That kind of girl

The seventh episode in my formative sex & relationship series. Disempowerment reigns supreme as I navigate various sexual situations that end up with humiliating consequences. Shame & danger now replace sex & men in my young brain.

*Heads Up* I describe multiple sexual experiences.

IN THIS SERIES: 

• Episode 14 :: Seeding disenchantment
• Episode 16 :: Petroleum engineering smart
• Episode 17 :: Sex and the city
• Episode 18 :: Part of the job
• Episode 19 :: Hawaiian breeze era
• Episode 21 :: Risky business

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Website: arcana-intuitive.com

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Instagram: @sarahhildrethrankin

Theme Music: ©The Brow

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

This is Divine Interruption. I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin. Hi, welcome back. So I'm going to pick up again from where I left off in my last episode. And if you haven't been following along, I would recommend going back to episode 14, where I just start this journey of exploring myself in relation to formative relationships, specifically around men and how that has shifted over time and how I ended up in all the situations that I did, how it shaped and changed me. I think I spoke about the fact that all of this energy has been rushing through me, the fact that I have two days to myself and thought, okay, maybe I'll dive into one of these stories. And then all of a sudden the energy has just been overwhelming. Like it is time to get this out of my body. And it's crazy because it is very physical. I woke up this morning and I have not been sleeping well because I've actually been living this again. I've been living through these old versions of myself, really feeling a lot of the feelings that have been buried for so long. So I'm truly living it and, you know, remembering things that I hadn't remembered. It's all coming back. And I woke up this morning and I got out of bed, just brushed my hair, didn't do anything crazy, and all of a sudden I get shooting pain all the way up the right side of my head, down my neck, through my right arm, and the right side of my back. It's as if, like, like I pulled out my neck and my back. I can't, I'm trying to do it now. I can't even turn my head to the right. I can barely turn it. I have very limited range of motion. And this to me just speaks volumes to what I'm actually working through. Like in my body, this energy is stored. And again, it's on the right side, right? And even when you read things psychically or energetically, the right side is where masculine energies live, right? So things that show up. This isn't gendered. These are just archetypes. These are energies, right? There's feminine energy and masculine energy. We all carry both of these. And at certain time periods or in certain people's lives, we're likely going to contend with either one of those energies. They're formative energies. And for me, I am balancing out my right side right now. I am speaking about my experience with power and control and having dynamics with masculine figures in my life and how I have felt disempowered, wasn't able to own my power, felt silenced, and felt like I was living in an environment where I could not speak up for myself, where I completely lost my voice and lost who I was. So I'm just like, oh, wow, body, thank you. You're showing me that this trauma and this energy is trapped. But yeah, it is all connected, my friends. It is so connected. It is so physical. So I just a heads up again. I'm going to talk about a few more probably detailed sexual experiences in this episode, maybe a little bit of graphic language, just a heads up if there are children around or this is something that could be triggering for you. I know so many people have experienced the same things that I have in different ways at different times in their lives. Even just sometimes hearing something will bring back a memory that maybe you didn't know that you even had. That's what's happening to me this weekend. So just a heads up. So yeah, in my last episode, I'd spoke a lot about the environment that I was living in at the time. This was, I think I was around 20 and 21. And, you know, what situations I was finding myself in, how I was internalizing everything around me at that time. I was drinking a lot, I was going to parties a lot, and I was really opening myself up more and more to situations in a way where I felt like I was not in control and where my power, I was handing it over. I was giving it away, but it didn't feel like a choice to me. So I was starting to shut down internally, I was starting to freeze a lot and dissociate and feel just powerless. There was a lot of powerlessness happening and this deep distrust that I had felt in so many of my interactions. And these types of interactions where I was losing my power or felt violated in some way were just occurring on a frequent basis. It could be in really small, subtle ways, but then in bigger, monumental ways, you know, that really stuck. I remember when I started my job working at this bakery, the uniform was just kind of a just a t-shirt, like a normal beige t-shirt. And I don't remember at what point this shifted, but at some point the uniform was updated. The shirts that were for women became tight. We're talking skin tight, and these were not forgiving in any way. You had to have a very specific body type or feel very confident to be able to wear a shirt like that. When that shifted, it was just a subtle change of I'm like, oh, I have to wear this and I have to wear this at my job in public. Now I'm having to present myself in a way that maybe I wouldn't have chosen, or that felt a little uncomfortable. I felt like we were on display. And some women did choose to wear the men's shirt, larger size, looser cut. And I think it was very brave to choose to do that because it felt like if you couldn't wear the women's shirt, there was almost this thing like, oh, like what are you hiding? You can't show your body, like there's something wrong with you for needing to wear a men's shirt. But then if you're wearing the women's shirt, you're also not winning because then you're really on display and can you wear the shirt? And do you look good in the shirt? I overheard so many conversations from customers and from other staff members, even. And they're like, oh, this is so good for business. This is great for business. Love the new uniforms, you know? And it just felt like there was no way to win in that scenario. I felt like myself and the other women that I was working with were being sexualized in a way that we had very little choice in. And that then this made my workplace a space where I couldn't let my guard down. And that's kind of like how the workplace started to feel. There was one night when I was working a closing shift and I was alone up front, and there was a man who worked next door at the pizza place, and he was supposed to come by to buff our floors with like a buffer machine. And I remember him setting up this machine and he brought me out and he's like, I just want to show you how to use this. And I remember thinking, I'm like, that's not really necessary because this is your job, you know, like I'm just closing up here. I'm gonna be gone in a few minutes. But he's like, no, like I really want to show you. Like, he's not gonna leave me alone if I just don't do what he wants. Like, this will take two minutes of my time. He just wants to show me something. I can do that, and then I can leave. And so I go over and he's like, Yeah, hold the handles like this. So I'm holding onto the handles of this thing. And as I do that, he comes up behind me and he puts his hands over mine, and then he pushes his entire body up against me and like turns on the machine so it's like vibrating. And it was as if this was super normal. And I remember being like, oh my God, like what do I do? Like, what is this? This is so weird. This is so out of nowhere and at work, and I just, I just feel gross, felt invasive. But then after the fact, I told some people, you know, I was like, oh my God. And it was like kind of a joke because he was a little eccentric, he was kind of funny, he seemed just like a nice upbeat guy. And then the conversation was just like, oh, he's harmless. Don't worry about him, you know. And so I was like, okay, you're right, whatever. But the fact that someone could just come into my space while I was at work and just fully touch me like that, like put their entire body on my body so I could feel everything of him on me. You know, I wasn't threatened by him. He was actually quite small. He was, I think, even shorter than I was, but it didn't matter. I was just like, what is this? And then there was another coworker who I worked with briefly. He was older, he was at least in his mid-40s, and there was something a bit off with him. I think many of us felt that right from the beginning. He would present in one way or say certain things, but you know, when you don't trust the energy behind what someone is saying, they're putting on a smile and like, I'm so happy to be here. This is so fun. And you're like, something about you is off. Like, that's not what your body language is saying. That's not what your energy is saying. And certain things were starting to happen while he was there. I think our tips started going missing. There was something happening where, I don't know, he showed up and things started to get weird. I remember even being at a convenience store once with my friend, and we spotted him. He was like crouched down behind this rack of like potato chips, and he was like peeking through the bags, just watching us. He just gave me the creeps, just something about it was creepy. And we had a bread slicer in the back of the bakery. So if a customer wanted their bread sliced, you'd have to grab this loaf and walk to the back so no one could see you from the front. It was in this hallway that was quite small, and it was next to this room that had a bunch of coolers in it. So if someone wanted to go into that room to access the coolers, they'd have to wait a moment until you were finished using the bread slicer because the space was so tight, no one could get by you. And on more than one occasion, when I was slicing bread, this guy all of a sudden would show up and he's like, I need to get to the coolers like immediately. For some reason, he needed to get into this room, or so, this is what he said. And he was like a really big guy, and he would proceed to press his entire body up against mine. So his stomach, his groin were like completely enveloping my back, my butt, my legs, and he would move so slowly. What felt like honestly, as you're slicing this loaf of bread, and this man, this huge man, is behind me and I am like pressed up against the bread machine. It felt like full-on minutes, and he's like squeezing himself past me. It's taking forever, and I'm feeling every single piece of his skin on me was truly invasive. Like remembering it just makes me shudder, like a complete violation of my body, my space. It's not just that I'm feeling him, it's that he is feeling me. You know, he's making a choice to do this. And it became very clear over time that this man always needed to get to the coolers when I was slicing bread. And then it turns out it was not just me. It was many of the other women that I was working with. They're like, why does he always need to do this? And so this kind of thing just was like prevalent. It was just kind of normal. This was just one part of being at work. And I remember thinking, I was like, what is it about me that like giving men the feeling that they can just like touch me or come into my space or look at me and sometimes make comments? And then it just felt in the back of my head, I'm like, that's the cost of living in a female body. Like these are the things that you deal with, and these are the things that would happen regularly. So because it was a small town, you would cross paths with everybody. And working in a place like the bakery, it was very popular. There were lots and lots of regular customers, and then tourists on top of that, it was like a place to go. And then you get to know people really well. They're coming in every day, you see who their friends are with, and then you see them out in town, they're running a business, they're out at night, wherever they are, you're gonna run into them. And there was one group of slightly older guys. I was like newly 20, they were probably late 20s, maybe early 30s. These guys were like the outdoorsy guys. They were the ones who were climbing in caves and scaling mountains, and they were adventure tour guides, backcountry ski instructors, that kind of thing. They always had this feeling of being kind of cool. I don't know. They just kind of had this air to them where they were really confident. They felt a little cocky to me. Like it just felt like, you know, when someone just has that air, and like, what would it feel like to have that kind of energy to show up, command the room, and be in a group and just move through the world easily? That's what it appeared to be like to me anyway. And they would come into the bakery regularly. I got to know different ones, like I just knew all their names because they were also friends with other people. Everyone is connected. They knew my boss. At one point, one of them was kind of, I don't know if dating is the right word, but seeing one of my friends. And I never felt comfortable around them, but that wasn't a surprise to me because I didn't feel comfortable around most men that were like my age or slightly older, especially in a group scenario, because of the experiences that I'd had to date, you know, where groups of guys would pick on me or make fun of me or like set me up and humiliate me. This was, you know, something that had really stuck for me. And often when they would come in, like you overhear so many things, right? When you're working and hearing a lot of private conversations. And I would always see them often, you know, gesturing or pointing at some of the girls I worked with, talking about them, or like giving them looks and then looking at each other, like, whoa, check her out and what she's wearing, watch her when she bends over here. Like I would notice these things. And then, you know, I'd see them out at the bar. And again, they were friends with my boss. They were friends with other people I knew. One day I was clearing tables and this group of guys was together, and one of them got up, he's putting on his jacket to leave, and you know, he hands me his coffee cup, and he's like, you know, you're the kind of girl who will probably be cute, you know, when you hit about 30. And I'm like, cool, thanks. And he was like handing me his coffee cup and like walking out the door, and I'm like, okay. I felt like I was put in my place in that moment. And it was like these guys, and this is just one of them, but had like made it known I had a certain place in the world, and this was this guy letting me know what that place was. And I took that and internalized that as you're not attractive, you're not hot, you're not pretty, you might be cute 10 years from now, right? Like you're setting the bar pretty low here. And I was like, who has the gall to say something like that to someone? Who has the gall to say that when they're talking to you at your workplace, like in the middle of the day, and they don't even know me? Do you know what I mean? Like, they do not know me. We see each other around. I am not in their purview, but he felt the need to put me in my place. So that was kind of my experience with them. And I ended up at a party one night, I think it was after Canada Day, which was always like a huge celebration. Town was packed, it gets bananas and could be quite fun, but very hectic. And we end up at this house party and with a few friends, my friend who's dating one of these guys, right? So all these guys are there. And I remember feeling a little uncomfortable because she had gone off with this guy, and I'm like, ugh, I'm kind of here alone, but I think I should wait for her. Like, we're gonna go home together. So I'm in the living room, and I'm sitting with one of these guys on a couch next to him, and he was a little bit more quiet. I recognized him, like I knew who he was, and he was actually easy to talk to. And he had like an Apple laptop, which he pulled out for some reason and he was working on something. And at the time, this sounds so bananas, but I was like, wow, he has an Apple laptop. Like somehow that is something that I don't know, means something to me because it was like he was a graphic designer or something. Like, I think we talked about things like that, like artsy things. And I found out that he did design or he built websites, and we ended up talking about like David Lynch movies. And I remember being like, oh, okay, we have some things in common here and like Stephen King novels or something. So it just felt special. I didn't have those conversations every day. So I was like, oh, we're actually connecting about something, and we had really long conversation. I was like, oh, he's kind of different. We we have things in common. This is cool. And he's like, you know, like I've noticed you around. You know, you're pretty cool. And I was like, what? This was a really big deal for me because of all the reasons, right? I felt so small, I felt insignificant compared to these guys, especially after what one of his friends had said and how I'd heard them talking about women before. At some point, we are alone. I don't remember how that happened. I don't remember if the party ended, people went home. We're just alone in this living room. And he ends up like leaning over and kissing me. I was like, oh, that feels nice. Like I remember feeling nervous, but I was like, that's nice. And I don't know, I'm like, okay, like I'll make out with you. This is kind of fun. But it seems like I can feel like I'm like, oh, I know where this might be going. And I'm like, how do I feel about that? He leaves the room, he comes back, he's got a condom, and there's something about the tone had changed. Something had changed, and things just moved really quickly. So we are like on the couch, and somehow we end up on the floor. And when he came back into the room, he just kind of flips me over. I don't even know how that happened. He turns me over. So now I'm lying face down on the floor on this carpet, and he just pulls my pants down and my underwear, just pulls them down to my knees. He's behind me, and he's on top of me, and he holds my hands, he takes my hands and he holds them down over my head, so against the carpet, and just proceeds to have sex with me. It didn't last very long, it wasn't a very long interaction, but I can't describe how the tone just changed. It just happened, and again, it happened quickly, and I kind of had felt, I was like, oh, this is going in that direction, but it just felt really fast, and then the way that it happened did not feel good. And you know what? When I'm like, sex doesn't feel good at all. None of these experiences were feeling physically good, not to mention like how they were happening, how I was feeling emotionally, did I feel safe, any of that? But on top of that, like the physical act, I was like, this sucks. This kind of hurts, this feels kind of rough. Like if I were to choose something, it would not be this. And it wasn't special, it wasn't even kind. It wasn't the energy that he was giving off in our conversation, which felt really friendly. Like again, I felt like he was different. He felt kind and thoughtful. And I had attributed our conversation to be like, oh, he he's actually noticed me before, like he likes me. But it was empty. It was utilitarian. And I felt like I had just been this vessel for someone else's needs. And he says, Yeah, I, you know, I need to get some rest. You know, he wasn't necessarily super mean, but he wasn't very kind either. And it was just kind of like, this is over. Bye. The next morning, I had to go to work. It's crazy for me to think of the amount of parties and things that I was doing and drinking when I had to work so early in the morning, like on a weeknight. That still blows my mind. Like, oh, my body could never do that ever again. But the next morning I'm at work and he walks through the door. I'm like, oh, I wasn't necessarily expecting to see him right away, you know, like a few hours before. And he's holding the hands of a woman. And I recognize her. I'm like, oh, I've seen her before. He kisses her on the cheek, they're laughing. They come up to me and he orders like some muffins, he orders coffee, and he is not acknowledging me like at all in the way that I've seen some people treat waiter staff before. Do you know what I mean? Where it's like they're somehow lesser than, they're like the scum of the earth. They are there to wait on you. I've seen people treat service workers like that before. And this is kind of what he's doing. He's not even just being normal, like he's being beyond, yes, bring us this, and like not making eye contact. And he's being very on with this woman, extra over the top, you know, like touching her. Her and kissing her, and they're giggling and laughing. And I hand them their things or bring them out to them, whatever. They go and they sit at the counter. And shortly after, the rest of his friends walk in. And they're laughing. They see me, and then they kind of give me this look like, How is your night? You know, raised eyebrow, like, heard it got pretty wild. And I was like, oh my God. So somehow they already know that this happened. But then also, he's right there. He's with this other woman. And later that day after work, my friend tells me, because through this guy that she's dating, who is in this friend group and she's been hanging out with, she's like, So what did you do with this guy? And I'm like, you know, we just ended up having sex. Like it just happened. It was over in a couple of minutes, like whatever, you know? And she tells me, oh, well, they're all talking about it. And he told all of his friends that you were into some really dirty, freaky things. And I was like, what? What are you talking about? Not even like knowing what exactly that means, right? And she's like, oh yeah. I heard that you were like begging him to do all these sorts of things to you, that you're a weirdo, and that you're like this dirty girl. Dirty girl. And it turns out that this woman is actually his girlfriend, soon to be fiance. And I think that just hit me really hard. Like it was a lot to process in under, I don't know, this was like in 12 hour span that all of these things have conspired. And I just felt so embarrassed, so humiliated. And again, I find myself in this situation with a group of guys who have made fun of me, who have not been transparent, who have not been honest, who are painting me out to be something that I'm not. And I guess I, I don't know if I trusted him as necessarily the word, but I didn't know that he was seeing someone or in a serious relationship. And I didn't know that I knew this person. And I didn't know that he would, I don't know what I thought. I don't know. I was just really discouraged and I felt so ashamed. And the fact that he told them that things happened and that I was a certain way. And I'm like, but that's not true. Like, that's not what happened. And I'm like, honestly, we shouldn't have even had sex. Like, I wasn't even 100% sure that was going to happen. And I certainly didn't expect it to happen the way it did, so quickly and in a way that felt gross and not cool. Do you know what I mean? So I somehow thought that maybe he had been different. I made a choice to do something with someone that I thought was different than that. But then he reigned his power over me, coming into my place of work intentionally a few hours after this happened, and showing me with everything he had, with his body language, with his words, with his actions, with his friends, how insignificant I was, how he hadn't chosen me, how I didn't matter, and how I was somehow this disgusting, quote unquote dirty girl. Like I was put in my place. And I was just like, whoa, men are somehow allowed to manipulate me. Tell me what and who I was, tell me that I am unattractive, that I'm not good enough. You know, maybe I'll be cute one day. And now here I was showing up at my workplace, having to serve him. Do you know what I mean? Having to serve him? So that really stuck with me. I did not feel good about that. And I had to see them around all the time, knowing that they believed these things about me and felt these things, that I was all of these things. And around this time, me and some friends also joined like a beer league softball team just for fun. And mostly it was fun. I definitely met more groups of people this way, and specifically this group of men who were closer to me in age. And yeah, we would cross paths often, just like all these other groups of people. And there was a guy, a part of this friend group, that I'm just gonna call them the baseball team. Okay, this group of guys. And there was a guy that they picked on a lot, but they all also appeared to be really tight-knit friends, like they had grown up together. I think they had grown up in that town. So they felt like they kind of owned it. You know, everyone knew who they were. And there was something about one of their friends that he was just always the one that they were laughing at or making jokes about. It was always like at his expense. And there was one night when we were out dancing, the baseball team was there, we were all there, and this guy, let's call him Trevor, he had this really loud shirt on. Like we're talking like oversized, Hawaiian style, but with like flames and like a red dragon silhouette. Like it was super loud. And he was very forward with me, kind of out of nowhere. You know, I'd hung out with him before. We played on this baseball team, and I'd never really thought twice. I had just observed how the other people treated him a lot. And I just wasn't expecting it. And honestly, I was very distracted by this shirt. I was like, okay, I don't, I don't know if I can like get past this shirt. It's it's a little much, maybe it's too much for me. But he just kept saying all these really nice things. He's like, you know, you're really special, like I've noticed you. You're you're really beautiful, you're fun, like these things that I think, I don't know, I had always wanted to hear, and it always feels good when someone notices you. I had never thought he had noticed me at all. And it's funny because it felt real. Like, yes, he'd been drinking, but it felt different. I I can't really describe it. He'd like touch my arm, he's like, oh, I just, I really like you. You're really special. And it just didn't feel disingenuous. He wasn't cocky like the other guys, and I could like feel his heart beneath what he was saying, right? I could feel that. And I was like, oh, I feel like he's got a genuine heart in there, even though he's a little out there. And I don't really know if I like, I don't think I like him that way, but I'm like kind of open to this interaction. It's unexpected. And at some point he leans over and he kisses me by the dance floor. And I'm just kind of in that moment. I was like, what just happened? And this is something that is like a famous line for me in my life. I'll just never forget it. And he like pulls out of this kiss and he says, Hmm, tastes like Bacardi. I don't know. It was just like an odd mixture of things. The shirt, him, him telling me I tasted like rum. Like all of it was just a lot. And at one point, I'm like, is this like a joke? Like, are they setting him up to do this or to interact with me? So I don't know. It was just like an odd evening. But I didn't find him threatening. I didn't find him rude. I was just like, uh, this is kind of interesting. And so maybe that was why I was like open to hanging out with him, the bar closed. And he's just like, oh, I want to take you to the playground. And so we go, we hang out on this playground alone, and we're just talking. It's just like actually fun. Like, oh, you know what? Like, I didn't really know you before. You're actually like a nice person and you're fun and you're kind of interesting. Again, this is weird, but I'm like, okay. And I just let go. Like we'd been dancing, he'd kissed me, and we were on this playground, we'd laughed, and then we just kissed again, started making out, and I don't know. I I again, I'm like, I don't know what I was thinking, but it didn't feel yucky or scary or anything. And it felt like, regardless, I meant something to him. And I don't know that, but in the moment it actually felt like that. And even if it was just like in a friendly vibe, like, I like you. I remember wondering as he like takes me back to his house. I remember wondering, like, is this a good idea? And in that moment, I just chose to go with it. And we ended up having sex. And you know what? It felt like he actually wanted to be there. Like he was present. It was about me, like I was a part of that scenario. He wanted me to stay after. And it felt like we had this moment, even if it was just between two friends. And I didn't necessarily want to continue on with that. I I knew I was like, this isn't a relationship thing, but this is an experience. Maybe this is what is like a portion of what a positive sexual experience is. I don't know, right? Because I hadn't really had very many of those. And so I sneak out of his place the next morning. I realize it's like not actually his house. I think it's his sister's house. It was just kind of embarrassing. I get home, I'm exhausted because I hadn't really slept. I fall asleep. Hours later, my friend comes home. She's been out for breakfast, as it turns out, with all the guys from our baseball team. And she's like, What did you do with Trevor? And I was like, What do you mean? And she's like, Everyone knows what you did. Trevor told everyone, and they know that you're that kind of girl. And again, I was like, What are you talking about? I just get hit with this rush of humiliation. And I realize that while I'm just sleeping here, my friend has been out with all of these guys. And somehow this guy has already told them that we have slept together. And it sounds like he has also embellished and changed the course of events to be something that was not what it was. I was like, oh my God, I can't believe I trusted someone. I can't believe I did this. Even the way my friend was talking, even the fact that she was there with this baseball team and I wasn't, it was like everybody was just laughing at me. I felt so degraded. Imagine them just like eating eggs and pancakes and talking about how gross I was or how dirty I was. And it's interesting because what I remember is I wasn't really that upset with him for some reason. Like, even though he had made up stuff about me to impress his friends or to who knows what, have a story. And even though he kind of like broke that trust, or even just all of it, like there was something about him that I was like, you know what? I've seen the way that they treat him. I've heard the things that they say about him. So he was always the odd one out. And I almost like, you know, when you're just stuck in a scenario or there's a system at play, and I could see why he would have to do what he did or why he chose to, right? I'm like, this is how he gets in with his friends. And I didn't fault him that much. It was more the group of guys, because they were the ones to me that felt like they were the ones laughing, cajoling, and thinking that I was really gross. Again, based on what he said, yes. But this is where I would love to actually hear the other side because there's there's a whole other half to this conversation. And again, for the right type of person to talk about the male perspective. What did it feel like for this guy? What was it like being a part of a group of friends where they mistreated him, made him feel like he wasn't manly, or had to talk up his experience to maybe fit in or feel good, whatever it was. I think there's always another side. Like, how is he supposed to be? And so I didn't fully rest this on him. I understood that somehow he was doing something that he felt he needed to do, but it felt really, really bad. And I was like, how is this happening to me again? Like now it felt like there's these growing groups of men in this town who think these things about me and are willing to talk about me when I'm not there. Like it felt very juvenile. I felt like such a little kid in those, in those moments. And I was like, how am I supposed to show myself at the baseball field? Like, I don't ever want to see these guys again. I don't want to see these people. I don't want to be around these people. I don't want to run into them. I don't want to see them at my place of work. I don't want any of that. A couple days later, I'm at work and I'm serving a customer. He's a well-known RCMP officer. I know him. I see him all the time. He's a regular, he's a nice enough guy. And as I'm like passing him his food and I'm bringing him his coffee, he's kind of being weird, like he's looking at me in a weird way. And at one point, he like raises his eyebrows and then he winks at me. And I'm like, what is that? Why is he winking at me? This is weird. I feel weird. A moment later, after he goes and sits down, Trevor comes into the bakery. I didn't often see him there. This was not one of his regular hangouts. But I'm like, oh, he's here. Okay. He sits down next to the cop, and then they both turn around and they look at me. And I can tell that they're looking at me on purpose and that they're talking. It's all very weird. And honestly, I don't remember if I knew this at the time, or if I, you know, if I knew this before or not, but the RCMP officer was his dad. And in that moment I realized, oh, he's obviously told his dad about what happened between us. And now he knows too. And he has brought him here, and now they're just staring at me. And it was humiliating. Like, I don't know, it was like as someone to be checked off on a list or something. It's like you're a number on a bingo card. And even the fact that this older respected man who I had known on my own terms now saw me in this other way made me feel so uncomfortable. And yeah, I just never wanted to see any of these people ever again. And yeah, the small town made it tough because everyone knew everyone. And I just felt like somehow I was gaining this like weird, distorted persona, not in a way that anyone, I never thought like anyone cared enough to really think about me or spend time even worrying about anything to do with me. It wasn't like that. It was just in these small moments, at work, on the baseball field, at a party, at a nightclub, it was as though I was being labeled as something that wasn't true. And I don't think that any woman should ever be labeled in this way. And even worse than that was just the fact that the things that were even being said about me, I'm like, they're not true. These men have purposefully, intentionally distorted the truth. It wasn't enough to like tell everyone they knew that we'd slept together and how that had gone down. But then they had also changed the truth and labeled me in a way, labeling me as this type of person, that quote unquote kind of girl, you know? And there was just this insidious culture around me where it felt like men always held the power. They they always had the upper hand. And I felt like I was just sucked into this microcosm where they were just like ruling the world. It was like somehow I just had to take it, there wasn't a choice, or like good luck existing within that world if you straight up rejected them. Like that was my worry because I'm like, if they could do and say the things that they did when they did get what they wanted from me, right? When they did sleep with me, because that's apparently all that I was worthy of was like my body in some way, them getting something out of me, then what would they do if I didn't allow that, if I didn't do that with them? It just felt like this no-win situation. It felt scary. I felt like I didn't know what to do, how to act, who to talk to, what to allow, what not to allow. And so I just continued to push it all down and just find ways to cope in that environment. Yeah, I think I'm just gonna leave that here today and pick up again next time because there's more. There's more. So thank you for being here with me and listening, and I'll talk to you soon. Okay, bye, I'm gonna go to the body.