WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:01.840 Father, we thank you for tonight. 00:00:02.560 --> 00:00:04.240 We settle our hearts. 00:00:05.599 --> 00:00:10.000 God, we know that connection is why we are here. 00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:15.359 You gave us a desire for relationships and connection with people, with you. 00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:20.000 And so, Father, would you give Liz and I wisdom as we share? 00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:24.879 Would you give George and Linda wisdom? 00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:30.399 Father, would you give Paul and Phyllis insight even as we answer questions? 00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:36.799 And we bless you tonight on this Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2015. 00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:38.159 In your name we pray. 00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:39.119 Amen. 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:42.159 Alright, you guys, I want to just say this. 00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:44.159 Let me read a statement to you. 00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:47.759 Connection is why we are here. 00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:52.320 It's what makes life worth living. 00:00:52.799 --> 00:00:56.159 Relationships are the fiber of life. 00:00:56.560 --> 00:00:59.920 Relationships hold life together. 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:04.959 Broken relationships break up life. 00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:15.760 But whole-hearted relationships bring whole-hearted life, and wholehearted life heals you mentally, emotionally, and physically. 00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:33.840 All the studies show, whether it's psychological or even scientific or medical, they find when you have an optimistic view of life and you have, as a general rule, positive relationships, you're healthier. 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:42.719 There's a 20% less chance of even heart disease in your life with wholehearted, joyful relationships. 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:48.799 It makes sense spiritually, it makes sense physically, it makes sense emotionally. 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:57.280 And I believe that's why Jesus, when he was, when he was pushed by the Pharisees, what's the greatest command in Scripture? 00:01:57.519 --> 00:02:01.519 He says, love, first words out of it, by the way. 00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:10.960 First words out of Jesus' mouth in relation to the greatest command is a four-letter word, love. 00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:21.840 Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your mind, and with all your strength, and your neighbor as yourself. 00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:28.400 That could sum up everything, in a sense, of what I'm gonna say, and Liz and I are gonna say tonight. 00:02:28.719 --> 00:02:35.120 And so there's a picture that we have in our home that we took down to pass around tonight. 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:46.479 This picture captures maybe more than anything else what we're gonna be saying, both in the panel discussion as well as in the message. 00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:50.960 So I'm gonna start with you, Steve, and you just you guys just quickly pass it around. 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:53.280 That picture, that painting. 00:02:54.400 --> 00:03:03.439 Tai Toshiro explains that couples in their first year of marriage score 86% on marriage satisfaction. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.560 By the seventh year, it's under 50%. 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:11.599 Yes, about 50% of couples are divorced each year. 00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:20.319 Another 10 to 15% separate but do not file paperwork, and seven more percent are chronically unhappy. 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:25.919 That means that two-thirds of marriages are not very joyful. 00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:32.560 Well, Liz and I want to give 10 tips, which I think, if followed, are key to wholehearted living. 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:39.360 And we went back and forth and cut and pasted this together because I think these are pretty good. 00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:44.639 And I think after 29 years of marriage, we at least agree with our tips. 00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:48.639 We may not live them very well sometimes. 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:52.319 And so we're, listen, everybody can can everybody say journey? 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:54.319 I'm on a journey. 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:56.000 Say it, I'm on a journey. 00:03:56.639 --> 00:03:59.199 So we're all in different places in our journey. 00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:02.240 So none of us ever arrive until we get to heaven someday. 00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:06.879 So don't in any way hear us saying that we've arrived. 00:04:07.039 --> 00:04:08.080 Tip number one. 00:04:08.400 --> 00:04:09.680 Are you ready? 00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:12.080 It's spicy. 00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:18.000 It's sexy, it's wholehearted. 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:19.519 Are you ready? 00:04:20.079 --> 00:04:21.439 Are you ready? 00:04:23.439 --> 00:04:26.879 Number one, commitment to gritty work. 00:04:27.839 --> 00:04:29.360 Isn't that exciting? 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:35.759 Commitment to gritty work on the relationship. 00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:41.040 Joyful, fruitful, wholehearted relationships take work. 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:44.879 Hard, gritty work. 00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:48.800 It's grimy, it's hard, it's difficult. 00:04:49.120 --> 00:05:00.079 And any of you that have lasted more than probably 10 years in your marriage know how hard it is to keep a relationship together. 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:01.759 It is very, very difficult. 00:05:01.839 --> 00:05:03.120 It can be extremely difficult. 00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:06.000 You know that Liz and I lived for 10 years in Japan. 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:18.959 And here's what's interesting about Japan is that even, now this would be in the 90s, and I'm sure it's changed slightly since then, but I don't think it's changed that much. 00:05:19.199 --> 00:05:22.000 They still have arranged marriages. 00:05:22.319 --> 00:05:24.399 And in the 90s, it was still 50%. 00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:27.680 50% of marriages were arranged marriages. 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:31.279 Listen to this quote from a recent article. 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:44.720 The couples who had married for love and been together less than a year averaged a score of 70 points out of a possible 91 on the love scale. 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:48.319 But these numbers steadily fell over time. 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:55.759 The love couples who had been married for 10 years or longer had an average score of about 40 points. 00:05:56.079 --> 00:06:18.639 In contrast, couples in arranged marriages were less in love at the outset, averaging 58 points, but their feelings increased, listen to this, their feelings increased over time to an average score of 68 at 10 years. 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:27.439 So the love couples, those who who fell in love and got married, saw this kind of romantic love drop off over time. 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:39.920 The arranged marriages started off down here, but over time increased and well surpassed, almost doubling those who had a love marriage. 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:43.199 So I think we should go to arranged marriages here at the road. 00:06:43.360 --> 00:06:45.199 That's the obvious conclusion. 00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:50.160 And I've already got a few that I could figure out right now if I can just get some parental permission. 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:51.680 We'll make it happen. 00:06:52.399 --> 00:06:52.720 No. 00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:58.240 I think the secret was the view, and I like the way this article concluded. 00:06:58.399 --> 00:07:08.800 It said elements of fairy tales, such as Cinderella, were present in 78% of people's beliefs about romantic love. 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:12.879 There was some kind of a magical feeling that you had toward that person. 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:26.959 Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in the relationship than those who gave little credence to fairy tales. 00:07:27.680 --> 00:07:34.079 So it seems as though in arranged marriages it was more of a business transaction, right? 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:38.160 I mean, that's what I know about Japan, is a lot of it had to do with dowry. 00:07:38.399 --> 00:07:39.439 That's what I remember list. 00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:50.079 That there was a dowry interaction that occurred, and there was something to do with the level of socioeconomics as well as social standing that related to the arranged marriage. 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:54.000 And so it started off there at that point, but it grew. 00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:56.480 And it reminded me of my grandparents. 00:07:56.879 --> 00:07:58.000 My grandparents. 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:01.600 My granddaddy in South Carolina was a rancher and a farmer. 00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:09.439 And I saw some, I saw a couple pictures with his arm around grandmother, and I mean it wouldn't exactly be considered the most romantic photos you've ever seen. 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:11.759 I think she even had a hoe in one hand. 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:14.240 Wasn't a pitchfork or anything, but it was a hoe. 00:08:14.639 --> 00:08:18.079 And uh, and they were smiling, it's not like you know, like that picture. 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:24.720 But they but grandma did the books for the ranch. 00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:34.240 Every day there was grandmother at the table cooking breakfast for 35 hands, grits and eggs and bacon, the best kind of breakfast you could ever have. 00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:37.440 Cracker barrel has has franchised it. 00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:40.960 Um and then and then granddaddy's out at 5:30. 00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:44.639 They're out in the fields, they come in at 7:30 for breakfast, but she's doing the books. 00:08:44.879 --> 00:08:48.480 And she cut the checks, and they work together. 00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:58.799 And I mean, I can remember two or three times where I heard him like having an argument or something, but that was there with there was a love, there was an affection. 00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:03.200 They held hands at church and stuff, but there was no magic. 00:09:03.279 --> 00:09:07.440 I don't think there was it, there was not this sense of a magic relationship. 00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:10.879 Can I give a different can I give a different term to the tip? 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:17.759 Tip number one I said was um gritty work, a commitment to gritty work. 00:09:17.840 --> 00:09:18.399 Let me give you another. 00:09:18.960 --> 00:09:20.480 I like this one better, actually. 00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:24.320 The okay, here's here's another one. 00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:27.360 A commitment to making magic work. 00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:29.679 Hello. 00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:31.120 I like that. 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:33.840 A commitment to making magic work. 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:37.679 In other words, magic is not some pixie dust in the sky. 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:43.919 You make magic work in all your relationships by hard work, by communication. 00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:46.159 Liz, you want to comment on that? 00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:52.960 I know it's just been beautiful being married to me almost every moment of our life, but if we've ever had any problems. 00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:00.320 I'll sit down for a second. 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:01.759 Well, I just get my bearings. 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:13.519 Is that uh I think we can look at our spouses, especially as wives, like we do an umpire in a baseball game. 00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:16.720 We don't notice that until we make a bad call. 00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:25.200 So I think we have to think about the fact of what they do and meditate on it almost. 00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:29.279 Like meditate about the good things that your husband does. 00:10:29.519 --> 00:10:34.720 Um and one one day I thought, you know, Steve took a risk on me. 00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:44.639 He he decided he was gonna take care of me and he was gonna uh provide, you know, primarily provide for me. 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:48.399 And some days that's a huge risk, you know. 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:55.279 And uh I just think that we have to realize the risk that our husbands took on us. 00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:59.440 And that so recently I said, thank you for taking a risk on me. 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:04.080 And I love this phrase that God's risk is man. 00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:18.320 So it's all a risk, but it's it's good, it's a good risk, and we um we have to uh appreciate the the risks our our spouses have taken for us. 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:23.600 And so I think my tip would be part of the greedy work is right here. 00:11:23.840 --> 00:11:29.200 Just thinking about the good things that Steve has given to me. 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:32.559 Um the way he lives, the way he thinks. 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:39.360 I want to be thankful for that because I have become a better person because I've married you and you took a risk. 00:11:39.600 --> 00:11:40.080 Thank you. 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:42.879 Well, you took a risk on me. 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:47.360 And you know, we didn't know what we were doing at first, did we? 00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:48.720 Hardly at all. 00:11:49.200 --> 00:12:01.200 And um, it's been I think the the whole Japan part and and all that was tough because when we got married, you guys, we um we were in language school, so we were full-time in language school. 00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:08.799 So we were doing the language school, we were also doing ministry with Campus Crusade and learning uh about each other and about married life. 00:12:08.879 --> 00:12:17.519 And then soon after that, we went off to Okinawa to start a ministry in Okinawa, Japan, after the security of all our friends and relationships being in Tokyo. 00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:21.039 And so it was it took some work, it was hard work. 00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:21.519 Yeah. 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:22.879 Okay, number two. 00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:27.360 Number two, experience the love of Jesus. 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:31.120 Experience the love of Jesus. 00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:42.240 Listen, you guys, the closer you draw to Christ, the closer you will draw into the relationships God has for you. 00:12:43.120 --> 00:12:49.440 And the more distant will be your relationships with those that God doesn't have for you. 00:12:51.519 --> 00:13:07.039 So when we come to know Christ, when we give our hearts to Christ, when we start to make Christ the center and the intimacy of our life, it's going to draw you closer to the relationships in your life that God has given to you. 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:13.919 But listen up, it'll also create distance with those relationships that God has not given you. 00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:17.039 See, that's a really, that's a hard one for young people, especially. 00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:19.279 You young people are going to struggle with this. 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:25.200 Because there's some relationships that some of you guys are in, they're not from the Lord. 00:13:25.919 --> 00:13:27.759 You shouldn't be in those relationships. 00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:28.960 They're toxic. 00:13:29.600 --> 00:13:36.480 Some of you are in toxic relationships, and what's happening is you're drawing closer to the Lord. 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:41.679 Your relationships have not been anointed by God right now for you to be in. 00:13:42.159 --> 00:13:47.919 They're trying to pull you away from the Lord, and the Lord is saying, draw close to me, draw near to me. 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:51.519 And as you draw near to me, you think that that distance is a bad thing. 00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:53.840 No, that's probably a good thing right now. 00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:56.000 That's not a bad thing. 00:13:56.559 --> 00:14:03.200 Because what God's doing is He's re-engineering your family, He's re-engineering your relationships. 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:21.279 And so, and so that's one of the ways you know in a dating relationship, for you that are in dating relationships and friendships with the opposite sex, is that you know, we used to use in Campus Crusade this triangle idea with uh here's you, and here's her or him, and then here's Christ. 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:26.320 And what it should be is that as we draw closer to Christ, we're drawing closer to each other. 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:27.679 You hear me, young people? 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:29.440 You hear me, you guys that are single out there? 00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:36.080 I mean, you you if if that relationship's not drawing you closer to Christ, you might need to end it. 00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:39.679 Now, you say, Well, what I want to be a witness to those who don't know the Lord. 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:40.960 Well, you can be. 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:52.799 Just realize that that is a witness that you're having to the Lord, but you're not gonna let them have so much direct influence on your life that it's pulling you away from the Lord. 00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:54.639 And some of you aren't strong enough. 00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:55.919 You're just not. 00:14:56.159 --> 00:15:01.600 I mean, when I came to know the Lord, I had had a lot of relationships with a lot of girls. 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:06.399 And uh, as a freshman at Georgia, she knows. 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:08.799 You know the good ones. 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:12.799 She knew the good ones, but I had some that weren't so good. 00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:14.799 And uh, this is my freshman year. 00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:24.320 And as I began to grow closer to the Lord, I saw this distance begin to happen with these girls, and that was fine with me, but it wasn't fine with them. 00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:27.039 It wasn't fine with them. 00:15:27.200 --> 00:15:29.600 And so there were some temptations, there were some struggles. 00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:35.919 So there is to extricate ourselves out of that into what Christ has for us, sometimes you have to pay a price. 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:44.159 And so I want to say that number two, a tip for any of us, whatever place we're at, single, married, divorced, whatever, draw near to Christ. 00:15:44.480 --> 00:15:46.080 That's why that picture's going around. 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:48.399 You'll see what I mean when you see the picture when it comes around. 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:51.360 Draw near to Christ. 00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:54.879 The Bible says that God is love. 00:15:56.799 --> 00:15:59.919 God is at his core, love. 00:16:02.240 --> 00:16:06.960 Jesus, in speaking to his disciples, write down John 17, 26. 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:10.639 And meditate on that tonight when you get home. 00:16:10.799 --> 00:16:12.720 Meditate on that tonight. 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:27.440 Jesus said, and I have declared to them, meaning his disciples, your name, and will declare it, that the love, listen to this, the love which you loved me may be in them and I in them. 00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:36.080 He's saying, the love that I've experienced with you, Heavenly Father, I want them to experience that same love. 00:16:36.320 --> 00:16:41.039 Now, Jesus would not have made that his prayer if it wasn't possible, church. 00:16:41.360 --> 00:16:50.799 It is possible to experience the love of the Father the same way Jesus experienced the love of the Father. 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:59.200 And that's through the power of the Holy Spirit, emptying ourselves so that Christ can fill us with his Holy Spirit. 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:16.640 I was gonna say that picture um I kind of named as we were talking about this uh this uh message, and I named it the senior valentine because you know, you think about what he did. 00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:23.680 When we betray him, and when mankind betrayed him, it was so scandalous. 00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:31.680 The love of God is so scandalous that he gave his only son to get that relationship out. 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:38.640 And so I need that power in my life for for all our relationships with all of you. 00:17:38.880 --> 00:17:41.279 I need the power of the Holy Spirit. 00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:47.200 And uh I I had the privilege, my husband gave me Valentine's gift of going away. 00:17:47.359 --> 00:17:58.640 I went sit on a retreat by myself, and the thing I got was that God said you have to empty, you have to dump off a lot of unearthly stuff. 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:00.480 And I had to confess some sin. 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:07.759 I didn't know it was there until kind of a weird circumstance because he said I talked a little too long. 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:11.759 So um don't go on great. 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:19.200 Yeah, there's another thing here. 00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:29.599 So anyway, so um, but but what I realized was I had to confess sin so that the Holy Spirit could fill me more. 00:18:29.920 --> 00:18:33.680 And I just have this joy in my heart when I did that. 00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:43.920 And that's what I feel like we need to do is we need to take inventory of our lives and dump off um the ways we are grabbing stuff from the world. 00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:58.799 Maybe it's through the media, maybe it's pornography, maybe it's um bitterness about relationships, uh, maybe it's um uh just lots of things that we can grab onto. 00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:01.359 And then God can't fill us with his spirit. 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:14.720 And I'll tell you, we're missing out if we don't have the senior Valentine filling us so that we can operate in our relationships with a lot of power from him, not ourselves. 00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:16.000 Listen to this. 00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:22.640 Jesus says this as the Father loved me, I also have loved you. 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:24.079 Abide in my love. 00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:30.880 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my father's commandments and abide in his love. 00:19:31.279 --> 00:19:40.160 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be made full. 00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:44.640 So that that love of Christ poured in. 00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:48.720 Men, listen to me. 00:19:50.400 --> 00:19:55.680 You need to waste your life on some things, you need to waste your time. 00:19:56.240 --> 00:20:01.200 We are so driven as men with our jobs and our schedule, and that's not bad. 00:20:01.440 --> 00:20:02.000 Not bad at all. 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:04.880 As a matter of fact, it's a good thing. 00:20:05.119 --> 00:20:09.440 But you need time wasted in front of Jesus. 00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:24.799 Where you get up early or you stay up late, and you just are before the Lord with God's word or a worship uh C D on or something, and just worship the Lord. 00:20:25.039 --> 00:20:26.960 Experience his love. 00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:30.160 Let him fill you with his love. 00:20:30.319 --> 00:20:31.359 Slow down. 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:37.279 This week was a horrible week for me in that regard. 00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:39.599 I was way too busy. 00:20:41.519 --> 00:20:47.599 And it was and I was and I was uptight all week because I wasn't taking time to be before the Lord. 00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:49.680 I took my prayer walk, and did I do? 00:20:50.079 --> 00:20:52.880 But I needed time just to be before the Lord. 00:20:53.119 --> 00:20:58.319 Men and women, be before the Lord and worship before Him, taking time for that. 00:20:58.559 --> 00:21:00.079 Tip number three. 00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:03.519 Tip number three, this is really important. 00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:07.759 Love and value yourself. 00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:13.599 Tip number three: love and value yourself. 00:21:14.240 --> 00:21:15.599 Write this down. 00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:19.680 You're going to love others the way you love yourself. 00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:25.279 You will always love others the same way you love yourself. 00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:30.960 Love yourself enough to see the value of who you are. 00:21:31.200 --> 00:21:32.559 Self-respect. 00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:43.119 Love flows from a heart set that begins with knowing and loving yourself enough to value others as you value yourself. 00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:59.759 If you look around your life and you see constantly just a parade or a series of broken relationships, it says something about how you value yourself. 00:22:00.799 --> 00:22:08.400 And so Christ would say, love the Lord your God with all of your heart and your neighbor as yourself. 00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:25.279 So Jesus embedded within us this constitution of our heart by which we can only love with the capacity that we've experienced love, and we can only love with the capacity in which we respect and love ourselves. 00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:28.559 Now, Pat Plato called it knowing thyself. 00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:30.720 Some have called that loving thyself. 00:22:30.880 --> 00:22:35.440 I would call it loving God with all of your heart and your neighbors yourself. 00:22:35.599 --> 00:22:40.559 And so loving and valuing yourself is key because here's why. 00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:52.799 When you ask people about love, the first thing out of their mouth most of the time is some broken love relationship they've been in. 00:22:52.960 --> 00:23:01.839 It's interesting if you ask people about love, you start talking about love for very long, they don't talk about how in love they've been or the great friendships that they have. 00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:06.559 They tend to talk about broken relationships and broken love. 00:23:07.680 --> 00:23:08.799 Now, why is that? 00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:10.400 Why do we do that? 00:23:11.920 --> 00:23:20.480 The big unnamed thing that Brene Brown, I think, discovered in her decade-long research is shame. 00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:24.559 Shame is the fear of disconnection. 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:31.440 We all think is there's something about me that if people see it, I won't be worthy of connection. 00:23:31.599 --> 00:23:33.200 I won't be worthy of love. 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:39.200 No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, listen, the more you have it. 00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:45.839 So in Brene's Brown, she found that there were, Bernay Brown's research, she found two groups of people. 00:23:46.000 --> 00:24:03.680 Those who are overwhelmed with shame and can't seem to connect any long-term relationships, and those that have overcome shame and seem to have a view of themselves based on, listen, a strong sense of worthiness and a strong sense of love and belonging. 00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:20.160 And there was only one variable that that there was only one variable that separated the two groups, and that is those that had healthy, joyful, fruitful relationships believed that they deserved it. 00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:24.559 Church, everybody, look at me. 00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:25.839 You deserve it. 00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:28.000 You're a child of God. 00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:32.880 You're created as a child of God to experience love. 00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:34.400 You deserve that. 00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:45.039 And so what happens in a lot of relationships where there's so much pain and hurt and shame is because really at the core we don't believe we deserve it. 00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:54.640 And so we live in our shame instead of looking into our shame and exposing it and beginning to get set free from it. 00:24:56.400 --> 00:24:57.440 I like this verse. 00:24:57.599 --> 00:25:00.640 It's 2 Corinthians 4, 2. 00:25:00.880 --> 00:25:15.119 But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth, commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. 00:25:15.440 --> 00:25:30.960 Shame, this fear of disconnection, if we let that rule, which we all have it, if we let that keep strong in our lives, then we're going to do crazy stuff. 00:25:31.119 --> 00:25:36.960 If you remember, the first time shame came to human beings was after sin. 00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:39.759 And the and Adam and Eve hid from God. 00:25:39.920 --> 00:25:41.200 And then he said, Where are you? 00:25:41.359 --> 00:25:43.519 And they were like, you know. 00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:47.599 And so shame makes us do nutty stuff. 00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:52.160 So we have to renounce shame. 00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:54.319 And we do that through being vulnerable. 00:25:54.559 --> 00:25:58.640 And we do that through just saying, This is how I'm feeling. 00:25:58.799 --> 00:26:00.319 And not trying to hide. 00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:06.160 Because it talks about shame makes us act crafty and hide. 00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:08.400 So we can be ourselves. 00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:13.359 And the opposite of living in shame is living in your belovedness. 00:26:13.680 --> 00:26:15.759 Because we are beloved of God. 00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:23.519 And we need to be also picking people in our lives that remind us of our belovedness and not of our shame. 00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:31.599 And then we need to be those spouses that remind our spouses of their belovedness and not shame them. 00:26:31.759 --> 00:26:34.960 There's you can go kind of either way. 00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:37.440 And so that's the thing we have to be. 00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:45.680 We have to be ready, receive our belovedness, especially in marriage, but even in friendship, and then we have to give it away. 00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:49.680 And that makes a really great relationship. 00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:58.079 Such a tricky thing because I know that some of you are in relationships where there's not vulnerability. 00:26:58.160 --> 00:27:01.839 You don't have the ability to be vulnerable because you've never been vulnerable before. 00:27:02.079 --> 00:27:05.440 And so I want to be careful with what I'm about to say. 00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:11.119 It's actually going to come up a little later again, but you're worthy of love. 00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:12.400 Let me just say that. 00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:14.160 You're worthy of love. 00:27:14.400 --> 00:27:27.440 Wherever you are on the vulnerability scale with your friendships and your relationships, I would encourage that you increasingly become more vulnerable in trusted relationships. 00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:29.920 And I'll explain more about that in just a moment. 00:27:30.079 --> 00:27:31.279 Tip number four. 00:27:31.599 --> 00:27:34.559 Number four, courage to be wholehearted. 00:27:34.799 --> 00:27:38.400 Number four, courage to be wholehearted. 00:27:39.119 --> 00:27:51.599 The hard part is that we are fearful of not being worthy of connection, and then fear kills wholeheartedness, and we have half-hearted relationships. 00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:54.400 Be wholehearted. 00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:57.200 It takes courage to be wholehearted. 00:27:57.359 --> 00:27:58.319 Courage, listen to this. 00:27:58.480 --> 00:28:02.160 Courage from the Latin, the root is cur. 00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:11.359 C-O-U-R, CUR and courage, which means, listen, to tell your story of who you are with your whole heart. 00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:19.440 Courage actually means in the Latin to tell your story of who you are with your whole heart. 00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:29.200 Very simply, courage is to be in relationship and to be imperfect and yet open to others. 00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:30.880 Do you understand what I'm saying? 00:28:31.039 --> 00:28:39.839 I mean, it's kind of important because we can be open in a relationship where we never share anything of our weakness. 00:28:40.079 --> 00:28:43.359 That's probably where most of us are, especially men. 00:28:45.359 --> 00:28:58.880 But true wholeheartedness means openness in relationships where the other person in that relationship does know your weaknesses and they still accept you and they still love you. 00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:02.880 I mean, that's ultimately the best friendship to have. 00:29:03.680 --> 00:29:07.759 And I would encourage a relationship where that begins to start happening. 00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:13.920 Look at, you don't have to turn there now, but when you get, you know, later, look at Matthew 5, 3 through 12. 00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:16.799 That's the that's the great beatitudes. 00:29:17.519 --> 00:29:19.440 The blesseds by Jesus. 00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:22.160 Tell me if that's not vulnerability. 00:29:22.799 --> 00:29:26.640 He's saying it's blessed to be poor in spirit. 00:29:27.039 --> 00:29:29.920 He's saying it's blessed to weep. 00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:33.759 Man, is that the opposite of the American way or not? 00:29:33.920 --> 00:29:38.079 But he's saying that is the way to the kingdom of God. 00:29:38.400 --> 00:29:40.000 So courage to be wholehearted. 00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:43.359 I want to encourage you to be current courageous in wholeheartedness. 00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:45.039 Any thoughts on that? 00:29:46.319 --> 00:29:47.200 I forgot. 00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:48.000 I had something. 00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:48.640 What was I? 00:29:48.799 --> 00:29:52.319 Um right, think about it. 00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:53.279 Number five. 00:29:53.519 --> 00:29:55.200 I want to make sure we get to the panel. 00:29:55.359 --> 00:29:56.640 I'm going to go fast through these. 00:29:56.799 --> 00:29:57.839 Embrace vulnerability. 00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:00.960 It's already been mentioned, but I think it's a it's actually a key point. 00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:01.519 I know. 00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:02.319 Yeah, sorry. 00:30:02.720 --> 00:30:13.599 Well, I just wanted to say that Steve had a season of his life where he had the choice of being vulnerable or hiding, and he kept being vulnerable. 00:30:13.839 --> 00:30:18.400 And so what's cool about being vulnerable is that it's contagious. 00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:24.880 And for me, I had something in my heart that I was too ashamed to share. 00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:34.480 And because he did it first, then I got to share, and then he got to say, it's okay, and then we felt closer. 00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:37.680 So that's what happens when we start to be vulnerable. 00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:43.359 When someone steps out, it gives that other person that ability to do it too. 00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:49.039 Which is perfect because the next tip number five is embrace vulnerability. 00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:57.119 Um joy comes in connection through authenticity and vulnerability. 00:30:57.359 --> 00:31:04.079 You must listen, you must let go of who you thought you should be and start embracing who you truly are. 00:31:04.720 --> 00:31:06.240 That's a quote from Brene Brown. 00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:07.039 I like this quote. 00:31:07.200 --> 00:31:12.319 You must let go of who you thought you should be and start embracing who you truly are. 00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:19.359 Now you say, well, who I truly am is, you know, I just like to get drunk, you know, about every three days. 00:31:19.599 --> 00:31:21.200 That's not what I'm talking about. 00:31:21.519 --> 00:31:31.759 I'm talking about who you are in your personality, in your gifting, in your strengths and weaknesses. 00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:41.599 Because your spouse or your girlfriend or your boyfriend can't be truly who they are if you're a big poser and pretender. 00:31:42.079 --> 00:31:45.920 And listen, guys, most people in the church are posers and pretenders. 00:31:47.119 --> 00:31:50.720 Most pastors are posers and pretenders. 00:31:51.279 --> 00:31:52.960 I hang out with them. 00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:56.480 And the ones I hang out with don't and aren't. 00:31:56.720 --> 00:31:57.920 But the majority are. 00:31:58.000 --> 00:31:59.440 I have to say, I'm sorry. 00:31:59.680 --> 00:32:00.160 They are. 00:32:00.240 --> 00:32:05.599 I mean, it's just, they've got this, and I think part of it's because you you kind of start performing. 00:32:05.759 --> 00:32:10.880 You're performing because you've got this large group of people, they think you're perfect and you got to keep the persona going. 00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:15.279 That's so unbiblical, and it's why so many of them are leaving the ministry. 00:32:15.440 --> 00:32:21.680 87% of men and women who go into the ministry drop out after seminary after 10 years. 00:32:21.839 --> 00:32:22.720 So that's pretty high. 00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:23.680 I mean, it's nine out of ten. 00:32:23.839 --> 00:32:25.279 We're not doing it right. 00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:28.400 Why not embrace vulnerability? 00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:31.440 Why not be open to our weaknesses and strengths? 00:32:31.599 --> 00:32:32.400 And you know what? 00:32:32.640 --> 00:32:41.039 The people will love it if it's done in a way that's God honoring and God glorifying because it sets us all free. 00:32:41.359 --> 00:32:47.039 Because every pastor who's got shame in his life, he's got a hundred people that have shame in their life. 00:32:47.119 --> 00:32:52.960 And if we would start giving permission to start owning our stuff, we start getting healed. 00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:54.880 It's really true. 00:32:59.599 --> 00:33:00.720 So here's what I think. 00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:01.759 Let me give you this. 00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:04.720 Embracing vulnerability does three things. 00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:06.400 This is absolutely true. 00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:09.519 It is time tested here at the road. 00:33:09.839 --> 00:33:13.519 There's probably five points, but I'm going to give you three that I think it really does. 00:33:13.599 --> 00:33:21.680 Number one, it breaks the power of darkness and demons over your own heart and it exposes them. 00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:44.960 When you're vulnerable about your sin, and we're going to talk about confession in a minute, but when you're vulnerable about your weaknesses, when you're vulnerable about your shame, even stuff that's happened in your childhood, I'm not talking about everybody, but I'm talking about in trusted relationships, you're shining the light on where demons live, where the darkness is. 00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:50.400 They cannot hang out there if you start naming it for what it is and exposing it. 00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:51.200 So that's number one. 00:33:51.279 --> 00:33:57.279 Number two, it starts the process of then healing in all your other relationships. 00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:13.199 Because as you quit being a pretender and opposer and acting like you're perfect and that you're like this really cool, spirit-filled Christian and you do everything right, and you start being vulnerable about some of these areas of your life, you'll start the road to healing. 00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:29.280 That exciting! And then number three, through vulnerability, it becomes an invitation for others to quit posing and pretending and invites authenticity into all of your relationships. 00:34:30.960 --> 00:34:39.119 You know, it's kind of like you're driving to an appointment and you're late and you come in there and you go, oh wait, man, traffic. 00:34:39.599 --> 00:34:46.159 Or you say, you know what, I didn't plan ahead, I didn't set this thing up right, I'm so sorry. 00:34:46.320 --> 00:34:48.239 Just be authentic and be real. 00:34:49.119 --> 00:35:00.320 Folks, some of you guys and gals, if you're struggling with some hidden secret sin, expose them with trusted people and begin a process of healing by exposing them. 00:35:02.000 --> 00:35:03.199 Any thoughts on that, honey? 00:35:04.480 --> 00:35:06.880 Okay, number six, practice gratitude. 00:35:07.199 --> 00:35:10.800 Number six, practice gratitude. 00:35:11.119 --> 00:35:22.639 Start just being thankful to people for all that they do in your life, how they contribute to your life, how they show love through the little things they do in your life. 00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:26.320 Tell people thank you when they do something nice or kind. 00:35:26.480 --> 00:35:32.159 There's something in your heart that happens through practicing the words thank you. 00:35:33.280 --> 00:35:36.400 Just say thank you. 00:35:37.039 --> 00:35:39.199