouse could be working and they're stressed out too as well, right? And so, you know, sometimes we don't want to bring all that stressedness together. So how do we manage that? And I think that's a good question we can answer, you know, down the road here.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

Yeah, for sure. Um, so I have a question for you. Um, do you are there seasons that you can recall in your life where you've allowed um, you know, that stress to come in and where you feel like, you know, your home life has suffered because of your professional life.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

Yeah, absolutely. I think um, you know, one particular, you know, season when I was a mortgage broker in the financial world, right? And so what happens in the mortgage industry and the people that are in the financial world, you know, like you work till till the job's done. And so um everything you do with is closing that financial transaction, right? Getting everything in by the end of the month. There's deadlines. And so sometimes you have to stay extremely late. You know, there's times where I had to stay till 10, 11, 12 o'clock at night, right? And then if I leave the office nine, 10, then I have to go get something to eat, right? Or sometimes entertaining the friends at work or the other work crew, like, hey, we did a good job, let's go grab something. And I don't get home till 11, 12 o'clock at night, and then I'm doing it all over again the next morning, eight, nine o'clock in the morning, right? And where did I have time to pour into my family, right? Yeah. What did I give them? Nothing that day. Kiss my son while he was sleeping, kiss my daughter while she was sleeping, roll in the bed where you're already tired and you know and angry at me for not being home. And it's like, what, what, what, what was accomplished, you know? And so, you know, in those days, you just wanted to just hope that I was building something and getting to a point to where I'm good to management, I'm like, it's gonna be easier, I'm gonna make more money, we're gonna be more comfortable. But really, it was just more building of stress and more building of time and more, more responsibility. And, you know, there had to come to a place where I had to figure out, is this what I want for the rest of my life? Right. And I think there was that season where God was pouring into me, like, hey, I have more for you, I have something different. And yeah, you know, quitting that entire industry, you know? But I think that was the beginning of me seeing, you know, that season where I was working so much. And then when I had that season of being home, you know, when I was just like, you know, hey, God, say quit your job. And I did. And but at that moment in time, if you remember, how much more closer did I get to my kids? How much more closer did we get, you know, just in that season of me not putting so much into the workforce, right? And and it was innocent because you everyone wants to work hard, everyone wants to do well in the position, you steward well, what's given you, right? So I was in a leadership position, I was a division sales manager, so I had to pressure that were, you know, leaning on me. And I think, you know, from the younger years to the older years, I got better at managing that. And so I wasn't spending as much time in the office, but it was still a lot. And so at some point, you have to think about, man, my kids are getting older. What you know, that you know, am I gonna miss the football games? Are I gonna miss, you know, that time, you know, going to the the play or the you know, that my daughter's gonna be in, or am I gonna miss the award ceremony, or am I gonna miss the Saturday this, you know, like you have to make a choice, like what is important, you know?

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Yeah. Um, uh something that has been helping me lately in my own personal life is, you know, I'll ask myself, because sometimes, you know, you you do have too many responsibilities and you're juggling everything and you don't even, you know, on some days you you feel like, how do I make that right choice? You know, what is that next right step when it comes to my time and what I should be doing? And I always ask myself, okay, tomorrow, what will I be most proud of? You know, that I stayed and finished this work, or that, you know, I drove to Tampa and had a lunch date with my daughter, or that my husband and I went here, went there. And I know that's that's kind of funny, but it's, you know, like I asked myself, okay, what will I be most proud of tomorrow, next week, if I made this choice or if I made this choice? And I remember one time, even with um, you know, we had a very, very busy season and it was like stuff back to back to back. And your niece's graduation was that night. And yeah, I remember you just laying on the bed and being like, I can't do it. You know, we were supposed to drive to Daytona, which was a couple hours away, and and you were just done. You had given everyone and everything everything you had. And I looked at you and I was like, I will drive. You're gonna just throw something on. I know we're we're already running late, but you know, how are you gonna feel next week or next month when you remember that you didn't make it to the graduation, you know? So I feel like for me, thinking about how I'm gonna feel after the fact helps me make those choices now a little bit better in that moment, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Absolutely. And think about that's that communication that you had with me was so pivotal in that moment because like I said.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

Because you thought about it, you're like, you're right.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

I'm gonna I'm gonna miss out on my my niece's graduation because I'm tired and because I gave everybody else everything else and not, you know, plan for this right. And so I think that sometimes we have to be intentional about how we even, you know, make our schedules or even the choices we make leading up to things that are important. You know, we can really lose that sometimes because we're just work, work, work, success, success, because we don't want to look at the work.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

You keep thinking that eventually it'll slow down.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Oh, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

But the thing is, if you're doing business right, it never slows down. Never, right, right? Or or even just anything in general life, right? You know, it's like if you master this thing, what's what's the reward for it? It's it's a bigger challenge. And what's the reward for that challenge, an even bigger challenge, you know?

SPEAKER_00 17:18

I think the mastery comes in not necessarily of just, you know, how much work I can get done is how much, you know, can I equip myself to build a team to help me to get this work done? Because then if you build a team around you, if you're putting the effort into the stuff that matters, because that happens too as well. Like we get caught up in professional success and you get the eye syndrome, you know? And so I did this, I did this, I made this so that you can get that promotion. But you get promoted faster when you have a team around you that's even better, you know. They say you want to go fast, you go it alone, right? But if you want to go further, you you know go together. And so that also equates to just how we actually go from not even just, you know, professional success, but how that reaps back to success at home, you know? And so with that said, I want to actually, you know, it takes a lot of energy, like you said, like to be able to do back to back to back and to and to do a bunch of stuff all the time. Um, have you found this place in your life where you realized you were giving your best energy everywhere except at home?

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Yeah. I mean, I think for me, it's a more unique situation because I was always our children's primary caregiver. So for you, like you mentioned, you kind of had the option sometimes of like, oh, do I want to stay later today? Okay, I will. My wife's got it together. You know, she's she's at the events for the kids, she's she's picking them up, she's dropping them off, she's doing everything. But, you know, for in our relationship, I've also always been a working mom. So I was also working, you know, 40, 50, 60 hours um a week a lot of times during As a high achiever, you know, you were just working by yourself.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

You literally were like going after and you know, you know, going and up climbing the ladder up in your own um work journey.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Um so I I feel like in in the moment as I was raising our kids, I felt like I'm here, I'm present, you know, I never missed anything that was really important. Um, and they were always on my schedule, they were always on my calendar. But now in retrospect, looking back, I was present, but I wasn't always present, you know?

SPEAKER_02 19:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

So there were many seasons where I I felt stressed. I I wasn't, you know, able to really, you know, I'm I'm asking the kids how their day was and about their friends and things like that, but I don't know if I was really listening to the answer because I was just, you know, in my own head. Yeah. Um, and so I even though I I've I know that I was present and I have the pictures to prove it. I, you know, I make these photo albums every year of all the the fun things that we did throughout the year.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Oh, these kids always come back and be like, I you had a good life. You can't tell nobody you have a good life, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Proof that we did stuff that you had a good life. We, you know, we were active participant parents, but um, I think being there and being there, you know, is is two different things. So I think that's that's something um that is a work in progress in my life now is learning how to be fully present in the moment, um, regardless of the circumstance. So whether I'm at work or at home, you know, making sure that whoever I'm with, whoever I'm I'm I'm speaking with or interacting with, that I'm giving them my full self in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Yeah. And I like what you when you started talking about even before that, just how, you know, the beginning you were the primary caregiver. And then, you know, that season when I finally hit quit my job where I was able to be home more and kind of help out. And then that season swapped for a little bit. Like you were working, you know, getting your master, all this stuff. And I'm literally, you know, kind of at home doing stuff as we were preparing to open our business. But then eventually over the time, too, as well, through our entrepreneurship journey, we kind of, you know, started taking turns with really making sure the kids' needs were met. You know, like we we did it together. And I think that what happens a lot of times when you feel like one person's doing the primary, you know, giving of the children and the home, and the other person's just at work and their minds there. That can cause like tension at home, right? And, you know, we don't feel like there's a partnership at home. So over the years, I I learned and actually just hearing your, you know, your own voice and thoughts about what you needed, like, hey, I need you to be present. I need you to help me with the dishes. I need you to just like, you know, just do these little things for me so I feel like it's not all on me. You didn't even ask for much. You just asked for just no, just clean sits. Just just just clean your part of the earth. Just pick up your own club. Your own stuff, right? Do that for them. I don't have to do that, right? And so I don't mind doing the kids though. So I think that as we got better aligned as we got older in our marriage and and started me starting really understanding the help I needed to bring to the house, not just outside the house. I think that helped us get better aligned when it came to just how we were able to, you know, have that work life balance between professional sex and gradually getting more success at home.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Yeah, for sure. Um, okay. So I have a question here. Why is relational alignment more important than productivity?

SPEAKER_00 21:55

So I was actually kind of just touching on that, right? Just, you know, uh having alignment with your spouse. Matters so much because one, it brings value to them because it makes them feel that, you know, hey, there's nothing more important than me. And that's what it should be, right? Yeah. Like we our jobs and our career and our personal ambitions are supposed to be important. But when we went to the altar and said, you know, I'm giving myself to you, right? I'm gonna be your servant for richer, for poor, for better for us, that's part, yeah. The whole point of becoming one. And and and just you know, giving a faith talk to it, you know, as a husband, God He said, Hey, Jesus said, I'm supposed to treat you like my bride, like as if he like he treated the church, right? Like give he gave everything to us, like he sacrificed his life for us, right? And that's what he likened my relationship, what that should be to you. And so if I don't do that, then you're gonna have something missing because you were made for me to serve you in that capacity. And so when I learned that to serve you better was to make you better, then there was more alignment in how you could serve me back the right way, right? Or how we could just parent, you know, differently or just be in alignment with going on dates and all the things that we started doing as a couple because you don't want to do things as a couple if you feel like the other person is like not even in the right space with you or in the right you know mindset. Like you feel like your world's apart, you know? And it took therapy, it took many different things we had to do in order to make that get to place. We did all the work.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

We can say that for sure. We did all the work.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

But you know, but even still just being vulnerable enough to say I'm willing to do whatever it takes, whether it's therapy, whether it's self-help myself, getting back to the roots of my trauma so that I can, you know, get better with that. Um, and then also too, knowing when to cut off my work, right? Yeah. Like I can't let my success in building businesses, building people, speaking, and all that stuff that God's called me to do be priority over your needs, right?

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Because a lot of times people, if you were to ask somebody what their priorities are, they could name it, you know, like, oh, maybe God is first, maybe their family is second, you know, or you know, maybe their spouse and their kids and their job. You know, we know what to say with our words, but our actions are actually revealing the truth.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

For 100%.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

The truth of our life is what we're actually doing.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

100%. And then think about it with your kids. Like, what do you want them to remember? Like they're gonna grow up, they're gonna become grown, they're gonna go out the house. And like when they leave the house, what do you are they gonna come back? You know, right? Are they gonna come in? You didn't have time for that much. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Like you would have the opportunity, then what you know, who say that.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

What are they gonna say about you like when you parented them in those years, those critical years of life, right? Especially as they get older, like we think that they're more independent so that they don't need us as much. That's true to an extent because you want them to have a some sense of independence, but they still need you. You are shaping who they're gonna become, right? Especially when they were just about to leave the house. I felt some of my most valuable time with my son, especially, was those years leading up to him graduating and going to college, like those talks we had in the car, those times where just teaching him to pray about everything in the car. Hey, you know what we're doing when we get in the car before we go to school? Yep, I'm praying, right? And so, like just all the little things I was able to teach him and then see them like, you know, in present-day action for himself, like it makes me feel like man, I did my job in that arena. And what would I have been if I wasn't present, but I was out conquering the world, you know, building multiple organizations and businesses and having all this great mountain over here, but then at home, like there's nothing to say for it, right? And so for me, like I rather build my my rock at home and I I would rather that be good and everything else go to hell, you know. But at the end of the day, I feel like if you do the right thing at home, God will then you know allow for you to have the success in other places as well.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

Yeah. And when people are on their deathbed, they're never saying, Man, I wish I had worked more. Yep. Man, I wish I had to, you know, like filed all those reports. Nobody is thinking about work when it really, really counts. You you're you're all about your loved ones, your family, your friends, the memories, you know, those special things that you got to experience. Absolutely. And so we need to remember that in the moment and not, you know, not let those precious moments slip away.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Yeah. But let's talk about reality for a second. Like pressures happen in life, you know, different seasons bringing different pressures, whether it's a new baby, whether it's a transitional with your kids, whether it's a death, whether it's you know, transitioning your job, moving to a different city. There's so many pressures and things that happen in life that cause, you know, for us to have stresses and different things, right? And so, you know, what helps connect uh couples stay connected during those seasons of pressure and responsibility?

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Um, I mean, obviously, first and foremost, I think communication, I think intentionality obviously is a big one. Um, just making sure that you're uh affectionate as well and that you're having understanding. And, you know, so just thinking about all those different things, you know, um, you want to make sure that you're you're always really there present in the moment with that person when they are home. So even if they have, you know, I can't even imagine people that have um, you know, spouses that maybe are in the military or that, I don't know, do truck driving or something that that requires them not to even physically be at home in those evenings. But, you know, you have to be intentional, you know, they whatever means that you have of communication, whether it's FaceTime or email, I don't know. Um, but you know, we have to be talking, we have to be interacting, we have to have that emotional intimacy, you know, physical intimacy if if your spouse is is physically present. But, you know, we have to be intentional on how we can fit all that stuff in. And, you know, it may uh require some rearranging of the schedule and the calendar and you know, just being creative with it, depending on um, you know, your your work schedule and things that are happening. But if you don't have that, you know, what's what's the purpose of having that partnership if that partner is not meeting any of those needs? So we have to be intentional on setting up that system for ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Intentionality is so key. And and think about it too as well, like when you're not home and you're not purposeful about being there for your spouse, you're not getting your needs met either, right? Yeah. And so there's gonna be an inherent frustration no matter where you're at. So it's like, so you're gonna be at work and be that, and then guess what? You're somebody's gonna catch your eye, something's gonna start meeting those needs, right? And then what does that do? That brings conflict into the home, right? Where somebody else is not meeting your need, or vice versa, at home where someone's needs not being met, but someone else is coming in, right? Or that person starts withdrawing and finding other things, and you know, and so that's where the danger is when when we withdraw from each other, we're leaving a gap, we're leaving a gap that's open.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

And it's it's you know, it's it's not giving permission, but it is giving opportunity, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 28:41

There's no safety guardrails, right? Yeah, and then and how you treat your, you know, your marriage and how you treat your relationships, you need to put guardrails around that, not just for them, but yourself, right? You you don't want to take to yourself to where I'm I'm gonna be able to do what I want over here as long as they're over here doing this, right? It's like, no, you want to be in there protecting them, right? Yeah. And so, like, yeah, I think that it's just really huge that in order for everyone to get their needs met properly, there's got to be that intentionality, like you said, about making sure you're purposeful about, you know, connection and making sure that those things are honored the way they should. Because if you got yourself in a relationship where you got yourself in a family, that was a choice. But now you have responsibility to that. Same way you chose that job and you have responsibility. Guess what? That family should have that same thing that you give everybody else, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Yeah. So along those lines, like you mentioned when relationships start to go off track, you know, how how do you use your faith to bring things back when you feel like things are going adrift? Yeah. When it comes to that.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

Yeah. Again, you know, the biggest thing is just going back to my biblical principles, right? And just um understanding that, you know, God has, you know, giving me a opportunity and responsibility to make sure that I'm loving my family properly, right? And what I do with that is my choice, but it's also going to be my consequence if I don't steward it right, you know. So you just want to make sure that you're doing your best to make sure first you're okay, right? When you're not okay because of stress, because of un you know, uh trauma that hasn't been, you know, you know, properly digested processed. And, you know, there's so many things that you can do that can really hurt those relationships that you're trying to steward, right? If you haven't done it right. But it if you're in, if you're not intentional about spending time, you know, with you know, yourself and also with them the right way, then it's not gonna work, right? And so I think that, you know, me and my time with God is important because what it does, it makes sure I'm okay first. It makes sure that I've been replenished. I have everything I need to then pour because it is a lot of responsibility to give to not only my family as I'm gonna be able to do that. Oh, yeah, everybody's pulling on you from every angle. And then also professionally with all the people that we lead, you know, like I said, everyone, but there's enough if you take the time to get away and allow God to give you the energy and the stuff you need to do that. He's not gonna give you more than you can handle, but he's giving you the responsibility to figure out how to handle it. And so he gives you words and he gives you encouragement, he gives you people, he gives you examples, he gives you your family, he gives you the stuff that you need to be poured into so that you can pour out in the right buckets. So if I give too much over here and not enough here, then it's an imbalance, right? And so you have to find that proper balance. And it goes back to, you know, you balancing yourself. And I think that, you know, my time with God, my my time, you know, reading my word and and making sure that I'm equipped to handle that what all that I'm supposed to is really key. Because if you're not equipped to do it, then you're not gonna do very well at doing it at all.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Yeah. I mean, it definitely takes honesty to know where you're at and to know if things are starting to go into a certain direction. You know, if you if you feel like, you know, you're you're being split apart, you're spending too much time at work or you're stressed, or you know, you just don't know how to say no, maybe to that boss that keeps, you know, like, hey, let's do this, let's do this, let's put this on your plate, you know? Yeah. Um, so I think definitely being honest with yourself, being honest with your significant other, and and figuring out, you know, where you're currently at. Um, and then and then just just making the move to to change it. You know, we don't have to stay where we're at. We don't have to head into a certain direction. We can just say, okay, that's it. Let's stop this whole thing, let's figure it out, and let's, you know, let's let's figure out if this is going to work long term. Um, you know, are are we going to be able to sustain this level of you know stress, for example, um, and keep our marriage at the same time. And that's that's a choice that you're gonna have to make.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

Um that's that's huge because I mean there's a lot at stake, like your spouse's life, your kids' life, their how they go going forward when they go off and they start their lives, like there's a lot at stake with those decisions. So we can't be selfish and under and not in valuing how much it takes for us to make sure we try to do the right thing, you know? Yeah. And then when we choose professional success over that, that can come back to bite us, you know. Because here's the thing in the world, professional sets can be very temporary. You might be hot one day, and then the next thing that thing crashes down like it ain't nothing. And then also, too, especially like you said, when we see these scandals of people that have, you know, at home issues. Here's the thing we all are human, we're gonna have issues, no one's got it. We're not perfect, we didn't do it all right. We've had lots of issues and stuff that we would make sure that we love people don't know right. But at the end of the day, it's it's the grace of God that covers us and helps us get to the place.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

So and we're constantly trying to do better, yeah, you know, and I think that's the that's the difference, and that's the change. You know, we're not always gonna get it right. And I think, you know, I'm I'm happy to know that like our kids have have said that that's something that we've modeled for them, that they saw what it meant to, you know, to fall, but then get back up, fall again, get back up, you know, to apologize, to say sorry, succeed, you know, be vulnerable, be honest, yeah, and and have those open conversations with each other and with them.

SPEAKER_00 33:52

And when you're able to do that within the family unit, you have so much success. But because like I said, I was saying when you're in the public eye, like and you have this great public success, the minute something happens at home, then it's like you're excurated, you know. I mean, you're like ostracized, and then everything you built out here is gone. Yeah. So it's like, so if something does happen professionally and it falls, at least you want to go back home to have something to stand on, right? And so, because you could always build back professionally, but building back home is very, very tough, you know? Yeah. So so with that said, you know, we actually did some purposeful things in our own relationship. I remember, you know, when we uh first started the business, we created this thing called 50 First Dates, right? And we said we were going for 10 years straight.

SPEAKER_02 34:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:34

And so, but we did it just because we were like, one, we wanted to, you know, make sure we were connecting more. And then we said, you know, we're gonna do it publicly and put it on Facebook because we wanted some accountability, right? Because if we just say we're only going 50 days and no one's holding you accountable, then you're probably not gonna do it, right? And and we I think we did pretty good about it. And I think that was one thing we did intentionally in our own relationship to try to you know make sure we're staying our connection. But I want to ask you this question what are some other small habits that couples can do to reconnect when life gets busy? Because that was a busy season for us, but we wanted to be intentional.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

I feel like our whole life has been busy.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Yes, it has, right?

SPEAKER_01 35:04

In one way or another. I think now we just know how to handle it better. But I I feel like it never stopped, right? From the very beginning, from college life to now. Um, but I mean, I three things that we always did as um, something that we picked up as part of this uh marriage ministry that we're a part of. But, you know, dialogue daily, date weekly, and depart quarterly. Yes. So basically what that means is the depart quarterly part. That's the best part, right? Yes. Much needed. But you know, basically dialoguing daily means you're setting it aside time purposefully for that intimate space for you and your spouse. I mean, it could be even as little as 30 minutes, but 30 minutes a day, hey, from you know, I don't know, from 8 p.m. till 8:30, like after the kids go to bed, you and I, let's just grab some hot tea in the living room, let's chit-chat, you know, how is your day? Let's let's talk, or maybe we don't even talk about work. You know, like let's talk about our next trip or something that that we actually enjoy, you know, was something that inspired you today. But setting aside daily time for conversation, just the two of us really helped. And then um, dating weekly, you know, like you said, 10 years ago, God put it in my heart to to to purposely come up with this strategy to say, okay, you know, and and I think I had watched that that movie uh 50 First Date. And um, but no, it's funny because one day I just woke up from a dream and I felt like God was telling me, hey, if if this stranger in this movie that like barely knows this woman can court her every single day. You know, that's for those of you guys that don't know this movie, it's you know, Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, and Drew Barrymore has this condition where she has amnesia. So, you know, this this amnesia where like at the end of the day she forgets everything from the day prior. So every single day, this character that Adam Sandler plays is finding a way to make her fall in love with him again and again and again. And then by the end of the movie, they've been married for like two years, they're out on this boat, they have kids together or something. And she has, you know, like she'll press play when she wakes up in the morning and there's a video of her whole life up into that moment. So that when she sees him, she already knows, oh yeah, it's my husband, we have kids, da da da, because she forgets everything. But anyway, sorry to say all that, you know, how much we we go after that person when we first start dating, you know, just anyone, right? You you you have a new romance and it's all about that person, you know, you're on the phone till three o'clock in the morning. No, you hang up, no, you hang up, you know, and and just how much um time, energy, and love we put towards them. And then we get married, and it's like, oh, that person's always gonna be around, and you give them your second best. And during that season, I just felt like God was saying, like, no, mm-mm, you don't give second best to somebody who has devoted years and years to you. You know, put them on the forefront even more so than you did while you were dating and make them free fall in love with you every single day, you know, like the movie. Anyway, sorry. A little corny, a little off topic, but but I mean, but it no, but it but it but it but it literally it answers the question.

SPEAKER_00 38:15

We talked about what are those small things you can do. Like for us that we needed that because like I said, our life was built on entrepreneurship, going businesses so fast. Our kids were, you know, at a critical stage, middle school and all that stuff, and you know, until they had to get to the place I mean, then you know, middle schoolers and high schoolers, and I mean they need a lot of attention and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

So I mean, it was a lot that we had going on, but that was and who knows if we hadn't you know taken that opportunity to really put this as a focus, you never know if we would still be together everything that we accomplished business-wise, we could have called a quids in that space where we could have been looking at separation and divorce, like so many people do.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

And I think there's a fine line of just like making little decisions like that, intentionality, because when you make that decision to say, hey, I'm gonna do something intentional in my relationship to better it, then if you're consistent with it, you see the fruits from that, right? But if you decide not to do it, then you're gonna get the same old and you're probably gonna eventually separate because that's just what happens over time when you don't give your spouse that time and you guys grow apart because you don't want to take for granted that you're gonna be there, like you said.

SPEAKER_01 39:12

And even the terms that we use, you know, we say fall in love, fall out of love. You know, how do we just fall? Where are we falling from? You know, you know, and we have to we have to take back ownership of these things. We have to say, I want to grow in love, you know, I want to grow in prosperity. You don't just, you know, fall into, you know, whatever. Like, you know, yes, if you're playing the lotto, maybe you just fall into, you know, wealth. But most people, they grow into wealth, you know.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

But why do lottery people go broke fast? Because there's no stewarding of it before. So because you just got something all of a sudden doesn't mean you know how to deal with it. And so a lot of times, even relationships, like we get in relationships and we have no clue how to steward that thing. And so we have no clue what to do. And a lot of times we, like I said, go into it and then we fall out of it, right? And it's like because there was never anything to say, I'm gonna grow in with you in the first place, right? And so uh, so I think that these are very key things that people need to hear. So thank you for sharing that because I think that it just gives the vulnerability of us too as well, because we didn't have it all together, but we knew we had to do some things personally to make sure we could get to that place where we would keep our relationship because I I went in this thing not to fail. I didn't go into this thing to just not be with you. Like I met you all those years ago, and it's like I said, I do, and it's like I do forever. And so to me, I took that serious. And whether mistakes have been made or whatever, we were, you know, didn't see eye to eye on things, didn't say, okay, I want to toss you away. We just need to figure out how do we get into unity, you know?

SPEAKER_01 40:41

Yeah. And even with that, you know, I mean, even when you talk about like romance and love, you know, and and falling in and out of love, you know, you have to ask yourself, okay, what what what does love feel like to me? And then just do those things, right? Like if romance and love feels like, oh, you know, courting and going out on dates and getting flowers and this and that, then who's to say you can't still do that, you know, years into this thing?

SPEAKER_02 41:07

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

Um, you know, if it if it feels like long walks on the beach, well, guess what? You need to put that on your calendar.

SPEAKER_02 41:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:14

You need to set aside a Saturday to drive to the beach no matter where you live. You know, if you're in Florida, you're you're near beach. Yeah. So you have to say, you know, like just again goes back to intentionality. What does that look like for you? Because if you're just letting your life get away from you, we don't do that at work, right? Professionally, we don't just let stuff happen. No, you know, if you're a leader, you come in and you you got your calendar, you got your, you know, you got your emails, you got your systems, you got your structure, and you're purposeful and intentional about bringing this organization to where you want it to be. What are we doing at home? We need to be intentional about bringing our marriage, our life, our family, our kids where we want them to be.

SPEAKER_00 41:54

Absolutely. I mean, all that you just said was so key. Because again, intentionality, like we can't just, you know, make it happen without making sure we're purposeful about what we do. Because again, we're purposeful at work, we're purposeful in our professional career and building that. How can we take those same strategies and make sure at home we're doing the same exact thing? Because we have so much more success in our professional lives out there. And everyone's posting that on Instagram and posting that on social media, uh, all the success and raises and all that stuff. But what are we posting about our family? Are we having success in our marriage? We don't see as many posts about success in marriage as we do the raise or the next thing that we did. And I think that that shows just kind of where our society is and where we why we have so much success at work, but at home, we we we we fail. But then also, too, not just the failures, the the vulnerability of not even being like, hey, I need help. Yeah, like that's a big one. Like I need someone to getting help before you decide to quit. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

Because we we we're in that season now where we've, you know, we were the first ones to get married out of, I think all of our friends. I think all of our friends were the first ones to get married. We were uh 23 and 24 when we got married. And now we're in that season where most of our friends that got married after us are calling it quits and you know, yeah, and it's it's you know, they're deciding to part ways. And obviously that happens for many, many different reasons. But, you know, many of them were also tell us that, you know, somewhere along the way they they they got distracted with other things, whether it was the kids, whether it's a job, whether it was, you know, things that, you know, we've we've had um friends that have talked about their in-laws, that there's been issues with with the extended family that has pulled their relationship apart. Um, and so all of it, you know, a lot of times it just happens one little thing at a time and and it's it's night after night where you're going to sleep angry at each other, and there's resentment building and there's issues brewing that you're not addressing, you know, it it it can't sustain when when those things are happening and we're not addressing them.

SPEAKER_00 43:52

And we our escape, our escape can't be work, you know, our escape has to be back to the home, right, to get that right. Because again, if it wasn't going right at work. Or something professionally was going wrong, we do all we could to make sure we got that right so that we can obviously keep that job or keep that position that we so coveted, right? And so so I'm gonna um ask you this last question. And, you know, because I think this actually does matter when it comes to helping us be able to make sure that we're not, you know, put allowing things in our life that will pull us away, you know, or when things are tough, like we still go outside, you know, to run to the work or run to the professionalism. You know, what boundaries help protect relationships that matter the most?

SPEAKER_01 44:31

Um, I mean, I think boundaries, obviously, that's that's a specific conversation you have to have within your home. Um, time and space are the two things that that are coming to my mind. So, you know, you have to have boundaries with your time. There might be, you might have, you know, a rule in your house where you don't want your significant other to spend time with, you know, another person by themselves, for example, maybe somebody of the the opposite, you know, sex or whatnot. Um, and then, or that there's certain time that you're setting aside for each other. And uh, and then when it comes to space, you know, you might need to put boundaries in place for sacred space. You know, maybe our bedroom is just for us. You know, when our kids were little, they weren't able to just come and you know be in our room and sleep with us, and the door wasn't always open and everybody wasn't coming and going, you know, that was something that you you put in place.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

You're like, no, not coming up in my bedroom. Mommies and daddies, sacred space. You stay out there.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

This is where grown-ups, you know, are. And um, you know, and that might not be an issue for other people. So, you know, just kind of having those talks amongst yourselves and saying, like, you know, what is gonna uh provide that sacred time, that sacred space where it's us and what are we building towards our future.

unknown 45:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:47

And I think one of the things too, that word boundaries, especially with men, right? And I'm gonna speak for men for a second because obviously as being a man, like I felt I felt this. You have boundaries when you think of limits versus protection, right? And that's what boundaries are, they're protection. Yeah. And when you set the right boundaries, you can protect what's yours and your family, right? You can protect what it so that you know when you go outside those boundaries, one, nobody else can come in, but also two, you're there for the critical moments that matter. And you can keep people safe and you can keep yourself safe. But when you go outside those boundaries, like you leave yourself out to the world and anything else can happen, you know? And I think God sets things up for us to be able to have boundaries in our family specifically, because that's the most important thing. Like I feel relationally, you know, uh uh between husband and wife and you know, mother, father, and child, that's the ultimate expression of God's love, right? And when we express to each other right the right way, I feel like we ultimately express the love that he has for us. He never wanted us to have his love be expressed in what we do and our works and all that stuff. That's uh a byproduct of our talent, right? He gives us each talent. And I think that our talent is supposed to produce purpose that goes and helps other people, right? But that helping of other people should not, you know, be the expensive of your own family that you were called to first, right? And so I think that if we just prioritize better, especially as men and understanding boundaries, I think that as protections versus you know limits, I think one, that'll help us, but also two, understand that you get to set those boundaries, right? It's my it's my family. I set those boundaries and then let me talk to my spouse, let me talk. This is how we're gonna operate, this is what we're gonna do, this is what we're gonna do to have success. Like I want success first in my family and us. Like, that's why I was purposed with us going on vacations every single year, making sure that I was coaching my son and was, you know, being there for my like I made intentionality decisions as I got older and say, I'm going to do this because this is what matters the most, right? Yeah. And those boundaries were not going to be crossed by anybody, you know, as far as anything taking my time or anything because that was an intentional decision I made.

SPEAKER_01 47:59

Yeah. And you think about work, you have plenty of boundaries, right? You're supposed to be there at this time, maybe until this time. And then you have your handbook and you have, you know, you have all these things, you know, you might even have a uniform.

SPEAKER_00 48:12

Better yet, not even just be here from this time, this time. I'm gonna do it until the job gets done.

SPEAKER_01 48:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:17

I'm gonna spend, do whatever it takes to get the job done. Do we have that same attitude about I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure my spouse is happy? I'm gonna make sure to do everything to make sure my kids feel like they're first, right? Like so that same intention I have at work.

SPEAKER_01 48:29

We're we're fine with following rules and structure and order and having a plan at work, you know. So, what does that look like for your home? Again, you have to be intentional, you have to address these things. And if you if you fail to plan, you plan to fail, right? So if you're just doing whatever at home, what feels good in the moment, what feels great to you at, you know, 25, 30 years old, it might be different at 40 or 50. And you want to build something that is going to last.

SPEAKER_00 48:57

Absolutely. You know, and and thank you again for joining us for this episode and listening to this conversation. Because again, just because you're winning at work and your professional career doesn't mean you should lose at home. Matter of fact, you should win at home and win in your professional life. And a matter of fact, the more you win at home, I feel and I know because personally we've experienced it, you win more in your professional life, right? And so, because at the end of the day, I want you guys to take away and think about this as a question. I want you guys to, you know, just take away and think about, you know, what do people say about how people or how they see you when it comes to how you love people, right? What do they take away when it comes to how you treat the people personally closest to you, your family, your mother, your father, your spouse, your children? Like what legacy are you leaving behind about what people see, how you treat them? You know, that's the most important thing. Not about your career, not about what you've accomplished, not where you've gone, but relationally, the people that you love the most or are supposed to know you the best. How do you make them feel? I want you to think about that. And in that way you can see, am I winning just professionally or am I winning also personally as well? Yeah. Well, thank you again for joining us on this episode. Again, Star, thank you so much. Okay, that you that was some good stuff. And just it's I'd love to just hear the reminder of just where we've come and the things that we did to intentionally grow our love, you know. That depart quite. We're about to depart quarterly here in a second. You know, I can't wait for us to go, right? And so, but again, again, thank y'all for showing up and and being with us again on this Love and Leadership podcast. Again, we always leave you the same way. Make sure you love well, make sure you lead with purpose and steward what matters.